the condition

finally, i opened my eyes and saw myself catching my breathe and just staring at Js face in that distance for the first time.

in my head, i could taste those rotund sweat running across that warm face as if its steaming the sweetest melon drops. hoping, i could also savor them as it reached Js inviting lips. but i realized, it was already too much if i am going to do that. besides, we could no longer deny to ourselves that we were both selfishly satiated that night.

J was one of my early seatmates, whom i had a great crush before. but never had the courage to tell it. although, we were just sitting beside each other, we rarely talk. we found it very hard to strike a conversation, that probably made everything more interesting for me. never thought that silence could be that very sexy.

until one boring afternoon, J finally broke our distance. J came from nowhere, held my hand and placed it on the middle of those firm thighs as i gently gasped for my breathe. i looked at J, asking for reasons. thinking this could be just a dream, an unconscious impulse drawn out from my own desire. but J didn't look back, instead a soft smile was drawn from the side of Js lips, that confirmed that it was really happening.

eventually we found ourselves inside a narrow room, that was filled with this undescribable scent. close to a concoction of dry sweat and perishing desires of previous tenants who shared the same space. if only i could only read their stories behind these walls. and how the room is writing ours.

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J stood infront of me and held my head close. i could feel both of our bodies flaring with intolerable warmth until the moon decided to hide behind the passing clouds. while the stars briefly shut their eyes. innocence and realization clashed.

after everything returned. J stood from the bed, went to the corner and gathered the past on the floor. while i stood up from my back and asked the night, if this will happen again?

then J looked back at me and smiled while closing the first buttons of Js already dulled uniform. this sealed our sole silent agreement.

days and nights passed, and life went through as if nothing really happened. we were still seatmates and hosts to each other, whenever the urge came knocking inside our crotches. we did it almost everywhere. most of the time, in the most unconventional places or wherever our drives would kick in.

until finally, i found myself slowly falling for J. i sent J messages almost every nights, thinking that probably will be atleast friends or hopefully even more. but J never really replied back. J changed numbers through numbers but would text me eventually to inform me about the new one. and this would read to me as let's meet, i am horny.

as if we made a great leap from being regular seatmates to just fubus, that we have already surrendered our only ticket in becoming friends or lovers for that matter.

at the time when our silence was already driving me nuts, i decided to confront J after painting our own night again. i finally confessed what i really felt. how i wanted to start from scratch again and take the path we never took. hoping that we might be heading to a better journey. but i guess it was already too late.

we never saw each other again.

J was my first. and evertime i recall what J was to me, it reminds me of how life is indeed full of conditions. and sometimes the hardest conditions are those that are unexpected and unsaid.

in our case, i could have sex with J until my desires bloat. but i lost the word fantasy along the way. i can love J everytime we do it. but J can never feel the same way as i do. and these were the conditions i actually missed out.

what makes conditions hard is proportional to what you have to sacrifice. but how come when you love, these conditions don't necessarily apply to both parties? how its easier for one and difficult for another? and how come the sacrifices actually differ.

then i have realized, perhaps we can never really have everything that we want. thus, we are expected to do the best decision among all the options we have.