random rants

i never believed in past life. but there are times when i wondered what it was. if what most people say that it manifest in your current, then it may be safe to assume that i was way different from what i am now or what i should have ought to be. because if not, then i'll not be feeling this something trying to break free inside of me.
as i walk down the usual street i take, whenever i go home alone, i ask myself how come other people seem to be contended with what they have now. regardless if they sleep on the streets, be a cigarette vendor or just have a small bag of rice and a piece of dried fish for a day for the rest of their life?
well, of course if given the chance they(we) will never choose to have a life like this. but how come most of us lack or doesn't even have the ability to choose what kind of life we want to live? can we say that it is because of our past life? are these people have already determined theirs that is why they have already accepted the life they have in the present? well, i think that is unfair.some people will actually contest, like most of the people i have talked with, that life is always a matter of choice. but i beg to disagree. for me, what is there to choose if there are even no options offered or available: or if there are conflicting priorities to be considered. we need to keep in mind, that we are only rational if we are not on another's shoes. for we may even have an entirely different context from them. sometimes what we believe in, will not always apply for most situations. this is the essence and flaw of giving advises. it is easy for anyone to choose to be rich for example. but can it be possible if a person didn't even have the necessary education and skill to attain it because of countless reasons of unjust? or how can a person get a profession from which s/he will feel fulfillment, if there are no job openings available or if s/he has other personal priorities like a family to support? sometimes even hardwork doesn't suffice one to be successful because if that will be case then poverty should not be tagged among most filipinos (or at least, i believe that most of us are).
i noticed that i am sounding very defensive on this matter. when in fact, deep inside, i am a great believer of choice and free will. but it is just that i am so tired of hearing people telling me or better yet imposing me what to do or what will be best for me. aside from, i also just had it with the work i have. but don't get me wrong. i do appreciate concerns and advises. but sometimes there are limits especially if someone keeps on brushing it on a confuse person.
as of the moment, i can't really say anything in my defense when it comes to this issue. probably because i still don't have a clear perspective with my life and what i want to do or be. a problem of a spontaneous person trying to straighten his life, trying to "grow up" so to speak.
i am also scared that if i'll drop my current work and find a new one, i will just be broke with my bills while looking for another job. then end up in the same industry, just like what happened the last time i took that brave step.
in this harsh world, happiness is like the X mark in a forgotten treasure map. some bite for it. while some will not believe it actually exists. eventhough you'll be to locate it without the right key, it will just forever remain as a display for our eyes to feast.
now, i just wonder whether the key to this treasure is contentment or is it just the same key everyone is holding on.***written after the following events:i. read the youngblood in PDI dated September 19, 2008 (i guess) regrading quarter life crisis inside the office.ii. a friend texted me, "masaya ka ba?" out of nowhere while i was about to start my work.iii. an officemate asked me, if i was the one who drew the sketch i put on my table. when i said, yes. she told, " then what are you doing here?" then she left. *biatch!*iv. its been a while since i last had, mejji's hello panda. when i picked my first two piece, i saw a happy panda and a panda aiming an arrow. go figure.