horoscope: a year ender/starter

capricorn (21 december- 20 january)
last year: ocean park, aquarium

huwag umasa sa mga online job posts. sa panahon ngayon, hindi na lang ikaw ang may access sa internet. isa pa, madaming tamad na HR. hate nilang nagbabasa ng almost one million job applications ng mga tulad mong nangangarap din ng isang trabahong hindi sa call center.

aquarius (20 january- 18 february)
binondo food trip

hindi lang sa pagkain nararanasan ang kaligayahan meron din nakukuha sa gym. it starts with the letter K... at hindi yun KANTOT (sa ibang blog yun), Kalusugan yung akin, Kalusugan.

at isa pa, kelangan mo na ding ma outgrown ang iyong oral fixation sa C. anak ng.. sabi ng sa ibang blog yun. Cigarettes ang tinutukoy ko, Cigarettes!

pisces (18 february- 20 march)
watch a play, reconcile with an ex

kelangan tapusin ang mga nasimulan. hindi binigay ang talent para ipagyabang lang. biyaya din itong dapat pagkakitaan.

sa panahon ngayon, kapag mahirap ka, past time lang ang talent, hindi ka mabubuhay diyan dahil mayayaman lang ang may K(ayamanan) maging artist. not unless, close kayo ni ellen o oprah

aries ( 20 march- 19 april)
write a novel,
dance all night

kung hindi na pabor sa iyo ang pagiging happy-go-lucky lang, baka kailangan mo ng bumuo ng sarili mong ambisyon at sungkitin ito. iba pa rin talaga kasi ang may tinanim at hinihintay kang aanihin kesa maghintay ng walang katiyakang mahuhulog. and no hindi niyo po akong pwedeng iinvite na neighbor dahil hindi po ako naglalaro ng farmville.

taurus (19 april- 20 may)
lose 20lbs, fly a kite
cook for family and friend

ang responsibilidad ay hindi isang salitang binuo lang ng mga martir o ng mga taong gustong mandamay sa hirap ng kanilang buhay. lahat tayo, kahit hindi naka indicate sa birth certificates natin, mayroon nun. at hindi lang yun tumutukoy sa sarili natin kundi sa ibang tao--- sa mga importanteng tao sa buhay mo.

gemini (20 may- 21 june)
banana split, check in a motel

hindi ka na bata para maglaro lang nang maglaro. dahil hindi naman kasalanan ng ibang tao kung pangit ang naging childhood mo.

cancer (21 june- 22 july)
enchanted kingdom

takte, beinte singko ka na! bring it on quarter life crisis! tandaan mo lang, hindi lahat ng success nadadaan sa laging pagmove forward. mayron din nanalo dahil sa pagsuko. so relatibo ang kasabihang quitters never win dahil in the first place, hindi naman sila goal manalo. may iba gusto lang talaga mag enjoy.

leo ( 23 august- 22 september)
dvd marathon

magsipag ka na. dahil MAY NAGTEXT... sawa na daw ang katamaran sa iyo. tatlong subject ka na lang, thesis ka na. at kapag nagkataon ontime ka pang gragraduate sa masters mo. kung anong gagawin mo after nun, saka mo na isipin. alalahanin mo muna kung ano ang magiging thesis proposal mo, ambisyoso!

virgo (23 august- 22 september)

hindi lang luzon ang lugar sa pilipinas at hindi lang pilipinas ang bansa sa mundo. at mayroon ding barko at eroplanong naimbento para sa henerasyon mo. hindi totoo ang sinabi ni bob ong na makakapunta ka sa new york, paris atbp sa pag inom mo sa starbucks. o kahit ang sinabi ng HEKASI teacher mo na mararating mo ang buong bansa sa nayong pilipino. sabi nga ng globe, abot mo ang mundo!

libra ( 22 september- 23 october)
isdaan
go to malate, make out with a stranger
talk to a prostitute

alam ko matagal mo ng gustong maging rabbit. ayaw mo ng maging messy at madugo sa pagkain. mahirap man dahil evolusyon na ang nagdikta, pero sabi nga ng billboard sa aurora, change is (still) inevitable. at hindi ka magiging traydor sa alma matter mo kahit mag GO GREEN ka!

scorpio (23 october - 22 november)
resign

siguro ngayon alam mo na kung gaano kahirap ang maghanap at maghintay sa isang bagay na parang hindi na dadating. at ngayong natanggap mo na siya, huwag mo na siyang hahayaang sa parehong courier pa mapadala ulit ito.

sagitarrius (22 november - 21 december)

overrated na ang saying na look for happiness. si barbie at mga magic ponies na lang ang naghahanap nun sa end of the rainbow.
hanapin mo contentment dahil hindi na yun nag eevolve into bigger complications, at dahil hindi din naman sila pokemon. ano daw?!

pero on a serious note, makontento ka dahil may kontento na kung sino ka at ayaw mo mang aminin, sila ang nagpapasaya sa iyo.

anak ng... yan ang ending!

*linked entries are part of my lifelist for 2009.
** and this entry will be part of my lifelist for 2010. wish me luck!

everyone has his own story

they grace earth with such color and elegance. redefining the word beauty as they strut their hips in such rhythm. their body nearly bare. clothes hanging almost on the edge of their souls. they laugh as if they were concealing something. they smile to atleast draw the same line on other peoples' lips (or atleast thats what their intentions were).

but despite their presence, no one really knew who they were or understood why there were there. and that even i, could not claim i know nor understand.

people, just like most people, only thought of one thing, that they are just sores that give their place a bad name.

someone once told me that eavesdropping and/or staring at someone is rude. but for me, judging them is far more worse.

the other night, we were having cups of warm drinks and a tasty conversation, when i noticed a group took the table just across ours. believe me, you'll never fail to miss them if you were there.

at first glance, i thought that they were just a simple group of friends having their regular afternoon tea. but then in an instant, i suddenly noticed how their eyes moved like winter birds and how their gestures caressed the air. it was an instant give away. but there was something more; their attention didn't settle to any man that passed them by.

it was as if they were into a hunt. a game that only the preys know.

suddenly the cafe's guard started walking away from his post. then i noticed the sudden but gradual change from his welcoming smile to every customer that walked in to an arrogance that could not be described, as he approached them.

in the table, one of them even raised his cup and took a deep sip. but it didn't stop the guard. then tension nerves appeared. the once fierce and calling eyes mellowed down to mere pairs of dark balls filled with fear.

i didn't catch what they were talking about. they were just too far from our table. but what i saw next, surprised me.

the guard checked and lifted one of their paper bags, with his arrogance still unmoved. i could see how difficult it was for them to answer and no one even tried to take back what the guard was holding. now, everyone is watching them.

what is the guard asking them? is he asking if they really bought those things? is he implying that they shoplifted it? why are they not reacting violently? why do they look so scared?

questions flew inside my head like papers being swept away by the afternoon breeze. i could think of a million possible scenarios from all the movies and stories i have watched and read. but it seemed like nothing really fit in. until the guard took the bag away and put it inside a box near his post. surprisingly, still no one in the table reacted.

so what's the real score?

when the guard put back his welcoming smile and stood beside the wide and heavy glass door again, the group started talking. they look like they were conniving and cooking something. one by one they stood up and walked toward different directions until only one was left.

then he stood up, went to the guard post and retrieved his paper bag. the guard took it from his shelf and politely handed it over to him. he then went back to his table and slowly finished his cup of tea. and the hunting game resumed.

after a while, i noticed a middle age caucasian passed by, went inside the cafeteria, ordered a cup of coffee and sat three tables away from us. it was no big deal since a good number of foreigners usually go to this mall. but that scene actually gave me, the huge piece of the puzzle that i am missing. and it was later confirmed when the caucasian walked pass us and casually sat beside him. then a transaction was made and they left the place together.

later that night, an acquaintance told us about how these groups are now being driven away by cafes inside this mall. despite the running courtesy rule of big coffee shops around the world, that prohibits them from doing so regardless if they are buying customers or not.

only in the philippines, he added.

in this kind of situation, i have only three things to say.

first, its agitating how people have devised ways to stereotype this kind of preference to mere act of prostitution, to a point that even celebrities or people with big names are of no exemption.

how we dress reflects only a part of who we are and not the entire story of our life.

second, its just sad to know that nowadays, a filipino can feel so alienated to his own country, whenever a foreigner is situated in the same place that s/he is. probably thats the problem of us being too hospitable to other people other than our own. we just keep on thinking foreigners are messiahs: great and kind. while us on the otherhand, are just any other brown skin guy up to something not good.

lastly, yes, i am against prostitution but not to those being prostituted (which i think should be more politically correct term for the word prostitute). thing is, not because someone does something immoral, makes us above them. the morals that we have, will never give us the right to do something bad against their like. there are proper venues.

now, i wonder. what if it will be a group of prostituted foreigners wearing the same kind of clothes and behaving the same manner as they do, will the guard still approach them? will the people around them think of the same thing against them? or will it be an entirely different thing?

come to think of it, all of us have our own flaws. its just that its different from others, for its based upon our own life stories. thus, this makes us not entirely different from them.

all of us have stories other people don't know and may not understand.

*photos taken from the movie irreversible

revelation of love

sabi nila, kapag inlab ang isang blogger, madalas hindi siya nakakapag update...

well, totoo yan!

at isa ako dun.

kinikilig ako. tinatamad akong magsulat. dahil mas madalas akong nakakapagsulat kapag nag eemo ako o may problema.

pero ngayon, masaya at inlab ako.

ang hirap humugot ng inspirasyon para magsulat. mas maganda pang namnamin ang kaligayahan kesa isulat...

so, kanino?

inlab ako sa kanilang dalawa.

kay Jason at Melissa... at may palagay ako, kayo din! kahit ayaw niyong aminin!

i love MELASON! big time!

are these for real?

noong una, ito lang ang paalala nila:

pero ngayon lumelebel at chumi-cheesy na sila:

may mga supporters pa.

love (heart) emo

hulaan niyo kung sino si dabo dyan.

may prize ang makahula. hahaha!

pero above all, super nabother ako sa news clip na ito

shit andami kong friend

ang hindi mapapatay kung ganun.

buti na lang! hahaha!

fear (and/of) understanding

a year ago, there was this one thing i couldn't really write about, amidst all the entries i have posted before, where i bravely brought my insights, as well as some experiences, when it comes to love, sex, homosexuality, incest, illicit relationships, social deviances and even some of my radical political leanings (even though, i know that not all readers will agree or at least understand it); and that topic was all about HIV.

see, i may not be as sexually active as most people of my generation. but i am still scared (for the lack of better term) of that tiny and sheer possibility of still getting it.

but someone once told me that fear actually comes from the lack of understanding. we fear about something because we either don't know what it really is or we don't do anything to at least make ourselves be aware of it. but whats actually worst is that, most of the time, because of this fear, we (conscoiusly or unconsciously) create prejudices and discrimination against other people. and we only have our ignorance to be blamed.

so just recently, i have finally pulled all the guts i have to face it.

surprisingly, i have realized, that courage is not actually about conditioning ourselves to be brave, it is simply making ourselves be aware and open minded, in order to overcome that fear.

so i have i thought of posting this video that really moved and made me cry last night. a video, which i believe is worthier than any video that either tells my song of the week, my love life status or even my current mood.

so please, spare a moment of your time for this. who knows, you might find your own understanding and courage from it too.

(i even transcribed the video for those who have internet connections slower than molasses... hahaha. just kidding!)

Intro text:

This is a story of a 25-year old woman from the Philippines, who discovered a world of compassion, acceptance and commitment upon falling in love with a man with HIV.

The following images and outsourced video clips you are about to see are used to protect their identity.

Voice Over (Girl):

Every girl has a dream wedding, where its a perfect day.

She'll have her perfect dress and marry the perfect man. And in front of family and friends, make a vow to love each other; for better, for worst; for richer, for poorer;

in sickness and in health.

I'm Reese 25 years old from Cebu. 2 years ago, I would have been your regular girl next door; carefree and naive, with typical hopes and simple dreams. But all that changed when i went to Australia to pursue further studies.

I just think to a new place was pretty hard for me at first. Aside from the relatives, i was staying with, i didn't really know anyone else. No friends at all. So i ventured into chatting and thats where i met Brian.

We were both into anime, liked the same shows, loved the same bands. The connection was just undeniably strong from the very beginning. And getting to know more about each other, quickly grew to liking more about each other.

Two months later, we were inlove. We started talking about the future one day. Then his past suddenly became a concern to me.

He's always been open about everything. So I knew about how he have been with a lot of girls and stuffs like that. And we were also learning about STDs in school at the time. So I just asked him bluntly, have you ever got tested for a STD. He said, he have been cleared four years ago. But I still encouraged him to take the test again.

...came week later, and everything came out negative. But shortly after, he received a call from the clinic asking him to take another test. They said he might have HIV.

I was dumbfounded. I was shocked. I was everything. I didn't even know how to react or what to say. All i knew was that i already love this man. And was willing to fight this so called disease with him. So i looked it up and got as much as information as I could and taught myself about it.

The final test came back positive.

It was July and I called my mom and she cried with me. But she never spoke ill about it or about Brian. She didn't tell me to leave him, to find someone else or something like that. She was thinking in a way like, what if Brian was my son? How would i feel? What if my son had HIV and people would shun him? Or think bad things about him?

My other relatives on the other hand, reacted badly about it. They would call my parents and asked why they weren't doing anything to stop our relationship. They said it was suicide and that I was stupid for still being with him.

My friends had mixed feelings. They weren't totally against Brian. They were just concerned about the risks involved. About me, possibly getting HIV as well.

As for Brian's side, only his mom, sister and two friends were told about it. They don't want anyone else to know and they deal with it differently. By pretending its not there. Thats there way of coping, I guess.

So in a way, we were forced to hide Brian's HIV status. My family was really the only support system he had.

Its scary how people are so misinformed and so quick to judge. They don't know that its not a death sentence. And they forget that those with HIV are still people. People who get hurt. People who can still love and be love.

I remember hearing mass with Brian one Sunday. and the gospel was about Jesus and the leper. About how lepers were atleast stigmatized and isolated from society. But Jesus still have so much love and compassion for them.

I started crying. I cried so hard. Somehow it touched me and I knew then we have God in our side, that He'd give us strength through it all.

Three months later, another surprise. Brian and I were strolling down a beach in Sydney. Then with a mood ring in hand, he asked me to marry him. I couldn't believe he took my fascination for mood ring seriously.

Though as sweet as it was, I didn't really have an answer. i wasn't sure if i was ready.

I have been single all my life and everythings always been just about me. So I spent my last three months in Autsralia with Brian and his family. And then those few blissful months, I found myself wanting and hoping to just be there for him; to be strong for him; to help him get better; to always find a way to make things good for him. My life was no longer just about me, that's when I realized that I was already committed to this wonderful man and was ready to share the rest of my life with him.

Shortly before coming back to the Philippines, Brian brought me back to the same beach, and proposed once again. This time he had a diamond ring and I had definite answer.

When we consulted doctors about having children, we were told that as long as he takes his meds, we can still have a healthy baby. There are ways and we can even do it the natural way.

YES! we can do it. With some precautions here and there, we can still do it. So we really are just like any other couple, but with three additional letters that have changed as both, for the better.

I was very much still like a child before all this happened, with no goals and responsibilities in life. Now, I'm like a straight arrow with Brian's well being as my target. He inspires me and makes my life more meaningful.

As for Brian, he now has a healthier lifestyle, his vices are gone and he's gone back to the Lord.

I have always seen him as a fighter. But now he is stronger and a whole lot more positive than ever. So life is great. I love my fiancee and will be his coach, team mate and cheerleader in his fight against HIV.

Every girl has a dream wedding and i'll have mine this December.

It doesn't have to be a perfect day and I don't need a perfect dress. 'Cause I will have Brian, my perfect man. And in front of family and friends. Some naive, some understanding. We'll make a vow to love each other. For better, for worst; for richer for poorer; in sickness in health, as long as it we both shall live.

Brian and Reese are set to tie the knot this December 08. 2009 in Australia.

CONGRATULATIONS!

puro porno

lately, saturday has been the only day of my week that i really look forward to since this is the only time i am busy. i have two classes during saturday, three hours each. the first one is an undergraduate class, which i need to take as an introductory for my degree. then the next one is a film graduate class about pornography. yes, pornography. and obviously, among the two, its the later one that i really look forward to during saturdays.

whenever friends hear about this class, their immediate reaction is always a surprise then followed by a question, "whats in pornography to study?"

at first, i really don't know what to answer. and i admit that when i first enlisted myself in this class, i was so so clueless. besides, its pornography. what does it has to do with me, right? (panaive look tapos finger in my lips)

until one meeting, during a discussion, someone raised the same question. a good number of arguements flew in the air. and you can sense that most answers have the inclination of feminism in them. and although, feminism and gender have always been my part of the pie, i decided to remain silent and listen to what they have to say. until someone finally got my atention.

he was from the same college that i belong, we were the only non film majors in the class. he said that, the other day he watched this korean guy's film, ninja assasin and find it way beyond the words violent and gore. then he realized, how come people can actually accept such violent and gore films that only promotes violence, killing and abuse but cannot tolerate pornography that depicts mere expression of human desire?

then the films, in the realm of the senses,

deep throat

and devil in miss jones

were played.

that night, i burned two boxes of porn cds.

montage

one lazy friday afternoon, four friends decided to meet for a late lunch. though shadows were still hiding beneath their limbs, the sky was already bleeding with warmth.

when food was served, no one gave a gesture. they just stared at it, silent and unmoved.

Jo took the spoon, that was placed neatly beside a chinese porcelain. the plate was inked with intricate designs and finished with a gold plating. he scooped a grain of what was on his plate. no one actually knew what it was.

then he slowly savored it, as it melted inside his mouth.

then he said, find a person who would challenge your love. never settle with someone who loves you more. it will bore you. it will distort every good things he does into mere flaws. and by the time comes, you'll just realize, what you have is not really love rather its suffocation.

Alex lifted his glass from the neck. he moved it and watched as the wine danced inside. when it stopped, he took a brief sip and garggled it inside his mouth. he made sure that the taste would stay around his tounge. then he spitted it, even before it touches his wanting throat.

then he said, people are fools to believe love. what they don't know is, it only permits one's sexual desire. it justifies a kiss, allows a hug and above all, it makes sex guiltless, which i think is how it should be in the first place. if i can have sex with anyone i want, then why do i have to chain myself in a commitment, right?

Max picked something out from the basket. then he rolled it in between his fingers, feeling its actual plumpness and texture. it was rough that could titilate his tastebuds. but it was too soft to hold that sensation.

he said, love is the most overrated thing in life, next to god. if this is so abstract and unexplainable like what other people claim it to be, then how come it has rules? it hurts? and most of all, it lingers? but its funny how we still keep on chasing it. eventhough they say that it was very unwise to do.

then Jude took the salt shaker and dropped it on the floor that made a thundering noise; that even shattered the tainted window pane. everyone suddenly became silent.

behind them, the sun had finally set. then the chilly night breeze came.

someone offered dinner. but everyone became silent again.

something to ponder about

source

A bunch of people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom

-Kat N., a wonderful friend

*repost*

today, december 1, is world AIDS day.

same day, gloria macapagal arroyo

is filing her candidacy

in congress

for the 2010 national election.

lesson of the day:

protect and respect

ganun ba talaga kahirap intindihin yun?

the condition

finally, i opened my eyes and saw myself catching my breathe and just staring at Js face in that distance for the first time.

in my head, i could taste those rotund sweat running across that warm face as if its steaming the sweetest melon drops. hoping, i could also savor them as it reached Js inviting lips. but i realized, it was already too much if i am going to do that. besides, we could no longer deny to ourselves that we were both selfishly satiated that night.

J was one of my early seatmates, whom i had a great crush before. but never had the courage to tell it. although, we were just sitting beside each other, we rarely talk. we found it very hard to strike a conversation, that probably made everything more interesting for me. never thought that silence could be that very sexy.

until one boring afternoon, J finally broke our distance. J came from nowhere, held my hand and placed it on the middle of those firm thighs as i gently gasped for my breathe. i looked at J, asking for reasons. thinking this could be just a dream, an unconscious impulse drawn out from my own desire. but J didn't look back, instead a soft smile was drawn from the side of Js lips, that confirmed that it was really happening.

eventually we found ourselves inside a narrow room, that was filled with this undescribable scent. close to a concoction of dry sweat and perishing desires of previous tenants who shared the same space. if only i could only read their stories behind these walls. and how the room is writing ours.

source

J stood infront of me and held my head close. i could feel both of our bodies flaring with intolerable warmth until the moon decided to hide behind the passing clouds. while the stars briefly shut their eyes. innocence and realization clashed.

after everything returned. J stood from the bed, went to the corner and gathered the past on the floor. while i stood up from my back and asked the night, if this will happen again?

then J looked back at me and smiled while closing the first buttons of Js already dulled uniform. this sealed our sole silent agreement.

days and nights passed, and life went through as if nothing really happened. we were still seatmates and hosts to each other, whenever the urge came knocking inside our crotches. we did it almost everywhere. most of the time, in the most unconventional places or wherever our drives would kick in.

until finally, i found myself slowly falling for J. i sent J messages almost every nights, thinking that probably will be atleast friends or hopefully even more. but J never really replied back. J changed numbers through numbers but would text me eventually to inform me about the new one. and this would read to me as let's meet, i am horny.

as if we made a great leap from being regular seatmates to just fubus, that we have already surrendered our only ticket in becoming friends or lovers for that matter.

at the time when our silence was already driving me nuts, i decided to confront J after painting our own night again. i finally confessed what i really felt. how i wanted to start from scratch again and take the path we never took. hoping that we might be heading to a better journey. but i guess it was already too late.

we never saw each other again.

J was my first. and evertime i recall what J was to me, it reminds me of how life is indeed full of conditions. and sometimes the hardest conditions are those that are unexpected and unsaid.

in our case, i could have sex with J until my desires bloat. but i lost the word fantasy along the way. i can love J everytime we do it. but J can never feel the same way as i do. and these were the conditions i actually missed out.

what makes conditions hard is proportional to what you have to sacrifice. but how come when you love, these conditions don't necessarily apply to both parties? how its easier for one and difficult for another? and how come the sacrifices actually differ.

then i have realized, perhaps we can never really have everything that we want. thus, we are expected to do the best decision among all the options we have.

a tribute to friendship: one of the reasons why i love my college days part 2

"o bangon na, magnenevada daw tayo. pahiram ulit ng tshirt mo. hindi ako nakapagdala ng damit eh."

"puta ka! hindi mo pa nga nababalik yung mga pants ko."

she had this beautiful sets of long, colorful and wavy pants, about a three inches below the knees, that i love to wear to school. i never returned a single pair back. but i still keep all of them with me until now.

as cheesy as it may sound, we found another family in our friendship, that made our college days and nights more fruitful and worth recalling. i believe that its something not every college graduate is blessed.

even after we graduated, we have constant communication with each other. we would surprised each other with unexpected visits, eventhough some of us are back in our own provinces. catching what happened to our careers, lovelives and yes, even our sexlives.

until one day, she called for a meet up.

"talaga?! congrats!" S shouted with full astonishment.

"where?" i excitedly asked.

"in london. i just received the letter yesterday. the scholarship will cover everything for my masterals, except for the lodging, ofcourse. if i'll be able to finish all the requirements before the month ends. then perhaps i'll be leaving next month na."

then the realization dropped on us like heavy chunks of ice. we were happy that she had such opportunity abroad, but sad because someone has to leave again. its just hard to live in a country where citizens are their major exports, as if the state thinks that their people don't have friends, families or just simply apathetic.

a year swiftly passed by, but we heard nothing from her. she didn't leave us her numbers, never replied to our messages nor contacted us through friendster or facebook. we missed her and at the same kinda woried. but we have high hopes that she'll be able to tumble down any obstacles she may encounter in london. until i received an contact invitation in my facebook yesterday. it was her.

i immediately accepted her invitation and went to her page. left a message there saying, HUY! PUTANGINA KA! MUSTA KA NA, HAYUP KA! MISS NA MISS NA KITA! I LOVE YOU!

our sociology professor once told us, you can only and truly curse the people you love, that is why we learn to address each other with profanity.

it didn't take long when she replied back. we shifted in using IM. i could feel that there was something different based from the tone of her messages. she was not as perky as she used to, as if she was not that excited as i was. and most of all, she didn't curse back. until she finally admitted she is already in the country since last december, that she is now renting a condominium in qc, with her family. but what surprised me the most was when she said, "magkaka-inanaanak ka na ulit next year."

"what?! are you pregnant?"

"ay hindi, sa kuya ko close kayo nun di ba?! malamang sa akin. 5 months na."

"sinong ama? oh no, don't me tell me taga-london yan."

"hindi, sira. tinatanong pa ba yan?"

"oh no, si M?!"

"andami mo namang oh no... OH YES, si M nga."

"che! hahaha! hah? e di ba may nabuntis din siya dati?"

"oo. pero hindi sila magkasama. and he doesn't know."

"wait lang ha. medyo sumakit ang gspot ko sa iyo. bakit?"

"saka na. i've decided to tell him kapag nalabas ko na para isang paliwanagan na lang."

i was speechless after reading that line. i knew that shes strong, like she has always been. but in a strange way, she made me feel that she needs me, she needs us.

"whatever happens, or if you need anything, never hesitate to contact me ha. kahit ama para sa magiging anak mo, pwede ako."

she laughed.

"hey. seryoso ako," a long pause.

"salamat."

i could picture her crying.

we're both crying.

a tribute to friendship: one of the reasons why i love my college days

it was hard not to notice her for she towered most of the girls in the assembly ground that day. though she was silent, there was something in her that makes her mysterious and very appealing. she was definitely the safest choice, if people decided to ask that stupid question, "who is your crush in the block," which i think is every acquitance bonding's favorite.

as expected, the question was then raised during our first block inuman. but in my surprise, among all the boys in the block, she actually chose me. but took the shot straight when she was asked why. perhaps thats where all the ackwardness between us began.

for more than a semester, she was nothing to me but a blockmate. a classmate who i always saw in all of my classes. a fellow student who i nodded whenever we passed each other in the lobby. nothing more, nothing less.

but when we reached our sophomore years, where we were asked to choose what major we are pursuing, i was actually surprised to see her in my first social anthropology class. for i really thought she would take economics since she was one of those who excelled in math.

we were only 7 students in our block, in that program. probably because those who took economics had better foresights of whats ahead of them compare to ours. nonetheless, this gave us opportunities to know each other more. we decided to take the same subjects for each semesters, exchanged notes, held weekly inumans and even do each others' projects and papers. until we just realized were already living under the same house, her house.

eventually, i learned that she was actually not that silent at all. that she is an open book for those who are brave enough to ask her but ofcourse, worthy of it. that despite her intimidating beauty, built and personality, she was just a simple girl but with a very welcoming heart. thus, we instantly become good or better yet, the best of friends.

"isn't that, you had a crush on me when we were in first year." i asked her one chilly night while we were under the same blanket, sharing a single sized bed together with a couple of our close friends (which we seldom did before and i miss a lot).

she laughed and said, "yes, i did. and i repeat, i did."

"bakit hindi na?"

"because i realized you are that kind of friend, that is too precious to be risked and lost."

i was speechless. it was one of the sweetest thing i've heard from someone up to the present. i never felt so much appreciated.

whenever allowance were delayed and we have nothing, not even a faded cent, she was always there to help, eventhough she too was just depending with her groceries.

for days, we will stay in her place, collect what was left from us, if any. then buy and allocate food. we would feast with pancit canton (the official college student stable food), eggs (which we experted all the ways of cooking it), cold rice poured with toyo and oil everyday, until all of us were financially stable. there were even times when we would finish each meals without drinking.

but the memories worth really remembering were the times whenever one of us needed someone to lean on and talk to, we would meet in her place and drew good things out from it. i believe that i would never be the same person if not of those talks.

you see, studying in a place, where you are hundreds of miles away from your family, is not as easy as it may seems, especially in your first years. yes, its great because of independence. you can do whatever you want with limited PARENTAL supervision. but there were times, most of the time, when we would just catch ourselves crippling because of homesickness and depression without anyone beside us. and the chilly and gloomy weather of the city worsen it all.

"hey whats the matter?"

"nothing," then she immediately hid something under her pillow and wiped her eyes dry.

"cmon, spill."

"nothing."

then i would grab her neck until she confess. you see she has a large funny bone in that area, that i could easily bring her down to the floor, helplessly, by just placing my hands between her neck and shoulder.

"oooo-kkk-a-yyy, ee-rriikk! i give up."

"alright, i am listening."

"its M (her jawy boyfriend), i think he is seeing someone else in manila."

"din't we just talk about it the last time? are we suppose to remind you of what we told you?"

"thats why i don't want to bring it up."

"can you blame me (us), if we always see you that way?"

"just let me be."

"and what? to see you just like her?" i pointed the tv, which had kris aquino in the national news crying.

"you're a million times of what he has you in him and you know this for a fact. and if all hopes, including boys failed you, always remember that i'll always be here for you."

then she smiled. we both smiled.

to be continued...

bitchesa experiment vol. 2: farmville, sino ka sa tatlo?

minsan ko lang tong gagawin kaya makinig kang mabuti at sana mabasa mo ito, balang-araw.

*pasintabi sa mga maaring tamaan. ang susunod na entry ay naglalaman ng mga maseselan bagay na maaring ikamatay.

sabi nga sa isang pelikula, "walang mukha (o katawan) ang libog." so huwag kang mag-aassume na hot ka at sa iyo na umiikot ang mundo dahil lang madami ka'ng booking.

"kahit kailan ay hindi ako nagandahan sa mga hayup na tinotnak ko sa bukid," yan ang di ko malimutang sabi ni mang laryo ng mahuli namin siya sa aktong nakikipag seks sa kalabaw.

para daw sa kanya basta may butas na papasakan at may init na mararamdaman, solb na ang malibog at lonely na matanda. at marahil yan din ang sinasabi ng lahat ng booking mo. marahil isa ka lang mainit na butas para sa kanila. isang tasang tagasalo ng walang paglagyan init. yun lang.

hindi din dahil sa malibog ka pa sa baboy na bulugan, ay may karapatan ka ng bombahan ang buong mundo ng iyong lutong gawgaw at paglaruan ang kanilang nararamdaman. hindi lahat ng tao, tulad mo. partida, clinasify pa kita bilang tao. pasalamat ka.

naawa ako sa iyo. daig mo pa ang galising aso, na nagpapakamot kung kani-kanino. nagkataon lang ng beneath the skin ang mga lungib at naknak mo, kaya may kumamot. hay, kung alam lang nila.

actually, mahihiya pa nga sa iyo ang aso kapag tatabihan mo. ganito, payo ko, iligo mo yan. siguro kulang ka lang sa hugas. matinding hugas. o di kaya naman ay lumaklak ka ng isang galong caladryl tapos kayurin mo ng steel brush. ayyy, bigla akong nanghinayang sa steel brush.

malaking ang kinaibahan ng pagiging optimitistic sa pagiging delusional. malaking-MALAKI. di kaya umakyat na semen mo sa utak mo? o kaya ganyan na amoy mo dahil nag papawis ka na ng precum? well, kung anuman man, AGAIN, iligo mo yan! walang lagkit ang hindi nawawala sa malamig na tubig.

tol, hindi kasalanan ng mga tao kung naghahanap sila ng mga taong magmamahal sa kanila. natural yun. kaya may nagtitiwala, may nagmamahal at mayroon ding nasasaktan. pero kung ang dahilan kung bakit sila nasasaktan ay dahil sa panloloko ng tulad mo ibang kaso na yun.

kahit sabihin nating may consent sila, kahit hindi sila naging maingat o hindi nila nagawang mag-isip bago naniwala sa iyo, hindi pa din yun sapat na katwiran para sabihing wala kang kasalanan.

hindi, wala.

wala kang atraso sa akin. dahil hindi din naman kita papatulan pagnagkataon. malas mo lang dahil kinanti mo ang mga kaibigan ko. pero wag ka mag-alala hindi ako baba sa lebel mo, kaya pasalamat ka dahil hindi na kita papangalanan pa. basta alam mo naman kung sino ka. pero kung talagang makapal na ang kalyo ng pagmumukha mo, hayaan mo na lang na ang karma ang magpaalala sa iyo.

the night the table speaks

No started the night by asking Yes: "given a chance, would you still choose in being gay or would you opt in being straight?"

everyone in our table became quiet. the sudden silence signalled the night, that they actually made a deep thought about it.

Yes answered, "i am sticking with my decision. I would still choose in being gay."

"but hey, is being gay even a decision?" No exclaimed.

"i don't think so," veto immediately replied back.

"but i believe it is," confirm rebutted.

then the table was divided into two and a fruitful conversation started. some argued, including myself ofcourse. while some chose to be silent and just listened what they have to say.

No said, "i would rather choose to be straight because its easier. living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha." i already saw people aghasting but No continued. " i just think its easier. you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight. plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

source

and the discussion went on until the wee hours of dusk.

personally, i believe that being gay is a choice rather than a fate.

but i know that by saying this, many will argue. some will say that if we opt in recognizing it as a decision, it gives an impression that it can also be wrong; that it can be revoked or can even be cured.

but deciding in being gay is not always an instant decision. it doesn't come out from kissing, having sex (and actually enjoyed it) nor admiring someone of the same sex. its a product of vast array of relevant experiences.

you see, all of us are born heterosexual by default. as we grow old, we acquire certain traits and behaviors from the experiences we meet along the way. and by the time we reach our maturity, we are then expected to conform to what our society dictates, or for most, expects: boys are to girls and girls are to boys.

but if an individual feels hesitant about entertaining the norm, then another perspective comes in: another option arises;homosexuality. this is where it becomes a decision. but then again its not an easy jump off.

just like any life decisions, it requires a lot of thinking: to either take the accepted option or opt in taking the route of what an individual believes he belongs.

in a way, i understand where No was coming from and basically i think that there are a million reasons why living a homosexual life is always difficult.

"...living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha."

practically, a family is believed to be vital in promoting social and personal security, especially at times when one reaches the later part of his/her life. but for an individual whose such right is either prohibited or unexpected, a homosexual is left with no other choice but to doubt what is ahead of him/her.

i think, in a personal level, the notion of a family is still chained against the conventional picture of what a heterosexual family is; that it should always have a father, a mother and child/ren. that is why, for most (aside from having offspring/s of their own), homosexual partners trying to build a family also problematize and struggle who will play the assigned familial roles. eventhough, (both) partners are not comfortable with it.

i never believe that an individual needs a family to secure himself of his future. for me, its basically how you live your life. how many friends you've gained and kept? how many goals you have acomplished? how many people you've made a difference and who will be with you at the end?

"you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight."

ofcourse, everything changes when your family is put in the picture. it might not be as easy as reading this entry, but i think it should not hinder one from being who they really are and in saying so, being who they really are makes them a better person.

i think its about time for parents to realize that being gay nowadays, is different from the image of the gay they grew up with. that the diversity of being a homosexual is just like being any heterosexual, that they are not boxed in a single stereotype. that they can also live and suceed with life, for there being gay maybe different from what we were used to but it should not be considered as a life impairment nor a disability.

"plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

honestly, among all the arguements No raised, it was on this line i was moved the most.

when i got the chance to know the first gay couple who got married in baguio city through the blessing of the sacred union, it gave me hope that gay marriage could actually work in the country. but when i recently heard that they just broke up, i admit it broke my heart too. but not my hope. call me idealistic, but for me, as long as i can see gay and lesbian couples who are struggling to keep their relationships going despite the prejudices and doubts people are throwing against them, i will never stop believing.

source

living a gay life is indeed difficult. but who said life is easy? regardless, if you are gay or not, life is always harsh. but these difficulties are inevitable and at the same time important for us to realize and appreciate the lifetime we had by the time we reach the ends of our own separate roads.

pangamba ng pag-iisa

ni nestor de guzman

paano sasagutin
ang pangamba ng iba
sa aking pag-iisa?
kung malalaman lang
ang di-lantad kong buhay.
nakalima nang asawa;
ngayo'y limang ulit nang separada.
di kabilang ang nakasintahan
nang kung ilang oras, araw, linggo.
sinamba na't kinahumalingan;
itinuring na ring basahan,
laruan, kasangkapan.
Naging maybahay, kalaguyo't puta.
Ilan nang giliw at muhi,
luwalhati't lumbay
ang isinilang at inaruga.
Kung nag-iisa man ngayon
ay dahil alam na,
at tanggap,
ang uubra't di uubra.
At di na kailangan ng isa
para maramdaman
ang kagandahan ng sarili,
ang kabuuan ng pagkatao,
ang kabuluhan ng buhay.
Kung malalaman lang
kung gaano kakulay
sa dilim at kasukalang nilandas
sa pag-unawa ng pag-iisa.
Ang mahalaga,
natutong magmahal,
nagmamahal ako
at magmamahal.
Ito ang katuturan,
kahit nag-iisa.


note:

that day, after finishing this book, i said loneliness goodbye.

Galing Cine Cafe
Nestor De Guzman
Lambana Press, Quezon City