last year, K broke up with her boyfriend for five years. it was something really unexpected after everything she has been through with him. basically, during the time that they've been together, there were countless incidence of infidelity that it even reach to a point that the guy had a child from another woman. not to mention his pending criminal case. but k fought for their relationship despite her family and friends advises of leaving him. the guy was one lucky ass. until one day K called it quits. she packed her things up and left the apartment without any clear reasons or whatsoever. the guy was dumbfounded. we were also surprised. it was something he didn't really expect. thus, the guy asked for an explanation. he tried various means just to talk to K. he waited from morning to night infront of her office. he chased and kneeled for K in mendiola after classes. he even resorted to desperate measures of threatening K in exposing their private moments and even him commiting suicide.
but K stood firm with her decision. K realized that it was about time for her to move on and find her own sense of happiness: a type of it that is not chained from what her exbf's definition of it. thus, she ventured through the life of singleness again after 10 years. yes, she started young. eventually, K met this guy. though not as handsome, smart and gifted as his ex, she fell for his sweetness and thoughtfulness. she bragged the times when the guy would pick her up everyday after work. when he would bring her to fancy and romantic restaurants and even that time when he voluntereed to drive K to baguio for a night then went back by dawn. inshort, she was in between the brink of really feeling something genuine and a possible rebound.
but when she was about to risk everything, K then found out that the guy is actually committed to another girl for more than six years now. yes, six years! it also bothered us why K keeps on attracting these kinds of complications. and knowing how smart K was, it was her weakest part she have used again--- her heart. she told us she still wanted to take the risk. thinking probably the guy would change his mind: that him being that thoughtful was a sign that hes really considering their possibilities. and again, i heard that excuse: "Pag mahal mo ang isang tao, lagi mo s’yang bibigyan ng lusot sa mga kagaguhang ginagawa n’ya sa’yo..." i admit, i almost killed her upon hearing her argument.
but after countless nights, we have finally convinced her to drop the asshole. but we didn't expect the depression she experienced afterwards that led to a more depressing event: K almost asked his ex for a reconciliation.
ISSUE: is it fair for expartners to reconcile out of depression or mere loneliness? is it even just to consider your ex as your 'waiting back up plan' just in case all else fail? is it even possible for another chance, sprung by desperation, to produce a more successful relationship?
HELD: no. one's ex should never be an option out of a frustration, depression or even desperation. its as stupid as marrying someone you've impregnated or voting someone living behind another person's shadow.
i always believe that the human mind tends to drown us with endless possibilites, depending on where we want to lead them and in most cases, we always choose the easiest way/s, without even thinking its consequences or outcomes.
in this case, frustration, depression and even desperation can be viewed as the key players in every single person's hunt for a partner. regardless, how we avoid them, they would always keep on finding ways to meet us in that crossroad and its a matter of outwitting them. not necessarily eradicating these from the formula, which i think is impossible, rather using these for your own advantage.
lastly, no one can really claim that finding that someone is easy but i guess its actually how and the experience of finding their someones are the things that really counts.
*i wonder what the other ponentes can say about this?
the other night, i suddenly woke up in the middle of my sleep, catching my breath and unable to move.
"this is familiar," i silently told myself, "i am having a bad dream again."
i tried recalling what it was. grabbing the chance while its still fresh. you see, i have a theory that dreams, mine in particular, only last for a couple of minutes.
so i dived in and there it was, just about to vanish.it was a man with a familiar face. probably in his late 50s. he was knocking on my room's door. it was just when i opened it that i remembered who it was. but before i could even name him, he aggressively tapped his right hand on my door and pushed it with all his might. of course, the initial reaction was to push it back too. but despite his frail physique, i found it hard to close it.
then i saw myself opening the windows and jumping from our neighbor's roof. i could still hear him calling my name and laughing. when i looked back, he was already at my back, chasing me. i don't really know why? actually, i really didn't bother asking myself about it. it was as if i knew what his intentions were, despite the fact its almost impossible. then i reached a dead end and the only way was to jump down the ground, probably around ten foot high, that will lead to the main street of katipunan.
i knew it was just a dream for everything seems to be surreal. but just like any dream, i just can't stop myself from believing it was real. so i made the jump. then i felt that slow mo fall that usually leads to that sudden jerk. and there it was, my leg just involuntarily made a kick and i guess it was that kick that woke me up.
i tried moving my smallest finger toe. i remember my grandma told us when we were little, to always try moving that finger toe when we find it hard to move after waking up from a bad dream, and just like that night, it usually works.
i reached my phone. it reads 4:25 am. still early to rise and still dark outside. but i suddenly felt an undescribable thirst scratching my throat. it was as if i forgot how water taste and felt like. so i went downstairs to fetch a glass.
the sala was still dark and the only thing that illuminated the place was the sheer light coming from outside. gently, i carried my feet as i picture where the water dispenser was, in my head. when all of a sudden, a large shadow appeared from the dark. i almost throw my heart out.
then the light turned on. it was my land lord, who just came out from the john.
"why are you already up this early?" he asked.
"kukuha lang po sana ng isang basong tubig." i answered.
he walked straight to the fridge and hand me a bottle of cold water.
"ayan. kunin mo na yan. ibalik mo na lang mamaya."
i smiled as i reached for it. then quickly ran upstairs, closed and locked my door with my heart heavily pounding.
it was then that i have realized that my landlord was the man in the nightmare.
Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal Nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan Sa mga malabo ang paningin.
Mangyari lamang na tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi Nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan Habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad Na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.
Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal Nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli Ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto't diwata.
Mangyari lamang na tumayo ang nagmahal, minahal at iniwan Ngunit handa pa ring magmahal Nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan Nang maging makahulugan ang paghagulgol sa dilim.
At sa mga nananatiling nakaupo Mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis Palabas sa nakangangang pinto Umuwi na kayo! At sumbatan ang mga magulang Na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw.
At sa lahat ng mga naiwang nakatayo Mangyari lamang na hagkan ang isa’t isa At yakapin ang mga sugatan Mabuhay tayong lahat Na nagsisikap makabalik sa ating pinagmulan Manatiling masaya at higit sa lahat Magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.
*walks out . then burn the entire building down. hahaha. ang bitter lang!
(i just can't stand writing rant entries day by day. so i decided to gather them up and post them in a single bulk.)
i don't really remember when was the first time i decided to shut myself from thinking of all the things that happened and happening to me for the past months. all i could remember was waking up one morning, being bombarded by what seemed to be a never ending thoughts of problems, dilemnas, and pressures and saw myself just walking pass right at it as if they're just mirages and i didn't really care. perhaps, i am just too tired of thinking; too tired of rants. and as an immediate reaction, my form of self preservation, i just had to pull down that lever--- again.
the last thing i remember was i used to be this inquisitive kid, who kept on asking more than what he could digest. sometimes playful but most of time observant. nonetheless, always believed in the magic of listening. but then he got tired like anyone or anything else. he realized that there are just certain universe that cannot be moved from their orbits and stars that cannot be stopped from falling. so he stopped despite the frustration on his right and desparation on the other. but i know he is still trying. struggling to be hopeful and at the same time learning the boundaries of being realistic and whimsical.
life to him by far, simply became a bitter sweet concoction of career turmoils, romantic turbulences and personal meltdowns, to the point it already numbed his soul despite his body reactions. hes been drugged to learn that at the end, no one would really attempt nor exert more efforts to tumbled down that fortress.
thus, his last resort was just carelessly diving in and moving with the tide, trying to accept wherever it may lead him. i guess its time for him to face his own clutter