the crispy midnight breeze woke me up in the middle of my slumber. by the moment i felt my chest heavily pounding, i immediately knew that it was something different from the dreams i had before. although confused, i struggled to taste the sweaty chill as it lingers down my thoat, thinking that it might clear something within me. i never thought that i will feel this feeling again. all the while i made myself to believe that i am over this, that i am able to withstand the blows of those of the loneliest nights. but last night was something i didn't expect.
pictures began flashing in my thoughts. familiar pictures from which stolen emotions were captured. i saw myself standing alone infront of a beach under a gloomy and raining afternoon. my hair lying dead under the weight of a heavy rain pour. while my eyes were half shut but struggling to absorb what was left on the scenery. nothing special about it but i immediately knew that there was something different. its hard to tell if it was one of the beaches at home or one of those i have just recently visited. but i am convinced that i have been there.
despite the strong sea wind, the waves surprisingly remained calm as if it was patiently waiting for something or someone. i accompanied the sea in its anticipation but no image appeared on its horizon. instead, the rain poured harder and the wind blew more violently. i could also notice the sky starting to become darker. nonetheless, the sea remained calm more than ever. i could feel each of the small but heavy rain drops as it navigated my body, tickled it and eventually weaken my legs. so i decided to sat down, catching the burden that the heaven was dropping on me as i waited patiently.
the sea and i waited and waited for who knows how long. all i could remember was my eyes were fixed in the calm sea until i started feeling a heavy mass growing inside my chest in every second that i have waited. suddenly, i felt the heavy mass filled my chest and started climbing up to my head. i could clearly feel each of its feet as it slowly makes it way to my shoulders, my throat, my cheeks and nose. it was another familiar sensation, nonetheless, a very distinct one. it was as if violently caressing me, aggressively pulling off or loosening my nerves. despite it harshness, it was ironically pleasurable. but the mass continued to climb up until i just found myself weeping and felt a warm tear rushed down to my cheeks, among millions of cold heaven's tears numbing my face.
then i woke up still crying, still feeling the heavy pain in my chest and certainly confused of what have just happened. the warmth of the summer night just sank in when i have realized that i was soaked in sweat and just woke up from a bizaare dream.
for a while, i realized that i was scared of closing my eyes, thinking that i might have the same dream again and for the first time, i feared for something that i am not even sure why. it is just now that i have realized what it could possibly mean. just like anyone else, i am scared of running out of time before i can completely realize my life. i feared that i just might keep on waiting on the same spot, without actually achieving anything. this year i am turning 24 and six years from now, i will be 30. but so far, i am still not sure if i was able to live my life the way it should be or atleast i wanted it to be. ofcourse, it is relative. but i believe that in order for one to determine if s/he is able to live it, it is something s/he could only tell and something inside is telling me that i am not.
they say that your 20s is the peak of your life, where your youth enables you to build the foundations of what kind of life you'll have for tomorrow. this is also the bracket where you start enjoying what your life has to offer, you meet people, and enter a relationship. basically, this is the jumping point where you start building things for permenance. things that you'll be needing once you reach your prime years.now, i am doubtful if i am actually on the right track. probably because i am still not certain what destination to reach. until now, i don't know what i want to be. thus, i don't know where to start or what to do.while i was browsing some of the post i had before, i have learned that i have already wrote the same ideas of this post last year. then i realized that after this time, i just ended up where i actually started last year.
now, i am convinced. something really has to change and no more excuses.