you remembered the scene but you forget how it felt.
its quite hard to posit yourself on such situation. for me, its quite paradoxical to know that the same memory that makes you happy is the same feeling that makes you sad.
last night, i hopped inside a bus on my way home, struggled to look for an empty seat and ended up sitting somewhere on the far end of the bus. when i have finally sat down, my sweat continued to pump non-stop. i can actually feel that any moment now, heat stroke will attack even in the middle of the night. i immediately reached the aircon nossles and directed them both to me. but its emission was still not enough to lend me any comfort or relief. even i gave up. then suddenly, i just realized that it was the same seat that A and I used to take.
alone, i recalled how we touched each others' hand, how i worried about things that happened before i start my day and laughed to the things that passed as A's day ends.
i held my hand with the other, thinking if it would give out the same feeling, but it wasn't. i surprisingly remember A's hand to be rough, that it tickles mine even in the slightest move. the lines were prominent and deep, that it usually pinch some parts of my palm. A's fingers were big, probably twice than mine and sometimes it hurts when mine goes in between A's fingers. i remember the shiver, the sweat, the butterflies in my stomach. but none of those appeared last night.
i also remembered that it was always a long ride. but despite the time it takes, we were always glad that it took that long. sometimes we even wished for the bus not to reach its destination. we were fine having that moment, sitting beside each other, holding each other's hand and thinking of the road ahead of us---silently.
but the absence of how it exactly felt lingered in me as if it was haunting my spine. that no matter what i did, no matter how i convinced myself, i still couldn't bring back the same feeling i used to crave.
in short, i remembered the scene but i forgot how it felt
then suddenly, the first rain poured heavily in the middle of the summer heat and continued until tonight. i finally felt what it partially felt, at least in a way.