there we were, sitting facing each other--- still silent. perhaps, thinking of what to say next or who will have the initiative to open it up.
it was not actually this silence that binded us together. infact, it was the other way around.
i remember, the first time we met. we were feasting upon endless stories about ourselves, the people we know, our elusive dreams, senseless jokes and almost everything under the sky until we end up going home in the wee hours of the morning drunk; not noticing we finished twenty bottles during the entire night.
these were probably the simple reasons that knitted us to each other; worthy and just reasons that made us believe and gave us faith for such possibility.
but when we decided to put what we have to the next step, everything suddenly changed. i started being reserved with my thoughts, cautious with the choice of my words and even anxious with what your reactions will be. in effect, i noticed you beginning to be less enthusiastic and disengage. although the effort is there, as it always is, i just can't help but notice and be bothered with its changes.
have you ever been starstrucked? its somehow the same feeling without any actual celebrity involved, but the person's mere presence absolutely matters. you are stuck where youre standing at. unmindful but definitely conscious, waiting for life to hit you and hoping that the moment you open your eyes again, everything will be the same as before. but who said it will be that easy?
now, the differences between talking to my friends and you, are distinguishly visible. i admit there were moments when i prefer talking to them than spending time with you. not because, i don't enjoy your company but because of the simplest reason that i am scared.
i feared that the choice of my words might bring me to a point of being misunderstood or that i may not be able to hold the meanings and values of my own promises. there were even times when i obliged myself to read what you were thinking. thus, the uncertainty and paranoia it created within me, left me within the solace of my own silence. no wonder i hate confrontations.
its quite ironic how i am able to rationalize things up to its most minute and disregarded details. but when it comes to this, i am just a point blank. then i realized that for a man with stable thoughts, the mystery of his own emotions can be his worst nightmare.
probably, this what makes it special. what makes everything unpredictable, a treasure. and why most people are also scared to take the risk. for its strips you off of all your hesitations to a point where you feel you're already bare and vulnerable. then you tend to cover yourself with what have been its remains. endlessly thinking that either you're giving in to much or you're offering nothing at all. but at the end of it, its funny for we still are hopefuls.
i want you to know, in my simplest way or perhaps the only way, where i can say i am comfortable expressing myself, that now, as i write this entry, i have realized, it is actually not the compatibility that hinders me in becoming the sweetest or perhaps the best person for you, rather its the fear running at the back of my head, saying i might mess up something as precious as this, all over again. but what is more important is that i am working on it, probably, not that perfect but at least with my best.
for three months of knowing each other.