Tuesday, October 20, 2009

weekend pebbles

something came out from the back, crossed above my shoulder and reached my hand. i heard a name despite the beat pounding music. while a wide and warm smile illuminated against the flickering darkness as i turned for its source. it was one of the shadows that were seating infront of our table that dragging friday night.

so i gave a name as i reached for that hand.

"hey kirby, my friend actually wants to meet you. i hope you don't mind?"

surprised but still calculating, i turned to my friends to ask them for their opinion. and with their approval, i excused myself for a minute and followed the shadow as it made its way to its friend.

compare to other people of my age, i must admit i am a newbie when it comes to this kind of acquaintanceship. perhaps because i can't get along with other people that easily. for me, if i am already having a hard time talking to my friends' friends, then what more to people you meet inside bars. or probably i still haven't outgrown what my parents had taught us when we were kids, to never talk to strangers.

but i realized in a place like that, any gesture of politeness is the best response to any act of appreciation.

J was older than me. but J looks younger than i am, and definitely more fit. i offered my hand and gave the same name i gave earlier. but J didn't greet me with a smile. instead, J grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward its body and gave me a tight hug, one of the tightest hug i could remember. then that was the time, confusion began to sink in.

this was not the same response i used to read in
knoxx's entries, nor the same scenes in tristan's tales and definitely, not among the perfect moves of THE tripper.

i might missed something, i thought. but what?

being the paranoid me, the first thing that came in mind was to check for my pockets. but it seemed like everything were still there, and that made me more confused.

J didn't talk that much and neither do i. most of the time, i would catch J just staring at me that made me really conscious. there were already a number of things running inside my head: and most of them were fruits of my own paranoia, meaning, its not good.

after three dances or so, i felt i had to go back to my friends, so i had to excused myself to J. but even before i left, J then grabbed my hand and gave me a tightier hug. and i don't know if it was just me, or i didn't really feel any malice from it.

it was warm but at the same time it felt very lonely.

as we made our way to my friend's place, i have realized two things that morning: one, that appreciation is so rare these days for it seems like everybody keeps on striving it for themselves, that they have already forgotten on noticing and giving one to others; putting so much effort solely on how they look, act, behave and even to their works. call it a pick up move, but receiving one from others is such a precious and wonderful feeling. and by saying this, i also realized that perhaps for most people, appreciation is also one of those simple things that keeps them from going back to such places.

***

going out the next night was not in my list of how to spend a saturday night that day. but because of my rampant reputation of being kaladkarin, it didn't take a sweat from another set of friends to convince me to accompany them.

but honestly, i am really hesitant with the idea. not because, i am only wearing a simple gray shirt, a pair of jeans and hiking shoes, but because of many virtual memories of the place. not to mention the fact that aside from my friends, A also tagged along.

the place was filled with a concoction of expensive perfumes, decorated with moving sophistication, and gorgeous smiles. never thought that my eyes would dance that intense than my body.

but when the crowd started to clear the ledge to give way for the special acts, faces emerged and all the virtual memories began to materialize. the hesitations became regrets and the rest of it left me to become as hard as a rock.

i remember a friend, who once asked me, how do you manage to keep them?

i answered him, i don't. i just try.

sometimes you just have to bear the hurt in order for you to keep what is left from it. and at the end of the day, you just hope that you'll forget it, eventhough, you know it will be difficult.

i admit, i over rationalize things, to a point it over boards to the negative side. i lack spontaneity when the situation needs it. i shut down my emotions eventhough its just about to ignite. and above all, i pretend to be brave just because i know i am scared: scared of doing the same mistakes again and getting hurt. but what i didn't realize was that those impulses, mistakes and fears can also come up with good things, right decisions and timely actions, because that affirms other people that one is still human, capable of loving and being love.

thus, as we left the bar, i allowed my impulse to finally embrace me. an act was made not to restore anything from the past rather to come up with an answer for the next day. until the answer stood infront of my window, waived me goodbye and ran as fast as it could until it disappeared for the second time--- again.

picture sources: www.loupiote.com

16 comments:

pie said...

being the paranoid me, the first thing that came in mind was to check for my pockets.

hehehe. natuwa naman ako sa reaction mo ewik. :)

xtian1978ii said...

each of us has it's own ways of shielding ourselves, especialy if one has gone through difficult things from the past.

the thing is, how are we going to live life better, if not to the fullest, if every opportunity that come knocking our door we piled it up with another wall. I think we would be living a sad life, we may not be hurt anymore but it would be sad.

you are right, all of us is capable of loving and be love so just stand up everytime you fall, who knows what the future may bring us.

Eternal Wanderer... said...

but what i didn't realize was that those impulses, mistakes and fears can also come up with good things, right decisions and timely actions, because that affirms other people that one is still human, capable of loving and being love.

as a good frind of mine said to me once, "EW, don't shut the door on the experience of life."

and i guess life is all about embracing and owning up to those experiences.

*hug*

Boying Opaw said...

"how do you manage to keep them?"
"i don't. i just try."

huwaw! for that, I give you 5 stars!

sometimes, it is not how many times answers disappear but rather how many times they appear again and stress the hell out of you when they become loud and almost painfully bubbly...LOL.





JTSS,
Boying Opaw

Bulaang Katotohanan said...

perfection is a state of mind...
we strive and survive, ganun naman lagi e :(

its a lonely planet with lonely, very lonely beings.

reach out and who knows whose hand you'll be pulling up from the mud/crowd.

minsan kahit kasi kausap mo na, katabi mo na yung tao, you just feel distant.

thanks for reaching out through your blog!

Mr. Scheez said...

meron talagang mga bagay na hindi maiiwasan. it's a good thing lagi kung kinokondisyon ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na di ko pa alam at di ko pa nakikita. =)

engel said...

nothing wrong with being paranoid these days. The good, the bad and the ugly oftentimes looks the same.

i was thinking if i were in the same place as the guy introduced to you, I'd probably do the same. knowing that having people stick around introvert me takes so much work.

nice post=)

hugh said...

wow! paranoid... ako yun a. lol!

Knoxxy said...

Its amazing you analyze a situation that deeply while experiencing it. I cant do that. I follow my instincts first then after I analyze it.

Chyng said...

1% lang sa crowd ng bars ang may gusto ng "plain fun". and so everyone's thinking na kaya ka andun kasi you want to flirt.

oh well, wag mo sila biguin sa akala nila. *winks*

the geek said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brent a.k.a. yourkidatheart said...

being the paranoid me, the first thing that came in mind was to check for my pockets. --- Nakakalungkot na naging natural na sa atin o sa impulse natin na magreact ng ganito. :( Never heard of strangers hugging strangers in bars... unique. :)

but because of my rampant reputation of being kaladkarin, it didn't take a sweat...to convince me to accompany them. --- Natawa ako dito. So can relate. :D

the geek said...

paranoia has its way of creeping into us sometimes...

just done let it "consume" you...

Aris said...

go with the flow. it will be interesting where it will take you. i hope to see you again soon on the dancefloor... or the ledge? hehe! :)

Mac Callister said...

hey nice to be back here hehe...

haha natawa naman ako bigla mo kinapa pockets mo!

pero baka may feelings siya sau or something?na kilala ka na nya matagal na and finally napakilala ka sa kanya

citybuoy said...

"sometimes you just have to bear the hurt in order for you to keep what is left from it. and at the end of the day, you just hope that you'll forget it, eventhough, you know it will be difficult."

so true. isn't it strange how it takes a place with crazy lights and loud music to hear that voice of reason within?