Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
when i was in highschool, it became somehow different. but it was only when i reached college, when i finally realized that not all boys like girls and not all girls like boys. same goes with not all gays guys only go with straight men and lesbians only go with straight women.
it was just the other day when some officemates and i noticed how P already developed this talent with his lips. discreetly pointing it to someone he finds cute. and being pros on our own fields, we found our own discreet ways and poses just to find his object of attraction. then eventually laugh with each other after realizing how stupid our efforts were.
"go after him," S advised.
"do you think he's gay too? what if hes straight?" P asked while still locking his stare at the guy.
"would it matter if he is?" T followed.
"of course, it does. i don't want to get myself smacked on the face after making the first move--- thats every gay guys hook up dilemna."
"but isn't that what gay guys after--- straight men?" R reacted.
i tried hard not to laugh. then thats the time i felt that the conversation is becoming very interesting and we will be extending our lunch.
"where are you from? still stuck in the 80s?" P reacted.
"gay guys can only go with straight men if there is money involve, at least that is how it was from how they’ve portrayed it in the movies," T followed.
"wait... so you mean, if a straight guy sleeps (with all the word connotes) with a gay guy with no money involves, he is no longer straight?" it was R.
"but what if the guy is just simply horny that time and just need to find something or someone to release it with, wouldn't that at least be an exception?"
"i believe that for sex to be called sex, there should be at least attraction involve to titillate your thing or at least work your drive--- "
the line "opposites attract, similar repel" whispered inside my head.
"so if the straight guy was able to have sex with a gay guy, he should be at least attracted to the latter." (T)
"so he is no longer straight!" (R)
"yes! because of the law of attraction---" (S)
Again, i repeated the line inside my head while S stated it,
"opposites attract, similar repel."
"at least if we are following the law of attraction, attraction is purely among opposite sex."
then T argued, "how about attraction with the opposite preference?"
now there goes a rebuttal statement. how a subject of differences, drawn out from a similarity, produces an attraction.
“straight curious,” P exclaimed.
R laughed, “theres such a thing?”
“are you really in the same timeline as we are?”
“i guess so.”
“but actually sometimes the label is more of a front,”
“what are you chicken?”
“hahaha! you see, in the world where i am at.”
“internet world i supposed,”
“right! hahaha!” P continued, “the more straight looking you are, the higher your market value.”
“so i’m right, gay guys still go after straight men,” R replied.
“theoretically, true. but technically, not really.”
“so how would you know if someone is just saying he’s straight curious for a front?”
“if he already slept with more than one guy and he is still saying he is curious.”--- more laugh.
“is that something absolute?”
“nop, just figured it out on my own.”
“but why do you need to look as straight as possible? and wheres this market?”
yes. sometimes or most of the time, R’s naive-ness is really beyond normal comprehension.
“its somewhere in the wet area of nepa-q mart. Just try asking the porters outside for directions.”
We all laughed.
“actually, i remember another gay friend who explained to me that he prefers looking straight and having another straight looking as a partner, makes them hidden from other people’s judgment.”
“yeah, make sense.”
everyone agreed even R got the idea.
“so wheres that cutie again?” S broke the silence.
“he’s gone!” R replied.
“tsss! sayang! who started this conversation ba kasi? kainis!”
believe it or not, i didn’t say a single word from this conversation. i just realized, sometimes, it’s just fun to listen. set aside your views and discover what other people have to say.
seriously, i never really expected my officemates to have this kind of conversation. probably, i underestimated them. but yes, probably that is the wonder of not expecting to much from someone, they just surprise you.
s,t, r, p and i came from different schools and courses; different family background and interests; hence, different views, ideologies and opinions. most of the time, we are only binded with topics regarding work. after lunch that day, i just realize that regardless of differences the openness and diversity of such issue have gradually found its place on our life thoughts---
just because of random conversations like this and if only people will just start to listen.
Friday, September 23, 2011
the mind whispers more than what
the body can comprehend
two bodies linger on what seem to be
an inconcrete sensation
deeper towards the recesses of memories
the bodies are perfect as usual
exactly, how we imagine
funny how fantasies titillate us
makes us craves
for a hundred fulfilling promises
set us to false journeys
then leave us with a cringing pain
how at the end,
one will realize
it is only ourself who can provide us that reuniting pleasure
--- and only i,
can make myself moan
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
countless days and futile nights passed. but the same shadow didn’t let him go. until hopelessness devoured him completely. he just started not caring; and crying. he laid down on his bed and just let time pass and win him over. it was as if its the only thing he know he could do. the feeling was always paralyzing.
until an opportunity came.
i guess thats what they call patience, a friend told him.
tonight, as he waits for everyone to bid there farewells to him, he thought of opening and rekindling those posts again. he read them from one page to the next and could believe, he actually wrote them.
so whats keeping him busy these past months?
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
without any family, relatives nor friends with him, he saw himself renting a small room in katipunan together with an old landlord.
for almost four years the two men stayed under the same roof. but they managed not to divulge into a conversation. there relationship was constrained with brief nods or small talks whenever the boy pays his rent. there were even times when the boy catches the old man just waiting for him sitting on an old dusty couch as if cornering him to finally know who his tenant was.
but the boy, though as polite as he can, would always excuse himself with alibis of something important to do. then he will just catch the old man's dismay through his eyes. He will then feel loneliness radiating on his face.
It seemed like the boy just cannot stand the gloominess and coldness of the room. it was as if he was watching a very depressing film. hence he would always just stays inside his own space.
one time, the boy woke up realizing the landlord was not in the house. there was no coughing down stairs. no radio turned on. it was just plain silence. so he finally went out of his lair and decided to explore the entire house. then he realized, it actually took him a year before he have done this.
in general, it was old enormous house, where dust already covered its elegance and time already stole it from being a home.
there was an old piano dead waiting on the corner. above it were frames of blurred old photos; of people who the boy have never seen before. but somewhere among the frames, he managed to identify his landlord. a young radiant man who was laughing while hugging a woman carrying a baby. the boy figured it must be his family. and no, he no longer attempted asking where they are now? he just left his curiosity inside boxes of piled stained letters, post cards and peeking photos. the mere thought made him really down and was even magnified when a cold smooth breeze brushed his arms.
it had been over a month since the boy learned his landlord was back. surprisingly, he was no longer waiting for him downstairs, sitting on that old dusty couch and listening to a struggling radio box. however, he noticed a woman, probably in her 40s, cleaning and bringing food to his landlord's room. she was also silent. eyes blank and lip tucked.
when the end of the month came, someone knocked on the boy's room. it was the woman. she said the landlord wanted to see him.
the boy also barely recognized the old man's voice. though the message was clear. it was almost over. he wanted the boy to find another place; afraid that he can no longer maintain his house. he just wanted to rest and go back to another waiting. At least thats how the boy understood it.
the words struck him. he (boy) was speechless. there was just that automatic response of handling over his rent and go out. guess, he just can't bare the feeling or perhaps the conscience asking him why he cannot give the old man very small amount of his time before, just to make him forget or at they very least alter his routine.
but before he even made his second step, the old man stopped him. he refused to take the payment and advised the boy to use it for his next space. then he smiled. the boy almost surrendered to his own tears. he thanked the old man and left.
when he arrived in his room, he just stood in front the closed door and looked at the space he called at that time called his home, along with the things that he have brought inside; all the memories that he have met for the past four years.
goodbye has never been his thing probably because he always has difficulties of starting over. but if theres one thing he have learned from the old man, its simply waiting in between is far more worst than starting or ending something.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
K still cannot believe it, seeing that well-carved gold wrapped around J's fourth finger.
decades had past. but K could still not stop thinking how fast time have escaped them. how so many things have changed. and how K have not prepared himself from it.
last saturday, it was brighter than expected. a reunion was spontaneously called and after exactly three years, K and J met again.
as usual, everything should remain the same, especially in front of everyone. it was just then that K have realized how good artists they were, never dropped the act even once. how they have lived behind pretensions and most importantly, how he managed to hold on to that weird churning feeling inside his stomach whenever they're together.
it never fails to make K smile. no matter how he try not to.
they drank the entire day, hopping from one bar to another. holding on to that excuse that its been awhile since they have been with each other.
nonetheless, K remain silent the entire time. he busied himself in stealing glances at J, trying to find flaws, and coming up with questions that he might have missed in the process of forgetting and moving on for the past ten years.
how J looks stupid in maintaining that cheap highlight. how ridiculous J's piercings look like. all these time, K believed that he is smart enough to know better. but he guess J is his kryptonite.
K even tried blaming it on adolescent crisis, with immature curiousness, or perhaps with that cheap romance tagalog pocket book he had chance of reading one sunday afternoon. but no matter how he dig deeper, the answers remained weak and refutable.
until K saw J removing the well-carved gold from the fourth finger, as they walked inside a bar full of people.
from then on he realized, there are still things or people left not to be changed--- completely. but what he saw made his thoughts more worst.
In the middle of the party, J stood up and walked away from their table with an excuse of going to the john. But its been almost 30 minutes and J still haven’t returned. Until, behind the thick crowd, K saw J with someone. nonetheless, K tried not to entertain the idea of getting hurt. basically, due to the absence of reason.
when the night ended, J offered K a bike ride to his hotel. there was a strange feeling being in that distance again. all K could do was to hold on to his narrow hips and take the harsh night chill as they go by the moving warm lights, as if bidding their goodbyes to the two.
they talked a lot of things along the way, probably the lengthiest conversation they had for the day. they talked about work, family, taking responsibilities and materializing dreams. for a moment, K felt that they are no longer kids anymore. but what made him moved was the fact that they never really talked about the past, their experiences before, or what was between them--- exactly a decade ago, on one of those humid summer nights, when their raging confusions rushed and engulfed them.
if K can only wish life to be seen in both perspectives just like in the movies.
K bet it will make living a little less complicated.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
matapos ka'ng magnobena at humingi ng tulong kay sta.clara, st.jude at kerubin, niyaya mo ang crush mo manuod ng sine. banat mo pa, "napanood mo na ba ang ______?"
sagot naman niya, "oo, ang galing ng efex nun."
"eh yung __________?"
"oo, okay lang naman. mas dvd watching siya eh.
""aaahhh... yung pinakabago, yung ______________?"
"yup, nung rest day lang."
kulang na lang talaga tanungin mo, "bakit hindi ka nagyayaya?"
"gusto mo ba'ng manuod ng sine buklas? kahit ano'ng hidni mo pa napapanuod?"
"naku, super busy ako lately eh...."
ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka talaga mapamura.
9. kapag naging (mas) maporma at nagpapabango na siya ngayon.
kung isang araw, may naamoy ka'ng mabango, tapos first time mo pa'ng maamoy ito, at lalo na hindi pa naman malapit ang pay day, hanapin mo kaagad ang crush mo. kapag nakita mo siya na nakapower dress at malayo sa typical look niyang tshirt, jeans at rubber shoes o tsinelas. kabahan ka na, tsong!
8. kasama na sa expression niya ang linyang: "hindi ako pwede eh. may gagawin/pupuntahan ako".
kapag narerealize mo na lang na alam mo na ang pangalan ng tatay at nanay niya, mga kapatid niya, pet niya at lolo't lola niya o basically, alam mo na ang buong family tree niya kahit hindi mo pa sila nakikita. naku, wag ka'ng maging feelingero, hindi ka niya ipapakilala sa kanila. ginagamit lang niya, sila as an excuse para hindi sumama sa iyo.
7. hindi sumasabay umuwi, laging nauuna o iba ang dinaadaanan.
isang oras ka ng naghihintay sa labas. wishful thinking na pwede mo siyang sabayan sa pag uwi at maihatid man lang sa kanila. first move itong ng panliligaw kapag nagkataon. pero huli na ng malaman mo, kanina pa pala siya lumabas. at infact, mas nauna pa pala siyang lumabas sa iyo. the next day, gusto mo'ng kornerin. sinigurado mo ng mauuna ka'ng lumabas. nung nahuli mo na at inalok sabayan sa pag uwi, biglang nagtawag ng taxi at natatae na daw siya.ayun! dugo ang puso, durog ang first move...
6. Kapag may sudden change ng routine at hindi niyo na siya madalas kasama.
kapag madalang niyo na siyang nakakasama: sa ibang lugar na siya kumakain, sa ibang side na siya ng building nagyoyosi at iba na rin ang brand ng yosi niya---hindi ito simpleng pagbabago o make over lang, may nag iimpluwensiya sa kanya. believe me!
5. kapag patay na rin ang kanyang friendster, multiply, facebook at iba pang social networking site> last log in more than 3 weeks ago.
kasama sa panliligaw strategy mo ang pang-iistalk. at isang efecktib way ay anonymous viewing sa mga profiles niya sa internet, para malaman mo ang kanyang interest, favorites at madalas puntahan. pero 3 linggo ka nang nag oonline, ubos na ang pera mo sa kakarenta sa netopia, hindi pa rin siya nag uupdate at nag oonline. ang masaklap pa, nakaprivate viewing siya at hindi pa niya inaaccept ang invitation mo. haaay, sayang pera!
4. hindi o madalang na siya nag tetext. kahit lagi mo naman siya nakikitang nag tetext mag isa.
nagising ka isang araw at narealize mo na namimiss mo na ang mga text messages niya kahit na group forward messages pa ito. tapos isang araw, matutuwa ka dahil nag "goodmorning" siya. pero nang rineplyan mo naman, hindi na siya na nag reply back. minisscall mo pa pero wala pa ring epek, wala talagang reply.pero nang biglang pasuko ka na, biglang tumunog ang cellphone mo. magmamadali ka'ng iopen ang message tapos madadagdagan lang ang inis mo dahil globe advisory lang pala. argh!
3. kapag pumasok siyang naka turtle neck kahit hindi naman malamig o may band aid sa mga weird part ng katawan with the excuse na nakagat ng malaking kulisap.
matapos ang mga serye ng biglaang pag popower dress, magugulat ka na lang dahil papasok siya ng naka turtle neck kahit naknakan naman ng init sa labas. kung hindi naman talaga kaya ang init, nag baband aid pero super last resort na ito. panahon pa yata ng lolo at lola ko, ganito na ang mga style ng mga nagtatago.tip naman sa mga crinu-crush-an, pasalamat ka at uso ang mga scarf lately. kaya pwede mo'ng itago yan, kung ano man yan, gamit ito. kaya hindi magiging ganun ka obvious. *sorry dude, ayoko lang maging bias sa mga readers ko. its a subtle way of saying, i understand what they are going through. naks naman!
2. biglang bawal na mag overnight o mag inuman sa kanila.
ang bahay na pinag uugatan ng lahat ng nararamdaman mo. ang lugar kung saan mo siya unang nakilala: ngayon ay close na. kahit makailan ulit kang magyaya at kahit back up-an ka ng mga kaibigan niyo, hindi na raw talaga pwede mga visitors dun. siyempre classic na excuse dito ay nagagalit ang land lady, ang mga kapit bahay, ang mga askal at pusakal.
1. kapag may sun cellular na number na siya.
talaga nga namang hindi ka pa talaga sumusuko at natatauhan noh?!last resort na talaga, tatawagan mo na siya kahit below 20 pesos na lang load mo. kaso kahit ang pagpapaulan ng mga chummy at personalized messages ay walang epek at unlitxt na ang sumusuko, wala pa rin response. kungkaya't tawagan mo na. pero kung biglang nag out-of-coverage area, naku, isa lang nag ibig sabihin niyan mayroon siyang sun cell na tanging karelasyon niya lang ang laman sa phonebook. sa kasalukuyan, habang ikaw ay nagmumukmok sa kinalalagyan mo, sila naman ay nagpapalapnos ng tenga sa pakikitelebabad sa isa't-isa.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
7. gumagawa ka ng eksena o okasyon para magkita kayo. kunyari, kahit wala ka'ng pera at katuldok na lang ang itim ng mata mo dahil sa gutom, magyayaya ka pa rin inuman at sagot mo pa, para lang pumunta siya.
6. kapag nag iisip ka ng gagawin o pupuntahan kasama siya prior ng pagkikita niyo. kapag nagkita na kayo, palalabasin mo'ng naisip mo lang ang ideya by the spur of the moment at hindi mo naman talaga pinagplanuhan.
5.kapag daig mo pa ang bagyo sa pag-eemote at ang sunset sa pagiging artistic. kapag hindi ka nabati tuwing nagkakasalubong kayo, feeling mo ang pangit pangit mo na, tapos sisihin mo pa siya dahil hindi niya kino-compensate yung attention na binibigay mo sa kanya. may pagkakataon din na sobrang nagiging artistic ka at sinisipag gumawa ng mga tula, kwento o kahit anu ano pa. kahit alam mo'ng wala ka naman talagang talent. kebs ba nila? art is a form of self expression.
4. everytime na gusto mo'ng itext siya, mandadamay ka ng iba at gagawin mo'ng group message para lang may lusot ka kapag nagkabukingan, kaya siguro nauso ang GM. pero kapag nagsireplyan naman, siya lang ang nirereplyan mo. may tama ka!
3. kapag nangungumusta ka na ng mga tao sa mga common friend/s niyo, tapos siya yung laging hinuhuli o ikalawa sa huli mo'ng kinakamusta, para di halatang atat ka'ng may malaman sa kanya. pero obvious naman kasi siya yung may pinakamahabang conversation.
2.kapag ginogoogle mo ang pangalan niyat tuwing wala ka'ng makita sinusubukan mo naman ang nickname niya, kung wala pa rin, ang palagay mo'ng nickname niya, school na pinanggalingan, work na pinagtra(tra)bahuhan. minsan kapag nakita mo'ng maraming results, pindot agad ng image. sabay print o di kaya save sa computer.
1. kapag dinedeny mo sa sarili mo'ng crush mo siya, kahit na 6 or more sa mga nabanggit ay guilty ka.