the struggle: from top to bottom and everything else in the middle

many would argue that men are innately driven for power. they struggle for a position that would be above than the rest of his fellow. he seeks power to influence other, wealth to provide his material decandence and fame to satisfy his ego.politics is personal and personal is politics, as my activist friends used to say. no person can actually claim that they are apolitical because in everything that we do, politics is involve. the way we are designated in the dining table, how we ride the mrt and even in having sex.

earlier, my attention was caught, as usual, by mugen's post entitled the catcher. it dwelled upon the story of his friend who was thinking about giving up his ass to his partner. but the thing was both of them were top.
the first time, i encountered the term top, was during the time dianne and i were doing our thesis in college. i must admit, i was surprised when i first heard it from our respondents. there was this spark that triggered the interest in me, as if an itch craving to be understood.

kenchie and joar are partners for almost 3 years during that time. kenchie is a frat man taking up engineering. while joar was a former nursing students, who stowed away from home in isabela after his family knew about his sexuality. the former is couple of years younger than the latter. and thanks to a local internet chatting room in baguio, they met.

at first look, you'll say that both of them could probably good friends. i even mistook them as ordinary customers when i entered the internet cafe, where i was told by dianne to meet them. after introducing myself and the purpose of my interview, i was surprise, when they started the interview in the middle of the place.

"whats with the shock? we haven't told you anything yet," kenchie asked me.

"aren't we going somewhere more silent and discreet? i am just concern because most of the questions i have our quite personal."

"don't worry. most of the patrons here are our friends and also chatters, so its okay," joar answered.

"excuse me for being such an amature researcher," i said to myself. so we proceeded.

in the start, i felt that the interviewer was more uncomfortable than the interviewees. but later on, the discomfort subsided and found myself throwing questions spontaneously. it was indeed an enlightening one. i realized that conversations with strangers are probably one of the most unforgetful and meaningful talk one will ever have in his/her lifetime.

then we finally reached the issue of sex. i decided not to prepare any questions for it to avoid personal intrusions. i thought of just letting them talk and probably pick up random questions from there. after a while, kenchie introduced himself as the top while joar as the bottom. then joar immediately reacted that he is versatile. kenchie laughed. i told them i am completely clueless. then they both laughed. i even heard a couple of other customers giggled at my back. the discomfort returned. i just hate that feeling that everybody knows something except me.

fortunately, joar was kind enough to explain what top, bottom and versatile mean. based from him, the top portrays the male part on the intercourse. bottom as the female counterpart. while versatile can do both. then everything made sense. so they continued.

while kenchie was talking, i then recalled on how joar reacted when he was introduced as the bottom. i immediately felt the stigma and connotation of the word to him. it was the exact same feeling from the other set of respondents i met, prior to them. the first insisted he was bisexual than gay. while the other claims he is gay than "bakla". while some also claimed that they are straight who are just curious and looking for good time. i never realized the plurality and complexities of such terms until i decided to do that research. as if every character and letter of the word signifies meanings that could either defend or destroy one.

from there, my interest began to widen. as if our topic gave birth from one thing to another: from stereotypes, to homophobia, to virtual sanctuaries, to internal homophobia and to this, power struggles among gay partners.

it is interesting to note that even among gay homosexuals, the image of the man is still seen as above from the rest, that it is favorable, advantageous and powerful than those who possesses or even at the very least just portrays the "role" and the characteristics of a woman, that on this view is seen as weak, vulnerable and exploitable.

having this in mind, while i am writing this, i wondered, is it possible for patriarchy to evolve to another form from the one we use to know? if this is true, then is it also posible that what homosexuals are experiencing now are just the tip of the discrimination that is ahead of them? or is it more hurtful than being discriminated by fellow homosexual?

i may not be perfectly aware of this or probably i am just over analyzing things again. but if there is one thing that i am sure of, that is the fact that labels and roles don't justify what a person is. for a person is ought to define him/herself alone.

***
a couple of hours later after reading mugen's post, i sent him a message regarding it. then he replied with a simple line, its all about power struggle, wiwik.

then i finally realized that he has a point and that we were actually coming from two entirely different perspectives. when i was thinking too much about the bigger arena, he was actually coming from a smaller and more intimate space.

it is given that man seeks power over to his fellow. but the theory overturns when love enters the equation. if a person indeed loves someone, regardless of preference, s/he is "willing" to sacrfice his/her position despite of the doubt and possible hurt ahead. simply because s/he is loving---

and this basically, what makes love special.

***
probably, the summer heat is already draining all my emoness dry and i need some refilling again. hahaha!
and no, dabo, yours is an exception. you have a immeasurable source of it, for you are thy the perpetual and ever-immaculate one. peace out!