i never kept a journal or a diary during that time, because i find it very highly maintainance aside from the fact that i am not really fond of writing by hand. in addition, there would probably a dozen times that somebody was able to get hold of my diary and read it. just imagine the embarassment that you need to bear knowing that somebody knew something very private for you. its like somebody saw you completely naked and there is nothing else you could do, but to give in (hmmm..this sounds wrong).
i am very private person. i am not comfortable sharing or discussing personal things about myself. although i love reminiscing, i have a memory as small as a goldfish (that normally last around 3 seconds). so i have no other option but to keep something that would bring me back to those tracks whenever i wanted to. then i have thought of this, sketch pads. instead of writing down my everyday entries, i decided to sketch them. i found sketching more favorable than writing my entries word by word. because when i sketch i draw figures and images that represent particular ideas, events, persons or emotions that only i could know and understand. compare to the latter that exposes the specificities of something up to the smallest detail/s.
ever since i have started this sketch pad, it really didn't bother me anymore if other people would look at it or whatever. because i know they wouldn't really understand it anyway or if they did they wouldn't get the entire and specific picture of it. most of my entries, if i may say, were composed of plates that i have created whenever i feel depressed. i think most artists were correct when they've said that its easier for one to create his/her piece whenever s/he is depressed and hurting.
i presented my entries in a manner where i could easily recall those feelings the moment i look at them. eventually, i become so comfortable of keeping them that i have produced atleast six of it at present.
three months back, i remembered holding my last sketch pad and began sketching an entry. for some reasons, i found myself without anything to draw. i tried drawing lines, scribbles, shapes, faces, figure almost anything that my pen (unlike other people i know, i don't use pencils) could create. but at the end, i found each pages of my pad torn from it, crumpled and off to the trash can. page by page, hours have passed and i haven't been able to finish a single entry. it occured to me that probably i am losing my touch of making the same sketches i previously had. it bothered me for some time, knowing that those three months were the times where i was at the peak of my emotions and events that happened were ought to be placed somewhere in my pad. i tried going back on it, day by day.but no matter how hard i try, i just end up wasting the sheets of my pad.i thought of giving myself a break, a week or so. then i went back on sketching again---same thing. i tried a couple of weeks to a month---no change. until i eventually forgot my sketch pad and was preoccupied with other matters in particular with my former relationship.
last night, i came home earlier than usual. since i got no message from my friends of going out or something. it made me more sad feeling that i am alone inside an empty room without anyone to talk to or anything to do but to nail myself on my bed and watched a movie i have already watched thrice. talking about being emo(tional---hahahaha).
then, i saw my sketch pad again, lying at the side of the dvd player. i reached it and browsed each of the entries i have done. i grabbed my pen and began sketching. at first, i was still on doubt of continuing it. since i was not liking it. but decided to pursue it till the end. eventually, i felt everything went back on me: the styles, strokes, shadings, concepts, everything. in a way, i felt myself, my old self again. after few hours, finally, i have finished my first entry and felt myself again for the longest time.