jumping dresses over hot heads

come to think of it, we came from the same school of thought, social sciences. you are in psychology, while i am in social anthropology.

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although we (should) know, how "glamorous and empowering" these fields are, considering we are able to explain and observe human behaviors and interactions, we are still bound to its flaws and shortcomings. thus, we should not put ourselves above the rest. for regardless how predictable and general human behaviors can be, we still cannot limit them on certain categories and underestimate how human mind works.

no wonder we don't have laws and just rely on theories, and these theories are never constant either. they evolve, give birth to another and will never stop until they become a law--- until absolute truth is reach (which i believe is still a long way to go).

for you, crossdressing and transgender are abnormalities. while for me, it is a matter of preferrence. basically, what i am just driving at is the moment you tag them as abnormalities or disorders, you are already implying that they are atleast a disease, contagious or genetics and curable or controlable.

but, in my perspective, it is a preference. cross-dressers and transgenders are like that because they chose to be one, reared by their personal and social environments and not by certain gay genes or hormones.
although, most would argue that hormonal stimuli are still factors to be considered, it could still not be denied that such identity is brought about more by their own personal decision.

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then, you raised that it is scientific, that through psychiatry and its empirical means, psychology or atleast you have established that such cases are indeed abnormalities and disorders.

but history have already decided this, through the 1973 convention by the American Psychiatric Association, where they have already removed homosexuality as a mental disorder and not universally viewed as a pathology.

if these are still not enough, then lets just simplify things for the benefit of you and to those who are not in related to our field. perhaps, you are starting to tag me as know-it-all again.

but you have said it yourself, whenever you attend mass. it annoys you how much the church could be judgmental and discriminatory to homosexuals. but how is this different from your standpoint?

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following the analogy, if church views it as evil, while psychology deemed it as an abnormality, would it also be the same if we say that while bible condemned it as a sin, psychology books identify it as a disorder?
i (will) never impose my standpoint into to you or anyone vis-a-vis the discpline i belong, and neither tell you that you should drop yours to give way to mine. for me, this was suppose to be a healthy arguement regarding interdisciplinary views to homosexuality, but the moment, you called me, "makitid ang utak," that was beyond my patience to endure.

i tried being as objective as i can be, like most of the arguement i had been. but you were the one who pushed me to my subjectivities. i am sorry, if i called you names. i am sorry, if i wasn't able to meet your expectations. and i am sorry, if i can't change myself and my opinions just for you.
let's just drop this off.

* ewik in his pa-intellectual tampuhan blues.
** no, this doesn't happen often. i can still make tampo because of lovelife, sexlife or even with the kikay earings that you are wearing-- and see i can also be konyo! (probably, joaqui is now laughing and enjoying this!)
*** and above all, no i am not a crossdresser or transgender, not because i find something wrong about it. or do you also want to have a piece of my pa-intellectual tampuhan blues?

**** this isn't funny, dabo, don't laugh?! hahaha.

charantia: bitterherbs

too much sweetness in the air, it makes me bitter

short time chase

"aren't you getting tired?"

"of what?"

"of this chase that you keep on doing?"

"believe me, if i do, you'll probably cry?"



"i just don't understand why you keep on doing this eventhough you know it will not last."

"because this is the only thing and time where i can be myself even for a shortwhile."

faghog virus: another unforeseen pandemia

when everyone keeps on contemplating how it feels to love someone who cannot love you back, cheryl on the other hand, is actually thinking the same thing but with a different baggage. 

she is fond of loving guys who cannot love her back simply because they share the same preference. but despite this, cheryl is optimistic. most of the time, she continues seeing and/or loving them thinking of two reasons: first, that is if she continued being with them, they will atleast end up being friends and her feelings toward them will fade: or second, she will be able to convince them to go "back" to the other table and end up on her side. 

when cheryl and i first met, she was the kind of person that knows what she wants and does everything to get it. she has a very assertive personality that she would not have second thoughts in saying what she feels straight to your face. at first, i felt quite intimidated by her. but when she began dropping her wall and opened herself (not figuratively), i saw her vulnerable side.

cheryl confesses that she is a proud faghog, straight people that hog opposite sex gay people for themselves, and its not the first time she fell for a gay man. she explains that she easily get attracted with them because they are more sensitive, emotional, has a better sense of humor and sweeter than most of the straight men she have met and dated. 

moreover, she had a number of incindents where she confessed her feelings to them. but none of these incidents came to her side--- until she met Jerome.

Cheryl and Jerome are officemates. they easily got along since they were assigned in the same department at work. they would smoke together, share lunch and almost inseparable. and as expected, Cheryl found herself falling inlove to him. until one night, Jerome asked for Cheryl's shoulders because of a problem that was starting to affect his life and their work. he confessed that he was gay and nursing a broken heart, after his partner left abroad and told him he doesn't believe in long distance relationships. 

Cheryl was rattled with the realization that she fell for another again. but this didn't shake her ground. she pursued and later on confess her feelings to him, which didn't take the two of them to end up together. 

call it rebound but who cares! cheryl exclaimed as she was telling the story.

for her, loving is a risk and like most hopeless romantics, she believes that love knows no boundaries, faces nor gender. and although loving is not learned, atleast its worth giving a shot. thus, she or they pursued. 

until one day, which happened to be a week ago, she contacted me and asked me to meet her up for dinner. there she confessed, that after three months of going steady with Jerome, she found out that he was actually seeing another guy behind her back. she never confronted Jerome about it and for the first time in her life, she lost all her guts to tell what she feels to someone. she felt scared because of the possible outcome of breaking up and her hesitation left her so helpless. 

i really felt bad for cheryl. but in a way, i don't know who to blame. if its her because of her persistency in pursuing someone who she knows in the beginning is gay or Jerome for entering into a relationship that is beyond the boundary of his true preference and not keeping up to that committment he made.

knowing cheryl, i didn't say a word or any advise to her because i am confident enough that she knows what i am going to say. i realized that whenever she has problems all she just needs is to someone to hear her rants and someone who she can vent out her frustrations and problems. 

she texted me again earlier and it was inevitable for me to ask how they were? she told me she will still keep the relationship and ignore first what she found out. she really wanted it to work. thus, she is willing to adjust and hopefully through time, Jerome will realize her worth. 

i really don't have any qualms about it. but my only concern is how this relationship will end up. indeed, cheryl is not throwing stones to the moon and such relationships do exist. but there are just cases from which a person just needs to respect another's preference, in order for them to work harmoniously. 

perhaps, i could never understand how this kind of set up works because to begin with, i am not the person who is investing emotions here. i just hope that wherever this relationship leads, cheryl will be able to enjoy the true happiness she deserves.

inarawan, rizal

we were driving along a common destination: antipolo viewdeck, facing the metro and wait until the daybreaks. with just limited cash in our pockets and a load of enthusiasm, we bravely hit the road in the middle of the dusk.

its been really a very exhausting week for me. although there were really nothing much to do, which is probably the point. i just feel my soul drained dry of all the spirit to take another step further.

now, i could think of a million reasons to drop everything down, turn my back and just take a break. i couldn't really care much now. all i could think of is just to pause and completely shut myself down.

we were driving for more than two hours already and there were still no familiar landmarks ahead. we've took wrong turns and went back countless times, but were still persistent to continue. until the road ahead began to be darker. the number of vehicles decreased and we began scaring each other but the excitement flared on me--- once again.

probably, i have been thinking too much lately. scared of what is waiting ahead. i keep on analyzing too much that i have overlooked spontaneity. i realized that there are things that we could never foresee, factors that require risks and above all, a potential courage that needs to be awaken.

we were still driving. but no view deck nor elevated view of manila. there were just two lads struggling to find their way in the middle of a dark road, somewhere along the boundary of rizal.

it was already 3 in the morning and we're still unsure where to go. it seemed like were already far from our supposed destination. we passed by a sign stating sierra madre resort, 14kms. ahead, that doesn't sound right.

so we decided to park the car, spend the entire time there and wait for the sun to rise. there were only a couple of houses along the road and i could hear dogs barking outside. probably out of exhaustion, we easily retired inside. there were times that we would wake up, checking if the sun is about to rise and it was a long 3 hours, before the sun illuminated and revealed the entire scene. we were surprised to see that we were actually parked on a view deck but instead of overlooking the cityside, it was the otherwise and instead of facing the east we were looking at the west.

but what was infront of us was far greater than we have expected. we saw mountains over mountains, running green terrains reaching the clouds, scent of wet grass and morning dews that delighted our senses and the mild morning breeze greeted as the car proceeded.

in a way, i missed the laid back life in the province, where life is relatively simplier.

then we passed by this small house and saw an old woman at her backyard.

i asked jepoi, when was the last time you watered a plant?

he just smiled. he forgot, i guess.

we decided to go back home to manila. but thought of dropping in libis for the famous eat-all-you-can breakfast buffet. as we pigged in to our plates, i have realized that somethings going to change--- atleast for the better.

i have decided to file my resignation this week for the promise of a simplier life. period.

when i dreamed about snakes

the other night, i had one of my oddest dreams ever, next from the one that made me jumped over our terrace and gave me a broken patella. it bothers me, for its been a while since i last dreamed as bizarre and clear as this one. most of the time, there is only this feeling that i actually dreamed about something but i tend to forget them the moment i wake up.

but this dream was way different. as far as i could remember, i was standing on this flat ground made of reddish clay. there were flag lines (banderitas) floating in the air and people were happily dancing in such weird way. it was as if they're--- hopping.

it was a frolic view. i even find myself following their beat. but in my surprise, i saw hundreds of snakes crawling and striking our legs when i looked below. i immediately backed off and looked for a higher ground but it seemed like i was surrounded with vipers and constrictors.

i was on the verge of crying for help but it seemed like the people around me are making no buzz about it. they continued hopping and dancing as if it didn't bother them.

source

luckily, it didn't take me that long to wake myself up. but somehow, i felt a sudden difficulty in pulling myself out of my bed.

the dream bothered me too much until the next day. so i tried checking it over the internet and looked for its interpretations. and this was what i got.

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

source

basically, there are only three interpretations that struck my attention. first, it signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. second, it symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. and lastly, it represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

pretty much, i have a good idea what these interpretations are, in lieu of my life. or probably the human mind just had this complex thing that it enables one to look for the smallest details on how it could relate such in us. no wonder clarvoyance and horoscopes are such a hit to most of us.

there are only a small number of people that knows this fear. basically, i came to a point in my life that i have bothered myself too much with it. coincidentally, i found myself stumbling upon blogs and readings that tackled the said topic. but i chose not to let my presence be felt to them. i drowned myself into it for days: thinking and assessing it in almost all angles of my life. it makes me paranoid just hearing it, to tell you frankly.

but in my surprise, whenever i open this up to my friends, they discussed it as if it was just a regular thing and that they are firm with their stand. thus, i chose to be silent and decided not to talk about it in this blog, just until now.

come to think of it, the first interpretation is actually linked to the next. honestly, the lifestyle that i chose is somehow different from my friends. though i don't really know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. probably, i just don't find the need for it, that i don't believe that it is the venue for me and as much as i want to be optimistic about it, i just don't see what i am looking for in such. or probably, i am just scared and fear the consequences it entails, especially i am not the cautious type of a person.

luckily, the last item was able to pull me back to myself and affirmed the decision i made. it affirms that i am on the right track and that prevention is the only thing that will save me from it.

as i was ending this post, i realized that life itself is indeed a snake. although it seemed like its physically helpless, we still fear it because we know what it can potentially do to us. but we tend not to be bothered as long as we don't feel it presence. thus, we take it for granted. but just like a snake, life has it lethal fire back, if we don't observe ample precautions, it i sinevitable for life to attack an$d cripple us even before we actually know it.

appreciated

cj was one of those freshmen, craving for attention and trying to enter the senior's circle of the group. he was hyper active and was tag as boy bibo by most of us. but i never conceived it as something positive. probably because we were the complete opposite.

i was always the aloof one, trying to be a loner and observing a distance from everybody else. i never desired for attention and just wanted everything to be done by my own. in short, i deemed myself as the non-team player. but being the head of the group, i was obliged to socialize from the rest of the members and made sure that the group was intact. so it was inevitable for our paths to cross.

one day, 3 hours before our play starts, i was busy finishing and polishing some props and stage designs, when CJ popped up from nowhere. he was one of the supporting actors of the play and had the least thing to do while i was the technical director. since he was done with all of his rehearsals, he approached me and started eyeing what i was doing. although i know he was just getting my attention again, like he usually does, i felt really annoyed, especially because i get easily irritated whenever someone is disturbing what i am doing and to top it all up, he was actually insulting it.

i silently sighed and told myself, to be patient for he is just a freshman. i ignored him and continued what i was doing. but he would not just stop, i calmly asked him not to bother me since i am cramming. i moved all my things to the veranda and continued finishing it there. but CJ was really testing my patience. he followed me, picked one of my paint brushes and started stroking what i was doing. a heavier sigh moved my chest. then random thoughts spurred inside my head until i found myself asking him, minsan ba, hindi mo narerealize na hindi ka naapreciate ng ibang tao? (don't you sometimes realize that people don't appreciate you?)

then there was a sudden silence. puzzled, i slowly looked at him and saw his lips wide open, eyes bursting with tears but no sound came out of his mouth. i realized that he was not just offended, he was crying his heart out. he immediately ran inside the house, opened the door and hailed a cab. everyone inside was surprised and it created a big commotion within the group. but i did not run to follow him.

in a way, i felt guilty. but at the back of my head, i thought he deserved it. sometimes we just need to get hurt in order for us to have a wake up call.

three months had passed. CJ was still not talking to me. but i am not moved either. but i really felt his gradual change. he was no longer fishing for attention and quite sensitive in relating to others. i thought what i did actually helped him.

until one day, he started talking to me again. but it was no longer the way he used to. i saw his smile but it was quite different from before.

i know, i have seen that smile from others' faces before--- oh right! he's inlove! and later he confirmed.

i never saw him that happy before and it looked like my biases for him faded as well. he confessed that he is dating someone from another organization and was really thinking of taking it seriously. honestly, i was very happy for him.

then a month passed, CJ was no longer attending our meetings and i didn't see or felt his presence for a time. well, i understood. the guy is courting someone. what can we do?
until one day, i saw him slowly walking along the pathway; head down with a blank face. i never saw him that way or probably i am just not used of seeing him in his down moments. i asked him if he was alright? he just gave me a nod and went straight home.

i wondered what bothered him. then i saw the person he was dating with my former roommate, having the time of their lives together underneath oblation. in a way, i understood what he was going through.

then after an hour, i saw his housemates panicking. they informed me CJ committed suicide. it became a big news in the campus. fortunately, he survived.

weeks after, he was back again. but now with a bigger smile despite the murmurs of what he have done. he remained on his ground and pretended as if nothing really happened--- his life or better yet his second life continues.

the semester ended and another came through swiftly. then someone told me CJ was not enrolling and transferred to another campus. years passed and we lost contact. the campus also forgotten what happened. until one day, i have heard CJ was actively involved in another group in their province and was no longer with his family. until, i have heard that he already joined the movement. i was surprised. i never thought with my wildest imagination that a former freshman who once entered our audition, with a perky smile and whimpy attitude would sacrifice everything and hold a gun to fight for what he believes and uphold the rights of many.

i never heard from him anymore. the last time i saw him was here in manila which happened to be just a coincidence. we had a small chitchat in the middle of an ongoing rally which i just happened to pass by. he told me about his experiences, how he adjusted massively, and how fulfilled he was in what he is doing now.

his words moved me. i was actually having second thoughts if i am actually speaking to the same person. then in the middle of our conversation he asked,

do you still remember the time when you made me cry?

i chuckled.

do you still remember the exact line you have told me?

i paused and made a nod.

thanks--- that was the last word he said to me.

GOAL!

i am tired of getting the same reaction from my friends whenever they see me. 

"tumaba ka, anong nangyari sa iyo?"

its always the same line and never fails. so in return, i also don't fail giving them my same reply.

"kasalanan ko bang mayaman na ako at madami akong makain."

then expect someone to laugh. yes, i still laugh with them. although its not the first time i have used it. i think probably its part of the script. 

last month, my law school blockmates and i went to tagaytay to have some lunch and thought of touring around. there were pictures all over the place, of course. but when the pictures were uploaded, the reality just sank in-- that i am indeed getting heavier. 

coincidentally, a friend from baguio thought of uploading some pictures of us way back during our college years as well. and basically, the difference from how i look before was way different from now. it really bothered me that i was finally convinced that attention is indeed needed. 

i remembered my ex once told me, whom i partly blame for the sudden weight gain, you don't really have to famish yourself in order to lose weight, you just have to cut or regulate it. 

so i did. 

surprisingly, it didn't take me that long to notice the results. i almost jumped non-stop one day when i attempted to try two old pairs of jeans that i have stopped using for almost a year and aghasted when it fit again. 

people from work also began noticing the abrupt weight loss and kept on asking what i did. there is even this one time, while we were waiting for the elevator. one of my "healthy" officemates stood near me and said, we look like before and after in those slimming commercials. i almost lost my head off laughing. the next week, people began cutting their meals as well. some skipped lunch while most resorted in just eating oatmeal. in short, being fit became a trend.

now, i am just enjoying the new line people are saying to me, "hey, you've lost weight. what did you do?"

"i dunno. probably my metabolism is not as slow as i thought it was." then i walk away with my head higher than everyone else. then gave out a wicked smile and that mr.-pogi-wink. 

so how much did i loss? believe it or not, its a whooping 20 pounds in barely two weeks. no kidding. and from the last weight count, where i already stopped my routine and just regulated my eating habits, i have already lost a total of 25 pounds. i am still targetting another 20. but i thought losing that weight drastically is a little bit scary so i decided to give it a rest and continue again the next month. 

so far, i am making an improvement. although hitting the gym again is far from the resorts i have. hopefully, a little joggin around up will do the trick and knowing myself, ill be needing more hope than what i currently have

summer feeling

you remembered the scene but you forget how it felt. 

its quite hard to posit yourself on such situation. for me, its quite paradoxical to know that the same memory that makes you happy is the same feeling that makes you sad. 

last night, i hopped inside a bus on my way home, struggled to look for an empty seat and ended up sitting somewhere on the far end of the bus. when i have finally sat down, my sweat continued to pump non-stop. i can actually feel that any moment now, heat stroke will attack even in the middle of the night. i immediately reached the aircon nossles and directed them both to me. but its emission was still not enough to lend me any comfort or relief. even i gave up. then suddenly, i just realized that it was the same seat that A and I used to take.

alone, i recalled how we touched each others' hand, how i worried about things that happened before i start my day and laughed to the things that passed as A's day ends. 

i held my hand with the other, thinking if it would give out the same feeling, but it wasn't. i surprisingly remember A's hand to be rough, that it tickles mine even in the slightest move. the lines were prominent and deep, that it usually pinch some parts of my palm. A's fingers were big, probably twice than mine and sometimes it hurts when mine goes in between A's fingers. i remember the shiver, the sweat, the butterflies in my stomach. but none of those appeared last night. 

i also remembered that it was always a long ride. but despite the time it takes, we were always glad that it took that long. sometimes we even wished for the bus not to reach its destination. we were fine having that moment, sitting beside each other, holding each other's hand and thinking of the road ahead of us---silently. 

but the absence of how it exactly felt lingered in me as if it was haunting my spine. that no matter what i did, no matter how i convinced myself, i still couldn't bring back the same feeling i used to crave. 

in short, i remembered the scene but i forgot how it felt

then suddenly, the first rain poured heavily in the middle of the summer heat and continued until tonight. i finally felt what it partially felt, at least in a way.

the son

this year's summer is terribly horrible. it reaches the point that i would wake up in the middle of my sleep soaked with sweat and forced to hit the bathroom and take a quick shower. i haven't had a decent sleep lately because of it and seriously, its driving me nuts.

but i didn't think that day would be hotter. i was riding the train on my way to work, still dripping with sweat, when suddenly i felt someone staring at me. i tried looking around to find where its coming from and in my surprise, i saw those pair of eyes not far from where i am standing at. 

those eyes were full of expression and probably one of the most attractive eyes i have seen. if it was not excitement, then i couldn't think of anything else inside it. i looked away and tried checking it on my periphery but it seemed like it was still staring. i tried making a glimpse and there it was still locked on my direction. the feeling was starting to be uncomfortable. probably, because i am not used to this situation.

the train stopped and doors opened. people hopped out while some moved in. most of the passengers are pushing and struggling their way inside. in my surprise, those eyes were already beside me without my notice. we were looking at the same direction, outside the window. staring the setting sun behind those towering buildings at everything swiftly passes, as fast as the adrenalin crazily rushing inside me.

i am quite familiar with the situation from the blogs and films i have seen. but its indeed different once your ass is into it. all i have to do now, is wait. if those eyes are really into me then it will make the first move. i even catched it staring at me thrice. so i know, i am the game. but no move has been done yet and were fast approaching my station. when the train reached my drop off, it was mix emotions. i was grateful for nothing happened but on the otherhand, the frustation and regret were annoying me. 

i was already standing in the escalator when the same feeling started again. i looked back and in my surprise, saw the same set of eyes still following me. in a way, i found myself slowing down.

why am i slowing down? i panicly asked myself, what if it does catch me? am i ready or even game for it? skipping work for that day was already out of the question. what bothered me was where to go, what to do, and how will everything end up? 

then suddenly, i felt a weight on my right shoulder. i turned around and saw those pair of eyes glaring with excitement more than before. 

"jeff?" the thin lips below those eyes uttered.

i was surprised, its been ages since i last heard someone called my first name. only my parents, relatives and friends before college call me that. everyone i met from college to the present know me as erick. 

i looked at those eyes carefully, searching for any resemblance or familiarity. but nothing came up. 

"aren't you vice's son?"

then it hit me. the eyes know my dad. i carefully nodded.

"ekso!" he exclaimed.

ekso is a bicolano term referring to godsibling or kinakapatid. my dad happens to be a politician in bicol and you would be surprise to know how many weddings and baptisms he had been as a godparent. 

"i know it was you when i saw you inside the train. you look exactly like your father."

i am unsure if that was a compliment or not. i smiled but no words came out of my lips. i don't even know his f*&$%$ name.

"you probably don't know me. my name is _____. i have been in your place a couple of times before but never had the chance to meet you since you studied in baguio. so i suppose you graduated now. are you working here in makati?"

yes, finally a word came out of my mouth. 

those eyes accompany me to my office and talked a lot of things over. mostly, about my dad. but my attention was elsewhere. i suddenly noticed that it gradually became just a regular pair of eyes as we walked our way. when we reached the front of my building, i looked back to it again. but despite its smile and how it arched above those prominent cheeks, i never saw even the slightest resemblance from earlier. we waived our goodbyes and parted ways. as i walked inside the office, all i could do was to release a heavy sigh.

it was damn close! i almost got busted. then suddenly, my phone beeped. its my dad. 

so you've met your ekso?

i just hate being a politician's son.

the cookie

there they were again standing and waiting on the side walk. bearing the harsh and scorching summer heat. the woman was already wearing a different floral blouse from the one she wore yesterday. but the aging stretch and faded spots could not hide the fact that she have already outgrown it.
tagging along with her was the same girl. she still have the same tired eyes and thin lips that seemed not to know what a smile is.
yesterday, i was on my way to the train station when the two popped up from nowhere. they immediately gave me that look and asked for help.
the old woman was asking for spare cash. they claimed that they don't have any money left to go back home. seriously, suspicions was the only thing that didn't came up on my mind. but aside from the fact that i don't usually give alms, i don't really have any coins to spare. so i told them, sorry and proceeded to my destination.
i was already inside the train but the image of the two still haunted me. i was thinking how could they possibly go back home? would they dare walk under this heat? in a way, i felt guilt eating me. i should have atleast gave them the money left me inside my wallet and skip lunch. but i just didn't. was i apathetic and selfish?
the image still remained until i reached office. but while as i walking along the street were my building is located, i saw another woman with a kid. it seemed like they were walking towards me. the chill inside overcame the heat of the day. i was literally telling myself, "please, they're not going to do it. they're not going to do it."
then they stopped infront, opened their palm and gave me a familiar line: please help us we ran out of money to go back home.
i was surprisingly disgusted for coincidence is out of the question. if there is one thing that really pisses me off, that is using children on these. people should start to understand that innocence should not be corrupted. we owe this to the kids. people should start working their asses out and stop using minors on such scheme.
poverty is the queen of overratedness, next to love and sex.
i took something out of my bag and hand a cookie to the child and then walk away from them. then i thought, atleast a cookie will save the humanity from the remaining of innocence of that kid.

the struggle: from top to bottom and everything else in the middle

many would argue that men are innately driven for power. they struggle for a position that would be above than the rest of his fellow. he seeks power to influence other, wealth to provide his material decandence and fame to satisfy his ego.politics is personal and personal is politics, as my activist friends used to say. no person can actually claim that they are apolitical because in everything that we do, politics is involve. the way we are designated in the dining table, how we ride the mrt and even in having sex.

earlier, my attention was caught, as usual, by mugen's post entitled the catcher. it dwelled upon the story of his friend who was thinking about giving up his ass to his partner. but the thing was both of them were top.
the first time, i encountered the term top, was during the time dianne and i were doing our thesis in college. i must admit, i was surprised when i first heard it from our respondents. there was this spark that triggered the interest in me, as if an itch craving to be understood.

kenchie and joar are partners for almost 3 years during that time. kenchie is a frat man taking up engineering. while joar was a former nursing students, who stowed away from home in isabela after his family knew about his sexuality. the former is couple of years younger than the latter. and thanks to a local internet chatting room in baguio, they met.

at first look, you'll say that both of them could probably good friends. i even mistook them as ordinary customers when i entered the internet cafe, where i was told by dianne to meet them. after introducing myself and the purpose of my interview, i was surprise, when they started the interview in the middle of the place.

"whats with the shock? we haven't told you anything yet," kenchie asked me.

"aren't we going somewhere more silent and discreet? i am just concern because most of the questions i have our quite personal."

"don't worry. most of the patrons here are our friends and also chatters, so its okay," joar answered.

"excuse me for being such an amature researcher," i said to myself. so we proceeded.

in the start, i felt that the interviewer was more uncomfortable than the interviewees. but later on, the discomfort subsided and found myself throwing questions spontaneously. it was indeed an enlightening one. i realized that conversations with strangers are probably one of the most unforgetful and meaningful talk one will ever have in his/her lifetime.

then we finally reached the issue of sex. i decided not to prepare any questions for it to avoid personal intrusions. i thought of just letting them talk and probably pick up random questions from there. after a while, kenchie introduced himself as the top while joar as the bottom. then joar immediately reacted that he is versatile. kenchie laughed. i told them i am completely clueless. then they both laughed. i even heard a couple of other customers giggled at my back. the discomfort returned. i just hate that feeling that everybody knows something except me.

fortunately, joar was kind enough to explain what top, bottom and versatile mean. based from him, the top portrays the male part on the intercourse. bottom as the female counterpart. while versatile can do both. then everything made sense. so they continued.

while kenchie was talking, i then recalled on how joar reacted when he was introduced as the bottom. i immediately felt the stigma and connotation of the word to him. it was the exact same feeling from the other set of respondents i met, prior to them. the first insisted he was bisexual than gay. while the other claims he is gay than "bakla". while some also claimed that they are straight who are just curious and looking for good time. i never realized the plurality and complexities of such terms until i decided to do that research. as if every character and letter of the word signifies meanings that could either defend or destroy one.

from there, my interest began to widen. as if our topic gave birth from one thing to another: from stereotypes, to homophobia, to virtual sanctuaries, to internal homophobia and to this, power struggles among gay partners.

it is interesting to note that even among gay homosexuals, the image of the man is still seen as above from the rest, that it is favorable, advantageous and powerful than those who possesses or even at the very least just portrays the "role" and the characteristics of a woman, that on this view is seen as weak, vulnerable and exploitable.

having this in mind, while i am writing this, i wondered, is it possible for patriarchy to evolve to another form from the one we use to know? if this is true, then is it also posible that what homosexuals are experiencing now are just the tip of the discrimination that is ahead of them? or is it more hurtful than being discriminated by fellow homosexual?

i may not be perfectly aware of this or probably i am just over analyzing things again. but if there is one thing that i am sure of, that is the fact that labels and roles don't justify what a person is. for a person is ought to define him/herself alone.

***
a couple of hours later after reading mugen's post, i sent him a message regarding it. then he replied with a simple line, its all about power struggle, wiwik.

then i finally realized that he has a point and that we were actually coming from two entirely different perspectives. when i was thinking too much about the bigger arena, he was actually coming from a smaller and more intimate space.

it is given that man seeks power over to his fellow. but the theory overturns when love enters the equation. if a person indeed loves someone, regardless of preference, s/he is "willing" to sacrfice his/her position despite of the doubt and possible hurt ahead. simply because s/he is loving---

and this basically, what makes love special.

***
probably, the summer heat is already draining all my emoness dry and i need some refilling again. hahaha!
and no, dabo, yours is an exception. you have a immeasurable source of it, for you are thy the perpetual and ever-immaculate one. peace out!

can we blame them? chronicle: ang kondesa at ang reyna (the last installment)

sa isang malayo at tagong-tagong kareynaan, may dalawa makapangyarihan nilalang ang nag-aagawan ng kapangyarihan: si kondesa botomesa, ang mangbibiyak ng mga turumpong kangkarot at si reyna tirada, ang tirador ng mga mesang punggok.

walang mga mandirigma ang kareynaan dahil hindi sila naniniwala sa agresyon o pisikal na labanan. ang siste kasi, ang anumang hindi pagkakaunawaan o away ay dinadaan sa lambingan. pinagsasama ang magkakaaway o hindi nagkakaunawaan sa iisang bubungan.

walang kondisyon ang kasunduan. Pwede nilang gawin ang kahit anong gusto nilang gawin basta magkasama. paliligo, pagtatae, pagplupluck ng bulbol at kahit pagtatalik ng nakasabit sa puno ng balete, pwede.

walang din tiyak na pagtatapos ito. magpapatuloy hanggang sa may isa ang bumigay, manghina ang tuod at mahulog ang loob. samakatuwid, ang unang mainlove, talo at kung anuman ang pinagtatalunan ay ipapanig o ibibigay kung sino ang nanalo.

ito ang batas ng kanilang kareynaan.

kilala si kondesa botomesa at reyna tirada bilang mga kilabot ng kasunduan. naging mayaman at makapangyarihan ang dalawa dahil dito. madalas kapag may gusto silang makuha, gumagawa sila ng paraan para maagaw ito sa may-ari. madalas, dahil sa takot na mainlab, sinusuko na lang ng mga may-ari ang kanilang ari-arian sa mga ito.

kilala si kondesa botomesa sa kanyang pamatay na bongang-barurotan-teknik. samantalang si reyna tirada naman sa kanyang con-todo-romansa-totnak-teknik. madaming nahumaling sa kanilang dalawa, nainlove, nabaliw at may ilan ding nagpatiwakal.

pero ang pinagtatakhan ng lahat, ni minsan ay hindi nangahas ang dalawa na kalabanin ang isa't isa.

hanggang sa isang araw ay kumalat ang balitang namatay si emperetris versosa---AHHH! at kinailangan ng kareynaan ng bagong pinuno. nag-unahan ang dalawang hitad sa registration. nahati ang pila na kasing haba ng edsa sa dalawa. nag unahan ng naka full panggayak, kahon na lang ang kulang at animoy may ibuburol na.

sabay na nakarating sa unahan ang dalawa. nagkaroon ng pagtatalo kung sino ang nauna. BINGO! pinataw ng kareynaan ang batas sa kanila at napagkasunduang kung sino ang unang sumuko ay siya ang papalit sa na namatay na empretris versosa--- AHHH!

nagsama nga sila.
sa kanilang pagsasama, tatlong taon, silang hindi nag-usap at naghintayan kung sino ang gagawa ng unang hakbang. mga 6 and a half years nung, di sinasadyang magtama ang kamay nila habang natutulog. then another 15 years, 5months and 21 days, nang narinig nila sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ang boses ng isa't-isa. Nung nagcelebrate silang ng silver anniversary, unti-unti ng naging pisikal ang kanilang relasyon. kailangan nang masahehin ng kondesa ang kumekebang na spine ng reyna. samantalang finafacial naman ng reyna ang tinutubuan na ng kamoteng mukha ng kondesa. di naglaon naging malapit sila sa isa't-isa hanggang sa natutunan ng humirit at mang alaska. at sa unang pagkakataon nagtalik sila. lumabas ang kani-kanilang natatagong mga teknik. sabay-sabay na biyak ang mga trumpong kangkarot at napilayan ang mga mesang punggok.

nagsigawan ang mga tao. nag-alunlungan ang mga aso. nagkatitigan ang reyna at kondesa. hinihintay kung sino ang unang bibitaw. inabot ng umaga ang titigan, animoy unang kumurap na ang labanan. hanggang sa pareho silang sumuko at nagyakapan. magkahawak kamay silang naglakad. tiyak nilang naghihintay na ang mga tao sa labas at inaabangan kung sino ang nagtagumpay. sabay nilang binuksan ang pintuan at nagulat sa nakita. wala na ang buong kareynaan.

walang nagtagumpay.

can we blame them? chronicle: sunset

she was sitting beside her window alone, overlooking the running green terrains outside. she could see daisies, mums, stargazers and some wild flowers that she haven't met before. this was one of the reasons why they have decided to buy the house.

she was already on her 70s, weak and fragile. far different from what she was before: athletic, adventurous and daring. for her everything in her life came so swiftly and if she will be asked to recall it, she could only group it into a number of events. first, she recalled flirting with a couple of women while drinking inside a misty bar. then the time she moved in with felice. and now, this, sitting alone on her brittle chair that probably as old as her, waiting for the sun to set. on her hand was the note that was given to her by her partner before she died.

she remembered the last question she asked to felice before she retire. "was it all worth it?" there was a long pause. felice never answered back. she just closed her eyes and kept her answer behind the acquianted silence.

from there, more questions emerged. they were as many as the tears that dropped off from her tired eyes.

for those who have hold their silence forever, ink and paper, 01/07

she started wondering, if it was a good thing that she followed her heart? or would it be better if she didn't and followed what her family and other people insisted? will she be happier?
will she be seeing herself in a different situation than what she is currently at?
will she have someone with her now?
will she fear what is ahead of her?
and finally, is it all worth it?

then she smiled. but before she could even utter her answers, the sun waved its last burning ray and slowly disappeared from the wide bleeding horizon.

the night howled a very long silence and the news about the old woman's death spread throughout the entire town.

the next day, she was found on her death chair. but unlike what they have expected her body was as warm as her smile and on the floor was felice's letter--- a blank sheet of paper.

***

can you blame them?

trinoma mall, quezon city

can we blame them? chronicle: opinions and diversity

let it be known that my holy week presentation post was not intended to widen the gap of gender. rather its main objective is to neutralize the ongoing conflict in between.
nowadays, such is no longer an issue of gender and morals, rather it is a discourse of respect and human diversity. it is not really a matter of who wrote nor commented it, who says the right nor wrong. its a matter of what needs to be done in order for an equitable right to be upheld and recognized to everyone.
opinions are everyone's right. but with every right comes duties. and in every word that comes out of us, we are bound to its results and consequences. in other words, we are responsible for every details that we express for this gives true meaning and value to it. thus, i just find it very coward for someone who don't stand for his/her opinion and hides behind the doubtfulness of anonymousity. one should realize that the absense of duty forfeits the right and the dearth of a right leads to chaos.
i believe that the diversity of our opinions unite us into one. it strip off our biases and subjectivities. for many, it either confirms or reforms what they believe and in effect, makes one to recognize the complexities of our differences.
but when one begins to act and think dogmatically that is where the problem arises. one will never achieve respect if s/he doesn't respect the views of others. as i always say, respect is a mutual thing. you wouldn't expect someone to give their respect to you if you don't give that in return. this is gained and not innately acquired, inherited nor a right.
finally, let it also be a point taken that i am not directly referring to either the heterosexuals nor homosexuals alone, rather to all people in general. probably, the main problem here is the lack of respect of both parties. when one attacks it is obvious that the other retaliates. but if one gives his respect regardless of what s/he believes then expect harmony despite our differences.

can you blame them? chronicle: response

respect begets respect.
i always believe in the goodness of men. though as much i want other people to think that way, sometimes i just can't help myself from feeling bad whenever one feels the contrary to his fellow. after posting my former entry, i was bombarded with so many thoughts while i was reading the comments. so i have figured that instead of posting a response, i thought of writing an entry instead.
sin is defined by our morals. nonetheless, morals are not absolute. even the church claims that it committed and can still commit mistakes (ie. burning of witches, heretics etc). although, i cannot completely say that the church is commiting another one again. i just find it hard to accept an institution such as it to condemn those who find love to another. isn't love the root of what they are trying to propagate?
but of course, everything that comes in excess is the root of the otherwise. but who can blame them? if a society deprives them the right to love who they want to, can we blame them to counter that society that would not accept them in the first place. thus, the sin we prevent emerges. one should understand that the sin we are trying to avoid is not the act itself rather is the result of such act. and the outcome is also contributed by other societal factors such as inacceptance, repression, discrimination etc. etc.
these are not simply acts that homosexuals do out of their whims. they are also any human beings who are in search for that someone that will actualize the purpose/s of their lives: to be happy, to love and be loved. but at the end, most of them fail, more because of lack of support and acceptance and the absence of venue and right. and just like any other individual they also feel hurt.now, tell me again, can we blame them?

can we blame them? chronicle: a holy week presentation

Can you actually blame them?

be the first person to cast the stone,

if you don't believe that this is love

rather its a sin.

what if bottle banks

when companies are laying off their employees due to the so called "global financial crisis," my supervisor handed me a ticket for the account's anniversary celebration. at first, i thought it was a just regular food stub to be given over in the pantry for free food and drinks.
but in my surprise, the ticket was made of photopaper. then my jaw automatically dropped when i read that the celebration will be held in one, if not, the metro's superclub, embassy.
i have never been to such high end clubs here in manila. not because of the crowd or what have you. but in a way i felt like i have already graduated from clubbing during college and settled with just being a chiller. but my officemates were persistent as ever and managed to convince me to go with them.
when we reached embassy, it was exactly the way i perceived it to be. it was spacious, sophisticated and loud. we presented our ticktes to the receptionist and she gave us a number of stubs: for food, drinks and beers. since my officemates don't drink they hand me their beer stubs that would be given after the open bar.
i lost count on how many glasses i have drank that night. the music was just too loud for many to hold my focus. suddenly, i found myself jiving with the beat, just like the old times. when the club closed the bar. i started handing over the tickets i have collected from my officemates. again, i lost track of how many bottles i emptied.
i vaguely remembered my officemates excusing themselves to go home. i told them, i'll stay behind.
right after that, the concoction of the drinks i took, kicked in. while the misty room unmasked the image i projected at work. for the first time, they saw who ewik really was: outgoing and unmindful.
then the last thing i remembered was, i was already giving in to my pulse. i was shaking it, unmindful of the crowd surrounding me. the former life that i have turned my back to, relived. i felt that i was me again.
suddenly, i saw S from a far. the only soul at work that makes me go back to the monotony of this life. S was also stripping off the last pieces of hesitation. i never really thought that S has the moves. the sight was tillating, almost on the verge of being arousing, if uyou'll ask me. i wanted to come near and touch the "nakedness" of S. but when i was about to do it, i backed off. the alcohol started losing its control on me. the entire dance floor became cleqar again and the music stopped. i realized that everything was unlike before. i couldn't really tell if something was added or removed. but whatever that was it stopped me from what i usually do.
i tapped T's shoulder and signalled that i have to go. S followed, we hailed a cab and hopped in. for a moment there was an ackwarding silence inside. then S broke the silence.
"so how did you find the party?"
confused of what to say, i answered:
"nice."
"it seemed like you had a blast there. I never thought you could dance. you were always silent at work."
"look who's talking?" we laughed.
it was the first time we really had a conversation. a good one, mind you. although we often see each other at work, we just usually exchange nod whenever we cross ways or whenever S catches me looking.
from there, i knew that there will be more conversations with S to come: more reasons that will atleast keep me from going back to work. but when we were about to drop S off, S looked at me and confessed that i will be the first person to know about S' resignation next month.
as the cab made its way to my place, i found myself all alone in the backseat. all i could feel was regret, for not having the courage to ask S for that last dance.
another 'what ifs' in life that i have dropped on my bottle bank when i reached home.

the story

a few days back, i attended my best friend's thesis defense in diliman. she defended her master's thesis which was a compilation of lesbian short stories entitled naratibô. while i was attentively watching her as she try to outwin her panelists, i remembered the times when we we would meet after our work shifts and rant our frustrations with our careers and lovelife over either cups of coffee or bottles of beer.
three years after, there she was, standing infront of us talking to a number of people, whose eyes and ears nailed to every details that comes out from her lips and presentation. along with her is a palanca grand prize award, two published books, an instructorship in one of the university's campuses and a large amount of personal savings.at my side was her partner for two years. infront of me are five famous and respected filipino writers as her panelists, who are considering to file her compilation for best MA thesis. while the rest were her friends who also have their own names on their respected fields. and me, simply ewik, still has the same rants and frustrations as before.
after her defense, we had the chance to talk to each other regarding the status of our lives. i could see into her eyes the clarity of what is ahead of her and in it, was the reflection of mine who up to the present is still blurry and vague.
i told her how i hate comparing my life to others. but i couldn't help myself from comparing mine to hers. she replied to me with a blank but calm face and a pat on my shoulder. she reminded me about the story she once told me. on how she had set an age of when she will kill herself. i remembered it was 24. but she is turning 26 this year but she is still alive and kicking.
then she continued. in a way, i realized that what she meant was not planning to kill herself rather than the frustrations that she kept within. the day after the last conversation we had regarding the said topic, she opened up a savings account. then widen her network, continued doing what she loves, which is writing despite the pressure of her former job and then when she felt she is already secured she quit her job and applied as an instructor in manila then managed to close a number of sidelines.
from there, when she finally felt everything was ready, she quit her job despite the promotion that was given to her and never look back. from there everything just followed.
i was silent all throughout that conversation and wrapped the day with a smile as we parted ways. now as i look back to that conversation, i can see that the path ahead of me is quite clearer than before. thanks to a friend who managed to pass that dark and confusing jungle with the same blank and calm face.

the dream girls: si S

earlier, i was surprised to receive a message from a friend in baguio asking, how am i? nothing really special about the message but it is more of who sent it, it was S.
S and I met in one of the groups that i have been before. she was three batches younger than me, silent and quite aloof with the rest. but in a way, she have managed to make her way to our attentions, that she even became one of our housemates.
eventually, we became good friends, started talking about our lives and had our backs with our problems. we became good pals, inshort. we were inseparable, sleep beside each other and talked almost anything.
but after a while, i felt a sudden change in her. she began moving away and would not talk to me anymore. without any hints or ideas of what could i have done, i just let it be. i literally paid her silence with silence as well and allowed the days to passed without talking to her.
eventually, i learned from a common friend the surprising reason for S' sudden change; S developed something "special" to me. i almost collapsed after hearing it. at first, i refused to believe since i know that S knew the reasons why i can't commit myself to anyone that time. but when people started talking to me about it, it confirmed the nightmare i am trying to avoid, that is a friend falling inlove with me.
S began talking about it with most of our friends and knowing the circle we have, it became a running tease in our group. i tried ignoring that fact, pretending as if i am not affected and continue with my life. but at the back of my head, i felt really sorry for her. for i knew, how is it like to love someone who cannot love you back "simply" because i was also nursing such pain during that time.
i know it would really be very unfair on both parties, she was too good to be a rebound and having her as one of my closest friends was the only and best thing that i could offer and i want it to remain that way.
months and years have passed, but the silence and the gap between us never left. it was difficult. considering the fact, we are living inside the same roof. usually we would just pass each other as if both of us were invisible and would just force to speak only if seriously needed.
later on, i have heard that S commited herself to someone, a woman. but it didn't take a while when i heard that they weren't able to work it out.
one night, i was surprised to see her standing infront of my door while i was lying on my bed. she asked me if i could have a word with her. i agreed. she lied beside me and she told me everything that she hid from me. then she bursted into tears. i remained still and told her everything i longed to tell her after hearing what she felt.
basically, i apologized for not being sensitive to her feelings. i should have stopped the moment i felt change on her gestures and should have not intruded too much of the things that would lead to her heart. i was also on the verge of crying but i tried all my might to stop it. i told her i want her back as one of my closest friends again.
the night passed without our notice until i just realized that everything that we had before started returning back. after that conversation, she stood up from my bed and bid her farewell as she retired to bed.
after that night, i honestly believed that everything will be back to normal. but it seemed like no matter how i approached her, she would just keep on giving me the same dead response that i have started getting used to. i don't know if it was because of the reactions being thrown to us by our friends or the impression she got from that conversation we had, but if there is one thing that i am definitely sure of, that is, something indeed changed just because someone have already crossed the line.
today, i texted S back and told her, i am fine and asked her how she is? but she never replied back.
***
some people believe that friendship is the best foundation for a strong relationship. but for me, i always believe that it is essential for one to recognize and respect the line between friendship and love. honestly, i value friendship more than any form of romantic relationships. thus, id rather have someone to be my friend than to have a friend-lover and risk it all.
yes, i have tried having a friend as a lover before and even befriending an ex. but believe me, it is very difficult to establish or bring back the friendship, once both of you decided to split up. it seemed like you either have to make the relationship work til the end or lose everything on one blow. or probably, it would still depend on the person that would juggle the relationship.
but so far, personally, the line in between those two things is staying, at least for now.

top 6 places for your food tripping events under a tight 500 budget

6. the loop, ELJ building Mother Ignacia Avenue, Quezon City.
opens every weekdays from 8am to 8pm. it offers a good number of food establishments. but what is exciting about this place is this is where most abs-cbn stars also eat. it fulls your apettite and satisfy your eyes at the same time.

must try:cake icecreams sold for 45php per slice: 450 per cake. also comes in different flavors: black forest, cappucino, ube, etc.

club house sandwich at grams diner, one of the biggest sandwich in town. not to mention the 70s ambiance that the establishment provide to their hungry customers. though with a tight budget, i suggest to put this last in your list.

5. cubao shoe expo, cubao, quezon city.
one of the fast rising places located at the back of ACS building. the place provides a wide of recreation and food establishes from retro thrift shops, modern pop art galleries, bars and restaurants.

must try: bellini's contadina or spicy spaghetti with chili, garlic in olive oil. the cheapest but the most flavorful pasta of them all. you are lucky if mr. bellini would be gracious enough to give you a glass of vino samto, a kind of sweet wine in the house.

mogwai's crispy chicken neck soaked in spicy vinegar dip. a perfect partner while youa re watching an indie or an art film being played everynight.

4. chinatown

if you are craving for something different and out of your fine dining comfort zone. binondo, manila offers a wide variety of chinese dishes and delicacies.

must try: sugarcane juice sold along side streets for 10php per glass. at first, you might be hesitant in trying it because of the greenish color of it. but believe me, it is the most refreshing drink you'll ever taste.

mezzanine cafeauthentic steamed dumplings sold around 100 per plate/10-15pieces. flavored with a rich explosion of herbs.

if you are stubborn enough to do the strolling, you can also try estero fast food chain, a food center along ongpin estero. it offers a wide array of chinese dishes in very affordable price.

salazar bakery home of fantastic toasted siopao and tikoy, in a wide array of sizes and flavors.

3. salcedo weekend food market opens every saturday 7am to 2pm. located along salcedo avenue, makati city. it offers a wide array of food choices for different appettites. its like your stomach's divisoria.

must try: super z sandwiches, the biggest and longest hotdogs and sausages in town.

2. banchetto weekend food market, located along emerald street, ortigas, mandaluyong city.
opens every saturday starting from midnight to noon. half of the the emerald street stretch is closed for traffic to give way for food kiosks. the venue offers a wide choices from simple barbeques, cakes, meat dishes to japanese, korean and mongolian food.

must try:shawarma sisig rice for 70 php

monster burger 120php, half pound beef patty, a great substitute for your brother's burger, burger king and/or wendy's apetite.

1. UP dilimanskip the university canteens, please.

first stop, lutong bahay and lutong kapitbahay, located near the university postal office. if you really want to experience the homy atmosphere while having your lunch. they would literally allow you to sit on their own sofa while watching on their 25' television set.
lunch: regular combo viands are around 50php

tree house, located near NCPAG building, offers a cozy atmosphere overlooking the wide green terrain of the University while eating on an actual tree house.
must try:clubhouse sandwich: 130php

likha diwa considered as an artist and/or vegan haven. located along c.p. garcia avenue. it offers a wide menus of vegetarian dishes and for meat lovers, you could also try their veggie meat for a change.

must try:

crispy banana sundae 75php, this is to die for me.

isawan booths

there are two famous isawan booths in the campus one will be near the kalayaan dormitory and the other one is near the college of law. they have a wide variety of grilled meat products in a very VERY reasonable price.

chocokiss

for sweet tooths and who only goes for fine dining, located inside bahay ng alumni building. they have two establishments: one is on the lower level. while the other one is on the second level.

must try: devil's foodcake and blueberry cheesecake, they are just simply to die for.

manong jimmy's

if you are a meat lover and has a big apettite for it, mang jimmy's will definitely do the trick. they offer a wide menu and promos for your meat apettite.

must try: 3 plus one, a combination of meat dishes and seafood variants.
sarah's and tomatokick two of the most popular drinking establishments next to the unibv
sarahs located along c.p garcia near likha diwa, offers an outdoor ambiance for your drinking sessions. it feels like you are literally drinking just outside your garage minus your parents checking you once in a while.

tomatokick located along maginhawa street inside UP village. its also offer the same thing with sarahs but a little bit fancier.

must try:chicken/beef fajitas then ask for an extra rice, i assure you, you''ll love it especially if its dripping with aoili sauce.

beach house located inside UP diliman, near the main library offers a good array of grilled dishes. the place is not that fancy but overlooking the sunken garden is all worth it.
must try: pork barbeque and salted egg and tomatoes.

the meet up

"so how is it being single?" asked borg.

it was the least thing i was expecting from my best friend after a very long time of not seeing each other. borg and i have been buddies since college. in fact, he was also the very first person i spoke with the moment i stepped inside the university ground. up until now, we could still clearly remember that moment.

"like pursuing law," i answered.

"what do you mean?" why am i not surprise hearing this response from him.

"boring," then came out my sarcastic face.

despite our differences, borg and i have jived perfectly. he was the typical naive, sports-minded, religious, diligent, goal-oriented son any parent have dreamed of having. while i, on the other hand, is the rebellious and free-spirited child who does what he wants to do, regardless if my parents would permit me or not.

"its not really that bad," he firedback.

"why? do you really want to be a lawyer now?"

both our fathers dreamed of us being one. but we are not sure if this is what we really want. after graduating college and looking on our degree, it made us realize that the road ahead of us actually became vaguer. so we tried giving law school a chance.

"i am beginning to like it,"

"then good for you."

just like any best buddies, i know his girlfriends, flings and sexcapades (talking about being a good son, huh?) and he knows mine. we share almost everything without any hesitations. especially when one is going through a hard time, from which most of the time, i will just find him leaning on my shoulders crying. thus, it was already his long time dream to see me cry too.

"how bout you? what are your plans?

"you know, how i hate answering that question,"

"but sooner or later, you know you still have."

"then let me cross that bridge when i get there. then i could just ring you and tell you how is it."

we went down from baguio and took an entrance exam in mendiola. i passed but borg didn't make it. so i tried helping him to get in to the college's annex in alabang. fortunately, he got a slot. after two years, i dropped off while borg pursued.

"what if the bridge is already not there?"

"you're watching too much porn again, my friend. you know how it affects your thinking,"

"but seriously, erik. what are your plans?"

"alright, can we just go back from me being single again?"

"okay. so how is it being single?"

don't you just love having him as you're best friend?

attacking the aggressor

the other day, my favorite aunt, whom i lived with, during childhood came home from hongkong. for me it was something i shouldn't miss. not because of the chocolates or the pasalubong but because of the fact that i have long considered her as one of my significant others and its been a while since i last saw her.

after she left the country and decided to live in hongkong, she landed as a bank supervisor and lives with her husband who is a senior journalist for a hongkong-based asian magazine.

so before my shift starts that afternoon, i have immediately stood from my bed and paid her a visit for lunch.

it was a long kamustahan. but ended up with a discussion about life living away from home. no wonder i never thought of going abroad.

but eventually the highlight of that lunch shifted to this certain chinese journalist who wrote an article calling the philippines a nation of servants.

then the same night, dabo sent me an email regarding the actual transcript of the said article. 

yes, i was dismayed on how this journalist used his position to demean other people. but reading the response from fellow filipinos made it worst. 

when someone hit you, smile back and give him a tap. you don't really have to stoop down to the aggresor's level, in order for other people to realize who is righteous between the both of you.

i never believed in dealing aggression with aggression. as much as possible, i tend to fireback with dignity and in the wittiest way i can be, and that for me is the sweetest among all form of revenge.

nonetheless, i have only three points about the article.

first, i don't really understand the point chip tsao is driving at in his article. it seems like he finds it offensive for filipinos, who help and assist his fellow chinese with their everday lives and be away from their families, and to quote him, for cheap labor, to protect a territory they believe to be theirs. but it is alright for him for russians to blow a hongkong freighter and kill seven of their people since stalin and lenin, who were both russians, were one of the pillars of their chinese ideology. also, it is just for japanese to plant their flag without due process and take complete ownership of diaoyu island for the simple reason that they love japanese animes. 

its a big HUH?!? if you'll ask me. 

second, being a best selling author and columnist, he should know that there is also a great wall in between being satire and being racist. and definitely this article is the least thing from being satire. satiric writing makes use of a smart humor in order to fish improvement from a pool of problems, conflicts and disputes. but it seemed like, i don't hear anyone laughing in this article or probably someone might have a poor sense of humor--- now, that is being satire.

lastly, hanging a map, giving a harsh lecture then threatening his filipino helper would still not make any sense at all. assuming that louisa indeed has a degree in international politics, would he expect her to argue with him, if he already posed a threat against her job? 

the ongoing dispute on who really owns the spratlys, nansha, kalayaan or quần Đảo trường sa islands is becoming an issue that transgresses from territorial claims to a deep dark well of racial discrimination. when everyone believed that modernity and globalization will be able to fill the depth of our racial prejudices against one another, it seemed like someone miscalculated the real depth that they have to patch up. 
history have already told us that the longest and most brutal wars the world has seen actually rooted from the same conflict that we are actually involve at- land. 

i just hope that no war will be witnessed again for the next decades and centuries to come, or better yet, no war at all. but of course, that is just my idealistic self speaking again