Saturday, November 29, 2008

on thinking and moving

tonight, after many years, the memories of you suddenly lingered in the deep solace of myself as i lay my soul to restlessness.
later this day, as i walk myself home, i saw someone who was blantantly looking at me and would just not drop the stare inside the train. i just ignored him. but by the time i walk off the cart, he called my last name. alas! it was no hook up rather someone who actually know me. when i looked back and studied who could this person possibly be, i realized that he was a former highschool classmate from bicol. we exchanged a quick update of ourselves and i learned that he was trying his luck here in manila and hopefully go out of the country. then, he asked me, if i know J? at the back of my head, how would i not know of this person? but ofcourse, this person has no idea. so i answered, "yes, remember him." then he told me that that person is currently back in the country. from there, all i could do was to control my facial expression.
from that point on, all i could think of was the time when we were together, spending decadently the naiveness of our youth. exploring all sides of curiousness and ourselves: in search of who we are. while we are enjoying the privacy of our own hidden, illicit and make believe fantasies. until suddenly we reached the peak of your selfish realization that we were not meant for each other.
i am now telling you this, not to praise you for your victory because there is no such thing that happened or will ever happen. but to make you aware that despite the face that i wore for each day i struggled to see you--- i never lose myself to desperation. infact, i have gained more of myself more than you could possibly think of. you may be able to drag me to your will whenever you asked me to---as you usually tell me i could never say no, right? but behind those things that i could atleast say we had, you have empowered me more than any learned experience that have passed my life. i have learned to love myself and love others more with the proper disposition and balanced between rationale and emotions. i am even living beyond a thousand leap ahead of my age.
no, this is not sour graping nor any form of defense mechanism, not even something to boost my ego, its my own way of expressing gratitude: telling you, that despite those times that i keep on figuring out what kind of set up we had, how you played with my gullibleness, and drafted my hopeful thinkings, i am still thankful because if not for these i have not become what i am now.
now that you're back in the country, after the last time you put a smile on my face after i learned that you have already and finally settled down. i really don't know if we still a chance to meet up or if you or i will have the guts to contact each other again. nonetheless, whatever happens, i just want you to know all of these, just in case you'll bump into this page (which i know, you won't) or probably just to keep myself reminded that i am already happy of whatever and whoever i am with now.

7 comments:

dabo said...

amen!

nova-san said...

Funny how things and people of our past come back to our lives, even just in thoughts, and remind us of how much we have grown, changed and moved on.

Life in progress, I always say.

Some of us (like myself) measure our progression in life against the distance we have acquired from a former love.

Niel Camhalla said...

"to keep myself reminded that i am already happy"

sad...

Mugen said...

I sense a struggle in you. Nevertheless, your entry is cathartic.

Bino/Geno said...

Awwwwwwwww

RJ said...

Parang napaka-intriguing ng mga personalities involved in this post!

^travis said...

you have managed to see the positive out of a difficult experience, that to me is a sign of maturity and a signal that you are moving on.