Thursday, November 15, 2012

discreet and fear

"hindi ako takot, discreet lang ( I am not scared. I am just discreet)"

way back, i always believed that the reason why some gay guys chose to be discreet is because they are simply scared. they behave and act based from what is expected or to simply put it to blend in, which is probably the most effective means to protect one self.

but would it be possible for someone to be discreet without being scared?

perhaps, i am one of those fortunate enough to have walk this route of life and met people not everyone has the chance to: or perhaps they have, but failed or refused to recognized them.

many would argue that life is simply composed of bilinear concepts. two fundamental elements that compose life: good and bad, black and white, man and woman. several years ago, the introduction of a wide spectrum brought about the introduction of several colors, which in turned caused massive arguments, even until now.

but what makes it surprising is how an emerging concept sprout even in between these struggling spectrum.   its as if it is continuously giving birth; as long as there is someone who will contemplate about it. many societies have discovered various preferences from gay to transvestite, transgender, bisexual, asexual to straight-acting, tripper, top, bottom, versatile, effem, butch, fairies and it seems like the classifications are endless. its interesting how from labels it transgress to preferences. how it creates political mistakes, modern sensitivities and even quasi-confusions bring about argument, debates with the end goal of introducing newer perspectives. its interesting how life will no longer be limited to just two, three, seven nor any definite number  that it has finally reach a range wherein it will eventually becomes endless as long as people will continue to contemplate and understand or even there mere denial.

hence, many would argue that you do not need to cross dress nor to be flamboyant  to say you are gay, which could probably be the same as saying: you can be discreet without being scared.

however, the mere claim of being "discreet" connotes several meanings. by definition, to be discreet is to be hidden. regardless, of reasons, the mere recognition of being one would mean that s/he is uncomfortable of revealing something. but i guess, this would not necessary say that someone is already scared.  or probably i am just contemplating on the statement too much, which was simply uttered out of the loss of a better term.

or am i?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

two years

why stay in a relationship if you know its bound to end?

how long have they been together?

two years.

makes sense. 

what do you mean?

it seemed like two years have started to be a dreaded figure for some of my committed friends. it is like the new dropping curve for every relationship. and honestly, it is also beginning to alarm most people we know.

initially, images of friends with their partners, in their own ways, have striven to bring light among dying hopes and pessimism to most of us. beyond any chemistry and silent mushiness, it is already a delight just to have a mental picture of them. and even if we refuse to admit it, we have those little images, hiding underneath our cold pillows, which we go back to before we set sail for another dream each night.

then it becomes everyone's  dream to be in a somehow similar situation. who wouldn't? they understand the same means on how to overcome insecurities, trust and even infidelity issues. they know how to maintain a good  and never ending conversations and they can even see and understand beyond each other's imperfections.

how over the years they have stayed away from the complexities of these kinds of relationships that rot, probably the strongest foundations and just simply enjoyed it.

but its not easy, ewik. it takes a lot of maturity to own this, i remember one of them telling me this.

and then when we thought it was just about it, no one expected the worst thing coming: falling out of love.

i think they need to talk to clarify things. thats the problem when people act based from their assumptions. if they have already been together for that long, how difficult could it be to ask?

you know, even if my friend learned that his partner is not actually cheating, i guess it is already too late. he already cheated and started falling out of it.  

there was just so many things going on on this story. the guy is cheating because he feels that his partner does. he is cheating because he feels the abrupt and unexplainable coldness. or perhaps he is cheating because he is falling out of their relationship.

there will probably be a hundred more reasons, depending on whose perspective you will look at it. but at the end, i guess it will still be the same sad picture because no one was brave enough to know and ask why.

i never did find out where we were that day. 
He only said days with me were boring...
That we should end it... 
One day we might start over. 
For him "starting over" has many meanings.
- Lai Yiu-fai, Happy Together (1997)

so why do they still stay?

hope, regardless if its true, false or however you may define it, is simply the safest way to respond to uncertainties; with the least possible consequence of getting hurt. we hope not because we want the truth. in fact, we hope because we acknowledge the truth but too scared of what it may bring to us.

we stay because we hope. we hope because we fear of what will happen for each step we take. for some, they hope and stay because they are  waiting; waiting for that certainty that will draw them out from that empty silence.

some call it rebound, some say it is being selfish. but i guess thats just how life direct each one of us from avoiding hurt and finding their individual happiness.

besides, happiness could probably be the most synonymous word to being relative.

in an economic perspective though, some may treat a relationship as an investment. and the denial of acknowledging loss makes many people to stay and eventually hope for the promise of regaining it back. but can we actually bind such by figures, indexes and value? or by trend, demand and

i guess, at the end of the day, there is no better way of dealing it than completely embracing truth or probably, by bravely addressing it to the other party at the beginning rather than keeping it to oneself and just hope when it is already late. too late.