dreality

i was never fond of sleeping until recently.


whenever i had more than 7 hours of sleep, expect that i will be in a very bad mood. probably because i feel that i have passed so many things by the time i wake up. i haven't outgrown this feeling yet that started when i was still a little kid.
do you remember when we you were little that your parents will force you to take your after lunch siesta? that if you don't take it, pretend that you were sleeping the whole time, or just slept for less than an hour, you will not be allowed to play outside in the afternoon or have a tasty merienda?


i believe that this is a common childhood picture for all of us. our parents have this belief that sleeping after lunch makes a child grow tall and smart. well, i think that is true basing from what i am now (hehehe). but there was this one picture of it that i still haven't forgoten and clearly remembered. one day, i arrived in our home from school and immediately went to my room and took my siesta so that i'll be able to play text cards with my friends afterwards. but when i woke up, it was already about to get dark. when i look at the window, the sun was setting and painted the whole sky with a warm color of orange over dim dark scattered clouds. the picture was extremely depressing, if you'll ask me.


when i got out of my room, there was no one inside the house. my entire family went to the mall to dine in. i latter discovered that they have decided not to bother to wake me up anymore since i was sound asleep. then i went outside. the streets were already empty too. my friends who i were supposed to play with already went home since it was already dark. i felt very very lonely that, time that i don't know of any other way to defend myself from that feeling.

solitary. color pen and paper. 02/08/08

ever since that day, i developed a fear of experiencing the same feeling. thus, i would skip siesta, pretend that i was sleeping the entire time (because of this i actually learned the technique on how to make your eyelid still when you are acting that you are asleep) or make sure that i'll be the first one to wake up from the rest of my siblings. sleeping eventually became the least thing i would do and spend my time with.
but these past days, i am starting to sleep more than i usually do. i sleep for around 5 hours in a regular day. i considered it decadence already if i'll be able to complete it. during hectic days, 3 hour of sleep is already enough just for me to be able to replenish myself. but these past days, i was surprised when i realized that i am starting to get more than 7 hours of sleep. i also noticed that my dreams were beginning to be more vivid and even remember them when i wake up, which rarely happens.

the incident led me to the possibility that thinking too much these past days might be connected to the sudden change of my sleeping pattern.

yes, i am thinking too much again. there are too many things running inside my head that i could not even catch one and elaborate in this post. but what i could tell though is that a big part of the pie is more with regard to my personal frustrations.

i just recently took another leave from law school. it seemed like the load that i have for this semester was heavier than i have expected. it was even way heavier than the load that i got when i was in my freshman year, where i was able to juggle it with work. even dropping some subjects was not an option for me as of the moment, since i was a cross enrolled probee. so i decided to take another leave to save my grades and credentials. but in effect, being idle with the routine that i have, were hitting me big time. my frustrations are returning back again and they are driving me crazier this time.

i want to quit my job again. i want to start a new career. but i am scared that i might fall into another mediocre profession or be a bummer too long.

the other day, i even went to up diliman and filed for an application, i am considering taking a MA for the time being. for i thought that it seemed like my leave for law school will be longer this time. i don't know! i am just confused that i could not even think up straight. i have plans but i don't know how to patch them with my work, my goals and those yadadas.
it is so confusing and frustrating that i can't even talk about it to my friends or even to anyone anymore. and whenever i am conscious, i just can't stop myself from thinking about it. i tried looking for various venues where i could channel it. a form of escapism for some.

then i discovered the solace of sleeping. i noticed that, regardless how mushy this could be, i find peace of mind in this state. the only place where i don't have to think nor confront all of it. it even gave me answers, that in a moment, i thought was real. until i woke up and realized that it was just another dream.

each dream is actually liberating. here, it seemed like all of my frustrations are answered. although unreal, i still tend to believe in it. but once i wake up, i push myself back to sleep again. hoping that the dream will continue by its own. but most of the time, it doesn't. so i am forced to accept reality once more.

let me end this post, with a line in a movie that i have just recently watched. it basically says, "all of us live to make our dreams in reality. but what if those dreams already become one, but we didn't notice it because were so use of living with it that way, will we be able to realize the difference between the two at the end?"



*welcome to the club, guys. feel free to register. hehe.