Tuesday, August 22, 2017

intellectualizing sex

L came to a point wherein he just want to fuck around. no expectations. no complications. easy.

L meets them up. go somewhere private. no more talking. just undress.

no need for staring; for appreciating. L has no time. he just need to satisfy his urge, which he thinks might be his own curse.  

skip the gestures. no kissing. no hugging.

L goes down. flips. moans. screams. clings. everything he needs to know how.

L turn his back. he cannot know. he cannot remember. L hates why he have to think about this. why does he need to rationalize this?

L feels the grip growing stronger. L moves faster. L loosen up the grip. it hurts. L breath shorter. L chases the rush. he feels the rush. until finally L surrenders and catches a half sigh.

then L stands up and put on his clothes. he opens the door and dashes his way out without turning back. after several steps, he leaned flat on the wall and firmly pressed his hand on his chest.



he was just in time - before the next beat.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

so how have i been?

never been better.

last week, i just celebrated my seventh year with my company; and as of the moment, i still have no thoughts of leaving anytime soon.

i enjoy my work as it gives me a lot of space to move, to learn and grow. i travel very frequently to places which i did not think i would if it was just a personal trip. it makes my brain run. never been a routine, time flies so fast that most of the time it fee
ls you have been robbed. and above all, it gives you a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment at the end of the day.

i am also committed to someone and have been living together for more than four years now with the most stubborn but the cutest 3-year old siberian husky. we are staying in a 2-bedroom apartment in makati, wherein we also throiw regular sunday dinners for friends and host couchsurfers.

recently, i enjoy going home early, lie down and do nothing. my mind is clearer than it was before. i still get bored easily but i get by by just thinking nothing.

honestly, i feel like i have less friends now and i do not have any problems with it. i guess, i already came to a point wherein i just keep a few and pretty much satisfied with it.

as you grow old, you realize friendship is anchored by respect and not by politeness. we tell them the truth than to drown them by illusions due to the fear that we might hurt their feelings.

one time, i read this statement by meryl streep (though i am not also sure if she really did say this) but boy was i glad to have someone finally put my thoughts in words. ever since then, i started refering it as the meryl streep syndrome.

there were several attempts to sketch and write but it always end up in the corner. for some reason, i always end up falling short of inspiration. i guess because i was used to channel it from a darker source. hahaha! so now, here i am trying again, taking the first step.

i also gained so much weight over the past years. in fact, last september, i was rushed and confined for a week in the hospital for almost having a stroke due to travel stress, lack of sleep, lack of exercise and poor diet which i obviously taken for granted. i then realize that maybe this is the way life is telling me that i am no longer getting any younger; that the days of YOLO-ing is finally over.

but its also ironic how gaining weight made me gained so much confidence, to a point wherein you just stop worrying or stop always trying to prove something. again, you just stop caring. or maybe i am just really growing old.

today, after finishing two major and grueling projects, blankly looking at my monitor screen. i've finally cornered my head to focus on something: i am thinking of BUSINESS.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

version 3.2

it has been more than two years.

two years since the last time i wrote something personal.

reading back my old entries made me realize what an entirely different person i am now. i just turned 32 and i am just glad that i followed a blogger's friend advise of not shutting this blog down way back.

blogging is not as big as it used to be. many blamed micro-blogging or twitter killed it. while some believed that there was just too many distractions now online that many cannot last staying in just one webpage for more than 3 minutes.

eventually, many bloggers, including myself, unconsciously turned their backs away from their blog pages and found different outlets to express themselves.

but once in a while, you find yourself typing that familiar URL address and wondered how it felt like again. how it leads you to other peoples lives and rekindle their stories and conversations you have made. how you imagine how they look like behind their blogs and the truth and lies from their stories. until like a warm stream of gushing water, it overwhelms you. it out-powers you with so much memories and nostalgia until you tell yourself you cannot take it anymore.

yes, writing an entry nowadays is like opening past wounds.

for some reason, i am scared to rekindle past emotions as it may mixed up with my current content. i fear that past mental muses will haunt me again and lead me to that deep abyss of complications. i am terrified with the thought that after all these years, i find myself back to where i first started.

perhaps it was just recently when i was resolved that i am indeed a very emotional person: that my arts and thoughts were linked on how i managed and struggled myself internally. thus, i learned how to suppress my emotions, evade those moments of deep thinking and just taking everything as it is.

i restrained my politics and avoided others. i refused to listen to other peoples' struggles as i find nothing new about it. i stopped holding a pen to draw or write poems. simply speaking, i grew old and had different priorities; made myself distracted and for some reason i liked it.

but eventually it makes me realize there is something wrong, lacking or missing. so you tend to force yourself to face all these again and see how it goes from here again.