silent conversations: how i confronted my best friend after confessing being HIV positive

I guess meeting Y the following day was inevitable.

but i pondered hard how i will manage after learning the status.

what will i do? where do i start? and what will i even ask?

Y and i have probably seen each other in extremely rare occasions after graduation, more than a decade ago (damn, time flies). mostly, during blockmates' weddings, reunions and a spontaneous trip in tagaytay for lunch. but thanks to social media and perhaps our bond, its always as if it was just last week. so we never had any awkward moments when we are together.

"Y!," i exclaimed but Y did not respond. i knew Y  heard me. but somehow Y refused or perhaps did not have the strength to look back.

in a way, I immediately understood Y's dilemma on where to even start. from there, i knew that the pressure of starting the conversation was already on me.

as I approached Y, my head was telling me: lift the conversation up. enter with high energy. strike a joke. make it casual. as much as possible, let Y feel its just another day.

"musta ang malandi?" (how's the flirt?)

WTF.

I swore I saw the sudden change in Y's expression. by that time I am not sure whether or not I offended Y. yes, sometimes I say the most stupid things. but eventually both of us just laughed at it like the old times.

"grabe siya (you are harsh)." Y answered back.

"tara, dinner tayo! (come on, lets have dinner)" I said which Y obliged.

Y remained silent the entire time we were walking towards the restaurant; unmindful of the incoming wave of pedestrians and makati employees rushing home.

with a lowered head, Y was just staring straight right past through the sidewalk. perhaps, hoping to see and pick up anything along the way to at least start a conversation.

when we were in college, Y have always portrayed to be straight, had a number of straight relationships, been a varsity player throughout our college stay, and though Y have a number of gay peers, Y have always preferred to be surrounded with straight friends.

it was only the later part of our senior year, when Y told me that Y is also attracted with the same sex. and if Y did not admit it, i myself may have never knew.

eventually after college, Y discreetly pursued same-sex relationships and managed to remain straight in front of family, friends and even workmates. Y was so good at it that sometimes, i laughed on how clueless people were. so Y was determined to keep it that way even after knowing being HIV positive.

hence, it felt like hell when Y learned about it.

Y still remained silent even when our food arrived,

bothered, i recalled being very restless. nagging Y for confirmation of everything that was running inside my head. until i remembered a smart person once told me, that in order for you to smell the sweetest scent of a flower, you just have to wait for it to bloom.

obviously, i was stupid enough to bombard Y with so many unnecessary questions such as: do you already figure out how you get it? did you have any unprotected sex before? when was the last time you had sex? it pains me even now recalling it.

now, i realize that these questions no longer matter as they dwell from the past and do not promise any positive help for Y in the future. i realize that instead of accepting, I was actually unconsciously judging Y based on my narrowminded stigma i have with the virus.

but eventually, the conversation just naturally kicked in. then i learned that what was important that  moment was just to listen. no cutting, no asking. no anything. as i will never imagine the thought process and courage Y had to take just to say what Y wanted to say. because at the end of the day, the only question that will matter is a question to myself; simply about what I can do now to people like Y who may be needing me the most.

source

after dinner, Y and i went to my place to possibly further discuss about the situation --- or so we thought.

for hours, we spent silent conversations with ourselves without realizing how late it became.

I decided to invite Y to stay over after seeing tears and uncertainties fell over my couch. i thought that it was not the best idea for Y to be alone that night. but Y insisted to go home.

when Y assured me that it will be alright, I walked Y out of the door with heavy steps. funny, how I can still vividly remember the sound of the door when Y closed it shut as if it was telling me something.

then after a few minutes, i suddenly heard hard knocks on my door. i immediately rush downstairs and opened it. it was Y, with teary eyes and breaking voice. 

"I just cannot stop shaking."

patience also waits

three years ago, there was a boy who just kept on ranting about almost everything after college. he ranted about how he missed his friends in baguio, how he needed to spend so much just to have a good conversation over stranger after strangers, how he struggled in watching movies alone and keep all his thoughts to himself after the curtains close; and how frustrated and lonely he was walking along empty streets just to go to work, which he didn't even like, every sunday.

like any fresh graduate, he was full of idealisms and ambitions. he wanted to achieve and experience so many things and believed that he can do far more than what he was doing during that time. he was very anxious; as if he was always in battle with time. though he never really wanted to be rich nor famous, he was just simply scared that he might end up not doing the things, even him was not sure what they were. but after countless searches and attempts, he started trimming his options; bothering himself every night asking, what he did wrong and what he didn't do?

countless days and futile nights passed. but the same shadow didn’t let him go. until hopelessness devoured him completely. he just started not caring; and crying. he laid down on his bed and just let time pass and win him over. it was as if its the only thing he know he could do. the feeling was always paralyzing.

until an opportunity came.

there were a number of considerations at first but he still grabbed it. the environment was completely different. even in his wildest dreams, he didn't imagine himself working as one. of course there were times when he got tired and almost gave up. but during those time, he will always go out, waive a cab, pass it along a familiar building and ask himself,

"do you still want to return back to this?," while looking at different (un)familiar faces smoking, talking and enjoying every last seconds of it outside. he will pause and then his answer will make the cab turn back.

never did he realized that most of the things he was worrying about before just started landing one at a time in front of him.

i guess thats what they call patience, a friend told him.

tonight, as he waits for everyone to bid there farewells to him, he thought of opening and rekindling those posts again. he read them from one page to the next and could believe, he actually wrote them.

some he have already forgotten.

while some he remembered though the memory of every thought made this man a stranger even to his own words.

so whats keeping him busy these past months?

mostly work,

about a new company project,

a new team he is handling

and most of all, MORE wandering...

clairvoyance

i had a dream.

in it, i saw myself standing on the center of a spacious patio, covered with colorful but broken tiles. i really can't picture what the entire collage looked like, from where i am standing. but looking at the dark and gloomy clouds above, i guess, its showing sadness to heaven.

then i started walking towards that massive cathedral, blankly staring at me. as if calling my name and knew who i am. i never thought that such structure can be that seducing. thus, i heed.

its funny how the place reminded me of J so much. though i dont remember us being here before. the place was deserted. there were a pair of bowing angels made in cold concrete, tainted broken glass panes, and an empty bench under a weeping tree.

then i remembered pushing a pair of huge wooden door, that despite its size, it was so light that i doubted if my palms were really touching and pushing it. when i stepped inside, there was an ongoing mass. i really cant remember the last time i heard one. so in a way, it was already plain nostalgia to me.

i don't even remember what the sermon was all about but whatever it was it made me remember J again.

it has been years since the last time i saw J and it was just that night that i wondered where J is.

as usual, we lost communication from the last time we saw each other. it was never been an issue to me since it has been that way ever since. i guess where not really fond of talking and it was mostly silence that moved us together (and apart too).

you see, even in such young age, we were already in this kind of set up. eventhough we don't know what it is called during that time. lets say it was distance that pushed us to take or risk it. and for me, it was hope that made me stay. but never really knew what J had that time.

i never believe in love is waiting. probably because if it is indeed true love, you'll never let the person to wait for you in turmoil. and of course, all these realizations just came after J.

i remember there were nights before that i would received messages from unknown numbers soliciting comfort and advises from their problems. and being the goody goody me, i would always reply back to them even without asking who they were. i never had problems with it. perhaps, because at the back of my head, i always believed or made myself to believe, it was J.

i sat on a long empty bench, positioned almost infront of the altar. patiently observing almost everything infront of me. trying to patch up the memories that have been wiped away by time. the cross, the face on it, the picture of pain on a mother's face and even the conviction on the priest's sermon.

then i wondered how J was. probably because, i never received any messages from unknown numbers anymore. i wonder if J has the same problems again? how is J dealing with it? why is J not texting me anymore? or if J already found another person to ask?

honestly, i am no longer expecting for any of these questions to be answered. i am already contended with the pace that i am going through with my life. and i guess, what i could only hope for is for J to have the same and to have a good life.

suddenly, i saw a small boy struggling as he approached me. then he tripped, fell and hugged my knees. i picked him up and asked him if he was alright. then he giggled. hahaha. i almost blushed.

then i looked at him. he had a smile that could melt all the loneliness away. a pair of dreamy eyes that could lift anyone's soul. he was such an adorable kid that for a moment made me think if cherubins are real. i wanted to take him home. then nostalgia hit me again.

whats with this dream and nostalgia thing? i asked myself.

then i heard his parents softly calling him. so i gently carried his left arm as he turned back from me and looked at him as he struggled back to his parents. when he reached them, one of his parents smiled at me as a sign of gratitude. but when i was about to smile back, in my surprise, i saw J sitting beside the two. and J smiled too.

from there, i caught myself making the longest smile that marked my lips at this very moment and even woke up still smiling. in a very strange way, i felt really REALLY good about it.

***

several days after, out of extreme boredom and without anything to do, i decided to logged on in my old friendster account to check who from my friends are still actively using it (in this facebook-dominated time). and while, i was scrolling down the updates, i actually saw J's name. J posted a photo album, with this picture on it.

then i caught myself again doing the same long smile. i never imagine myself to be this happy for J or for any of my ex.

for at last, someone had finally convinced and made J to settle down. something that i guess, i can never do and J can never have and be---

with me.

promises(?)

"never hold on to a promise," that was the last thing J said before the night completely took J away, again.

i grew up surrounded with people making all sorts of promises. and in a way, i've been fascinated with how it ensures certain uncertainties. how it pulls out hope and relief from indescribable distress. and how it pushes all means to make impossibles possible.

but i guess, not all promises are made to last nor done for the simple reason of humanity.

we hammer promises with our imperfections, we break them into pieces because of our shortcomings. but at the end, its our own guilt that eats us.

when J let go of my hand that night, i realized another promise has been broken. for a while, i doubted if it was J's imperfections or mine. if it was my shortcomings or Js.

but even before an answer is made, i just saw myself slowly folding: 'til my knees sympathized with my chest and the chilly night breeze wiped my face dry. it was a vulnerabling feeling i must say. too bad J didn't see it. but i thought, what for?

i guess, promise is the most treacherous thing man has ever invented.

when rousseau wrote his theory in social contract, he should have also warned about its possible outcomes to us, individually. the frustration, trust issues and all that. at least, it could have prepared us for its coming.

you see, for most of us, when a promise is made, we, as the person who receives it immediately build a certain extent of expectations that sometimes, or most of the time over boards to the actual promise itself. thus, when our expectations are not met we end up being frustrated.

but what if no promise was actually made? what if it was only beliefs drawn out from a built relationship? are promises and beliefs just the same?

when i "agreed" to have that affair with j, all the love stories and movies i have met started coming back to me. being my first, it was the most wonderful feeling for me that time. but i never expected it could be that tragic later on.

i know, i should have not expected. i should have not dreamed of those dreams. i should have put my hopes into its proper places.

but i guess, it was not that bad at all. instead of feeling miserable, i hold on to that experience and live with it. some people understood, while some just simply can't. nonetheless, i still took another step forward.

so now, after your messenger box popped up on my screen, asking me how i am and if we could still meet? i figured, i guess i could still take some chances (of friendship) but never will i hold on to any of your promises.

obsession

"i guess i haven't overcome that obsession yet"

x uttered while were busy editing our project.

"what obsession?" i asked.

"that attraction with straight men."

after hours of being in front of my monitor screen, i have finally turned away from it and looked at x. it was just then that i have realized that he was wearing a red shirt. a color he would rarely wear. i looked at him and waited. hoping he could elaborate his answer more. but there was just a long pause, he never said another word.

ever since we've met, x was not really fond of talking about his intimate life. thus, we, as friends never really bothered asking him about it. probably that is the wall that we have to respect. so we really consider it as one of those rare moments whenever he would disclose something to us. basically, all i know was the last time he had sex was with his high school girlfriend (he was in college during that time). after he broke up with her, for some reason, another form of attraction or realization emerged.

he never really had any serious relationships with all the men he went out with. he always had this lame excuse that they were just good friends. although something else was itching inside our heads, we still respected his excuse.

one time, in the middle of an inuman, he went over his limits and got too drunk to censor what was going on inside his head. he suddenly ranted about all the guys he went out with. saying, how selfish they were. how immature and inconsiderate and so on. in vino veritas (in wine, we find truth).

but i, or we, never really took it against him. in the first place, it was his right to hide and make his life private. but what really bothered me the most, was this obsession he mentioned.

source

ever since i was a kid, i grew up with this believe that gay men only go out with straight men. of course, living in a very traditional and conservative family plus studying in an exclusive catholic school for boys for most part of my life, i lived believing only on the existence of this relationship alone when it comes to homosexual partnership and this is never lasting and very parasitic. eventually, when i went to college, my outlook in life, particularly in relationships made a full turn.

academically, we were introduced to the diversity of culture, the various preferences individuals invent, choose and live with and even got the chance to talk and mingle with them. eventually, i have learned that for most part of human life, one cannot really box anyone to the studies and classifications academicians can come up with. its too complex that even language cannot claim knowing.

later on, i met and lived with (close) friends and housemates who chose to live their lives with partners of the same sex. thus, i already assumed that people who go out with homosexuals are no longer straight people but homosexuals too, regardless if they claim they're bisexuals or just trippers.

then here come x, who somehow reminded me of that long forgotten belief. it was bothering probably because of all people, it was him who opened it up. all this time, i really thought he was no different from other people i have met and knew when it comes to such preference.

but is it really possible for a gay man to end up with a straight guy?

later that night, the itch inside my head went crazier, to the point that i could no longer resist asking x, "what's with straight guys? "

for a second, i really thought i am doomed, that i will be missing another contact in my facebook, that i will never see x again and above all, that i will never finish my project on time (since it was x who was really helping me for the most part of the process). what did i just say? where is the respect that i am flaunting earlier? me and my big pakialamero mouth.

but fortunately, he politely answered back,

i don't know. i guess, theres just this craving in me to turn any straight guy gay when an opportunity stands infront of me.

and what happens next when he gives in?

i drop him off.

but why?

because technically, he is no longer straight.

so are you saying your just up for the challenge.

i guess, you can say it that way.

but isn't that unfair?

well life is never fair.

for a moment, i almost doubted if it was really x that i am talking to. i guess, that was the part of him i haven't acquainted myself with until that night.

then what does that makes you?

nothing. i admit, i can't call myself straight because i go out with men. but no one can tag me as gay either because i never really had sex with any of them.

you never had sex with them? then how can you say that they're already gay?

they confess.

and what do you get from it?

i dunno thats why i call it an obsession.

seriously, i am doubtful about his claims. quite bias because it was so UN-him. i am certain that i am missing a picture. but i guess whatever that be, all i can do is to respect him for now because i know, eventually he'll be needing to make a decision; and hopefully, he'll stand by it.

for me, respect is the most important thing when it comes to dealing with people. you may never know whether they are right or wrong unless you go deeper to where they are coming from. but for situations like this, i believe that its quite unfair for someone to push another to be what s/he wants him/her to be, just to feed an ego, just to feed an obsession.

as the old golden rule say. don't do to others what you don't want others do to you. one cannot simply objectify another to mere prize or trophy for making an impossible possible. because at the end of the day, we all know that we all have our own battles to win and we don't want another obstacle just to outwit another person's whims.

or probably again, its just me ranting.

the person i don't want to be

if there was one thing i remembered about her youth, it was her ambition. her parents told her, she was the smartest among all the nine children they have. thus, being a poor family of farmers, they always had high hopes for her.

she dreamed of taking up a degree in economics and pursue a career out of it. she wanted to be a career woman, save up and live a life out from a land that they can't even call their own. but its hard to live a life when you started from scratch. thus, she pursued the (only) road most people like her usually takes--- it was an entirely different alley.

she took a vocational course and worked as a secretary in an appliance store in caloocan to save up for her dreams. but along the way, she met her employer's nephew. a young, charming seafarer with a big sense of humor. to make it short, she fell in love with him and before she knew it, she was already conceiving their first child.

source

so she had to set her dreams aside for the meantime and focus on the arrival of another unexpected path, being a wife and a mother.

then they decided to move together and eventually saw the downfalls of each other. the seafarer still in denial that he was about to become a father, began playing around. while she on the otherhand, was left inside a small apartment, he rented for them, brewing a strong concoction of frustration and depression.

i really can't speak on her behalf about what she was undergoing during that time. but if there was one thing i am sure of, it was very severe. so chronic that it actually cost us our supposed oldest sibling's life. but on the otherhand, it made my dad realized he was already a commited family man.

as time passed by, we then came, all four of us. two boys, two girls and me, now, being the eldest. and life flew above my mom like a swift passing breeze. it was so fast that she even forgot about the dream she once set aside. and for her, it was already too late now.

two months ago, my mom and i had a big fight over this huge favor i was desperately asking from her. she refused simply because my dad disagreed. i forgot the last time i went that ballistic. i was so mad at her that i decided to give her the silent treatment i thought she deserved.

i began asking questions like why can't she make up a decision of her own? why does she always link her life with other people? why can't she be independent? i guess, it was the feminist in me that added the flare in my anger.

for weeks i refused to get her calls. i never replied back whenever she sent me messages asking how am i? did i already find a job and all those other motherly questions, which i live for the most part of growing up.

basically, during that time, i lived a segment of my life telling myself, kung natiis niya ako, kaya ko din siyang tiisin. that was how far i could be when i am mad.

then early this morning, i woke up a bit awkward. i felt there was something different. then i realized, she was there. my entire family went back home here in manila to spend the holidays.

source

as usual, there she was again, living in her own world, built on that part of our house with a knife and a crop in her hands. silent, reserved and almost frail. though i always remember her to be very eager and a bit stronger before.

it always makes me wonder whats going on inside her head. i always wonder what she feels, about choosing to fulfill other people's life other than her own. i wonder what she will rant if given the chance or if she is even capable or brave enough to give out one? did she ever regret living a life behind us?

i grew up telling myself, i don't want to be like her. i don't want to live my entire life behind the shadows of other people. i don't want to lock and stagnate myself doing household chores only and that i will never allow love to hinder me from achieving my dreams. i want to live my life to the fullest. i want to be as successful as i can be until i will be remembered.

suddenly, she turned on my direction and caught me just staring at her. i was literally dumbstruck in that moment. for the first time, i couldn't think of anything that would get me out of that awkward situation. for i still want her to believe that i am still not okay and that i am still mad at her.

but then she smiled at me. something she rarely does and that completely swept away all the grudges i have for her. then she wrapped it all up by saying, "kumain ka na, pinagluto kita ng sinigang na baboy. tinanggalan ko na din yan ng buto para hindi mo na himayin tulad ng gusto mo"

thats when i realized, that indeed, if there is this one person who knows you better than anybdy else, it would be our parents, and for me it would be her.

i never thought, she knew. although it was a given fact in the family that sinigang is my favorite dish (probably because for me, my mom cooks the best sinigang in town like all other children will say about their mother).and compare to other kids who usually separate the fat part from the meat, i on the other hand, would never touch any meat which has bones with it and i hid this from my parents because of the fear that they will call me stubborn(again). eventually, i have outgrown this habit but never i have realized she would remember.

in that moment, as much as i want to deny it to myself and despite being taller and bigger than my mom now, i felt like a kid once again. her scent crumbles down all the knowledge and strength i have proudly acquired from my education and experiences. the touch of her warm skin as it accidentally brushed on mine, brings back memories of me crying for her name for refuge whenever i wake up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream. and her gentle voice can just conjure serenity and calmness, i kept looking for.

indeed, its really hard to talk or write something about the person you genuinely love. that is why i never wrote something about her until now.

i guess, i still don't want to be the person like her for the simple reason i can never be like her. she is beyond any words of description that only the child in me can comprehend. perhaps, she have already fulfilled her dreams, although not the dreams she intended to be but of a better one, and that is raising us well.

source

and now im writing this entry to affirm her success. so that every person who will read this will know that she has been as successful as she can be and she will be remembered to be the mother of this son who once wrote that simple but victorious story of her life.

also read:
letter in the closet

...finally

after almost four months of waiting...

source

i am now a PROFESSIONAL WANDERING COMMUTER!

seriously loving it!

appreciated

cj was one of those freshmen, craving for attention and trying to enter the senior's circle of the group. he was hyper active and was tag as boy bibo by most of us. but i never conceived it as something positive. probably because we were the complete opposite.

i was always the aloof one, trying to be a loner and observing a distance from everybody else. i never desired for attention and just wanted everything to be done by my own. in short, i deemed myself as the non-team player. but being the head of the group, i was obliged to socialize from the rest of the members and made sure that the group was intact. so it was inevitable for our paths to cross.

one day, 3 hours before our play starts, i was busy finishing and polishing some props and stage designs, when CJ popped up from nowhere. he was one of the supporting actors of the play and had the least thing to do while i was the technical director. since he was done with all of his rehearsals, he approached me and started eyeing what i was doing. although i know he was just getting my attention again, like he usually does, i felt really annoyed, especially because i get easily irritated whenever someone is disturbing what i am doing and to top it all up, he was actually insulting it.

i silently sighed and told myself, to be patient for he is just a freshman. i ignored him and continued what i was doing. but he would not just stop, i calmly asked him not to bother me since i am cramming. i moved all my things to the veranda and continued finishing it there. but CJ was really testing my patience. he followed me, picked one of my paint brushes and started stroking what i was doing. a heavier sigh moved my chest. then random thoughts spurred inside my head until i found myself asking him, minsan ba, hindi mo narerealize na hindi ka naapreciate ng ibang tao? (don't you sometimes realize that people don't appreciate you?)

then there was a sudden silence. puzzled, i slowly looked at him and saw his lips wide open, eyes bursting with tears but no sound came out of his mouth. i realized that he was not just offended, he was crying his heart out. he immediately ran inside the house, opened the door and hailed a cab. everyone inside was surprised and it created a big commotion within the group. but i did not run to follow him.

in a way, i felt guilty. but at the back of my head, i thought he deserved it. sometimes we just need to get hurt in order for us to have a wake up call.

three months had passed. CJ was still not talking to me. but i am not moved either. but i really felt his gradual change. he was no longer fishing for attention and quite sensitive in relating to others. i thought what i did actually helped him.

until one day, he started talking to me again. but it was no longer the way he used to. i saw his smile but it was quite different from before.

i know, i have seen that smile from others' faces before--- oh right! he's inlove! and later he confirmed.

i never saw him that happy before and it looked like my biases for him faded as well. he confessed that he is dating someone from another organization and was really thinking of taking it seriously. honestly, i was very happy for him.

then a month passed, CJ was no longer attending our meetings and i didn't see or felt his presence for a time. well, i understood. the guy is courting someone. what can we do?
until one day, i saw him slowly walking along the pathway; head down with a blank face. i never saw him that way or probably i am just not used of seeing him in his down moments. i asked him if he was alright? he just gave me a nod and went straight home.

i wondered what bothered him. then i saw the person he was dating with my former roommate, having the time of their lives together underneath oblation. in a way, i understood what he was going through.

then after an hour, i saw his housemates panicking. they informed me CJ committed suicide. it became a big news in the campus. fortunately, he survived.

weeks after, he was back again. but now with a bigger smile despite the murmurs of what he have done. he remained on his ground and pretended as if nothing really happened--- his life or better yet his second life continues.

the semester ended and another came through swiftly. then someone told me CJ was not enrolling and transferred to another campus. years passed and we lost contact. the campus also forgotten what happened. until one day, i have heard CJ was actively involved in another group in their province and was no longer with his family. until, i have heard that he already joined the movement. i was surprised. i never thought with my wildest imagination that a former freshman who once entered our audition, with a perky smile and whimpy attitude would sacrifice everything and hold a gun to fight for what he believes and uphold the rights of many.

i never heard from him anymore. the last time i saw him was here in manila which happened to be just a coincidence. we had a small chitchat in the middle of an ongoing rally which i just happened to pass by. he told me about his experiences, how he adjusted massively, and how fulfilled he was in what he is doing now.

his words moved me. i was actually having second thoughts if i am actually speaking to the same person. then in the middle of our conversation he asked,

do you still remember the time when you made me cry?

i chuckled.

do you still remember the exact line you have told me?

i paused and made a nod.

thanks--- that was the last word he said to me.

a simple day, a simple life

its either of the two, either i just got hooked about it, just like anything that i pinned my interest on; or i am just scared of the truth lurking behind those stories. but regardless of the two, i just can't control the craving that keeps on itching at the back of my head.

then, why don't you leave your presence?

same reason why i kept myself silent. i admit that up until now, despite the stuffs that i believed in and the principles i keep, there are still things that i am scared of learning. ofcourse, there is no close secret to an open mind. but i believe that everything that we have gained also underwent process, right?!

most of the time, i opt in just being a reader, an invisible and passive being watching life as it passes infront of me. i tend to put myself on their shoe and then carry the things that i have learned as i close the last page, thinking that i may need to apply it in future occasions.

source

but the problem with this kind of stories, is that, by the time, the stories unfold infront of me, i find it really hard to detach myself. for some reason, as i take the same path they walk, i find the road ahead of me blur. it feels so confusing, that is as if you are bared to be naked and vulnerable. then the next thing you know, fear and hopelessness are knocking you down. thus, i admire these people who are brave enough to disclose their stories--- these kinds of stories. for i may not/never (but who knows) have it on me, i must say that i envy the courage and strength they have, to pull it out to other people, for other people to know, be aware, learn and practive. regardless if other people believe otherwise.

the only time they will find acceptance is when people stop making a fuss about it and treat the virus like an ordinary flu.

ofcourse, sensationalizing and overrating an issue are as same as discrimination. one should understand that if we keep on rubbing in something the more its fire grows. it would never cease as something normal and acceptable as part of our everyday life, if we won't take it subtly. but everything has its own excemptions and i find this issue a good example of it. no one should take this subtly because it is already subtle on its own way, and i believe that it is the same reason why it has successfully proliferated into many people's lives because we keep on ignoring its presence.

and the stories that i am referring to is, all about




HIV and AIDS.








to be continued...

when work talks

"do you remember a single day that i didn't tell you that i don't want to go to work?"

i am into it again, thinking of quitting my current job. the feeling is almost exactly the same as when i was with my previous work. although, the current is way better than my previous company, in terms of a million of things: salary, incentives, work load and even my interaction with my colleagues. but still, i keep on looking for something that will truly make me stay.

promotion? no, thank you. i don't want to put more baggages on my shoulder.
love life? can you just encash it?
additional bonuses and packages? i already have a complete set of the company's freebies and samples.
trip to any destination of your station? like how many miles are talking here? hehehe.

"there is a big difference between work and job. work is something that you do because you are force to do it. while a job is something, that despite of its disadvantages, you still do it because of the simple reason that you like doing it."

last monday, i met with some friends for coffee, a popular way of saying updating one another. then, i noticed the watch one of the guys was wearing. it was trendy and hip. so i asked him where did he get it. then he pouted his lips and pointed it to one of our friends. then the rest was the history, the next thing i knew i was creating an online shop. the result is promising.

"i feel envious with trees because they manage to grow and blossom eventhough they are just standing in one place," mugen.

a friend (?) taught me in essense that in life, it is not easy to achieve things you wanted them to be. you always need to comprise something in order to live with a part of that goal that you are wanting or better yet, needing.

as unfair as it may sound, that is how life goes. we may have our own riskful decisions, unbreakable determination and outstanding instruments to nail it, but still, it doesn't spell any guarantee. nonetheless, i am not going to be eaten out by my own pessimisms.

i can say that i am more determined and wiser than before. probably, just waiting for the perfect timing. i have already learned my lessons you know: never swivel a life turning point just because you woke up in the wrong side of the bed because you will end up broke for two famishing months. i have my plans and so far, i don't want to spill it out. as we say it in our place, "baka maudlot" (it may not push through).


let's just cross our fingers and give it a high toast!


and by the way, someone is going to go down!

makateng kape: dahil bastos daw ang bibig ko

mahirap sabihin kung anong partikular na kape ang paborito ko. napakahaba naman kasi ng pwedeng pagpilian. may caffe latte, americano, barako, arabika, java, espresso, cappucino, at patuloy na darami pa sa ngalan ng kitang papasok sa mga coffee shops. amen!

kadalasan, kapag papasok ako sa isang coffee shop, nakadepende ang oorderin ko sa panahon, sa mood, sa pangangailangan, sa haba ng oras na gusto ko'ng ilagi (para sa kanilang wi-fi) at siyempre sa perang dala ko. wala akong "usual" na inoorder. kaya minsan naiingit din ako kapag naririnig kong tinatanong ang customer na nasa harapan ko nang, "the usual mam/sir?" parang ang ranya pakinggan: parang ang three word question na iyun ay awtomatic ng sasabihin ang class status ng bibili.

*kapag sumagot ng yes at ang binigay ay brewed coffee (regardless kung anong size), usually matatandang mayaman na makikibasa lang ng dyaryo habang hinihintay ang asawa o anak na matapos ang weekly or monthly grocery o shopping.

**kapag frappuccino (na madalas venti o biggest size) naman, kadalasan dalawa lang yan, mga yuppies (young professionals) na gustong sulitin ang wi-fi ng cafe o mga magkakaibigan doing there regular relationship-sex-life updates, tsismisan ang tawag kung masa o mahirap ka.

***kapag hot brews naman like cafe latte, americano etc., kadalasan, mga professionals na "to-go" ang mga ito. dumaan lang para mag gising ng mga cells bago pumasok, o di kaya naman ay mga medical o law students na masigasig sa pag aaral (ehem...ehem)

****samantalang sa mga nag iiced tea o fruit juice/shake, ito ay yung mga pa demour o allergic sa kape-type na customer.

pero siyempre meron din naman mga exception to the rule, partikular duon ang mga tipo ng customer na bumibili lang sa mga unang araw ng katapusan at kinsenas. tapos bigla na lang mawawala pagdating ng ikalawang linggo (lusot ang mga empleyadong biweekly ang sahod). mahirap ng mag explain, kaya i gets niyo na lang.subalit dahil pabibo akong bata, hindi ko masasabing mayroon akong the usual na order. madalas gusto ko'ng magpanggap na coffee expert kahit dalawang beses lang naman ako nagkakape sa isang araw. 3-in-1 pa. lalo na kapag pinasisiklaban pa ako ng barista ng mabilis at canned na english, naku lalo akong ginaganahan pahirapan sila. may mga pagkakataon kasi lalo na kapag walang ginagawa sa opisina ay nagbrobrowse ako ng mga coffee websites at sinusundan ang mga flow charts na pwede mo'ng orderin. mga tipong one macchiatto frappucino, decaf, unsweetened, coffee based grande. kung anong lasa nun? ayus naman... dahil sa katotohanan naman tulad ng beer, kahit hindi naman talaga masarap ang iniinom, napapainom ka pa rin dahil ang habol ay hindi kung ano ang pinapasok mo sa bibig mo kundi ay yung lumalabas dito at ang mga naririnig ng mga tenga mo: "its the talk," pare. ika nga ng isang kaibigang na nagwawala kapag nakainom at nagsisisi sa mga ginagawa kinaumagahan pero umiinom pa rin.

mahirap ideconstruct ang mga tao sa loob ng mga coffee shop lalo pa't unti-unti na itong nagiging kulturang popular. kahit mga pulubi paboritong tambayan na rin ang mga coffee shop at iniinom ang kung anuman ang natitira sa mga naiwang basyo. dito na rin sila nagkwekwentuhan, nagyoyosi at namamalimos. believe it or not, mahiwaga ang mga coffee shops. para ka'ng pumapasok sa ibang dimensyon kapag nakatengga ka dito. sabi nga ni bob ong, kapag pumapasok ka ng starbucks, seattle's best o anuman coffee shop, dinadala ka nito sa new york, paris, london at iba pang lugar maliban sa pilipinas...

o di ba, parang tanga lang walang sense yung pinost ko... hahaha!

the sound of the busy streets

in these busy streets where everything seem to be in fast pace. all of us are bombarded with so many things. yet we are just focus on where we are heading, how to get there and what to do there. in effect, we fail to notice many simple things that make us realize how and what life really is.

yesterday was my off and i was able to get off my usual routine. ofcourse, with the help of one good soul. i went for dinner in antipolo, based from the suggestions of friends that the place will definitely remind me of baguio that it really did. then we went to ortigas, grab a large cup of coffee and an early breakfast.

while i was on my way to start the adventure, i decided to partially shut off my focus on what i am seeing and focused my senses on what i will just hear, just for a change, i thought. i really didn't mind if i am already late or what.

"friend, ano ba yan?! ang tigas na naman ng utong ko. ang kapal na nga ng bra na sinuot ko bakat pa rin. punyeta talaga dahil ang sakit niya!"
-sabi isang babae sa kasama niya habang naglalakad sa department store at inaayos ang loob ng bra.

"good evening mam, good evening sir. welcome to burgoo!"-sabi ng waitress sa tapat ng nasabing kainan. halatang kanina pa siya nakatayo at sumisigaw dahil wala na ang masiglang ngiti sa mukha niya na lagi kong nakikita tuwing umaga.

"naku, punta na ako abroad pagkatapos nito. wala akong mapapala dito. magpapakayaman muna ako tapos saka na ako magiging makabayan."-sabi ng isang nursing student sa kapwa niya estudyante, mula sa isang unibersidad sa recto. batay sa uniformeng suot nila habang nakasakay sa LRT2.

"ano ba yan? bakla ka'ng naturingan, pero isa pa lang ang natsutsupa mo."-sabi ng isang lalaki sa kaopisinang bakla sa jolibee- emerald.

"pupunta ka singapore tapos magtratrabaho ka. sabihin na nating 50000-60000 ang swe-swelduhin mo pero ang gastos mo malaki din. e di ganun lang din yun. tapos malalayo ka pa sa pamilya mo. huwag na uy!"-sabi ng isang call center agent sa mga katrabaho habang kumakain sa mcdo sa ortigas.

"nakita mo na ba yung bagong billboard ni dingdong dantes sa guadalupe... ang LAKI na naman. feeling ko kapag nalaos siya tiyak may career siyang babagsakan. babalik na naman ang ST at i can't wait!"-sabi ng isang grupo ng mga graveyard shift workers na pauwi ng umagang iyon.

" cogeo! cogeo! tatlo pa! tatlo pa! konting usog lang po. madami pa dyan sa kanan! makikiayos lang po! ( some pinoy rap song in the background)"-sigaw ng nagmamadaling barker na alive na alive pa rin kahit gabi na.

"hindi ko alam, tingin ko, yung greatest fantasy ko siguro ay yung gagawa din ng sweetest thing na maeexperience ko sa isang relasyon---kasi so far, wala pa."-sagot ng isang nilalang na nagpass sa tanong na what is your greatest fantasy?. subalit sinagot ang tanong na, what is the sweetest thing, a lover did to you? sa isang laro ng 20 questions.

"gggggrrrraaaaakkkkk..."-ang nakakagulat na tunog ng tiyan ng batang nakatayo sa harapan at hinihingi ang siopao na kinakain ko habang naghihintay ng masasakyan.

now, i am commuting makati

yup, i know. it has been a while since i last posted something. but believe me, sometimes long silence can tell us that something happened and changed.
all of us has our own principles in life. regardless, if this may be political, social, cultural or personal and even how we hold on to it, may also vary depending upon lots of things.
***
recently, i had a long four day off in school due to the typhoon, our professor not attending class again and the manila day celebration. but despite the typhoon that struck, this didn't slow me down. at the middle of hard rain and strong winds, i managed to get out of my place and went to patty's birthday party in a nearby restaurant, had coffee and talked until the break of dawn. this is how brave a law student could be after knowing there will be no classes the next day.

monday, i met some friends and accompanied them for a job application in makati. fortunately, we passed the first interview and scheduled us the next day at 8am for our exams and hopefully, our final interview.
after makati, i went to tomas morato and met some of my former blockmates for a drinking spree. before i realized that these guys were up to no good again.
in my former block, i was the only person who haven't gone drunk yet. thus, my blockmates suggested we drink hard after only-god-knows how many buckets of beer. as usual, i declined. for empoy or brandy never really pleased my alcoholic throat.
so one of them proposed a dare: if i beat the three of them first in a bottoms up round, they'll be my neophyte for a week. but if one of them beats me, we'll go for hard drinks. unfortunately, i lost after two rounds from a former schoolmate in baguio. so we went to another blockmate's condo in manila and feasted two long neck bottles of brandy. just imagine, the brandy shot was taller than the chaser. wasn't it dead fishy?
it was already 4am, when i already felt really dizzy and told them i have to go because of my job application by 8am. but they insisted me to stay. but i insisted more. until they decided to stand infront of the door and not allow me to go out. my persistence then became physical and then they retaliated with violence until it became brutal.
at the middle of the wrestle, i felt a bit of difficulty in breathing. then it became deep and loud. for the first time in my life, i experienced asthma. then my blockmates got worried. someone already carried me over to his car and insisted that he'll bring me to a hospital, since no one has a nebulizer that time. but i insisted that i am okay and all i need is a ride home. after a long breathless argument, i managed to persuade them.
everything was still moving by the time i stepped out of the car. i waived my goodbyes to them and approached the gate. on my surprise, i can't find my keys. even my earing was also missing. probably because of the wrestle. so embarassingly, i knocked, woke and asked my land lord to open the gate and door for me. by the time, i reached bed, everything went black and there's nothing else that i could remember.
it was already 11am in the morning when i woke up. in my surprise, there were almost hundreds of sms and missed calls from two of my friends, asking me where the hell i am?
i immeditely stood out of bed, even remembered feeling that i was about to fall because of hangover.
i took a cab that brought me to makati. i literally run inside the building. i told the staff in charge that i wasn't able to go to the scheduled exam and interview time because of some family emergencies. fortunately, they bought my alibi considering the bloodshots that i still have in my eyes.
i finished 8 long exams while struggling to carry two heavy eyes and breaking head. after the exam, the staff told me to come back again after an hour for my final exam. it was just then, that i learned that the two of my friends didn't make it.
then the final interview, while i was being interviewed, i noticed that everything went a pace slower: understanding the question, formulating an answer and even how i answer the questions was slow. nonetheless, i bagged it. a job offer was given to me after the interview. a job offer that made me awoke for a moment because of the pay that i am about to get. it was almost 80% greater than my previous pay plus the benefits and allowances were also unexpected.
the staff directed me to a cube to read the contract. although still amazed with the offer, something struck me at the back of my head.
***
then i thought of my principle and the word practicality. a clash between the two words began. both, in which, controling my decision to sign or not to sign the contract. i began to see myself when i was in college as my principles pull the templates of each slide. while my practicallity just triggered my brain to focus its senses into my buttocks and feel my thining wallet.
principle over practicality for me is not a simple issue. aside from the fact that i dont like the taste of my own pride, i feel that a part of me got embarass and/or died.
the pen never felt that heavier while i was signing the contract. my bumness status finally ended.
***
that night, i went back to patty's place to greet her again. despite the still not seizing hang over. in my surprise, she asked me, " bakit ganyan ang amoy mo? ang lakas, uminom ka ba?"




instead of answering the question, i felt worried and began asking myself as well!

soulmates: a mere thought myth(?)

once, there was an ancient myth that tells that when the first humans were created, they were of two heads, four arms and four limbs. they have lived harmoniously together with other beings that were created. then one day, they've became very curious about things and began to learn. the humans learned faster than the rest. until they became rationale about things and thus, assigned to rule over all creations.
unfortunately, being rationale has its own toll over those who possesses it.
the humans started arguing with one another for having two heads that have minds that think separately and differently. the arguements became endless and affected everything. havoc was first experienced by all.
to resolve the problem, the creator decided to split them in half. so that both minds were free to do what they think and want to. from there, freewill was given. but the moment it happened, they felt something they haven't felt before. they felt so incomplete inside. then they learned that the only heart they both share was also split in half. for the first time, they felt sadness and loneliness. it was miserable.
both pleed their creator to put them as one again and promised not to argue anymore. but the creator insisted that it was the consequence they have to face.

from then on, humans were of one head, two arms, two limbs and half of a heart and forever searching for their other half.

***

probably if there is one thing that is of no scientific basis that i can believe into other than an omnipotent being free of institutional chains, it will be soulmates.
it is hilariously mushy to think how most of us tend to invent ways in determining our soulmates. most of us, ask for signs, consult psychics and even pathetically light a candle infront of a mirror at midnight just to know our better halves. embarassingly enough, i am one of them (you).
after being in a number of relationships, i always asked myself, is this it? sometimes i even asked, if my other half has already passed or is it just about to come? how will i know if its already there?
some friends tell me that it will just come and you just have to wait. but then again, what if its already beside me and i am still waiting, will there be bells ringing above me telling me that it is already my better half?
well, probably nobody really can tell. its a matter of us really to find out.

last night, after class, i had dinner with my former blockmates in san beda in mister kebab.
in my surprise, what i thought to be a usual dinner, full of memories turned out to be a revelation i would never forget.
isko, one of my blockamates and happened to be a schoolmate form baguio as well, confessed to us that he is single again after a three-year relationship with her girlfriend. at first, i thought it was probably one of his antics. but when he told us the details in full conviction of sincerity, i almost dropped my jaw on the table.
after that night, it came to me that time no matter how long, will not always be the determining factor in saying if one already met his/her match: that it could only prepare us for what is still ahead. in addition, there are also situations that regardless of how one efforts and forces him/herself to work things out, if its not meant to be, it will never go through. its like pieces of a puzzle. no matter how you force a piece on a slot, if its not the right piece, it will never complete the picture.
probably, soulmates are one of life's greatest mysteries. a labrynth that everyone is oblige to enter, learn and unravel. that despite the time and effort you put into it there are still no assurance that you are heading to the right way. as of now, all of us are still drafting our own maps and this happens to be mine. from which, the only thing that i can hope for, is that the other half of my map is also about to lead its owner to its other part.

what the world needs: in celebration of our independence and my mum's bewtdey

"all we need is love to make the world a more peaceful place to live in," as the clicheic beauty pageant answer goes. but i believe, otherwise.

recently, i've received an email message regarding some of the topics on my blog. good thing, he identified himself as an acquianted friend at the end of the message for i thought that i am beginning to receive hate mails (naks!).
he asked me that if i (would) promote social deviances, am i not propagating criminal acts or even anarchy for that matter?
the question hit me hard and honestly, for a while i felt guilty thinking that probably in an unconscious or indirect way, i am indeed already doing it. but my defensive side never fails to surprise me.
i thought that although, illegal acts are not always immoral acts and vise versa, it could not be denied that most of these prohibitions and acceptance are anchored upon how a society establishes its morals.
morals are not universal. they are bound in-context of the culture of a particular society. therefore, social deviances like incest, homosexuality, abortion and the like maybe prohibited in one and maybe accepted in another. everything is in question of who and in whose interest were morality created.
probably you are already as lost as i am. so let's try breaking it down using one of the symposia (drinking discussions as literally defined in greek) i had with some friends.
a friend raised that, if abortion is accepted or atleast legalized and/or morally accepted, it is inevitable that the explosion of sexual diseases like AIDS or HIV may happen. such could even beat the bird flue pandemia. she even pictured an entire block holding a non-stop banging rave parties (how graphic). in which every house is competing for the record of last house banging or standing without even thinking of any additional baggage the next day.
(aside from broken hearts for some, ofcourse," i added.)
i answered, "if you'll think of it, such are sensationalized assumptions. for they will happen or already happening even without abortion, or homosexuality or incest or what not being legalized or accepted,

i believe that what the world needs is to learn how to respect free will. "

bringing out the prodigal christian in me, i rememebered one of the lessons in our cathecism class. our teacher once told us that the best gift that god gave us, next to his son, was free will. although ofcourse, we are bound to our own mistakes and it is inevitable to create one under the standards of morality again. i think that we are entitled to our own choices provided that we will not directly cross another's.
i know for some, its not easy to embrace because of various factors that they are reared and raised upon. but atleast for me that is what i think about life: living in and by your choices, learning to your mistakes and enjoying the lessons you have gained from it up until the end or if it would even stop.


*
hampey bewtdey MAMA.

frustrations in the world of the un(der)employed

i am now beginning to believe that it is not always true when people say that one has a greater chance to his/her future with a good education. because in reality, a diploma and probably a couple of years of working experience are still not enough to shield you against life's frustrations.

there are even times when i asked myself, if i am just too picky with work? or if i failed to realize that life is not always the way i want it to be. But then why behind these questions, i can't stop myself from asking: then, what is this degree that i've proudly strived and earned for? is it a matter of a wrong juvenile decision when i was about to enter college?or a fatal mistake because i've followed my own passion rather than what the market demands?

it is really frustrating to know that here in the country, every person's ambition when they were kids are usually not the profession they end up with. such jobs are either not available in the work force or pay way less to support one's everyday expenses. because in the real world, there is no room for fairytale-like dreams and passions. it is only the market that matters. moreover, it is even more depressing to know that it is actually other countries who dictate what our life would be.

although sometimes i envy those people who take board and bar exams: those who blinds the street with their white uniforms: yuppies who wear neck ties and in formal attires: and most especially to those who landed on their dream jobs. because atleast they've become use of it.

if only somebody can tell me where i can buy a ticket to my dream job destination. then i'll be more willing to bring back the hope of getting my last pay and give it to them. but until now, i still don't know what i really want to do in life---a problem every sponatenous people has to think about for the sake of their future.
so help me god! (see im also beginnging to go back to my religion. now, that's frustration my friend!)

the wizard of us

"everything is entirely different from what most people thinks and dreams about love. there are times when i wish that i was tinman from wizard of oz. atleast, he doesn't have a heart to feel this."

i was stunned and put into deep thoughts when a friend told me this line. we never talked something as mushy as this. thus, the rareness of such conversation would actually tell me that it was something serious.

he confessed to me that he tried being more experimental into new things when he went here in manila. he swinged from one relationship to another. he hooked himself not only to one person among parties and gatherings that he have religious attended every night. he broke his girlfriend's heart, which happens to be a close friend too, in exchange of all these. but it didn't take him that long, before he have realized, and to quote him, that he made his life more miserable.

now, another person has offered love to him and asked him to move in. he accepted the place. but he still didn't give his commitment.

i asked, why?

he answered, he no longer have any love to give. thus, he cannot promise anything anymore other than friendship.

i wanted to make an arguement with him. but i thought probably i am not the only person he have talked to about this. his friends might already argue, advised and persuaded him about the same things that i am going to say to him. then thats when i've realized that probably he only needed somebody that would listen to him. somebody that would respect his decision and still accept him whatever happens.

without another word from his lips, i told him that i just wish him all the happiness he is ought.

***
a week ago, a friend called me from abroad that lasted more than a couple of hours. by the time i heard the tone of her voice, i knew that she is in it again, depression.

she frequently gets depression attacks and already taking medication for it. but sometimes even the strongest dosage wouldn't take its toll for somebody who is living alone in a country, in which most of the people, would just answer her, yes or no, without completely understanding what she've just said. she was craving for a sensible chat.

along the two hour talk, i learned that it was not only the lack of conversation that made her depressed that night. like the previous one, it was about lovelife again.

basically, she couldn't commit herself to another guy because of various considerations. although she admits that she do like(love) the guy, she just couldn't because of the consequences she foresees.

i told her that she might be over analyzing things again, like she normally does. although they are indeed sensible, logical and very intellectual, sometimes those realizations are too soap operish and melodramatic to happen in real life. thus, it hinders her (or us) to make one bold step forward and to take a risk in commiting in a relationship.

oprah once said, "the smartter the people is, the more likely s/he will have a relationship." well in a way, she might be right. because in thinking to much about commiting we tend to eliminate the importance of our own instict, which for most people is the basic point of this emotion we call loving.

after the conversation, i was trying to thrust out in me the question of who is better in love? is it the tinman without a heart or the scarecrow without a brain? or probably the lion who has no courage that i failed to relate a story with?

some may come up with the lamest arguements such as the reason why the brain is put above the heart is for us to know that it is better to rationalize than to follow your emotions. some would even contest it with even lamer ideas such as it is the heart that should be followed because it symbolizes love.

but for me, to top it all, when i fall in love, i make sure i am lying flat. so atleast both the brain and the heart is on the same level. well, talking about the lamest idea. huh?!

a good start for my back-to-bum-life

what happened yesterday would probably be the first (hopefully, not the last) productive event that happened after i resigned from work.

early part of last month, a friend from baguio invited me to pass an essay for a video documentary seminar by a local documentary show. in which, only 80 applicants will be chosen. he told me he was interested in joining and wanted somebody to tag along. being the "kaladkarin" friend, i tried sending an essay too regarding their topic: what is you favorite documentary episode of the show, and my resume.

jerik, the friend who needed somebody to tag along.

honestly, i was not a religious viewer of the show. since my heart, like my entire family are faithful for the other network, so i really thought of an episode (and i mean really hard) of one that really marked something in me.

then i thought of this episode titled, sa paglipad ng mga gintong paru-paro, a video documentary about the life of comfort gays during WW2 and common old gays, living in a home for the aged institution. it was a nice choice. since gender issues are one of my fortes (naks!).

basically, the thought of the essay that i passed ran like this:

probably one of the greatest fear of homosexuals is to think of one self when s/he grow old. although i know that some would argue that it is something that is being feared by everyone. regardless if s/he is a heterosexual or homosexual. but i think, that in a society like the philippines, where the right of a homosexual to have a family of his/her own through marriage, is not recognize, there is a higher possibility that they would end up being in a retirement institution. In which there, they would just end up waiting for their sun to set and the worst of all---alone. but this episode had boldly entered such stories that most documentaries has failed to capture and showcase. probably because the target topic was not the majority of the general audience, it is unconventional, immoral or what not.

anyhow, the seminar was really informative, fun and fulfilling.

informative in the sense that i was able to know the basics jargons and technicalities of video documentary. i learned how to make a video research (that was quite different from the research that we do on my field) scriptwrite, shoot (i love!) and video editing (i need!).

i think it was fun. although there were no actual games conducted (which i really keep on looking forward into because of the prizes), they've gave away some prizes such as complete dvd set of there winning documentaries and pins, provided that you'll be able to answer the trivia questions about their show (probably by now, you know that i didn't win anything huh?! )

it was fun because i had a good time listening and jotting down notes or probably it was just because i miss shool. nonetheless, i had fun. period!

fulfilling, because if there was something i felt productive (aside from my blog, pieces and drinking with friends) over the past year this was it! aside from this, it was all stomach fulfilling! now and then, food was serve to us. just imagine the merienda. it was a large size famous commercial halo-halo with asado siopao. athough both were weird combination, it was still a feast!

but if there was one thing that i didn't like about that seminar was some of the participants. there were participants who were so ackwardly being pa-bibo and asking questions just for the sake of having questions (not related with the discussions). as if, they thought that there will be a job offer that would be given to them by the time the seminar finishes. i just can't stop myself from getting goosebumps once the mic was on to them.

but all in all it was indeed a good start for my back-to-bum-life!

and now, since i don't have much to do, i beginning to have a habit of looking for some seminars like this online again. hahaha!

choose happiness

well, its been a long time since i've last posted something. but don't worry it has been for a good cause---or so i thought. after hundreds of post regarding my work, now, i could finally say that i am an official bum again.
yes, over the weekends after posting the last entry and tons of soul searching-as cliche as it could be, i have finally decided to quit work.
i didn't go to work for the last two days now and by tomorrow i am going there again( for the last time, isupposed) just to pass my resignation letter to my immediate supervisor. i know, i'll be needing to expect lots of compromissions and sweet talks again. but it would be different this time around. for i really stand firm about my decision of resigning.
i have already informed some of my close friends about it and even my family: and probably your guess is as good as mine about the first question they've asked: what are your plans now?
well, i will stick with my original plans of still pursuing law. in what school? with regard to what school? that is still something i really need to think about. nonetheless, it would still be at the top of my priorities.
second, i'll still be working. basically, because when i was in my first year whereas, i was still a fullt ime law student, i really couldn't imagine myself spending the rest of my 5 or more years sitting infront of law books memorizing and analyzing rigid text. i will still be screwing my self with work and studies at the same time.
where? that is something you need to watch for. but rest assured or as much as possible it would not be the same line of work that i previously had. because that would forfeit the purpose of everything that i have did for the past couple of days.
today, if there is one thing i am really looking forward to, that would be hitting the beach without thinking that i need to be in manila by the end of the weekend. i really miss the feeling and i am not going to put every second of it to waste. before the real and serious thing happens again this coming june.
finally, if there is one thing i have realized for the past days that would be, chosing and taking happiness is not always an easy thing to do because there are bunch of considerations that you need to consider. but with the proper attitude, timing, plans and guts eventually everything would just fall into their proper places.

what incest and uly is telling me...

the other night, uly came up with another good conversation after a long time of exchanging "hi's" and "hello"s" over sms. he is from up los baños and a batch younger than me. we are friends for over a couple of years now and i must say he is one of the few good conversationalist you'll ever text with. although sometimes, he has the tendencies of monopolizing the conversation. focusing only unto himself, his crushes and work, which i have later constructively addressed and positively accepted. what i like about the friendship we have is we take everything as objective as possible.
probably because we happen to be in the same university and same college. although different in campus and school of thought. although he is an economist while i am a social anthropologist. i could say, that we could jive on the same beat.
then, the other night, he challenged me for a sociological discourse.
he asked me, "why is there incest?"
"i can say that incest is a universal relationship deviced across all societies and time. generally, it serves for a more practical purpose of preservation. in terms of class, genes (mana) and wealth," i answered.
"is there actual cases of incest in the country?" he followed up.
"of course, although there are limited studies of such, there are essential number of incest cases in ilocos, chinoys and some muslim groups in mindanao."
"why so?"
"well, my theory is because of land and wealth preservation among some ilocanos and chinese-filipino groups. while for some muslim groups in mindanao, it is brought about by being polygamous in the discourse of marriage."
then he thought of his good looking cousin that he kept on rubbing about for over a couple of months now. i could already feel that his thoughts were beginning to be go the other way from what i am trying to point out. then i just thought it's not uly without those thoughts. sometimes we just have to be contended of what we have because not all things would go the way we wanted it or them to be.