Wednesday, July 30, 2008

parked privacy

all of us crave for privacy. as much as possible we tend to hide things, attitudes, pasts and even the truth about us from other people. we portray various images to protect our weaknesses and flaws from the prejudisms of others. funny because we all admit that we are not perfect and never will be one. but we tend to make fun of other's imperfections. eventhough we share the same.
men will probably be the most unpredictable beings among all creations. they wish and look for someone to share their lives with: to love unconditionally and be together as ideal as possible.
but ironically, they will never allow each other to reveal themselves in bare: to be vulnerable against corruption: for their trust to be betrayed and their happiness to be grabbed. thus, it is very difficult for most of us to take a risk in submitting our trust and love to another. probably because in doing so, we are stripping off all the defense that we've created and worn in ourselves.
but will it really makes us happy if we will just keep our walls upright? or is it even worth sacrificing at all?


i was walking home late last night. when i saw the police mobile doing its usual nightly patrol in katipunan. they always do this since there is no police station nearby. but i was surprised when the police mobile cross the opposite lane towards the side street that i was walking. i thought that the car would hit me. but it immediately stopped infront of one of the cars parked along my way.
the policeman raised something from his left hand and pointed it to the car. at first, i thought it was gun. i told myself that someone is gonna be salvaged tonight and the unfortunate me, will be the only eyewitness of the crime and my life will be forever changed.
then the thing lit. it was actually a flash light. the policeman was trying to check if there is someone inside the vehicle. but no one was inside the car. then the police mobile went from one car to another and checked whether or not someone is inside the cars parked.
it was actually the first time i witnessed this kind of routine among policemen. usually, they do this when conducting check points among moving vehicles. but this time, they looked more like a security guard inspecting inside a cinema house. then the idea hit me.
if you are living along katipunan avenue, it is probably impossible for you to see an empty street even during holidays or weekends. people and cars kill for a parking space here and families make a living out of being parking personnels. but if there is one thing noticeable among parked cars, especially those parked along the street at the back of the main avenue is that they always have atleast a couple hanging inside. and believe me, if there are people inside, there is definitely an action as well.
for more than two years staying here, i have already seen couples kissing, crying, arguing, sleeping and even making out inside their cars. it also never fails that for each of these scenes, those people inside would then pause from what they are arguing and doing once they realized that someone is coming: which actually makes it more obvious.
now, it just tickles my curiosity why policemen suddenly got interested in checking each of the cars parked in katipunan. but who knows, i might see the answer one of these days.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

outside the circle (part3): the farmer

at the midst of the meniggococemia hysteria in baguio city around 2005, a more historic event actually happened, it was the hacienda luisita massacre. unfortunately, because of the over-sensationalized news about the false alarmed outbreak of some media networks, only few learned about it.
i remember packing sacks and boxes of rice, vegetables and canned goods to platic bags days before we went to tarlac. we were actually among the first student delegations that went to hacienda after the gruesome killings.
the feeling was beyond words when we stepped off the bus. the sight of hundreds of farmers, consisting of the actual picket line, clapping and cheering at you in tears, was indeed something that you would forever remember. it felt like as if you're given a standing ovation after a delivered speech for an acceptance of a nobel peace award. nonetheless, for me and most of my peers, it is more of an obligation towards our fellowmen than an award that we should keep for ourselves.
you could never imagine the number and weight of various stories that was told to us by different individuals. stories that go about beyond the words of injustice, cruelty and almost inhumane. surprisingly, as much as i wanted not to believe it, all of the accounts are undeniably consistent with one another.
i've heard stories of how farmers almost tire and even kill themselves out in working in the vast sugar cane field. how they've lost their limbs and loved ones in the sharp edges of their own carits. and all of these for what? for a pay slip that is worth P9.50 for a week work. yes, its P9.50 a week!
probably a very small amount of money for most of us. its only a jeep ride from cubao to marikina, an extra rice in a fastfood chain, three pieces of tukneneng in the middle of gil puyat, two pieces of pan de coco in julie's bakery and roughly five marlboro lights sticks.
but for these farmers, P9.50 means a lot. it means a whole family to feed for a week, an amount that will mold their family's survival and future and basically defines the value of their lives.
so who can blame them if they want their voices to be heard by the conjuangcos? if they will form a picket line infront of the central azucarera just for their pleads to be noticed? will you blame them if they'll ask for a higher compensation for a week of hard work? well, i just hope not.
unfortunately for these farmers, the saddest part is yet to come.

november 2005--- after two unsuccesful attempts by the military and the hacienda's administration of crumbling down the line (first was through shield and sticks and the second was with the use of huge firetruck spraying them with a mixture of water, steel dust and liquid sosa), they've come up with their last resort.
the picket line was erected infront of the central azucarera's main gate to block all people who will come out of the premise. when all of a sudden, in the most unexpected time of the day, a huge army tank frocefully crossed and broke down the steel gate. then a number of army men followed the tank and fired their guns randomly. farmers, supporters and children ran for their lives towards the safety of the talling sugar cane field. the air was filled with unending gunfires, agonizing cries and people shouting for the names of their missing loved ones. if i was not mistaken, 19 people died and more than 20 were missings.
no wonder there were a lot of pictures posted on almost all tents when we arrived at the picket line. aside from the pictures of the people whose coffins are inside the tents, there were still other people who were missing and hoping to be found.
each of us were designated with a buddy to ensure our security while inside the hacienda. there, manong jojo was assigned to me. he was a small man, probably six inches smaller than me, his skin was evidence of how often he was under the schorching sun. nonetheless, he has the most wonderful smile among the other farmers.
while we were on our way to the next picket line, he told me a lot of stories about himself. i learned that he has been a farmer in the hacienda all his life and this was passed to him by his father, which was passed over by his father's father as well and so on. inshort, he came from a family of farmers older than the hacienda itself. but unfortunately, it seemed like manong jojo will be the last farmer of their line. he lost his son, JR, on the day of the killings. i was extremely in shock of what i have heard. no words came out of my mouth and even my breathing stopped for a moment. i never expected that for a man who has the most uplifting smile was actually one of those who had the heaviest hearts.

he told me that JR didn't actually join the picket. it was just that day when he thought of bringing his parents a gallon of water just in case there will be another tear gas attack. for the water source from the picket line was actually more or less a mile away. but unfortunately, when JR arrived in the picket line, he was stuck in the middle of the firings. and he was mistakenly assumed to be one of the people who were doing the picket. after the firings, JR's body was seen hanging in the azucarera's wall: his neck wrapped with chicken wires that was used to suspend him: and multiple gun shots and stabbed wounds were found all around his body.
probably if not for the size of the tears (probably the biggest and roundest tears i have ever seen) that were about to drop from manong jojo's eyes while we were takking and the actual pictures that he have shown me, i would not even, in my wildest imagination, believe that it happened. not to mention the fact, that JR's story was just one among the many other stories that happened that day.
on our last night, the media came. i saw one interviewing manong jojo. at last, everyone will now hear his story. that night a "parangal" was given to those who have sacrificed their lives and to to those who are still continuing what they're fighting for. there were cultural presentations from other delegations, solidary messages and speeches from the relatives and loved ones who passed away and those who are missing. that would probably be one of my most celebrated event in my tibak life.
the next morning we bid our farewells to the farmers of hacienda luisita. but before i went inside the bus, i immediately approached manong jojo and gave him a sketch that i tried finishing the night we were introduced. its a portrait of two men embracing one another. but they are separated by a carit's slash. we shook hands and gave our appreciation and gratitude to one another. i will never forget him. these are the things magical and overwhelming about being an activist. for such never really happens in a day to day basis.

when we arrived in baguio. i just took a quick shower and went to the sala to watch the nightly news. after a while, the news about the hacienda luisita came in. i saw the reporter who interviewed manong jojo and he was now talking in the screen. then there were clippings of the picket line. at the back of my head, there was a wishful thinking that i'll be seen. but it didn't. then manong jojo appeared. the actual interview that took probably 15 minutes was only aired for less than 30 seconds. basically, the reporter took first the side of the farmers and then took the side of the military. i really carefully listened to the army's part. the officer in charge, forgot his name though, was now being interview. he claimed that the reason that why their men fired at the farmers because of an intelligence report that claims there were actually npas integrated in the actual picket. then they showed a picture of dead men lying in a hospital floor with high ammunition guns beside them.i was about to explode when i saw the pictures. i was really aggitated watching it that i really began cursing at the top of my throat. i am no expert when it comes to military combats ethics and protocols. but i believe that it is a given fact that a military officer is forbidden to engage in combat around civilians. and even so, following the logic of the officer being interviewed, is it justifiable to assume that all of the people who are in the picket line and around the area as npas, thus, they can randomly shoot at them? second, it is dumb obvious that the high ammunitions were just set up and placed at the side of each of the bodies. who will bring a firearm that big inside any mass assembly?
but even so, sometimes, if you'll come to think of it, its a human and natural reaction that if someone has been stepped on and stripped off of their rights, they will definitely retaliate. although, i am more of the diplomatic type of person, i still believe that it will still and always depend on the personality and decision of the people involve.i really admire people who voice and/or act upon to their principles: determined to be heard regardless if its through the use of arms or in a more diplomatic way.its just sad that at present, most people could not care more about such issues: oil fare hike, corruption and the like. some say that joining rallies, lobbying or what have you, are already not as effective as before. while others just have had enough of seeing, hearing and reading. thus, they would not particpate and worst be empathetic.yes, it is easy for us to say that we actually do and deny the fact that we are sounding defensive. but have you ever thought, what have you really done to address these issues and how effective it is so far?well, i must admit that i, myself is guilty of the things that i am pointing at. and like most of these people, i also have so many things to consider and priorities to mind about. but at the end of the day, whenever i watch the news, i always remember manong jojo and asked myself, what happened?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

saan nagwawakas ang mga tula?

sa alaala,
doon ka nagsimula 
isang buwan, isang linggo
at tatlong araw
ang gunita mo'y patuloy na umaalingangaw

binilang ko hindi ang oras
kundi ang alimuong lumandi sa buwan
hinintay ang sandali na maubos ang mga butil 
na umaamba
sa kawalan na nakatulala 
habang pinupukol
ang pagsayaw ng nagdududang dalampasigan

kinabisado ko ang pagluha ng mga bato,
inaalam ang pinagmumulan nitong nanunuot na lansa
habang kinakalas ang taling kumanlong sa bukas


hindi ko pa, nais na masaksihan ka'ng muli
palapit sa aking pagnanasa

huwag mo ulit yakapin ang aking pangungulila
dahil alam naman natin, sa iyo pa rin nagwawakas
ang aking mga tula

*mula sa aparador ko'ng amoy naptalina
linikha noong ika-pito ng abril, 2006
**alay sa isang matalik na kaibigan at sa kanyang pagsasarado ng humigit kumulang tatlong taong relasyon. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

dark knight too dark

i have been a strong believer of one's decision and free will. for me, there should be no tabboo nor restrictions for whatever man desires. no one should interfere another person's search, quest and enjoyment of his/her happiness. its there life to live anyway: its there own fulfillment to be filled in and own life span to be molded as part of a larger monument. as long as it will not cross another's free will and happiness, it is absolutely fine with me.
but ofcourse, man doesn't completely know what his boundaries and limitations are, especially at times when they are extremely driven by their needs and wants. thus, we have laws, mores and norms created and being implemented. in order for us, to know our responsibilities and obligations as an essential unit of our society.
nonetheless, it is already a given fact that some of these are actually the ones that crosses other individual's sense of self-actualization and determination. probably, by this time, you already know such specifics in your own ways.
yesterday, i went to watch dark knight together with a couple of friends. the film was great! but if you are the typical movie goer for film adaptions of books, cartoon or comic series that expects numerous outstanding visual effects and close to impossible fight scenes, you might get frustrated. the film is more of deep sense and wits. like the batman that we allknow, the movie also displayed a concrete sense of realism and practicality about life. and there was actually one line in the film that moved me.
it was delivered by the character, harvey dent and it says, "i only live by chances. for chances are unbiased: unprejudistic and fair."

if you'll come to think of it, it is actually true. when we make our decisions based on our volition, we tend to be bias with ourselves. we never realized that the decisions that we made, one way or another, affects the will of another person.
for a second, i almost lost my belief there. but in second thoughts, it is still undeniable that we are the captain of our own lives. though our decisions and actions are dependent and intertwined with one another, i believe that there is one ingredient that separate us from others: that is why there are conflicts, compromisions and discriminations. then i realized, the essence of respect. respect that comes in two ways: respecting the rights of other people, in consideration with the decisions that you make and respect towards other people's decisions, from which your rights are not directly affected.

Monday, July 21, 2008

ang TUNAY na BAON para sa AKIN

hindi ako nagbabaon sa opisina.
pero siguro kahit gaano kaburyong, paulit-ulit at nakakastress ang trabaho mo, ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka ganahan kung ganito ang makikita mo pagbukas ng lunch box mo...
seryoso, napaisip ako'ng magbaon ng nakita ko ito.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

outside the circle: the crossdresser (part2)

next was nat, a cross dresser.

i must admit that ever since i was a kid and even before i met nat, i had an irrational fear against cross dressers: and that was solely against them. i can be with effeminates, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals, fems, fairies, butches and what have you. but not crossdressers. it was something irrational and baseless. thus, i can't really explain why. probably the least i could think of, is the impression that was instilled to me by my environment and i have carried over when until i grew up.

although i don't really have anything against them personally (or so i thought), i just feel uncomfortable when i am near them. that despite millions of pages that i have read about homosexuality and probably thousand of discussions about it, it was still insufficient to eradicate my fear completely.

then came nat.i met him at work. although we really didn't talk that much at first.

nat is your typical crossdresser that would enter the office with his louis vitton bag, shiny scarf wrapped around his neck, body hugging statement shirt, skinny jeans, oversized dolce shades and stilletos. probably if you are new in the floor, you'll be nailed in your seat, looking at him and thinking whether or not he is a dude or a babe.

but the thing with nat was, he was always reserve. you will seldom see him laughing or talking at the top of his voice. though he is always approachable and would never ever raise his brow on you.

one day, i met him in the pantry and we took lunch together. in a moment we were both overwhelmed with silence. then he decided to break the ice. i must say that he is a very good conversationalist. i haven't heard a single term from him that refered to fashion and hollywood stars. probably, he knew that my interest didn't rest there. we talked about various things: from the operations in the office to society and politics.

i invited him downstairs to smoke, in which he gladly accepted although he don't smoke. we continued our talk there and waited until our lunch break was over. in a way, i felt quite guilty. for i thought that probably he was just refraining himself from talking about his own interests. but in second thought, from the way the conversation went, you would not feel that the topic was actually alienating him. in fact, he was so good and hooked into it that my words are already failing me. for the first time, i dropped my walls against a crossdresser.

the next day, he invited me over for lunch in the pantry. in which, i also accepted. from then on, we became regular lunch and conversation buddies until i resigned last april. thus, when i was asked to do a character in an independent film. but i didn't fit the character sketch. so i immediately referred nat to do it. fortunately he was able to get the main character and now the film was already done with its production. it will be shown in a local film festival so better watch for it.

meeting nat made me realized so many things about crossdressers. i realized how pitifully ignorant i was and people like me as well, to throw such things against them. you'll even be surprised to learn that they are experiencing probably the gravest of discriminations. for it is not only coming from heterosexuals. but also among fellow homosexuals.

in the society that we currently have, determining a homosexual in a crowd can probably be as difficult as looking for a needle in a haystack. by the introduction of various homosexual classifications such as bisexuals, straight-actings, gay males etc. especially within urban/metropolitan settings, the image of a male homosexuals have transcended from the typical cross dressers into a more "tolerable image." some would actually argue that such introduction have benefited some male homosexuals for the gradual change in the picture of them have lessened the effect of discrimination. some actually called it as chamelioning: camouflging or adapting to its environment to avoid potential attacks.

however, this did not appraise the status of the cross dressers at all. in fact, if you're going to look at it, this actually made their status in a way, worst. for they are already being discriminated by bisexuals etc as well. most of the latter argue that they don't want to be near cross dressers for they open themselves (in terms of cross dressing being too loud and effeminate) from the discrimination of others. in addition, this also made finding a lover or a partner very difficult than before. for almost all male homosexuals nowadays, prefer to have a more masculine and straight acting partner than having an effeminate and cross dressing one.

but i don't really feel bad or worried for nat. some may think that its something like parents feel, worrying about the future and happiness of their gay child. thus, they repress it. but i will never advice nat to be more masculine in order to be happy. for i already know that he already is and simply being himself will even make him happier than everybody else. and who knows, if he was able to realize and made write me these, he can actually do the same to every person he will meet in his life. that they will also learn, just like me, that the personality of a person should not be judge by how they look, what they wear and what there preferences are. they should be treated just like any other individual: respected based from what you have gained from them and value for the things that they have marked and thought you.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

outside the circle (part1)

someone once told me that no matter how old you are, how vast your experiences and how fascinating the conversations you may have been, the greatest stories in life are still yet to come. and most of us fail to witness these, because such usually happen outside our circle and many of us tend not to go outside of it.

i always wondered how is it like to have someone or a friend that is completely different from the ones you currently have. but don't get me wrong. for i am very and ever be grateful with the friends that i have at present. we may have our own litny versions on how lucky we are to have our friends. but probably mine would be the quote from claudine barreto (or whoever she may have quoted this line) which was, "i don't know how good i was in my past life to deserve them in this life time." nonetheless, these are just thoughts that usually pass by once in a while. just like now.

believe it or not, when i was in college, i had an actual list of people which i want to have as friends. these people vary in terms of personalities, class, lifestyles and most of all, life stories. for i rather listen than talk when it comes to conversations different from my usual.

but i almost forgot all about it. until tonight when i tried reorganizing some of my archives in my room and found the actual list. the feeling while i was reading that piece of paper was unexplainable. there were so many memories that popped out in my head that my system got confused and didn't know what emotion/s it needed to trigger up. nonetheless, one thing is for sure. it really made me smile and completed my day.

basically, the list includes a prostitute, a priest, an abortionist, a farmer, a cross dresser, a skyscrapper, an embalmer or coroner, a sexy starlet, a clown, a prisoner, an asylum patient and someone with a terminal ailment such as an AIDS victim. after reading it, i tried checking which among the items in the list can i already put a name into.

first, i have maco, a prostitute that me and jamie met in burnham park when we were in college. he became a respondent for our case studies in separate classes. i remember that during that conversation, i have realized that i am actually hearing a different story from the ones me and jamie were actually expecting. there i have learned to never speculate what your respondent will answer in a research.

maco was actually a boatman before becoming a callboy. surprisingly, he confessed to us that it was not really money that drove him to enter the business. at first, it was peer pressure. a couple of his friends, who were also male prositutes, invited him to try it atleast just for one night and out of curiousity, he did. he told us that it wasn't really what he expected. there were no regrets nor guilt eating up his dignity: that he actually liked it: that it didn't really matter to him if he was doing it to a man or a woman: that probably he might be a pervert but atleast he was acting on what he believes would satisfy him. thus, he stayed and continued doing it.

it was already in my senior year when i came across with him again while walking in session road. probably after more than a year or so, i was still able to recognize him. he was with a group of 5 or more men. and in a way, i know that he still recognizes me judging by the way he looked at me during that time. i also remember that i was shouting and looking for jamie's name in my head. then we were about to pass each other he smiled and raised his brows at me. and yes, i raised my brows too as a response. then smiled after he passed by my side.

to be continued...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

5 unique things about makati

i haven't even been a month-long yet working in makati. but i can already say that i have already noticed atleast, a handful of interesting things about it.

even without statistical back ups, it is safe to label makati as the most highly convenience store concentrated area in the country (ortigas being the second in the list).

when i was in baguio, i already find it extremely ridiculous to see three 7/11 outlets along the stretch of session road. in which, each outlet has different price ranges for specific products.
but during my first day in makati, when i tried looking my way to work, i just realized that i have already passed atleast three 7/11 outlets in my walk. not to mention ministop outlets and other not that popular convenience stores.
at first, i never really get the rationale about it. until one day, i went out of our building to smoke. unfortunately, i already ran out of cigarettes in my pack. so as usual, i took a walk and find a sidewalk vendor that sells my brand. i was so preoccupied of looking for one during that time, that i just realized that i already consummed my entire 15 minute break by just looking for a single cigarette vendor. out of tough luck, i was forced to buy a pack in 7/11. but since i have already ran out of time, i wasn't able to smoke even a single stick from the pack that i just bought.

for the record, i haven't seen a single street kid or vagrant that asks for spare change. this is something that i am not really used to especially if you live in katipunan, where street kids are roughly greater than the whole ateneo population. and if you study in recto, where street kids and vagrants are more arrogant than common people.

thank god i don't have a car. because aside from the oil hikes, driving in makati is like getting off your car and pointing your finger in a traffic enforcer just to get a ticket.
rerouting traffic schemes in makati are more often done than one doing his laundry. why do i know such if i don't drive a car? if you're a commuter you'll notice that almost everywhere there is a traffic enforcer ticketing someone. and the sad part of it is, educating the driver about the new rerouting shcemes is longer than the actual ticketing.

almost all buildings have people smoking infront (sometimes at the back as well) of it. so if you're a non-smoker makati is pretty much a not-so-friendly environment for you. on the other hand, if you are thinking of quitting like me. there is absolutely no chance dude if you are working in makati. the place is so fond of smokers that they have alloted a space in each establishments as a smoking area.

when a fellow blogger, in the name of dabo (naks! kasama siya), texted me that he was taking his afternoon merienda in a jollijeep, i was actually imagining a rolling jollibee kiosk, more like the one that chowking previously had. i also thought that probably it was a new marketing strategy for makati people, who are always on the go. but when he told me that he was having "turon," i got completely lost.

for the benefit of other people who are as dumb naive as i am. a jollijeep is basically a mobile carenderia. but the catch is it doesn't move. so why is it called a jeep if it doesn't move? i also have no idea!

nonetheless, the jollijeep caters to almost all menu that one could possibly think of and in the most cheapest possible price. you'll be even be suprised to know how vast that choices could be. but there is actually no space inside for a kitchen to fit in. there are only magical caseroles spread all over the place that instantly produce the food that you order. interesting huh?!

i was just kidding, dude...

* mak, thanks for the request. i almost forgot that i used to this before. hehehe! keep you're request coming, naks radyo?! hahaha
** sorry for the typo and gramatical errors. hehehe.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

cubao in the dark

" hindi ka ba natatakot kapag bumababa ka ng cubao," tanong sa akin ng isang kaopisina.

" hindi naman. katunayan, nag eenjoy pa nga ako kapag naglalakad eh," sagot ko.

tumahimik siya bigla at hindi na sumagot.

sabi ko sa isip ko, " malisyoso pala itong hayup na ito eh!" (o baka naman ako lang ang nag iisip ng malisya laban sa akin.)

ayokong pumupunta sa makati kahit duon ako nagtratrabaho at ayoko ding pumupunta ng maynila kahit duon ako nag aaral. pero gustong gusto kong naglalakad ng madilim sa cubao mapa-gabi o madaling araw(eh malisyoso ka din pala eh!). hindi dahil sa librong cubao in the dark(?) o dahil sa kung ano-ano pa mang malisyang nakakabit dito. gusto ko ang cubao lalo na sa madilim dahil sa nakatagong katotohanang ipinapakita nito sa bawat nangangahas lakarin ito.


sa cubao, naghahalo ang mga may kaya sa wala, ang mga moralista sa mga puta, ang tanggap sa mga di tanggap. ika nga nila, ito daw ay isang neutral ground para sa lahat. ang bawat isa ay nakikidaan lang at nag aabang. walang nangangahas maglabas ng masamang puna laban sa kapwa. kaya pala hindi nakakapagtakang matagal na itong nagiging tambayan para sa (nai)iba at tampulan ng tukso ng ilan.

kagabi, tulad ng dati, bumaba ako sa tapat ng baliwag terminal mula makati. naglakad habang nagyoyosi papuntang aurora blvd. hinanda ko na ang sarili ko sa mga bantay ng overpass. sila yung mga haharang sa pag akyat, pagtawid at pagbaba mo, magyayaya ng "siks!"

huminto naman ako at nagtanong, " ano po?" sa paghinto ko yun na ang tanda ng mga iba pang mga babae para dumugin ako. sasabihin ulit ng matandang babae, "siks po, sir! siks." hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang gusto niyang sabihin... hanggang sa sasabihin niyang," dalawang daan lang po sir! siks!"

huli ka! " seks pala!" saka ako kumaripas ng paglalakad. pero sumusunod pa rin sila. malayo-layong habulan din ito kung tutuusin. pero sa wakas nakababa rin ako. duon ko maalala, parang namukhaan ko ata yung isa sa mga babae kanina. siya yung, isang tanghali, nakita kong natutulog sa harapan ng lumang sinehan sa tabi rin ng over pass, kasama rin ng ibang mga taong ginawa ng hubad na tahanan ang edsa.

kapag minsan talaga maiisip mo, hindi mo rin sila masisisi. "prostituted" din kasi sila. naisip ko tuloy bigla, prostituted din kaya ako o pinili ko talagang maging prostitute? (ibang usapan na ito).

balik ako sa normal na bilis nang paglakad ko. mamaya maya. sa gilid ng isang building malapit sa gateway, may isang hilera ng mga lalake, babae, binata, dalaga, matanda at bata ang natutulog ng nakatihaya, bukaka, tagilid at hilata. tanging sako at karton lang ang sapin laban sa tigas ng patay na semento. cliche kung titignan pero kung mas madalas pa siya sa cliche na nangyayari, tingin ko hindi na rin siya cliche, malaking problema na ito. hindi ko maiwasang hindi tumingin. mamaya-maya sa dulo ng mahabang hilera, may nagyayaya na naman ng seks. pucha! huwag mong sabihing pati sila.

pagtawid papuntang terminal, may matandang ale na may akay-akay na bata ang kumakausap sa isang pulis at isang cubao volunteer. nag rereport sa nawawala niyang cellphone. sa saglit na pagdaan ko, narinig ko na halos ang kwento ng buhay niya. nirereport niyang nawawala daw ang cellphone niya at galing pa siyang bicol. hindi niya alam kung papaano niya makokontak ang anak niya dahil hindi niya alam kung papaano ang papunta sa kanila at tanging sa cellphone nakalagay ang number niya. hindi matahan ang matanda sa pag iyak. pati ang bata tuloy naiiyak na sa takot. naisip ko, marahil sa isang bagay na hindi naman niya alam kung bakit.

sa hintayan ng jeep, as usual marami-raming tao. mababasa mo sa mga mukha nila, "sana may jeep pa papuntang cogeo, sana may jeep pa!" buti na lang katipunan lang ako.

habang naghihintay ng masasakyan, may dalawang binata ang naghaharutan sa likod ko. masikip ang mga tshirt, kupas ang maong, ayus na ayos ang buhok at kapwa may belt bag. naghaharutan at nagyayakapan. sila lang siguro ang masaya nang mga sandaling yun. may iilang tumitingin pero walang ilag sa ginagawa nila.

iilan lang ang nakasakay sa jeep. may mga couples. halata mo'ng magkakatrabaho sila sa iisang department store. ang eksena, may isang pagod. tapos may isang yayakap, hahalik at babantay kung bababa na sila. ang sweet noh?! parang napakasimple ng lahat para sa kanila.

napakatahimik sa loob ng jeep. may ilang nahuhulog at nabibigla na sa sobrang antok at pagod. may isang babae namang napakailag sa paglabas ng cellphone niya. takot manawakan pero di naman mapigilan ang sarili sa pagtetext. tapos biglang may sumakay bandang anonas. matandang lalaki, mapula ang mukha, mapungay na ang mga mata at ABA! may dalang sigarilyo. nagsisigarilyo siya sa loob ng sasakyan. takip ng ilong at bibig ang mga pasahero. pero wala pa ring nagsalita at sumuway sa kanya.

"PARA LANG PO!" sigaw ko. bumaba na ako. tumawid sa overpass. buti na lang wala pang mga bantay dito. imbes na mag trike naisipan ko pa ring maglakad papuntang bahay. pagdaan ko, buhay na buhay pa rin ang katipunan balintuna sa lugar na pinanggalingan. punong-puno ng buhay at sigawan, lalo na dito sa drews. haaay, matagal tagal na rin akong graduate ng kolehiyo pero namimiss ko pa rin pala ang mga imaheng ganito. masayang nakikipagkwentuhan sa mga kaibigan hanggang mag-umaga, nag cracramp sa mga reports at papers sa fastfood na libre ang internet at iba pa.

pagdating ko ng tapat ng bahay namin, ABA!!! may malaking aso... at isa pang ABA hindi lang siya malaking aso, isa siyang dalmatian! sosyal! nakakawalang dalmatian.. at aba tinahulan niya ako. siya pa ang galit. naghintay tuloy ako ng 15 minutes sa labas at hinintay ko pa siyang makaalis bago ako makapasok ng gate namin.

pagdating ko ng kwarto, naligo ako at diretso sa dvd rack. tapos bigla ko'ng natanong, ano kayang pwedeng panuorin? tapos naisip ko, matutulog na lang ako, tama na yung napanuod ko ngayong gabing ito...

*naisip ko baka hindi na ako marunong magsulat sa filipino kaya sinubukan ko ulit.
**minsan ba naisip niyong nasa loob at bahagi kayo ng isang pelikula? yung mga tipong masyadong surreal ang lahat para maging totoo? ako, kasi madalas lalo na sa lugar at tagpong tulad nito.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

an awkward moment

have you ever experienced a friend or someone approaching with an unusual expression in his/her face? forehead dripping with round sweat. eyes looking down differently from the way it used to be. indefinite body movement. feet as heavy as anvils. by the time s/he is standing infront of you, s/he'll look at you.

then you'll ask, " is there a problem? you don't look the usual."

there is an awkward silence for a moment.

lips will open but words will hesistate to come out. until finally s/he utters, "i love you."

because i haven't. nonetheless, what if such will happen to you without you expecting it? how will you react? what will you do?

the other day, a friend talked to me about thinking of confessing his feelings to a friend. basically, we made a run down, plans and probable actions to take on all circumstances that may happen upon the actual event. i never received any outcomes of the event yet.but then i came up with the weirdest idea, i wondered what if i am the person that my friend is referring to. thus, i am writing it now.

based from experience, i can say that despite everything about me and modesty aside, there were still a number of individuals who fell for me. nonetheless, they never really confronted me face-to-face (probably because they knew that i hate being confronted). rather they have relayed these to common friends. luckily, i know where the loyalty of my friends stand.

it was indeed quite ackward at first. for the first time within your friendship, you don't know what to do and say the next time you'll meet again. everything is taken in consideration with extreme cautious and sensitivity because you don't really want them to take it differently, right? but i believe that it is way different from what it used to be if you'll be confronted face-to-face. for the event requires you an immediate reaction. for rationality could no longer hide the spontaneity that is being asked out of a very brief time. you might be nailed from where your standing. even your words might fail you. but still a reaction is compelled to be given out.

everything about this may remain mystery for now, atleast for me. but who knows, probably it might come out infront of you after reading this. if that will happen, please, just don't forget to share it as well. atleast for everyone's sake.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

call me selfish

i hate saying goodbyes to people i am close with, especially when i am forced to do it. there are times when i can't help myself from blaming others: the government, other people and even myself, why someone close have to go abroad. i want to blame the government for putting up such effective advertisements and reinforcements about how nobel being an overseas worker is? i want to blame our society for painting into our mentality, a picture of a greener pasture outside our own. i want to blame our own family, who kept on comparing the lives of other people who went abroad to our own household and how some expect us to go overseas.
but in reality, i can't really blame them since its a decision made by their own volition or worst even forced by the circumstances they are at: poverty or what not.
a couple of days back, i received an invitation from a friend inviting me for dinner. he also informed me that the rest of our peers were also invited and expected to come. and to top it all, it will be his treat. it was quite intriguing since he never threw one before. i even tried checking if there was a special occasion that i have forgot about him. but i don't really remember his birthday being near to mine.
when i arrived at the venue, late as usual, he was already there together with her girl friend (who also happen to be my bedmate way back in college). then the big surprise came in and me being caught off guardedly. he is leaving for dubai on tuesday and i didn't have the chance to persuade or atleast advise him about it. probably. they already know what i am going to say.
yes, i know, my words wouldn't really matter and its only there to widen their idea about things that may come. but as i usually say, its always there call.
i just can't help myself from getting frustrated and furious about the idea.
call me selfish.
but admit it or not, its really hard to lose a close friend or even a relative for that matter over a job abroad. it seemed as if everybody is rushing to go out. while there is a little or close to none who wants to go (back) in. probably before we know it, we're the only one left.
for the record, i already lost more than ten of my closest friends over such promises. some left for singapore, in the middle east, in korea and most in the united states. and what is more aggravating is the fact that, when they promise you that they'll just save up sufficient money and return, its usually the other way around. because the saddest part of such is, once they are already settled with their life, thats the point when they will decide to stay there for good, processed everything and be a citizen.
probably i am just scared of the idea that eventually all of us will be forgotten and left still waiting and holding on to the promise of returning back.

today, someone asked me if i have plans of going abroad.
i smiled and said, probably for vacation. the country is too full of memories to be forgotten.

Friday, July 4, 2008

this day

its been ages since i have first promised myself that i will start my life all over. like most of us, i wanted to eliminate or atleast regulate my vices, know my goals and focus into it, improve my good attributes and try new things. but usually, it doesn't happen because of various reasons: lack of discipline and focus are among the top of the lists.

but i wondered, what if everyone has a button in their body that could actually reset all memories and experiences, will you dare press it? will you dare starting all over again---completely?

the idea is not really new especially to those who have seen the movie, eternal sunshine for a spotless mind, where the characters of jim carrey and kate winslet, both decided to erase their memories of one another after they broke up. nonetheless, it is still a very interesting idea to ponder and consider. especially at times when we are really hurt or after a very traumatic experience. but come to think of it, it is also a very risky thing to do. since most of us don't really know the things that we may lose and just realzied after its already gone.

some of us are even hesitant in mere resetting our phones to its factory setting. because we might haven't save important messages or files yet: that we still have important things that we could not afford losing.

probably the idea of starting all over is not really eliminating everything that you want to break free with, rather it is actually carrying them as you go to your new start. for such baggages bring together with you, all the lessons and experiences that you'll need as you proceed in life.

and after realizing all of these, i can say that today is the best day to start it. don't you think?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

pondering upon virginity

i must say that from the way things are going for me, it is indeed difficult to cope up with an environment quite new to you.
school so far, is good. despite the growing bulk of readings and cases that are being assigned to us by our professors each day. i really don't have much to say about it as of the moment. since i haven't got that many friends and experiences yet: aside from the fact that i pretty much spent most of my time either at work, commuting or at home.
on the other hand, work is pretty muck okay as well. probably, i am still enjoying it because i am still having the hang of actually doing something productive out from being a bum for more than two months last summer. so don't be surprised if two months from now, you'll see rants filling up my pages regarding work. but as of the moment i just try enjoying it as much as i can. especially with the fact that i was checking out a fellow newbie in the office. but it didn't take me that long to withdraw my interest.
A is your typical head turner. surprisingly, i am beginning to learn the taste of the like. A was the first person i met in the office. we became instant friends when we decided to sit beside one another. like the usual, it was pure silence at first. but eventually it proceeded into a conversation. then having lunch together and even accompanying me while i am smoking. nonetheless, the thing that struck me was when one of our immediate supervisor during that moment, that A will actually be one of my boss. sometimes it is really nice to know that there are good effects from being friendly.
as days passed by, i have learned so many things about A: has a daughter, has a partner from which they are just casual with one another and being one heck of a party animal. but don't get me wrong. there are no negative impressions about A being such. its just surprising for me to know that such a silent person could actually be such: that's down right broken stereotyping for you, ewik!
but wait... its not really these things that got my attention. as usual, it was one of our conversations that did. it was with this one time, out from nowhere A told me,
"personally, i don't believe in marriage. i am too young for that."
it took me quite sometime before i could even react with a lame, "oooohhhh...." finally, a more sensible topic that i could relate: regaining itself out of the tiring topic of "where to eat?," jollijeep etc.
A added that, "life is short to waste for a commitment that is binded by mere paper: that the best thing that you could do while you are young is to meet other people and enjoy each other's company---intimately, o di ba?! hahaha"
everything was actually going fine. considering that i am already getting and definitely can relate to the thoughts A beagn saying. for it is actually quite rare for one to meet someone with the same sentiment that you have in this lifetime. but everything crumbled down after the last line A said and left me still believing the rarity of such.


while i was riding a cab on my way to school, after work, i just realized so many things out from what happened.

in this time, it is a given fact that probably 7 out of the 10 people (between early adults to adults) you have encountered a minute ago, are no longer virgins. our perception of it are already anchored not only within the field of morality or mores. but also along the fact that modernity (through media, literature or what have you) have incorporated into us that there are so many other factors that reflects one's personality other than his/her virginity or sexualy activity. thus, it bears no great weight today than how it was before. atleast, in a metropolitan context.
nonetheless, like any other theories, facts or laws, there are always exemptions from these. regardless of how radical one's ideas or thoughts can be, there are still things that we need to consider and abide to achieve order, serenity and peace to oneself and to others: we all still need balance.
life doesn't revolve around sex neither good things in life only happens when you are having fun. we may plunge ourselves into a pool of it. but don't let yourselves drowned into it and probably the rest is up to you to ponder yourself.