Saturday, June 30, 2007


by request: geno
up to what extent are you willing to take a dare?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

film spoiler: silip

(for the sake of posting something)

the other day, i've met a couple of dating friends while passing gateway on my way home. they've snatched me to the next nearby mall to watch the movie, silip directed by joel lamangan. since the said film was not shown in gateway. despite the exhaustion and sleepiness i kept on struggling against with, i joined them just to stand with my kaladkarin reputation.

aside from the fact that most of the people i knew wanted to watch the film as well, i was also intrigued by the movie as it was the only r-18 film that was allowed by sm to be shown among its cinema after it put a r-18 ban early last year (i think). probably there was something innovatively and aestheticaly wonderful about it, i thought.

the cinema fee was only P90 only. cheaper than the cinema fee of gateway but far too expensive from our provincial cinema which was only p30, may kadobol pa'ng bold (as quoted by a close friend).

there were only a number of people inside the cinema house mostly are couples and i just don't want to dwell on that anymore. after the movie, the only thing i've said to my friends was, " what a waste of 90 pesos!"

why?3 reasons.

first, both actresses, diana zubiri and franscine prieto always had the same, very monotonous acting attacks for all of their roles, that would basically include this film. they always have the exaggerated naive eyes and the over rated flirty lips. in other words, the bold starlet-like acting attack. it seemed like there were no progress on their acting skills, considering the fact that they have been on this field for quite a while.

second, the story. it was very very very very very very predictable, i could just swear in the name of my ever wonderful discounted air bed that it was 'freakin' (all conotations and denotations included) predictable. even the attempt of creating the 'ununsual' twist was a big boo-boo. it failed to give substance on the story that eventually gave nothing new to the film. bottomline, it is a 1 and half hour of a raw and undeliberated film story concept that was not aesthetically elaborated nor thoroughly put into consideration.

and lastly, the director. this would be the third strike of joel lamangan for making me walk out a cinema house frustrated after watching his film. strike one: zsa zsa zaturnah the movie, in which was first introduced as a local pinoy comic, was directed by him. adding up characters, lame comic punch lines and getting zsazsa padilla as the film heroin were among the factors i consider as the downfall of the film. no wonder tanghalang pilipino mounted it again. strike two: midnight dancer that was tagged as lamangan's coming out film. well, just see it to understand. there are just too many things i have to critic about this film that would make me open another blogsite to write it down. but i must say, this would be in exception to the 'great' cherry pie picache who was able to carry the film out from total wreckness. i could still remember one of her lines: "genius talaga ang umimbento ng tite." that would be put into the rank of the famous lines of philippine cinema like cherry gil's "you're nothing but i second rate, trying hard copy cat" and nora aunor's "my brother is not a pig. ang kapatid ko ay hindi baboy ramo."

and the third strike, will be silip. i just want to rest my case.

on my opinion after consecutively loving him through the films sabel, i love you (i dunno how to spell the japanese words for it, so just to play safe), kadre, death row, laro sa baga, tuhog among others, it seemed like his aestical skills are slowly fading away at the very least. i really don't know what his intentions could be. it could probably be he is just giving some breaks to rising actors and actresses: if this would be his stepping stone in becoming a full pledge porn director or he is just getting too old for these crap! well, nobody knows!

Monday, June 25, 2007

late to death

yesterday, i was late again to work and that's like another 2 hours after my shift. lately, waking up is a struggle. dreams are beginning to be vaguer. the value of rest is deappreciating. while getting sleep is harder to get every night (blame it to my 2am shift that is supposed to be 4am!). the thought of waking up early is overshadowing everything that dreams offer.
its quite odd that i am experiencing this despite academic life being absent from the considerations. anyhow, i still went to work yesterday because the concern with my salary that i will be receiving the next pay day. after rendering 7 unpaid hours and 10 unworked hours (absent), i will be shorter than before.

after my shift, a friend texted me to visit another friend's grand mother who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last january. the visit was supposed to be a week ago but because of some schedule conflict among us, we have postponed it twice. considering the fact that i easily get depressed on such events in life and quite exhausted after my 11 hours work shift, i finally paid them a visit.

the trip was about an hour and a half. we were already on the gate of their subdivision when our friend texted us that her grandmother just passed away. we were nailed outside the tricycle. the driver was actually raising his voice and asked us several times already where are we heading? on that moment, we couldn't think of the name of the street. all we know, it is a currency name. rupee, dollar, dinar... when a lady asked us if is it dinar? after overhearing us about the death of our friend's grandmother. we suddenly realized, it was dinar. so she was also shocked about the new we uttered. so happened taht they were neighbors with our friend.

by the time, we reached our friend's house, you'll feel the ackward silence and gloominess on the place which is very unusual. since their house happens to be our drinking venue everytime we are in manila. memories on this house for me, are filled with laughters and happy stories. it saddened me such memories to crumbled down and see it only a gloomy white stone house.
our friend met us at the gate of their house. the usual glow, we usually greet to one another was no longer there. but i understood or am i really?

i just thought if only i came a little bit early, probably i will still be able to see her grandmother would be.

all she could do was blankly stare and hug us. then pour all of her tears on our shoulders. i really don't know what to do or how to pacify the extreme emotions she was feeling. for the simple reason, that we seldom have these kinds of events together and we failed to prepare for it. for a moment, i felt i lacked for something that friends do for one another. probably, care, empathy, hope, i don't know. it seems like everything was rushing on the top of my head, making it difficult to hit the right approach to do for her. if only i came 5 minutes early. probably, i would still be able to take a glimpse on her grandmother.

when everyone went inside the room to view for the last time our friend's grandmother, i decided to stay in the living room. thinking alone, probably confused. i suddenly noticed on the corner of the room, i saw my friend's grand father staring blankly nowhere and silently assuming nothing big actually happened. as if he finally accepted death to happen to his wife. i admire him for calmness and bravely facing the death of her wife.

after a while, the priest just arrived and made the final ceremony for every catholic on my friend's grand mother. i was still standing and seriously listen to the sermon outside the room. after the ritual each of us was handed a bottle of holy water to sprinkle the body. i was also forced to do it out of respect. eventhough i am really scared to look at a dead body. the last person happened to be my friend's grandfather, still calm. he slowly approached his wife and do her his last favor.

suddenly, the calmness slowly faded and soft sobs were heard. the man was already bursting into tears. i could hear my friend's grand father whisperring while struggling against his sobs," i've told you were going to fight this. i've told you were going to survive together. why did you let go?"

the scene was simply unbearable. struggling with my tears not to fall, my feet carried me into their veranda. i lit my last stick of cigarette staring on a grasshopper on the top of a box that was piled up on the corner until it suddenly flew in the darkness. on that moment, i realized how inevitable death could be. whereas, it is a matter of bravely preparing one's self by the time it would knock on our life: a matter of time not to be wasted and opportunities not to pass away.

i've told myself i will no longer be late for anything again and try cherishing everything that would come. this is not as a promise but more of an action that i will persevere to do. there goes my last hits.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

behind these walls


the other day, i've met some of my friends since i have nothing to do at home. they were former schoolmates in baguio and currently taking up there new course here in manila.
we've decided to meet up in as steps. while waiting, a cluster of people were chatting at the top of their voices. i can conclude they are freshmen at first glance---the enthusiastic and loud voice is already a give away. although quite annoying, you just couldn't stop yourself from eavesdropping. as if they are doing it by intention and really want the whole world to hear the absolute knowledge coming out from their divine throats. i've noticed that these are the usual trends among freshmen especially if you're in u.p: "magaling ako kasi up na ako," the first day college facade crap! although i might sound very subjective but i really observed and already left an impression on me.
anyhow, they are talking about love.
girl1: like, nangingiyak na nga ako last night. kasi parang ngayon lang naman tayo nagkakilala tapos he made an effort na magpakilala. alam mo yun. tapos hindi ko siya tinext. nakakainis.

girl2: ayyy... bakit?wala ka ba'ng load?

girl1: meron. pero wala lang hidni ko rin alam. pero like gustong gusto ko naman talaga.

girl2: so, ano sabi niya? nagtext pa ba?

girl1: wala, pero nag text na ako kaninang umaga. like nag goodmorning din siya.

huwat??? kill me please. kill me! along the conversation, i was thinking that it was actually ages since i talked about something romantic. what does it feel? what do you think? and all those chummy things. i smiled upon reminscing those moments. but upon hearing this conversation, i felt very pathetic not for the feeling but for them both.

haaay...probably its the 300% tuition fee increase.

Friday, June 22, 2007

insecurities and doing one's best 2

if you have happened to watch my previous post entitled: insecurities and doing one's best. this was the result conencted to it.

Paul Potts has won the final of this competition and ins £100,000 and will perform at the Royal Variety Performance.

breakfast will never be the same again

disclaimer: some may find this post really pathetic.

it was the longest time since i cried and i have made it this morning. i woke up 5:30 in the morning, pretty late for my usual wake up time. i turned on my new television care of my dull profession, which i bought it a week ago, after realizing what my dad told me.

"its been a year since you started your job. it's about time you invest something that you can call yours," he exclaimed. (well, i just love depending on you dad. hehehe.)

the side dish: luckily, that pay day, i received quite a large sum as an incentive at work. so i immediately bought myself a television, dvd player, a number of dvds and a pair of rubber shoes (for gym).
after watching and despising wendy bigtime in pinoy big brother, my favorite morning show
breakfast went on air. the entire set was covered with baloons and all of the hosts (jc quadrado, patty laurel and atom araullo) are in their formal attire. there might be something special about this show, different from the rest of the special shows they've had. can you feel how i like this show? with all the subjectivity, come on! feel it!
when i realized today was friday, "uh-oh". the rest of the pieces sank it: magandang pilipinas will be replaced and atom aurullo will move there to do a segment. would this be there last episode?
then patty laurel exclaimed," today is graduation day celebrating 9 years of breakfast". i bursted crying.

i am not a cry baby not because i opted out to my defense. but seriously, if you knew me, i don't usually cry on heart melting goodbyes and stories of friends or other people (tehre goes subjectivity again! i just hate trying to be 'objective' all the time). but breakfast was different. I have been an avid breakfast viewer since it was first aired in ANC hosted by JC gonzalez (bianca's big brother, angel jacob (which i had an extreme crush with before) and three more guys i have forgot their names. i think one was mariton pacheco but i am not really sure (okay! our cable company that time just provided as 20channels including the local channels and the reception was damn bad that you could not stop yourself moving the cable line like what most of us do with their television antenna).

my view points: the thing i loved with breakfast was it starts my day with a light positive disposition of life especially things about our country. despite all the negativities we always hear in the news, which were usually the content of other morning shows. breakfast tended to give a fresher and lighter approach about everyday news as simple and fun as talking to your socially conscioused friends without being so scripted and subtly telling how hopeless our country could be, the barkadahan approach (to tag it).

all the kulitan, ot-otan (authestice-like), fooling around of the hosts would genuinely tell you that they are not strictly hosts, public figures, perfect androids that has the very least of getting a mistake but also organic beings just like their audience. although, it uses english as the primary language for the show, which is the usual approach among studio23 shows, they don't restrict the host to abide on "EOP or english only policy". and most of all, they also aimed there audience to become intelligent, conscious and optimistic citizens without being too elite and close minded to the masa (laymen) . i think this is what other morning shows failed to do by using never ending herbal and food supplement segments that really annoys me. although i haven't and never will try these alternative medications, i find it a total mediocracy. it tends to make the laymen more dumb about what is happening on their country;and total morons that depend their life on various alternatives.
i will never claim that breakfast was the perfect morning show without any flaws because they also have other segments quite bizaare like fashion and cooking segments that has nothing to do in dealing society. nonetheless, i believe these were effective tactics on how to get the younger generations attention and dwell them to various issues of the society. giving the real and authentic voice of the youth without the under estimating experienced-wise of the so-called 'matured' adults.

the chummy part(don't read, hahaha): again, thank you for the nine wonderful years of morning shows, breakfast!

there goes another tear again.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

film spoiler: ken park

today is not a good day. although to early to conclude. I failed to go to work earning me 2 attendance occurences. I am not really sure if I already reached beyond the 8 allowable attendance occurences before termination. the last time, i have updated it was already around 6. but there are some occurences i knew, that already fell off following the 6month rule (if an occurence was ommited after its sixth month it would fall off) during my freshman year in law school.
since my office would not allow me to render the hour for my tardiness, i just decided to go back home and finished my pending dvds, which happens to be the highlight of my entry.
from 6 in the morning till 1 in the afternoon, i have finished 4 movies that's a good start for 3 straight rest day offs.

first movie:
ken park

the unsaid stories of typical american teens among suburban communities. often times, when we think of the us, we picture either picture new york, las vegas, hollywood or hawaii at the very least. probably some of us never knew that like the philippines, 75% of us economy actually depends on agriculture.
basically, the film portrayed different stories of american teenage suburbs, in which boys love to skate and girls like skater boys while the rest are insanely too intelligent to follow such stereotypical mediocracy.

ken park, a skater who got her girlfriend pregnant and eventually killed himself in the middle of skating rink.
shawn, another skater who is having sex with her gf's mum.
peaches, (the actress who played the character was half Filipina) a pastor's daughter who excels at school and was married to her father (who also conducted the said matrimony) after being caught going down on her boyfriend (tied on her bed).
claude, also a skater who one night realized his father was molesting him.
tate, considered the geek and was living with her typical loving grandparents which was later killed by him.
the films main theme (or i though it was) was about mediocracy and stereotypes. mediocracy pertains to people who tend to know and expert themselves about what ideals are and set its consequences as well. The oppressor and repressor so to speak, that forms the foundation of morality. but happens to be the very cracks that destroy their own foundations. on the other hand, stereotypes or the one who are being stereotyped in context, are the one who tend to break away from the norms to reconstruct the dominant and existing order.
(next movies will be on the next posts since i have nothing much to do for the next two days...hehehe).

in the eyes of a stalker

"in the eyes of a stalker"
ms paint
*created for a friend who really adore this person. i decided not to post this person's portrait (for privacy purposes). most of my ms paint pieces were already been corrupted because of a misfortune. our ever diligent labandera, one day went inside my room and decided to put things on the laundry basket with my maong pants with the flash drive inside it. she thought it was a lighter, so she really didn't mind. i could not throw her complaints, aside from the fact she was new on the service that time, she was also pregnant. so what could i do?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

blue and happy

"blue and happy"
oil on canvas with etching
june 20, 2007

*my first attempt in playing with colors. basically, my first ever painting. I am used with free hand sketching so excuse me for the colors. hehehe. by the way, i didn't tried editing it in photoshop. so excuse me for the absurd lighting at the top.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

open letter to self proclaimed "open minded" persons

(sisihin si melo.)

so just because you've chose to be deviant from what was deemed accepted by this society, you think you're expert about being openminded. well then, let's make a quick reality check.

during my college years, being in what was deemed as the most 'open minded' university in the country (not to mention the campus I had been), i was lucky enough to get acquainted not only of the word openmindedness but its 'essential' meaning as well. Generally (i emphasize), the university's students, faculties, administrations, maintainance staff and even in and outside campus vendors were aware about the unwritten and unsaid rules of respect to others. Individuals' preference of lifestyles, interests, and ideologies vis-a-vis class, sex, gender, ethnic or race background were respected and viewed individually; and not as a unit of a group or community.

thus, i believe, this is what others had failed and overlooked in their perception of openmindedness. some believed that openmindedness was a matter of acknowledging an issue, which was deemed as generally deviant to the norm or not wholly accepted by society. most of the time, these are claimed by people who were the ones who belong or do such deviance/s. luckily, it could also not be denied, that there are also a number of people who recognizes such deviances. nonetheless, the former (people who engage on norm deviances) have the tendency to isolate and keep the equitable right to live exclusive to them and deny other people (the latter included), who are different from their preferences, the very right on the way of their struggle. Thus, just inverting the social order but maintaining the very social prejudices and discrimination.

bottomline: openmindedness is not a matter or mere acknowledging and/or engaging, it is a matter of accepting and respecting people's preferences as well as setting aside one's subjectivity or whatever personal intentions.

to further elaborate, let's contextualize using the issue of homosexuality.

probably, i have estimatedly the same number of heterosexual and homosexual friends in ratio. both of my closest friend came from each 'group': a lesbian and a (hetero)guy. Although I am not really comfortable using labels, just for better discussing my points I am forced to use it and the issue of uncomfortability about labels would be a different topic. Anyhow, going back to the topic, having both of them around made me widen my horizon about the issue of openmindedness.

to start with, homophobia among heterosexuals would probably be not a new topic anymore for us and I know some may find it very exhausting, clicheic and even boring. Although it should be recognized that forms of it evolved across time and people should be well-versed about this. So, to shorten the entry, I am skipping the latter and will jump to the next, homosexism. i just want you to consider it while reading the suceeding paragraphs.

moving ahead then.

ever heard of homosexism? or atleast any idea about it?
well, me too.
although, I hadn't yet any readings or researches about this concept which I have derived from the initially established heterosexism (def. the belief of heterosexuals as the superior and dominant gender), I theorized that this could be used to replace the heterosexual with homosexual with the given definition. if you have difficulty following the direction like me, it is simply putting homosexuals above heterosexuals in the society. Ooops, try putting down you're eyebrow first. I am assuming that some might ask, if such could really possible or even deem it impossible in the country? my answer is definitely yes and believe it or not it is actually happening as of the moment among you, us or them.
the scene of a homosexual telling friends that a heterosexual is actually homosexual because of the accuracy of his/her gaydar or pushing, fighting and provoking a heterosexual person to be a homosexual in the good intention or belief that this could actually make him/her happy and free: are concrete example of it. it is everywhere: workplace, school, house, etc. honestly, it offends me to see and realize that a heterosexual who would actually accept and respect a homosexual (as a friend which could be even worst or just a person or even not at all) irregardless of his preferences and lifestyle would be push by the latter to join the group or spread rumors.

i get the point that there is nothing wrong by being a homosexual, no arguement with that. what my point would basically be is that if a heterosexual accepted a homosexual, wouldn't it be unfair for the latter not accept the former for what he is and prefers? if s/he is really destined (if there such word) to be one then mere acceptance what he prefers at present is just right instead of going ahead the process of his life. process is not an overnight process and besides mangos are sweeter if riped on the course of natural process. don't get me wrong again, i am not jumping sides. I just accepts the fact that sexuality like life is fluid. It is a lond, winding river that no one tell where the current is going.
to sum it up, as mentioned, openmindedness is a matter of accepting and respecting people's preferences as well as setting aside one's subjectivity or whatever personal intentions. for us to avoid discrimination at the very least, we should learn to accept and respect others. Thus, that is openmindedness for you.

so can you say you're openminded to yourself again loud and proud?

then, i am very happy for you. congratulations. keep it up!


story of love, friendship and moving on. Entangled in the web of complications

Monday, June 18, 2007

hyuman trapik

Isang bagay na disadvantageous sa mga taong nagyoyosi ay ang pagiging magastos nito. Magastos hindi dahil sa pagbili mo ng iyong bisyo kundi magastos siya dahil sa dami ng limos na binibigay mo. Opo, limos.

Let's do a computation (naks parang magaling ako sa Matematiks. Sana hindi ako mag internal bleeding nito) : sa kada paninigarilyo mo sa labas ng isang establisamento, gumagastos ka ng P2.00 sa kada yosi na sinisindihan mo. Depende pa yun kung may natatanging talento ka sa paghigop (iba yun sa paghithit, take note) o pinanganak kang mas malaki ang isang baga mo sa ulo mo o di kaya'y sadyang sosyal ang brand ng sigarilyo mo. Tapos additional cost pa kung mahilig ka'ng mag kendi o uminom pagkatapos, sabihin na natin piso ang isang kendi. At panghuli ay ang limos na ibibigay mo sa mga pulubi na hindi ka lulubayan hangga't hindi ka magbibigay. Pumapatak ang limos depende kung sino ang kasama mo mag yosi mas malaki, mas espesyal ang tao. Sabihin nating P5 barya lang ang meron ka sa bulsa at ito ang ibibgay mo. Lumalabas sa isang yosi session na gumagastos ka ng atleast P8.00. At sa loob ng isang araw apat ang break ko at kailangan magyosi ako sa kada break. So P32 na yun. Hindi pa kasama yung walang kasing daming refilling stations at branches nila pag uwi.

So sabihin na nating P40 yun at P200 ang budget ko sa isang araw kung walang pupuntahan. Aba! lumalabas 20% na daily allowance ko ang napupunta sa charity!

Siyempre discretion mo rin naman yun kung magbibigay ka o hindi. Pero mas madalas hidni mo maiwasan kahit na alam mo na ginagamit lang sila ng sindikato. kahit nakikita mo'ng pinambibili lang nila ng rugby o pinampupsta sa cara cruz.

Naisip ko lang din, kahit saang sulok na ata Maynila (bansa at buong mundo na rin) merong mga palaboy na pulubi. Matanda, bata, katutubo, disabled, babae, lalaki, mag asawa. Lahat ay may kanya-kanyang raket din: may tumutugtog, sumasayaw, umaarte at kumakanta.
Samakatuwid, ang pamamalimos ay isang malaking talent contest kung saan ang boto ay hindi dinadaan sa text o vote cards at hindi na rin nangangailangan ng host o anumang advertisement.

Karagdagan, marahil kung ilalagay into ratio mo ang bilang ng kotse sa mga pulubi, 1:5 ang labanan. Kaya't hindi na rin nakakapagtaka kung ang trapik ay umaabot na kahit sa side walk o isang araw mayroon na ring traffic light kahit sa mga side walk.

Haay, late na naman ako (tayo). Kailan kaya tuluyang mawawala ang trapik?

Sunday, June 17, 2007

the day I killed the clowning bee

Probably, one of the most worst thing that men have innovated would probably be the commercialized FAST FOOD chains. This is not because I chose not to eat or just simply dislike eating in a fast food restaurant, it is just for the simple reason that it's supposed to be fast service, sacrifices the quantity and quality the food that a consumer is entitled with.

For me food is one of the primary grace for every living thing: the essential element for subsistence. Thus, it should be prepared with such bountiness and nourishment on the very least cost. And this is what MOST commercialies fast food chains failed to recognized.

If you're going to roam around any metropolitan, in either key cities or provinces, it would not fail you to see atleast two fast food chains along its main streets or highways. Food business has always been an all time industry, aside from call center industry of course which is beginning to climbing itself up to the top of the list in the country. Most entrepreneurs would say that it is the safest and most convenient business to engage in, that would probably explain why fast foods sporatically appears across the world like wild mushrooms on a huge dead wood. Thus, many people who are ignorant about the fact that they are beginning to get huge and even get obese. In other words, a walking blob stuffed with gas spasms and food frustrations.

Fast foods are food frustrations. Thanks to advertisements, of course. Basically, eating fast food makes you wish that they just remain as pictures on the counter. or television commercial. Because you know it at the back of your head taht 99% of the time they don't happen to look or taste like what they are projected to be once served. Not to mention, the price you have to pay just for you to be able to take hold or taste this food and that alone makes fast foods --- food frustrations.


Wednesday, June 13, 2007

tale of two balls

how balls and people are alike when falling in love

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

June 12 --- Independence Day

As expected, the 'formal' celebration of the country's independence was once again move a day before for practical purposes. Practical in the sense that vacation will be lengthened from the weekends up to yesterday. Its not new for the current president moving holidays since it is not the first time she have done this. Well, I think it runs in the blood. The former president Diosdado Macapagal, the current president's father, also have done this in the past. Moving the celebration of Independence day from July 4 to June 12. On the grounds that the country's first independence happened when the first Philippine Republic and president were formed and elected.

Nonetheless, that would not be my primary theme of my day's entry. Although somehow related. Today, someone who is dear to me and I really owe big time, is celebrating her birthday. A person who I often took for granted despite everything she have done not only for me but my entire family---my mother.

I really don't want to dwell too much on the "chummy"-ness part because I think everything that I would say has already been canned among birthday and mother's day cards. So I would try to write it down on things that we wouldn't normally say among each other in the family. Its obvious we are not the verbal type. We grew and reared up not too emotional and expressive type, so to speak. It would be something really really odd saying "I love you" to one another in the family except if there is a special occasion and this would happen to be a good excuse.

My mother would probably be not the mother everybody would chose if given an option at birth. She came from not a well off family and wanted to finish college with a diploma in Economics. Unfortunately, because of financial reasons she opted out to a course that was in demand during that time being a secretary. My mom worked for my dad's aunt and there they have met. When they have decided to settle down, my mother give up her profession to focus herself in taking care of us.

Honestly speaking, aside from TV shows I always watch, the rest of my childhood memories were not that good to reminisce. I know I may not be the only battered child who pictures himself in the "Eye-to-Eye: Nawawalang Bata portion" of the late Inday Badiday or on the verge of calling Bantay Bata 163, but I believe it is always a case-to-case scenario.

My childhood were full of stories of spanking, hitting, intolerable scolding or in other words abuse. Most of the times we were locked inside our home with our yaya and forbidden to play outside. It is not because we were rich and snobbish nor we are living along a street of squatting residences, it is just one of my mother's disciplining tactics. I could still picture myself looking at our veranda, envying other kids of my age happily playing outside.

For some, these forms of disciplining children would be inappropriate. But I could say that my mother nonetheless, did what she only knew was appropriate and was able to deliver to us the message she wanted as to know without verbally and emotionally expressing it.

We learned a lot from those things and experiences. We learn how to be strong and tough in times of difficulties. We were able to recognize pain that is inevitable in life. We knew how to live without totally depending unto them or to others. And when the time arrived that we needed to live our own lives and go to another place to pursue college, they have told us no restrictions nor what to do. They have allowed us whatever we want to do because they knew we totally knew what are limitations would be. We don't talk about our college life whenever we go back home. College life would include issues about school, peers or friends, activities, love life, sex life, vices and everything you could think of regarding college life. Considering the fact that I am living like 20 hours bus trip away from them. She literally taught us the definition of independence by showing first the strict essence of dependence to the family.

On the other hand, we tend not to do anything that we know would cross over our set limitations. I somehow prioritize studies despite my demanding extra curricular activities. I rejected learning how to use drugs even though my friends do. Simply because it would be a big burden for me to destroy or disrupt this such trust given to us.

Lately, I just discovered on one of the rarest occasion in which we have the time to talk about things we unusually discussed: about her dream to pursue Economics and to have a profession in relation with this. Me and my sister would try to push her to fulfill it since we have already finished our studies and have our own profession. But my mother would actually just give us one of her rarest smile as well and tell us that her dream may be one of the things she wanted to do and be but keeping our family intact and whole is something beyond her dreams. For her, seeing our family happy and whole is already a realization of her life's fulfillment. On that moment, we couldn't just stop our hearts from melting.

At the end of the day, I just realized that I may not have the best mother in the world, as eveyone normally would say. But I am proud to say that my mother would be the best mother I could ever have. And I am saying this not because it is her birthday but because this is something she deserves and I have failed to inform her.

Again, Happy Birthday, Ma and I would keep on reiterating that for me, you are the best mother I could ever have.

insecurities and doing one's best

"when your insecurities come along your way, always opt to the things you wanted to do best because everything would just follow."

this video just blew me away.

special thanks to blogadikted.


A typical promenade story of two girls

Monday, June 11, 2007

modern day katipunero

Warning: the following entry contains 'activists' and quite lengthy ideas. Read at your own risk.

"Katipunan is such a boring place," sabi ng teacher ko sa English1 nuong kumuha ako ng additional yunits sa Diliman. Marahil sa lahat ng mga kaklase ko sa kwartong iyon, ako lang ang ngumiti. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit pero ang haba talaga ng ngiti ko ng sabihin sa amin yun. Marahil dahil nakarelate ako at kapag nakatira ka dito malalaman mo ang ibig niyang sabihin. Pero paano?

Nuong nasa Baguio ako, wala akong kaalam-alam tungkol sa Katipunan. Ang alam ko lang, Katips, ang tawag ng mga coño ko'ng mga kaibigan sa lugar. Marami silang kwento tungkol dito. Kesyo dito sila kumain ni ganito, dito sila nag inuman nila ganito, dito sila nakipag-eyeball nung Atenistang chatmate niya at kung anu-ano pa. Tingin ko tuloy nuon, kailangan kapag pupunta ka ng Katipunan may dala ka'ng limpak-limpak at gamal-gamal na salapi.

Pagkatapos ko'ng grumadweyt kinailangan ko'ng bumaba ng Baguio para sa bagong career. Ibang leveling na, kumbaga. Kinailangan ko'ng mag-aral muli at magtrabaho ng sabay, parehong full time. Trabaho sa Quezon City ng umaga, aral sa Mendiola ng gabi. Ito ang plano ko nuon at para maisakatuparan ito kailangan ko ng isang malupit at strategik na lokasyon na matitirhan.

Kunsabagay, dalawa ang pwede ko'ng tirhan dito. Pero ang problema at hindi ko rin maintindihan sa mga magulang ko ay kung bakit pumayag silang maging boundary mark ng buong NCR ang kapwa bahay namin. Wala ata silang konsepto ng gitna (hmm, may kinalaman kaya rito kung bakit apat kaming magkakapatid). Ang isa ay nasa Caloocan, kungsaan dalawang cart wheel lang ay Bulacan na. Habang ang ikalawa naman ay sa LasPinas, tatlong dura lang Cavite naman. Nung bata pa ako, natatandaan ko lagi ko'ng tinatanaw sa kapwa namin bahay ang dalawang dambanang na may markang: Thank You for Visiting Us. You are now leaving NCR. Come Back Again. Alam ko'ng malikot ang imahinasyon ko nung bata ako at baka isa nanaman ito sa mga imaginary structures na nabuo ko. Kaso hindi ko na rin naconfirm kasi matagal na akong hindi nakakapunta duon. Mga tipong 1st year high school ang huling punta ka doon.

Pero balik sa usapan. Dahil nga sa aking career path at pagod nung mga panahong ginagalugad namin ang buong Maynila upang makapaghanap ng bahay. Habang binabaybay ng taxi driver ang kahabaan ng Alabang (na hindi ko rin alam kung saan yun nuon), nagmagandang loob ang taxi driver na magbigay ng payo matapos marinig ang melodrama ng aking buhay. Subukan daw namin sa Katipunan. Pagkarinig ko sa pangalan ng lugar isa lang ang tumakbo sa isip ko: refer to second paragraph.

Sige na lang ang nasabi ko sa drayber dahil nahihilo na rin ako sa ginagawa namin joy ride. Pagdating ng Katipunan, pulos kainan, Ateneo, kainan ulit, Ateneo nanaman, kainan ulit, tapos Ateneo ulit. Naisip ko, malaki nga pala talaga ang Ateneo. Tapos maya-maya'y kainan ulit. Sa dami ng establisamentong nakita ko, ito na nga ang Katipunan. Sa wakas nabigyan ko na rin ng background ang mga kwento ng mga coño ko'ng kaibigan: dumpsite lang kasi naiimagine ko dati eh.

Dala ng labis na pagkamangha saka ko lamang namalayan na naka-tatlong ikot na pala si manong drayber sa buong Katipunan Avenue. Katipunan extension na nuong sabihin niya'ng sa Loyola Heights daw maraming pinapaupahan, huwag daw dito. Prinomote ni manong ang kanyang sarili mula drayber papuntang tourist guide.

Eventually, nakahanap rin ako ng bahay dito. Nung nakapag settle down na ako, ang sumunod na nasa isip ko ay kumain at subukan ang mga kilalang inuman dito kahit ako lang mag-isa. Sanay na akong magpaka-emo at magsoul searching kapag umiinom. Pero hindi naman yung tipong umiiyak at tinatanong ang sarili: "kung pangit ba ako? bakit wala pa rin ako'ng karelasyon?" I really find it pathetic. Kung inom, inom lang. Pasayarin sa lalamunan, huwag papuntang utak. Tapos magdetour kapag malapit na sa puso tapos diretso sikmura. Swabeng inuman, kumbaga.

Narealize ko bigla, ang Katipunan Avenue ay isang malaking food menu. Halos lahat meron sila: fine dining, Vegetarian food, American, Japanese, Chinese, Mediterranean and around the world food, coffee shops, cake shops, etc. Lahat na ata matatagpuan dito pero sa lahat ng specialized establishments na ito, isa lamang ang nag click sa panlasa at bulsa ko---turo-turo.

Naisip ko, marahil masyado lang ako'ng nagvisualize ng masyado tungkol sa Katipunan. Batay na rin sa mga narinig ko para malaman lamang na ibabalik lang rin ako nito sa isang kainang madalas ko ng kainan kahit noong nasa Baguio pa ako. Yun mga tipong sinabi ni Bob Ong tungkol sa pag inom ng kape sa Starbucks at bakit patok na patok ito sa mga Pilipino. Sabi niya: "kapag uminom ka ng kape sa Starbucks pwede ka niyang dalhins a Chicago, New York, Paris subalit hindi sa Pilipinas. Panalo talaga ang isteytment na ito. Nakakalungkot isipin ang mentalidad meron ang ilan sa atin ngayon. Mas nanaising pansamanatalang takasan ang problema ng bansa kesa makialam at baguhin ito.
Maraming magrereact, expected ko na ito: ano nanaman ang magagawa namin? Sagot ko depende yan sa relatibong kalagayan ng isang indibidwal. Hindi naman kasi pwedeng magtakda sinuman kung ano ang dapat gawin para baguhin ang isang bagay lalo na't sistema ang pinag-uusapan natin dito. Kanya-kanyang kalagayan at kakayahan, ika nga. dahil ano rin naman ang magagawa ng pag inom ng kape sa Starbucks, hindi ba? Pampagising subalit hindi kailanman nagmumulat.

Noong una, sinubukan ko'ng araw-arawin ang kahabaan ng Katipunan upang makahanap ng isang kainan na makakasatisfy sa mga ekspektasyon ko. Pangatlong sapatos ko na ito sa loob ng halos isang taon sa Katipunan, wala pa rin ako'ng nahahanap.

Marahil ang bulto ng makikita mo sa lugar na ito ay singkit na mga nata, exagerrated na tangos ng mga ilong, estudyanteng my kotse at may mga kotse(malaki ang kinaibahan ng dalawa. We are talking about millions of differences), koreano (well, they are just everywhere), condominiums, parking boys (the most numerous in Quezon City, I must say), bilihan ng yosi (like every single block, meron), tricycle (susunod na ata ang Katipunan sa Cabanatuan City for being the Tricycle Capital of the Philippines) at mga nangongolekta ng basyo ng bote at karton na naka-bike.

Marahil kahit gaano kaurbanisado ang lugar na linalarawan sa iyo at nadadaanan mo: Makati, Libis, Eastwood, Malate, Alabang, Baguio, Cebu etc, basta sa Pilipinas required na may larawan ng kahirapan dito. Kinakailangan na rin sigurong iupdate ang mga political books tungkol sa mga general characteristics ng isang developing country at isama ito. So, would this makes me a political theorist? Well, wala ako'ng pakialam dahil ang punto ay kung papaano ang Katipunan naging 'a boring place.'

Tingin ko, Katipunan is a boring place kasi the usual picture of poverty is something already given. But unlike some other places sa Pinas, the main thing that make it unboring is the presence of a group of people who are willing and determined to make the place, a more equitable (not equal)place, atleast.

DISKLAYMER: But don't get me wrong, I don't mean that I need to see a group of rallying mob sa kahabaan ng Katipunan araw-araw. Medyo mahirap nga naman talaga yun, mahaba-haba ang Katipunan at puno ng mga reckless drivers compare sa Recto o Mendiola na medyo slow paced ang traffic kaya pwede ka pang mag tumbling kapag tatawid ng kalsada. Wala rin po ako'ng ekslusibong tinutukoy sa mga taong aking binabanggit. Hindi ito nakakahon sa mga Atenista o Miriam o UP students o anumang karatig paaralan at unibersidad. Ito ay sa kalahatan ng pumupunta sa Katipunan. Mabigat lang kasing isipin, that people na nakikita ko sa lugar na ito ay either nasa Mc Donalds, Tia Maria's, Meat shop, Cello's atbp. Mangilan-ngilan lang siguro yung mga taong makikita mo'ng nagbibigay ng limos or kahit ng tulong sa mga taong lansangan duon (kundi siguro required ng catechism or NSTP class). Problem is, generally everyone in Katipunan just pass by and go with their routinely activities of their lives. Yung mga taong dumadaan, tumitingin at namumuhay sa realisasyong ganito na talaga ang sistema. Kailangan na lamang natin tanggapin at lunukin. Regardless kasing kunat ng matandang beef ang pinapakain sa atin.

Call me idealistic. Pero parang pagkain lang sa restaurant yan. Kung hindi ka magrereklamo at tawagin ang manager ng kinakainan mo, you'll end up having an unsatisfied stomach and unjustifiable bill, not to mention the questionable 10% service fee. Uuwi ka at hindi makakatulog kakaisip na parang nadugasan ka.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

unmasking maskman

"i never thought, male maskmen knew how to dance jazz. probably the very first ever interpretative dance in our childhood---BRAVO!"

maskman na marahil ang isa sa mga kinahiligan ko'ng 5 member super teams bago pa man lumabas ang power rangers. sila na rin siguro ang nagmulat sa akin pagiging sexual being bago pa man ang adolescent period ko (ito yun, kapag nagtratransform na sila). pupusta ako, inaabangan niyo rin yung eksena na magtratransform sila at manghihinayang sa ilang mga episodes na diretsong transformation kaagad. nakakafrustrate nga lang dahil pare-pareho naman ang undergarments na suot nila every transformation. ayoko ng mag-isip.

kabisado ko lahat halos tungkol sa palabas na ito: ang pinoy theme song nito( refer to the previous play list na pinost ko), ang hand gestures nila kapag nagmemeditate sila at maging ang aura garter game nila (na nauso rin nuong grade 4 ako). Halos may current profile nga rin ako ng mga bida dito eh. pinakakilala na marahil ang kanilang professor na nasa Takeshi's Castle na rin (siya yung leader ng mga contestants).

akala ko alam ko na ang lahat tungkol sa kanila, subalit nagkamali ako nuong nakita ko ito. umiyak ako buong gabi. kakaisip at patuloy na sinisi ang IBC 13 dahil pinutol ito sa introduction. kungkayat, masakit ang ulo kinaumagahan pagdating sa trabaho, kakabisado sa sayaw na ito...hindi niyo ako masisisi...hindi.

Thursday, June 7, 2007


when everything that two lovers have and value are in no chance be accepted by their society: there is no other way but to find another world, where they could be fully accepted.

trivia: the character of connor was played by Marshall Allman: who also played LJ Burrows in Prisonbreak.

my first jeepney drive to work

Earlier, I have decided to ride a jeepney on my way to work. Aside from the fact, my budget is running short, I thought it would be useful and practical just in case, to familiarize myself with the jeepney routes instead of taking a cab everyday for the rest of my office life.

A friend from work gave me the directions to take from Katipunan going to the office. She told me to get a jeepney ride from Katipunan to Anonas. In Anonas, enter a small alley that is beside UCPB. Then on the other side of it will be another road, where jeepneys pass going to Morato. And from Morato it will be just a short walk to the office. The directions are easy. Since I already have familiarized myself with the places mentioned. It is just the jeepney line that I am not confident about: and this was what I have proved to be right.

By the time I reached Anonas, I immediately hopped in on the first jeepney that passed. I knew the fare will be P10. I have already prepared for it. Bahay pa lang. So that I will not be magugulangan by driver if I am going to pay him a higher bill.

The establishments and places which the jeepney passed through are (quite)familiar. So I have told myself, there was still no reason for me to panic. Until, the jeepney suddenly made a left turn on the last traffic light before Morato coming from Kamuning.

From that moment, I felt my self suddenly parting in to two. One told me, to jump off the jeepney and just ride a cab to the office. While the other one told me, the public vehicle just made a detour. Thinking for the lesser evil which were additional expense for the cab and time already consumed inside the jeep, I chose to trust the jeepney driver. But that happened to be one of the most fatal mistakes of my life.

After several blocks (meaning almost one mile) away from the traffic light to Morato (which I already considered my guiding light), I finally decided to jump off the jeep without even a hint where exactly I am. Then, I began to realize that I was on deeper trouble. It was actually my first time to see that street. I even don't know if I am still in Quezon City.

Without any idea to go or any idea to do, I looked for any cabs or jeepnyies that have familiar signs around. No available cabs around. While most of the jeepnies that passed have signs that read: Cubao. On that moment, I never knew Cubao was that big: that it has different places aside from the Cubao Gateway or Farmers, I knew,

While waiting and keeping myself from bursting to tears, I saw a jeepney driver changing his jeepney tire.

No, I am not wishing that it was the same jeepney driver I rode nor hoping that the same fate would happen to him. I thought that would be too rude. Yeah, right.

Nothing unusual at first glance. But when I tried to focus myself back again to the driver, who was trying to pull the tire off the vehicle, I just then realized he was actually a she. On my surprise, even I am aware about gender sensitivity, my initial reaction was to look for a man who might be the actual jeepney driver. Thinking the woman was just the typical wife who serves as the conductor among jeepneys. Yes, I knew that was so insensitive of me. Excuse moi!

But I think, the usual/initial tendency of someone reared in a patriach-heteronormative society (naks!) like ours, is to be slipped over by their unconscous state. Isn't that a good excuse.

But kidding aside, it actually holds true. Such believe in some way had already integrated on our society and even on our selves. As long as there is a conscious effort to break away from these and the concept of process is not there just as a personal excuse, I think it would be considerable.

It surprised me to see how traditional occupations dominated by specific sexualities are beginning to be neutralized as time goes by. Looking at it, made me proud. Thinking that I am lucky enough because I was able to witness such event during my life time.

Looking at the woman carrying those big rubber tires that even I will take great efforts to replace it back to the jeepny made me admire her. At first, the other half of myself was pushing me to offer a hand but the other part was pulling me back telling me, it might offend her. Another choice of lesser evil and a new excuse for my unconscious insensitivities. So I chose the later.

There were lots of probable causes circled my head during that time. Thinking, what might lead such neutralization? Would it really be that our society/culture is beginning to accept the concept of gender equity, that is not based on mere tolerance? Or would it be that women nowadays are more aware and conscious about their rights and potentialities? Would it because of modernization? Or would it just simply because of poverty?

Before I could actually rationalize those questions, a jeepney passed with a Cubao:Yale sign. Although not really sure where Yale is, again, I just hopped in and gather all my guts and asked the driver if the route would pass Morato. The driver answered "Oo'" with a blank face. Eventhough I was not totally convinced, a minimal amount of security during that moment, was just enough to get me on a jeepney again.

I was seated infront of the jeepney as it ran away from the place. I realized, sitting in front position gives you a more advantageous position of not missing the traffic light, I thought. Unfortunately, it seemed like the issue of an advantageous position was not a matter if you are either in front or back of the vehicle alone. But also a matter of which side you were : if you were in the left or right side. Then, the speed of the vehicle should also be considered: if everything was either moving in slow motion or moving in light speed. Moving forward, I think you already have an idea of what will come next. The supposed to be 15minute late actually became an hour.

Oh well, atleast I have something to ponder on later again before going to bed.

complications and innocence

when everything in life seems to be complicated, all you need to do is redeem back your innocence.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007


A wandering commuter that roams around the metropolitan.
He have lots of ideas in mind that were molded by his trips.
Despite having a memory as short as a goldfish,
he have failed to write them down.
So the gold fish decided to learn, how to write.

About the goldfish:

He prefers riding jeepney, pedicab, tricycle and ordinary buses
or any other distinctly Pinoy improvised mobiles
for short distance trips.
But prefers to ride any wide, clean and airconditioned vehicles
after his latest trip to/from Bicol, for long trips.

He prefers sitting on either the window side or standing in the aisle.
He loves looking outside: looking on different places,
different faces, and different activities.

He loves the diversities of almost everything:
the magnifence of intricate details
and the complexities of simple and unnoticed subjects.

He loves creating “wild” stories and what ifs.

He is fond of looking for beauty of what is deemed
by many as unattractive or worthless
and elaborate them as special as possible.

He tends to break away from “the usual”,
“the common”, “the typical”, “the norm”,
as much as possible
because nobody could be absolute.

He admires people who doesn’t know that they are beautiful.

He appreciates things with values
not determined by their price tags.

Most of the time if he is roaming around,
he likes thinking about different things
that engage him to solitary discussion with his self.

He sets the thick lines between being rationale and insane:
as well as being sane and dogmatic.

He knows special things always emerge on simple things.

He knows a good movie has poor advertisements.
He thinks that good visual artists
could never make a straight line or use a ruler.

He thinks that coffee shops and bars
don’t sell cups of coffee and bottles of beer,
they sell nice conversations and good friendships.

He thinks that insane vagrants are the most wonderful storytellers.

He thinks prostitutes are actors in an award-winning film.

He is always in search for adventure
which he thinks everybody is:
its just that they don’t notice or would not want to recognize it.

He thinks silence produces the best form of art and wisdom.

He always believe that life could never be short
if you have a lot of memories to put into it.

He also believes that labels equate discrimination.
Labelling one’s self is the worst thing you could do for yourself
because in labelling yourself,
your limiting all the potentialities life
could offer for one’s self.

He believes that the most effective and efficent form
of both revenge and courage is being silent.

He believes that the more you anticipate on things,
the more it would not happen.

He always believe in religion but never its institutions.

He believed that Ped Xing is a street named for a Chinese hero,
who helped the Philippine revolution before.
Until he saw Rail Road Xing, Bike Xing etc. and began doubting this belief.

He believes that happiness always comes from within.

He believes that there are video cameras around him
whenever he roams around and somebody is making
a documentary film of his life.
So he makes his every movement as artistic as possible.

He believes that time is more precious than power and other riches.

He believes that reputation is more greater than
any memorial statues or history books.

He believes that everybody’s enemy have their own story
that everybody would empathize if given the chance
and handled with an open mind.

Finally, he believes that he will be able to finally, keep and update this blog.