Tuesday, November 24, 2009

the condition

finally, i opened my eyes and saw myself catching my breathe and just staring at Js face in that distance for the first time.

in my head, i could taste those rotund sweat running across that warm face as if its steaming the sweetest melon drops. hoping, i could also savor them as it reached Js inviting lips. but i realized, it was already too much if i am going to do that. besides, we could no longer deny to ourselves that we were both selfishly satiated that night.

J was one of my early seatmates, whom i had a great crush before. but never had the courage to tell it. although, we were just sitting beside each other, we rarely talk. we found it very hard to strike a conversation, that probably made everything more interesting for me. never thought that silence could be that very sexy.

until one boring afternoon, J finally broke our distance. J came from nowhere, held my hand and placed it on the middle of those firm thighs as i gently gasped for my breathe. i looked at J, asking for reasons. thinking this could be just a dream, an unconscious impulse drawn out from my own desire. but J didn't look back, instead a soft smile was drawn from the side of Js lips, that confirmed that it was really happening.

eventually we found ourselves inside a narrow room, that was filled with this undescribable scent. close to a concoction of dry sweat and perishing desires of previous tenants who shared the same space. if only i could only read their stories behind these walls. and how the room is writing ours.

J stood infront of me and held my head close. i could feel both of our bodies flaring with intolerable warmth until the moon decided to hide behind the passing clouds. while the stars briefly shut their eyes. innocence and realization clashed.

after everything returned. J stood from the bed, went to the corner and gathered the past on the floor. while i stood up from my back and asked the night, if this will happen again?

then J looked back at me and smiled while closing the first buttons of Js already dulled uniform. this sealed our sole silent agreement.

days and nights passed, and life went through as if nothing really happened. we were still seatmates and hosts to each other, whenever the urge came knocking inside our crotches. we did it almost everywhere. most of the time, in the most unconventional places or wherever our drives would kick in.

until finally, i found myself slowly falling for J. i sent J messages almost every nights, thinking that probably will be atleast friends or hopefully even more. but J never really replied back. J changed numbers through numbers but would text me eventually to inform me about the new one. and this would read to me as let's meet, i am horny.

as if we made a great leap from being regular seatmates to just fubus, that we have already surrendered our only ticket in becoming friends or lovers for that matter.

at the time when our silence was already driving me nuts, i decided to confront J after painting our own night again. i finally confessed what i really felt. how i wanted to start from scratch again and take the path we never took. hoping that we might be heading to a better journey. but i guess it was already too late.

we never saw each other again.

J was my first. and evertime i recall what J was to me, it reminds me of how life is indeed full of conditions. and sometimes the hardest conditions are those that are unexpected and unsaid.

in our case, i could have sex with J until my desires bloat. but i lost the word fantasy along the way. i can love J everytime we do it. but J can never feel the same way as i do. and these were the conditions i actually missed out.

what makes conditions hard is proportional to what you have to sacrifice. but how come when you love, these conditions don't necessarily apply to both parties? how its easier for one and difficult for another? and how come the sacrifices actually differ.

then i have realized, perhaps we can never really have everything that we want. thus, we are expected to do the best decision among all the options we have.


Anonymous said...

hmm what's with bloggers like you or citybuoy or nyl or specially galen.. nagpapagalingan ba kayo mag-english at magkwento kung paano nyo isisinsulat ang takbo ng inyong buhay.. maybe it's the season..

but anyway,

sabi na nga ba't hindi lang sa dahon ng gabi nakikita ang higad, sa classroom din pala. yes ikaw yun. lol.


red the mod said...

Well written sir. Vivid and heartfelt.

The first love is the most heartrending. It grasps your very soul, forever leaving an indelible mark in its wake. You seek to experience that novice sensation, that naivety you once had with succeeding partners. But, always, they will fail in comparison to the first one whom your heart beats for.

Chyng said...

that's just life. aminin mo nag-enjoy ka naman. carry na yun! *wink*

alam ko tumawag si dabo, kala ko tlaga dapat magdress sa 28! haha di pa..

Chyng said...

di pala*

anteros' dominion said...

sabi nga ng advertisement ng pulitikong mukhang labis na'y kulang pa rin--di ka nagiisa

baka one of these days, ikuwento ko rin ang pagiging tanga ko sa pag-ibig

ingat parati

nga pala, konti na lang yung kulang ko para sa downpayment..mga nasa 90k na lang ang kulang...

citybuoy said...

beautiful post. very insightful. sabi nga nila first cut is the deepest.

"what makes conditions hard is proportional to what you have to sacrifice."

tama ka. and it's funny because kahit ang laki ng risk factor, we still gamble with our hearts. i guess that's the funny thing about love. kahit gaano siya kascary, andami paring nagririsk.

@dabo ~ tumalon puso ko kasi anonymous nakalagay. aba't akalain mong may special mention ako? haha

thecurioscat said...

nalungkot ako

btw, syet galing ng pakwento mo Ewik

jinnakexds3 said...

nice post! ^_^
this just made me think...
what we feel may not be what the other person feels...

Yj said...

wandering commuter representing MAKATI CITY......!!!


Teban said...

Oh my god. this is so beautiful. the story and the language.

"if only i could only read their stories behind these walls. and how the room is writing ours." --> i love these lines. =)

hay first loves.. do they never really die?

"then i have realized, perhaps we can never really have everything that we want. thus, we are expected to do the best decision among all the options we have." --> i think NOT only making the best decision but also ENJOYING the path that you chose is also important. =)

i feel that you did not regret in confronting J ("after painting our own night again" --> i love this too) and confessing how you felt. =)

tim said...

oh, just ride with the wind.. hehehehe

alimuom.atbp said...

maybe if you just continued with the charade but then, it would have ended the fantasy. try again...

B.A.D said...

You scared him off! Things would have been different if you played along 'his' music.

Something you might wanna consider next time you fall for someone.

Victor Gregor said...

"we can never really have everything that we want. thus, we are expected to do the best decision among all the options we have."

how true. multiple choice, select-the-best-answer.

rudeboy said...

"then i have realized, perhaps we can never really have everything that we want."

Someone once told me that we can have everything that we want - just not all at the same time.

hugh said...

buti ka nga may sex life e. hahaha!

ghwace said...

astig astig,, brave to spill out these infos.. rock on.

Aris said...

hay, pag-ibig. masarap na masakit.

damang-dama ko ang bawat salita ng isinulat mong ito, my friend. beautiful! :)

Brent a.k.a. yourkidatheart said...

"perhaps we can never really have everything that we want." - someday... somehow... you just might will. :)

Manech said...

How this echoed so much of my own. Looking back, mine was more of a series of consequences, a choice leading to another, until the options become too risky for him to handle; I was also the definite one.

This was honest and beautiful. I felt it. Thank you.