"EX"pecting expectations

i dragged myself out of the building half awake, as the concoction of sleepiness and stress started to take its toll on my then puffy red eyes. i was once called an "adik" in the province when i went home from baguio. but if my parents saw me that very moment, they would have probably sent me to the nearest rehab center. i never really could tell if i was dreaming or not during that time. i was just so tired and exhausted. so i took a stick out of my cannister and lit it, hoping that it would still lend me another couple of hours more. but i felt that i have already extended myself beyond my limit and at that moment, i was on the verge of colapsing.
the monotony of the people and place outside didn't even catch my consciousness from falling from sleeping. thus, i looked up above the horizon, thinking looking at the struggling daybreak below the still sleeping evening clouds. another day is coming, would do the trick.
but then, i realized what that the day was. i almost forgot that it was something said special.
i immediately took my phone out of my pocket and saw two unread messages. as expected it was A.
although i already have an idea what the message was, i still opened and read it. another brief greeting, almost similar to the message i have received last month. but it was the second message that made my soul finally collapsed.
"kta tau d2 mkati aftr wrk mu. mrt k n pra mblis. il wait 4 u in rcbc plaza."

rcbc plaza

i immediately requested if it will be possible to spend it at my place instead. since i am still coming from work. while A was still on rest day and i would be a dead meat by the time i go out. but A insisted ranting that it was the least thing i can do as a partner to this occasion. oh yeah, i remember, we spend the same day on my place last month. so it was expected that it was me this time to do the effort. eventually i gave in (place has always been a major consideration with us. since i am living in quezon city. while A is in makati).
i was barely standing on my feet when i went out and literally carried myself to the nearest train station. it was as if majority of my limbs just gave up and retired. then i fell on my knees when i arrived and saw a large crowd climbing the stairs of the station. there was no way that could let me take the train with that huge number of people. probably, this was the launching point on how i developed a phobia in riding the train especially the MRT.
so to save my barely struggling body, i opted in riding an FX going to makati (i forgot the actual destination though i know it is in makati) instead. although unsure, i thought that as long as the route will follow the mrt track then i am safe. i could just drop off in buendia if this would not pass rcbc. then i texted A about it. but the vehicle was already on its way, when i learned that A was already waiting and expecting me in buendia station.
A became furious and texted me that the route will not pass by mrt buendia, rather it would turn right when it reaches guadalupe and so it did. from that point, i was already alarmed when i noticed that not a single street or establishment was familiar. aside from the fact that A kept on nagging me about my mistake instead of giving the directions on how to get to rcbc through that route. to wrapped things up, my cellphone started beeping telling me it was running out of battery until it finally died on me.
from there, i knew i am dead.eventually, i decided to get off the vehicle after realizing we haven't passed a single familiar landmark yet. to cut the long story short, i dropped and walked from kalayaan bel-air to rcbc plaza for almost two hours and also got lost when i made a wrong turn to paseo de roxas.
surprisingly, A was already smiling at me when we finally met. probably A already saw the frustrations on my face when i was walking towards the building. A might have figured that his two hours of waiting was nothing to what happened to me.
i didn't smile back to A when we met. i just continued my walk though i didn't know where to go. A followed and kept on asking me if i was mad. i told A, i am not. I am just tired and just want to celebrate it. A waived a cab and the next thing i knew we were already in A's place. it just took me three hours of sleep to calm me down again.
when the day ended, i excused myself to A since it already getting late and i still have to mee tmy sister for dinner. but A refused. another arguement emerged out of nowhere. A filled the air with the same litany of me not being a good boy friend, insensitive, irresponsible and could not even meet a single expectation.

the last word echoed and lasted in my ears until i atleast called it a night--- expectations.

admit it or not, each of us has our own expectations when it comes to our personal relationships especially if it involves commitments. usually, we set our own "must" to our partners without thinking that our partners also have theirs. s/he must do, think, behave etc. this or atleast just their personal considerations. thus, it gives birth to jealousy, possessiveness, frustrations and eventually break up.

walking away

most of the time, love alone is not enough to make the relationship going. both partners also need to meet half way with their expectations and needs, in order for their relationship to survive.
i believe that love is selfless. on the other hand, loving isn't. sometimes, as a partner, we can really be selfish because of the expectations that we put into the relationship and this creates the only poison that could kill the foundations that have been created.
well, i think the story above is not the best example for this topic. but probably be the best for my case. relationships are created and established not only to channel and absorb surplus emotions nor as a form of security when we grow up and not even to supply the production of human offspring for human survival, because just the country's population will be enough to maintain a relatively sustainable number of human species for the next 200 years. i believe that human relationships are formed for mutual growth: personally and socially. not as something, exclusive, that create a faction from the rest of the society. but don't get me wrong. the previous statement doesn't lead to any promotion of multiple relationships.
probably what i only stresses is the importance of personal space and for one to recognize that sometimes this is being trespassed by various selfish factors. most of which are under the facade of what A called as "expectations."

does age really matters?

one of the saddest things that i have heard recently, is from this infomercial of abs-cbn. it was about a video clip of a child saying, "i don't know what my age is." for most of us, we determine our age from the number of birthday celebrations we had, memories of that day that we have spent with our family and friends and basically, if we know how to count. but for those people who lack all of these, i wondered how is it like living clueless with your own age?
knowing our age greatly affects the choices and actions we do in our life. we use it to plot specific action plans and decisions, in order to maximize the time that we have.but some would say that everyone is actually blind when it comes to dealing with their life and that no one trully knows what is at the end of it or if there is actually one. and in these, i could totally relate.
i am already a degree holder and got myself a job. but i am still having the hardest time whenever i am asked what i really want to do with my life, especially whenever we are talking about careers. i have so many things that i want to do and i still keep on looking for another. probably that is why at the end of the day, i end up confused.
yes, i know i need to focus and determine the things that i believe would make me feel fulfilled and successful. but as of the moment, no matter i squeeze and push myself, i am just lost.
but then i realized that for people who doesn't know their age, aside from the thousands of other factors that are not available for them to outwit their challenges, living is more like walking in the middle of a vast desert: no road and no sign. basically, no idea of where they are heading and to worsten things more, these are kids, vulnerable and helpless.
i feel so selfish after watching the informercial. it made me realize how petty these things that i keep on ranting about. when in fact, ishould feel grateful about the things that i have achieved and possesses.i complain about the degree that i took because the world doesn't provide sufficient jobs for it. when in fact there are billions of other people who can't even send themselves to school. i complain about my work that despite it is well compensating, i don't feel fulfilled, without thinking there are an alarming number of people who are unemployed and devastated with poverty.
ofcourse, these lines are not new to us anymore. probably, you have heard these to our parents and friends for the millionth time. but sometimes you just have to see the actual picture or better yet experience it for us to fully understand the meaning of those statements.
now, i am already 23 years old. although i am aware what my age is, i can say that i am like this kid. someone who still doesn't have a clear idea of what lies ahead. but regardless of this fact, the picture of that kid uttering those words, atleast, gave me an idea where to begin. hopefully, by the time i am able to ride with the current tide, i'll make sure that i will definitely go back to these kids and build them a road. so that they'll be able to have a clearer way to take with their lives even if they don't know their age.

strangers

source

as the popular clothing line says, a world without strangers. this would probably be one of the most powerful and moving statement any commercial line had come up. it is nice to hear that such fashion statement have transgresses from the typical promotion of low self esteem in the facade of boosting our egos through being "fashion conscious" individuals.

nonetheless, the statement is just a statement. it doesn't provide any concrete means and goals on how to materialize it. we could never know each other by simply wearing the same tee or pants, couldn't we? for all of us have our own and different life stories underneath our clothes (did i sound shakira on that line?).

but is a world without strangers really possible? or is it just another utopia that most of us still dream of?

most of us find and employ ways to widen our circle: to meet acquiantances, friends, potential lovers and even lifetime partners. but if you'll come and think of it, we'll also realize that this is also a mean of reducing strangers around us. and through the break of modernity, the internet have become one of the most popular and effective venue in doing this.

who here have not used the mIRC or messenger once in their life? probably for some they even learned how to chat first before they knew how to use an email or browse a website. internet chat has become one of the most popular activity among internet users. some would even say that it is addictive. porbably because the thing with chatting is that it is able to meet two or more people in one venue wherever they may be, and above all is its characteristic to provide its users the ability to create and personify a different identity, thus, it creates an ideal image of one self, and from this the game makes its either exciting or risky.

source

but in a world full of superficiality, the idea of uncertainty should never be miss out. most especially, in meeting these people we knew and met over cyberspace.
for most of us, our imagination has the tendency to create a virtually-ideal-near-impossible image of one another, depending on how creative you are in drafting your own prince or princess charming. we tend to romanticize things too much. sometimes we even base everything especially the physique of a person through stereotypes: his origin, economic class, school s/he attended, educational attainment, profession and even his alias. but all we have here is just a biased virtual image and not the actual picture of that person. so the end result is frustration and a broken ego to the other person.

probably the point that i am just trying to stress out is that in meeting someone over the internet, never expect that you'll meet someone that looks like jake cuenca or amanda page (i just thought of her, sorry), never anticipate that you'll end up as lovers or in bed, and don't await that you'll always have the same person that you thought about in the other line. everything changes in actual reality, you know.

source

although i am not an expert to such things, for the number of people i have personally met because of the internet is still less than the number of my fingers in my hand (and no, i don't have seven fingers in one hand), for me, the rule of the thumb is expect the worst and be your best. what matters are the things that made the both of you keep the line and not the things that was just revealed by that single moment.

then i just realize that a world without strangers is not just about meeting someone, seeing their physique or smelling their scent. it is actually more of knowing the person, unravelling the story behind their clothes (here comes the malicious part...not!hahaha) and feeling the battle their taking. then from that launching point we will be able to understand that there is indeed no strangers in this world, it is just us who keeps on putting the stigma. it is just us who makes them one.

i believe that the major reason why there is conflict, war and discrimination is because of men's lack of inniative and skill to know the other person. men keeps on living within the shadow of strangers and not what is beyond. thus, we don't and still don't understand.

if we will only take a part of our time to hear and feel their story. then probably we'll know that that person is not really a stranger rather s/he is just like you (or us) being treated as one as well.

and to sum it all, no, i didn't meet anyone or planning to meet someone anytime soon.

hindi totoong emo ako!

isang araw habang nakasakay sa bus, ako'y nakatingin sa labas at nagpapakain sa kawalan. madaming bagay ang naglalaro sa isip ko ngayon---bumabagabag, namumuo sa loob ko at nagpapabigat ng pagal na kaluluwa. gusto ko'ng umiyak. sa matagal na panahon, ngayon ko na lang din mararamdaman ang pagtagas ng mainit na luha sa nanlalamig ko ng mukha.

kumukuha na ako ng bwelo ng biglang, nakita ko ito.

naisip ko, napaka anti-climatic ng mga ganitong eksena na hindi mo alam kung iiyak o tatawa ka ba. kaya naisip ko para iwas pacheeseburger, dapat maging masaya... buti na lang nakita ko ito. halina't mag payaman ng bokabularyong tagalog.

baktol

ang ikatlong lebel ng mabahong kilikili.

kukurikapu

libag sa ilalim ng boobs.

mulmul

buhok sa gitna ng nunal.

burnik

taeng sumabit sa buhok sa pwet.

alpombra

tsinelas ng mga nagtitinda ng yosi.

bakokang

higanteng peklat.

spongklong

estupidong tao.

weneklek

buhok sa utong.

barnakol

maitim na libag sa batok.

bultokachi

tubig na tumatalsik sa pwet.

kalamantutay

mabahong pangalan.

mcarthur

taeng bumabalik after mong iflush.

may mga karagdagan ako:

cachichas

nagnanaknak na sugat sa pagitan ng mga daliri.

yung hindi mo na mabuka at halos magkadikit na ang mga daliri mo.

punlay

isperm o punla ng buhay.

takluban

vagina o pekpek.

alipawpaw

eroplano.

eh, ano tagalog ng chair?

salumpuwit

eh ng BRA?

salung-suso

ng panty?

salungguhit

eh ng BRIEF?

salungganisa

ano tagalog ng wheel chair?

salum-po

hahaha... kitams, funny kaya ako?! at hindi po totoong emo ako. black propaganda lang yun... hahaha!!!

ayus! tipid walang cheeseburger!!!

maraming salamat din po pala kay kiss the bitch para dito!!! asteeg ka! you made my day!

naisip ko minsan hindi rin naman masama iboost ang ego, kaya pinost ko na lang din ito. walang kukontra, ang kokontra sasarado ang butas sa pwet!

random rants

i never believed in past life. but there are times when i wondered what it was. if what most people say that it manifest in your current, then it may be safe to assume that i was way different from what i am now or what i should have ought to be. because if not, then i'll not be feeling this something trying to break free inside of me.
as i walk down the usual street i take, whenever i go home alone, i ask myself how come other people seem to be contended with what they have now. regardless if they sleep on the streets, be a cigarette vendor or just have a small bag of rice and a piece of dried fish for a day for the rest of their life?
well, of course if given the chance they(we) will never choose to have a life like this. but how come most of us lack or doesn't even have the ability to choose what kind of life we want to live? can we say that it is because of our past life? are these people have already determined theirs that is why they have already accepted the life they have in the present? well, i think that is unfair.some people will actually contest, like most of the people i have talked with, that life is always a matter of choice. but i beg to disagree. for me, what is there to choose if there are even no options offered or available: or if there are conflicting priorities to be considered. we need to keep in mind, that we are only rational if we are not on another's shoes. for we may even have an entirely different context from them. sometimes what we believe in, will not always apply for most situations. this is the essence and flaw of giving advises. it is easy for anyone to choose to be rich for example. but can it be possible if a person didn't even have the necessary education and skill to attain it because of countless reasons of unjust? or how can a person get a profession from which s/he will feel fulfillment, if there are no job openings available or if s/he has other personal priorities like a family to support? sometimes even hardwork doesn't suffice one to be successful because if that will be case then poverty should not be tagged among most filipinos (or at least, i believe that most of us are).
i noticed that i am sounding very defensive on this matter. when in fact, deep inside, i am a great believer of choice and free will. but it is just that i am so tired of hearing people telling me or better yet imposing me what to do or what will be best for me. aside from, i also just had it with the work i have. but don't get me wrong. i do appreciate concerns and advises. but sometimes there are limits especially if someone keeps on brushing it on a confuse person.
as of the moment, i can't really say anything in my defense when it comes to this issue. probably because i still don't have a clear perspective with my life and what i want to do or be. a problem of a spontaneous person trying to straighten his life, trying to "grow up" so to speak.
i am also scared that if i'll drop my current work and find a new one, i will just be broke with my bills while looking for another job. then end up in the same industry, just like what happened the last time i took that brave step.
in this harsh world, happiness is like the X mark in a forgotten treasure map. some bite for it. while some will not believe it actually exists. eventhough you'll be to locate it without the right key, it will just forever remain as a display for our eyes to feast.
now, i just wonder whether the key to this treasure is contentment or is it just the same key everyone is holding on.***written after the following events:i. read the youngblood in PDI dated September 19, 2008 (i guess) regrading quarter life crisis inside the office.ii. a friend texted me, "masaya ka ba?" out of nowhere while i was about to start my work.iii. an officemate asked me, if i was the one who drew the sketch i put on my table. when i said, yes. she told, " then what are you doing here?" then she left. *biatch!*iv. its been a while since i last had, mejji's hello panda. when i picked my first two piece, i saw a happy panda and a panda aiming an arrow. go figure.

to define hiatus is to define one's self

ewik defines hiatus as a momentary absence from one's social activities and/or responsibilities. despite the presence of means to accomplish it, for the purpose of fulfilling one's self.

ugnayan. etching. 09/15/2008

i immediately went off from office and hailed a cab to cubao. even the weight of my bag didn't slow me down in reaching the bus station in cubao before it hits 6. the excitement of getting there in the soonest possible time became my extra joss against work exhaustion and lack of sleep and for some reason, also made the cab to take a 30 minute trip to less than 20.
when the bus went off to baguio, i had the hardest time of catching sleep. literally because, the only things in my mind were where to go first, who to meet and what to do for my entire stay there. i promised myself that i need to maximize my two days rest before i go back to manila again. but eventually i was able to take a short nap.
we were already at the bus stop in sison when i woke up. when the bus went off again for the remaining hour and a half, i couldn't put myself to sleep again. there was this unexplanable feeling in me when i felt the bus' inertia pushing and pulling me on my seat. i knew we were already in marcos highway. any moment now, i am already back in baguio.

the moment i stepped off the bus, the first thing i have appreciated was the mysterious effect of the highland fog. in such way, like when i first went here during my freshman year.
i took another cab and headed to my first destination, up baguio, to meet some friends. the first thing i noticed inside the cab was the road routes were not like before. the taxi driver informed me that the city government is actually experimenting this scheme to minimize traffic volume.

at the back of my head, i said, "baguio is really beginning to be overcrowded."
one thing i love and miss in baguio is the taxis. taxi drivers here literally give back your change up to the last 25 cents. although the additional 10 peso from the actual metered fare policy is also being implemented here, i can say that it is still more convenient to ride one here than in manila. the flag down rate is 25php and 1.50php for every additional 200 meters and aside from the fact that drivers here are more courteous, friendly and good-looking (unfortunately, i failed to take a shot as a proof of evidence).
when i arrived in up baguio, the place was almost entirely different from it used to be. there were a lot of new buildings and new faces, that made me realized what my age really is. there were also new POLICIES! like no SMOKING! honestly, this surprised me. since smoking before was one of those things that other universities envy us. but oh well, the university seems to be really serious when it comes to environment advocacies. well, who is not? everyone nowadays, is really into the green movement. no problem with that. but the ironic thing was, the vacant land which is owned and infront of the campus, is being planned to have a condominium be built.

anyhow, i immediately went to our beloved tambayan, hoping that some old friends were around. but when i went there, i just saw a bunch of new faces. so i then introduced myself as this and that and as expected the welcome was ridiculously funny but warm. later on, old friends started to appear and i was really overwhelmed with their kisses, hugs and "kamustahans'."
for a moment, i thought i was still in college talking and having the time of my life with them. but time is harsh whenever you are having it great. it is treacherous: it flies swiftly when you are enjoying it and can also be slower than mollasses if you are not. by the time, they told me they have to go their respective classes those are the moments that made me realize that i am no longer in college and i need to move on.

good thing i saw my crush the next day. Y still wearing that same silent and well-defined face, gave a warm nod at me. i responded with a quick smile. although i was exploding with joy deep inside.
we never really had the chance to talk and know each other before. all i know is, Y is a good musician and always aloof with everyone (thats my biggest turn on). but never fails to surprise everybody with that senseful and authoritative voice. a person with few words, as they say. unfortunately, i have heard that Y is already with a friend.

tsk! well, my line, mas madaling huliin ang manok kapag nakatali (it is easier to catch a chicken if it is tied---whatta translation?!), would not apply since we are talking with a friend here. nonetheless, i made sure that this trip would not end without me having to know Y. so i have decided to invite them for a drink. an invitation that they were forced to accept since its not everyday that they see me.
after watching a school activity we headed to engineer's hill. my first home here in baguio and to most up baguio students as well. its like the up village here. probably this is the only place in the city that didn't change drastically except for some drinking pubs and karenderya that were not there before.
we went to one of this beer bars, kanem, if i remember it right and immediately ordered bottles of beer. the place was full of familiar faces from school. well, drinking in a school night here in baguio is considered as a must. no wonder i have this kind of a belly.
later on, the beer already made us loose. eventually X, the friend who is with Y, opened up regarding their relationship while waiting for Y to arrive. basically, X told us the usual things like we seldom quarrel, the insecurities and what not. but i was surprised when X confessed to us they already broke up. i was aghast, if i may use the word. i feel sorry for X. but a great part of the pie is jumping in excitement because of the news. then Y arrived and later on confirmed about the news. so it was like double excitement. but i just decided to remain silent and pretended that i am not really affected.
well, both of them knew that i have a crush on Y. but its not really a big thing for them. few more of bottles and everybody were already quite tipsy. they were forcing me to extend my trip. but i refused and explained to them that i really need to go to work the next day. i beg them not to force me anymore because the majority of my decision gauge was to not leaving. honestly, i was scared. scared that if i will not leave tomorrow, i might stay there for good and leave everything i left here in manila. but i thought making a major turning point of your life over bottles of beer is almost the same thing as commiting suicide over a busted moment with your crush.
as the night went on, everyone seemed to be busy with their own world and bottle. then Y approached me and asked me about something i already forgot and eventually that question led to a conversation. Y even confessed to me that he already knew about "it" and from the looks of it, i could tell that Y is already tipsy.
then, out of the circumstance, i saw myself asking Y, "sabi ko naman sa iyo, sagutin mo lang ako, hindi na ako bababa ng manila e." then i thought, that was so college!!!

Y still trying to cope up with the conscious world then became speechless. i don't know if it was the beer or the things that i have just said that made Y blushed. good thing i am a good actor with the right timing, the question could be treated as either a serious offer or a joke. but Y remained silent and went for another gulp. so we have decided to drop the topic.
later on my friends, started to convince me again top extend my stay which again resisted. then Y asked, "sa bahay ka na lang matulog, kuya ewik." now, i was the one who became speechless. i wanted to bite the offer but Y is still living with X and i thought that it could be really ackward to stay there after everything that i have heard. so i took my bottle, bottomed it up and decided to call it a night.
the next day, i was already in the bus on my way to manila, still convincing myself that its over. everything was like a dream. but the depressing part was you knew that you were about to wake up and you just stay there and wait until your eyes open up: and that makes the dream more of a nightmare.
indeed, i have had a great time going and staying in baguio. for me, i considered it as my real home from the rest that i have lived in: manila, bicol and tarlac. and if ever i'll be able to settle down with my life i would definitely go back to baguio and settle there. unfortunately, i failed to foresee the part where i have to go back to manila because i was preoccupied about things when i was going to baguio. and now, i have to bear with it.
now, i am back to manila, back to the same routine. but definitely changed. for i have a new thing to look forward to and that is another hiatus. hehehe.

another mrt boo-boo's

i was 20 minutes late than the usual when i arrived at the mrt station. good thing, i still have my stored value card which saved me from the edsa-long pile of passengers waiting to buy a ticket ride. when i stepped on the escalator, i saw people starting to swarp up on the other side above. this only means one thing, the train already arrived.
i then immediately rushed up to catch it. i forgot how many people i boxed-out off my way. i really didn't care anymore. i was scared that if i will miss this trip, i'll be late for work----again.
then i heard the train doors' buzzer giving its ear-wrecking alarm. but i was still half way up. when i arrived at the end of the stairs, the door already begun closing.
my adrenalin rushed. my thoughts were then just focused on getting inside the train before the door completely closes. my feet flew faster than i am actually pushing it. but the door was almost half close.
NOOOOOO!!!!
voices began to appear telling me, "you can't make it, ewik! stop it now! the door is almost close and you might either get crush between the doors or crash yourself at it." while the other voice is telling me, "of course, you can make it. just believe in yourself! you are almost there. run faster! RUN!"
time was not enough for me to come up with a decision. so choosing the best out of two evils, i opted to push myself in. i didn't really care what might happen. all i could think of was i need to get into that train or else i am doomed!
then i felt the thick metal flooring beneath the sole of my right shoe. i checked if something hit my sides and there was none. everything seemed to be okay. when i have confirmed that both of my feet are now stepping on the aisle of the train. i cried "SUCCESS!"
i made it. i was able to catch the train by almost a second. i felt so proud of myself that i wanted to raise both of my arms and make a graceful bow to my watchful audience. i thought, probably, i wow-ed them with my stunts. but when i turned my eyes to them, i felt something weird. there was this unsual feeling in me telling me that something was wrong.
it actually took me almost 20 seconds standing in the middle of the train before i have realized that all the passengers looking at me were women: darn, i got inside a segragated cart.
although there were still available seats left, i slowly walked away from the aisle and chose to stand up near the door and pretended nothing really shameful happened.
from there, i beared the embarassment while thinking that i still have 6 stations more before i could step off of this awkward situation.

lesson learned: don't rush into things too much. hhhmmmm...

why stomachs matter in nation building

a social scientist, who devoted majority of his life living within the slummest area in manila once said that, despite the dominant poverty in the country, no filipino will ever die because of it. he strongly believes that filipinos are innately resourceful. they will come up with the most tactical way in order to survive another day, even if it means going to the extremes like eating leftover food outside fastfood chains and restaurants and the likes.
indeed, the saying as poor as a rat is one of the most common line heard among every filipino. probably because majority of us have experienced poverty (the filipino style) once in our life. nonetheless, we have survived or better yet, we are still surviving among these challenges.
but recently, one of the most alarming and disturbing news in the country came up. it was about a mother who committed suicide after poisoning her three children. she forced her children to drink a spoonful of toilet bowl cleaner out of hopelessness with their lives.
almost a year ago, an 11 year old girl also committed suicide by hanging herself after leaving a diary telling how she have lived out of extreme poverty.
what was common between the two stories, aside from the fact that both was regarding suicide out of poverty, was that financial and material aid, majority coming from the government poured to the families after that incident.
the thing is, it is already depressing to know that such horrible event could actually happen. the thought that filipinos are already beginning to lose hope with their lives: is also a clear reflection that they (or we) are beginning (or already) lose their trust to our social institutions specifically to the government.
but what is more aggravating with this, is the fact, that the government treats these aids as more of a momentary and individual response to such case rather than a general preventive measure to avoid such things.
yes, of course, running a country is not as easy and fun as playing sims. there isn't even any option where you could start it all over once problems are already hitting your characters. because aside from the political, economic and social factors within the country, the government also consider the global contexts.
but with all the price hikes, peso devaluation, mindanao conflicts and the rest of the news bombarding us, where will a typical juan dela cruz finds hope to his life, other than religion, if he could no longer trust the very institution that promised to guide and protect him?
the administration is even pushing the current government to federalism and charter change to answer these problems. but i believe regardless of what form of government we have or any constitution changes, if we are just putting in the same sets of monkeys on those seats, it will be just a waste of effort, time and another grand expenditure of public funds.
i believe it is more of changing our political culture and consciousness that could answer the call of our current context. if every citizen will be more politically conscious and participative (do you see the difference?), it will definitely make a big difference. this answer may be idealistic for some, especially to those who already lost their trust to our politics and more to the hope for change. but if the nation's cry is leaning towards it, then i believe it is worth a try. but how can we actually attract people to nourish their political consciousness and drive their participation if their trust in politics or the government to be more specific, is already gone?
i believe that the line, the easiest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, doesn't only apply to lovers. but could also be used as an effective political strategy. a nation is as good as its citizens. we may never win the entire nation's heart. but if you'll be able to feed atleast a person's stomach by assisting him to acquire all his needs to survive. then you'll be able to win him completely. if this deed is witnessed and experienced by others: and you are able to sustain and develop it, then you'll be able regain trust, rebuild hope and recall an entire nation to whatever goal it has or if it has one.

just my opinion.

too late comparing/complaining...

the recruitment officer asked, why did you apply for this job?

i came in late 5 hours from my actual scheduled interview. i was drop down drunk when i entered the building with blood shot in my right eye. i was holding a bottle of iced tea and water in my left hand and a cup of coffee in the right. i went inside a deserted room full of computers and asked to wait for good fate to come. since i was late, they told me that they could only accomodate me if there is one from the current batch that would not come in. luckily, the examiner is missing one. so she had no choice but to hold with her words. i think she had the nose for drunk. i was asked to answer 8 different leghty exams. then, found myself inside a cubicle being interviewed afterwards. my whole body still have the strong scent of the brandy i drank last night, i did my best to compose myself and come up with a sensible answer.

"because i believe this job is a good stepping stone in whatever career i want to pursue."

then the officer smirked. oh no. probably she already noticed that i am (still) drunk.with still a frown in her face (making her not an effective interviewer) she asked me again, "so for you this is not a career?"it was just then that i have realized that was a fatal answer: a make or break response. the only option i have is to support it or make an alibi to cover up my mistake. but i opted in sticking with my answer.

"honestly, i don't"

it was just tonight that i was able to remember that event and reason why i have answered that question. career is different from job. a career is doing something that you want to do. on the other hand, a job is doing something that you need to do.well, i can't really say if it is fortunate or unfortunate thing. but despite my answer i manage to land into that job. now, i am just wondering where could possibly be if i didn't pass the final interview. probably i am still cursing my friends for putting vetsin in my brandy.

the jeepny ride you wouldn't want to take

there is one story i have heard in baguio that up until now, i still can't forget. it was about a UP college student who took a last jeepny trip one night and created a legend throughout the city the next day.

if UP diliman has their UP ikot and toki, UP baguio has PNR-engineer's hill. if you are coming from session road and needs to go to UP baguio, the best option to take is the jeepny going for this route. because it is the only jeepny route that stops infront of the university's gate.

usually, the route takes the magsaysay road to sunshine park. then, from the end of the park, it turns left going to engineer's hill.

but if their are people dropping off in UP, passengers usually inform the driver by the time they reach sunshine park. from there, the jeepny will make a right turn instead of a left, drop those passengers infront of the university's gate and then make a U turn through the road island and goes straight to engineer's hill.

this was actually the same route that college student took from session road around 8:30 in the evening. well, you'll be surprised that most of the jeepny trips in baguio are only until 7 up to 9 in the evening. fortunately, the said route is until 9.

Anyhow, when the girl stepped inside the jeepny, she noticed that there were just 6 of them inside. so she decided to occupy the seat nearest from the entrance. after 30 minutes of waiting with no passengers stepping in, the driver decided to call it a night and hit the road.

somewhere along the ride, the girl decided to fix her groceries and put it on the seat beside her. then by the time she looked outside to check where they were, she was surprised to know that they were already along sunshine park. so she immediately shouted, "manong UP po."

fortunately, the driver heard it and managed to make a right turn in time. then stopped infront of UP. the girl immediately took her groceries and was about to stepped off, when the the jeepny started moving. it made a quick U turn through the road island, that outbalanced and forced her to sit back on the same seat. the girl was surprised. she almost fell out of the vehicle. but after regaining herself back, she then immediately knocked the jeepny's ceiling violently and shouted, "manong UP po!"

the driver turned around and stopped infront of the university's gate again. but the girl haven't stood up yet when the vehicle started moving again. from there, the girl started to freak out. even the passengers inside got alarmed about what was going on. some of the passengers were already helping the girl in knocking the ceiling and exclaiming, "manong UP daw!".

the driver made the same cycle: he did a U turn and stopped infront of UP again. this time, the girl has successfully stepped off the jeepney. she was waiting for the vehicle to move away. but surprisingly, it didn't. she realized that the driver was actually waiting for her to pass by the passenger's window. she was now furious and really considering slapping the driver's face or atleast scream at him and ask what his problem was? she almost died from that trip. but when the girl walked and reached it, the driver said to her, "ineng, pag uwi mo sa bahay niyo, sunugin mo o kaya baliktarin mo ang damit mo." [miss, please burn or wear your clothings in reverse by the time you reach home.]

the girl asked, "bakit naman po?" [why?]

"nakita ko kasi sa rear mirror ko na wala ka'ng ulo. hinintay ko lang lumitaw siya ulit bago kita ibaba."[because i saw you in my rear mirror headless. i just waited for your head to reappear again before i drop you off.]

the girl almost collapsed from what she have heard. the chill ran across her entire body. but she knew it was the kind of chill, not brought about by the typical baguio december nights. but something else. goosebumps were all over her and it continued until she reached her place. the next morning, the story spread like smoke inside the campus and eventually throughout the entire city.

source

it is actually a local superstition that when a person is seen without a head, s/he is believe to die out of a sudden death. most of the time, through accidents. but there are several ways to counter it, as our elders in our province used to say. some of these are either tapping the person's shoulder, keep him/her on one place until his/her head shows up, and/or burn the clothings that the person have worn.

well, i don't have anything to say explain why this happens or if its true. but regardless of these, this story really creeps me off. hopefully, after reading this, you would still have the courage to look at mirrors inside a car, taxi, or jeepny. unlike me, who is still being haunted by the pictures of the entire story up until now--- as i am writing this post. ooohhh, goosebumps!

*i just thought of writing an early haloween entry. enjoy!

faith

a friend once asked me what i think my past life was.
although i never really believe in reincarnation, the same way i have with heaven and hell. out of nothing in mind to say, i answered, "i think i am a penguin in my past life."

source

she then gave me a 'huh?!' look and asked me, "why?"
"because i think i was a frustrated performer."
"how can a penguin be a performer?"
"because of its fur. if you'll look at it, it looks like a tuxedo coat. and if you'll ask for another question i'll be forced to bill you."

then i read a line from a book that states, the more man achieves knowledge and rationality over the things around him, the lesser his religious faith becomes intact.

although i am not a religious person, i can't say that i am an atheist. i consider myself more of an agnostic or a non practitioner. for me, as long as science still cannot answer everything about life, then my believe for a god is still there. but as i have mentioned about in my previous posts, my being agnostic is anchored more upon the very institution itself propagating its doctrines. it has been a long time struggle for me, not to believe that there are biases, alterations and even falsehood in the dogmas of it.

a year after, i found myself conversing with mugen regarding the same topic over a couple of mucho mugs. i told him that i really don't get the idea why there should be the concept of soul and past life, if you'll not remember or carry over anything in your succeeding life. so what if you'll know that you have known that you are an old soul and if you were a grasshopper before? how would this affect the way you live your life in the present? if live or soul is just cycling over various time and space, then what will our purpose be? where and what is the finish line?

for me, the concept of reincarnation is the same difference with the concept of heaven and hell. whereas, each individual is conditioned with rewards and punishments. if you do what was instituted as "good", you are promised to go to heaven or get a "better" status and body in your next life. if you live the otherwise, it is expected that you go to hell or have a more remorse condition from what you currently have.

excuse me for saying this, but in my opinion (only), i believe that this relation is the blood life of all religion: to condition and control their followers. and without it would mean the break down of the very religion, morals, mores and even one's culture, where religion is rooted.

nonetheless, one should distinguish religion per se from an institutionalized religion. religion per se is the nature of an individual towards his spiritual faith or to whatever he believes in in life. institutionalized religion, on the other hand, is the faith established in one self with the help of the social institutions around him. although both share the same impact to one's spiritual self, it greatly differs on how we relate ourselves to others.

but then i wondered, what if there is such a thing as a genuine faith? what if there is indeed truth in all of these? what if it is worth believing?

then i finally realized that my perception towards institutionalized religion clouded my stand towards religion as a whole over the years. i miss the picture of myself praying. for me, it is like talking to one self and igniting something inside (probably this is what they call soul---not necessarily something that are misty or what we see in the movies). i miss giving thanks to whatever i have achieved every night. i miss asking guidance and will to overcome hardships. and i even miss those days, walking along streets without the feeling that i am actually alone.

source

so the other night, before i put myself to sleep, i knelt down beside my bed and shut my eyes close just like the way i use to do it before. then everything went automatically. the next thing i knew, i was already talking to myself again. the feeling was nostalgic. it is as if you are unburdening a heavy pile of something out from inside.

source

the next morning, i felt that i just had one of the deepest and lightest sleep i ever had for a very long time. believe it or not, the first thing that i actually did when i woke up, was to smile. i was smiling because of the idea that nothing in my believe actually changed. but i was able to finally brought my faith back.

here, in me--- again.

dreality

i was never fond of sleeping until recently.


whenever i had more than 7 hours of sleep, expect that i will be in a very bad mood. probably because i feel that i have passed so many things by the time i wake up. i haven't outgrown this feeling yet that started when i was still a little kid.
do you remember when we you were little that your parents will force you to take your after lunch siesta? that if you don't take it, pretend that you were sleeping the whole time, or just slept for less than an hour, you will not be allowed to play outside in the afternoon or have a tasty merienda?


i believe that this is a common childhood picture for all of us. our parents have this belief that sleeping after lunch makes a child grow tall and smart. well, i think that is true basing from what i am now (hehehe). but there was this one picture of it that i still haven't forgoten and clearly remembered. one day, i arrived in our home from school and immediately went to my room and took my siesta so that i'll be able to play text cards with my friends afterwards. but when i woke up, it was already about to get dark. when i look at the window, the sun was setting and painted the whole sky with a warm color of orange over dim dark scattered clouds. the picture was extremely depressing, if you'll ask me.


when i got out of my room, there was no one inside the house. my entire family went to the mall to dine in. i latter discovered that they have decided not to bother to wake me up anymore since i was sound asleep. then i went outside. the streets were already empty too. my friends who i were supposed to play with already went home since it was already dark. i felt very very lonely that, time that i don't know of any other way to defend myself from that feeling.

solitary. color pen and paper. 02/08/08

ever since that day, i developed a fear of experiencing the same feeling. thus, i would skip siesta, pretend that i was sleeping the entire time (because of this i actually learned the technique on how to make your eyelid still when you are acting that you are asleep) or make sure that i'll be the first one to wake up from the rest of my siblings. sleeping eventually became the least thing i would do and spend my time with.
but these past days, i am starting to sleep more than i usually do. i sleep for around 5 hours in a regular day. i considered it decadence already if i'll be able to complete it. during hectic days, 3 hour of sleep is already enough just for me to be able to replenish myself. but these past days, i was surprised when i realized that i am starting to get more than 7 hours of sleep. i also noticed that my dreams were beginning to be more vivid and even remember them when i wake up, which rarely happens.

the incident led me to the possibility that thinking too much these past days might be connected to the sudden change of my sleeping pattern.

yes, i am thinking too much again. there are too many things running inside my head that i could not even catch one and elaborate in this post. but what i could tell though is that a big part of the pie is more with regard to my personal frustrations.

i just recently took another leave from law school. it seemed like the load that i have for this semester was heavier than i have expected. it was even way heavier than the load that i got when i was in my freshman year, where i was able to juggle it with work. even dropping some subjects was not an option for me as of the moment, since i was a cross enrolled probee. so i decided to take another leave to save my grades and credentials. but in effect, being idle with the routine that i have, were hitting me big time. my frustrations are returning back again and they are driving me crazier this time.

i want to quit my job again. i want to start a new career. but i am scared that i might fall into another mediocre profession or be a bummer too long.

the other day, i even went to up diliman and filed for an application, i am considering taking a MA for the time being. for i thought that it seemed like my leave for law school will be longer this time. i don't know! i am just confused that i could not even think up straight. i have plans but i don't know how to patch them with my work, my goals and those yadadas.
it is so confusing and frustrating that i can't even talk about it to my friends or even to anyone anymore. and whenever i am conscious, i just can't stop myself from thinking about it. i tried looking for various venues where i could channel it. a form of escapism for some.

then i discovered the solace of sleeping. i noticed that, regardless how mushy this could be, i find peace of mind in this state. the only place where i don't have to think nor confront all of it. it even gave me answers, that in a moment, i thought was real. until i woke up and realized that it was just another dream.

each dream is actually liberating. here, it seemed like all of my frustrations are answered. although unreal, i still tend to believe in it. but once i wake up, i push myself back to sleep again. hoping that the dream will continue by its own. but most of the time, it doesn't. so i am forced to accept reality once more.

let me end this post, with a line in a movie that i have just recently watched. it basically says, "all of us live to make our dreams in reality. but what if those dreams already become one, but we didn't notice it because were so use of living with it that way, will we be able to realize the difference between the two at the end?"



*welcome to the club, guys. feel free to register. hehe.

lost in manila

someone once asked me, "how many kids do you want to have?"
i answered him, "as many as i can or even until my testes run dry."
but wanting is different from doing.
for some, having a kid would probably be as easy as spitting in the street. but for me, who likes to complicate things, it's not. although i believe that i am financially ready (which is the primary factor lacking for most people that is why most unplanned conceptions are put into waste), but for some reason i have this feeling that something in me is not ready yet. its just a simple intuition that brings out even the picture of not having a child at all as a clear possibility. not because i am impotent for i smoke menthol nor even i am thinking to be a priest.
nowadays, there are lots of ways of getting a child either through science or adoption. one example, are institutions that cater in assisting partners on having a child of their own, bilogically or legally. and there are even informal practices, especially in our country, that associates a kid into another potential parent with just words of mouth in exchange of material or other form of assistance. sometimes you can even buy them from people who have them by accident. see, i do have a number of options to choose from either having one of my own or adopting; and for me, it wouldn't really matter regardless it came from me or not. what the problem is am i ready to have one?
well, its just that i find it quite difficult to imagine myself as a father. i am irresponsible, hard and hot headed, impatient and most of all i fear that my child/ren would end up as a pain in the neck in our society someday. i know some would actually say that once a person recognizes his weaknesses, it would be easier for one not to do it anymore. but in second thoughts, these would laterally bring him pressure and that is something that i might not endure. moreover, being a father entails a great amount of expectations.
i never really had my father when i grew up since he was working abroad during that time. my mom, on the otherhand, although she was always around, we never really became close---probably because we were brought up not that emotional. there were moments when i was still small that something in me is looking for a father image, especially in the cliche-ic times when our school would conduct family days. most of the time, i tend not to inform my mom so that i will miss those activities. for i know that it would just make me feel envious to my classmates who have their family with them.
but i never blamed my parents for such. because in such an early age, i already understood why our family is this way. infact, i am actually more grateful since despite this, my parents were able to brought us up properly, atleast in our own context, and never broke up.
but whenever i imagine myself as a parent, i have doubts and hesitations since i don't have a father to look for when i was a kid. if only i can just donate my sperm and give it to a surrogate mother. provide her all their needs, raise the kid up. then i could just visit him/her whenever i feel liking to be a father again---that is how irresponsible i am when it comes to these.
i want to see his first walk, first poo, first talk, and all his firsts. but when s/he starts crying, sick and be stubborn like me, i want to be not there. inshort, i want to be in the fun part. but nowhere when it is already the hard events. ofcourse, some would actually say that those hardtimes actually makes the fun part more appreciated and valuable. but at the back of my head, i believe that i am not ready for that part yet. not to mention, the idea is making me sound more of a sexist.
now, i am imagining little ewiks, smiling and chuckling. so adorable, so cute and so tempting just like their father. although i know that at the back of those little cherubins, hell lies. but who knows those pictures might change everything that i have wrote here and even make me the best father in the world. whichever! (sabi ng officemate ko. hahaha)

*after watching, lost in beijing.

equilibrium: a 'thought' state

earlier this afternoon, out of complete boredom, i've decided to pay the nearby video shop a visit. since its been a while since the last time i have borrowed something out from them. most of the list that they have were movies i have already watched. while some are not really of my interest. but since i was already there, i was forced to pick any movies that i am not really familiar with. one of which was equilibrium which starred christian bale.

the what i thought to be a typical movie, happens to have a very interesting story plot. it was a sci-fi action movie that tackled a futuristic state were emotions are prohibited. the tyrrant who runs the state believes that the root of all problems in the world is due to man's emotions: happiness, sorrow, fear and even love. thus, they have to come up with a formula that supresses human emotions and eradicate everything that triggers it. such as music, art pieces, literature, colors, and all objects that represents memories and sentimental value such as pictures, etc. they even plastered their windows to cover up the sun from rising and setting---impressing!

if you'll come to think of it, the film is not that far from reality. probably, if this will happen soon, the first person the state will hunt for will be dabo---just kidding. peace. nyahaha!

i believe that there is no such thing as an utopia nor there will be a form of society that will be suitable for all mankind. even the game of sims could not be deemed as an utopian community. for it only allows the player to play and act as god. but not to control the emotions of each of the characters. it will take one patience, strategies, maneuvers, and various set ups just to convince a character to do "woohoo" with another character.

aside from rationality, emotions are the things that separate man from other beings. human have emotions. while animals have insticts. one should recognize the difference of one from the other. emotions, as ironic as it may sound, rely to rationality. while instinct depends on drives (food, sex etc.).

emotions play a vital part of our everyday life. everything that we do and think is anchored to it. for man's primary leaning, as to coin one philosoper, is to look for pleasure and avoid pain. although both maybe relative.

to cut the story short, after i have watched the movie, i've asked myself, is it really possible to have an emotionless state? from which, everything is being driven with rationality? and rationality alone?

if you're someone who just came from a break up, probably you would wish for this state to happen too. but for me, i could just imagine a state where there are no one sided bangs, no eye liner, no dark lipsticks, no suicides, and no lasseration. at first, the picture made me laugh (no offense, guys). but when the thought experiment begun to sink in, i then saw a society with no arts, no music, no hugging, no kissing, no keeping of used movie tickets and past cafe/restaurant receipts and no sentimental items. everything is basically, dull and mechanical close to being robotic.

even if sometimes our emotions are making us look outrageously ridiculous, overratedly mushy and and pathetically desperate, one way or another, only in that state, we feel human. and being human goes about any definition of pleasure nor pain. it is a distinct sensation, both a gift and a curse and above all, this makes who we are.

relationship by benefits

*the followng is a reaction to mugen's post.

cultural marxism states that human relationships are anchored upon economic relations. basically, the individual's economic status creates, defines and reinvents his/her relationship/s to his society. one of the most popular and most deviant example of this, is relationship by benefits. the benefit which is dependent upon those brought about by material wealth.
in a relationship by benefits, we have the sponsor and the sponsoree. the former being the one who possesses the capital. while the latter is the one who commits in the proposed relationship in exchange of it. but unlike other economic relations, there is no definite exploiter and being exploited in this set up. although the sponsor may dictate how and what the relationship will be, he is ,on the other hand, alienated with his own capital. while, eventhough the sponsoree dominates how the capital will be spent, s/he is alienated with his/her emotions and at the very worst his/her being human.
both individuals benefit from one another. but the relationship is also not as securing as those relationships founded by emotions or to be more specific---by love.
***
after reading mugen's post, i have realized a clearer picture of this relationship, atleast in my perspective.
he narrates how he have employed the service of a masseur he met through a mIRC channel and then discovered another picture behind the facade of this person, he have long fantasized.
after the price bargaining, both decided to meet in the masseur's pad. there, while the massuer was giving mugen the service, he have opened himself out to him and confessed that aside from this job, he also has sponsors to provide his daily allowance and school expenses. unfortunately, they come and go. thus, he needs to do something else for him to be able to survive and graduate college.
everyone, who have employed such service, would probably say that this is one of their usual pick up stories, in order, to convince their customers to chip in a bigger tip or render additional service. (well, for my case, i have learned about it through the film, masahista.)
but the way mugen have narrated his experience moved me. especially when he said: As he was reaching for my chest, I looked at his chinito eyes. His gaze were steely and cold-blooded and no matter how he smiled, it felt like his heart was already drowned from cynicism that it could not distinguish a real kindness from a self-serving one.
for a moment, i felt myself in the masseur's shoes and understood how his experiences made him to be numbed with his emotions---to be as cold and hard as our pavement's stone and to believe that his eyes are already drained of tears. one of the worst feelings if you'll ask me.
but when i was about to blame and curse his sponsors and everybody who have used him, another picture came in.
i imagine a picture of a man, a very rich business man. but he is an old, unattractive, fat and lonely gay man. probably, the most feared and avoided picture of every homosexual i know.
aside from his wealth, the old man barely has nothing. so he needs to use what is left of him to buy those things that time took away: companionship, satisfaction, happiness, youth and even the feeling of being loved even if its just for a moment and most importantly, even if its untrue.
but despite all of these that his money can buy, probably, time also taught him, through experience, that anything bought out of wealth tends to be extremely hurting at the end. thus, to save himself, he also needs to learn how to make his feelings numb and never get attach to another person over a long period of time.
indeed, life is cruel and to quote darwin, it is survival of the fittest. man needs to maximize his resources in order to outlive his challenges: that is, to seek pleasure and avoid pain. and in the case above, both have exercised everything due necessary to achieve it.
but at the end of the day, they'll just realized that they have just returned back from where they have started. the sponsoree having to do his low earning profession again, to look for another sponsor. while the old man, still unattractive, fat and alone, looking for another sponsoree.
the vicious cycle will start turning its wheel over and over again until both realized that this is becoming endless, at worst for them.

***
sometimes it surprises me, how i am able to fabricate this kind of story. hahaha.