Monday, April 6, 2009

the dream girls: si S

earlier, i was surprised to receive a message from a friend in baguio asking, how am i? nothing really special about the message but it is more of who sent it, it was S.
S and I met in one of the groups that i have been before. she was three batches younger than me, silent and quite aloof with the rest. but in a way, she have managed to make her way to our attentions, that she even became one of our housemates.
eventually, we became good friends, started talking about our lives and had our backs with our problems. we became good pals, inshort. we were inseparable, sleep beside each other and talked almost anything.
but after a while, i felt a sudden change in her. she began moving away and would not talk to me anymore. without any hints or ideas of what could i have done, i just let it be. i literally paid her silence with silence as well and allowed the days to passed without talking to her.
eventually, i learned from a common friend the surprising reason for S' sudden change; S developed something "special" to me. i almost collapsed after hearing it. at first, i refused to believe since i know that S knew the reasons why i can't commit myself to anyone that time. but when people started talking to me about it, it confirmed the nightmare i am trying to avoid, that is a friend falling inlove with me.
S began talking about it with most of our friends and knowing the circle we have, it became a running tease in our group. i tried ignoring that fact, pretending as if i am not affected and continue with my life. but at the back of my head, i felt really sorry for her. for i knew, how is it like to love someone who cannot love you back "simply" because i was also nursing such pain during that time.
i know it would really be very unfair on both parties, she was too good to be a rebound and having her as one of my closest friends was the only and best thing that i could offer and i want it to remain that way.
months and years have passed, but the silence and the gap between us never left. it was difficult. considering the fact, we are living inside the same roof. usually we would just pass each other as if both of us were invisible and would just force to speak only if seriously needed.
later on, i have heard that S commited herself to someone, a woman. but it didn't take a while when i heard that they weren't able to work it out.
one night, i was surprised to see her standing infront of my door while i was lying on my bed. she asked me if i could have a word with her. i agreed. she lied beside me and she told me everything that she hid from me. then she bursted into tears. i remained still and told her everything i longed to tell her after hearing what she felt.
basically, i apologized for not being sensitive to her feelings. i should have stopped the moment i felt change on her gestures and should have not intruded too much of the things that would lead to her heart. i was also on the verge of crying but i tried all my might to stop it. i told her i want her back as one of my closest friends again.
the night passed without our notice until i just realized that everything that we had before started returning back. after that conversation, she stood up from my bed and bid her farewell as she retired to bed.
after that night, i honestly believed that everything will be back to normal. but it seemed like no matter how i approached her, she would just keep on giving me the same dead response that i have started getting used to. i don't know if it was because of the reactions being thrown to us by our friends or the impression she got from that conversation we had, but if there is one thing that i am definitely sure of, that is, something indeed changed just because someone have already crossed the line.
today, i texted S back and told her, i am fine and asked her how she is? but she never replied back.
some people believe that friendship is the best foundation for a strong relationship. but for me, i always believe that it is essential for one to recognize and respect the line between friendship and love. honestly, i value friendship more than any form of romantic relationships. thus, id rather have someone to be my friend than to have a friend-lover and risk it all.
yes, i have tried having a friend as a lover before and even befriending an ex. but believe me, it is very difficult to establish or bring back the friendship, once both of you decided to split up. it seemed like you either have to make the relationship work til the end or lose everything on one blow. or probably, it would still depend on the person that would juggle the relationship.
but so far, personally, the line in between those two things is staying, at least for now.


Lance said...

yey.. first to comment.
unfortunately, i am packing up now to leave the coffee shop since it's already late. but i saved this page as an offline file so i can read it later in my room..ehehehe!

nova-san said...

Friends and lovers. That's the hardest relationship to have. I've seen too many great friendships ruined when lines were crossed. Because although you can always jump back across the line, you've already been to the other side, and that experience will not change.

I am sorry for both of you. Sorry for her that she cannot have her heart's desire fulfilled, and sorry for you that you cannot give her what she wants.

Both sides are painful.

Eternal Wanderer... said...


Romantic liasons, come and go, but true friends will always be at your side.

That's why, from experience, it's always best to invest in friends rather than chase the moon.

Ely said...

Reminds me of my cousin. For one year, we were roommates back in highschool. I would often catch her sitting on her bed, looking at me. I asked her once, and she said she's praying. LOL.

Pero never naman niya ako iniwasan. In fact araw araw kami nun nagdedebate sa kung ano-anong bagay. Sometimes napapaiyak ko siya kc ayoko magpatalo. hehehe.

Nalaman ko na lang yung about crush-crush after one year na. FRiends pa rin kami.

oo7 said...

i fell in love with my best friend and the i told her...she started moving's been a year.WE don't talk at all..i called her million times..but she just wouldn't talk to me.
i know how it feels...
my blog smell is in her memory.

something in me still wants that friend back...i hope she does com e back.

srry mate...after reading your post i just couldn't hold on...

Mugen said...

Lessons Learned. :)

Yup, no matter how you try to make things normal, things will change. Swertihan na lang, if even just a speck of the past remains.

line of flight said...

when the fantasies recede, your lover ought to become your best friend -- in my opinion.

but the other way around, it seems requires a deception. if that deception is from one friend, then the truth of the crush will not lead to a relationship. but if both are deceiving the other, then it is possible -- unusual but possible.

parteeboi said...

Hehehe. I can somehow relate.

"for i knew, how is it like to love someone who cannot love you back "simply" because i was also nursing such pain during that time." - So Sad. :-(

"id rather have someone to be my friend than to have a friend-lover and risk it all." Happiness comes with risking. Friends will always be there, friends understand.

So sad naman...