weird habit with the cotton seed

a friend asked me, what is your weirdest habit?

sometimes raising this kind of question out of nowhere could be weirder than the actual answer itself. nonetheless, just not to spoil the moment and not to be called a killer joy, i entertained the question.

when i was a kid, i have this pillow that only i could used. it was a very rugged and stained but extra ordinarily soft pillow. it is different from the other pillows that we usually have from dakki or other commercial establishments. it is stuffed with the actual cotton buds (not the ear cleaner, the one that directly came from the actual cotton shrub). the pillow also have seeds inside of it, that makes it more special for me.

what's with the seeds?

while most of my siblings and friends were still sucking their thumbs when we were little, i was already on the next level of my oral stage. i would grab my pillow and start pinching it to look for seeds. once, i've located one, i would bite each one until it cracks. i remember doing it when i am bored, while watching tv, and before going to bed. i always do it as long as i have my pillow with me.

it also came to a point that my mom was already tagging the pillow against me because the pillow was beginning to smell and she wants to burn it. i remembered myself very furious that time. i wouldn't let go of my pillow. i even remembered that i made my very comprimision to my mom that if she allowed me to keep my pillow i promised her that i would bring a star stamped on my wrist from school the next day. but my mom didn't accept the bargain and deemed it as a cheap deal because it was actually my responsibility and not basically that was my first rejection as well.

probably i had atleast five pillow with the same kind until i reached high school where i left for the province to study for highschool. the pillows in my grandmom's house where different from what we used to have. in a way, i eventually forgotten the habit.
but recently, i just realized that i still carried the habit eventhough i am already an adult. one day, i visited a friend at their house. while i was waiting for him in their sala. i grabbed a couch pillow and by the first touch, i knew, it was the same kind of pillow i have when i was a kid. subconsciously, my fingers immediately moved and gathered a handful of cotton seeds inside. i found myself already crashing them with my bare hands and even my nails. i could feel my hands and nails already aching but i couldn't just stop myself from crashing it.

the pleasure of cracking cotton seeds by barehands and nails where different from actually biting them. i was struggling against myself of whether to bite it or not. what if my friend came in and find me chewing their pillow? what if somebody, her dad or mom for example find me doing it? what if somebody is actually watching me inside the room?

i thought that was so immature for a grown up like me, to do this to other people's pillow? its gross and very unfair. but while i was thinking these things out, i found my face moving clsoer and closer to the spot where i gathered all the cotton seeds. they were already rattling against one another. the excitement and urge went bigger and bigger. i could already feel the tenderness of those seeds crashing on my teeth and the music of it cracking to my ears. it was a struggle of the year for me. but eventually, i gave in to my drive. i immediately feast on it like a hungry beast and in a matter of seconds i have finished crushing all the seeds that i have gathered on the people. just in time, my friend went in again on the sala.

i was still crushing some left over pieces using my nails the entire time we were talking. but i really felt guilty thinking of the pillow while walking myself home that day.

nonetheless, i still think that raising questions like this out of nowhere is weirder. isn't it?