Monday, December 27, 2010

the nameless

there was a voice from the dark. but never did imagined that it could be the most heartwarming thing i would received this year.

it was already 7:40pm when we landed manila. upon entering the arrival, i instantly turned on my phone and received a message from the other team saying that their flight was cancelled due to bad weather. i was surprised to read it considering that our flight was just an hour ahead of them and the trip was relatively okay. but unfortunately, they were forced to take a 12 hour bus trip going back here just to catch christmas.

our service took us directly to the office to unload some equipment we brought for our trip, when suddenly i noticed the box of christmas gifts for our kris kringle. i immediately looked and dug for mine and in my surprise, saw three gifts under my codename. but what really caught my attention was two of the gifts that were placed inside a transparent plastic bag: they were DOLLS!

what am i supposed to do with these? i asked myself.

frustration immediately rushed to my head and felt really bad about the idea.

first, i am not really fond of dolls. second, the rule of the exchange gift was to give something that is applicable to both men and women since codenames were used. third, the dolls are not even barbie or made out of clean and hard material. they resemble a lot to those cheap dolls being sold in the public market. and lastly, the gift contains not only one but two annoyingly looking dolls.

what a waste of money, i thought.

but after a while, i realized that instead of ranting, i should still be grateful for the very thought and effort. i guess, i was just really tired that night.

so i went out and decided to take a bus on my way home to call it a week.

if only i knew that that night was actually the start of the christmas rush i should have just took a cab.

you see, it takes me atleast an hour and half to go to work from my place. but it takes one more hour whenever i go back home. but that night was just crazy. the traffic jam was beyond words. all i could hear was my mouth cursing and my thoughts backing up acting as a chorale.

three hours after, we found ourselves approaching farmers, cubao, at last, when suddenly, the bus turned left and went straight to cubao ilalim. and i was, SHUT UP!!! this bus was supposed to be IBABAW!

sorry but we could no longer afford a traffic like that. you could just probably go down at five star terminal, the conductor excused.

it was definitely one hell of a night.

but instead of taking the advise, i decided to go down kamias and just take a cab from there going to katipunan.

when i thought i just had all the nastiest misfortunes i could possibly have that night, i then realized that i was already stupidly waiving almost every car passing, regardless if its a cab or not, for more than 45 minutes. i already felt that i am on the verge of screaming, asking fate what was that all about. when suddenly, a slipper softly hit my foot.

i looked for its source and then saw a kid. a young boy standing on a crutch and missing his left leg. he swiftly approached me, kicked the slipper away and continued kicking it.

he never lay a glimpse at me. he just continued kicking it from one side to the other, completing a laps he probably call his game. then i noticed him stopped under a dark waiting shed. an image of a wooden cart, about to give up; a mother lying down, surrendering from tiredness and bearing the cold and dusty street floor; and a younger sister enjoying her innocence appeared from the dark.

the image of them made me thought of their own picture of christmas, an unconventional one. or probably, just simply different from what i call mine. when all this time, i always think of christmas as a time full of warm lights, a festivity of bountiful dinner served on a nice wooden table and everyone smiling and happily passing each plate to one another, there they were just trying to survive.

one side of me is asking, how can someone still possibly find the place to make children? what were they thinking? if they can barely have something to feed themselves, why did they still opt in pulling out another and adding it up to their burden? perhaps, everyone has the right to build their own family to at least feel that sense of belonginess and essence of living regardless of class. but don't you think more than one for their condition is just too much and unfair?

but of course that is just one part of me saying.

knowing myself, my thoughts and efforts would always fall and cater to them. though sometimes, there are just those days when i ask myself, are my thoughts and efforts enough? are the efforts of those considered fortunate enough? if the ones they cater keep on refusing cooperation? or perhaps life indeed has his own ways from which man's mind will always fall short to comprehend. but i guess regardless of the answer we will always find life worth living for either from us or from them.

then i slowly approach the younger sister probably barely on her year, i pulled it out from my bag and hand it over to her. it was the doll that i received from the office.

probably by instinct, she just reached it; thinking it was food or money. when she finally realized what it was, she smiled, looked at me and immediately turned her back and went to her lying mother. the older brother then approached them, also curious what it was.

upon realizing what it was for her sister, they all smiled. the brother finally looked at me and said, "salamat po."

never did imagined it could be the most heartwarming thing i would ever received this year and all i could say was:

"merry christmas!"
then i turned my back at them, saw a vacant taxi approaching. waived at it, told the driver where i am heading and went in. as we were fast moving away from them, i looked at them one more time. then pulled out the other doll and looked at it. then thought that i finally had use of this gift: a reminder of all the realizations i had that night---and of the family, who will be spending a different christmas from mine.

Monday, December 20, 2010


i'm 25...

and i recognize the fact that i am at that point of my life, where i thought puberty had already passed just to wake up one day, being swept away by a larger hormonal tide.

i remember what T once told me over those rare coffee table moments that we are beginning to lose lately,

"there will always be those times when you will just realize that your urges will be stronger than your rationals and morals; and there will no other way but to give in. for the smarter you are, the stronger your urge will be."

in a way, his words struck me and from that point, i am always reminded with it every time i go elsewhere.

there will be those nights when the heed needs a response and all i can do is just surrender.
like any first, the fear and anticipation drive anyone insane. not to mention those inner ghosts that would annoyingly nag and constantly remind you. but i guess, there is indeed no clear answer for anyone who only lives among the mirage of his assumptions.

but i never thought, twitter-pat could also be that treacherous.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

two things i relaized today...


last night i dreamed of you--- again

then i suddenly realized that

you will always be the memory

that i will perpetually fall in love with...

until the day the apparition of the prophecy

stands in front of me.


then when breakfast came,

the playful life served me
what it called,

the true love breakfast

you know why?

kasi kahit sabihin ng itlog na

maliit ang longganisa,

sasabihin pa rin ng longganisa

na you complete me,

'di ba?


Monday, December 6, 2010

a time traveler's letter

dear jeff,

honestly, i really dont know how to start this for i am not fond of writing letters like you do. for i know its rare for someone to send you a letter too. not to mention the fact, that this maybe the weirdest letter you will ever received to date.

i know that by this time, you are wondering who i am? how did this letter get to you or how did i know these things?

but as crazy as it may sound, i want you to know that i am YOU--- 11 years from the time you are reading this. in short, im writing you (myself) from the future. but before you go ballistic and hysterical or think that this maybe one of those crazy prick your classmates usually throw at you, i want you to hear me out first.

i know that you are going through a very difficult time right now. i know its difficult because you always keep it by yourself. you always tend to handle it by your own. but i want you to realize that its normal. thats what teacher sandy in your grade 5, T.H.E. class is telling you about--- puberty. you should have listen more to her rather than thinking of what cartoon character you're gonna draw that day.

puberty is tough. its like a snake shedding its skin for the first time. confused and anxious. always thinking of what s/he will become just to realize that at the end of the day s/he is just the same. s/he just grew bigger and wiser in order to survive another day.

i know you have good friends who are always there for you. so never hesitate to open up to them. if in case, anything change and they started moving away, just brush it off. for i am telling you, you will meet more acceptable friends along the way, the ones that will always be there for you through thick and thin.

do not also try to think about things too much. its not that i am telling you to completely shut your system down and move purely by your instincts. you just have to loosen up a little. everyone is entitled to commit mistakes because its on those mistakes that you become a better person. you might have probably be wondering now, what you will be reading after these, but its beyond the point.

you will do a number of stupid things on the days ahead. but by knowing this, never try to stop yourself. i want you to enjoy its superficial and temporary happiness then linger on what it seems to be its endless pain afterwards. i want you to experience all of these for i want you to know that i never regretted a single stupid thing that you have done and will do. because it is on those acts that i became stronger and wiser.

do not let yourself be defined by just one big incident. i want you to remember that despite life being one big incident, its still composed of small (good and bad) incidences and it will always up to you on what small incidences you want to fill it in.

hhmmm.. by this time i know you are already convinced and knowing you, you have probably just skimmed all the things that i've said above and just immediately jump into something about love, right?! hahaha!

im not gonna say that im committed as of the moment because that will be lying. and what is the sense of writing you from the future if i going to lie. but you don't have to worry, you will be fine. you will have a relatively deeper sense of love out from the relationships you will have, which some may neither understand nor appreciate. but this will equip you for your journey to finding that true love. fine! i admit you'll also gonna be a mushy lad in denial. probably because of some friends you'll gonna meet that i think it will be best not mentioning.
you see. its a big crazy world out here, my self. you have no idea. so do not rush, take your time. life may be full of uncertainty but remember that its on those uncertainties that will keep you going-- that will make you strive more. so whenever there will be days that you feel empty and lonely, just sketch what you feel and always remind yourself with these things i told you.

and NO! i am not gonna say how many partners you'll have. you have to find it out by yourself. hahahaha!

sex is not the only thing that you should look forward to when you reach your legal age. besides, you will lose your virginity even before you hit 18. alright, i think im saying too much now.

im sorry for being straight forward but i bet you will also be surprised on how i manage to get here--- being me now. and don't worry about your morals. there are still intact. im taking good care of it, at least from the last time i checked. but just in case, if this letter somehow moved you, please, remind yourself that your "future you," was also a bit late in accepting the fact, that he also has to loosen up and realize that setting his pride aside can also do him good sometimes. and that he should also realize that he should stop fighting himself; that somewhere in one's life, regardless how wise one claims to be, his/her libido will always be smarter in overcoming his/her rational. its just a matter of how you own such responsibility.

nonetheless, please remember that regardless how depressing life maybe, sometimes, never chase for happiness. try lessening your expectations. so you will never get frustrated. try embracing contentment but always challenge yourself with everything that you do. life is so short for regrets and depression. just enjoy riding the tide but at the same time, be wise in deciding where to start and stop. never limit yourself and always keep an open mind. try to talk more especially to those whose voice are unheard because its in their life stories where the real gems are.
4 years from today, you will be opening up a blog. yes, a blog. an online journal, where you will try to collate all your thoughts in english. do i have to repeat that again? hahaha!

so do not be scared on venturing to another skill other than sketching. you will learn a lot of things there and know a number of friends that will mold the person who is telling you all of these right now.

your future self,


*right! somewhere after graduating highschool you will then decide to live with your second name as a sign of a fresh start. again, best of luck!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

before 2010 ends...

last year, i have decided to come up with a list of things i wanted to do before 2009 ends. and now, lo and behold, its already december 2010 and i still haven't crossed them all out.

so before i come up with another set for next year, here are some that im catching up in my life list.

go back to the gym (april 2010)
i did my best but i guess my best wasn't good enough.
yun na lang masasabi ko! nyahaha!

make or star a shortfilm (march 2010)
in one of my former film classes,
we were required to mount a short film/mtv
with the use of montage.
unfortunately, hindi pwede ipost dito as requested by the talent. hulaan niyo na lang kung bakit... yung sex scene namin, given na yun! joke! HAHAHAHAHA!
create a love potion- my own alcohol mix (june 2010)
go figure kung ano ang name... hehehe!
fill a jar of coins and give it to charity (july 2010)
been trying to save up some spare coins from the alms that i am getting.
there were times when i'm tempted to break it open or steal some from it.
but the feeling of being generous for charity always overpowers me.
i just hope when i fill this up, it will be for the best use.

be published on a book (september 2010)
the story and concept was not mine.
but the illustrations were fruits of my own hands
and imagination.

for privacy purposes,
i will not be disclosing the title of the said book.

sagada (october 2010)
awesome food trip: must try are yogurt house and lemon pie house!!!
sumaging cave and the hanging coffins
beach (september 2010) : Costa Bella Resort, Cebu
it was not exactly the way it looked from the internet and its pretty way out from my budget. not to mention, its not also friendly for someone who does not drive. but the feeling of just dipping in cold sea water and the relaxing cool sea breeze makes all the trouble worth it.

sleep all day (november 2010)
never fond of sleeping really.
always feel like there so many things pass by when you are asleep
but that day i made an exception.
brewed happy thoughts and continued it in my dreams.

dinner with the first (november 2010)
last week, i received a message from an unknown number. little did i know that it was from the first, telling me first is in the country and inviting me for dinner.
we met in moa, a place i rarely go to. since the first just came from abroad, i took the initiative of thinking where to dine. i thought of my favorite dining place. but when i was about to text it, the first called and said, lets meet in yakimixx. well, the thought made me smile. never really change after all.
yihihihi! ayan, pwede na magmove on for 2011! bring it on!

life list 2009:

enchanted kingdom/ birthday party
full body spa
ocean park
isdaan gerona, tarlac

in this list:
make or star a short film
be published on a book
fill a jar of coins and give it to charity
create a love potion (my own mix of alcohol)
sleep the whole day
have dinner with my first love

carried on for 2011:

go to the zoo
lipat bahay
go back to the gym
open a savings account
bachelor's ref
out of the country trip
zero balance credit card
open a savings account
bachelor's ref
out of the country trip
buy mum washing machine, aircon and microwave
establish a stable business
have a pictorial
quit smoking
scuba diving
learn a new sport
join a rally
have an exhibit
change someone's life