lost in manila

someone once asked me, "how many kids do you want to have?"
i answered him, "as many as i can or even until my testes run dry."
but wanting is different from doing.
for some, having a kid would probably be as easy as spitting in the street. but for me, who likes to complicate things, it's not. although i believe that i am financially ready (which is the primary factor lacking for most people that is why most unplanned conceptions are put into waste), but for some reason i have this feeling that something in me is not ready yet. its just a simple intuition that brings out even the picture of not having a child at all as a clear possibility. not because i am impotent for i smoke menthol nor even i am thinking to be a priest.
nowadays, there are lots of ways of getting a child either through science or adoption. one example, are institutions that cater in assisting partners on having a child of their own, bilogically or legally. and there are even informal practices, especially in our country, that associates a kid into another potential parent with just words of mouth in exchange of material or other form of assistance. sometimes you can even buy them from people who have them by accident. see, i do have a number of options to choose from either having one of my own or adopting; and for me, it wouldn't really matter regardless it came from me or not. what the problem is am i ready to have one?
well, its just that i find it quite difficult to imagine myself as a father. i am irresponsible, hard and hot headed, impatient and most of all i fear that my child/ren would end up as a pain in the neck in our society someday. i know some would actually say that once a person recognizes his weaknesses, it would be easier for one not to do it anymore. but in second thoughts, these would laterally bring him pressure and that is something that i might not endure. moreover, being a father entails a great amount of expectations.
i never really had my father when i grew up since he was working abroad during that time. my mom, on the otherhand, although she was always around, we never really became close---probably because we were brought up not that emotional. there were moments when i was still small that something in me is looking for a father image, especially in the cliche-ic times when our school would conduct family days. most of the time, i tend not to inform my mom so that i will miss those activities. for i know that it would just make me feel envious to my classmates who have their family with them.
but i never blamed my parents for such. because in such an early age, i already understood why our family is this way. infact, i am actually more grateful since despite this, my parents were able to brought us up properly, atleast in our own context, and never broke up.
but whenever i imagine myself as a parent, i have doubts and hesitations since i don't have a father to look for when i was a kid. if only i can just donate my sperm and give it to a surrogate mother. provide her all their needs, raise the kid up. then i could just visit him/her whenever i feel liking to be a father again---that is how irresponsible i am when it comes to these.
i want to see his first walk, first poo, first talk, and all his firsts. but when s/he starts crying, sick and be stubborn like me, i want to be not there. inshort, i want to be in the fun part. but nowhere when it is already the hard events. ofcourse, some would actually say that those hardtimes actually makes the fun part more appreciated and valuable. but at the back of my head, i believe that i am not ready for that part yet. not to mention, the idea is making me sound more of a sexist.
now, i am imagining little ewiks, smiling and chuckling. so adorable, so cute and so tempting just like their father. although i know that at the back of those little cherubins, hell lies. but who knows those pictures might change everything that i have wrote here and even make me the best father in the world. whichever! (sabi ng officemate ko. hahaha)

*after watching, lost in beijing.