confession of a male concubine

i dont know how long we have been lying down that time. all i could remember was the gentle rhythm of your snore and how i patiently followed the shadows in your wall.

i dont know if i have ever told you how i love looking at your window. amazed on how competing sky-rises have missed blocking such a rare urban sight from the inner view of your room: a moon set.

always finding a certain feeling of loneliness when the shadows have finally disappeared. its time for me to go back home.

i recalled the conversations we had last night after i asked you if feelings bother someone alike when it comes to sex.

you answered. it will be stupid for someone to equate sex with love. you have sex just to answer an urge. you fall in love to build something way more lasting, something more secured (i silently laughed at the last word).

i became silent. the answer could definitely put any hoping soul to their respective places and from their i already knew my part.

i pulled my pants up. hoping it will hold without my missing belt on. but it could only last for the next 12 steps before i have to pull it up again.

a close friend once told me how annoying i could be when i start talking and thinking about life's technicalities. its funny that i have thought of this while asking myself why shoes are designed to fit a specific side of the feet while socks don't.

if one should not equate sex to love, then why are there people who question love just because of sex?


its interesting how people paradoxically put confusing weight on the topic of sex and love. some will say its situational and practical while some say its selfish.

but if someone had sex with another other than his/her partner would that mean s/he doesn't love his partner anymore?

is relationship and fidelity exclusively anchored by sex, by love, by both or by something we always deny to matter?

our social contracts have told us that this is how it should be while the rest of our consciousness would clamor it should have been another way around.

before i could finally close the door, i took one last glimpse at you. your body at your side, pushing your legs to your center, hugging and looking for that warmth. honestly, i always liked this part; for this is the only time you are vulnerable. the only time i can be the one who leaves you behind.

i just hope that later, by the time the one who truly owns that bed space returns, s/he will feel my warmth on those sheets as it hugs across your body. just at the very least, s/he knows that i exist.

child play: masbate, dangerously beautiful

i looked at my ticket again and read 5:15 AM.

it was already 3:45 AM,and without any sleep, i have decided to go straight to the domestic airport from tomas morato, after having countless bottles of beer (again) with my bedan blockmates. i have been officially baptized as the "ultimate kaladkarin" of the group

i flipped the next page and read another name printed on it. my supervisor instructed me to wait for this guy at the airport and he will introduce himself there.

when i arrived it was already 4:10 AM, and no familiar face was on sight. i tried to contact him and a man with a deep voice answered the phone, apologizing tremendously for being late.

he arrived right after the last call. i already failed to profile him for we immediately rushed towards the check in counter. the clerk told us that we were just in time, the gate was about to be closed. we only had the chance to talk when we were boarding, he introduced himself as M. he also works for the same company as i am but in a different department. he also seldom goes to the office, no wonder he is not familiar.

it actually took me a while before i was able to ask him what will his role be in our current task. he smiled and looked at me.

"i will be your BG," he answered.

i caught myself really surprised. it was actually the first time that i will have my own BG, at least for this project.

he explained that the area is relatively risky for someone like me. though i know how to speak the language, it is still not enough to handle unexpected situations. right that very moment, i already thought of enrolling myself in a martial art class.

***

we arrived in masbate at exactly 6:30 in the morning. we went straight to the hotel we are staying, reviewed my itinerary and proceeded with all the necessary retrievals required.

masbate is a province in between the island of luzon and visayas. but it doesn't have any hints that it is detached from the main land luzon for almost all familiar establishments are present there. it almost reminded me of my dad's hometown, sorsogon, that also made me realize that my ancestors are actually rooted in the island of ticao, another island of the territory of masbate.

i called my dad and informed him that im in masbate. but i never thought that ill be more surprised than him. for the first time, he was really concerned. for the place has a reputation (whatever that means).

then M told me that aside from its beautiful beaches, masbate is quite famous for its insurgencies and numerous ambush attacks. but i was never bothered since our intentions were not something political and besides, the conotation for the leftist groups has never been an issue with me. i know these are just one of those black propagandas.

***

we went to the centro to take a ride going to our area. there, we were given an option to either take the tricycle or habal-habal, (a trip, where 3-5 people are forced to fit on a single motorcyle). of course, i took the tricycle ride for i know it will be bumpy and dusty; and with the equipment i am carrying, falling from a moving vehicle down to a rocky road is the least thing i want to happen.

on our way to the area, i saw a number of passing habal-habal, that made me realize that it is really the most popular and cheap mode of transportation in the area. it costs around Php10 per person while the tricycle can soar 'til Php50, but what really got my attention were the mini buses.

its your typical provincial mini buses, where most passengers are outside the vehicle. there are even kids on top of each. actually, i was a bit intrigued with them. for aside from being only around 8-12 years old, without any adult supervision, each of them were also holding long and dark pellet gun and shot guns. cut soda bottles, attached with a piece of string, wrapped around their heads, covering their faces. their movements could tell me that they were aggresively and anxiously waiting for something or someone.

then i noticed another set of kids that were standing along the bumpy and dusty road, also holding pellet guns. in an instant, they were swiftly clicking their guns and firing at each other. a good ten shots flew at both parties. when the mini bus made a good distance, each party posed a series of aggresive poses, insulting each other, as of resembling to the cracking dance.and the same scene continued as we drove along.

but what made it more surprising, was that no adult riding the bus, reacted nor opposed of what happened. it was as if nothing really happened. and during my entire stay, as i go back and forth to the area, the exact scene repeated over and over again.

somehow, it made me remember the film, cicade de dios or city god.

then i realized, if this is the kind of child play, someone has been exposed to while growing up, no wonder the place has already enveloped a negative reputation.

in such setting, ambush or any violent attack, regardless of how irrelevant they maybe, will eventually be deemed legitimate or ordinary by such society.

ironically that night, we attended a town fiesta activity, i clearly remembered one of the lines the provincial education superintended said in his speech. he describes masbate as dangerously beautiful.

please be reminded that i do not intend to write this entry to throw bad words against the province. i just want to point out an event that seems to be invisible to the locals. i am not questioning any morals nor traditions. perhaps, i am just trying to send an inquiry across, expecting an opinion back.

***

another surprising scene in the province were the kalboys.

or kalyeng baboys (akala niyo ha?!).

unlike the domesticated pigs i used to see from the places i have been. the kalboys in masbate are free to wander around the perimeter of its owner. it runs with the dogs, whenever their master call and feed them. they chase each other and sniff things new to them.

i can just imagine how manila or other nearby provinces will look like if such treatment to pigs is enacted. vegans will definitely rule!

***

relatively, there is no night life in masbate. so i decided to just stay in my hotel and think of anything else to do. but i failed. the day was so boring for me, that it lived with the province name, literally. hahaha! kiddin!

paano pa kaya sa trip ko sa panay??? hahaha!

***

after masbate, we rode a fast craft going to sorsogon then legazpi city!

despite numerous times, i have seen mayon, it still never fails to awe me. its even more breathtaking if you'll look at it above.

nung highschool ako at wala pang jolibee sa aming baryo, sikat ka na kapag kumakain ka dito--- sa quick n' hearty. hahaha!

Are Philippine Gay Indie Films Really Liberating?

*thought of being academic today. hehehe

Many will agree that homosexuality is as old as human history. Nonetheless, societal acceptance is still yet to be fully achieved. Homosexuals are still considered taboo and social deviants, liable for social discrimination and punishment in many cultures. But through modernity, that made the flow of information seemed borderless and endless, there were various attempts, hundreds or even thousands if I may say, that made the reclaiming of the so-called homosexual space in the society, which is basically, not mere tolerance but more of acceptance, possible. And the power of film has been considered as one of the most effective tools in sending over the message of acceptance in both the homosexual and heterosexual communities.

Gay films or gay cinema are theatrical films that deal with or feature important gay, lesbian or bisexual characters or issues and may have same sex romance or relationships as an important plot device.

Gay films are not something new in Philippine Cinema. In fact, as early as the 1950s, Filipino moviegoers are already familiar and patronizing gay-themed movies. Perhaps, the two most popular Filipino actors under this genre would be Dolphy and Roderick Paulate.

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Dolphy, who is considered as one, or if not, the most popular Filipino actor, have successfully portrayed various gay roles in the history of Philippine Cinema, considering the conservatism of his time. He have done a number of gay films which include: Jack en Jill (1954), Susanang Daldal (1962), Pepe en Pilar (1966), Kangkarot (1969), Facifica Falayfay (1969), Karioka Etchos de America (1971), Fefita Fofonggay viuda de Falayfay (1973), Sarhento Fofonggay (1974), Jack ‘n Jill of the Third Kind (1979), Ang Tatay kong Nanay (1978), Darna, Kuno? (1979) and Markova Comfort Gay (2000).

He is later succeeded by Roderick Paulate, who also starred in a surprising number of well-acclaimed gay films such as Charot (1984), Hee Man, Master of None (1984), Inday Bote (1985), Praybet Depektib Akademi (1986), Inday Inday sa Balitaw (1986), Ako si Kiko, Ako si Kikay (1987), Binibining Tsuper-Man (1987), Jack En Poy, Hale-Hale Hoy (1987), Mga Anak ni Facifica Falayfay (1987), Kumander Gringa (1987), Leroy Leroy SInta (1988), Me & Ninja Liit (1988), Petrang Kabayo at ang Pilyang Kuting (1988), Penoy… Balut (1988), Gorio en Tekla (1989), and Bala at Lipstick (1994).

Although the introduction of the gay man’s roles in Philippine cinema, among those of Dolphy’s and Roderick Paulate’s movies could be considered as important and pivotal points in introducing homosexuality in the traditional and conservative Philippines, it could not be denied that their movies were more of a tragedy despite its comic entry. Because of such movies, Filipino gay men were not well presented. It is prevalent during those times, that gay men were stereotyped as loud screamers, ridiculously effeminate, absurd speaking and colorful cross dressers (transvestism). Incidentally, the gay movie characters were stagnated in comedy films and never developed. Thus, it was inevitable for Filipinos, specifically movie goers, to imprison and stereotype gay men as subject of laughing stocks and targets of ridicule, just some of the reasons why gay men then hid their true identities inside the closets for fear of discrimination.

But during the 1990s, there were several attempts in changing the single image of the Filipino gay man, being the screaming, effeminate and cross dressers, which are typically associated with the so-called parlorista gays to various images. But this shift did happen gradually. A number of efforts in searching and establishing the multiplicity of gay men’s images in the Philippines was made and the films Sibak: Midnight Dancers (1994) and Miguel/Michelle (1994) were among those that introduced some terms such as transexuality and transgender. Subsequently, another image of the Filipino gay man was formed, one which was almost similar to heterosexual men. In the films like Ang Lalaki sa Buhay ni Selya (1997), Pusong Mamon (1998) and Paraiso ni Efren (1999), gay characters or roles were no longer generally depicted under the stereotyped image of parlorista, rather their looks, behaviors and actions shown were almost synonymous to a typical heterosexual man. From these, a larger amount of male homosexuals was able to relate and associate themselves toward these characters, especially among urban areas in the country, making it easier to come out.

On the other hand, during this period as well, most gay-themed films were chained within the boundaries of commercial sex. In other words, gays were then associated and stereotyped again differently with buying love and/or sex from heterosexual men among gay bars and other establishments. Such issues were prevalent in the movies Sibak: Midnight Dancer (1994) and Burlesk King (1999), which basically followed the tradition of Lino Brocka’s Macho Dancer (1998).

New millennium came and another genre created a trend in the course of Philippine Cinema, Independent or popularly known as Indie Films. Indie films started surprising and reopening Filipino moviegoers with more daring and challenging issues such as poverty and social deviances. Issues that the popular or mainstream cinema often or would hesitant to tackle, one of which is gay issues.

Perhaps, some of the first and most successful gay indie films were Cris Pablo’s popular works, which would include Duda/Doubt (2003), Bilog (2005), Bathhouse (2005) and Moreno (2007). Here, Pablo had successfully changed the image of gay men away from the stereotyped parlorista as depicted by Dolphy and Roderick Paulate in their movies and the commercial gay roles of the 90s. He introduced a diverse and deeper sense of relationships among gay men and also started revealing the various establishments most homosexuals engage into, in order to realize their individualities and needs. He highlighted the presence of gay cinema houses, bath houses/spas, bars and the use of various modern devices such as the Internet, where gay men could actually meet and actualize their sexualities, without monetary reciprocation.

Eventually, this triggered a surprising wave of indie films makers to follow. Brillante Mendoza (Masahista, 2005), Adolfo Alix Jr. (Day Break, 2008), Paolo Villanueva (Selda, 2007), Joselito Altajeros and Lex Bonifed (Lalaki sa Parola, 2007; Kambyo, 2008; Lihim ni Antonio, 2008; and Little Boy, Big Boy, 2009), to name a few. Aside from various international film festival recognitions and awards, gay indie films also gained a wide audience from both heterosexual and homosexual viewers. These made mainstream film makers and producers to see a viable market among gay themed films. Thus, commercial film invasion and the redefinition of gay indie film were expected to follow.

Commercialization brought and highlighted several issues among gay indie films. First, the bastardization of the male body as the primary vehicle in selling the movie, instead of the body as a crucial subject in exploring one’s sexuality and identity. Second, reducing the image of gay men to mere sexual subjects and its effect in attaining societal or national acceptance. And lastly, its effects to gay indie film in terms of its aesthetical production.

Although sexual images or scenes were also present among earlier gay indie films, it could not be denied that due to the uncertainty of possible viewership during that time, gaining profit was still not the main purpose of producing these films. Rather, it could be viewed that such images and scenes were important elements in the movie to highlight how repression pushes individuals to look for other means and devices to satisfy their needs and identities in an environment where their sexuality are considered as taboo and immoral. In other words, a homosexual is believed to be alienated with his/her body because of various external or social repressions.

Nonetheless, due to emergence of an alarming number of gay indie films that rampantly focuses on scenes of men having sex with each other, the story and the intentions of it become suspicious. Most gay indiefilms could already be considered as mere pornography, hiding underneath the cloak of an art or an indie film just to sell. In effect, it is possible that a society will view gay men, basing from how films depict gay realities, as mere sexual objects, slaves to their own desires and not entitled with acceptances.

Many believe that the main reason of homophobia is anchored upon the irrational fear of heterosexuals that homosexuals will sexually attack them. Thus, if gay indie films will keep on producing sexually themed rather than gay themed films, acceptance and the elimination of homophobia will never be actualized.

But not all gay indie films suffered from these loopholes. In 2005, Auraeus Solito released Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros, that gave moviegoers a breath of fresh air against the rampant and tiring sex and flesh ordeal present in most gay indie films. He depicted the naiveness and ignorance of a young gay boy in understanding and accepting his sexuality, despite the corrupting poverty surrounding him. The movie also transgressed over the homosexual picture by immersing in the lives of the heterosexual characters in the movie. It redefined the concept of machismo by putting three very manly

characters, Maximo’s father and brothers, in the plot to be accepting and protective over Maxi, a rare picture in a patriarchal family. Nonetheless, the film didn’t make Maxi as weak and ever dependent to other people. In fact, as the film rolled, one will realize that the supporting actors were actually the ones who were dependent on him and not the other way around, an interesting twist every gay indie film should atleast have and/or should be.

As one of my professors used to say, “Set the stakes higher.” If Filipino gay indie filmmakers want to make and keep the genre rolling, one should not stagnate himself from the superficial call of his/her market and to the fed up “titillating” sex scenes. S/he has to continue enriching the genre by devising and thinking “fresher” means, strategies and stories that would keep its flame burning, that would offer various tastes to the unending crave of moviegoers. And above all, a gay indie film maker should always consider bringing it back to his characters, the gay men, by creating films that would make people understand and accept; and not just to satisfy their petty sexual pleasures.

*special thanks to coach. hahaha!

three way relationship: hindi lang basta orgy

"sana dalawa ang puso ko...

di na sana kailangan pa'ng pumili sa inyo."

lumaki ako na pinakikinggan ang kantang ito ni ogie alcasid. at madalas ito din ang kinakanta ko kapag may family reunion kami. siyempre P100 muna mula sa mga tito at tita, before i sing. oo, bata pa lang ako businessminded at performer na ako sa ibabaw ng dining table namin. ngayon, sa ibang ibabaw na ako nagpeperform--- 'di biro lang.

siyempre, napakainosente ko pa noon, pagdating sa mga bagay na ganito. saka na lang nung nagpatuli ako at pwede nang makabuntis, nang unti-unting kong naintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng kanta. sabayan ba naman ng broken heartedness from your first puppy love at pag intindi sa pagkakomplikado ng pag-ibig habang kinakamot ang tumutubong pubic hair, bingi't bato ka na lang kung hindi pa ito ang all time favorite song mo.

sa pagiging masyadong imaginative, eksplorative at experimental ng mga tao, hindi na malayong magkaroon ng ganitong klaseng relasyon: kung meron ngang tao sa hayop, fucking doll, puno, uod, alupihan, alakdan, buto ng chessa (na mukhang tae kapag nasagasaan) at kung anu-ano pa, hindi na malayo kung sa multiple partners. ika nga nila, the more, the merrier.

pero merrier nga ba talaga? posible bang may tatlong tao ang mahal ang isa't isa ng sabay-sabay? at kung ganun nga ba talaga kadali iyon? naisip ko, mahirap na nga ang magmahal ng isang tao, papaano pa kaya kung dalawa? multi-tasking pa.

sa panahon ngayon, wala na atang imposible. pero meron pa ding mga tinatawag na mga anak ng diyos.

doon ko biglang naalala si abdel, isang kaklaseng muslim nung college. pero iba naman ang kaso niya, dahil may dalawa siyang asawa at pareho nilang mahal siya. kunbaga, dalawang babae na nagmamahal sa iisang lalaki.

please, don't be confuse. dahil hindi yun ang tinutumbok ko, naalala ko lang kaya ko nakwento. ang punto ko ay kung pwede bang may tatlong tao, na nagmamahalan ng sabay-sabay. yung tipong mahal ni A si B, mahal din ni B si C at mahal din ni C si A.

UNLESS...

bisexual ang dalawang asawa ni abdel. tsktsk! siya pala ang AN ultimate anak ng diyos. kaya naman pala hindi tumaba-taba ang kaibigan kong iyon.

hanggang isang araw, halos pumalakpak ang wepaks ng kaibigan ko habang binabalita sa akin na taken na daw siya. finally, akala na kasi namin kelangan pa namin hintayin ang muling pagbabalik ng mga dinosaurs sa mundo bago ulit madiligan ang tigang at bumibitak-bitak ng lupa ng san fernando, pampanga.

dahil matagal-tagal nawalan ng booking ang aking kaibigan, hindi naging madali para sa kanya ang muling bumalik sa commitment track. wala din kasing fireworks at MGA tingkerbells nang huli siyang nakipaghiwalay sa kanyang dating karelasyon. hindi din naman naging madugo o bayolente. bagkus, napuno lang siya ng mga floating bubbles sa kanyang paligid. yung tipong kung kelan amaze na amaze na siya at parang lumilipad na sa gaan, biglang isa-isa na lang silang pumutok at biglang naglah ang mga iyono. hindi man lamang niya napaghandaan ni hindi man lamang siya nakapagpaalam.

to make the story short, naging masyadong cautious si friend sa kanyang current relationship, to the point na prini-empt o inunahan na niya ang tadhana. nag offer siya ng suggestion o opinion sa kanyang karelasyon dahil sa takot na baka masaktan muli for the Nth time.

ano ang sinuggest ni friend?

tama! natumbok mo!

pinili niyang maging alagad ng simbahan.

di joke lang!

sinuggest niya ang isang open relationship na set up. buti na lang hindi bumula ang bibig ng karelasyon nang sinabi niya iyon.

ang punto marahil ni friend, at least sa ganitong set up, kahit makipagkita man ang karelasyon niya sa iba, hindi ganoon kasakit dahil at least napaghandaan mo na ang sarili mo na pwede itong mangyari. jerjer all you want basta at the end of the day, alam mo kung kanino ka uuwi.

pero ang hindi alam ni friend, taliwas dito ang iniisip ng karelasyon niya. ang dating sa karelasyon, hindi seryoso ang kaibigan ko, na naisip niyang pumasok sa ganitong anyo upang majustify ang kati-kiri ni friend, na sa katotohonan naman ay mas mayumi pa sa mga mongha ng sta.clara.

tumbling-split ang dalawa. buti na lang at nagkapaliwanagan.

sabi ko na lang, it takes so much maturity for someone to put themselves in such relationship, na hindi naman din base sa edad. it takes a lot of experience to fully understand and equip yourself with it. tipong, you can't harvest anything without cultivating it first. considering nagsisimula pa lang sila. dagdag ko pa, just seize the moment, ienjoy niyo lang kung anong meron kayo. don't expect so you won't get frustrated and love as if you're falling inlove for the first time again. and above all, yes, mahilig din ako sa mga cheesy romantic movies.

kinabukasan, mineet ko si odin at blackrabbit sa GJ na hinihintay si john lloyd. habang naghihintay sa pag ibig na animoy hindi darating, binigyan nila ako ng ideya para may masulat. bigla ko tuloy naisip ang isang weird at crazy idea, siguro dala na din ng isang linggong deprivation sa porn at kelangan ko na din isipin ang sarili kong lupain sa sorsogon.

what if both of them fell inlove with the same person at the same time. and this person happen to love them too, at the same time. andami pong love at time, ano po?

pero paano nga? is it possible? sa hinaba-haba ng post na ito, ngayon ko lang sasagutin ang tanong ko kanina.

cliche man, love is the most abstract thing in the world and being abstract it is not constraint with just two persons alone. hindi man ito ang inaasahan o pinapangarap ng marami sa atin bilang ang kanilang love story, posible pa din mangyari ito sa atin. dahil wala din naman kahit isa sa atin ang magsasabing nagkatotoo ang pinapangarap nilang lovestory, exactly as they want them to be.

oo, hindi ito madali. napakahirap nito kaya madalas nasasabi nating imposible. subalit naisip ko, na minsan marami din sa atin ang nagsabing imposible na darating ang panahon na magkakaroon ng same-sex relationship at marriage, na imposibleng magbuntis ang lalaki, na pumuti ang uwak, na magkaroon ng baklang alimango at na bibilhin ang tubig at hangin.

sa panahon ngayon o maging sa hinaharap, wala na halos imposible. at sa ganitong klaseng relasyon basta handa ang bawat karakter ng may bukas na pananaw, aware at rinerespeto ang pangangailangan ng bawat isa, tingin ko posible siyang mangyari.

katunayan, meron na ding mga taong pumapaloob dito. malay mo yang katabi mo, isa sa mga kaibigan, nakasalubong mo kanina sa daan o maging kamag anak.

hindi mo lang alam.

nagbabago ang lahat ng bagay, maging ang emosyon at relasyon nag-eevolve din kasabay ng ating sariling mga pagbabago. siguro ang importante lang, maging mapagpamatiyag tayo, maging bukas at magkaroon ng respeto para dito dahil malay mo, sa iyo pa pala pwedeng mangyari ito.

***pictures taken from the movies, shortbus and wildside.

jumping dresses over hot heads

come to think of it, we came from the same school of thought, social sciences. you are in psychology, while i am in social anthropology.

source

although we (should) know, how "glamorous and empowering" these fields are, considering we are able to explain and observe human behaviors and interactions, we are still bound to its flaws and shortcomings. thus, we should not put ourselves above the rest. for regardless how predictable and general human behaviors can be, we still cannot limit them on certain categories and underestimate how human mind works.

no wonder we don't have laws and just rely on theories, and these theories are never constant either. they evolve, give birth to another and will never stop until they become a law--- until absolute truth is reach (which i believe is still a long way to go).

for you, crossdressing and transgender are abnormalities. while for me, it is a matter of preferrence. basically, what i am just driving at is the moment you tag them as abnormalities or disorders, you are already implying that they are atleast a disease, contagious or genetics and curable or controlable.

but, in my perspective, it is a preference. cross-dressers and transgenders are like that because they chose to be one, reared by their personal and social environments and not by certain gay genes or hormones.
although, most would argue that hormonal stimuli are still factors to be considered, it could still not be denied that such identity is brought about more by their own personal decision.

source

then, you raised that it is scientific, that through psychiatry and its empirical means, psychology or atleast you have established that such cases are indeed abnormalities and disorders.

but history have already decided this, through the 1973 convention by the American Psychiatric Association, where they have already removed homosexuality as a mental disorder and not universally viewed as a pathology.

if these are still not enough, then lets just simplify things for the benefit of you and to those who are not in related to our field. perhaps, you are starting to tag me as know-it-all again.

but you have said it yourself, whenever you attend mass. it annoys you how much the church could be judgmental and discriminatory to homosexuals. but how is this different from your standpoint?

source

following the analogy, if church views it as evil, while psychology deemed it as an abnormality, would it also be the same if we say that while bible condemned it as a sin, psychology books identify it as a disorder?
i (will) never impose my standpoint into to you or anyone vis-a-vis the discpline i belong, and neither tell you that you should drop yours to give way to mine. for me, this was suppose to be a healthy arguement regarding interdisciplinary views to homosexuality, but the moment, you called me, "makitid ang utak," that was beyond my patience to endure.

i tried being as objective as i can be, like most of the arguement i had been. but you were the one who pushed me to my subjectivities. i am sorry, if i called you names. i am sorry, if i wasn't able to meet your expectations. and i am sorry, if i can't change myself and my opinions just for you.
let's just drop this off.

* ewik in his pa-intellectual tampuhan blues.
** no, this doesn't happen often. i can still make tampo because of lovelife, sexlife or even with the kikay earings that you are wearing-- and see i can also be konyo! (probably, joaqui is now laughing and enjoying this!)
*** and above all, no i am not a crossdresser or transgender, not because i find something wrong about it. or do you also want to have a piece of my pa-intellectual tampuhan blues?

**** this isn't funny, dabo, don't laugh?! hahaha.

faghog virus: another unforeseen pandemia

when everyone keeps on contemplating how it feels to love someone who cannot love you back, cheryl on the other hand, is actually thinking the same thing but with a different baggage. 

she is fond of loving guys who cannot love her back simply because they share the same preference. but despite this, cheryl is optimistic. most of the time, she continues seeing and/or loving them thinking of two reasons: first, that is if she continued being with them, they will atleast end up being friends and her feelings toward them will fade: or second, she will be able to convince them to go "back" to the other table and end up on her side. 

when cheryl and i first met, she was the kind of person that knows what she wants and does everything to get it. she has a very assertive personality that she would not have second thoughts in saying what she feels straight to your face. at first, i felt quite intimidated by her. but when she began dropping her wall and opened herself (not figuratively), i saw her vulnerable side.

cheryl confesses that she is a proud faghog, straight people that hog opposite sex gay people for themselves, and its not the first time she fell for a gay man. she explains that she easily get attracted with them because they are more sensitive, emotional, has a better sense of humor and sweeter than most of the straight men she have met and dated. 

moreover, she had a number of incindents where she confessed her feelings to them. but none of these incidents came to her side--- until she met Jerome.

Cheryl and Jerome are officemates. they easily got along since they were assigned in the same department at work. they would smoke together, share lunch and almost inseparable. and as expected, Cheryl found herself falling inlove to him. until one night, Jerome asked for Cheryl's shoulders because of a problem that was starting to affect his life and their work. he confessed that he was gay and nursing a broken heart, after his partner left abroad and told him he doesn't believe in long distance relationships. 

Cheryl was rattled with the realization that she fell for another again. but this didn't shake her ground. she pursued and later on confess her feelings to him, which didn't take the two of them to end up together. 

call it rebound but who cares! cheryl exclaimed as she was telling the story.

for her, loving is a risk and like most hopeless romantics, she believes that love knows no boundaries, faces nor gender. and although loving is not learned, atleast its worth giving a shot. thus, she or they pursued. 

until one day, which happened to be a week ago, she contacted me and asked me to meet her up for dinner. there she confessed, that after three months of going steady with Jerome, she found out that he was actually seeing another guy behind her back. she never confronted Jerome about it and for the first time in her life, she lost all her guts to tell what she feels to someone. she felt scared because of the possible outcome of breaking up and her hesitation left her so helpless. 

i really felt bad for cheryl. but in a way, i don't know who to blame. if its her because of her persistency in pursuing someone who she knows in the beginning is gay or Jerome for entering into a relationship that is beyond the boundary of his true preference and not keeping up to that committment he made.

knowing cheryl, i didn't say a word or any advise to her because i am confident enough that she knows what i am going to say. i realized that whenever she has problems all she just needs is to someone to hear her rants and someone who she can vent out her frustrations and problems. 

she texted me again earlier and it was inevitable for me to ask how they were? she told me she will still keep the relationship and ignore first what she found out. she really wanted it to work. thus, she is willing to adjust and hopefully through time, Jerome will realize her worth. 

i really don't have any qualms about it. but my only concern is how this relationship will end up. indeed, cheryl is not throwing stones to the moon and such relationships do exist. but there are just cases from which a person just needs to respect another's preference, in order for them to work harmoniously. 

perhaps, i could never understand how this kind of set up works because to begin with, i am not the person who is investing emotions here. i just hope that wherever this relationship leads, cheryl will be able to enjoy the true happiness she deserves.

the struggle: from top to bottom and everything else in the middle

many would argue that men are innately driven for power. they struggle for a position that would be above than the rest of his fellow. he seeks power to influence other, wealth to provide his material decandence and fame to satisfy his ego.politics is personal and personal is politics, as my activist friends used to say. no person can actually claim that they are apolitical because in everything that we do, politics is involve. the way we are designated in the dining table, how we ride the mrt and even in having sex.

earlier, my attention was caught, as usual, by mugen's post entitled the catcher. it dwelled upon the story of his friend who was thinking about giving up his ass to his partner. but the thing was both of them were top.
the first time, i encountered the term top, was during the time dianne and i were doing our thesis in college. i must admit, i was surprised when i first heard it from our respondents. there was this spark that triggered the interest in me, as if an itch craving to be understood.

kenchie and joar are partners for almost 3 years during that time. kenchie is a frat man taking up engineering. while joar was a former nursing students, who stowed away from home in isabela after his family knew about his sexuality. the former is couple of years younger than the latter. and thanks to a local internet chatting room in baguio, they met.

at first look, you'll say that both of them could probably good friends. i even mistook them as ordinary customers when i entered the internet cafe, where i was told by dianne to meet them. after introducing myself and the purpose of my interview, i was surprise, when they started the interview in the middle of the place.

"whats with the shock? we haven't told you anything yet," kenchie asked me.

"aren't we going somewhere more silent and discreet? i am just concern because most of the questions i have our quite personal."

"don't worry. most of the patrons here are our friends and also chatters, so its okay," joar answered.

"excuse me for being such an amature researcher," i said to myself. so we proceeded.

in the start, i felt that the interviewer was more uncomfortable than the interviewees. but later on, the discomfort subsided and found myself throwing questions spontaneously. it was indeed an enlightening one. i realized that conversations with strangers are probably one of the most unforgetful and meaningful talk one will ever have in his/her lifetime.

then we finally reached the issue of sex. i decided not to prepare any questions for it to avoid personal intrusions. i thought of just letting them talk and probably pick up random questions from there. after a while, kenchie introduced himself as the top while joar as the bottom. then joar immediately reacted that he is versatile. kenchie laughed. i told them i am completely clueless. then they both laughed. i even heard a couple of other customers giggled at my back. the discomfort returned. i just hate that feeling that everybody knows something except me.

fortunately, joar was kind enough to explain what top, bottom and versatile mean. based from him, the top portrays the male part on the intercourse. bottom as the female counterpart. while versatile can do both. then everything made sense. so they continued.

while kenchie was talking, i then recalled on how joar reacted when he was introduced as the bottom. i immediately felt the stigma and connotation of the word to him. it was the exact same feeling from the other set of respondents i met, prior to them. the first insisted he was bisexual than gay. while the other claims he is gay than "bakla". while some also claimed that they are straight who are just curious and looking for good time. i never realized the plurality and complexities of such terms until i decided to do that research. as if every character and letter of the word signifies meanings that could either defend or destroy one.

from there, my interest began to widen. as if our topic gave birth from one thing to another: from stereotypes, to homophobia, to virtual sanctuaries, to internal homophobia and to this, power struggles among gay partners.

it is interesting to note that even among gay homosexuals, the image of the man is still seen as above from the rest, that it is favorable, advantageous and powerful than those who possesses or even at the very least just portrays the "role" and the characteristics of a woman, that on this view is seen as weak, vulnerable and exploitable.

having this in mind, while i am writing this, i wondered, is it possible for patriarchy to evolve to another form from the one we use to know? if this is true, then is it also posible that what homosexuals are experiencing now are just the tip of the discrimination that is ahead of them? or is it more hurtful than being discriminated by fellow homosexual?

i may not be perfectly aware of this or probably i am just over analyzing things again. but if there is one thing that i am sure of, that is the fact that labels and roles don't justify what a person is. for a person is ought to define him/herself alone.

***
a couple of hours later after reading mugen's post, i sent him a message regarding it. then he replied with a simple line, its all about power struggle, wiwik.

then i finally realized that he has a point and that we were actually coming from two entirely different perspectives. when i was thinking too much about the bigger arena, he was actually coming from a smaller and more intimate space.

it is given that man seeks power over to his fellow. but the theory overturns when love enters the equation. if a person indeed loves someone, regardless of preference, s/he is "willing" to sacrfice his/her position despite of the doubt and possible hurt ahead. simply because s/he is loving---

and this basically, what makes love special.

***
probably, the summer heat is already draining all my emoness dry and i need some refilling again. hahaha!
and no, dabo, yours is an exception. you have a immeasurable source of it, for you are thy the perpetual and ever-immaculate one. peace out!

can you blame them? chronicle: response

respect begets respect.
i always believe in the goodness of men. though as much i want other people to think that way, sometimes i just can't help myself from feeling bad whenever one feels the contrary to his fellow. after posting my former entry, i was bombarded with so many thoughts while i was reading the comments. so i have figured that instead of posting a response, i thought of writing an entry instead.
sin is defined by our morals. nonetheless, morals are not absolute. even the church claims that it committed and can still commit mistakes (ie. burning of witches, heretics etc). although, i cannot completely say that the church is commiting another one again. i just find it hard to accept an institution such as it to condemn those who find love to another. isn't love the root of what they are trying to propagate?
but of course, everything that comes in excess is the root of the otherwise. but who can blame them? if a society deprives them the right to love who they want to, can we blame them to counter that society that would not accept them in the first place. thus, the sin we prevent emerges. one should understand that the sin we are trying to avoid is not the act itself rather is the result of such act. and the outcome is also contributed by other societal factors such as inacceptance, repression, discrimination etc. etc.
these are not simply acts that homosexuals do out of their whims. they are also any human beings who are in search for that someone that will actualize the purpose/s of their lives: to be happy, to love and be loved. but at the end, most of them fail, more because of lack of support and acceptance and the absence of venue and right. and just like any other individual they also feel hurt.now, tell me again, can we blame them?

the nature of my work environment

in a work place that is dominated by sexists and chauvanists, i admit that, aside from the fact that i don't like my work, it also makes my feet heavier to drag to the office. probably, in such profession that is predominantly for men, it is quite hard for me to look for a circle where i could talk things like these that i post here. although, i know that not all of them are one, i just observed that most of the time, these certain individuals who are not, are easily eaten up by the general norm.

source

i have 16 colleagues in our group, which is composed of a girl, a lesbian, a gay and the rest are heterosexual men. i have been to countless teams before. but i could say that this group is unique from the rest. being with them for almost half a year now, it just occured to me how stereotypes happened.

stereotypes are general characteristics identified to a certain group. but personally, i never believed in such. for me, it is wrong to identify one based from the group he belongs because no two persons are exactly alike. in other words, every individual is unique on their own.

my officemates' typical conversations include basketball, naruto, xbox, psp, beer drinking, girl hooking, girls, girls and more girls. personally, i really don't have problems about girl conversations. but if the topic is already over boarding to pervesion and "pambabastos." there is where my problems start.

regardless of gender, i just find it insulting as a person to hear remarks regarding someone being identified as an object (of sex and prestige). i hate it when people starts talking how big someone breasts, butts and even bulges are. i despise people who keep on putting themselves higher than anyone else just because they think they are better and treat people like things. worst, they don't even have what it takes. but along the entire conversation, what surprised me was how those people which i deemed not to be sexists nor chavaunist, started talking trash as well. it made me wonder.

two days later, i accidentally had the chance to talk to one of the most sexist and chauvanist colleauge.. i just learned that he is actually taking the same route that i take whenever i go home. surprisingly, not a single word regarding being what i perceived him to be came out of his mouth on our conversation. then it occured to me after we part ways that probably these stereotypes that we might have regarding certain groups are actually brought about by peer association and pressure.

given that each individual has their own characteristics, there is a possibility that by the time they are put into their group, each has the tendency to display these stereotypic characteristics.

call it peer pressure. but i call it a burden that still makes me drag myself to work and that is just another of my two cents.

kwestyon en answer

minsan may mga bagay na mas mabuti pang hindi na lang pag usapan. what you see is what you get, kumbaga.

ito na marahil ang isa sa mga pinakapopular na pag iisip nating mga pinoy. sabi nga nila, sobra tayong mapagmahal subalit nahahadlangan tayo nito dahil likas daw sa atin ang hindi pagiging expressive o takot sa mga komprontasyon. marahil dahil hinubog tayo maging konserbatibo ng ating kultura't henerasyon (teka, parang hindi ko na ata naabutan yun).

noong nakaraang araw, sa unang pagkakataon matapos ang mahabang panahon, nagkaroon kami ng pagkakataon ng mga kaibigan ko'ng magkita-kita muli para sa book launching ng isa pa naming kaibigan dito sa quezon city. madaming pamilyar na mga tao ilan ay nakilala sa baguio habang ang iba ay dito na sa baba. subalit mas marami pa rin akong mga nakamayan ko at nais makamayan.

at para sa isang taong napaka sentimental, napaka-nostalgic ng pakiramdam ng lahat. ang ilaw, ang set up, ang pagiging busy ng mga tao, ang tawanan, ang kawalan ng pag iisip sa mga bagay sa labas ng venue at ang kabuuang aura ng lahat. haay, para akong bumata ng 3 years. hanggang sa naimbitahan akong magbasa ng ilang excerpt ng libro. siyempre noong una ay pakipot pa dahil matagal-tagal na rin ng huli kong ginawa ito. sa una'y kinabahan subalit matapos ang pagbabasa ay naging orgasmic ang lahat para sa akin---rejuvenating!

matapos ang book launch, napagpasyahan namin na dumiretso sa bahay ng kaibigan upang doon ipagpatuloy ang kwentuhan sa harap ng mga bote boteng halimaw.

inabot ng tanghali ang inuman at sa lahat ng iyon ay naging pinakamainit ang naging tanong na binato kay paolo. si paolo ay isa sa aming mga kaibigan subalit hindi ko masasabing close kami- nagkataon lang sigfuro na same circle of friends.

tanikala, ink and paper, 01/25/2007

isang taon ang tanda niya sa akin. metikuloso sa pananamit, ingelesero, mataray, baliw kay nicole kidman, madaldal, nahuhumaliw sa japanese boy band at nasabi ko na bang baliw siya kay nicole kigman (kinakailangan kasi ang labis na diin duon)?

naalala ko pa nun sa school, siya yung tipo ng tao na kapag naglakad sa lobby ay maririnig mo all of a sudden ang soundtrack ng sex in the city sa isip mo, kasabay ng pagtalbog ng lahat ng bagay sa katawan niya and with the pout in his lips. subalit sa kabila ng lahat ng ito ay tago pa rin siya sa kanyang pamilya.

papaano? yan din ang hindi namin alam... ibang iba si paolo kapag andyan na ang buo niyang angkan. akala mo may kausap ka'ng ibang tao.

hanggang sa ang kasama ng isa pa naming kaibigan ay nangahas magtanong at hindi inalintana ang lagim ng kanyang pagiging mapusok.

"bakit hindi ka na kasi mag-out?"

"why would i, if i don't feel the need of it?


"wala lang. parang maging malaya ka."

" who told you i am not free??! each of us has our own definition of the word and for me, i am happy with how my family is treating me as a man because no matter how we look at it and rearrange things, the truth of the matter is, lalaki pa rin naman ako and in this stage of my life, ayoko ng baguhin yun. ayokong kapag sinabi kong, mom, dad your unico hijo is gay ay magbago ang lahat. not because they might takwil me because they can't do that. but because i just don't want this relationship we have to change. i don't see myself living with my family in an entirely different treatment from what we have now."

natahimik ang lahat. inubos ko na lang ang bote ko sa isang lagok. matapos nun nagbukas muli ako ng panibago. naisip ko, para sa mga pilipino marahil hindi talaga ganun kahalaga o kabigat ang konsepto ng coming out kumpara sa US. lahat tayo ay nasanay na malaman at maintindihan ang mga bagay batay sa ating sariling pagtingin at kung ano ang pinapakita at pinaparamdam sa atin ng mga nito. ang dilemna nga lang ay kung sa papaano sa paghugot ng mga kasagutan ay magawa natin itong maunawaan at irespeto.

marahil nga, mahalaga para sa lahat ng tao ang pag alam sa mga kasagutan sa kanyang buhay at marami sa tin ay nasanay sa schoolic na paraan ng question and answer. subalit narealize ko matapos ang inuman na yun na hindi lahat ng mga tanong ay kinakailangan sagutin dahil mas madalas hindi naman lahat ng bagay ay dapat kwestiyunin in the first place.

no one mess with the ewik

hindi ko maintindihan sa kabila ng dami ng pampublikong mga sasakyan, marami pa rin ang mga nagmamadaling at nauubusan ng masasakyan. minsan, kahit nga bawal, pinipilit pa rin makauwi lang.

sa pagkakaalam ko, dito sa maynila, pinagbabawala ang pagsabit sa mga sasakyan. marahil kung sa probinsya lamang namin ito naka kahit sa top load pwede ka'ng sumakay at pwamis kakaiba ang feeling. meron pala talaga siguro sa ating mge "emo self" yung kahit sa sandaling yun ay mas mataas at mabilis ka sa iba. naks, mara clara po pala ito---inaapi!

pero siyempre hindi ito probinsiya---maynila ito. dito, hindi mo mararamdaman na mataas at mabilis ka sa ibang tao kapag sumakay ka sa top load. bagkus, mararamdaman mo'ng mas nakakaawa ka sa iba. imaginin mo na lang ang dumi mo pagbababa mo, teng! daig mo pa ang taong grasa sa dilim este itim!

honestly, hindi ako marunong sumabit. bukod kasi sa hindi ganun kalakas ang grip at kasteady ang balance ko, pasmado pa po ang kamay ko. minsan, inatake ako ng pagiging gentleman sa probinsiya at pinaupo ko yung matandang babae na nagtitinda ng hipon sa timba. si manang naman kasi kahit alam ng puno okay lang daw na tumayo na lang siya sa may pinto. siyempre hindi naman yun kinaya ng konsensya ko, kaya sumabit na lang ako.

eh first time kong sumabit yun... HOOOWWOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!! nanginig ang tuhod ko at siyempre dahil probinsya yun, parang iyo lang talaga ang kalsada, walang trapik at ugali ng mga jeepny driver na makipag unahan sa isa't isa. opo, kung akala niyo killer bus lang sa metro manila ang ganid sa pasahero, wait lang kayo kapag nakakita kayo ng mini-killer 6 seater jeepny sa probinya... nag iiSLASH siya, hindi lang cut, ISLASH!

yun ang unang pagkakataon na hiniling ko na sana matrapik kami! dahil nag iislide na talaga ang namamasang kamay kooooooooooo.... aggggguuuuuyyyyy....

parang eksena sa pelikula na mahuhulog sa cliff ang iyong love of your life at pinipilit mo sa siyang isave. pero unti-unting nadudulas ang kamay niyo sa isa't-isa hanggang sa makakabitaw ka, mahuhulog siya ta habambuhay mo'ng dadalhin ang guilt na yun.

GANUN!!! ang pakiramdam! iisipin mo na sana hindi ako naghuhugas agad ng kamay matapos...

balik usapan.

kahapon, nakakita ako ng isang grupo ng mga taong nag aabang ng masasakyan. may lalaking, mukhang hindi magpapatalo kanino, si miss na tinanggal na ang high heels para sa dadaan na masasakyan, si manong na naka pambalya pose na... pagdating ng jeep... karipas sila. mahampas ang mahampas, masipa ang masipa, mabalya ang mabalya... kesehodang mabayagan, madakmaan ng suso, masapak sa mukha, mamudmod sa kilikili ng iba, basta ang makasakay.

ganito ang eksena sa rush hour!

at kung nagtataka kayo kung ano ang kinalaman ng mga pictures sa taas...

kasi si cute manong na nakasabit kahit pantalon sumasabit sa pwet... nag wewedgy lang siya at pinagmamasdan namin sya ng kaibigan ko habang hirap na hirap siya at sumidiskarte kung papaano niya tatanggalin yung kinakain ng pwet niya.

uyyy siyempre babalikan mo naman... hahaha...

kahapon din, nalaman ko ang isa sa pinakamalungkot na bagay tungkol sa akin galing sa isang doctor. gusto ko'ng maiyak ng sinabi niya yun sa akin habang nakahiga ako sa kama at may oxygen mask sa mukha. pero kinailangan ko'ng magpakatatag, alam ko'ng isa muli itong pagsubok.

sabi niya, hindi na daw ako pwede uminom dahil sa hyper tension ko. ooohhh yes, sa edad ko'ng 23 may hypertension na ako. hindi ko man alam kung ano yun, feeling ko its something grave kasi matagal ko na palang nararamdaman ang symptoms hindi pa ako nagpapacheck up. PANALO!

not to mention pa ang life style ko na naknaknakan nang HEALTHY!!!

so, starting today, less fats, more fruits, less smoke and no drinking na...

yup, you heard it right!!! no drinking muna! i need to... sad to say.

but atleast i had fun with my last drinking session because someone mess with the ewik.

.

..

...

cause no one mess with the EWIK.

cause this what happens to them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS GUYS!!!

the anthropologist in me

one of my anthropology professor, dr. june prill-brett (who i also consider as my personal anthropology icon), once said in our class that the cordilleran societies are not patriarchal societies.

based from her previous cultural studies regarding gender relations and issues among the cordillerans, she have noticed that men and women actually share an equitable position from one another. this conclusion draws from the political roles that gender plays in their communities (which basically determines who-dominates-who across all human groups).

politically, male elders dominate the dap-ay* meetings, where they discuss issues in their village, while the rest of the members are watching. on the other hand, women dominate the economic side through rice field works. but since most societies, including us, defines the gender hierarchy based from whose gender holds the power to decide (politically), cordillerans societies are popularly deemed as patriarchal.

but through her extensive research, she learned that these male elders who attend dap-ay meetings happen to have their opinions and decisions already in scripts. she knew about this, when she integrated her study among male leaders' homes and found out that the elders' wives are actually the ones who teach their husbands of what to say and what to decide. afterwards, the wives sit near the dap-ays to listen and make sure that the scripts are properly followed. if not, non-verbal communications are sent out by the wives to their husband through eye contatcs, gestures etc.

from here, we can argue that cordilleran societies observe what can be called as a pseudo-patriarchy. nonetheless, it should also be noted that this doesn't put women members in a position higher than the men either. for each gender has its own significant role in order for the society to survive. cordilleran men and women are not equal rather they are equitable to each other.

following the theory above, the same applies to the wood carvings in my previous post. the phallicism of a society or the adoration to the phallus or male organ doesn't necessarily equate to patriarchy. infact, the emergence of wooden phallus doesn't even have any association to the cordilleran culture. it actually reflects the culture outside it.

when i came in baguio in 2002, i noticed that the most awaited event here is the panagbenga or the flower festival. this is the time when bus and hotel reservations are always full: you can barely walk along session road because of the people's volume: it is so freaking hard to find a cab and wallets temporarily loss their essence. but it was the first time i watched the street parade that caught my attention. i have noticed that regardless how spectular the passing flower floats are, the loudest cheer arises by the time the local delegation, wearing their cultural attire, passes the crowd. it saddens me to hear that these people, mostly tourist, would shout, "oh look at how dark his **** is," or "i managed to peek at his **** and s/he didn't even mind shaving."

it saddens me, not because i feel the embarassment of the cordillerans having to wear those "g-strings", rather i find it more humilliating to my fellow non-cordillerans who acts like people who crave for phallus: talking about who is more civilized.

obviously, it seemed like i am not the first or the only person who noticed this. from the looks of it, a smart-ass entrepreneur have used this behaviour from these tourist and made it as a business. thus, we have these wooden penis key chains, man-in-the-barrel souveneirs, bulols with penis on it etc. i believe that these objects don't really tell us anything about patriarchy in the cordillera. rather it is more a commercial move to attract potential buyers and show how lustful these people are.

to conclude, the presence of phallic symbols in a particular society doesn't necessarily mean that it is a patriarchal one. most of the time, we really need to dwell thoroughly on what is hiding at the back of what we are seeing to find out the "truth." who knows, we may find out that we, lowlanders are also non-patriarchal and don't actually have any concept of gender--- yeah right! *dap-ay is a circular stone seats where the heart of all religious, political and cultural life of a village is being discussed.