Wednesday, November 11, 2009

the night the table speaks

No started the night by asking Yes: "given a chance, would you still choose in being gay or would you opt in being straight?"

everyone in our table became quiet. the sudden silence signalled the night, that they actually made a deep thought about it.

Yes answered, "i am sticking with my decision. I would still choose in being gay."

"but hey, is being gay even a decision?" No exclaimed.

"i don't think so," veto immediately replied back.

"but i believe it is," confirm rebutted.

then the table was divided into two and a fruitful conversation started. some argued, including myself ofcourse. while some chose to be silent and just listened what they have to say.

No said, "i would rather choose to be straight because its easier. living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha." i already saw people aghasting but No continued. " i just think its easier. you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight. plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

and the discussion went on until the wee hours of dusk.

personally, i believe that being gay is a choice rather than a fate.

but i know that by saying this, many will argue. some will say that if we opt in recognizing it as a decision, it gives an impression that it can also be wrong; that it can be revoked or can even be cured.

but deciding in being gay is not always an instant decision. it doesn't come out from kissing, having sex (and actually enjoyed it) nor admiring someone of the same sex. its a product of vast array of relevant experiences.

you see, all of us are born heterosexual by default. as we grow old, we acquire certain traits and behaviors from the experiences we meet along the way. and by the time we reach our maturity, we are then expected to conform to what our society dictates, or for most, expects: boys are to girls and girls are to boys.

but if an individual feels hesitant about entertaining the norm, then another perspective comes in: another option arises;homosexuality. this is where it becomes a decision. but then again its not an easy jump off.

just like any life decisions, it requires a lot of thinking: to either take the accepted option or opt in taking the route of what an individual believes he belongs.

in a way, i understand where No was coming from and basically i think that there are a million reasons why living a homosexual life is always difficult.

" a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha."

practically, a family is believed to be vital in promoting social and personal security, especially at times when one reaches the later part of his/her life. but for an individual whose such right is either prohibited or unexpected, a homosexual is left with no other choice but to doubt what is ahead of him/her.

i think, in a personal level, the notion of a family is still chained against the conventional picture of what a heterosexual family is; that it should always have a father, a mother and child/ren. that is why, for most (aside from having offspring/s of their own), homosexual partners trying to build a family also problematize and struggle who will play the assigned familial roles. eventhough, (both) partners are not comfortable with it.

i never believe that an individual needs a family to secure himself of his future. for me, its basically how you live your life. how many friends you've gained and kept? how many goals you have acomplished? how many people you've made a difference and who will be with you at the end?

"you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight."

ofcourse, everything changes when your family is put in the picture. it might not be as easy as reading this entry, but i think it should not hinder one from being who they really are and in saying so, being who they really are makes them a better person.

i think its about time for parents to realize that being gay nowadays, is different from the image of the gay they grew up with. that the diversity of being a homosexual is just like being any heterosexual, that they are not boxed in a single stereotype. that they can also live and suceed with life, for there being gay maybe different from what we were used to but it should not be considered as a life impairment nor a disability.

"plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

honestly, among all the arguements No raised, it was on this line i was moved the most.

when i got the chance to know the first gay couple who got married in baguio city through the blessing of the sacred union, it gave me hope that gay marriage could actually work in the country. but when i recently heard that they just broke up, i admit it broke my heart too. but not my hope. call me idealistic, but for me, as long as i can see gay and lesbian couples who are struggling to keep their relationships going despite the prejudices and doubts people are throwing against them, i will never stop believing.

living a gay life is indeed difficult. but who said life is easy? regardless, if you are gay or not, life is always harsh. but these difficulties are inevitable and at the same time important for us to realize and appreciate the lifetime we had by the time we reach the ends of our own separate roads.


the geek said...

at dahil mahaba, ill print this and come back later for my comment.hahaha

or text ko na lang.

dabo said...

it is a sad situation when "gay et al" is equated to life, it is not even a virtue or an attitude to start with..

Galen said...

Basta ako, pag may role playing na. Gusto ko maging mommy. May pangarap pa akong mang-away ng titcher sa PTA at magpakain ng anak sa Jolibi. Lolz.

I don't have any substantive thought about your entry Ewik, except I agree that being gay (as a lifestyle) is a choice.

And like what "Zanjoe Maduro" said to "Albert Martirez" in one blog entry. The only assurance of permanence we have is in the company of good friends.

That is our saving grace.

line of flight said...

everything is a choice... and yet, many times, we have no other choice -- as the unconscious struggles to be conscious.

rudeboy said...

I think we're being myopic when we start defining the quality of our lives (read:happiness) based largely on our sexual preferences.

True, our lives are influenced to a certain degree by our sexual orientation, and true, being gay is not a bed of roses.

Then again, neither is being straight. Hetero marriages break up all the time. Hetero does not automatically mean happier. Homo does not automatically mean miserable.

The human condition is marked by the fact that we are given certain cards to deal with: ugly, goodlooking, rich, poor, healthy, disabled, smart, stupid. Dealing wisely with the cards we're given - the choices we make - is what determines whether we end up winners or losers.

xtian1978ii said...

I don't know really pero ewik something was missing sa buhay ko, ewan ko kung dahil sa trauma ito or what pero somehow nasagot noong nag-give-in ako sa lifestyle

nasagot ito when I "choose" to finally give in

Niel Camhalla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the geek said...

lucky are those who have families in which being a gay is not an issue. in the end though, it will still be our choice and who will be brave enough to walk with us.

speaking of family, it has a variety of meanings. but then, will you agree with me that a family maybe constituted by two people of the same gender sans children?

(i have a feeling you will become a good father someday...)

Anonymous said...

because to think is to be human. wouldn't this be a better world if it indeed is a choice and not a natural predisposition (if there really is such a thing)? bow.

[text mo ako kung nahulaan mo kung sino ako]

John Clive said...

"you see, all of us are born heterosexual by default."

Citation please. Where did this come from? Babies are supposed to be sexually unaware, aren't they?

Dagger Deeds said...

Standing up for your sexual preference is a choice but I don't think you can really choose not to be gay.

I strongly believe that there's nothing more miserable than a gay person who isn't being true to him/herself, especially by adapting to what those straighties do.

And family is where your heart belongs di ba? Hindi naman siya yun g structure mismo wherein there should be a dad, mom, etc.

Anonymous said...

very well said ewik. i'm speechless. na cover mo halos lahat ng angles nung argument. when it comes to this particular "question" kasi, i try not to think about it. sumasakit kasi ulo ko kakafigure out kung ano ang tama at ano ang nararapat. but i would like to think that slowly, i'm figuring things out.

Trip said...

i would agree to most but not to this. "you see, all of us are born heterosexual by default."

all of us are born either male or female. homosexual or heterosexual is a behavior, not a biological or genetic characteristic of an individual.


red the mod said...

Labels are societal inventions designed to distill the essence of an individual into a paradigm that's socially acceptable and easily comprehensible. This being said, being gay or straight is such an absolutist generalization of a person's value. We are much more than our sexuality, and whether or not we decided on this is inconsequential as to what we do with our lives.

There really is a difference between sexuality and gender, and often people mistake that being gay means being effeminate. This being the stereotype propagated by the myopia of our cinematic consumerism. We, as educated men, have that responsibility to disprove this misconception.

Not by establishing that one can espouse homosexuality without portraying a supposed softer albeit weaker gender, but rather the value we gain from what we make of our lives.

And by doing good with our lives we show that one can never equate success from the models the middles ages have ingrained - a family life, married, with children. We can seek our own fulfillment, beyond what the social contract stipulates, but rather what the spirit knows to be true, that happiness is a choice.

We are, after all, human first.

anteros' dominion said...

@wandering commuter..alin ang nagpaulit ulit sa utak mo, ang orinoco flow ni enya o yung tinig ng langit?ahehehehe..maraming salamat sa pagdaan sa aking blog..

yung tinig ng langit (yata ang title) ni reuben laurente ay mapapakinggan mo sa simula ng programa nina amy perez sa dzmm (after ng delayed simulcast nila ng bandila), yung kasama si bobby yan..ang title ng program ay about me and you

nais ko mang magbigay ng kuro kuro sa iyong blog post, subalit mas pipiliin ko na lang tingnan ang argumento ng mga nauna sa akin.

sapagkat nabanggit na kasi nila yaong nais kong sabihin

engel said...

like you said, gay or straight, life is difficult. it's how you see things, and how you work to get what you want (lasting relationship).

i'm going to share this with a friend who's in a state of confusion right now. =)

citybuoy said...

very interesting. i agree that life is indeed difficult and being gay shouldn't influence your whole life. it's just a part of it.

Teban said...

Hi. I am new to your blog. But I hope you won't mind me following you. I bloghopped from friends' links and I found your blog interesting too.

Sexuality is really an interaction between nature (hereditary) and nurture (environment).In Psychology and in sexual identity theories, we distinguish between sexual orientation and sexual identity.

Sexual orientation - whom you are physically, emotionally, and cognitively attracted to is said to be inborn (homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual). In psychology we prefer to use orientation than a preference. Freud actually hypothesized that our default is bisexuality and culture is the one that shapes to either heterosexual or homosexuality. But again, this is debunked since what he might have meant was sexual identity.

Sexual identity, on the other hand, is one's identification if he/she is gay, lesbian, straight, queer, trans or even as a plant (if you want). This component is a decision (but not an overnight decision - as you have said it is a process). And sexual identity can change over time - Rustom changed from straight to gay to transgender Bb. =)

So one can be homosexual in orientation but in identity straight then over time change into gay then to transgender. =)

Just my thoughts. =)

Yj said...

everyone in our table became quiet.

someone in that table remained quiet hanggang uwian.... nag brain hemorrhage si bakla hahahahaha

shetness naman kasi...

but seriously, my sexual orientation is just a part of who i am, not WHO I AM.... as Geek said, i am one of the lucky ones na never naging issue sa family ang kabaklaan ko.... dahil pag nagkataon, baka hindi ko kayanin ang mga pinagdadaanan ng iba....


PILYO said...

Being a gay is NOT A CHOICE. Because ur right, once condemned, it can be revoked and cured. The “gay behavior” is the choice. You can be effem or crossdresser or straight acting like a real men.

wanderingcommuter said...

dabo: amen...

galen: aaawww. ang cute. naiimagine ko na! hahaha! tapos ikaw nagdadala ng bag at waterjug. hahaha! at dahil jan like ko na din si zanjoe or yung writer nun.

line of flight: i agree...

rudeboy: i think challenges spice up life... and you're right its a matter of how to play your cards. diskarte lang yan!

xtian: paanong give in? sa buhay o sa tao ba ito? hahaha! biro lang!

neil: sorry hindi ko agad nareplyan yung comment mo. sayang nalimutan ko na yung mga tanong mo... huhuhu!

the geek: definitely... naks naman, thanks! but i doubt it!

anonymous: kilala na kita... ikaw si NO noh? hahahaha!

john clive: try trainspotting by irvine welsh.

i think the moment we were drawn out from our mothers' wombs and the doctor, midwife or what have you, shouted if you are a boy or a girl, is where your "heterosexuality" begins there. for everyone around you starts to impose what your name is, what you wear, what surrounds you, basically, your sexuality based on what is on your pelvis. homosexuality as an option just later comes in when you reach your sexual maturity.

dagger deeds: Standing up for your sexual preference is a choice but I don't think you can really choose not to be gay.

i felt very bad nung nabasa ko ito... for i know a couple of friends who are still struggling in fighting who they really are. and they actually admit it that they're fighting it... for the reason of their family and the life that is ahead of them. sad reality.

maxwell: hey thanks. pero this is just my own opinion based from my own experiences. contextual kumbaga. never stop thinking and discovering beliefs of your own. those that would work for you in living your life. smile!

trip: hmmm... okay i am stand corrected... tama ka, mali si irvin welsh! hetchu.

red: yup. these are the reasons why i keep on posting these kinds of topics.... and yeah, your right, We are, after all, human first. thanks for your very insightful comments...

anteros: yung kay enya... hahaha! naku hindi ako maka AM pero sige para sa iyo papakinggan ang negosyo diva one time. hehehe!

engel: i hope it will help... tapos pasabos a friend mo miss ko na siya. matagal na siyang hindi nag cocomment sa akin. hehehe. wink wink!

teban: hey feel free po... thank you. but hey isn't that freud is already debunked? hehehe.. curious question lang po. trivia ba. hehehe...
but i certainly agree on most... thanks for dropping.

YJ: hahaha... but i love how those curious eyes were... sobrang inaabsorb mo talaga... and you listen, a rare gift, if you'll ask me.

sabi nga namin, youa re blesses. very blessed. ikaw na ang umuwi ang nanay galing japan para ipagtanggol ang iyong kabaklaan? hahaha!

pilyo: its nice to hear another opinion... :)