virgin daw si jim

*isang minadaling writing exercise about homo-erotic fiction.

"virgin pa po kasi ako, kuya."

sus. kung makailang beses ko nang narinig 'to. at madalas, kinukumbinsi ko na lang ang sarili ko na maniwala. sa tinagal-tagal ko sa pagpunta dito, alam ko na kung sino ang nagsisinungaling at nagsasabi ng totoo. kungsabagay, totoo man o hindi ang sinasabi ni jim, kantot pa din ito para sa akin.

nakilala ko si jim sa internet. bagong graduate daw siya at galing sa probinsya. kaya naman, nakuha niya agad ang atensyon ko. at lalo akong nanabik nang makita ko ang picture niya. as usual, katawan lang. moreno at matipuno. pero halatang batak sa bukid o dagat. ganun na ganun ang tipo ko. wala na akong pakialam kung anong itsura ng mukha. hindi na naman mahalaga ang itsura kapag tag-libog ka, di ba? bonus na lang talaga kung gwapo.

nagkusa na akong bumili ng condom at lube sa convenient store na napagkasunduan namin. nagpanigurado na din ako ng gatorade. hindi na din naman kasi ako bumabata at ayaw ko namang mapahiya. pagkaubos nang iniinom ko, sakto naman ang dating niya. at tama nga ang horoscope sa dyaryo, sweswertehin daw ako sa araw na ito.

magandang lalaki si jim. mapungay ang mga mata, na halata mong kinakabahan; mayabang ang ilong, at higit sa lahat, mapula ang labi, na parang may sasabog na gatas kapag kinagat mo. tang' ina lalong lumakas ang pitik sa loob ng brief ko.

kaya dumiretso na kami sa kalapit na motel. tahimik lang si jim habang papunta kami duon. "ayos to ah," sabi ko sa sarili ko.

ayaw ko kasi ng madakdak bago makipagseks, nawawalan ako ng gana. para sa akin, saktong seks trip lang. ayokong nakikipagkwentuhan dahil hindi naman ako naghahanap ng kaibigan. nababad-trip din ako kapag nakakarinig ng kulot o twang. kaya mas okay na yung tahimik.

pagpasok sa kwarto, dumiretso agad ako sa kama. umupo sa gilid at nagtanggal ng medyas at sapatos. habang nakatayo lang si jim sa harap ko at nakatitig sa akin. hindi ko napigilang mapatawa. halatang hindi nga siya sanay sa ganito. kaya sinunggaban ko na.

tumayo ako, diniretso ang kanyang labi at agad hinanap ang kanyang dila. siguro laway na niya ang pinakamatamis sa lahat nang natikman ko. bigla ko tuloy naalala ang probinsiya.

sinagot din naman agad ako ni jim ng halik. naalala ko'ng, parang nag-espadahan ang mga dila namin sa loob ng kanyang bibig. maya-maya'y marahan kong sinipsip ang dila niya dahil sa pagkagigil. napaungol naman siya sa ginawa ko hanggang sa napansin ko'ng siya na mismo ang nagpapasok ng dila niya sa bibig ko--- mukhang nawili ang binata.

dahan-dahan kong tinaas ang kanyang tshirt. pagkahubad, sandali ko munang pinagmasdan ang katawan niya. pagkatapos ay lihim na napamura. nang makita ko ang matigas niyang mga utong, linantakan ko agad yung nasa kanan . napaliyad si jim at napahigpit ang pagkakasabunot sa akin. lalong lumakas ang pag-ungol niya ng simulan ko'ng laru-laruin ang kanyang utong ng aking dila. pabilog-bilog, taas-baba at marahang sinisipsip. tang' ina ang unang salitang narinig ko sa kanya. pero ang sarap pakinggan nu'n tuwing sinasabi niya. ang macho lang ng boses; malalim at garagal. lalo talaga akong ginanahan.

hindi na din naman napigilan ni jim na abutin ang dibdib ko. hinanap ang matigas ko na ding mga utong at pinaglaruan. ginagaya ng kanyang mga daliri kung paano ko siya dinidilaan. naisip ko'ng para akong teacher at siya ang estudyante ko.

maya-maya'y bumaba na ang labi ko mula sa pagitan ng kanyang matigas na dibdib, pababa sa kanyang tiyan. medyo natagalan pa nga ako sa bandang iyon. nakakakiliti kasi sa mukha ang manipis na karog na gumuhit mula sa ilalim ng kanyang pusod patungo sa ilalim ng kanyang brief. may kagat na ang halik ko sa katawan niya, hanggang tuluyan na din siyang napahiga sa kama.

hindi ko na matandaan kung ako o si jim ang nagtanggal ng aming pantalon. basta ang alam ko, light blue ang brief na suot niya, dahil tandang-tanda ko kung papaano sumilip ang dulo ng ulo ng kanyang sandata sa loob nu'n. parang humahalagpos mula sa masikip na garter; parang asong nakatali, nagmamakaawang palayain at naglalaway. tang' ina, ang lakas ng pre-cum ni jim. akala mo naiwang gripo sa lababo.

dahan-dahan kong binaba ang brief niya. seryoso, nagulat ako sa nakita ko. parang nagtaas-baba ang mga kamay ko sa isang malaking tubo na hindi mo alam kung nasaan ang magkabilang dulo. nagtuloy-tuloy ako sa pagbayo habang pinagmamasdan ko kung papaano mabaliw sa harap ko si jim.

bawat parte ng katawan niya ay nakakagigil. at masasabi kong ngayon lang ako nalito ng ganito sa isang naka-sex eyeball. hindi ko alam kung ano ang pwedeng pagsabayin, kung ano pa ang pwedeng haplusin at lamasin habang binabayo ko siya. ito yung mga pagkakataon na iniisip mong sana kasing dami ng daliri mo ang kamay mo pero dapat ay mas madami pa din ang labi mo. parang walang hindi masarap kay jim. sisimutin mo hanggang sa pinakadulo at kasingit-singitan.

maya-maya'y, bigla akong tinulak ni jim pahiga ng kama. agad niyang binaba ang brief ko at sinubo ang aking alaga. ang init ng loob ng bibig niya. parang binababad sa maligamgam na tubig ang titi ko. may manaka-nakang sumasabit ang ngipin niya pero ayos na din. hinablot ko ang kanyang buhok at binayo nang binayo ang kanyang mukha. hindi naman tumanggi si jim kaya lalo ko pang binilisan ang pagbayo. halos mapasigaw ako sa sarap.

"tang' ina ang sarrraaaaappp!"

lalong bumilis, sumasabay na si jim sa aking pagbayo.

para na akong lalabasan. parang madami-dami itong malalabas ko. gustong kong iputok sa mukha at lunurin si jim ng katas ko. pero masyadong maaga pa. gusto kong sulitin ang pagkakataon.

hinugot ko ang sandata ko mula sa bibig ni jim. pinahiga ko siya ulit. ako naman ang sumubo sa ari niya.

"taaaaannnggg' iiiinnnnaaaaa, tol!"

halos mangisay sa sarap si jim. binilisan ko na din ang pag tsupa.

linabas ko na ang isa sa mga secret technique ko: eight shallow, two deep.

lalong lumakas ang sigaw ng binata.

maya-maya'y kinuha ko ang biniling lube at pinahid sa daliri. mababaw at dahan-dahan kong pinindot ang tumbong ni jim. agad siyang napabangon.

"kuya, hindi ko po ata kaya yan."

"huwag ka'ng mag-alala daliri lang ito."

"hindi ko pa po kasi yan nasusubukan. natatakot ako."

lalo akong nanabik sa pagkumbinsi sa kanya.

"hayaan mo dadahan-dahanin ko saka sanay ako dito. sa una lang 'to masakit pero kapag nasanay ka na lalong sumasarap. sige na, pumayag ka na."

may pag-aalangan sa mukha ng binata.

"expert ako dito, huwag kang mag-alala. ako ang bahala sa iyo," tinapos ko ng isang matamis na pagkindat ang paninigurado ko sa kanya.

napangiti na lamang si jim at bumalik sa pagkakahiga.

agad kong sinubo ulit ang kanyang sandata. nagtaas-baba habang ginagalugad ng daliri ko ang mailap daw na butas niya. nang matagpuan yun, buong ingat ko'ng binagtas ang kanyang kasikipan. napaungol ang binata. bahagyang napausog siya papalayo sa akin nang sandaling naging marahas ako. mukhang kailangan ko'ng maging mas maingat.

mas mainit ang loob ng dakong iyon ng binata. mainit subalit malambot. animo'y nakilala ko ang isang panig ng kanyang pagkatao sa loob nun. lalo akong nananggigil, gusto ko siyang pasukin. gusto ko'ng angkinin ang kanyang unang karanasan. nais ko gawin itong isang karanasan 'di niya malilimutan. gusto ko'ng maalala niya ako.

nang maramdaman ko'ng relaks na ang kanyang loob, hinugot ko ang aking daliri at inabot ang biniling condom. biglang napabangon si jim sa kanyang pagkakahiga.

"huwag muna. hindi pa ako handa. hanggang daliri na muna, kuya," buo ang takot sa kanyang pakikiusap.

sandali akong napatingin sa mukha niya, at naging napakapamilyar ng tagpong iyon. parang bigla ko'ng nakita ang sarili ko sa kanya noon. noong una ko naman karanasan, sa isang lalaking hindi ko na matandaan ang mukha at pangalan. wala na akong nagawa kundi tumango.

dahan-dahan ko ulit siyang pinahiga. inabot ko ulit ang bote ng lube at nagpahid ng mas marami. mas naging madali na sa akin noon na hanapin ang kanyang namamasa ng butas. umungol ulit si jim pagpasok ng aking daliri. napaliyad sa kanyang pagkakahiga. napapikit. lalo ko tuloy nabilisan ang paglabas-loob sa kanya. lalong lumalakas ang kanyang pag-ungol.

"masarap ba jim? ha? sagutin mo ako? masarap ba, ha?!"

subalit ungol lang ang naging sagot sa akin ng binata.

naisip ko'ng ipuslit ang isa ko pa'ng daliri. binilisan ko lalo para hindi niya mapansin. inabot ko na ang kanyang nanlalambot na sandata at binayo din ito. nagsimula na niya akong tawagin.

"kkkkuuuuyyyyyaaaa, ttttaaaaannnngggg' iiiiinnnaaa. kuuuyaaa!"

halos maputol ang kanyang litid sa katatawag sa akin. may sandaling parang gusto ko nang palitan ang aking pangalan. ironically, pakiramdam ko ang taas-taas ko habang minumura niya ako. parang ang galing-galing ko, parang ang lakas-lakas ko sa kanyang bawat pagsusumamo.

"kkkuuuyyyyaaa, annnngggg sssaaaaarrrrrraaaappp! ssssiiiiiggggeeee pppppaaaa!!!"

lumalawak na ang kanyang butas. talagang nag eenjoy na siya sa ginagawa ko. kaya sinubukan ko pa'ng magpuslit ng isa pa'ng daliri. lalong lumakas ang kanyang pag ungol at pag sigaw pagkatapos ay bigla siyang napahawak sa aking braso.

"kkkuuuyyyaaa, sandali lang para po akong mapupunit."

hininto ko siya sa kanyang ambang pagbangon.

"sige lang, masasanay ka din. malapit na 'to."

lalo ko pang binilisan ang pagbayo sa kanyang likuran.

"AH! kuya, mukhang lalabasan na po ako e, kuuuyyyaaa! kuya!"

ito na ang sandaling hinihintay ko. dumating na ako sa rurok ng aking pagnanasa para kay jim. tuluyan na akong nagpadaig sa aking panggigil. kaya naman lalo ko pang binilisan ang aking pagbayo mula sa kanyang harap at likuran.

"kkkkuuuyyyyaaaa, mukhang lalabasan na po talaga ako. hindi ko na kaya, kuya."

"sige lang, tang'ina ilabas mo yan. iputok mo lang! ok lang yan. ako ang bahala sa iyo."

sa una muling pagkakataon, gusto ko ulit makita ang pagsabog ng kainosentahan sa aking harapan. hindi man ito ang unang pagkakataon na may linabasan sa harapan ko. pero sa dalas ko'ng ginagawa ito, parang naging pare-pareho na lamang ang itsura at eksena ng lahat ng mga nakasiping ko.

subalit may kung anong kakaiba kay jim na labis akong nanggigil. sa una muling pagkakataon ay naranasan ko muli ang pakiramdam katulad noong una akong nakipagtalik sa kapwa ko lalaki. halos nailabas ko ata noon ang lahat ng katas ko sa loob ng aking katawan, at lagpas ulo nang sumabog.

gusto ko muling makita yun. gusto ko muling maranasan ang pakiramdam. kaya nagpatuloy ako sa pagbayo habang nagpatuloy naman si jim sa pagsumamo at lalong humigpit ang kanyang pagkakahawak sa aking braso.

"kkkkuuuyyyaaaa, aaanndddiiitttooo naaaaa, kuya!!!"

"tang'ina sige iputok mo!"

halos ikabaliw ko ang pagbayo kay jim. yun na marahil ang pinakamabilis na pagbayo na ginawa ko. mas mabilis pa sa ginagawa ko sa sarili ko.

"lalabas na talaga kuya. eto na..eto na..."

halos hindi na ako nakapaghintay, napako na lamang ang tingin ko sa kanyang harapan habang halos maglaho ang kamay ko sa kakataas-baba sa kanyang alaga. nag-aabang. naghihintay.

"eto na kuya, eeeeetttttoooooo nnnnnnaaaa...."

AYAN NAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

isang mainit at malapot na katas ang umagos sa aking kamay kasabay ng paghugot ng isang malalim na hininga si jim. malakas ang pagsabog ang nagawa ng binata. subalit hindi ito lumagpas sa kanya-kanya naming mga bunbunan. bagkus animo'y isang dakot ng magaspang na putik ang tumagas mula sa kanya, na may mas nakakasulasok na amoy, kaiba sa aking inaasahan. dahan-dahan ko'ng hinugot ang mga daliri ko mula sa kanyang pwerta. at duon tumambad, ang marahil, lahat ng kinain niya noong araw na iyon o mga nakalipas pa.

duon ko napatunayang, oo, tama. virgin nga si jim.

x

Naramdaman ko ang sandaling pagtigil ng oras nang magtagpo ang aming tingin, ni hindi ko nagawang iahon ang sarili mula sa pagkalunod sa lamlam at lalim ng kanyang mga mata, na tila may kung anong pwersa ang humihila sa akin papaloob, nang-uudyok pero hindi ko tiyak kung nakikiusap.

Madalas ko ng nakakasalubong ang lalaking yun. Sa tanda ko sa lugar na ito, tiyak kong hindi siya taga samin, maging si Nana Sela, ang pinakamatanda sa aming lugar ay hindi din siya kilala. Walang nakakaalam sa tunay na pagkatao ng lalaki o kung saan siya nagmula, kaya naman hindi na rin nakakapagtaka kung wala ding may alam sa kanyang pangalan. Kungkaya kinilala ko siya bilang X.

Di mapagkakailang matipuno ang katawan ni X, kitang-kita ang pagkabilog ng kanyang mga dibdib, na parang kayang sandalan maging ng mga pinakamamabigat na mga palad. Prominente rin ang mga makakapal na linyang gumuguhit sa kanyang bato-batong tiyan. Halos hindi ko nga napigilang sundan at isipin kungsaan nagtatagpo ang dalawang linyang mula sa kanyang mga tagiliran na sumisisid paloob sa kanyang saplot. Nakakapanggising ng loob ang itsura ng manipis na balahibong nakasabit sa pagitan ng kanyang pusod. Animo'y hinahalina at kinikiliti ang pisngi ko.

Hindi ako adventurous na tao subalit ng sandaling yun, nakadama ako ng kakaibang pagnanasang hubaran siya. Ipahid sa sariling katawan ang nakukuhumahid na likidong nanalaytay sa kanyang makisig na braso upang marating ang kanyang pinanggalingan. Buksan ang kanyang bibig at tikman ang kanyang laway nang maintindihan ang pait na kanyang linulunok bawat araw at siilin ng halik ang mga gapulgadang duming tumatakip sa kanyang walang putlang mukha.

Gusto ko siyang sumigaw, sumigaw ng ubod ng lakas hanggang mabingi ang aking isip. Gusto kong marinig ang kanyang boses at malaman kung gaano ito kalalim o katinis: Kung gaano ito kalakas o kahina. Gusto kong kainin ang kanyang tinig.

Nais kong saktan siya hanggang sa ibulyaw niya ang kanyang pangalan, na wala ni isang kaluluwang may alam. Nais kong ibunyag niya ang kanyang pagkatao, kahit sa pamamagitan noon ay marinig kong ang kanyang pagmamakaawang, alam kong kanyang kinikimkim. Gusto kong dukutin yun mula sa kanyang lalamunan.

Gusto ko siyang lumuha sa harapan ko, humagulgol na animo'y hindi na tatahan. Gusto kong makatiyak kung nakakaramdam pa siya, kung tao pa siya. Gusto kong ilabas niya lahat, isabog niya sa harap ko. Lunurin ako hanggang sa di na makahinga at mamatay kasama ng kalungkutan niya.

Subalit kailanman ay hindi huminto at nagpakilala sa akin si X. Patuloy lamang siya sa kanyang paglalakad na animo'y walang nakikita, nadadaanan o nakakasabay. Malayo ang isip, walang kibo at walang emosyon tulad ng ibang taong grasa.



*an attempt of combining erotic and social writing

metaporn: the casavan

unlike most caravans, welcomed by loud drum beats and excited cheers, they entered the town in the middle of the night almost crawling in silence.

the first pack looked among the far fetch parts of the town and signaled where they will try to build and hide their massive and colorful tents from the eyes of prejudice.
hopefully, the forest can keep a secret. atleast for days or for a week. before they will head back to uncertainty.

"how many rich, powerful and faceless people will haunt me this time? how many of them will i pray not to be part of who i am now?"this is the kind of life, Melissa grew up with and these are the thoughts she always asks to herself whenever serenity succumb her, whenever the wind is at peace and the ground is no longer shaking.

it draws smile on her lips whenever she looks at how trees stand still. how she can closely appreciate a flower or a scene without the fear of missing or not seeing it again. pathetic as it may sound but so far these are the only things she keeps pn looking forward in her life, that keeps her alive.

as a child, the only memories she can remember was waking up drowning underneath dull and moving colors. there were even times she can't help but to scream when she thinks of it. then the mistress will then shake back reality in her.
the mistress, although strict and brutal, trained her for everything she needs to know to become one of the best nymphs of the casavan, which she later on became.

when the fruit was already ripe to be harvested, the mistress handed her over a small red notebook. she was asked to write her life and the experiences of her fellow nymphs in it. as well as to carefully read and study the life scriptures of the nymphs before her. it was living tradition for people like them.
when the festivity of sounds roared in and the curtain was opened, she knew it was time. she knew everyone was dying to see her, how she will come out of that pool. soaked on rich coconut milk. how she will glide, swing and slide among the vines and shrubs of the most exoctic and most beautiful flowers known to man.
how she will drive everyone on the top of their desires.

when the show was over, papers were forwarded and put inside a jar. it contains how much she was worth to her spectators. when the biggest sum was called in, melissa knew where to go next and what she will do to make herself numb again (for the thousandth time).

inside the cabin, she slowly moved her face close to the man, who was wearing that same emotionless mask again. the picture that draws the power she very much hated. she then whispered to it and asked about its fantasies."i want you to be a diwata and make love to me," it answered.

then she moved away and pulled a thin sheet of cloth hanging in the ceiling.

she already knew what to do...

she is indeed the nymph of every desire...

she made the cloth danced in the air

and then to her body

until she was completely covered with it.



then she drew closer

closer...

and closer...

until she ordered the mask to pull it's end.
and in his surprise,

melissa's naked body '

was already

in front of him...



as if pleading.



to be continued.

a confession of a "gifted" friend

i am gifted.

but not in a mental way. i cannot paint like van gogh nor create tunes like beethoven. i cannot come up with complex formulas like einsten nor invent a life-changing device like edison.

perhaps, you can line me up with those so called mutants like in marvel or to that tv series, called heroes. but this gift is not something in my genes nor brought about by a certain radiation or chemical accident. i just simply woke up one morning, after a series of one night stands, feeling something different.

source

my sexual urge became stronger than ever, to a point were i cannot control it anymore. my sensual perception became keener even to the slightest of details. and my physical endurance became way longer. i felt that i can even run on the thread mill for hours without any hint of catching my breath. it was as if i am on to any challenge and confident that i will beat any man by miles.

so the same night, i tried putting my gift into the test. coincidentally, it was saturday and every potential guinea pig is going to that one place.

as i entered the room, for the first time, i saw a thin wave of pink transluscent beam being emitted by my body and it flew across the entire bar. in an instant, i just noticed everyone was looking at me and started making their own moves just to catch my attention.

a guy in his early twenties, wearing a blue body hugging shirt and a pair of dreamy eyes, approached me as he groove in the most seductive dance i have ever seen. he was literally making love with the dance floor. he continously jumped from a low squat and repeated it in counts. then he suddenly reached me.

in my usual state, i could have avoided looking at him from the start, from the very moment he waved his body like a cheap pole stripper. but the gift overpowered my preference. i started dancing with him on the ledge while everyone started giving us space. i've never thought i have those moves in me all along and i could see in my expectators' eyes that they were craving a piece of me too.

then the beam coming out of me became thicker and thicker as i strot my hips in every beat. the aura i am emiting was driving everyone crazy like i've just farted the strongest drop of an irresistable fermone. until the next thing i knew, the guy was already dragging me inside a dark smoky room.

he aggresively took my face. his hands were becoming insatiably warmer as he pressed it harshly deeper on my cheeks. while i could see in his eyes, that the once dreamy pair of black balls were nothing more than a pair of dark and deep abyss. he was no longer thinking. his urge had finally overpowered him. i told myself, i already have him and this will be easy.

source

but the moment he took over me and i closed my eyes, i immediately saw erratic streaks of lights. it was as if i am riding a fast and wild rollercoaster entering what seemed to be a crazy tunnel without any patterns. then at the end, a very bright light engulfed me.

when i opened my eyes, i saw the same guy. but surprisingly he was no longer kissing me. rather, he was shouting at someone else, a tall, dark person with a fierce and edgy face. tears were rolling down their cheeks. they were exclaiming words i cannot decipher but you know they were filled with very strong emotions, from the way they delivered it with very stiff and contained gestures. until the shadow headed to the door and left the room. more faces appeared afterwards, in very fast shutters. but all of them were moving inside the same frame. while the guy was still crying in a very slow pace.

suddenly, i felt my blood rushing in. it felt like a long and hot coil crawling all over my body. then i heard an unfamiliar heartbeat. it took me a while before i have figured it was not mine but his. i felt how cold and restless it was like the first time i saw for myself, my first love going out with a close friend, who i have trusted and confided with my all my secrets and affections

it felt very empty although i am not even sure what it really meant. for me, it was something untolerable.something i should have not dared venturing into, like building all the guts and finally confessing my feelings to someone i really like just to be rejected and laughed at afterwards.

it felt like my chest was being torn into two by an unknown force. like knowing that your partner for years have cheated on you behind your back. that your partner have exchanged all the years you've shared together for a one night stander.

i wanted it to stop. i was already crying . screaming and pleading hard to let go. it was the most miserable feeling.

after all this time, i never thought i could still feel that vulnerable, weak and alone. then everything turned pitch black. it was as if i have passed out.

when i opened my eyes and gained consciousness, i saw the same guy again infront of me. his eyes were still close and lips still tucked into mine. then i moved back. he opened his eyes and i saw the remnants of all those pasts i have witnessed earlier. i felt a bit sad for him but far worst for myself.

i guess, it was the downfall of the gift. it would attract all people to my whims but at the same time, it would show me their misery, that would eventually show my own humanity.

at first, i thought, the gift was just like any free online products. that since they have just been released in the market, it is normal that there are still bugs and inconsistencies in it, that it would eventually correct itself. so i tried and repeatedly used it. trying to understand, control and use it for my own advantage. but the downfall of the gift was as persevered as i am. until i finally gave up.

now, i wonder who among the guys i have slept with cursed me with it? or if its my own humanity that activated it in me? or perhaps, i will never know for its already too late.

source

so now, i am stuck here waiting outside of that huge and enclossed establishment, filled with all that youthful freedom and excitement that already long forgotten me. trying to resist every seducing stare that would pass by and trying to believe that i am already tired of this endless goose chase. hopefully waiting and wondering for someone who will also have the same gift --- or if its even possible for people like me.

noodle express

standing on the same spot, she was a holding a bowl of hot noodles again; staring a variety of thick sauces and carefully studying what to put, as if its her life that is at stake.
everyday, she pays the noodle kiosk a visit before going home. she would always order a bowl of noodles and takes a long time in deciding what a variety of sauce to try. surprisingly, she never finished a bowl.

***

four years ago, a girl had a huge crush with her friend. but the boy never really knew about it. they were childhood friends, neighbors and even went to the same school. in short, they grew up together and were almost inseparable.

until one day, the boy broke the news to the girl, that he was leaving for abroad. dark gray clouds fell upon her.

she locked herself in her room. never received any messages nor calls and would even refuse any invitations, especially if its from the boy. until the boy took the initiative to visit and persuaded her to go out with him. eventually, the girl sourly agreed.

they walked without any destination and with only silence in between them. the boy didn't ask nor explain. while the girl just didn't bother. time went through like all the light posts they passed, unnoticed. until they found themselves standing infront of a noodle kiosk.

the boy ordered two bowls of noodles. yet, no one still took the chance to break the silence. when the man with a tired smile handed over their order. the boy put spoonfuls of different sauces; that was the good thing about the dish: it gives you the liberty to choose but reminds you where you went wrong after. he mixed it slowly and patiently, as if brewing something special then hand it over to her.

source

the girl, like everything unknown to her, was very hesitant at first. but eventually she was able convinced herself to try it. thinking, it will be the last request she will do for him.

but then the mixed sauce melted and lingered on her tongue as if it conveyed a thousand promise. the noodles, though partially uncooked, became the tastiest strings of flour she ever tasted. she enjoyed it or better yet loved it. it was as if she ended a long search and finally found what she was looking for all along.

a smile appeared on the boy's lips, that sealed the day and the following years that came.

***

ever since the boy left, the girl religiously visit the same kiosk, trying to produce the same mix the boy prepared for her, believing it would bring him back.

for years, she played with lemon sauce, chili oil, teriyaki, oyster and garlic. but none of them brought him back.

until one day, she received a message from the boy, stating that he is finally coming back home. ofcourse, the girl was excited; too excited that she almost jumped of her seat.

when the day came, the girl patiently waited behind their gate. wondering if the door bell will still sound the same or if it will produce a special timber or tone. she never even felt their tiled floor this warm. then suddenly, her phone rung. it was him.

"hey! can you meet me somewhere else? i am currently not at home. so i thought if we will be going out, i could just meet you there, wherever that may be."

the girl then suggested the same noodle kiosk and the boy with a confused tone affirmed.

hours later, the girl saw herself standing infront of an entirely different person. the boy, now a completely grown up man, is almost half a foot taller, wearing a quite formal attire for the place (different from the baggy clothes he used to wear) and a smile that seemed to be long forgotten by innocence. in a way, she felt a sudden awkwardness. they both felt a little bit uncomfortable.

after brief hellos, the girl immediately ordered two bowls of noodles to a now different vendor, but still wearing the same tired smile. she then excitedly hand it over to the boy, who looks a bit confused at first.

but when he finally remembered. he took the girl's bowl and randomly put different sauces in it. the girl then tried to memorize every sauce that he put: 2 spoon of oyster, a spoonful of teriyaki, a bit of chili and lemon sauces.

the girl with her buds excitedly anticipating, dig a forkful of rich sauced noodles. she pressed it deeper to her tongue, pressing the taste to linger her buds. she played the noodles inisde her lips until it lost its firm. but she found no memories. no picture of the boy nor the taste she once knew.until she eventually realized that she became a stranger to her own present and feelings.

ang paghahanap:a visual novel project

minsan, mas mahalaga ang sagot

sa tanong na paano kesa sa kelan.

chasing time

ink and paper

october 2009

...at maging sa sino kesa sa saan.

caution

ink and paper

september 2009

sabi ng isang kaibigan:

na-try ko na yata halos lahat ng klase ng relasyon, ang hindi ko na lang nasusubukan ay yung relasyong magtatagal...

panalo! hahaha!

ang natatanging alaala

Araw-araw, inaabangan ko ang kanyang pagdaan sa harap ng aming bahay.

At tama nga ako. Napakasarap ng kanyang laway.

source

dagli or short fiction is a form of literature, briefly narrating a story.

ano sa tingin niyo ang kwento?

Ang Paghahanap

Pangalan pa lang ng bar, may ideya ka na kungsaan maaring magsimula at magtapos ang lahat.

Sa lugar na gaya nito, nakakatuwang isipin na kung saan madilim duon naghahanap ang mga tao. Subalit ang mas nakapagtataka, maging sila hindi din nila alam kung ano ang kanilang hinahanap.

Hindi na bago sa ganitong lugar si Frank. Halos tahanan na nga niya kung ituring ang madilim na establisamentong ito, na nakatayo sa tagong sulok ng Maynila. At lalong hindi na din bago sa kanya ang mga kalakarang nagaganap sa loob. Kung tutuusin, dito na siya namulat sa halos lahat ng dapat niyang malaman tungkol sa kanyang buhay, sa buhay na pinili niya. Maliban na lamang sa isa, ang magmahal ng tunay.

source

Minsan nang may nagsabi kay Dale, Malate is not the place to find love. Subalit para sa binata, may choice pa ba siya kungsaan pwedeng makita ito? Ilang beses na din siyang naniwala sa pagitan ng malalakas na tunog ng speakers at umiyak sa ilalim ng nakakasilaw na flasher at laser lights. Subalit sa dulo, naniniwala pa din siya dahil yun na lang ang bukod tanging pinanghahawakan niya--- ang tanging pinaniniwalan niya.

Sa gitna ng dance floor, nagtagpo ang pawisang katawan nina Frank at

Dale. Sumasayaw sa nakabibinging tugtog at umiindak sa halimuyak ng kanilang pinaghalong mga pawis. Kinabig ni Frank ang katawan ni Dale palapit. Samantalang halos abutin naman ni Dale ang mga labi ng kasayaw na parang tinutuksong idadampi. Di nagtagal, naglaban ang malakas na tugtog at palitan ng mga halos hindi marinig na mga salita. Habang ginagalugad naman at pilit na kinikilala ng kanilang mga palad ang isa’t isa. Tinapos nila ang gabing iyon na magkahawak ang kamay at ang pangako nang muling pagkikita.

Napadalas ang pagkikita ni Frank at Dale, matapos ang gabing iyon. Kasabay nang unti-unting pagkahulog nila sa isa't isa ay ang unti-unti din nilang paglayo sa lugar na iyon. Hanggang sa tuluyan natapos ang kanilang paghahanap.

Di nagtagal, nagdesisyon ang dalawa na magsama at naging masaya naman ang kanilang pagsasama. subalit sa relasyong meron sila, sapat ba ang pagmamahal lamang? Dito pumasok ang panibagong paghahanap: Ang paghahanap sa kung sino ang gagampan na lalaki at babae papel sa kanilang pagsasama? Sa kanilang relasyon? Sa pakikipagtalik? O kung kailangan nga ba talaga ito?

Ang problema, parehong top sina Frank at Dale. At kahit mahal man nila ang isa't-isa, walang gustong magparaya upang gampanan ang tinuturing na babaeng papel sa pakikipagtalik. Noong una, pinilit nilang hindi maging malaking sagka iyon sa kanilang relasyon. Pinilit nilang maging kontento sa pwedeng ibigay at matanggap, para at mula sa isa't isa. Subalit kalauna'y unti-unting linalamon nang monotonya ang kanilang relasyon. Hanggang isang gabi, nagpumilit si Dale na pasukin ang kasintahan, na labis namang dinamdam ni Frank. Tuluyang nagliyab ang kanilang mga tinagong baga. Hanggang sa tuluyang nagkalamat ang kanilang pagsasama.

Totoo nga ata, na minsan, kahit ang problema sa kama gumagapang sa bawat sulok ng bahay. Hindi na muling nagluto si Frank para sa kanila at panay na lamang ang order niya sa labas. Samantalang si Dale naman ay nagsimula na din dalhin ang kanilang damit sa laundry shop at hindi na muling nagpresentang labhan ang damit nila. Hanggang sa napabayaan na din ng dalawa maging ang paglilinis ng bahay. Napadalas ang kanilang pag-aaway at hindi pagkakaunanawaan. Hindi nagtagal tuluyang linamon ng lamat ang kanilang relasyon hanggang sa isang araw napagpasiyahan na ni Frank na umalis at iwan si Dale.

source

Walang gabing hindi umiyak ang dalawa sa kani-kanilang kinaroroonan. Pilit na inaalala o linilimot ang mga bagay na minsan ay nagpasaya at pinahalagahan nila. Umasang aanurin din ng kanilang mga luha ang mga iyon.

Nagsimulang bumalik si Frank sa malate. Inisip na mag umpisa muli sa parehong lugar, kungsaan siya nagsimula. Samantalang ipinangako naman ni Dale na hindi na muling tutungtong sa lugar na iyon, na hindi na muling aasa.

Pinilit na kalimutan ni Frank ang lahat sa pamamagitan ng pakikipagtalik sa iba't ibang lalaking nakikilala niya doon. Habang si Dale naman ay sinubukan ang mundo ng Internet chatting, at maging sex eyeball. Subalit kahit anong gawin nila, patuloy silang sinusundan ng mga larawan ng isa’t isa.

Hanggang isang gabi, linamon ng depresyon at alak si Frank. at isang kasayaw ang nagdala sa kanya sa isang kalapit na motel. Walang mahanap na lakas ang binata upang pigilan ang kasama. Hanggang sa pinilit ipasok ng lalaki ang kanyang ari sa pwerta ng lasing na binata. Halos mawalan siya ng ulirat sa sobrang sakit. Halos hindi mo na din masabi kung ano ang mas malakas ang pag agos: kung ang luha ba mula sa kanyang mata o ang dugo sa kanyang likuran.

Subalit animoy hindi naririnig ng lalaki ang pagsusumamo ng binata. Nagpatuloy ang paghagod sa likod ni Frank hanggang sa nawalan na lang siyang nang pakiramdam at malay. Nagising na lamang si Frank na mag isa sa bakanteng kwartong iyon, wala na ang lalaki pero patuloy pa din ang pagtulo ng kanyang luha at pagdugo ng kanyang pagkatao.

source

Hindi napigilan ni Dale ang sarili na yakapin nang mahigpit si Frank nang makita ito pagbukas ng pinto. Halos hindi natigil ang kanyang pagluha ng maramdaman muli sa pagitan ng kanyang mga bisig ang dating kasintahan. Sinimulang siilin ng mga halik ni Dale ang kayakap upang punan ang kanyang pangungulila. Subalit wala pa ding imik si Frank, pinatahimik nang nagpupuyos na galit ang kanyang pananabik na makita din si Dale.

Inakay nila ang isa't isa patungo sa kwarto hanggang sa ibabaw ng kama na isang panig lamang ang may bahagyang gusot. Marahas nilang tinanggal ang saplot ng isa't isa at sa unang pagkakataon ay nagpakita ng pag-ubaya si Dale. nagulat si Frank. Subalit nabulag siya ng bugso ng kanyang magkakahalong damdamin.

Marahas niyang inangkin ang ipinaubaya. Kungsaan imping namang tiniis ni Dale ang bawat pagbayo nang nakapatong. halos mawalan din siya ng ulirat sa sakit at gusto na niya sanang ihinto. pero tiniis niya ito. Subalit nang nagsimulang tumulo ang kanyang luha, naramdaman din niya ang biglang pagbagsak ni Frank sa kanyang dibdib. Dito sila nagsimulang humagulgol.

Nang gabing iyon, kahit walang salitang pumunit sa malamig na hangin ng silid, natapos ang magdamag na sila'y magkayakap, dala ang panibagong katotohanan na kanila muling nahanap.

the pretender

behind the misty room and deafening music, your smile radiated like a lost star, waiting for someone to notice and own it.

it was just like any ordinary nights, people come in with an empty chest and with the hope of a sudden escape. and just like them, i was also craving for that moment, just for this another night.
i walked in and headed the bar to grab a bottle of beer. then scanned the place like i used to do and saw the usual look in everyone's eyes--- searching. i knew most of them were familiar faces and once i have crossed paths with. but none of them actually told me their real names--- no one actually told me who they really were. but no one can blame them since it was the unwritten rule of the place.

after finishing my bottle, i went straight and struggled to reach the stage alone. and wondered how this simple flatform could strip off anyone's hesitation. no wonder everyone is trying to climb up.

when i finally owned a small spot, i allowed the house music to succumbed me and it didn't take that long for my body to have a mind of its own. the spontaneity of the beat was a breather, melting the stiffness of the routine that engulfed my soul for the entire week. all i could do was to close my eyes and let my body grind all those baggages.

"nice move," a man in his late 20s told me as his firm spec and washboard abs drew closer to mine. for a moment, i felt the need touch it, grip his edgy midrib that was still visible even under the dim light, closer to mine. i felt a sudden hard on underneath my pants and the familiar crave to rub it on his legs. but the moment, he told me his name was "jake" and recognized that it was not the same name he gave me the last time we checked each other out, i moved away.
then behind me was a chinito guy, probably in his early 20s, semikal, shirt off too and has a lean but well defined body. surprisingly, his skin was illuminating our now shared space. his hips were moving in with the right beat as his eyes fixed in checking my package. i immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and bounce to the music unendlessly. i could feel his knees bouncing in between my legs as if teasing me to go down further. when the sensation was already dragging me to that unknown pit, i decided to swim above and instead, drew my face nearer to his almost burying my lips in his neck, looking for that familiar warmth. hmmm... even his sweat smells sweet.

suddenly, i tried getting his eyes to look at mine, just for me to have a glimpse of what he is keeping inside. but he avoided my stare until his own gestures told me what his real intentions were. then the spark we had just faded in an instant.

perhaps, i am just tired of all these chasing and would no longer settle into something temporary. so again, i backed off and went down the stage.

i struggled my way back to the bar again thinking of getting another bottle for my next attempt. then from a far, behind the misty room and deafening music, your smile radiated like a lost star, waiting for someone to notice and own it.

you were standing there calmly, your gestures were different from the other shadows that once lured that space. we looked at each others' eyes, as if we shared the same decision not to break the stare. for a moment, i thought i was looking at mine: your eyes has the same similar vivid colors and that dying flare in the middle of a deep emptiness, until a tantalizing line drew its way across your face.

the next thing i knew, i was already walking my way to the main street and would find myself a ride back again to the monotony of my life, i kept on escaping.
suddenly my phone rang. i immediately took it out of my pocket and checked it.
a message reads a simple "hi" from an unregistered number. then the first thing i thought was just your smile.


***an attempt to relive the posts i will surely miss.
my pens on you, mugen blue.

short time chase

"aren't you getting tired?"

"of what?"

"of this chase that you keep on doing?"

"believe me, if i do, you'll probably cry?"



"i just don't understand why you keep on doing this eventhough you know it will not last."

"because this is the only thing and time where i can be myself even for a shortwhile."

can we blame them? chronicle: ang kondesa at ang reyna (the last installment)

sa isang malayo at tagong-tagong kareynaan, may dalawa makapangyarihan nilalang ang nag-aagawan ng kapangyarihan: si kondesa botomesa, ang mangbibiyak ng mga turumpong kangkarot at si reyna tirada, ang tirador ng mga mesang punggok.

walang mga mandirigma ang kareynaan dahil hindi sila naniniwala sa agresyon o pisikal na labanan. ang siste kasi, ang anumang hindi pagkakaunawaan o away ay dinadaan sa lambingan. pinagsasama ang magkakaaway o hindi nagkakaunawaan sa iisang bubungan.

walang kondisyon ang kasunduan. Pwede nilang gawin ang kahit anong gusto nilang gawin basta magkasama. paliligo, pagtatae, pagplupluck ng bulbol at kahit pagtatalik ng nakasabit sa puno ng balete, pwede.

walang din tiyak na pagtatapos ito. magpapatuloy hanggang sa may isa ang bumigay, manghina ang tuod at mahulog ang loob. samakatuwid, ang unang mainlove, talo at kung anuman ang pinagtatalunan ay ipapanig o ibibigay kung sino ang nanalo.

ito ang batas ng kanilang kareynaan.

kilala si kondesa botomesa at reyna tirada bilang mga kilabot ng kasunduan. naging mayaman at makapangyarihan ang dalawa dahil dito. madalas kapag may gusto silang makuha, gumagawa sila ng paraan para maagaw ito sa may-ari. madalas, dahil sa takot na mainlab, sinusuko na lang ng mga may-ari ang kanilang ari-arian sa mga ito.

kilala si kondesa botomesa sa kanyang pamatay na bongang-barurotan-teknik. samantalang si reyna tirada naman sa kanyang con-todo-romansa-totnak-teknik. madaming nahumaling sa kanilang dalawa, nainlove, nabaliw at may ilan ding nagpatiwakal.

pero ang pinagtatakhan ng lahat, ni minsan ay hindi nangahas ang dalawa na kalabanin ang isa't isa.

hanggang sa isang araw ay kumalat ang balitang namatay si emperetris versosa---AHHH! at kinailangan ng kareynaan ng bagong pinuno. nag-unahan ang dalawang hitad sa registration. nahati ang pila na kasing haba ng edsa sa dalawa. nag unahan ng naka full panggayak, kahon na lang ang kulang at animoy may ibuburol na.

sabay na nakarating sa unahan ang dalawa. nagkaroon ng pagtatalo kung sino ang nauna. BINGO! pinataw ng kareynaan ang batas sa kanila at napagkasunduang kung sino ang unang sumuko ay siya ang papalit sa na namatay na empretris versosa--- AHHH!

nagsama nga sila.
sa kanilang pagsasama, tatlong taon, silang hindi nag-usap at naghintayan kung sino ang gagawa ng unang hakbang. mga 6 and a half years nung, di sinasadyang magtama ang kamay nila habang natutulog. then another 15 years, 5months and 21 days, nang narinig nila sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ang boses ng isa't-isa. Nung nagcelebrate silang ng silver anniversary, unti-unti ng naging pisikal ang kanilang relasyon. kailangan nang masahehin ng kondesa ang kumekebang na spine ng reyna. samantalang finafacial naman ng reyna ang tinutubuan na ng kamoteng mukha ng kondesa. di naglaon naging malapit sila sa isa't-isa hanggang sa natutunan ng humirit at mang alaska. at sa unang pagkakataon nagtalik sila. lumabas ang kani-kanilang natatagong mga teknik. sabay-sabay na biyak ang mga trumpong kangkarot at napilayan ang mga mesang punggok.

nagsigawan ang mga tao. nag-alunlungan ang mga aso. nagkatitigan ang reyna at kondesa. hinihintay kung sino ang unang bibitaw. inabot ng umaga ang titigan, animoy unang kumurap na ang labanan. hanggang sa pareho silang sumuko at nagyakapan. magkahawak kamay silang naglakad. tiyak nilang naghihintay na ang mga tao sa labas at inaabangan kung sino ang nagtagumpay. sabay nilang binuksan ang pintuan at nagulat sa nakita. wala na ang buong kareynaan.

walang nagtagumpay.

can we blame them? chronicle: sunset

she was sitting beside her window alone, overlooking the running green terrains outside. she could see daisies, mums, stargazers and some wild flowers that she haven't met before. this was one of the reasons why they have decided to buy the house.

she was already on her 70s, weak and fragile. far different from what she was before: athletic, adventurous and daring. for her everything in her life came so swiftly and if she will be asked to recall it, she could only group it into a number of events. first, she recalled flirting with a couple of women while drinking inside a misty bar. then the time she moved in with felice. and now, this, sitting alone on her brittle chair that probably as old as her, waiting for the sun to set. on her hand was the note that was given to her by her partner before she died.

she remembered the last question she asked to felice before she retire. "was it all worth it?" there was a long pause. felice never answered back. she just closed her eyes and kept her answer behind the acquianted silence.

from there, more questions emerged. they were as many as the tears that dropped off from her tired eyes.

for those who have hold their silence forever, ink and paper, 01/07

she started wondering, if it was a good thing that she followed her heart? or would it be better if she didn't and followed what her family and other people insisted? will she be happier?
will she be seeing herself in a different situation than what she is currently at?
will she have someone with her now?
will she fear what is ahead of her?
and finally, is it all worth it?

then she smiled. but before she could even utter her answers, the sun waved its last burning ray and slowly disappeared from the wide bleeding horizon.

the night howled a very long silence and the news about the old woman's death spread throughout the entire town.

the next day, she was found on her death chair. but unlike what they have expected her body was as warm as her smile and on the floor was felice's letter--- a blank sheet of paper.

***

can you blame them?

trinoma mall, quezon city

the banshee's boy

once there was a boy who wandered in the woods. he was amazed of how colorful everything was. he played with the fairies and pixies of different colors and sizes. he even saw trolls and goblins who were friendly at first. there were also playful leprichauns who allowed him to slide on the heights of great rainbows and even gave him a piece of gold. they spoiled him with sweets and too much attention until the boy didn't notice that it was already dark. from there everyone slowly disappeared and what was left was his lost self. he doesn't know his way back home. the boy couldn't think of anything else but to cry. he tried calling his new friends but no one showed up. he felt very helpless and scared. for the first time, the boy felt loneliness.

then suddenly, he heard noises behind the big leafy shrub. scared of the image hiding behind it he moved back. suddenly, a sad banshee appeared out of the bushes. she was humming a very depressing melody. the boy felt and understood where the emotion was coming from, the banshee like him, was all alone. no one really wanted to play with her for she was and the only being of the night in the forest.

the boy approached the banshee. he talked to her, played and roamed the forest with hands holding each other. for the rest of the night, it seemed as if they owned the entire forest. the boy and the banshee never felt this happy before. the banshee even wished for the sun not to rise up anymore so that she could just be with him. but both of them knew that it will eventually rise up and they will have to wait for it to set again. but the boy left a promise to the banshee. he promised he will be waiting. thus, the banshee expected.


the next night, the banshee waited behind the same bushes. she waited and hummed a beautiful melody, believing that it would direct the boy where she was. she waited and waited until the darkness of the night slowly faded and there was still no trace of the boy. the melody faded to a sadder hum. the banshee then realized that the boy would not return back again. as the light guided the banshee back to her sanctuary, she smiled. she realized that instead of blaming the boy of what she was suffering, she should be grateful. the boy made her realize so many things about her, that she has emotions, capable to cry and be happy again regardless, where their journey ended.

for her, the boy gave his best efforts all throughout her most lonesome moments. he have actually expressed it more than what she or anyone could possibly give out. she thought probably the boy was not really meant for her and was only there, for her to realize so many things that she could do and be aside from living behind shadows. thus, she felt very grateful for knowing him as she crept back to her cave. she figured that the least thing that she could do is to actually set him free and be happy for whatever decision he will make.

another gloomy sunday evening

the moon was already at its peak. but i could tell from the looks of it, it would be a gloomy sunday evening.

we were walking along ayala avenue, bearing the moment of not touching hands---afraid of being caught by someone who knows us and most importantly those who don't. its one of those devastating feeling, if you ask me, the feeling of being vulnerable.

source

at that moment, all i could do is to surrender myself to the luring serenity of the place and walk silently until we reach our destination. then, LB finally broke the silence and said,

"the place is barely deserted as if we own it."

i wanted to affirm the thought, atleast to believe that we really do and put a smile on our faces and attached it with sweet words, saying how romantic it was. but i couldn't find any way to express it, from which my heart will agree. i realized that it was the only thing in this world not worth owning--- the feeling of loneliness despite you are with someone.

how can i say that we own the place, if both of us could not even feel each other's hands? if we are both paranoid about so many things that might come ahead of us? i know that we have the option of not minding whatever will come our way.

but i guess, it is indeed, easily said than done.