faded depressions

solitary

02/08/2008

color pen and paper

i was so faded last night, not because of the fair but because of somewhere else. after sandy asked a very big favor from me, which i really mean big (but not as big as brian though), we went to tomato kick a nearby pub in up village to get some drinks. brian and sandy just decided to get a bottle. while i got more. nothing as usual. i just wanted to get tipsy because i am having hard time of sleeping these past days. but it seemed like i exceeded my limits and still having the hang of it as i walked into work earlier.

anyhow, we were the chill type crowd, not really the party people type. normally, a couch, a bucket of beer, some finger food and lots of talk are basically the main ingredients of a blasting night for us. some might call us boring. but i really like the conversations we have and i find it more productive. although i must admit, we also dance thats if worst comes to worst especially if we are already drunk. go figure.

one of the highlights of our conversation was depression. along with it, it actually surprised me how depression attacks people all of a sudden. not because i never felt it but because of the intensity of its effects and how it varries to each individual. there are moments in which you feel very happy and then in a snap you'll just find yourself silent and depressed. the absurd thing is that most of the time, you wouldn't really know where is it coming from and this makes you more depress.

i know friends and relatives who actually seeked psychological help and medication because of severe depression, the type in which its actually affecting their everyday life and even their relationships to others. I know that going to a psychologist nowadays are just normal. but i find it quite rare especially in the philippines.

what i noticed about most people is that they tend to exaggerate depression. i believe that depression is normal and natural. it is basically essential for us to value and appreciate happiness more. but aside from the clinical depression type, i find most people actually exagerrating it. usually, there are people who tend to over analyze the reasons of their depression by adding up and branching out other non-related burdens. while some would actually create their own problems just to feel depress without formulating a way to resolve it internally. these are things that i really don't understand. probably, indeed, we find pleasure in hurting ourselves unconsciously. i really don't know.

whenever i feel depress, i tend to attack it alternatively. rather than allowing myself to be engulfed with such emotion. normally, i would grab my sketch pad and draw or go else where and meet my friends. i tend to shy away from the feeling by doing something else especially because i am living alone. but of course, its always a case to case basis.

for most people who suffer this condition, it seemed like they are carrying the entire world's burdens on their shoulder. there would actually be people who have just accepted the fact that there case sould no longer be resolve. some would engage into suicide. while some would isolate themselves from the rest. hopeless at it may seems but i think there are lots of people that has relatively bigger problems than theirs.

i remember a book of cris martinez' titled last order sa penguin, where a girl selling roses confronted one of the main characters of the story. she said, "buti nga kayo ang pinoproblema niyo ay pagkakaroon ng karelasyon. samantalang ako prinoproblema ko kung saan ako hahanap ng kakainin namin para bukas (you're rather fortunate because you are only thinking on how to have a relationship. while me, i am actually thinking where to find food for tomorrow)."

indeed, it struck me how we tend to look the gravity of our problems in a very "petty" way and how we can be so selfish to others. then i realized that for us to be able to experience happiness and surpass our own depressions, we just simply need to learn how to be contended on what we have and share to others whatever is in excess. simple yet ideal. but still its so damn practical.

oh, i just wish i could share to others my hang over. its just too much to bear.