clairvoyance

i had a dream.

in it, i saw myself standing on the center of a spacious patio, covered with colorful but broken tiles. i really can't picture what the entire collage looked like, from where i am standing. but looking at the dark and gloomy clouds above, i guess, its showing sadness to heaven.

then i started walking towards that massive cathedral, blankly staring at me. as if calling my name and knew who i am. i never thought that such structure can be that seducing. thus, i heed.

its funny how the place reminded me of J so much. though i dont remember us being here before. the place was deserted. there were a pair of bowing angels made in cold concrete, tainted broken glass panes, and an empty bench under a weeping tree.

then i remembered pushing a pair of huge wooden door, that despite its size, it was so light that i doubted if my palms were really touching and pushing it. when i stepped inside, there was an ongoing mass. i really cant remember the last time i heard one. so in a way, it was already plain nostalgia to me.

i don't even remember what the sermon was all about but whatever it was it made me remember J again.

it has been years since the last time i saw J and it was just that night that i wondered where J is.

as usual, we lost communication from the last time we saw each other. it was never been an issue to me since it has been that way ever since. i guess where not really fond of talking and it was mostly silence that moved us together (and apart too).

you see, even in such young age, we were already in this kind of set up. eventhough we don't know what it is called during that time. lets say it was distance that pushed us to take or risk it. and for me, it was hope that made me stay. but never really knew what J had that time.

i never believe in love is waiting. probably because if it is indeed true love, you'll never let the person to wait for you in turmoil. and of course, all these realizations just came after J.

i remember there were nights before that i would received messages from unknown numbers soliciting comfort and advises from their problems. and being the goody goody me, i would always reply back to them even without asking who they were. i never had problems with it. perhaps, because at the back of my head, i always believed or made myself to believe, it was J.

i sat on a long empty bench, positioned almost infront of the altar. patiently observing almost everything infront of me. trying to patch up the memories that have been wiped away by time. the cross, the face on it, the picture of pain on a mother's face and even the conviction on the priest's sermon.

then i wondered how J was. probably because, i never received any messages from unknown numbers anymore. i wonder if J has the same problems again? how is J dealing with it? why is J not texting me anymore? or if J already found another person to ask?

honestly, i am no longer expecting for any of these questions to be answered. i am already contended with the pace that i am going through with my life. and i guess, what i could only hope for is for J to have the same and to have a good life.

suddenly, i saw a small boy struggling as he approached me. then he tripped, fell and hugged my knees. i picked him up and asked him if he was alright. then he giggled. hahaha. i almost blushed.

then i looked at him. he had a smile that could melt all the loneliness away. a pair of dreamy eyes that could lift anyone's soul. he was such an adorable kid that for a moment made me think if cherubins are real. i wanted to take him home. then nostalgia hit me again.

whats with this dream and nostalgia thing? i asked myself.

then i heard his parents softly calling him. so i gently carried his left arm as he turned back from me and looked at him as he struggled back to his parents. when he reached them, one of his parents smiled at me as a sign of gratitude. but when i was about to smile back, in my surprise, i saw J sitting beside the two. and J smiled too.

from there, i caught myself making the longest smile that marked my lips at this very moment and even woke up still smiling. in a very strange way, i felt really REALLY good about it.

***

several days after, out of extreme boredom and without anything to do, i decided to logged on in my old friendster account to check who from my friends are still actively using it (in this facebook-dominated time). and while, i was scrolling down the updates, i actually saw J's name. J posted a photo album, with this picture on it.

then i caught myself again doing the same long smile. i never imagine myself to be this happy for J or for any of my ex.

for at last, someone had finally convinced and made J to settle down. something that i guess, i can never do and J can never have and be---

with me.