" you must carry on with your responsibilities, erik," a friend told me this last night after dinner.
the phrase indeed shook and moved me because for the record, it was my first time to be said with this.
responsibility, is such a big word for me. my parents, from the very start, raised us without any rules and let us live our lives based on what we wanted it to be. nonetheless, it is very clear to us, although not said, to take responsibilities on whatever consequences that may go along with the actions and decisions we make.
i find this method very effective for the very belief that the more you regulate someone, the more s/he will rebel. basically, you just need to allow somebody to find the value of something by himself because it is always a case-to-case basis. the lesson you have learned for a particular experience might different with what others may encounter.
going back, as i grow up, i tend to put my best foot forward in everything i do or atleast, i thought it was. making it also harder for me to give up something that i have commited with. no wonder i am still staying on my bad habits---hehehe. i was able to juggle myself to quite difficult and head wrecking decisions, commitments and situations before, believe me. but the position where i am at now, is harder and more complicated than what i used to have or probably i am also just over reacting. for me, its a paradox: the easier it sounds, the more difficult for it to handle.
everytime i take a step into something different, something would go on its way. then it would loop back again to square one. though i recognize that its just actually myself who is preventing me from doing it. it is just damn hard to address and accept it.
i might sound pretty loose in writing this. but it seemed like, generally, we are quite irrational when dealing with ourselves. its like fighting your own shadow but its still you who is receiving your own blow.
oh, i just wish that, one of these days a bigger mass would hit my head. then i will just give up. unfortunately, that previous statement was not that sufficient enough to change me and now i am shaking it off again.