Tuesday, September 30, 2008

"EX"pecting expectations

i dragged myself out of the building half awake, as the concoction of sleepiness and stress started to take its toll on my then puffy red eyes. i was once called an "adik" in the province when i went home from baguio. but if my parents saw me that very moment, they would have probably sent me to the nearest rehab center. i never really could tell if i was dreaming or not during that time. i was just so tired and exhausted. so i took a stick out of my cannister and lit it, hoping that it would still lend me another couple of hours more. but i felt that i have already extended myself beyond my limit and at that moment, i was on the verge of colapsing.
the monotony of the people and place outside didn't even catch my consciousness from falling from sleeping. thus, i looked up above the horizon, thinking looking at the struggling daybreak below the still sleeping evening clouds. another day is coming, would do the trick.
but then, i realized what that the day was. i almost forgot that it was something said special.
i immediately took my phone out of my pocket and saw two unread messages. as expected it was A.
although i already have an idea what the message was, i still opened and read it. another brief greeting, almost similar to the message i have received last month. but it was the second message that made my soul finally collapsed.
"kta tau d2 mkati aftr wrk mu. mrt k n pra mblis. il wait 4 u in rcbc plaza."


i immediately requested if it will be possible to spend it at my place instead. since i am still coming from work. while A was still on rest day and i would be a dead meat by the time i go out. but A insisted ranting that it was the least thing i can do as a partner to this occasion. oh yeah, i remember, we spend the same day on my place last month. so it was expected that it was me this time to do the effort. eventually i gave in (place has always been a major consideration with us. since i am living in quezon city. while A is in makati).
i was barely standing on my feet when i went out and literally carried myself to the nearest train station. it was as if majority of my limbs just gave up and retired. then i fell on my knees when i arrived and saw a large crowd climbing the stairs of the station. there was no way that could let me take the train with that huge number of people. probably, this was the launching point on how i developed a phobia in riding the train especially the MRT.
so to save my barely struggling body, i opted in riding an FX going to makati (i forgot the actual destination though i know it is in makati) instead. although unsure, i thought that as long as the route will follow the mrt track then i am safe. i could just drop off in buendia if this would not pass rcbc. then i texted A about it. but the vehicle was already on its way, when i learned that A was already waiting and expecting me in buendia station.
A became furious and texted me that the route will not pass by mrt buendia, rather it would turn right when it reaches guadalupe and so it did. from that point, i was already alarmed when i noticed that not a single street or establishment was familiar. aside from the fact that A kept on nagging me about my mistake instead of giving the directions on how to get to rcbc through that route. to wrapped things up, my cellphone started beeping telling me it was running out of battery until it finally died on me.
from there, i knew i am dead.eventually, i decided to get off the vehicle after realizing we haven't passed a single familiar landmark yet. to cut the long story short, i dropped and walked from kalayaan bel-air to rcbc plaza for almost two hours and also got lost when i made a wrong turn to paseo de roxas.
surprisingly, A was already smiling at me when we finally met. probably A already saw the frustrations on my face when i was walking towards the building. A might have figured that his two hours of waiting was nothing to what happened to me.
i didn't smile back to A when we met. i just continued my walk though i didn't know where to go. A followed and kept on asking me if i was mad. i told A, i am not. I am just tired and just want to celebrate it. A waived a cab and the next thing i knew we were already in A's place. it just took me three hours of sleep to calm me down again.
when the day ended, i excused myself to A since it already getting late and i still have to mee tmy sister for dinner. but A refused. another arguement emerged out of nowhere. A filled the air with the same litany of me not being a good boy friend, insensitive, irresponsible and could not even meet a single expectation.

the last word echoed and lasted in my ears until i atleast called it a night--- expectations.

admit it or not, each of us has our own expectations when it comes to our personal relationships especially if it involves commitments. usually, we set our own "must" to our partners without thinking that our partners also have theirs. s/he must do, think, behave etc. this or atleast just their personal considerations. thus, it gives birth to jealousy, possessiveness, frustrations and eventually break up.

most of the time, love alone is not enough to make the relationship going. both partners also need to meet half way with their expectations and needs, in order for their relationship to survive.
i believe that love is selfless. on the other hand, loving isn't. sometimes, as a partner, we can really be selfish because of the expectations that we put into the relationship and this creates the only poison that could kill the foundations that have been created.
well, i think the story above is not the best example for this topic. but probably be the best for my case. relationships are created and established not only to channel and absorb surplus emotions nor as a form of security when we grow up and not even to supply the production of human offspring for human survival, because just the country's population will be enough to maintain a relatively sustainable number of human species for the next 200 years. i believe that human relationships are formed for mutual growth: personally and socially. not as something, exclusive, that create a faction from the rest of the society. but don't get me wrong. the previous statement doesn't lead to any promotion of multiple relationships.
probably what i only stresses is the importance of personal space and for one to recognize that sometimes this is being trespassed by various selfish factors. most of which are under the facade of what A called as "expectations."

19 comments:

joaqui_miguel said...

I hope everything is well now. :)

harmonie said...

what if you're not expecting too much from your partner, but still he took me for granted?

Now I'm getting confused.

RONeiluke, RN said...

wow... i could feel the frustration you felt. tired and lost and having arguments with A... hays.

i so agree that relationships should be founded on mutual growth. ang masama, people enter relationships for the wrong reasons... no wonder maraming breakups na nangyayari...

i hope you settle things with A soon...

may grilfriend ka pala. ang nasa isip ko kasi yung nabanggit mo sa baguio.. hehehe!

at A din... A din yung kay Kris Jasper. hehehe!

gillboard said...

expectations are normal. regardless it's a relationship or anything else. the important is to accept the other person whether we meet that expectation or not.

cobe said...

"i believe that love is selfless. on the other hand, loving isn't."

I think that's exactly right. When we can reconcile both then the relationship can have some harmony and lead to that mutual growth.

boying said...

kuya ewik! hahahahaha.

peace!

kuya ewik. kuya ewik. kuya ewik. kuya ewik. kuya ewik.

hahahahaha. nang aasar lang. peace!

Looking For The Source said...

i hope maging maayos lahat sa inyo.

*hugz*

Mugen said...

I cannot speak about love at the moment. Hehehe.

Sometimes, i think the only person who can really bear with me is my clone. Sana pwedeng i-clone ang sarili. :)

JoShMaRie said...

"most of the time, love alone is not enough to make the relationship going. both partners also need to meet half way with their expectations and needs, in order for their relationship to survive."-tama ka jan kuya...;)

Chyng said...

taga RCBC plaza di nako!!!

boying said...

wala pang isang oras ang nakakalipas. namimiss ko na ang pang aasar at pang aalaska mo. hahay. bakit ko pa kasi namention ang word na kras.

RONeiluke, RN said...

thanks, kuya ewik :P hope all is well you. musta na kayo ni A?

amicus said...

i believe that in every relationship there must be non-negotiables, like the need for personal space once in a while, then everything else can be negotiated. hindi puwedeng parehong alpha parati. you'll end up just hurting each other.

naman. nagsalita ang magaling. haha. i hope you two are ok na.

Ronnan Tristan said...

Gosh!! I remember!! I know how it feel...

I have the same situation before nung mga 1 year pa lang kami ni Bebeboo...

malalampasan nyu rin yan... pagkatapos ng mga chever na yan magiging smooth na ang lahat.. you'll see hehehe

:)

Diablo said...

it seems that almost all peeps in the blogosphere is experiencing concerns of that nature...

hope we all get over those unnecessary burdens.

*still going to sakhalin, bleeh ^_^

nova-san said...

Gosh... I just don't know what to say. Relationships are just not my forte. I think it has been the expectations on my part and on the part of my exes that have caused all my relationships to fail. Either I want too much or he wants too much and both are unwilling to meet each other half-way.

Maybe the key is not to have any expectations of anyone, and just hope that they have the same goals and path as we do. But part of being in a relationship is the unspoken priviledge of being able to rely on another for certain things. I suppose it's that "priviledge" that leads to problems down the road, because as soon as you rely on someone for something, and they don't meet your expectations, that almost always signals the beginning of the end.

Mr. Scheez said...

Ang bait mo naman na ex. Hehehe =)

Magkapit-bahay pala tayo =)

Niel Camhalla said...

yeah. expectations unmet can turn lovers to ex's.

jericho said...

even when one says he has no expectation, it ain't really true. i guess the best thing is to consider that they are expectations. they are in the world of should, could, must and not on what is. it is not wrong to expect. what defines it is how do we deal with it when it is not met.