a lover is a mirror through which you can see yourself clearly.
-zhou yu's train
its been almost 8 months since we broke up. but the picture of you lying on my bed, watching my dvds and playing with my stuffs are still clear.there are even nights when i can still smell your scent lingering in my bedsheet. there, my arm will automatically move and hug the pillow beside me. it will squeeze it tighter and tighter as if its looking for any familiarities. then i will wake up and realize that you are no longer there--- and we're no longer together.probably as of now, just like me, you are still wondering the actual reason why we split up. the only thing that i can remember is the day before it happened. you were standing infront of the tv set, gathering all your dvds in my rack. it gave me a hint. but i rejected the idea. the next day you sent me a message, telling me that there is someone at your office, who is flirting you. you asked me if i am jealous and i answered the usual: no, i am not. then we talked about your ex. you told me the things that i have already heard before. but i still entertained it as if its the first time i heard it.
even without the exact words, i know at the back of my head, that you miss those moments: those moments that we both know, i could not do for you because my personality is not allowing me so. you asked me if you can date someone and i said yes. you were delighted. but when i told you that as long as i can date another as well, you went hysterical and withdrew the deal. i smiled.i know that your just making me feel jealous. so that you'll know how much i love you and confirm whatever doubt you have in yourself (or we can also say that i am assuming too much). but as i've mentioned to you on the onset of our relationship, i am not a vocal person. hearing me saying "i love you" nonetheless, i did the best that i can do to work this relationship out. but it seemed like you still demanded for more. probably whoever came up with the line, action speaks louder than words, haven't met you yet when he said this. you can now call me bitter.aside from the fact that it is my personality, i also want you to feel the real value of those three simple words, whenever i utter it to you. i am sorry if i cannot say this to you every minute just the way your ex usually do. but i just don't want to say it just for the heck of saying it. and besides i never really deprived you of those words. i just don't want to over use it.
i don't want you to hear it just because we are together. but because i really mean it. i don't want you to get used of it because i am afraid of the day that its meaning may no longer have any value to you. or probably, above all, i am just paranoid about everything between us.and now, 10 minutes before the exact 8th month we broke up, i decided that it is indeed time for me to put a dot to whatever we had. not because, i haven't moved on yet. but i just want to clear things out for the both of us. you may not read this post. but hopefully someday you'll stumble into it and if that will happen, i just want you to know that i am sorry for everything that i didn't understand and lack with this set up we had and thank you for the memories that would be forever kept underneath the scent on my bed sheets.