Thursday, September 4, 2008

lost in manila

someone once asked me, "how many kids do you want to have?"
i answered him, "as many as i can or even until my testes run dry."
but wanting is different from doing.
for some, having a kid would probably be as easy as spitting in the street. but for me, who likes to complicate things, it's not. although i believe that i am financially ready (which is the primary factor lacking for most people that is why most unplanned conceptions are put into waste), but for some reason i have this feeling that something in me is not ready yet. its just a simple intuition that brings out even the picture of not having a child at all as a clear possibility. not because i am impotent for i smoke menthol nor even i am thinking to be a priest.
nowadays, there are lots of ways of getting a child either through science or adoption. one example, are institutions that cater in assisting partners on having a child of their own, bilogically or legally. and there are even informal practices, especially in our country, that associates a kid into another potential parent with just words of mouth in exchange of material or other form of assistance. sometimes you can even buy them from people who have them by accident. see, i do have a number of options to choose from either having one of my own or adopting; and for me, it wouldn't really matter regardless it came from me or not. what the problem is am i ready to have one?
well, its just that i find it quite difficult to imagine myself as a father. i am irresponsible, hard and hot headed, impatient and most of all i fear that my child/ren would end up as a pain in the neck in our society someday. i know some would actually say that once a person recognizes his weaknesses, it would be easier for one not to do it anymore. but in second thoughts, these would laterally bring him pressure and that is something that i might not endure. moreover, being a father entails a great amount of expectations.
i never really had my father when i grew up since he was working abroad during that time. my mom, on the otherhand, although she was always around, we never really became close---probably because we were brought up not that emotional. there were moments when i was still small that something in me is looking for a father image, especially in the cliche-ic times when our school would conduct family days. most of the time, i tend not to inform my mom so that i will miss those activities. for i know that it would just make me feel envious to my classmates who have their family with them.
but i never blamed my parents for such. because in such an early age, i already understood why our family is this way. infact, i am actually more grateful since despite this, my parents were able to brought us up properly, atleast in our own context, and never broke up.
but whenever i imagine myself as a parent, i have doubts and hesitations since i don't have a father to look for when i was a kid. if only i can just donate my sperm and give it to a surrogate mother. provide her all their needs, raise the kid up. then i could just visit him/her whenever i feel liking to be a father again---that is how irresponsible i am when it comes to these.
i want to see his first walk, first poo, first talk, and all his firsts. but when s/he starts crying, sick and be stubborn like me, i want to be not there. inshort, i want to be in the fun part. but nowhere when it is already the hard events. ofcourse, some would actually say that those hardtimes actually makes the fun part more appreciated and valuable. but at the back of my head, i believe that i am not ready for that part yet. not to mention, the idea is making me sound more of a sexist.
now, i am imagining little ewiks, smiling and chuckling. so adorable, so cute and so tempting just like their father. although i know that at the back of those little cherubins, hell lies. but who knows those pictures might change everything that i have wrote here and even make me the best father in the world. whichever! (sabi ng officemate ko. hahaha)

*after watching, lost in beijing.

20 comments:

dabo said...

may ganun lol cute, tempting...hahahaha..


i think the equilibrium had so much profound effect on you

Mugen said...

Kaya pala tinanong mo ako kaninang madaling araw tungkol sa anak.

The name Joem Endymionn is a name I've kept since high school. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, when I get to have my junior someday, I'd name him this name.

Too bad, I switched sides. Much as I'd love to be a father/mother someday. The problem is, I don't really get a boner when an opposite sex is around.

Sexymoi said...

babies, sabi nila you have to be financially,emotionally, physically and spiritually ready... me i'm not yet ready hehe..

jericho said...

adopt mo na lang ako as your son. o di ba, wala ka ng problema sa pagpapalaki .. and i swear, i won't be a pain in the neck of the society. hehe

joaqui_miguel said...

About 4 years ago, I wanted to have a son because I did not want to deal with generation gap. However, I was very clear that I wanted to be part of the life of the child during his teenage years already. I did not want to take part in the times when it's very hard to control them. I cannot even take care of myself well, how do I expect to take care of another little person. lol :)

That's why I also do not like pets. I cannot be burdened with taking care of them. It can be too much for me.

RONeiluke, RN said...

hays...

the thought of being a father is a little scary, lalo na kapg hindi ka pa prepeared.

pero some say nagiiba ang perception ng tao kapag nandyan na yung mga anak nila. i mean their kids make them seem prepared and bring out the ideals in them. hehe!

scholars say it's important to have a father figure because there's a great possibility that you'll be able to acquire ideas as to how to be a father from your father... am i making sense? hehe!

saka ko na iisipin yan kapag financially prepared nako:) cool post. ewwwwikkk,,,

White said...

I also wish for a child and ever since I had work, I really wanted to have a child. But the possibilities became close to impossibilities that I considered adopting one and/or giving up.

Why I considered these thoughts? I maybe the last one in my family to carry my father's surname. When I'm gone without having a son, the direct lineage of my father would be stopped.

Sad. But what more can I do?

the donG said...

hahaha... ayos. ako at least three.

xxxborgexxx said...

I want only one. I'll give him my name and hope that he'll turn out exactly like me. Essentially, it's gonna make me live forever. But that's being too selfish. He's gotta have his own personality. Just hope he'll be as lucky as I am. I never fail to fcuk things up but I almost always still get treated right. But I don't see me having a kid till I'm 30. I stay out late, I wake up late, I love disappearing and being out of reach. Not ready yet. Got too much restlessness inside to settle down.

dazedblu* said...

exactly how {I] wish most of the ppl esp --> Fil has tht intuition or thinking like you or so.

It's really annoying to see those children strapping all over the streets of metro.

I really really hate it.

efrenefren said...

Smoking in general, not just menthol, can cause impotence in men. :)

http://www.snopes.com/business/alliance/menthol.asp

Somewhere near the end.

Bino/Geno said...

Mag aasawa ka ewik?

Pwede hingin number mo? Hihi. :)

Kiks said...

i read mugen's post prior to yours. not by choice. or anything. whichever.

well, reading how his friend relayed how more fulfilling than fun it can be to be a father, i am having second thoughts.

maybe we should get married and have children.

we - me and you.

Ely said...

hmmm, buti ka pa financially ready if incase. Ako, ready siguro sa ibang aspects but definitely not with financial.

nova-san said...

When I first learned that I was going to have a kid, I got really scared that I wasn't going to be ready, financially, or in any way, and then I got angry because I felt like I was going to have to give up my lifestyle to take care of the baby (and don't ever tell G about this!), but amazingly, everything changed when I saw her little face. I wanted to be and do everything for her, even deal with all the bad stuff like dirty diapers and the sleepless nights listening to her cry.

To be someone's sole source of survival, to be that person's it, is an amazing feeling that no words can ever do justice.

Lance said...

sus, naaalala ko tuloy nung nagka false alarm me with my gf.. that was too exhausting to think..
i don't know what to do about just raising up the baby or, you know, abortion..
good thing hindi pa pala ngayon..
but had it been real, i really don't know talaga anong gagawin..

i really can't imagine myself being a dad. i maybe financially stable pag solo ko ang sweldo ko, but i had to also support my family and my elder sister who is still at school..

i envy my sister kasi may baby Lenard na xa.. the kid is so cute and cudly parang little bro ko lang xa..hehehe

Keitaro Hanazawa said...

"i am irresponsible, hard and hot headed, impatient."

Everything will change the moment you see your child. Try mo na, dali!:)

wanderingcommuter said...

dabo: probably, oo nga eh... out of nothing else to do.

mugen: kaya nga may science na man kuya joms. at kung masyadong mahal naman, lagi nandyan si san miguel.

sexymoi: oo nga eh, napakaraming preparations, magkaanak lang.
jericho: naku, mas mura pa ata ang gatas sa lakas mong kumain, jericho.

joaqui miguel: may isa akong roomate dati, sabi niya sa akin one day nung nagdala ako ng water snake sa bahay, kapag nabuhay ko daw siya ng atleast two months, handa na daw akong magkarelasyon... a week after namatay ang water snake. kasalanan ko ba kung ayaw niya kumain... hello!

ron: life changing nga ata talaga kapag may panibago kang life na kailangan ishoulder... pero minsan depende pa rin yan sa tao. kasi may ilan pa ring mga cases na pinapa abort at inaabandon... haaay! buhay!

white: nalungkot naman ako sa family name issue mo.... i really appreciate the fact that you've open this up.... i am moved. thanks!

the dong: masipag ka pala... well, mukhang sa pagtravel mo naman you are far more responsible than anyone i know in the blogsphere.

borge: pareho tayo,... i can definitely relate. oh well, medyo nga selfish kung gagawin lang natin extension ng story natin sa buhay ang mga anak natin. dapat they create their own story for their own life.

dazed blu: i think they are of the different context kaya ganun na lang silang magparami at magpabarag barag ng mga anak. one reason i think is unemployment... dahil walang magawa, alam mo na... second, mahal ang kuryente... weird analogy, i know! hahaha...

efrenerfren: naku, nakakatakot naman yan... hahaha.

bino: oo mag aasawa na ako... nagpapa audition n anga ako ngayon... mula mother ignacia hanggang broadway ang pila. hehehe!

kiks: naku, kiks... magkaibigan nga kayo ni jericho.. bakit niyo ba ako pinag tutulungan? hahaha!

ely: isipin mo na lang ely. mas madaling maachieve ang financial stability kesa sa emotional and physical readiness..

nova: hehehe. really?! well, you have a nice kid and mere looking at her spells the word lucky already. she coming in your life is one of the rare moments any potential parent can have.

lance: well, i think the picture will of another baby in the family will be happier for you guys. well, if your nopt yet prepared like me. probably the best thing to obrserve is precaution

keitaro: kaw ba magnininong?

mang badoy said...

ako ready na in all aspect except TIME! i need to work outside the country just to earn much... wala kasing TV yung mahihirap kaya ang libangan nila sa gabi e makipag sex sa partner nila...

kawawa naman yung mga bata... pag umuuwi nga ako sa manila naaawa ako sa mga rugby boys na dumarami ng dumarami...

Will Shady said...

I know what you mean. I like spending times with my nieces but once they start getting tired and cranky then I give them back to their mothers. Haha. I was watching some TV show two weeks ago and this older guy said you can't become a full person until you experience raising a child with both the ups and the downs. He said it better. I'm just paraphrasing what I remember. Man, Margaret Cho's dad is a pretty smart guy.