its the first day of the year 2008 and most of the people i knew felt how time swiftly passed by. some felt happy because it is something to look forward to. some felt sad because they have gained another year of their age. but for me, it is a combination of both. i felt bad because i felt like that the previous year was something not really that fruitful compare to the other years i have had. i have took a break from law school and wasn't able to fulfill atleast half of the plans i have designed for for that year. on the other hand, i am still being optimmistic: holding on the possibility that something better will happen to me for this year.
last night, i have spent my new year's eve with a couple of friends drinking in their place. after knocking out a case of beer around 2 in the morning, i have already excused myself since i need to go to work early the next morning (how pathetic is that?). with alcohol still running in me, i have had the hardest time of catching sleep. there were lot of things that sporadically crossing my head. basically, the thing that bothered me was the fact that i wasn't able to leave my personal baggages behind the previous year and started the new year with a brighter light. personal baggages that were composed of the following:
first, a worthless career. after my holiday vacation i was convinced that i really wanted to resign and get myself another job. but the thing was i still don't have enough savings or any fall backs if i am going to pass my resignation. although my job is not fulfilling nor related to any of my interest and course, i have learned to love my job considering my a-year-and-a-half-stay in the company. i really did, believe me. but then i realized that no matter how you love doing something if you don't see or feel any progress in it eventually you have to give it up. now, i am decided to pursue a fulfilling career regardless of its financial status hopefully by the end of the month, i will be able to file my resignation and find myself a new fulfilling job.
second, a fucked up relationship. i have been in a commited relationship for almost 3 months now. the longgest i could say since it was my first (hehehe, no sense of saying it, i know. since i don't have anything to compare it with under the same context). just last weekend, we've met and stayed in my room over the rest of our off. we've spent it the usual. watched over dvds which we separately hoarded in quiapo the other day, made delivery orders to pig out, make out and talked. it was almost a month back then since the last time we have seen each other.
although we knew that we missed each other very much, at the back of my head i still felt something lacking and cold between the both of us. i don't really know if it was a problem with me being paranoid or its just the real case. but i felt i need to know it.
suddenly, i found myself asking stupid "what-if"questions like "what if we split up?", "what if i asked you for a cool off?" and other what ifs to that effect. i know it was something really stupid to ask but i just want to find the reaction and what will i feel if my partner would agree with the proposal.
basically, i wanted to feel pain that time just to affirm if i really do love my partner. honestly speaking up to now, i am still torn apart of being confused of myself or in doubt of what my partner really feels to me. my partner began punching my arms and silly threatening me if i dare to do so. for a second, i felt a sudden affirmation. end of the discussion.
after we part our ways, i sent a short message apologizing. i received a message asking "why?". i have replied back, referring of what i did and the coldness i felt when we were together. after that i havent received any messages at all. i regularly sent messages and even tried making a call. but i receive no response. no new year greeting, no good morning, good afternoon or good evening messages. i got really worried. then, i though tof two things: first, probably because of the sucky network over the weekends and holidays. while the second actually disturbed me. i thought of my partner abruptly leaving me. i felt really really bad that moment. i was about to cry if not for my friends that were still around. it was the pain that i was looking for before and now, a wish i regret making.
and finally, a very vague direction in life. before, i thought being a care-free person was the only attribute that i wouldn't dare surrender. for it was the only thing that makes me, me. it defines my individuality and rears my humanity against the mechanic nature of my environment.
but i was wrong. i realized that this is not only scene that i needed to consider to complete the entire picture. when you begin to grow, you begin to gain more responsibilities. these are duties that go beyond your personal self and extend to your fellow and into a larger scope. since life is a chain of interdependent individuals, each of us moves in relation to another and vice versa. the despite we deny changes, changes will always be inevitable and we need to accept and go along with it.