lies, plain and simple

how much is honesty, nowadays?

is it really hard to be honest?

how come you're more prone in lying or easier to lie to somebody you're closed with than to an acquaintance?

or is just the intensity of dishonesty that varies depending on which person is involved?

before, a close friend told me that there are times when you need to lie for goodness sake; that is why there is what we call white lies. but for me, i never believed in the benefits of lying. dark lies, white lies, gray lies(?) they are still lies. bottom line, everybody is entitled to know the truth, even if the order is at stake. because nobody can better prepare a person of what's ahead of him if truth will be denied.

well, i wouldn't wash my hands by saying i don't lie because i could give you a million instances where i lied, right now. but despite these, i tend to lead the person to the truth as far as i can especially if s/he is someone close to me. even if, its not my business to meddle.

it is for the reason, i know how it feels to be absolutely clueless when everybody around knows exactly what is going on. sometimes, the outcome of knowing that everybody knew the truth except from you is more hurting than knowing the thing that is being kept from you.

just like what is happening to me right now.

ilocos food trip

'sinanglaw'

parang beef papaitan

bitter beef soup

cheese pemiento club house sandwich mojos
(not really an ilocos specialty, hehehe)

pesto pasta
(isa pa'ng hindi rin specialty)

ilocano style 'puque-pugue'

a mixture of eggplant, tomatoes,
onions, egg and it has BROTH!
the thing that differed it from
the kapampangan puque-puque
we commonly know.

pata tim
sweetened pork thigh

fish sinigang
dorado fish in sour soup

dinakdakan

ilocano version of sisig

bagnet
ilocos lechon

the original ilocano pinakbet
which has no squash on it.

3210: tall and proud

argh! my cellphone just died on me.

now, back to classic 3210 old school.

planning pagudpod

every semestral break, me and my block mates would head off to the beach. this year, they've planned to go to pagudpod and for me, its a two week preparation.

although i've stayed in baguio and heard a lot of great things about the place, i've never been there. so i immediately filed vacation leaves for a week at work. ever since then, i kept on checking on my account whether or not they were approved: just to know that they weren't.

my anticipation for hitting the ilocos' sands and sun just crumbled down. in my surprise as well, i just recently found out that i am officially (financially) broke. i have reached my credit limit and only have enough cash until the next pay out.

i am totally devastated.

suddenly, my friends kept on texting me regarding my confirmation for the trip. when i've said i cannot go, they were kind enough to adjust the plans in such a way that i will be able to join them. i just can't hate them. but on the back of my head, i wouldn't really enjoy it if it would only be two days of my off. since it is a 8-10 hour one-way road trip that we were talking about here. it means once i reach pagudpod, i will just have to soak myself like a duck in the sea then hit the road back to manila again. it would be quite pathetic isn't it? so, i still need to fix some things on my end for me to able to join them. i gave them a pending response until the actual date.

but last night, while thinking of what to do for the trip, my supervisor called me. she told me she was worried on how my work was going. she have noticed that i easily get irritated these past weeks that it is affecting my work as well as my relations to some fellow co-workers.

"i am in deep trouble," i said to myself.

she even warned me that the next time she catch me with a loose temper at work, she'll not hesitate to give me a citation.

"bring it on! i would really love that," i could feel the mixture of frustration started building arrogance in me. but obviously being professional, you shouldn't voice it out.

then suddenly, she began to inform me how she was impressed the first time she handled me. she even recalled how she talked to her senior supervisor when she heard that i was about to resign because of schedule disputes. she considered me as a lost goldmine for the company if they would accept my resignation. thus, they've compromised regarding my schedules. since it was the only thing that was messing up with my academic and social life that time. i accepted the offer.

on that moment, i felt a little guilt on me when she said these. how could i forget that? considering, it would probably the nicest thing a person from work have done for me (disclaimer: i am not anti-social).

moreover, she advised me to get a vacation because she is thinking that i am just burned out with work. now, she have opened it up. i immediately raised my concerns regarding the denied leaves i have filed. i told her my pagudpod plans and asked if there is any possibility that they could grant the succeeding day after my two day offs. she immediately accompanied me to our staffing department and approved it herself. the guilt in me grew bigger. but i could still see a smile on the side of my lips. i just can't thank her enough. on second thoughts, i now owe her a lot (hehehe).

while the financial constraints was easily settled. i just can't wait for this

coming weekend. here i come pagudpod.

huwatdapak chronicle1

the past weekend was spent in isolation with someone, at last. we have spent the entire two days in my room watching dvds, reading books, munching stacked food and many more (*wink*). it was only our third date, technically. so nothing much to anticipate (yet).

at first i thought we would not really go along well or so i thought.

so on the day we met up, it was twisted. you know that feeling of something might be wrong with you. so you need to give or portray this certain angst to hide the things you are insecure? i immediately felt that on our first "hi" and "hello". but eventually, as time goes by we were beginning to laugh our hearts out. in other words, the cliché fold of events began until we felt really comfortable with one another and decided to meet again.

well, its been a while since i have been into a relationship and i just realized several things.

first, don't be a TOO hopeless-romantic freak.
when you are single you tend to over rate the feeling of being in a relationship. thus, sometimes you get frustrated once you are already on it.

second, don't be an egoistic, self-centred, i-am-the-only-person-in-your-life-bebe! brat lover.
do not always expect things the way you want it to be. the world would not halt and watch the ups and downs of your love life. remember, there are two of you in the relationship and you have another person to consider.

third, not all love stories are your typical feel good movies.
do not always think that having one would mean happy moments and happy endings. because most of the time, you will noticed that there will be more arguments than 'kilig' moments.

fourth, refer not compare.
it should be a big 'no-no' to compare your relationship to others. especially if your going to compare it to love stories from books, tv series and films. you're love story is not fictionized nor fabricated. since no two persons are exactly the like, no two relationships will go, prosper or end exactly the same as well.you may refer other set ups or stories for you to be able to get some tips on how to either keep it going or throw it away. but never expect yours to fall or ought to fall on how the other story goes.

finally, just enjoy and go with the flow.
it is already self-explanatory. bow!

ang pangamba ng pag-iisa

ni nestor de guzman

paano sasagutin
ang pangamba ng iba
sa aking pag-iisa?
kung malalaman lang
ang di-lantad kong buhay.
nakalima nang asawa;
ngayo'y limang ulit nang separada.
di kabilang ang nakasintahan
nang kung ilang oras, araw, linggo.
sinamba na't kinahumalingan;
itinuring na ring basahan,
laruan, kasangkapan.
Naging maybahay, kalaguyo't puta.
Ilan nang giliw at muhi,
luwalhati't lumbay
ang isinilang at inaruga.
Kung nag-iisa man ngayon
ay dahil alam na,
at tanggap,
ang uubra't di uubra.
At di na kailangan ng isa
para maramdaman
ang kagandahan ng sarili,
ang kabuuan ng pagkatao,
ang kabuluhan ng buhay.
Kung malalaman lang
kung gaano kakulay
sa dilim at kasukalang nilandas
sa pag-unawa ng pag-iisa.
Ang mahalaga,
natutong magmahal,
nagmamahal ako
at magmamahal.
Ito ang katuturan,
kahit nag-iisa.


note:

that day, after finishing this book, i said loneliness( or being single) goodbye.

Galing Cine Cafe
Nestor De Guzman
Lambana Press, Quezon City

when i found myself in laguna for the first time just for a buko pie

one day, i craved for buko pie. so i went to laguna without any idea of where it was.
hehehe

the NGO debate: i never thought you could have these kind of conversation over sms

early this morning, i was conversing with a friend from los baños working at a local NGO there. i admire the fact that after graduation he decided to take a NGO work instead of going in manila to make a higher living. somehow, i find my envious and guilty of the fact that i wasn't able to pursue such noble profession.

before i entered college, it never came to me to work for a NGO. low salary, small office space, fieldwork among slum and remote areas, and bunch of paper works. but when i held my diploma after graduating i saw the other face of life. a different story i have never heard before, that was the time i opened myself to the possibility of working for a NGO. but (there is another but again) in a flick of chances, i pursued a different profession. a job your not that as proud to answer, everytime somebody from college would ask you, "san ka na? san ka na nagtratrabaho?"

that is why i admired this man for taking the profession atleast for himself and mostly for other. until this morning.

you: nwei, alis aq maya2x, bday clbration ng opism8 q, aq taya sa lumpia, un n dw treat q sa unang sweldo q sa foundation DUH

me: hahaha.kinonsider talaga ang salary sa celebration.hehe.

you: kainis nga e kakarampot na nga lang sweldo ko ineExpect p q mgpakain. buTi n lang patapos n contract q or bka d q n matapos

me: hehe.baka naman ayaw lang nila maleft out ka.

you: sus, d un ang nakikita q. ala tlaga clang kOnsiderasyon. gusto q nga mgrebeldE e.

me: hidni kaya, masyado ka lang pesimistic or better yet bitter sa mga trabaho nila?

you: bkt naman aq mgGng bitTer?pesimistic?i dont think s0.

me: ok. i stand back at my ground. sorry. well. i just find it nice to be invited. apleasure to cook for a friend on her birthday. kung marunong lang ako. don't you?

you: i find it as mandatory hndi invitation. hay naku, ewan q. bsta ang gusto q n lang mangyari e makaAlis n s foundation na yan.

me: well. atleast now i know.NGO is not that as fun and noble as i think it was then.

you: its a noble job kaya lang im nOt geTting d ryt benEfits dat i shud receive, ngaun n q nkKramdam ng frustrations.

me: what are your so-called'benefits" then? to compare to the people your helping sa NGO na yan?

you: erik, d k mfrustra8 qng sweldo m lang e 217 per day and freE lunch lng mqQHA m0?c0nsidrng dat u r a dEGREe holdER?

me: believe me, a good or atleast a stable salary won't make you happy and contented inside. this is coming from experience. your a degree holder right?! but the other thing is it came from UP. now, and coming from the proudest UP alumna i know. isn't that your claim quite ironic? sorry di kita kwinikwestiyon...im just making a point of a sudden realization.

you: i kn0w mejo lumhs n q s pRncpyo q dati, buT narealize q lng dn n unfair ung gngawa skin, nwei, mtatapos n contrct q at aAlis n q s knila, nid to find a new j0b.

me: isipin mo na lang unfair ang lahat sa buhay. kung lahat ay fair. narealize ko that is not life.

you: 0o nga. s0brang unfair.

me: U

you: ge

me: sarapan mo na lang ang pagluto para atleast kahit unfair ang buhay masarap pa in ang lumpia...

argh, how poetik, putik!!!

you:my choice b q, auq naman maphiya at malait luTo q..

me: everyone has a choice sabi nga ni sue richards kay silver surfer...ano daw???

you's contract in the foundation will end this month. but currently he is already travelling from los baños to makati to find job and work interviews. hopefully, he will still be able to finish his contract not for the NGO. but atleast, for the people he is helping with.

this week's guilty pleasure

i know, i have previously claimed that i really despise eating in fast food chains. but recently was an exception.

while, looking for a place to eat out along katipunan. i found jollibee as the closest i could be: considering my financial constraints, the food in the menu list, the people who hang out and mcdonalds, ofcourse. so i doubtedly entered the establishment and check for something to munch on.

"oh, there goes the manager."

but i thought of having something light.

"the atenista on the next table was too pale though."

my taste buds were requesting diversity, combinations and perfect mixture.

"the entire crew will be fine. but they were too busy entertaining customers"

but i didn't lose hope.

then suddenly, ALAS! i found one.

from that point, the usual hunger gradually turned into a severe addiction. i just realized that it together with a particular combo meal, were a perfect combination. it already became a part of my dining pleasure---three times a day and i just can't stop.

form that moment i knew, my dining pleasure will never be the same again. although the conscience and my built was beginning to stalk me, the appetite and the craving was too intense that at the end it was just total submission. i just can't resist.

the culprit???

beware: view (and taste) at your own risk

jollibee's macaroni salad solo

the paradox of yesterday

why can't i give any details? because it is already paradoxical.

get my point?!

the forgotten philanthroppist

once the greatest man ever lived in our town.

now, nobody knew him anymore.

a friend named andy

(out of an indirect request to write a friend his biography)

andy is a good friend of mine, way back in my college years. like most of my closest (college) friends, he was three years older than me. i met him when i joined a theater group in baguio. he was the incumbent secretary-general. he was silent, soft-spoken and very-introverted or so i thought. he paints and sketches very very well and i mean really really well. now can you see how good he is? huh? huh?
initially, the reason why i joined the group was because they are looking for visual artists. i find it a very good venue to still maximize my interest. since i was taking a course different from the field i am interested with. fortunately, i passed the audition and immediately transfered to the visual arts pool.
one day, when andy actually showed us one of his works. i felt really intimidated and eventually doubted why i am there. the brush and pen strokes of his pieces were in the verge of mere perfection. colors were distributed evenly and lively. shadings and other effects were jaw dropping because it was so realistic. basically, the totality of his works just made me sketch privately and away from his view.

nonetheless, i noticed despite this wonderful talent, he remained humble and away from most of the members. he never bothered talking to us. we merely know anything from him aside from his name, course and his position in the organization. most of the time, we could caught him day dreaming, alone and out of his senses. that was the point we realized, he was depressed.
we never exactly knew the reason why, even the old members would not tell us the cause. but like cats do it, our curiousity eventually lead us to those answers.

since he is my friend, i won't go further to any more details. its his story to tell. basically, he was dealing with a very traumatic experience for the very first time in his life during those days. it was not easy i am telling you and in a way i understood him.

after i knew it, the interaction were like those days when you wanted to initiate in offering your shoulder to someone in need. but you can't simply do it because you don't really know him, personally. mere understanding was not enough. sympathizing and empathizing were out of the question. and all you can actually do was to smile whenever you will cross each other's way. indirectly telling him, you are there to listen. just in case he wanted to.

on the following year, andy filed an honorable dismissal in the university and decided to pursue another course in the lowlands. i never heard anything from him again. one of his closest friend mentioned that, he is taking another course which i thought would be related in fine arts. but it actually was not.

from that point, i never heard anything from him again.

years passed and i finally graduated. i decided to go back to manila and pursue a so-called 'career' here.

because of a common (close) friend, we met again. on that point, he eventually told me what i wanted to know before, without even asking. it intensified the sleeping depression in me for him. but in a way, he made me feel that everything was all over. it was not easy because after those years after he left baguio, the same problem reoccured. harsher if i may say in his behalf. but luckily, he was able to surpass it with a great smile in his lips now. the scars will remain. but he was able to walk on and continue life with his new diploma and the same brushes, painting life with another sets of colors.

kudos to you andy.

realistic painting

for the rest of my restdays (which is the entire weekend), i really felt i was very productive. i was able to finish framing two of the artpieces. one of which was a portrait of a friend as a gift for her birthday. the other one was mine, a self portrait that i have sketched when i was still in college.
it was actually the first time, that i tried framing my works. i usually just store them on my sketch pads or on a folder and leave them there to rot. but since i needed something different and presentable to offer as a gift. i thought of framing it up and made a massive decoration on its border.
initially, i thought of sending it over to a framing shop, but i thought of the expenses that it would endure me. more or less around a thousand bucks was on my mind. so leaving my practical side to do the that thing for me. i went on the nearest national bookstore and bought one of those framed life quotations for 150 pesos. then jumbo size crayons.
when i arrived home, i was so eager in immediately doing what was on my mind. i disassembled the parts of the frame and then pull out the paper in it. i coated the white border with different colors as the first layer and then coat it again with black. after the entire border was already coated, i grabbed an inkless pen then make some etches that created a wonderful effect. it was actually thought to us when i was in kindergarten and called it etching.

it took me atleast two and half hours to finish my desired output. when it was done, i could just can't keep my eyes from staring it. i actually thought twice if i am going to give it or not. but since i have already gave my for it, i just simply can't keep it. so i have decide to create another one.
the next day, after finishing my groceries, i went to NBS in katipunan. i grabbed another set of glass frames, paint medium, couple of paint brushes, canvas and a new set of acrylic paints. i even grabbed a book of cris martinez titled, last order sa penguin. though it would be an entire different story.
anyhow, when i arrived home i immediately grabbed my sketchbook and tore the page of a self portrait laying in bed and holding a cigarette. on this piece, it took me almost four hours because of too many details i have to put in. thinking it would make it more aesthetically pleasing. but it turn out wrong. i think i have over articulated it.
i sighed.
when i was done framing both of my art pieces, i am stucked at staring on my own reflection over the glass frames. overlooking the art works, i over-ratedly saw myself changing profession. a profession i would love doing: no constraints, no deadlines, no need of counting how many hours more to stay in the office and especially no boss.
i wanted to be an artist. a matter of, needing to be one and not only mere wanting it. but the optimism on me that was once overflowing within my veins were beginning to fade away and become pure pessismisms poisoning my personality. i thought of the salary i am going to get, the expenses that i am due for, the lifestyle i have become, significant people i need to help with and many others. these immensely became a hole in me that i began doubting my own capabilities.

in life, it is very easy to be idealistic: to fight for what you need and want: to be able to enjoy life and achieve your dreams. but don't forget, in life as well, not everything comes the way you want it to be. the world will never revolve on you alone. while time will never wait nor compromise for your sake. because aside from you, life has billions of other people to worry and think about. probably that is why we have the word 'realistic' on our vocabulary.