weekend pebbles

something came out from the back, crossed above my shoulder and reached my hand. i heard a name despite the beat pounding music. while a wide and warm smile illuminated against the flickering darkness as i turned for its source. it was one of the shadows that were seating infront of our table that dragging friday night.

so i gave a name as i reached for that hand.

"hey kirby, my friend actually wants to meet you. i hope you don't mind?"

surprised but still calculating, i turned to my friends to ask them for their opinion. and with their approval, i excused myself for a minute and followed the shadow as it made its way to its friend.

compare to other people of my age, i must admit i am a newbie when it comes to this kind of acquaintanceship. perhaps because i can't get along with other people that easily. for me, if i am already having a hard time talking to my friends' friends, then what more to people you meet inside bars. or probably i still haven't outgrown what my parents had taught us when we were kids, to never talk to strangers.

but i realized in a place like that, any gesture of politeness is the best response to any act of appreciation.

J was older than me. but J looks younger than i am, and definitely more fit. i offered my hand and gave the same name i gave earlier. but J didn't greet me with a smile. instead, J grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward its body and gave me a tight hug, one of the tightest hug i could remember. then that was the time, confusion began to sink in.

this was not the same response i used to read in knoxx's entries, nor the same scenes in tristan's tales and definitely, not among the perfect moves of THE tripper.

i might missed something, i thought. but what?

being the paranoid me, the first thing that came in mind was to check for my pockets. but it seemed like everything were still there, and that made me more confused.

J didn't talk that much and neither do i. most of the time, i would catch J just staring at me that made me really conscious. there were already a number of things running inside my head: and most of them were fruits of my own paranoia, meaning, its not good.

after three dances or so, i felt i had to go back to my friends, so i had to excused myself to J. but even before i left, J then grabbed my hand and gave me a tightier hug. and i don't know if it was just me, or i didn't really feel any malice from it.

it was warm but at the same time it felt very lonely.

as we made our way to my friend's place, i have realized two things that morning: one, that appreciation is so rare these days for it seems like everybody keeps on striving it for themselves, that they have already forgotten on noticing and giving one to others; putting so much effort solely on how they look, act, behave and even to their works. call it a pick up move, but receiving one from others is such a precious and wonderful feeling. and by saying this, i also realized that perhaps for most people, appreciation is also one of those simple things that keeps them from going back to such places.

***

going out the next night was not in my list of how to spend a saturday night that day. but because of my rampant reputation of being kaladkarin, it didn't take a sweat from another set of friends to convince me to accompany them.

but honestly, i am really hesitant with the idea. not because, i am only wearing a simple gray shirt, a pair of jeans and hiking shoes, but because of many virtual memories of the place. not to mention the fact that aside from my friends, A also tagged along.

the place was filled with a concoction of expensive perfumes, decorated with moving sophistication, and gorgeous smiles. never thought that my eyes would dance that intense than my body.

but when the crowd started to clear the ledge to give way for the special acts, faces emerged and all the virtual memories began to materialize. the hesitations became regrets and the rest of it left me to become as hard as a rock.

i remember a friend, who once asked me, how do you manage to keep them?

i answered him, i don't. i just try.

sometimes you just have to bear the hurt in order for you to keep what is left from it. and at the end of the day, you just hope that you'll forget it, eventhough, you know it will be difficult.

i admit, i over rationalize things, to a point it over boards to the negative side. i lack spontaneity when the situation needs it. i shut down my emotions eventhough its just about to ignite. and above all, i pretend to be brave just because i know i am scared: scared of doing the same mistakes again and getting hurt. but what i didn't realize was that those impulses, mistakes and fears can also come up with good things, right decisions and timely actions, because that affirms other people that one is still human, capable of loving and being love.

thus, as we left the bar, i allowed my impulse to finally embrace me. an act was made not to restore anything from the past rather to come up with an answer for the next day. until the answer stood infront of my window, waived me goodbye and ran as fast as it could until it disappeared for the second time--- again.

picture sources: www.loupiote.com