broke

shoot! my camera's memory card just broke. why such things would happen during the time you needed them most?
yesterday, i realized that its been a long time since i've posted something about everyday scenes which was the original plan of this blog after my camera phone broke.
so i went out and began taking pictures of various interesting and most of the time taken for granted everyday scenery using my camera.
i had quite a number of shots: vagrant couples who were sleeping on the door step of an abandoned building along katipunan avenue with three dogs that seemed to be considered as their children. the kid who was singing and asking for change at the entrance of the mrt station in quezon avenue and a number of waking up families living inside carts parked along kamias road every morning.
the shots were actually nice. but when i was about to extract them to the computer, its giving me errors, errors, errors and tons of errors. i tried sending it to an internet shop, hoping to atleast get those files. but the internet shop guy just told me the same thing and more, that even formatting is not allowed by the memory card. i concluded, the memory card was already corrupted.
buying a new memory card is not the problem, its the files that were stored there! argh!

tabak

today, january 30, 2008, the tanghalang bayan ng kabataan sa baguio (tabak-baguio), a baguio wide theater organization and the only theater organization in up baguio, that promotes a nationalist, scientific, mass oriented and creative culture through braecthian theater is celebrating their 23rd anniversary.
every student from this university has their own memories of this organization especially during their freshman years. who would forget, ang pakikipagsapalaran ni juan dela cruz? a satyric play about the story of each UP baguio freshman students that depicts their primary journey from passing upcat, admission, enrollment, looking for houses, the everyday life in the university and the social issues that awaits them as bagong iskolar ng bayan.
for me, you are not from UP baguio if you don't know tabak. although i may say that tabak-baguio has their ups and downs. nonetheless compare to other organizations just spawned the university, they've remained, survived and strongly willed to continue.
i have my own share of colorful memories and experiences within this organization. i met a lot of people and even gained handful of my closest friends from here. i remember my first audition as a visual artist for it has four pools: writers, theater, visual arts and music pool. i passed the audition and remained to be an active member during my entire stay in college. eventually, i just found myself acting in theater, writing scripts and even spearheaded a musical album a couple of years back. thus, i was really thankful to tabakl for it brought me to other potentialities or fields that i didn't realize would be possible. this i am speaking not only on my behalf but to other individuals too that were able to discover their artistic side.
in relation with their 23rd anniversary celebration, tanghalang bayan ng kabataan sa baguio will mount a theater play entitled, katigong palasya (featuring a prinsesang hindi tumatawa ni louie sevilla) in february 27 to 29, 2008 6 pm at the bulwagang juan luna, university of the philippines-baguio, governor's pack road, baguio city.

tv spoiler: coffee prince

i don't watch telenovelas. but last weekend was an exception. i've spent my entire day off to watch one.

i remember that before i swore that jewel in the palace would be the last telenovela that i am going to watch. but due to persistent suggestions of my friends to watch another korean telenovela, coffee prince, i just found myself buying a copy and watch it for the entire weekend.
probably whoever coined that term, peer pressure, wasn't able to make it and say the word twice.

the story is about a girl who carried over the the responsibility of being the head of the family after her father died. she works for various jobs from doing food delivery, teaching taekwondo for kids, stitching eyes for stuffed toys,peeling chestnuts and literally everything that could earn her money. then he met a turning 30 year old, arrogant, happy-go-lucky bachelor who was being forced by his dying grandmother to get married and settle a business. it started with a very bad acquaintance and with the physical characteristics of the girl, she was mistook for a boy. eventually, there stubborness somehow made them work well along until the guy was forced by her grand mother to take over an about to crumble coffee shop and triple the investment in a three month span for him to prove himself. obviously, he employed the girl. but the main twist was the coffee shop only employs males to follow the name of the bar, coffee prince. afraid of being fired, the girl kept her identity and remained pretending to be a boy. what she didn't expect was she found herself falling for the guy and same thing with the guy to her.

almost everything about the story has the same ingredients. in particular with the highschool formula: the more you hate, the more you love. but what was nice about it was it tackled a lot of gender issues that transcend from the limitation of heterosexual relationships. it depicted not only the issue of the abused women. but also tackled the emotional male, the tendencies to fall in love with the same sex, and the inevitability of society to accept such relationships.

at the end, it just came into me that it is possible that the original draft of the story intends it as a man-to-man relationship. but since the majority of the target audience are still heterosexuals, they adapted it into the format that would still be watched by the general public. nonetheless, it was still able to execute it with effecient gender sensitity and atleast exceeded my expectations.

(un)comfort room

the most unfortunate thing happened to me yesterday. after work, i headed to cubao to meet some friends which i haven't seen for a while. i was really excited that time that i even didn't finished some reports that my supervisor assigned me to do. i rode mrt from quezon avenue to cubao, which as usual was like hell. but i didn't allow my enthusiasm to be left inside the cart together with my arm and entire dignity, as i struggled to go outside the train.
i was texting them every minute, asking where they were and kept on reminding them that we were going to meet in starbucks outside araneta coliseum and not the one inside gateway. i know, i was quite persisent and exaggerately excited. but i was just concerned because they were coming from makati and they were not that familiar about the area. then suddenly, while i was walking along the overpass that bridged farmers and gateway, i felt an alarming chill and cold sweats pouring out my entire body. it was mother nature calling.
i've tried controlling it and thought of other things, thinking and telling myself: mind over matter, mind over matter and more mind over matter tantras. believing that it would just passed away without me noticing it. i thought, what my friends would look like now, if they have new updates about their lives and even imagined them with somebody by that time i reach the coffee shop. but it seemed like mother nature was something uncontrollable this time. something you could not hold with all all of your efforts. it was like big waves of tsunami that not even the great wall of china could block. the entire picture forced me to think fast.
i immediately walked inside gateway and thought of the pay comfort room at the third floor. it is clean, complete with all the life saving toiletries and not all mall goer go there. most people prefer the comfort room at the top floor. since the one at the third floor is asking for P10 for every use. then, i felt a higher level of urgency on my situation. i was already making ballerina steps while walking.
but despite of this, i forced myself to drag my body to the comfort room in time. it was like carrying a ticking bomb that needs to be detonated on time. i even almost forgot the change for P100 that i handed over to the bored-with-her-life lady infront of the doors. there were only two people inside the comfort room when i went in. one was lathering lotion on both of his arms. probably just relieved from the same situation. while the other one was the maintanance crew who asked for the ticket. i immediately looked for an empty cubicle. then pulled a generous length of tissue paper and wiped the seat (its a mortal sin to forget and not do this. since there are still a lot of people who doesn't know the purpose of the toilet seat), pulled off my pants which took me almost a minute just to pull off my so-complicated belt), and then widely embraced relief.i was about to cry when relief completely devoured me.
suddenly, while i was pushing the last tidbits of my burden, i saw a sudden movement of a silhoutte. i tried looking down on the floor, where the movement was coming. the floor was very shiny dark with silverish accents. indeed, very clean and tidy. but i almost dropped my jaw on what i have found out. the floor was so clean that it was beginning to reflect the guy on the next cubicle. i was so disturbed that it was no longer a shadow but mere reflection. you could barely see the details of the guy on the next cubicle: how he stood up. what part of his thigh did he hang his pants and what he was doing while sitting on the throne (he was texting).
with all these pictures running into my mind, i just forgot the whole entire cleansing process. the most disturbing part of it all was, the guy stopped from texting and he actually waved his hands. that was my queu. i need to go as quickly as i can. good thing i haven't forgotten to clean myself. i was actually already looking at my own reflection, cautious on how i will pull up my pants and fix myself.
by the time, i reached starbucks and meet my friends. they were surprised that i was so quiet the whole time.

differences(?)

while i was walking home alone yesterday. i passed by two women sitting on a bench facing back of the road in up diliman. one was laying her head on the other girl's lap, holding hands. the girl who was sitting has a shorter hair. while the girl who was resting her head on the other girl's lap was wearing a pony tail.
the girl with a shorter hair began leaning her face and reaching the other girl's forehead by her lips. while the girl with the pony tail was just clossing her eyes, giggling and anticipating the kiss. then the girl with the shorter hair would pull her face up and then starts leaning back again. as if torturing the laying girl with anticipation.
observing them, i have noticed that people who was passing across were not really paying any attention at all on what they were doing.
then, i remembered a friend, h. one day when we were walking along the same area, we saw the same scene but a different pair. she pointed the couple to me and said, she finds it really cute seeing two girls making out (if its proper to use the term). she added, she finds it very sincere seeing such. then i thought, would it be different to see two men, doing the same.
although i remember that i never bothered to ask her this, it just came to me.assuming it is actually different, what makes lesbian relationships more tolerable and sincere than gay relationships?
i've read, heard and seen various issues regarding man-to-man relationships. usually, it is comprises of infidelity, open relationships or inexclusivity, lack or absence of faith, and even abuse and violence. though i am not generalizing the idea that these doesn't happen among woman-to-woman relationships. but i just find it more blatant among in the former. in addition, basing from experience, i also noticed that relationships last longer among my lesbian friends than my gay friends.
then, i have formulated these assumptions:
first, patriarchy.
predominantly the filipino society is patriarchal. although filipino women nowadays are beginning to make and mark their ways into institutions that were once male dominated and vise versa, it could still not be denied that consciously or unconsciously, most of us still believe that men are above women.
men, whether reared through family or by society, has integrated to themselves the believe they should always be in control. thus, the concept of machismo comes in. the more partners you have regardless if this is of opposite or same sex, the more it uplifts your ego. i assume, this might be one factor why infidelity is rampant among men.
women, on the other hand, don't have a counterpart of this attribute. the closest you could get would probably be feminism. but i doubt it. since it is still under a different context. women could be considered as more affectionate, sentimental and emotional. thus, valuing their partner is always at the top of their list when it comes to relationship.
but then again, i am reiterating, this is in GENERAL, not all.
second, religion. aside from patriarchy, catholicism would probably be the next most dominant characteristic about the philippine society or probably it would the other way around. basically, one of the doctrines of catholicism states that sex outside of marriage is a sin. so contextualizing it, sex outside of marriage with the same sex is probably spelling an instant-one-way-ticket-to-hell.
but come to think of it, this religious rule or law weights differently between men and women. if a man had sex with his married wife and he is no longer a virgin, it wouldn't really matter. because society is pointing out that there is no way to prove it to begin with. but if a woman had sex with her married husband and she didn't bleed on their first night, and from here prejudices arise. she is immediately considered immoral, infidel, unpure and even unworthy of marrying. never would society accept the possibility that what if her husband happens to have a very small penis or probably the woman is a ballerina or a biker in which as simple as those activities could lasserate the hymen.
living with this belief, it might be safe to believe that men are more eager or sympathetic in having sex with others because basically, they have nothing to lose. while women regardless if she is a heterosexual or homosexual, values her virginity or atleast more hesitant on having sex with someone because of the social consequences that having sex outside marriage entails.
lastly, venues. i remember one time when we went in malate to celebrate my lesbian friend's birthday. we decided to call it her night. since she was single that time. we scanned the entire place, every street, evry alley and even the darkest road in search of a place that would suit her night. but we were surprise to see that there were a lot of establishments that caters to gay men than heterosexuals and even way more compare to lesbians. we ended up going to bed hoping that we could find a partner for her. as expected, we just enjoyed the night and celebrated our friendship instead. it was just later, when i found out a lesbian bar in taft near csb actually exists.
probably the basic point that i am driving at is, compare to lesbians, homosexual men have been successful in establishing various venues in which they could meet and interact with fellow homosexual men as well as finding potential partner/s. they have marked their comfort zone virtually almost everywhere: through the internet, chatting channels, bars, gyms, parks, club houses, cinema houses, malls, and even buses. compare to lesbians in which they are still beginning to establish their own space, or probably strengthening or expanding it, if they already have one.
on the other hand, with the presence of these venues, the more gay men meet, the more they are being vulnerable in commiting infidelity. compare to lesbians in which it is so hard for them to find one. thus, having one is considered as something valuable and worth treasuring.
in conclusion, there is a possibility that we are already aware of all of these, consciously or unconsciously. thus, we may find lesbian relationship more sincere and tolerable than gay relationships. or secondly, it may also be a fact that it so rare for us to see lesbian couples than gay couples that is why we tend to recognize them more tolerable because they are more exclusive and discreet. or lastly, i might be incorrect and probably there are really no difference at all. because in the first place, there context are quite different. thus, it is not proper to compare them.
argh! i don't know. i am already draining my brains out. gender topics for me, are always interesting topics but very difficult one as well.

back pay

this morning i have already talked to my supervisor regarding my resignation. as expected there was the question "why?"
i've already expected that this question will be raised somewhere along the middle. so i've already prepared a brief speech regarding it.
my current supervisor is probably my best boss among the other supervisors that handled me. so, i've wanted to be as honest as i could be. i've told him that i was just fed up with work that i could no longer perform well. he offered me vacation to simmer up the burn out that i am feeling. but i refused. i've told him that it could probably made me more realized not to go to work anymore.
he told me what were my plans after this and i blatantly answered him, i really don't know.
i've mentioned to him that i haven't seen any jobs that i could fall back into yet and probably i could just utilize the back pay that i will receive to support my expenses while i am looking for a job. basically, everything is still unclear, which was so un-me.
good thing, about him was he respected my decision which i am very grateful. nonetheless, he pull out my files into his records and check for something. he explained to me a lot of things. some of which, i have already forgotten. but the point regarding my backpay was the one which alarmed me most.
he discussed to me the breakdown of the backpay. i've learned that the company doesn't offer separation pay. it was basically comprises of unused leaves, the percentage of the days worked over the 13th month and other incentives, in which the 13th month pay has the biggest weight. since i've already received my 13th month pay before the year ended. i have only atleast half a month over the 13th month pay incentive. aside from this, i have already used my leaves during the holidays. thus, roughly i am only getting around P4000 as a backpay. way lower than the regular salary i receive every pay day. i was devastated knowing this. then, i just thought of the expenses that will come to me in the following weeks. how will is survive from that?
prior to this, i've thought of switching to a different working field for the sake of my senses. although it was difficult, i am willing to take the odds, provided that atleast i have some money to cover up my expenses. but after knowing this, my decision of resigning is shaking.
thus, i opt in changing my game plan. i am going to look first for a stable job. once, i am confirmed then that is the point that i am going to file for an immediate resignation. now, the only problem that i need to settle to is looking for a job.

i wonder if showbusiness would accept me? probably a porn director will do. hehehe.

tribute to heath ledger

some would say that only death would part yourself into something or someone that you are having difficulties with saying 'goodbye' and moving on. the same reason why some people would actually commit suicide or kill somebody for that matter. the cliche line till death do us apart, would best support its basic thought.
earlier i have decided to come in late for my 9 am shift. fortunately,. it was a perfect timing since our supervisor told us that due to some technical difficulties, work loads piled up and most of the people at were work were doing overtime.
when i came in, i still have 45 minutes to slack around my desk and decided to browse and check for my emails. but i was in surprise, when my homepage reads that heath ledger dead at 28.
yes, heath ledger who starred in the movies: the patriot, the brothers grimm, and probably his most known movie brokeback mountain, was found dead on his manhattan apartment naked in bed. officials are still trying to identify the reason of death. although they are looking on the possibility of suicide since there were sleeping pills that were seen beside him, though they are still not concluding it. click here for the news.
i am no hollywood movie goer and probably i only have a list of hollywood celebrities that i could recognize like johhny depp, orlando bloom, salma hayek, cameroon diaz, drew barimore and of course, heath ledger. i couldn't even recognize brook shields on first glance. since the only fil i could remember about her was blue lagoon.
anyhow, heath ledger would probably one of the most versatile and edgy actors that i have seen in the hollywood arena. as far as i have heard he was actually playing the role of joker in the next batman movie. and it was such a waste knowing the news that he just passed away.
i have this theory that if you are a celebrity and you want to be known for ages. the instant way to it, is not by establishing a foundation, building a monument, doing charity works all over the world, or even by putting your name on the celebrity walk of fame. usually, whenever a celebrity is at its peak of his career, then s/he abruptly passed away. expect that his/her name would be known for many many generations. take for example kurt cobain, selena, tupac, marilyn monroe and elvis presley. we also have our local cases for example rico yan, miguel rodriguez and nida blanca to name a few.
our memories of them are always stucked on the peak of their career that is why whenever we remember them, all we could think of is something spectacular about their talent. later on we have this tendencies to exagerrate it and this is passed through over from generatiions to generations. at the end, expect more exxagerrations.
i remember asking my ever-so-bibo-nephew, if he knows elvis presley. he didn't said anything. what he did was he stood up, got a layer of his bangs, twirl it, fold his collar upright and then he made a song and dance number of one of his classics, round'a clock, rock. but when i tried asking him about where he was born, how he died, or even the controversies he was into, he paused for a moment and just continue with his show.
first impresion is lasting. but in reality ,the last scene is always the one that last longer. thus, death will not be the only thing that would make someone or somebody part ways. for the memories thereon will still live and relive. same thing with heath ledger.
for you heath ledger, now, i wish i know how to quit you...more.

change is inevitable

i am decided. i am filing my resignation letter probably today or tomorrow. i am just waiting for my boss to arrive and see from there what would happen.
its been a year and half since i started working for this company and although i don't like the job at first, i was able to learn to love it simply because of the people i am working with and probably the need of having a job that would support myself.
but lately, i've noticed that i am beginning to lose my enthiusiasm for my work (probably, fed up with the same things that you do over and over again, in which there is no more space to develop), friends were also resigning and loopholes regarding the operations of the management wee beginning to be prevalent---surprisingly, it was too obvious not to be noticed. though i am not going to elaborate about the details anymore.
but if there was one thing that i have realized regarding this, it was that no matter how you love your job, if you don't see yourself developing into. eventually, you just have to drop.
it has been a long time since i've thought of resigning. but before i could pass my letter. i have been bothered by second thoughts of bills that needs to be paid: my place, my food, money etc. etc. indeed, money makes the world goes round. i was left with the option that i need to find a work first which i could fall back into once i resign. believe me i did, from that period up until now. i looked for jobs online but it seemed like most of the jobs in the philippines are just BPO or call centers related.
yes, it would give you job for advertising---but my degree is not somehow related into it. it would give you graphic artist---but i don't know how to use photoshop. though. it would show you human resource positions but its requiring atleast 2 years of experiences.
this was one of those times were you begin to regret the degree that you took, that you should have taken a degree that was being taken by the rest of the nation rather than taking something that interests or excites you. well, i still believed that passion for a subject matter during those days
its given that during these days, you don't always get the job that you want (especially if this is a managerial or supervisor position---hehehe). but its quite odd that it seemed like the only job that could be offered for you is only bpo related. unfortunately, you just have to live with it. now, as i am writing this entry, my boss just passed by. there are still hesitations that i need to overcome. but as i usually say it, change is envitable.

high school fiction

*it is always fun writing, feeling and reminiscing highschool things that you tend to shy away at.

he is through with love as far as i know.

julio was my classmate in high school. he was the first person i knew in class. like most of the rest of the boys in our class, he stands smaller than the girls. though being petite was never been a disadvantage for him. actually most of the girls in school, finds him really cute because of this feature. even the prettiest chic in school confessed that she has a crush on him. thus, he was tagged as "crush ng bayan". but depite all of these julio remained silent and reserved himself for his small circle of friends, which includes me.

"hey julio, i have heard that girl in the other section also has a crush on you," i teased him while we were walking along the correigdor.

but julio just remained silent as always, with his eyes on the book he was reading. while the girl on the other section, wearing a rather thick pink talcum press powder on her face passed by, looking at him. then she giggled so loud with her girlfriends as if she was intentionally picking julio up.

i noticed that julio never really gave attention to such. most of the time, it felt that he would just let those news pass from one ear then out to the other. eventually the sudden craze for him fade out in our school by the time we were already juniors. new faces came in each year and the title "crush ng bayan" jumped from one person to another.
ironically, as the craze fade out, julio began to expand his circle: he was gaining more friends in and outside of the class, hanging around in the canteen bench with his new friends and eventually our circle somehow parted ways in a blink of an eye. nobody from the both of us, really made the move to regain it back. i just wondered probably, it was just the way it is and accepted it as a defect or hole of life.

nonetheless, as the old line says: when you lose, you gain. when you lose, you gain.

it was in our senior years when i met two of my closest friends, mae and leo. i met mae and leo during our sophomores. although we really weren't that close. since we weren't classmates in the first year (both of them were from the same section. while i am on the other one). it was only in the latter part of third year when we got to know each other. the same period, when me and julio are no longer going together.

fortunately, the three of us went along well. since we share the same interest for films and music, same taste for artists and those things. so it wasn't really hard to cope up with the two. eventhough i was new to their group or may i say partnership. we were literally inseperable. in opur class, we always come as package among group works and end up the best package in class.
mae could be considered as "one of the boys," her tomboyish behavior would really make any other boys during that time think twice if they we're going to mess with her. she was quite laidback. she was fond of wearing snickers and keeping her face oily than wipe it with a hanky or put on powder like most of the girls in class. if you're going to give a closer look on her, you'll realized that she is beautiful without her knowing it. probably, this made me like her for she was able to outstand herself from the rest of the girls in class in the very least effort.

leo, on the other hand, was also not one of the boys. he was considered a nerd but the truth was he's not. indeed, he was topping in class. but i never saw him reading or atleast holding a book nor writing notes unless it was required to complete one for clearance purpose during exams. probably he was just born genius--- especially when it comes to throwing pratcial jokes. i remember calling him the pandora's box, one time. something so tempting to open but safer not to know what is inside. he was so fun to be with that even without the other half---mae, you'll forget that there is such thing called boredom. but ofcourse, it was always nicer to have mae around.

"i don't think your compatible," julio whispered as he rest his head on his arms while waiting for the next class, it was the only class we were seatmates because the seating plan as arranged alphabetically.

"what do you mean?" i asked confusedly. considering it was the first time we spoke again.
he didn't answer. instead he just hid his face between his arms facing the table and pretended to be sleeping. i didn't bother to ask anymore.then came february, a week before the senior's promenade night. everybody was making a big buzz about the event. everybody was asking each other as a date in the prom and dicussing what dress to wear or what car they would take. no senior was hanging around late in the school grounds. even the varsity and club practices were postponed. the entire school was like missing an entire senior year after the last bell rings every afternoon.

honestly, the three of us doesn't have any plans of going to the prom just to tire ourselves out. instead, we planned of hitting the beach and drink all night with the excuse of attending the senior's night, ofcourse. but our adviser actually required the entire class to attend and warned to mark us with a lower grade for her subject. it left us with no other options but to abide.
mae came up with a wonderful proposal. instead of looking for partners, she thought the three of us could go as a trio. leo got excited hearing the plan. he was actually draining his brain out thinking how will he stand out for the event. he even thought of wearing a gown just to be different from the rest. since it was already late looking up for a partner and i don't want leo to get frustrated, i've finally agreed to the proposal.

the next day, i have heard from a classmate that julio actually asked mae for the prom and was rejected. since she already had partner(/s) for the event. knowing mae, she wouldn't spill the beans yet nor inform him who will be her date, thinking it might spoil the plan.

in a way, i felt sad hearing the news imagining the former "crush ng bayan," but more importantly a friend getting rejected. it just actually came to me that probably julio was too shy to talk with girls thats why he really didn't entertain them before. i remembered one time, while i was walking along the canteen benches, he was being teased as "torpe" by his 'friends' as they were pushing him to the same girl who wears a pink talcum powder (she still does). they were laughing and tagging him, scared of girls. i saw julio not smiling anymore while being pushed and laughed at. i know he was not enjoying his position that time and he saw me stopped and looked at that moment. nonetheless, inviting mae for prom would probably took him lot of guts. but ended up with the same outcome he was trying to avoid---rejection.

i was walking home that same afternoon when i saw julio standing against a wall, a couple of blocks away from my street. he was still wearing that blank face the first time i met him. when i was just a couple of meter away from him, he raised his head towards me. i gave him a nod as a sign of a greeting. he smiled back thriftly. he followed me as i walk the side walk, silently. nobody dared to talk. i was actually thinking of what to say just to break the silence. but the news i have heard earlier was the only thing i could think of.

when i was already infront of our gate. i have finally gathered all the courage i have and asked, "is there a problem, julio? i am almost at our house now."

but julio just remained silent. he was still looking at the ground, sweeping the cemented road with his snickers like a kid who broke his mother's favorite vase pretending he didn't know what happened. i gave him the that moment he needs, expecting he would be able to say the thing he wants to say. in a way, i felt guilty that i was one of the cause why mae rejected him. if only i could just asked mae myself to forget the plan and just go with him, i really would. but i can't. because i am not mae.

julio was now kicking the small rocks erected by the rough cemented road. but he was still silent. i tried inviting him inside but he nodded his head for disapproval.

"i still need to do chores, julio, before mom arrives. i better go inside now. i'll see you tomorrow. take care," i said.

i tapped his shoulders as i walked away from him slowly. i was waiting for him to call me and tell me the problem. but he didn't.

that night, same with the rest of the sleepless seniors, i couldn't sleep. but not because of excitement for the promenade the next night. i was anxious and still feeling guilty, knowing the first highschool best friend i have wouldn't be able to go to prom with the girl he likes. for a petty reason that we wanted to play a game of standing out from the rest of the crowd.

i didn't helped it. i felt the need to call mae and beg her to be julio's partner for the prom. i approached my side table and lifted the handset. my forefinger was chilling numb while i was dialing mae's number. it rang. i heard mae's voice on the other line with a rough "hello".

"hey mae, its me!" i tried greeting her as spontaneous as i normally do.

she immediately recognized my voice, as expected.

"hey whats up?" the husky deep voice that greeted me earlier abruptly changed into a perky tone. as expected again.

"nothing much. i just can't sleep," i was already twirling the telephone line into its extent without knowing it. good thing i managed to catch its side and stopped it from falling.
"is it the prom?," she asked.

"no...i may still have nothing to wear yet. but it really didn't bother me. insomia, i guess," i never thought i could really be this good in lying.
"ah...okay. by the way, julio approached me earlier," aha! there goes my cue. it was such a relief mae brought it up. because its always the opening the topic that i really find difficult to formulate with.

"oh yeah?! what did he say?" i have asked. the chilling numbness already covered my entire hand, the one holding the handset. the scripts that i have thought earlier where beginning to rush in my head, in chronological order.
"well, he just asked me if you' will be going with me to the prom. then he just left when i said you'll be going with me and leo," she naively answered, that was something not expected.
i was surprised upon hearing it. the scripts that were running in my head flew wildly. as if, looking for something among these lines i thought about earlier that would fit what she have just said.

"she didn't asked you out?" there goes my most common stupidity called slip of the tounge.
"of course not, pscho! but i just wish he did," i felt mae's flirtness coming out of the handset and breathing on my ear. probably if i were not in the state-of-confusion, she might already devoured the belief that was left believing i was actually talking with my close friend, mae.
everything was completely out of my league now. i have decided to say my goodbyes to mae and made up an excuse ('again') that i would give sleep one more try. by the time we hang up. i felt more confused.

i thought of him during our first year, the sudden parting of ways, his friends, mae, leo, when he said, we're not compatible, who was he actually referring to? why would he ask mae tha question? why he walked with me home earlier.
then everything just stopped when i felt something warm kissing my skin. i have just realized that it was already morning when i noticed the morning light peeking across my window curtain. the warmth just literally brightened up my being that made me think of him again as he first walked in our classroom and seated beside me, introduced himself and chatted.

suddenly i just caught myself, can't stop from smiling on a realization that i can't help from thinking.

globalization is something political. thus it is boring!

*disclaimer: this is something political. thus, it might bore you. i just need to wake up the political side of me.

it is always my funny dream, to walk along katipunan avenue one day without seeing a single foreigner passing by. mind you, i am not a racist neither an extreme nationalist. the idea just came to me one night while i was looking for a place to dine in. while i was walking, i noticed that almost everybody that i've passed by were foreigners. there were people that have european, american, hispanic and/or chinese features. but mostly koreans (which i think is already given). then, i just realized when everybody thought that filipinos were all over the world, it was actually the world that was all over our country.

everyday, hundreds and hundreds of filipinos are going abroad. while thousands and thousands of them are sacrificing their ambitions and undergoing different trainings into something else just to go out of the country. and the remaining millions are left also just dreaming to follow.

it is just sad to know that nowadays, most of the answers i hear from small children whenever they are asked, what they want to be when they grew up, are no longer: "i want to be a teacher", "a dancer", "a ballerina", "an artist" or "snow white". now, it is usual to hear from their petite lips, responses such as: " i want to be a nurse like my rich tita", "to marry a blonde husband like our old neighbor" or "just have a green card". naive as they may seem, but it depresses me to know that, these kids in their young years are already conscious about the harshness of life which is way ahead of their innocence. they actually need to trouble themselves with this sad reality that in this life there is no room to play. everything is a vicious game of survival. honestly, i can't blame them. but like everything else there is always something that we could pinpoint to including ourselves.

i have just realized that in this period, it is no longer the person who decides what path he will take for his life. the considerations are no longer within what you like or love to do, what interest you, or where your passion lies. foreign countries are gracious enough doing this for us. they made it easier for us, not to bother thinking anymore of what to pursue on our life by setting job demands with a more promising future--- or so we thought.

then out of this thought and while taking dinner alone, i have formulated a futuristic short story (well talking about just into a different topic---so anti-climatic, i know. hehehe)

by the year 2050 or probably sooner, the philippines will be the leading producer , manufacturer and exporter of cheap man power. ironically, but not that surprising, its economy will still be plunging into deep wells or probably will plunge into worst because of perrrenial, unimmaginable and worsened corruption.

modern filipinos will be equipped and designed to provide world class skills, love, care and even internal organs to satisfy the dainty taste of foreign buyers. consumers will be guaranteed with exclusive use and rights for each of the filipinos that they are going to buy. since all the product's rights will be programmed solely to the discretion of their buyer. it couldn't be utilized by any other people, not even their own families.

modern filipinos will also come with the state-of-the-art energizer batteries that are expected for a lifetime and doesn't need to recharge. meaning, customers will be assured that this product would never run out from working and all potentialities are maximized until the last drop. these will practically, save buyers from energy and gasoline consumption. because it is also predicted that by that time, petroleum price will soar up to $562,726 per liter due to foreign economic monopoly.

philippine market will also offer, specialized abaca fiber chips that could be plugged at the back of any modern filipino's nape and this enables them to learn different skill/s that would be perfect for multi taskings purposes. though these will be sold separately.

they will be put in presentable boxes with a manual book inside. it will also be informed to foreign customers to always look for the "made in the philippines" seal at the back of each product to avail its 60 years money-back warranty.

such action will be made because of a forecasted massive attempt of china as well as third world countries to pirate and imitate filipinos through a will-be-invented-cross-breeding-copier machine. although, competition will get tough and the expected impossibility of the philippine government to eradicate piracy, filipinos will still remain as the primary in-demand product in the foreign market. since nothing still beats the original.

all modern filipinos will come in different models and sizes that would fit to any foreigner buyer's needs.

see posters and print ads for details.

BLURP!. i can now taste the sweet-bitter taste of globalization fastly coming ahead. unfortunately, the worst thing is, i am tasting only a part of it.

been there done that

"been there, done that"

8"x 11.5"

crayon etching

january 15, 2008

6:54pm

nobody told me that life started in darkness

nobody mentioned that everything spurred from abyss

nobody said this warmth i am feeling came from coldness

and above everything else,

you never explained to me the reason for our kiss

"you smoke like a chimney"

" you smoke like a chimney," probably that would be the same line rico yan would have said to me. if i were claudine barreto in the movie dahil mahal na mahal kita.

i have been a heavy smoker for the past 6 years now and if there would be one thing that i would like to drop for the new year, this habit would be the top of my list. i started smoking young. when i entered college at the age of 16, i learned to smoke out of the necessity of my lifestyle. the reason might be petty as it seems but atleast it was not out of peer pressure or just to look pa-"astig" or "cool". i never find smoking that way.

during my college years, i needed to be awake most of the time for my studies and all of my extra currcular activities. unfortunatley, the weather in baguio is so conducive for sleeping. so most of the time i ended up sleeping during examination nights or the night before a presentation of a particular project or play. thus, i ventured in smoking and coffee for me to be awake. eventually, i developed and carried over the habit of smoking within my everyday life. i smoke atleast half pack a day for a regular one and more than a pack during days where i am finishing or rushing something and if i am drinking with my buddies.

yesterday, i met a very close friend that i haven't seen for a long time. we met on a nearby mall, had our "kamustahan" talks, and had bountiful dinner his treat. since it was an eat-all-you-can-buffet, i obviously exceeded my stomach limit that craved me to smoke. good thing, we took the outside table. i pull out a cigarette on my pocket and decided to lit it. then my friend noticed it. SHOOT! due to my very sharp memory, i actually forgot the fact that he despise smoking and in consequence i already prepared myself in a night-long litany.

ever since we were in college, he was only the person, aside from my family, who was against my vise. this will be a very long night, i thought. as expected, he kept on reiterating that i need to quit smoking. but i was surprised to see his mouth's endurance talking for how many hours should atleast dry out your throat right? he never talked that long before. although i have just told him that i already planned to quit it soon and also tried changing the topic, he still managed to bring it back, connect it to an entirely different subject and still kept on rubbing to quit it the whole time that we were together. eventually, i was beginning to annoy him. but please don't get me wrong. for me, he would probably be the nicest friend i could ever have and i know that he was only concern about me. but sometimes there are things that we need to consider that not even one's concern could answer.

one thing common among smokers or people hooked into a vise is that despite the fact that they are aware of the bad effects and the prohibitions thrown to it, they would not automatically drop it. while what other people don't understand is quitting is not easy as saying "quit it" or reiterating its negative effects. everything not an over night process. but we should also be conscious that these reasons should not just stop there.

i remembered a health oriented show that i have watched before that really strucked me. the guest doctor said that, "despite all the advises, forceful actions or reiterations of quitting smoking, if the smoker is not decided to stop smoking, all efforts will be useless."a smoke would eventually find other ways to satisfy the addiction like secretly smoking inside the toilet like my dad used to do it before or going to somewhere else where the people who are pushing him to quit is out of sight. quitting should come on the smoker himself not on the perseverance of other people. these outside factors should only serve as a reminder of the habit and not an annoying or a forceful persuasion. because sometimes the harder you grip the soap the more it would slip (can't think of any other analogy---hahaha).

when i thought reasons are the only things that matter

i remembered shortbus, an american indie film that i have seen before, that magnificently tackled the wide diversity of new yorkers' sexual life. but today, i have decided to opt away from discussing the sexual part of it and try discussing something that was also used as an element of the film--- suicide.suicide would probably be the most common issue that we encounter in our everyday life. we hear news about somebody committing it due to extreme poverty, hopelessness, broken relationship, traumatic experiences and even for political/ideological reasons (such as suicide bombers). but nonetheless, we tend to just accept these reasons without going into the deep roots of it.

if my memory serves me right, i knew atleast three people who attempted to commit suicide. one of which was successful, she was actually my land lady's daughter when i was in college. although i never talked to her, i knew her as a very reserved person. i seldom see her talking to somebody or open her lips, thats how extreme she was. i thought she was just an introvert but not that troubled. so me and my roomates were just surprised when we heard our land lady screaming and crying at the top of her head one morning. we thought we slept again without fixing the beer bottles we drank last night. but when we went out of our room, we were surprised to see that neighbors were swarming their door. then a body covered in white sheets was being brought out of the house. then inside a van.

one of our housemates who woke up earlier than the rest of us, informed us that rhea (our landlady' daugther) just hanged herself inside her room. there was a diary that was recovered at the top of her television next to her body. it noted there her turmoil about how everybody around her treated her and her lover.

later we learned that a year back, her family discovered that she was a lesbian and has a woman lover. as expected, her family forced her to break up with her lover. but rhea stood on her ground and tried to let her family understand. when she have no other option she decided to run away. they've lived in together for 3 months. then her family asked her to go back home. although not accepted, her family have just tolerated the fact that there daughter was a lesbian. thus, she returned.

but what rhea didn't know was, it was not only her family that had the same sentiment against her and her lover. she was wrong when she taught that if there would be people that would understand her and her lover among everybody else, it would be her friends---there friends. since rhea and her lover came from the same circle of peers. rhea wasn't able to handle these fact.

the night before she hanged herself, she went out with her lover and friends. everybody claimed that they never saw rhea that happy that night. she was laughing, throwing jokes and dancing the entire time. it was as if rhea was a different person. but never they realized that would be the last time they will see her.nobody saw rhea's lover visiting her remains during the entire wake and even at her burial. somebody informed our land lady that she went abroad earlier as expected. from that point, no one ever heard from her again.

basically, the issue of suicide has always something that interests me. (but don't get me wrong, i know for sure that i am not suicidal nor have the tendencies to commit it.) it interests me in such a way that i kept on asking myself what could actually drive a person to commit suicide? is it just because of hopelessness? is it because of untolerable pain or emotional turmoil? is it because of extreme devotion or commitiment into something or someone? or is it all that matters?these questions could have already been answered by emile durkheim's study about suicide which is composed of four kinds: egoistic, altruistic, anomic and fatalistic. (for reference)

but i tend to try understanding it in a different perspective. then came the film shortbus.

shortbus was somehow the same as the story of rhea. one of the stories there were about two gay lovers that has the same name, jamie.

the first jamie was a child actor before of a low rated tv show about a black couple who adopted a white kid that keeps on claiming his also black but only albino. the adopted white kid was him. while the second jamie, who went on using james (to avoid conbfusion), was a former hooker and junkie. he recalls those times as the most rotten experiences of his life, where everybody was treating him like shit. until he met jamie.

jamie was the dominant one. while james was the passive. what was interesting about james was he always has his camera with him. in the story nobody exactly knew what james was actually filming. until the later part of the movie. he was actually making his suicide movie for jamie.

he wanted jamie to know that if ever he will die, jamie shouldn't blame himself: that it was his own personal decision. james was experiencing extreme depression that time. a type of depression that was not anchored to any negativities of his outside environment or his past. infact, james was surrounded with different people who loves, adores and accepted him for who he was. it was depression that was coming in him--- inside of him. this made him numb to feel those 'so much' love that was being given to him by his lover (/s you'll know why once you've watch the film) and friends.

for me, the implicit reason for this was james wanted to end his life that way. he didn't want anything else the way he had it before. basically he wanted a life that have lived happily ever after like most of us would also wanted. that if people would be asked about him, james wanted them to remember him the last time they saw him --- in the happiest moment of his life. for indeed, first impression isn't lasting.

probably, this is the common thing for both of the stories above (aside from both were about homosexual partners), for people who commit suicide to see them by other people on their happiest state. an act that would represent a celebration of the lifetime that was given to them. a moment to be remembered by everybody they knew. i am no supporter nor against people who decides to commit suicide on their own free will. but in writing this, i have realized that reasons for commiting suicide should not be the only thing that we need to understand. sometimes even the ends or the purpose of it matters.

note:

pictures are from the stars and scenes of the film, shortbus.

sketch pad

when i was in college, i have these blank books that i frequently sketch on. i began maintaining it way back when i was in my freshman years.

i never kept a journal or a diary during that time, because i find it very highly maintainance aside from the fact that i am not really fond of writing by hand. in addition, there would probably a dozen times that somebody was able to get hold of my diary and read it. just imagine the embarassment that you need to bear knowing that somebody knew something very private for you. its like somebody saw you completely naked and there is nothing else you could do, but to give in (hmmm..this sounds wrong).

i am very private person. i am not comfortable sharing or discussing personal things about myself. although i love reminiscing, i have a memory as small as a goldfish (that normally last around 3 seconds). so i have no other option but to keep something that would bring me back to those tracks whenever i wanted to. then i have thought of this, sketch pads. instead of writing down my everyday entries, i decided to sketch them. i found sketching more favorable than writing my entries word by word. because when i sketch i draw figures and images that represent particular ideas, events, persons or emotions that only i could know and understand. compare to the latter that exposes the specificities of something up to the smallest detail/s.

ever since i have started this sketch pad, it really didn't bother me anymore if other people would look at it or whatever. because i know they wouldn't really understand it anyway or if they did they wouldn't get the entire and specific picture of it. most of my entries, if i may say, were composed of plates that i have created whenever i feel depressed. i think most artists were correct when they've said that its easier for one to create his/her piece whenever s/he is depressed and hurting.

i presented my entries in a manner where i could easily recall those feelings the moment i look at them. eventually, i become so comfortable of keeping them that i have produced atleast six of it at present.

three months back, i remembered holding my last sketch pad and began sketching an entry. for some reasons, i found myself without anything to draw. i tried drawing lines, scribbles, shapes, faces, figure almost anything that my pen (unlike other people i know, i don't use pencils) could create. but at the end, i found each pages of my pad torn from it, crumpled and off to the trash can. page by page, hours have passed and i haven't been able to finish a single entry. it occured to me that probably i am losing my touch of making the same sketches i previously had. it bothered me for some time, knowing that those three months were the times where i was at the peak of my emotions and events that happened were ought to be placed somewhere in my pad. i tried going back on it, day by day.but no matter how hard i try, i just end up wasting the sheets of my pad.i thought of giving myself a break, a week or so. then i went back on sketching again---same thing. i tried a couple of weeks to a month---no change. until i eventually forgot my sketch pad and was preoccupied with other matters in particular with my former relationship.

last night, i came home earlier than usual. since i got no message from my friends of going out or something. it made me more sad feeling that i am alone inside an empty room without anyone to talk to or anything to do but to nail myself on my bed and watched a movie i have already watched thrice. talking about being emo(tional---hahahaha).

then, i saw my sketch pad again, lying at the side of the dvd player. i reached it and browsed each of the entries i have done. i grabbed my pen and began sketching. at first, i was still on doubt of continuing it. since i was not liking it. but decided to pursue it till the end. eventually, i felt everything went back on me: the styles, strokes, shadings, concepts, everything. in a way, i felt myself, my old self again. after few hours, finally, i have finished my first entry and felt myself again for the longest time.

up centennial celebration kick off

yesterday, friends invited me over to up diliman for the centennial kick off celebration. various delegations coming from various system campuses participated in this event. ofcourse, my alma mater campus, up baguio have sent their own delegation. although there were only a small number of participants that represented my campus, in consideration with our campus' population and the distance of it to the venue, it was still such a delight to see your former professors and other familiar faces parading around the academic oval. there were also several students who performed a cordilleran dance with their ethnic attires tagging along the up baguio delegation. it makes you feel proud to be from this university in particular to this campus just by mere watching the parade.
the celebration lasted up until midnight. there were torch parade that was lead by a 100 year old chemical engineer, making him the oldest alumna of the university, chancellors, deans, and other alumni personalities including richard gomez, there were also various presentations from different university constituents, sky divers, and firework displays. the entire academic oval scene was filled with various crowds cheering for their university. while the centenial celebration theme song, UP ang galing mo, that sounded like a rock theme songs for tv show such as super inggo, was played during the entire celebration. nonetheless, the celebration kick off as a whole was such a blast and worth remembering and lookig forward to for the next event.

no better way of saying goodbye but to say no goodbye: quits part 2

okay, its official---we've already parted ways.

i have received a call the other night from my partner. unfortunately, i wasn't able to answer it since i was drinking with a friend in tomas morato. she wanted to see me because her boyfried just broke up with her after an almost-a-year relationship. talking about perfect timing.

knowing my friend, tin would probably be one of the most bubbly and strongest women i have ever met. she was one of my classmates in law school that would stand up and contest against our professors regarding something that she finds wrong or unfair---without any hesitations. but that night i have seen the other side of her persona. although she kept on smiling and kidding around, i know that she was crying inside. somehow i felt what she was going through.

after knocking out two buckets of San Mig Light, we have decided to call it a night. she insisted to drive me home. but i preferred taking a cab instead. i brought out my cellphone and checked it again. it already felt unusual seeing my partner's number on my phone. then i received a message asking: if i were mad? i felt provoked reading the message. for me, it would probably the most insensitive question i have ever read.

i am not really the person who gets easily affected whenever my partner would not contact me that often or would not bring me gifts during special occasions or celebrate anniversaries. basically, i don't confide with the standards of what a relationship should be or should not be. its enough that you give your best and you understand your partners's considerations and shortcomings. nonetheless, i believe that the moment you commit yourself into a relationship, you are responsible in mutually growing it. its not an one-sided set up in which only one party is responsible of nurturing it. there is no such thing as a free lodger nowadays, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship. everybody breaths with expectation at the top of their lungs, no matter how they deny it. but just like my friend's case, no personality or experiences could prepare you for what is about to happen.

we both confessed that we were unsure if we still love each other after everything that happened. we both have our reasons and shortcomings that we still have to settle within ourselves as well as the realization of the fact that we don't have a perfect relationship to be regreted, after all there is no such thing. so i have decided to officially call it quits.
it hurts to know that you have just ended a relationship that you have put your best effort to work, considering this is your first commited relationship.but on the other hand, i am still happy that i was able to experience and felt it regardless of its outcome. honestly, now, i don't feel any bitterness or hatred against my partner. because after we broke up whenever i tried thinking about our former relationship, i only remember the best moments of my life: my first holding hands, my first and sincerest "i love you", my first formal date etc. etc. etc.

i realized that i may not get my partner back or be the best of friends after this relationship. but its already enough for me to know that we were able to respect each other's freedom and decisions for the benefit of our personal development. mushy as it may sound but that is the only words that i think could describe what i am feeling right now.

as i was about to end this entry, i remembered: today, 8th of the month, should have been another monthsarry for the both of us. then, i close my eyes and decided this would be the last time i am writing about my 'former' partner---at least, for now.

have you ever heard of a bisexual bar?

we heard of gay bars, ktv bars and the usual bars during saturday nights... but have you ever heard of a bisexual bar? but not those you have in malate, cubao or elsewhere.

when i went to baguio last month, i passed by this disco bar along *shit! i forgot the name of the road. argh* this road going to ferguson called gagamba.

when i was in college i always passed by this establishment going home. but never i discovered that this was the most versatile disco bar that you could ever be.

funny because this bar has two entrance door. the door on the left showcases female dancers. while the door on the right highlights male dancers. how cool could that be? best of both worlds as they normally say it. hehehe

quits

i knew it from the first time i saw you in the station that this relationship would eventually end up this way.

we decided to meet that day because you invited me over for an out-of-town trip. i was hesitant at first because you came to me as a faceless stranger. so by the time i step out the train, i was really torned thinking if i would jump back or i would walk ahead and look for you.

you weren't that hard to recognize. so i walk slowly towards you. you were already staring at me as you were leaning your back on the wall. from a far, i could see you smiling. by the time i was near, you held my hand and led the way. i was suprise, at first. but i shouldn't let you notice that i was uncomfortable. so i remained calm and played the game. then, everything between us followed.

but i think its going no where now that is why its better to call it quits.

for the past days, after we separated ways (last weekend) you haven't returned back any of my calls or messages. you even didn't greet me happy new year compare to the hundreds of almost the same forwarded messages i have received. you would probably know this, since i have forwarded half of it to you.

i even doubted if you have the same mobile number or you're being kuripot again since the unlimited service promo already ended an dyou're saving money for another psp cartridge. a peso wouldn't hurt, would it?

i managed to get you answer the phone the other day. when i asked why you are not returning any of my messages, you answered, "nagpapacute lang. i love you". i felt relieve for a moment knowing that everything was just the same as it was. but after that you still didn't return any of my messages. so i realized i just had had enough.

i don't know if this is really your plan? abruptly leaving me and disappear to save your face. well, we have been together for several months. shortlived as it may seem, not to mention i broke up with you twice, i am still happy that atleast you have let me experience it. you were my first. the first person that actually made me to commit out of the numerous non-commital swings that i had. you might be emptying a bottle of champagne now thinking that i am lashing my pulse out of a broken ego. but i am sorry to say this, you are wrong.

i would live exactly the same person you first met in the station. but the only difference now is, i would just walk pass across you with a smile on my lips and a thought that you're just the rest of the fellows waiting for their next ride.

happy tripping.

day shift, a new year present

finally, i am back to my morning shift. i am a normal person again: i am getting enough sleep, walking the morning streets refresh and more importantly having my social life.

i miss this shift since i was always a day shifter ever since i started working for the company until our management thought of changing our operation hours. i was one of the unfortunate employees that were chosen for the experiment to suceed and eventually it did.

when the management was already settled, they've conducted a shift bid. i was really worried of not getting the shift i preferred. since i am no longer studying---no more special treatments, i thought. nonetheless, it seemed like fate move on my side and gave me good evaluations that became my ticket to choose a day shift.

i am starting my shift from 8 in the morning to 5 in the afternoon now. its like working in a government agency except that they're breaks are almost half of their entire shift (no offense).

not because its new year but yesterday, i tried riding a jeep to work for a change. normally, i ride a cab because there are no direct line of jeep from my place in katipunan to the office. i actually have this attitude that as long as it would only take me one ride, regardless if this is to siargao(ofcourse this hyperbole---hehehe), it would be nearer than a two ride trip to my friends in cubao. but i thought i should begin to used myself in riding jeep to work or to any where i go. not only for practicality purposes but also for me to finally familiarize myself in the metropolitan streets.

but after having a bad experience with riding jeepnies through aurora-anonas going to tomas morato route (refer to previous post), i thought of going the other way around. i rode a jeep to UP diliman. then took another route going to pantranco. although it was almost an hour trip, i was still able to reach office 45 minutes earlier to my actual shift.

in addition, i already had my work out, watch the morning news and fixed my bed before going to work, which i NEVER do. seriously, i felt that i am beginning to be a better person now.
...
unfortunately, i woke up today late and took a cab again. well, who said changes are a one day process?

the loop

it was one of those days where i would escape my class to have my late afternoon cigarette with a book to finish.

it was almost december that time. but the weather was still scorching hot. the sky was bleeding with red scattered thin sheets of clouds. while the sun was bidding its daily farewell. i could taste the salty tang of my dripping sweat at the sides of my lips. darn, i forgot to bring a hanky. it would take sometime before the sky would cool down.

by the time i opened and read the page where i was last at, i saw you sitting on the grass underneath the acacia trees. you were unmindful of what's happening around you and stared blankly on what you were reading. you haven't notice the couple who dropped a white empty disposable cup beside where you were sitting at. you didn't bother to sweep the trees' yellow flowers buds as it fell down your hair. what you were reading might really be something interesting, i thought.

you suddenly slid your butt as your back laid flat on the ground. you raised the book at the top of your head and read silently again. i knew, i should keep my distance probable a couple of meters. for the thought, i might scare you away. minutes after, you gently move the tip of your finger at the edge of a page. you softly flick the next page as you slowly ran your fingertip down the side of the age brewed sheet. i could actually smell the strong scent of dust and roughness of old-age from where i am by mere looking at it.

there was something in me that became persistent and interested in knowing you: that i needed to know your name, where you are from or hopefully if you'll be free for tonight. but hesitations engulfed me. for i have had enough of rejections and unending hopes before. i am tired of waiting and expecting for it to come, that would simply accept me for who i am and not who i were or who i could be.

but the persistence grew on me. as if a growing mass that was shouting and trying to break free. until, i've finally decided to try it one last time. i thought of a plan. i will smile at you and if you will smile back, then i will approach you. i'll ask for your name, where you're from, if you'll be free tonight and even you're number if i could.

then a rough wind blew against the place. i saw wild breeze carrying dried acacia leaves and ground dusts to your hair. while i immediately stood up from laying and held the pages of my book as it kept on turning from pages to pages. i was worried that i'll lose the page that i was reading. when i have finally located the page, i turned my head back to the place you were laying at and realized you were no longer there. only the acacia trees that were begining to slow down from dancing as the harsh wind subsided were the only things left. i tried looking for any signs of your trace. but indeed, you were no longer there and so was my hope of knowing you.

for a moment, i felt the coldness of the coming night as it domed my entire being.

suddenly, i felt as if someone was staring at me from my other side. hoping it was you, i stood up from laying and slowly turned my head to locate the owner of the stare. but on my surprise, i saw a different figure a couple of meters away with a pair of sad brown eyes. i felt its sadness as if it was running all over me. we've locked our stare for a moment. then, the it slowly released a wide hesistant smile that lifted those depressed eyes.

again, the wind blew but with a gentler nightly breeze. the yellow acacia buds flew like migrating flocks between us. while the sky cooled down and cut my skin with a sudden chill. i could still the smile as it nailed and echoed itself within the enitre scene.

then from afar, i just can't help but to smile back.

quiapo hoarding: list of films i have got

a friend accompanied me the other day to buy some dvds in quiapo. luckily, i have bought most of the dvds that i have lost either because somebody borrowed it but never returned it or lost inside my cabinets forever.

dreamers, everybody thought they were too young to understand

the complications of life.

malena (monica belluci), a film that depicts the story of a lady that struggled to survive

world war 1 and the vicious curse of being beautiful.

science of sleep (gael garcia bernal), how would you distinguish the surreality of dream between reality?

city of god, a film that highlighted the ghettos of brazil where love, drugs, youth,
crime and power have their own distinct meanings.


yossi and jagger, a film that depicts how an illicit love affair bloomed
between the borders of the iran-iraq war.


gia (angelina jolie), where drugs, freedom, love, sex and death

spelled beauty.

grande ecole, a story of intertwined relationships that got tanggle

in a more complicated web of sex and love.

irreversible (monica belluci), where the start is the end and the end is the beginning.

2008

its the first day of the year 2008 and most of the people i knew felt how time swiftly passed by. some felt happy because it is something to look forward to. some felt sad because they have gained another year of their age. but for me, it is a combination of both. i felt bad because i felt like that the previous year was something not really that fruitful compare to the other years i have had. i have took a break from law school and wasn't able to fulfill atleast half of the plans i have designed for for that year. on the other hand, i am still being optimmistic: holding on the possibility that something better will happen to me for this year.
last night, i have spent my new year's eve with a couple of friends drinking in their place. after knocking out a case of beer around 2 in the morning, i have already excused myself since i need to go to work early the next morning (how pathetic is that?). with alcohol still running in me, i have had the hardest time of catching sleep. there were lot of things that sporadically crossing my head. basically, the thing that bothered me was the fact that i wasn't able to leave my personal baggages behind the previous year and started the new year with a brighter light. personal baggages that were composed of the following:
first, a worthless career. after my holiday vacation i was convinced that i really wanted to resign and get myself another job. but the thing was i still don't have enough savings or any fall backs if i am going to pass my resignation. although my job is not fulfilling nor related to any of my interest and course, i have learned to love my job considering my a-year-and-a-half-stay in the company. i really did, believe me. but then i realized that no matter how you love doing something if you don't see or feel any progress in it eventually you have to give it up. now, i am decided to pursue a fulfilling career regardless of its financial status hopefully by the end of the month, i will be able to file my resignation and find myself a new fulfilling job.
second, a fucked up relationship. i have been in a commited relationship for almost 3 months now. the longgest i could say since it was my first (hehehe, no sense of saying it, i know. since i don't have anything to compare it with under the same context). just last weekend, we've met and stayed in my room over the rest of our off. we've spent it the usual. watched over dvds which we separately hoarded in quiapo the other day, made delivery orders to pig out, make out and talked. it was almost a month back then since the last time we have seen each other.
although we knew that we missed each other very much, at the back of my head i still felt something lacking and cold between the both of us. i don't really know if it was a problem with me being paranoid or its just the real case. but i felt i need to know it.
suddenly, i found myself asking stupid "what-if"questions like "what if we split up?", "what if i asked you for a cool off?" and other what ifs to that effect. i know it was something really stupid to ask but i just want to find the reaction and what will i feel if my partner would agree with the proposal.
basically, i wanted to feel pain that time just to affirm if i really do love my partner. honestly speaking up to now, i am still torn apart of being confused of myself or in doubt of what my partner really feels to me. my partner began punching my arms and silly threatening me if i dare to do so. for a second, i felt a sudden affirmation. end of the discussion.
after we part our ways, i sent a short message apologizing. i received a message asking "why?". i have replied back, referring of what i did and the coldness i felt when we were together. after that i havent received any messages at all. i regularly sent messages and even tried making a call. but i receive no response. no new year greeting, no good morning, good afternoon or good evening messages. i got really worried. then, i though tof two things: first, probably because of the sucky network over the weekends and holidays. while the second actually disturbed me. i thought of my partner abruptly leaving me. i felt really really bad that moment. i was about to cry if not for my friends that were still around. it was the pain that i was looking for before and now, a wish i regret making.
and finally, a very vague direction in life. before, i thought being a care-free person was the only attribute that i wouldn't dare surrender. for it was the only thing that makes me, me. it defines my individuality and rears my humanity against the mechanic nature of my environment.
but i was wrong. i realized that this is not only scene that i needed to consider to complete the entire picture. when you begin to grow, you begin to gain more responsibilities. these are duties that go beyond your personal self and extend to your fellow and into a larger scope. since life is a chain of interdependent individuals, each of us moves in relation to another and vice versa. the despite we deny changes, changes will always be inevitable and we need to accept and go along with it.