Friday, October 30, 2009

moving out from betweens: an open letter


between love and goodbye
i wont be living in the middle this time
between love and goodbye
i got a heart of gold you'll never find

- kyle, between love and goodbye

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

relationships are always a mutual thing. you don't stay because of pity nor leave out of your own whims. its not even a matter of responsibilities nor obligations. for in the real world, people will never meet in the middle.

yes, there are sacrifices and compromises. but what matter most is our sensitivity to each other's needs as partners. because all of us have different levels of how much to give and how much to take. but sometimes, with the absence of sentiency, we reach to a point where we are already exhausted and that there is no longer other way but to end it and move on.

i remember a friend, who once told me, "before helping others, we should think of ourselves first." and being the social activist me, my immediate reaction was how selfish of her to think of such thing, considering the fact, that we, both, are studying in a state university, where people are actually paying for our degree. that if people have the same mindset like her, then probably we are indeed living in a world full of apathetic and self-centered morons.

but when the time came when i was set into the same situation, then that was the time i have realized what she truly meant.

we could never give what we don't have nor we've already lost. sometimes there are things better ended than giving room for hopeless chances.

for there are no remedies for broken trust, even love for that matter. we can only patch what is left for it will never be restored back. and thats the time we skip the page where happy endings happen and face what reality is really all about.

but making a decision is just half of the whole picture. for holding to that decision is more difficult than the prior leap.

when freedom is achieved, expect that someone will try to tag it away from you. it will either be the person whom you got it from, a person outside where both of you came from or for most unnoticed cases, it can even be yourself.

being single after a burning out relationship can be a breath of fresh air. but too much of it can also leave you drowning.

the moment we say our farewells, we start exploring and appreciating things that we didn't have the chance doing before. but at the same time, it also make us lose our focus towards our real reasons and intentions why we are moving away from them--- that is to grow, atleast, as an individual.

eventually, we meet people along the way. people we failed to notice before. people that would make us see and feel a brand new us. but don't let your guard down just yet. don't ever allow your heart to jump into another person unprepared again. as cliche as this may sound, learn from experience. i know its difficult and painful, but hey, who said love is all about saying i love yous?

perhaps, above everything else, don't ever expect an easy parting ways from your former partner. there will always be moments, where you will see him crying, crying his heart and sanity out. pridelessly begging you to come back, asking for reconciliation whatever it takes, sometimes and worst, even his life. expect memories to come rushing in, old pictures of both of you having the time of your lives, as if their priceless and something you can only experience from him.

truly, there are feelings that you can exclusively experience from certain people alone. but who said that life stops there? there are so much ahead of you, so better start packing and moving your things out from his place and finally embrace your true self, before it actually leave you first.

lastly, i am not closing the possibility that you'll come back again. probably because its indeed worthy of giving another chance. but if ever that will happen, always remember, love not because you feel pity for the man. love because there is indeed that feeling in you craving to have him back, that will make you love yourself even more.

i know, this letter is beginning to be preachy, lengthy and all. but i just thought of writing you a letter to give you angles you may misst, especially at times like this, where everything can be quite blurry and confusing. but whatever decision you'll make, always remember, you will always have a warm embrace in me. so don't ever be scared in taking that risk--- that decision.

all for the best,


Thursday, October 29, 2009

ang paghahanap:a visual novel project

minsan, mas mahalaga ang sagot
sa tanong na paano kesa sa kelan.
chasing time
ink and paper
october 2009 maging sa sino kesa sa saan.
ink and paper
september 2009

sabi ng isang kaibigan:
na-try ko na yata halos lahat ng klase ng relasyon, ang hindi ko na lang nasusubukan ay yung relasyong magtatagal...

panalo! hahaha!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

the street raconteur

they walk under the cloak of darkness. nourishing their frailing bodies with deep breathe of sweet grease. but no matter how they extend their arms to every shadow that passes infront, it seemed like they still remain invisible from them.

everyday i see these three vagabonds infront of an abandon ruin, either sitting beside time or sleeping their hunger away. but despite their silence, i still hear their tragic stories. i feel the turmoils of every single drop of pity they receive. despite being the only true raconteur of this fast and apathetic realm. painting life with their pungent scent and mixing the remaining flavors of humanity.

but when all the sufferings could no longer be hold and the only thing left was hopelessness, someone finally heed their plead. tears began to fall, carrying the promise of cleansing the grime of human selfishness. it was so abrupt that no one even thought of building an arc. as if nothing was really meant to survive.

then suddenly, after the indolences and differences were washed away, everyone started claiming their were them. they started mimicing the same melancholic rhythms with their own tales, begging for the same appeals and stretching the same arms. nonetheless, they were heard.

at last, everyone heard their stories; discovered and showed what care is all about. now they could finally say that their tale already reached its final page.

but yesterday, three weeks after the catastrophe, i passed by the same ruins and noticed it empty. i wondered, where they are? where they have been at the time when everyone has no place to go, even in the ruins? if the slightest care even reached them? or if after everything that happened, they simply left, still without other people noticing them.

in memory of those, whose names were not known.

Friday, October 23, 2009

ang gabing hinimay ko si dave: laglagan time

10. daig pa ng mood ni dave si cinderella pagdating sa curfew. sa unang tingin, mas perky pa sa utong ni jepoi at butt cheeks ko ang energy level ni dave.
pero once na tumahimik na siya at pumungay ang mga mata, sign na yun na close na ang anumang invitation ng lakwatsa. any attempt ay makakatikim ng litanya ng hybrid ni jackilyn jose's facial expression at katarayan. best in 21K walkouthon din siya kapag may out of town pafiesta.

9. one day, nakita ni dave si bea. sabi niya, belo is so overrated. while me, only perla touches my skin and so is our class christmas tree.... connection?! basta! mahirap mag explain! hahaha!

8. may absurd definition si dabo sa salitang talent partikular sa singing. mahilig si dave kumanta, pero ang kanta, o kayo na magtuloy nito para naman may audience participation din kayo.

likas na mapagbiro si dave kaya naman nung una kong narinig siyang kumanta, akala ko talaga nagbibiro siya. kaya mangiyak-ngiyak ako sa kakatawa. pero lumipas ang madaming birthday parties at mga videoke nights, duon na ako nagtaka, nagbibiro pa din kaya siya?

7. tatlo lang ang pinapanuod ni dave, maliban sa porn; national geographic, discovery at animal planet. kaya naman hindi matatawaran ang appeal niya: kinky nerd, ika nga nila. dagdagan mo pa ng mga CR mishaps "daw" niya. hahaha!

pero madalas kinatutulugan niya ang mga ito. yes, mantika kasi siya matulog at madalas sa sobrang mantika niya matulog, umaapaw ang laway este mantika sa bibig. hahahaharrsssshhh!!!

6. madaming nagsasabing hot si dave. ikaw ba naman ang may daan-daang portfolio ng body shots sa kwarto, sa sala, sa banyo, sa dressing room ng mall etc. ewan ko na lang talaga?!

sabi ko nga sa kanya minsan, kung nasusuot lang ang katawan mo siguro may show at sariling line ka na para sa fashion week.

paano nga naman siya hindi magiging hot. ako nga na bikolano na, naweweirduhan pa sa tuwing nakikita kong inuulam niya ang hot sauce. at minsan hindi lang inuulam, sinasabaw pa.

5. masarap kasama si dave kumain. masarap siyang kumain. ay mali!!! rephrase. rephrase. rephrase. masarap siyang tignan kumakain. best in rice ang kaibigan kong ito. may palagay nga ako na dahil sa kanya kaya wala ng eat all you rice sa tokyo tokyo. well, theory pa lang naman yun. mahirap nang mademanda ng libel.

guiltless din kumain kapag kasama si dave. hate niya ang mumo. dapat walang tira sa pinggan, walang laman ang balde, walang bara sa lababo, kaya wala din siyang pet na pusa o aso.

4. basta ako alam ko, kundi laway at luha, pawis ko pa lang ang natitikman ko galing sa katawan ko. si dave nag more than three... HAMAZING!

*aminin mo nagbilang ka din ng iyo? hahaha!

3. kung si superman ay may kryptonite, may sarili ding kahinaan ang ating bida. at ito na marahil ang pinakamalaking revelation/ scoop tungkol kay dave. siyempre liban pa yun sa sex life niya. ayaw ni dave ng anumang nilalang na may higit pa sa apat na galamay.

pagdating sa pagkain, sumusuko ang tiyan niya sa pugita/ pusit. para itong gatas sa isang lactose intolerant. pero hindi naman siya allergic sa seafood. infact, siya pa nga ang nagsuggest mag halloween party kami na under the sea ang theme. siya daw, ang sirena. ako naman black shirt and pants lang na may glow in the dark spots. tanong niya, e ano ka? sabi ko naman with conviction, PLANKTON! hahahaha!

in relation sa number 8, may mga pagkakataon din namang nakakahit ng mga high notes si dave. tipong makabasag pwit ng baso/ pero yan ay kung hagisan mo siya ng gagamba. yes, gagamba. kahit anong gagamba tinitilian at kinikiligan ni dave. malaki ang phobia dito... pero siyempre iba na ang timbre ng tili at pagkakilig niya kung si peter parker na ang nakita.

2. at sino ang makakalimot sa classic line niya na nagpatahimik sa lahat ng scandal. one night, while we were driving along serendra para maghanap ng makakainan (legitimate term for cruising), naisipan nami siyang tanungin. dave, how do you find sex? may panginginig at kagaralgalan pa sa aming tinig.

ang sagot niya, finding sex is so easy that IT ACTUALLY BORES ME.

naglactate kaming lahat ng dugo sa loob ng kotse!!!

1. kapag natrap kayong dalawa sa isang isla. kawawa ka! humanda ka na sa mga kung *blank* questions niya. eto tip, madalas niyang tanungin, kung bibigyan ka ng isa pang etits saan mo gusto ilagay sa noo o sa gitna ng ilong mo? o kaya naman kung ikaw bibiyaan ng malaking boobs saan mo gusto ipalagay sa earlobes o sa armpits? o di ba, mind boggling?

at ito na ang inaabangan ng lahat, ang tanong na: ano ba ang tipo ni dave sa isang partner, romantic o sexual man.... mahilig si dave sa...

ay 10 nga lang pala noh?! sige next time na lang yung ika 11th. hahaha!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

weekend pebbles

something came out from the back, crossed above my shoulder and reached my hand. i heard a name despite the beat pounding music. while a wide and warm smile illuminated against the flickering darkness as i turned for its source. it was one of the shadows that were seating infront of our table that dragging friday night.

so i gave a name as i reached for that hand.

"hey kirby, my friend actually wants to meet you. i hope you don't mind?"

surprised but still calculating, i turned to my friends to ask them for their opinion. and with their approval, i excused myself for a minute and followed the shadow as it made its way to its friend.

compare to other people of my age, i must admit i am a newbie when it comes to this kind of acquaintanceship. perhaps because i can't get along with other people that easily. for me, if i am already having a hard time talking to my friends' friends, then what more to people you meet inside bars. or probably i still haven't outgrown what my parents had taught us when we were kids, to never talk to strangers.

but i realized in a place like that, any gesture of politeness is the best response to any act of appreciation.

J was older than me. but J looks younger than i am, and definitely more fit. i offered my hand and gave the same name i gave earlier. but J didn't greet me with a smile. instead, J grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward its body and gave me a tight hug, one of the tightest hug i could remember. then that was the time, confusion began to sink in.

this was not the same response i used to read in
knoxx's entries, nor the same scenes in tristan's tales and definitely, not among the perfect moves of THE tripper.

i might missed something, i thought. but what?

being the paranoid me, the first thing that came in mind was to check for my pockets. but it seemed like everything were still there, and that made me more confused.

J didn't talk that much and neither do i. most of the time, i would catch J just staring at me that made me really conscious. there were already a number of things running inside my head: and most of them were fruits of my own paranoia, meaning, its not good.

after three dances or so, i felt i had to go back to my friends, so i had to excused myself to J. but even before i left, J then grabbed my hand and gave me a tightier hug. and i don't know if it was just me, or i didn't really feel any malice from it.

it was warm but at the same time it felt very lonely.

as we made our way to my friend's place, i have realized two things that morning: one, that appreciation is so rare these days for it seems like everybody keeps on striving it for themselves, that they have already forgotten on noticing and giving one to others; putting so much effort solely on how they look, act, behave and even to their works. call it a pick up move, but receiving one from others is such a precious and wonderful feeling. and by saying this, i also realized that perhaps for most people, appreciation is also one of those simple things that keeps them from going back to such places.


going out the next night was not in my list of how to spend a saturday night that day. but because of my rampant reputation of being kaladkarin, it didn't take a sweat from another set of friends to convince me to accompany them.

but honestly, i am really hesitant with the idea. not because, i am only wearing a simple gray shirt, a pair of jeans and hiking shoes, but because of many virtual memories of the place. not to mention the fact that aside from my friends, A also tagged along.

the place was filled with a concoction of expensive perfumes, decorated with moving sophistication, and gorgeous smiles. never thought that my eyes would dance that intense than my body.

but when the crowd started to clear the ledge to give way for the special acts, faces emerged and all the virtual memories began to materialize. the hesitations became regrets and the rest of it left me to become as hard as a rock.

i remember a friend, who once asked me, how do you manage to keep them?

i answered him, i don't. i just try.

sometimes you just have to bear the hurt in order for you to keep what is left from it. and at the end of the day, you just hope that you'll forget it, eventhough, you know it will be difficult.

i admit, i over rationalize things, to a point it over boards to the negative side. i lack spontaneity when the situation needs it. i shut down my emotions eventhough its just about to ignite. and above all, i pretend to be brave just because i know i am scared: scared of doing the same mistakes again and getting hurt. but what i didn't realize was that those impulses, mistakes and fears can also come up with good things, right decisions and timely actions, because that affirms other people that one is still human, capable of loving and being love.

thus, as we left the bar, i allowed my impulse to finally embrace me. an act was made not to restore anything from the past rather to come up with an answer for the next day. until the answer stood infront of my window, waived me goodbye and ran as fast as it could until it disappeared for the second time--- again.

picture sources:

Saturday, October 17, 2009

how to get rid of a very annoying sister

one day, my sister was annoyingly watching me while i was playing this game in my laptop.
she said,

"kuya, bakit ang hilig hilig mo dyan sa pokemon, halos hindi ka na matulog at kumain kakalaro niyan, e ang old school-old school naman?"

i paused the game, looked at her and said,

"kapatid, masarap lang kasi yung thought na may nakikipaglaban para sa iyo --- kahit sa isang laro lang."

she walked out upon hearing it.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

catching rapid thoughts

i know,

i fear because i don't understand.

i feel pain because there are so many things to be happy at.

i am confused for there are so many options.

i feel so little because i know i am better than what i am doing.

thus, i can't help contemplating.

but what can i do?

i am still human.

and i chose to live with it.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Are Philippine Gay Indie Films Really Liberating?

*thought of being academic today. hehehe

Many will agree that homosexuality is as old as human history. Nonetheless, societal acceptance is still yet to be fully achieved. Homosexuals are still considered taboo and social deviants, liable for social discrimination and punishment in many cultures. But through modernity, that made the flow of information seemed borderless and endless, there were various attempts, hundreds or even thousands if I may say, that made the reclaiming of the so-called homosexual space in the society, which is basically, not mere tolerance but more of acceptance, possible. And the power of film has been considered as one of the most effective tools in sending over the message of acceptance in both the homosexual and heterosexual communities.
Gay films or gay cinema are theatrical films that deal with or feature important gay, lesbian or bisexual characters or issues and may have same sex romance or relationships as an important plot device.
Gay films are not something new in Philippine Cinema. In fact, as early as the 1950s, Filipino moviegoers are already familiar and patronizing gay-themed movies. Perhaps, the two most popular Filipino actors under this genre would be Dolphy and Roderick Paulate.
Dolphy, who is considered as one, or if not, the most popular Filipino actor, have successfully portrayed various gay roles in the history of Philippine Cinema, considering the conservatism of his time. He have done a number of gay films which include: Jack en Jill (1954), Susanang Daldal (1962), Pepe en Pilar (1966), Kangkarot (1969), Facifica Falayfay (1969), Karioka Etchos de America (1971), Fefita Fofonggay viuda de Falayfay (1973), Sarhento Fofonggay (1974), Jack ‘n Jill of the Third Kind (1979), Ang Tatay kong Nanay (1978), Darna, Kuno? (1979) and Markova Comfort Gay (2000).
He is later succeeded by Roderick Paulate, who also starred in a surprising number of well-acclaimed gay films such as Charot (1984), Hee Man, Master of None (1984), Inday Bote (1985), Praybet Depektib Akademi (1986), Inday Inday sa Balitaw (1986), Ako si Kiko, Ako si Kikay (1987), Binibining Tsuper-Man (1987), Jack En Poy, Hale-Hale Hoy (1987), Mga Anak ni Facifica Falayfay (1987), Kumander Gringa (1987), Leroy Leroy SInta (1988), Me & Ninja Liit (1988), Petrang Kabayo at ang Pilyang Kuting (1988), Penoy… Balut (1988), Gorio en Tekla (1989), and Bala at Lipstick (1994).
Although the introduction of the gay man’s roles in Philippine cinema, among those of Dolphy’s and Roderick Paulate’s movies could be considered as important and pivotal points in introducing homosexuality in the traditional and conservative Philippines, it could not be denied that their movies were more of a tragedy despite its comic entry. Because of such movies, Filipino gay men were not well presented. It is prevalent during those times, that gay men were stereotyped as loud screamers, ridiculously effeminate, absurd speaking and colorful cross dressers (transvestism). Incidentally, the gay movie characters were stagnated in comedy films and never developed. Thus, it was inevitable for Filipinos, specifically movie goers, to imprison and stereotype gay men as subject of laughing stocks and targets of ridicule, just some of the reasons why gay men then hid their true identities inside the closets for fear of discrimination.

But during the 1990s, there were several attempts in changing the single image of the Filipino gay man, being the screaming, effeminate and cross dressers, which are typically associated with the so-called parlorista gays to various images. But this shift did happen gradually. A number of efforts in searching and establishing the multiplicity of gay men’s images in the Philippines was made and the films Sibak: Midnight Dancers (1994) and Miguel/Michelle (1994) were among those that introduced some terms such as transexuality and transgender. Subsequently, another image of the Filipino gay man was formed, one which was almost similar to heterosexual men. In the films like Ang Lalaki sa Buhay ni Selya (1997), Pusong Mamon (1998) and Paraiso ni Efren (1999), gay characters or roles were no longer generally depicted under the stereotyped image of parlorista, rather their looks, behaviors and actions shown were almost synonymous to a typical heterosexual man. From these, a larger amount of male homosexuals was able to relate and associate themselves toward these characters, especially among urban areas in the country, making it easier to come out.
On the other hand, during this period as well, most gay-themed films were chained within the boundaries of commercial sex. In other words, gays were then associated and stereotyped again differently with buying love and/or sex from heterosexual men among gay bars and other establishments. Such issues were prevalent in the movies Sibak: Midnight Dancer (1994) and Burlesk King (1999), which basically followed the tradition of Lino Brocka’s Macho Dancer (1998).
New millennium came and another genre created a trend in the course of Philippine Cinema, Independent or popularly known as Indie Films. Indie films started surprising and reopening Filipino moviegoers with more daring and challenging issues such as poverty and social deviances. Issues that the popular or mainstream cinema often or would hesitant to tackle, one of which is gay issues.
Perhaps, some of the first and most successful gay indie films were Cris Pablo’s popular works, which would include Duda/Doubt (2003), Bilog (2005), Bathhouse (2005) and Moreno (2007). Here, Pablo had successfully changed the image of gay men away from the stereotyped parlorista as depicted by Dolphy and Roderick Paulate in their movies and the commercial gay roles of the 90s. He introduced a diverse and deeper sense of relationships among gay men and also started revealing the various establishments most homosexuals engage into, in order to realize their individualities and needs. He highlighted the presence of gay cinema houses, bath houses/spas, bars and the use of various modern devices such as the Internet, where gay men could actually meet and actualize their sexualities, without monetary reciprocation.
Eventually, this triggered a surprising wave of indie films makers to follow. Brillante Mendoza (Masahista, 2005), Adolfo Alix Jr. (Day Break, 2008), Paolo Villanueva (Selda, 2007), Joselito Altajeros and Lex Bonifed (Lalaki sa Parola, 2007; Kambyo, 2008; Lihim ni Antonio, 2008; and Little Boy, Big Boy, 2009), to name a few. Aside from various international film festival recognitions and awards, gay indie films also gained a wide audience from both heterosexual and homosexual viewers. These made mainstream film makers and producers to see a viable market among gay themed films. Thus, commercial film invasion and the redefinition of gay indie film were expected to follow.
Commercialization brought and highlighted several issues among gay indie films. First, the bastardization of the male body as the primary vehicle in selling the movie, instead of the body as a crucial subject in exploring one’s sexuality and identity. Second, reducing the image of gay men to mere sexual subjects and its effect in attaining societal or national acceptance. And lastly, its effects to gay indie film in terms of its aesthetical production.
Although sexual images or scenes were also present among earlier gay indie films, it could not be denied that due to the uncertainty of possible viewership during that time, gaining profit was still not the main purpose of producing these films. Rather, it could be viewed that such images and scenes were important elements in the movie to highlight how repression pushes individuals to look for other means and devices to satisfy their needs and identities in an environment where their sexuality are considered as taboo and immoral. In other words, a homosexual is believed to be alienated with his/her body because of various external or social repressions.
Nonetheless, due to emergence of an alarming number of gay indie films that rampantly focuses on scenes of men having sex with each other, the story and the intentions of it become suspicious. Most gay indiefilms could already be considered as mere pornography, hiding underneath the cloak of an art or an indie film just to sell. In effect, it is possible that a society will view gay men, basing from how films depict gay realities, as mere sexual objects, slaves to their own desires and not entitled with acceptances.
Many believe that the main reason of homophobia is anchored upon the irrational fear of heterosexuals that homosexuals will sexually attack them. Thus, if gay indie films will keep on producing sexually themed rather than gay themed films, acceptance and the elimination of homophobia will never be actualized.
But not all gay indie films suffered from these loopholes. In 2005, Auraeus Solito released Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros, that gave moviegoers a breath of fresh air against the rampant and tiring sex and flesh ordeal present in most gay indie films. He depicted the naiveness and ignorance of a young gay boy in understanding and accepting his sexuality, despite the corrupting poverty surrounding him. The movie also transgressed over the homosexual picture by immersing in the lives of the heterosexual characters in the movie. It redefined the concept of machismo by putting three very manly
characters, Maximo’s father and brothers, in the plot to be accepting and protective over Maxi, a rare picture in a patriarchal family. Nonetheless, the film didn’t make Maxi as weak and ever dependent to other people. In fact, as the film rolled, one will realize that the supporting actors were actually the ones who were dependent on him and not the other way around, an interesting twist every gay indie film should atleast have and/or should be.
As one of my professors used to say, “Set the stakes higher.” If Filipino gay indie filmmakers want to make and keep the genre rolling, one should not stagnate himself from the superficial call of his/her market and to the fed up “titillating” sex scenes. S/he has to continue enriching the genre by devising and thinking “fresher” means, strategies and stories that would keep its flame burning, that would offer various tastes to the unending crave of moviegoers. And above all, a gay indie film maker should always consider bringing it back to his characters, the gay men, by creating films that would make people understand and accept; and not just to satisfy their petty sexual pleasures.
*special thanks to coach. hahaha!

Monday, October 5, 2009

zambales: even before ondoy and peping

even before ondoy and peping, i already had my fair share of the struggle. that although, my place was not directly hit by both tragedies, i was able to experience how it feels like to find your way in these kinds of catastrophies.

two weeks before ondoy hit metro manila, i was on my way to the provinces of bataan and zambales for my research. i was able to finish bataan with no hassle. but when i reached olonggapo city and looked for a bus trip to botolan, i noticed that there were no direct trips going there, which i find odd.

the bus driver informed me that the bridge that connects carael and botolan was not passable, that they are even under a state of calamity due to the previous typhoon that hit it. nonetheless, he assured me that i'll still be able to reach botolan, one way or another. being the naive traveller me, i believed him.

it was more than a couple of hours trip. there were even times that i couldn't feel either my ass or balls anymore. there was a lola with a baby, who rode along with us. and the baby, perhaps 8 months old, was crying on the top of her throat despite the attention and the collective efforts of everyone inside the bus in calming her. we later on suspect that the baby is hungry. unfortunately, the magaling na lola actually forgot her grandchild's milk bottle. i wondered, sino ang makakalimot ng dede kapag may dala kang bata sa byahe. but i thought, siguro ulyanin na din si lola.
we already lost hope upon hearing this and conditioned ourselves that we'll have to bear with the kid for another hour or so. until finally, the lola broke down. she was already screaming and started begging, "NAKIKIUSAP PO AKO, PLEASE! SINO PO ANG PWEDENG MAGVOLUNTEER NA MAGPADEDE SA BATANG ITO?!"

all the women inside the bus started screaming upon hearing this. but no one was brave enough to take the challenge. i even felt quite embarassed when i noticed the baby staring at my chest. well, i pretended as if i didn't notice and hear the old woman's plea. besides, i didn't want to spoil the child's innocence, right?

eventually, the mag lolas were able to reach their destination, still with normal auditory senses. but when i thought, the struggle was already over, here comes the bridge, the driver was telling me earlier. we literally had to walk probably a kilometer from the bus stop and cross a piece of steel bar underneath a raging flood. and mind you, it was already past 6 in the evening then, with only the thought of not falling down in mind.

when i was able to cross the bridge, from afar, i saw the baranggay hall, almost half submerged in flood. we had to wait for another 15 minutes for our ride to arrive. i was actually thinking of rubber boats or a yacht (sosyal!) then suddenly, i saw a big dump truck, like the ones you hear with that irritating tone of chopsticks, making its way to our spot. i climbed myself on top of it, with the thought of always falling down. but the people there were gracious enough to give out some helping hands. the same thing happened, on my way back to subic, but with an added rain storm.
honestly, it was one hell of an adventure. considering the fact, that it took me almost a day to go to botolan just for a minute of interview.

when i thought that bayanihan, with people helping each other, carrying a nipa hut to transfer itfrom one place to another, is alread a myth and can only be found in hekasi books, here comes this trip and then ondoy, then peping and who knows what else will come next.

nonetheless, it was a very memorable trip, not to mention i was able to had breakfast with akiro sato the next morning in my lodge at subic.

Friday, October 2, 2009

baguio: the first timer

how do you looked at something for the first time?

my best friend and i have been wanting to enter that establishment ever since college. (un)fortunately, it was only just recently when i had the chance to go there. but with a different set of friends. up to now, my best friend is still not talking to me.

the place was dark as expected. there were annoying blinking lights, cheap backdrop design of what seemed to be blazing flames and a dancer wearing a black sleeveless top, skimpy maong pants and knee length boots that definitely came from ukay-ukay.

the dancer has the body and moves like your typical dancer in those movies that call themselves as indie films. and it seemed like body gliding, swinging (or more like jerking), and head-touching-the-ground dances were the standard moves for this so-called titilating interpretative dance.

until finally, when the remaining table infront of the stage, occupied by two middle age audience began clapping and cheering, everyone in our table, except me, knew that it was already the start of the "happy hour". the light turned dimmer and began blinking violently, to a point, where your eyes would just hurt bvy mere staring at the dancer. then suddenly, the dancer pulled something out of those tattered jeans.

and yes, i know what it was. but surprisingly, knowing what it was didn't trigger what suppose to be an expected response from me. perhaps, this is my reaction towards something, i keep on looking forward, for the first time.


for its actually the things playing inside my head that creates those expectations, i crave to experience. nonetheless, it doesn't always equates to reality. its interesting how we live by our and other people's expectations, allowing ourselves to get trap into it, just to get frustrated in the end.

i remember when i slept with someone i was really attracted to before. there was not a single time, i didn't fantasize for the day we share the same bed. but when that day came, in my surprise, no matter what we do or how often we do it, the sum of those acts didn't meet even a fraction of the sensation i was expecting. the ending, i caught myself saying, "M was always good when i am masturbating."

perhaps, its really up to us. whether we opt in forming expectations and work it out; or not expect at all.

and did i say we were raid that night?