Thursday, November 15, 2012

discreet and fear

"hindi ako takot, discreet lang ( I am not scared. I am just discreet)"

way back, i always believed that the reason why some gay guys chose to be discreet is because they are simply scared. they behave and act based from what is expected or to simply put it to blend in, which is probably the most effective means to protect one self.

but would it be possible for someone to be discreet without being scared?

perhaps, i am one of those fortunate enough to have walk this route of life and met people not everyone has the chance to: or perhaps they have, but failed or refused to recognized them.

many would argue that life is simply composed of bilinear concepts. two fundamental elements that compose life: good and bad, black and white, man and woman. several years ago, the introduction of a wide spectrum brought about the introduction of several colors, which in turned caused massive arguments, even until now.

but what makes it surprising is how an emerging concept sprout even in between these struggling spectrum.   its as if it is continuously giving birth; as long as there is someone who will contemplate about it. many societies have discovered various preferences from gay to transvestite, transgender, bisexual, asexual to straight-acting, tripper, top, bottom, versatile, effem, butch, fairies and it seems like the classifications are endless. its interesting how from labels it transgress to preferences. how it creates political mistakes, modern sensitivities and even quasi-confusions bring about argument, debates with the end goal of introducing newer perspectives. its interesting how life will no longer be limited to just two, three, seven nor any definite number  that it has finally reach a range wherein it will eventually becomes endless as long as people will continue to contemplate and understand or even there mere denial.

hence, many would argue that you do not need to cross dress nor to be flamboyant  to say you are gay, which could probably be the same as saying: you can be discreet without being scared.

however, the mere claim of being "discreet" connotes several meanings. by definition, to be discreet is to be hidden. regardless, of reasons, the mere recognition of being one would mean that s/he is uncomfortable of revealing something. but i guess, this would not necessary say that someone is already scared.  or probably i am just contemplating on the statement too much, which was simply uttered out of the loss of a better term.

or am i?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

two years

why stay in a relationship if you know its bound to end?

how long have they been together?

two years.

makes sense. 

what do you mean?

it seemed like two years have started to be a dreaded figure for some of my committed friends. it is like the new dropping curve for every relationship. and honestly, it is also beginning to alarm most people we know.

initially, images of friends with their partners, in their own ways, have striven to bring light among dying hopes and pessimism to most of us. beyond any chemistry and silent mushiness, it is already a delight just to have a mental picture of them. and even if we refuse to admit it, we have those little images, hiding underneath our cold pillows, which we go back to before we set sail for another dream each night.

then it becomes everyone's  dream to be in a somehow similar situation. who wouldn't? they understand the same means on how to overcome insecurities, trust and even infidelity issues. they know how to maintain a good  and never ending conversations and they can even see and understand beyond each other's imperfections.

how over the years they have stayed away from the complexities of these kinds of relationships that rot, probably the strongest foundations and just simply enjoyed it.

but its not easy, ewik. it takes a lot of maturity to own this, i remember one of them telling me this.

and then when we thought it was just about it, no one expected the worst thing coming: falling out of love.

i think they need to talk to clarify things. thats the problem when people act based from their assumptions. if they have already been together for that long, how difficult could it be to ask?

you know, even if my friend learned that his partner is not actually cheating, i guess it is already too late. he already cheated and started falling out of it.  

there was just so many things going on on this story. the guy is cheating because he feels that his partner does. he is cheating because he feels the abrupt and unexplainable coldness. or perhaps he is cheating because he is falling out of their relationship.

there will probably be a hundred more reasons, depending on whose perspective you will look at it. but at the end, i guess it will still be the same sad picture because no one was brave enough to know and ask why.

i never did find out where we were that day. 
He only said days with me were boring...
That we should end it... 
One day we might start over. 
For him "starting over" has many meanings.
- Lai Yiu-fai, Happy Together (1997)

so why do they still stay?

hope, regardless if its true, false or however you may define it, is simply the safest way to respond to uncertainties; with the least possible consequence of getting hurt. we hope not because we want the truth. in fact, we hope because we acknowledge the truth but too scared of what it may bring to us.

we stay because we hope. we hope because we fear of what will happen for each step we take. for some, they hope and stay because they are  waiting; waiting for that certainty that will draw them out from that empty silence.

some call it rebound, some say it is being selfish. but i guess thats just how life direct each one of us from avoiding hurt and finding their individual happiness.

besides, happiness could probably be the most synonymous word to being relative.

in an economic perspective though, some may treat a relationship as an investment. and the denial of acknowledging loss makes many people to stay and eventually hope for the promise of regaining it back. but can we actually bind such by figures, indexes and value? or by trend, demand and

i guess, at the end of the day, there is no better way of dealing it than completely embracing truth or probably, by bravely addressing it to the other party at the beginning rather than keeping it to oneself and just hope when it is already late. too late.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

ang ikaklit sa aming hardin

how to have a relatively gender sensitive society?

start with the children. 

give and read to your brother, sister, son, daughter, nephew, niece, and/or friend the story of "IKAKLIT," the story of a family.

book launching: ikaklit sa aming hardin 

story by bernadette v. neri and illustration by cj de silva
september 13, 2012
3:00 - 5:00 pm
cm recto hall, college of arts and letters,
up diliman, quezon city


for signed copies, please email me at

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

a realist take on hope

They say hope is important to keep one going. It keeps him centered and focused with a certain aspiration of eventually achieve something; despite the sheer absence of its possibilities and/or presence of obstacles and challenges.

Hope fuels persuasion and hard work but at the same time it can also prolong agonies and sorrows. Hence, it makes one wonder, where do you draw that line between still hoping and finally surrendering and move on?    

Most of the time, what makes moving on difficult is no longer the feelings you have or had with the person rather it is more into one’s confrontation with change. Our attachments with patterns and routines have chained us within the comfort zone that we have built together with that person.  

Bottomline: we are just scared of what is ahead--- alone; that for the first time again, we are subject to this fear of starting over and going back to square one. And regreting everything we had invested, gained and practically, enjoyed. At the end, it makes us restless realizing that the feeling is a concoction of both that nagging fear and concentrated frustration that chain us from something we kept refusing to admit as over.   

Sometimes, concern to that person is no longer brought about by what many ‘believed’ to be affection, but more of an unconscious effort of one’s sense of self-preservation to justify hope and simply avoid change.     

But before people start identifying me more of a pessimist rather than a realist, I guess, my point being is  one needs to realize that its no longer hope if it hurts, that it is no longer hope if the mutual journey "now," is vaguer than its initial destination. People should know when to know if the hope for that relationship is already exhausted and when the building of another hope timely begins.  

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

why i chose to draw with pens

on a supposed to be busy monday, i saw myself just staring blankly at my desk. i hear my phone endlessly ringing, people chattering, and my email profusely alarming.

its a bit odd for someone as visual as me to actually notice these. so i tried plunging on the difference. i  put my headset and played a cynthia alexander album on.

comfort in your strangeness. perfect!


i randomly reached a pen and started scribbling. funny how the lines and strokes fell on their places. how it decides its own length, how it figure out where to curve and how it weaved itself with the rest of the other lines.

eventually, the randomness turned its back from absence.


who can tell if they were really supposed to be there? who can say if they should be thin or thick? black or of a different color? or if its good or bad.

"why don't you use a pencil?" a friend wondered while he was staring at how i drew one boring afternoon.

"i guess, i am just more comfortable using pens," i answered.

"e, what if you made a mistake?"

"then i own it."

he startled.

"you take the mistake and make something out of it, that is the beauty of being imperfect. you just have to be brave enough not to hesitate because the moment you do, you will never know what is up ahead. and i guess, in this life, regret is the only thing worst than being selfish."

and for that, thank you for making me draw again.

Monday, March 19, 2012

compilations: 15 gloomiest entries

15. on thinking and moving (please click the title for the actual post)

solitary, color pen and paper

the face that i wore for each day i struggled to see you--- i never lose myself to desperation.

ink & paper

sa alaala,
doon ka nagsimula

isang buwan, isang linggo
at tatlong araw
ang gunita mo'y patuloy na umaalingangaw

"in the eyes of a stalker"
ms paint

moving on is not a matter of forgetting, rather its the process of coming up with simple acceptance and empty memories.

ink and paper
september 2009

they talked a lot of things along the way, probably the lengthiest conversation they had for the day. they talked about work, family, taking responsibilities and materializing dreams. for a moment, K felt that they are no longer kids anymore. but what made him moved was the fact that they never really talked about the past, their experiences before, or what was between them--- exactly a decade ago, on one of those humid summer nights, when their raging confusions rushed and engulfed them.

if K can only wish life to be seen in both perspectives just like in the movies.

K bet it will make living a little less complicated.

if only...

chasing time
ink and paper
october 2009

it was that night ,
when i thought that the silence between us will be clearer
but when you stood up from bed the next day,
without looking back,
i then realized that it was still a dream that i kept on believing at

outside this building
ink and paper

minsan, hindi mahalaga kung sino ang taong nananakit sa atin, ang mas importante ay kung bakit natin hinahayaang masaktan tayo.

paper and color pencil

sometimes, even the stars in a clear moonless night is not enough to cradle you to sleep. neither a kiss nor a hug would assure you of tomorrow. for even the most genuine romance falls short to spell out certainty.

(the journey)
ink & paper

we hammer promises with our imperfections, we break them into pieces because of our shortcomings. but at the end, its our own guilt that eats us.

"blue and happy"
oil on canvas with etching
june 20, 2007

minsan tuloy naisip ko, sa ganitong buhay hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mas dapat, ang maging malandi pero panandalian o maging matino pero iniiwan?

"been there, done that"
8"x 11.5"
crayon etching
january 15, 2008

probably, this what makes it special. what makes everything unpredictable, a treasure. and why most people are also scared to take the risk. for its strips you off of all your hesitations to a point where you feel you're already bare and vulnerable. then you tend to cover yourself with what have been its remains. endlessly thinking that either you're giving in to much or you're offering nothing at all. but at the end of it, its funny for we still are hopefuls.

" fantasya"
ms paint
last night i dreamed of you--- again

then i suddenly realized that

you will always be the memory

that i will perpetually fall in love with...

until the day the apparition of the prophecy

stands in front of me.

at the end, ink & paper, february 2008

no one really said that being young assures us of not getting hurt. in fact, it is actually on that condition that leave us most vulnerable. hence, never be scared of falling because it is on that dive where the real life starts.

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

underneath the bed
ink and paper

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

for those who have hold their silence forever
ink and paper
its funny how the place reminded me of J so much. though i dont remember us being here before. the place was deserted. there were a pair of bowing angels made in cold concrete, tainted broken glass panes, and an empty bench under a weeping tree.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


i feel guilty whenever i visit my blog and recall all the memories i used to write in it.

i feel guilty because its not as active as it was before.

i feel sad for my recent entries for they seemed forced.

just to have something to post.

i feel sad when i write something in it just because i feel down.

funny, how change makes you realize how you are so not ready for it, after crying so long for it to happen before.

well i guess, now, i have more reasons to write again--- to write for this change, and the change to change this change.

*now, feeling better.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

in vino

"i like you," those were the words i heard as i drew my face near the shadow that grabbed me from my P7 bacardi coke and mojito.

"how about introducing myself first?" i said.

the shadow smiled.

"james, and you are?"



A introduce himself as swedish, who was with another swedish friend (who A later revealed to be A's lawyer).

"care for another round of drinks for you and your friends? my treat."

but before i could refuse, A immediately went to the bar to get us a round of tequila. when A went back, all of my friends were already screaming, dancing off-beat and sweating profusely.
it was the first time, i saw them these loose. but i cannot blame them for we have drunk our three nights limit that night.

it was indeed a very wild night. honestly, no one can even remember clearly what happened. everyone has their own story of another.

someone had to carry someone from station 2 to the end of station 1, marking the entire trail of with what he had for dinner.

someone knelt on his bed and peed on his pillow.

someone almost lost his iphone but lucky enough to retrieve it after bravely slipping his hand inside another person's pocket after hearing it ring.

while someone had the chance to touch a couple of guys' 6 packs abs just to decide whose nicer.

it was just crazy.

"wanna go out from here?"

"i think i need to attend to my friend first. he is already wasted."

"you are just a sweetheart."

please. i am just not fond of compliments.
not our friend. hahaha!

"i don't know if i would take that as a compliment though."

"you should and seriously i like you," A repeated.

"just excuse my friend. A has a tendency to reiterate something A wants to point out, especially when the person also has the tendency not to believe it." then C winked.

"i bet you two are really good friends."
then we all laughed. A still insisted but the picture of my friends already slumbering in front of the comfort room was something my conscience could not really bear. but before we called it a night, A requested a favor.

"can i borrow your phone for a second?"

realizing the place to be a bit crowded and it would difficult for anyone to make a quick escape, i handed it over.

it was some digits and an email address. but what really caught my attention was As complete name.

a complete name:



and family name.

then it struck me.


honesty is just a breather nowadays, especially in a place where everything was supposed to be kept hidden.

thank you for the smile. appreciate it guys while is still genuine.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

how am i?

i guess this is the time of the year when everyone turns back to where they have started. and i will not deny the fact that its been a while since i have posted an entry here.

it has been two years since i have decided to come up with a lifelist. and surprisingly, i was able to accomplish most of it. and while drafting this, i was able to cross out another one.

a saving's account. thanks to my boss who is trying to be a father to me for more than a year now. he ordered our finance manager to open me up one and argued that i need to be mature enough to think of my future. you will not believe what he tells me everyday at work, on top of business.

for the past months, i am just busy with work. probably, because i already have a team to manage and did not realize how difficult it is.

basically, i go to work at 8 and usually leave by 9 or 11 in the evening; that is from monday to saturday. but despite these, i am not complaining. in fact, if i did not write this post i will not realize that i have been doing this for the longest time now. lets just say i am simply enjoying what i am doing now because of what i have experienced before with the jobs that i really did not like doing (which i also chose not to dwell anymore).

last weekend, i had the chance to go to singapore and watch a broadway play that i always wanted to see, aside from rent and the phantom of the opera. it was wicked. the play just left me wordless whenever someone ask how was it. it was just too nice to be spoiled. but the trip also made me realize, a number of things i never expected will happen at least to me.
traversing this rich city opened me to a lot of things and even the possibility of working abroad, which i never really entertained before. the city provides almost everything a young professional would dream of, which simply equates to a more promising career. but beyond this, i decided not to be very hasty with my decision. try not to go with what other young people like me did.

honestly, my boss was a bit hesitant in allowing me to go to singapore. i knew he feared that i may not come back like what happened to his staff before me.

i am not even sure if what he told me was just to convince not to go or stay in singapore. but what he pointed at has some truth on it. he believes that the reason many young filipino professionals fail in singapore and returns back is because of lack of experience. most of them just risk going there after graduating because of the promise of a good opportunity without really equiping them with the right sets of skills and expertise. so having that in mind, i guess its will be just an open option for me. something that i could always go back to if worst comes to worst and if i already have the right skill sets and experience.

but it also made me think that i should travel more often. see the world more. a new lifelist for this year came in mind. 3 abroad and 5 (new) local destinations. luckily, someone asked me to do some "surprising engagements" in boracay next month. and regardless, how absurd it was, who can refuse an all expense paid trip?
after this, i am planning for another backpacking adventure in mindanao. i have only been to mindanao once. it was cagayan de oro last august, Eid al-Fitr to be exact. but it was more of a work engagement so i was not able to enjoy the place at all. hopefully, my itinerary and the people who are suppose to go with me (you know who you guys are), will push through. in fact, i have already my itinerary booklet prepared since last year. i have this thing with preparing itinerary booklets for each trip. see?
however, please be guided that i have no plans of turning my blog to a travel blog. let's just say i am widening my places to wander for wonders.

'til next time and take it easy, guys.