Tuesday, November 22, 2011

when L came

we all heard of rape. the most common being experienced by women. we also have heard and read about rape among men. the most controversial being among prisoners and POWs. in fact, someone reading this may also be a victim of rape one way or another.

a couple of weeks ago, i received an email from a friend who i have not heard for ages.

it was L and he came out to me on his message.

although the confession was not a surprised. i emailed him back, telling him what i felt. i was happy and proud of what he did. after sometime my phone rung. it was L.

i answered it and heard a trembling voice.

"i haven't told my family yet."
"don't worry it takes time. someday you'll just gain that courage to tell them. and everything will be just fine."

"i just wish its easier said than done, ewik. but honestly, i don't think i will ever have that courage because if i did, i should have already used it to tell it to my family by now.


i already reached my quota in disappointing my parents. and i really could not take seeing them getting frustrated again."

then L broke down.

it was the most torturing sound ive ever heard. a dying struggle between someone who is trying to be strong but at the same time on the verge of surrendering. it was just too much to bear.

"whats the problem," i asked.

"i just wish i can overcome all these. im trying to be strong, ewik. i really am."

it was just then when L told me everything.

several months after L's break up, he never really thought he can still go by loving someone like his former. he never came out from his place. he cut his communication from almost everyone he knew and cares about him.

but he is an introvert. so his parents never really got bothered about it.

there were times when hope visited L and accompanied him in his attempt to win back his former. but it seemed like promises, like a fruit, also wait for the picking.

the attempt made him at his worst and it took months to recover. almost a year to be a bit precise until a message from a site he started visiting gave him the spark for a new promise of hope, once again.

they started texting and calling. though despite the differences, the hope made it as if it was perfect--- it complimented, to quote him.

they went out several times and within just a couple of weeks it was already obvious-- the other party was already falling. unfortunately, as much as L wants to believe he feels the same way too, he just can't. but he still made himself hold to that promise.

until constant quarrels, unmanageable differences and demands grew beyond its intended limits, the flame of hope in L eventually died again. however, when he was about to tell that its over, the other party would not just let go.

passion eventually turned into obsession and sweet words became disturbing threats. the guy threatened L that he will expose him to his family, once he broke up with him. what made everything worst was the guy's obsession brought him to L's place, to his parents, family and loved ones--- in short to his life. L was caught off guard. he never thought, not even in his wildest imagination that he will be in that position.

L being an introvert never really had a lot of friends. hence, he never really had the opportunity to enjoy what he really is and what he can be. several negotiation followed but the obsession was way irrational from what he thought it was. there were attempts to plead but he guessed, at this point it was already hopeless.

honestly, it was really difficult for me to hear what he was narrating. i was mad and at the same time, weeping inside. every word was an indescribable agony. i suggested a number of things that i can do. but he refused. L just wanted the guy to get tired and eventually drop him despite the fact that he knows it will not happen anytime soon.

believed that it was everything, i asked him if we could meet the following saturday. but he refused. he told me that he is forced to visit and stay with the guy until the following morning, sunday. the idea of him just staying the night made me sick. eventually, he admitted. he is also forced to do it with him.

i tried not to think he was L, that he was a complete stranger who just wanted someone to listen at him. i tried imagining that he was just another random blogger who was trying to tell his experience. but regardless how i put it, it still felt awful.

"ewik, i have to go now. i am running out of credits and i cannot really afford of losing it. he always get mad whenever it happens. sorry, i am just scared."
i wanted to hug him; show him that he always have a friend who can always be there if he needs one. i wanted to help him with the best effort i can. unfortunately, all i can do and say during that time were:

"goodbye and always take care."