pangamba ng pag-iisa

ni nestor de guzman

paano sasagutin
ang pangamba ng iba
sa aking pag-iisa?
kung malalaman lang
ang di-lantad kong buhay.
nakalima nang asawa;
ngayo'y limang ulit nang separada.
di kabilang ang nakasintahan
nang kung ilang oras, araw, linggo.
sinamba na't kinahumalingan;
itinuring na ring basahan,
laruan, kasangkapan.
Naging maybahay, kalaguyo't puta.
Ilan nang giliw at muhi,
luwalhati't lumbay
ang isinilang at inaruga.
Kung nag-iisa man ngayon
ay dahil alam na,
at tanggap,
ang uubra't di uubra.
At di na kailangan ng isa
para maramdaman
ang kagandahan ng sarili,
ang kabuuan ng pagkatao,
ang kabuluhan ng buhay.
Kung malalaman lang
kung gaano kakulay
sa dilim at kasukalang nilandas
sa pag-unawa ng pag-iisa.
Ang mahalaga,
natutong magmahal,
nagmamahal ako
at magmamahal.
Ito ang katuturan,
kahit nag-iisa.


note:

that day, after finishing this book, i said loneliness goodbye.

Galing Cine Cafe
Nestor De Guzman
Lambana Press, Quezon City

and i am not even 25

when i decided to take social sciences, i never really considered what will i become after graduating. it didn't occur to me if i wanted to be a lawyer, an artist, a teacher, an ambassador or a corporate person. i never thought if this degree will promise me a house, a car or a business of my own. basically, what mattered that day was just to follow what other people and i say, to pursue what i love. and so i did.

while i was in college, i was able to nourish my talents and acquired some other skills that i didn't even know i have. i was able to develop my passion in visual arts and also discovered my caliber both in writing and theater works.

despite the academic loads and extra curricular responsibilities, i can actually say that i really had the time of my life, for each day gave me a sense of fulfillment before i went to sleep. i even remember telling myself that i couldn't wait to continue this in a larger picture, outside college.

so after four years of cultivating the soil of my interests, packed with confidence knowing i have all that it takes (or i thought i was), not to mention that i came from one of the prestigous universities in the country, i decided to go back to the lowlands to practice what i finished.

source

here, i saw myself holding a copy of my three page resume stating all my accomplishments while standing along the busy side walk of ayala avenue. but unlike some fellow graduates that day, i was pretty much confused of where to go: first, for i am not familiar with manila and second, because i just don't know where to try my luck.

so i decided to go online to check for any job openings. i signed up and filled all the necessary information required. by the time i hit submit, the website gave me a list of job openings associated with my references. there were in the fields of education, human resources and call centers. yes, call centers. at first, i never really understood how my degree is associated with the BPO industry. so i crossed it out from my options and went ahead with the first two fields. i even tried advertising and marketing just to have more chances of getting hired; that basically means, more options of which job contract to sign. see, i was really that optimistic before.

one by one, i patiently click every job positions in the list. i thoroughly read the company information, nature of the position and most importantly, the requirements. but as i move from one page to another, i realized that after opening probably a hundred job positions, only a good quarter of it, was i able to send my application. and out of those, only one or two replied back. now, i consider myself lucky if i get three.

afterwards, you'll undergo mindwrecking screening processes, endless interviews, and exhausting long waits, just to know, that you weren't able to make it. tattered and frustrated, you finally realized that you just ended up on the same option that you've actually crossed out--- being a call center agent.

i've worked as a technical support agent for almost three years. ofcourse, the pay and benefits were good. incentives were simply exceptional and i can say that i've learned so much about the corporate operations because of it. aside from these, i was able to send myself in pursuing another degree, buy things i always wanted, go to places i've never been and ofcourse, pay my rent and other dues. basically, i was terrifically starting a life of my own.and eventhough my degree is no way related to my profession, suprisingly, i was considered among one of the outstanding agents of our account.

but despite all of these, i was always the quiet one at work, contrary to who i really am outside. sitting away from other agents, never befriended any coworkers and turned down a number of promotions. for the simple reason, i just don't see myself here, not because i have something against it, but because it was different from what i picture my life will be after college; dynamic, free spirited and fulfilling.

well, i guess life doesn't really give what you want. but still, i chose to pursue it.

i thought, it would be easier for me to move out if i don't have any friends from work. however, it didn't occur to me, that this was not the only reason that would stop me from resigning. it also included giving up the lifestyle i have already adjusted myself into. that is why it actually took me almost three years before i could actually file my resignation. i call it, my complete detachment from taking calls and graveyard shifts.

now, i am free. six months and counting. financially broke, stuck at my room, eternally waiting for my pending applications, but humanistically happy.

but sometimes, especially during my lows, i can't help to catch myself, still wondering and asking: did i actually make a wrong decision of following what i want? if i aspired to much than i should have been? or if i should need to drop everything i was before and face the harsh reality ahead of me, for this is no longer college, that this is actually what life really is?

nevertheless, whatever the answers maybe, i chose to believe that i'll have my own share of life someday and that what really matters is that i took the risk of opting to be happy.

moving out from betweens: an open letter

k,

between love and goodbye

i wont be living in the middle this time

between love and goodbye

i got a heart of gold you'll never find

- kyle, between love and goodbye

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

relationships are always a mutual thing. you don't stay because of pity nor leave out of your own whims. its not even a matter of responsibilities nor obligations. for in the real world, people will never meet in the middle.

yes, there are sacrifices and compromises. but what matter most is our sensitivity to each other's needs as partners. because all of us have different levels of how much to give and how much to take. but sometimes, with the absence of sentiency, we reach to a point where we are already exhausted and that there is no longer other way but to end it and move on.

i remember a friend, who once told me, "before helping others, we should think of ourselves first." and being the social activist me, my immediate reaction was how selfish of her to think of such thing, considering the fact, that we, both, are studying in a state university, where people are actually paying for our degree. that if people have the same mindset like her, then probably we are indeed living in a world full of apathetic and self-centered morons.

but when the time came when i was set into the same situation, then that was the time i have realized what she truly meant.

we could never give what we don't have nor we've already lost. sometimes there are things better ended than giving room for hopeless chances.

for there are no remedies for broken trust, even love for that matter. we can only patch what is left for it will never be restored back. and thats the time we skip the page where happy endings happen and face what reality is really all about.

but making a decision is just half of the whole picture. for holding to that decision is more difficult than the prior leap.

when freedom is achieved, expect that someone will try to tag it away from you. it will either be the person whom you got it from, a person outside where both of you came from or for most unnoticed cases, it can even be yourself.

being single after a burning out relationship can be a breath of fresh air. but too much of it can also leave you drowning.

the moment we say our farewells, we start exploring and appreciating things that we didn't have the chance doing before. but at the same time, it also make us lose our focus towards our real reasons and intentions why we are moving away from them--- that is to grow, atleast, as an individual.

eventually, we meet people along the way. people we failed to notice before. people that would make us see and feel a brand new us. but don't let your guard down just yet. don't ever allow your heart to jump into another person unprepared again. as cliche as this may sound, learn from experience. i know its difficult and painful, but hey, who said love is all about saying i love yous?

perhaps, above everything else, don't ever expect an easy parting ways from your former partner. there will always be moments, where you will see him crying, crying his heart and sanity out. pridelessly begging you to come back, asking for reconciliation whatever it takes, sometimes and worst, even his life. expect memories to come rushing in, old pictures of both of you having the time of your lives, as if their priceless and something you can only experience from him.

truly, there are feelings that you can exclusively experience from certain people alone. but who said that life stops there? there are so much ahead of you, so better start packing and moving your things out from his place and finally embrace your true self, before it actually leave you first.

lastly, i am not closing the possibility that you'll come back again. probably because its indeed worthy of giving another chance. but if ever that will happen, always remember, love not because you feel pity for the man. love because there is indeed that feeling in you craving to have him back, that will make you love yourself even more.

i know, this letter is beginning to be preachy, lengthy and all. but i just thought of writing you a letter to give you angles you may misst, especially at times like this, where everything can be quite blurry and confusing. but whatever decision you'll make, always remember, you will always have a warm embrace in me. so don't ever be scared in taking that risk--- that decision.

all for the best,

ewik