"never hold on to a promise," that was the last thing J said before the night completely took J away, again.
i grew up surrounded with people making all sorts of promises. and in a way, i've been fascinated with how it ensures certain uncertainties. how it pulls out hope and relief from indescribable distress. and how it pushes all means to make impossibles possible.
but i guess, not all promises are made to last nor done for the simple reason of humanity.
we hammer promises with our imperfections, we break them into pieces because of our shortcomings. but at the end, its our own guilt that eats us.
when J let go of my hand that night, i realized another promise has been broken. for a while, i doubted if it was J's imperfections or mine. if it was my shortcomings or Js.
but even before an answer is made, i just saw myself slowly folding: 'til my knees sympathized with my chest and the chilly night breeze wiped my face dry. it was a vulnerabling feeling i must say. too bad J didn't see it. but i thought, what for?
i guess, promise is the most treacherous thing man has ever invented.
when rousseau wrote his theory in social contract, he should have also warned about its possible outcomes to us, individually. the frustration, trust issues and all that. at least, it could have prepared us for its coming.
you see, for most of us, when a promise is made, we, as the person who receives it immediately build a certain extent of expectations that sometimes, or most of the time over boards to the actual promise itself. thus, when our expectations are not met we end up being frustrated.
but what if no promise was actually made? what if it was only beliefs drawn out from a built relationship? are promises and beliefs just the same?
when i "agreed" to have that affair with j, all the love stories and movies i have met started coming back to me. being my first, it was the most wonderful feeling for me that time. but i never expected it could be that tragic later on.
i know, i should have not expected. i should have not dreamed of those dreams. i should have put my hopes into its proper places.
but i guess, it was not that bad at all. instead of feeling miserable, i hold on to that experience and live with it. some people understood, while some just simply can't. nonetheless, i still took another step forward.
so now, after your messenger box popped up on my screen, asking me how i am and if we could still meet? i figured, i guess i could still take some chances (of friendship) but never will i hold on to any of your promises.