Tuesday, June 29, 2010


he felt the weight as it pressed the bed on his side. still catching his breath, he looked at the face in front. it felt as if he was staring at all the things that had completely forgotten him.
for a moment, he became a stranger to his own self. it felt like his soul was residing inside a different body. then he recalled the things he had to do that day, yesterday, tomorrow and the even the day next to it. he tried making things he can blame, but then it was already too late.
he tried picturing himself as he stared above the blank and dark ceiling. it was easier for him to outline the images in his mind. the curves on his side. the running bulges along his stomach.
how he swayed to each beat of every night and how he heed to his every drive,
he remember how he used to surprise himself and how they call him the rock.
the impression spread like a tasty rumor and how it made him an instant celebrity, to a niche he began calling as his own. but if there is one thing that he wasn't able to impress, it was time.
for him, time is like a bitter lover, who betrayed him behind his back. it came out of nowhere and never really thought it was coming.
he just woke up one day, feeling a bit tired, literally and physically. until its bits started to compile like sediments that began rising, building a dam that separated him for the world he used to own.
suddenly, his responsibilities started following, he got acquainted with different forms of fulfillment. but he believed that nothing really beat that drive, those memories and impressions. he do not recall turning over something. so technically, he is still reigning.
nonetheless, he noticed something different in his preferences. unlike before, he never really put age as one of his qualifications. perhaps, he already made it with all the old ones and now he sees the younger or fresher ones more challenging. or probably, this was his sign that he is already "maturing."
but at the back of his head, he was bothered about something. he didn't know if it was the milk or the vitamins they took that was different; or there was something along their growing up that made them a bit aggressive and boost their endurances by a mile notch. he is starting to feel the difficulty of catching up.
until finally, the call for settling down already knocked his door. for the tunnel of uncertaibty is already appearing in his horizon.
fortunately enough, his innate looks and charisma were still enough to bait him someone.
but he admits it was not easy, he never really saw himself as the partners he used to go out with on certain moments of his life. it was just then that he have realized that all the pampering and spoiling were not mere acts of desperation to keep someone, rather they were gestures or material reminders that he was, for the first time, sincere of showing his real emotions and affections.
there were times that friends prohibit him from continuing what he is doing, scaring him of names such as sugar daddy, dirty old harry and sometimes even a male cougar. but how can he stop himself from expressing something so genuine?
its just ironic how people keeps on telling him to be more open to his feelings and be more sincere in handling his relationships before, and then prohibits him now when he finally followed their advises.
he admits there is truth on the issue of compensating, especially when its your body and mind thatraise the white flag down there.
but he guess, its something more understandable when people reach where he is at this moment.

now, he looks at that stick of cigarette on the other side of the bed. balancing between the legs of a transparent ash tray. he always wondered what it really taste like. but he guessed it was already too late to even know it. nonetheless, at this point of his life, he figured, there is no longer any room for regrets.

or is it?

*written under a rainy midnight and over three cups of earl grey.

Friday, June 25, 2010

deeper mark

it was that night,
when i thought that the silence
between us will be clearer
but when you stood up from bed the next day,
without looking back,
i then realized that it was still a dream
i kept on believing

the picture was clearer
than any of the illusions,
of any dreams that i ever had

my arms at the back of your head
while my right hand on your proud chest,
my cheek hiding on your strong back
as my lips were stealing chances

then i suddenly felt your grip
stronger than i ever thought it could be
it guided my arms and slip on the widest of your body
as it began to beg for warmth

if only it could leave a mark on my arm
so that i could prove to you that,
in the most vulnerable moment of your life,
you held on me
during your darkest and most fearful hours,
i was there

but by the time the sun rises,
the most selfish part of me ends.
you'll lit a cigarette,
dressed up and left the room

no words,
no gestures,
no goodbyes

the way it has always been

all that you had left of me,

a deeper and hidden mark
that means nothing to you
but everything for me

if only you could see that mark.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the word

i guess its the irony of the word.

its a perpetual reminder, to always celebrate your life in the most fabulous and happiest way possible. despite the social disadvantages, uncertainties and loneliness at the end of each day.

an answer for a question a jolly friend sent via sms.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

nostalgia and dejavu

for you, patience has always been beyond your pace. when you realizedthat time has always been everyone's greatest enemy and noticed thateverything flies faster than it used to be.
you decided to hit the mall after work. hoping you will forget. the place has always been the perfect escape. the haven of everything you've dreamed of. but regradless, how many you have bought and got. perhaps, contentment is just so sly nowadays.
suddenly your cellphone rung. then you thought people are bit more excitedthan you are.
but you were surprised to see his name. the image of a familiar face and memory you have least expected rushed in.
"hey, whats up?"
it was your trained and canned civil voice. the tone you always use before every beginnings and after every goodbyes.
"hey. saw you around the area. do you have any plans tonight? just thoughtof inviting you over for dinner."
you look infront, on your sides and behind. its been a while since you last felt this for someone.
"heard of this diner downntown. do you want to try it? i can pick you up in east wing's entrace?"
you know, you should have hesitated for the voices inside your head were telling you that it was the right thing to do. but the answer just came out spontaneously. it was already too late or was it?
"alright! see you there after 10 minutes."
he was still punctual as before. while you were looking how his car slowly approaches you. it was a concoction of nostalgia and de javu.
you noticed your hand shivering as it reaches for the knob and the scentinside brought out memories you have long tried forgetting. and now youwere finally sitting beside him. he has the same clear face that resonates his wide smile. the same image you fell inlove with a couple of yearsback.
it was as if you were meeting him again for the first time.
in the diner, both of you were enjoying the great food. you felt a bit weird on how spontaneous and care free the conversation was going. you can talk about almost anything except for that.
his phone suddenly rang. he immediately answered it. you can't help yourself from evesdropping. the tone of his voice was familiar. it was sweet to the ears and melts the chest.
you cannot help to tell yourselfthat you missed it--- coming from his lips.the thing you were wanting but trying to avoid was affirmed. he already has a partner. the picture of that someone bothered you. questions rushed in. hundreds and even thousands in a split minute of justpretending you were not listening.
he came back to you as you wished you were the same person he was talking to."just having dinner.
i'll call you when i reach home."
then you recalled, you used to love those lines. it reminded you how he hates making you worried. how he makes you special.
then he ended the call and looked at you with the same familiar smile.
"so i guess, you already have a partner too?"
you were caught off guard with the question. though you know the answer was as simple as yes but you still hesitated. probably because of the hope that you can still be together.
but you know it would be unfair for the both of you. thus, you chose to be honest. he gave you a brief smile then looked at his plate and took a spoonful of the steak he ordered. the you looked at yours and played with the side dish of your salmon. it was one of those expected but ackward silence.
after your hearty meal, he insisted in paying for the dinner. it seemed like he did not really changed. but the same gesture made you question the decision you made a couple of years back. what happened? what were you thinking?
surprisingly, all the reasons have been forgotten. all the feelings and angst have faded. but it left you questioning--- regretting.he asked you, where you want to be dropped off. but instead of answering your place, you opt in going to cubao instead. i guess its just too hurtful for you to end it in your place alone again.
but then you realize, seeing him driving away from you, is more torturing than you thought it would be. and walking alone towards an unclear destination made it far worst.how come he did not remember?you then pull you phone from your pocket and made a call.
the next thing i knew, my phone was already ringing and showed your name. i picked it up and answered.
can you meet me tonight? i am here in cubao, a bit disturbed and alone.
i immediately saw you when i opened the cafe door. a bit different from what i have expected. i felt the weight of your chest in each step i made. your short smile greeted me with your turmoil.

then i warmly greeted him,"HAPPY BIRTHDAY T!!!"

"buti ka pa naalala mo."