in vino

"i like you," those were the words i heard as i drew my face near the shadow that grabbed me from my P7 bacardi coke and mojito.

"how about introducing myself first?" i said.

the shadow smiled.

"james, and you are?"

"A"

"pleasure."

A introduce himself as swedish, who was with another swedish friend (who A later revealed to be A's lawyer).

"care for another round of drinks for you and your friends? my treat."

but before i could refuse, A immediately went to the bar to get us a round of tequila. when A went back, all of my friends were already screaming, dancing off-beat and sweating profusely.

it was the first time, i saw them these loose. but i cannot blame them for we have drunk our three nights limit that night.

it was indeed a very wild night. honestly, no one can even remember clearly what happened. everyone has their own story of another.

someone had to carry someone from station 2 to the end of station 1, marking the entire trail of with what he had for dinner.

someone knelt on his bed and peed on his pillow.

someone almost lost his iphone but lucky enough to retrieve it after bravely slipping his hand inside another person's pocket after hearing it ring.

while someone had the chance to touch a couple of guys' 6 packs abs just to decide whose nicer.

it was just crazy.

"wanna go out from here?"

"i think i need to attend to my friend first. he is already wasted."

"you are just a sweetheart."

please. i am just not fond of compliments.

not our friend. hahaha!

"i don't know if i would take that as a compliment though."

"you should and seriously i like you," A repeated.

"just excuse my friend. A has a tendency to reiterate something A wants to point out, especially when the person also has the tendency not to believe it." then C winked.

"i bet you two are really good friends."

then we all laughed. A still insisted but the picture of my friends already slumbering in front of the comfort room was something my conscience could not really bear. but before we called it a night, A requested a favor.

"can i borrow your phone for a second?"

realizing the place to be a bit crowded and it would difficult for anyone to make a quick escape, i handed it over.

it was some digits and an email address. but what really caught my attention was As complete name.

a complete name:

first,

middle

and family name.

then it struck me.

***

honesty is just a breather nowadays, especially in a place where everything was supposed to be kept hidden.

thank you for the smile. appreciate it guys while is still genuine.

things inside my pocket

even the thought of clearing my throat was not an option. it was already too late when i have realized that my own courage already abandoned me inside that cold ruin. paralyzed and confused.

the only things left were two familiar objects i always kept inside my pocket and another one, which i always deny bringing.

it was not the first time i have been with this ghost. but regardless of how much i shield myself against it, my body still reacts indifferently. it drops down 'til i chill. my heart turns cold like a snail, but my face burns as if its melting all the coming intuitions.

then i opened my eyes wide and bravely watched as the shadows danced and swept time and everything away. it is just fascinating how it weaved empty memories. honestly, i never really thought that i would still live up to that day to witness and be mesmerized by it. something not all are privileged to see, for they chose not to see it.

though the thoughts of freezing vodka mingling on the tip of tongues was tempting, something inside my pocket just pulled me back. the same moment when i have realized that a cold sheet of pure impulsiveness almost devoured me. thus, with a weak but definite voice, i pulled myself together and marched away. dressing myself with a distinct pallet of two entirely different colors of victory and loneliness.

all i could hear then was the last drops of a drying rain pour, and a deafening silence behind the door in front of me.

for a moment, i felt scared of what i was to embrace. but the urge of not looking back was stronger than the shackles that kept and defined me for the longest time.

so this time, i promised myself that there will no longer be any room for regrets.

weekend pebbles

something came out from the back, crossed above my shoulder and reached my hand. i heard a name despite the beat pounding music. while a wide and warm smile illuminated against the flickering darkness as i turned for its source. it was one of the shadows that were seating infront of our table that dragging friday night.

so i gave a name as i reached for that hand.

"hey kirby, my friend actually wants to meet you. i hope you don't mind?"

surprised but still calculating, i turned to my friends to ask them for their opinion. and with their approval, i excused myself for a minute and followed the shadow as it made its way to its friend.

compare to other people of my age, i must admit i am a newbie when it comes to this kind of acquaintanceship. perhaps because i can't get along with other people that easily. for me, if i am already having a hard time talking to my friends' friends, then what more to people you meet inside bars. or probably i still haven't outgrown what my parents had taught us when we were kids, to never talk to strangers.

but i realized in a place like that, any gesture of politeness is the best response to any act of appreciation.

J was older than me. but J looks younger than i am, and definitely more fit. i offered my hand and gave the same name i gave earlier. but J didn't greet me with a smile. instead, J grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward its body and gave me a tight hug, one of the tightest hug i could remember. then that was the time, confusion began to sink in.

this was not the same response i used to read in knoxx's entries, nor the same scenes in tristan's tales and definitely, not among the perfect moves of THE tripper.

i might missed something, i thought. but what?

being the paranoid me, the first thing that came in mind was to check for my pockets. but it seemed like everything were still there, and that made me more confused.

J didn't talk that much and neither do i. most of the time, i would catch J just staring at me that made me really conscious. there were already a number of things running inside my head: and most of them were fruits of my own paranoia, meaning, its not good.

after three dances or so, i felt i had to go back to my friends, so i had to excused myself to J. but even before i left, J then grabbed my hand and gave me a tightier hug. and i don't know if it was just me, or i didn't really feel any malice from it.

it was warm but at the same time it felt very lonely.

as we made our way to my friend's place, i have realized two things that morning: one, that appreciation is so rare these days for it seems like everybody keeps on striving it for themselves, that they have already forgotten on noticing and giving one to others; putting so much effort solely on how they look, act, behave and even to their works. call it a pick up move, but receiving one from others is such a precious and wonderful feeling. and by saying this, i also realized that perhaps for most people, appreciation is also one of those simple things that keeps them from going back to such places.

***

going out the next night was not in my list of how to spend a saturday night that day. but because of my rampant reputation of being kaladkarin, it didn't take a sweat from another set of friends to convince me to accompany them.

but honestly, i am really hesitant with the idea. not because, i am only wearing a simple gray shirt, a pair of jeans and hiking shoes, but because of many virtual memories of the place. not to mention the fact that aside from my friends, A also tagged along.

the place was filled with a concoction of expensive perfumes, decorated with moving sophistication, and gorgeous smiles. never thought that my eyes would dance that intense than my body.

but when the crowd started to clear the ledge to give way for the special acts, faces emerged and all the virtual memories began to materialize. the hesitations became regrets and the rest of it left me to become as hard as a rock.

i remember a friend, who once asked me, how do you manage to keep them?

i answered him, i don't. i just try.

sometimes you just have to bear the hurt in order for you to keep what is left from it. and at the end of the day, you just hope that you'll forget it, eventhough, you know it will be difficult.

i admit, i over rationalize things, to a point it over boards to the negative side. i lack spontaneity when the situation needs it. i shut down my emotions eventhough its just about to ignite. and above all, i pretend to be brave just because i know i am scared: scared of doing the same mistakes again and getting hurt. but what i didn't realize was that those impulses, mistakes and fears can also come up with good things, right decisions and timely actions, because that affirms other people that one is still human, capable of loving and being love.

thus, as we left the bar, i allowed my impulse to finally embrace me. an act was made not to restore anything from the past rather to come up with an answer for the next day. until the answer stood infront of my window, waived me goodbye and ran as fast as it could until it disappeared for the second time--- again.

picture sources: www.loupiote.com

the stage

she slowly lowered her hips and gracefully grind it to mine. then she neared her topless body on my sweating face. i could see her nipples from that distance. they were as hard and smooth as seashore pebbles that reminded me of the young ladies from our province splashing in the morning tide.

i wondered what is her name? her real name? where she came from? where she is living? and hows her life before and after this?

she then found her position above my lap and guided my hands towards her smooth back and slided it right on her behind. i could tell she have been doing this for quite sometime now. but what stuck me the most was the strong foundation scent on her body, that reminded me of my grandma who used to wear the same scent as she goes to church every dusk five years ago before she died.

then, she lightly pressed her breast on my bleeding cheeks as it revealed what she was hiding beneath her skin. if she have pressed it a little harder, i could have already loss my lips.

i then recalled the first girl i have laid my lips almost a decade ago. i know i was stil young and immature back then. but now, recalling it, i am proud to say that it was atleast the purest kiss i ever gave and received from someone.

suddenly she removed my glasses and tossed it to the air. for a moment i felt i was sharing the same bareness with her. she moved her way above me, body still touching each other. she was already a couple of feet above my head: standing on my seat and legs wide apart, when she revealed to me what everyone came for.

the crowd screamed. but i was still partly clueless for what will happen. all i know was my heart roared like it never did before. then i saw her pelvis coming. it was something that i didn't expect since we didn't get the vip room and just sat on the regular couch. i took a deep breath as if making a big plunge into something unknown. the cheering grew louder when she rapidly humped her behind right on my face. it was a complete shut down, i tell you. until she jumped off the couch and danced her way back to the stage. then she stared back at me. on that moment, she was no longer smiling, no more suggestive look neither a tempting grin. all i saw was just a blank and emotionless face that somehow told me a lot of stories about her.

suddenly, rapid flashes of images of my mom flew across my head. i knew that stare was familiar. until i realized that it was the same set of eyes that my mom used to give me whenever she pays me a visit here in manila and leaves back to bicol the next day. then i wondered if she has kid/s as well and if she gives the same stare before she goes here every night.

the night went through with more women dancing. most were topless. while some gathered all there courage to go out completely naked. you could see among everyone outside the stage that they were dying with their own anticiaptions. but for me it was more questions and more stories to contemplate.

until she finally came out of the darkness again. this time, she was covering her breast and vagina. she has this innocent stare, that just made everyone flying with their imaginations. they were completely out of their touches, not because of the alcohol they were drinking all night but rather with the sight infront of them.

then the next thing that happened was unexpected she dived right down with a split, lowered her breast until it touched the floor, pointed her finger to her lips, then acted as if she didn't have a clue of what happened. i honestly loss count of how many bottles i have drunk. all i could remember was i emptied half of my bottle in one gulp. then i thought, such desperate move might be calling for something really big.

when the music ended, almost 30 ladies came out and piled infront of the stage with number tags hanging on their bikinis. then the dj started talking and bargaining. everyone gave their best smiles and poses. for a moment, i felt like i am inside a market looking at the best catches for the day. as numbers were announced, each of the girls came down the stage and went to their respective tables. i was dead scared with the thought that one of my friends might ask for one as well. fortunately, they didn't.

when the time finally ran out, only five girls were left and one of them was her, standing on that almost empty stage. their smiles were no longer as wide as they had it earlier. but it wasn't clear what kind of emotion they were wearing.

nonetheless, for me, it was actually mixed emotions. i was happy because this would mean that they will be going home early that morning and atleast live the life away from this for the rest of their day. on the other hand, i felt sad for them, specifically to her, because afterall she have done for the entire night, she will be going home with thousands lesser than the rest of the girls. meaning, more nights to endure before she could actually save and live the life she really wanted.

after we called it a night and parted ways, i then realized that this experience just affirmed the feminist in me, and most especially the humanity in me.

if only people can just read stories behind whats actually infront of them, then perhaps, we can be more of the mirons than we are now.

first day bummer

A wink of reality in a make believe

set up we've made
Both peeking into the holes
of our imaginations
seeking for the perfection
we keep on denying

A play of struggle,
from the steaming pot of lust
and lost box of love
we keep losing track

weave me,
your delicate satin
And let us cover ourselves
baring the emptiness inside
for the whole world
to witness and feast
with laughs and prejudice

*entitled, knealing plead, dated 11/2005

INTERMISSION NUMBER:
cast your vote kung sinong blogger ang gusto niyong sumayaw ng mga sumusunod:

**si joaqui miguel sa megamall, marian rivera, sabay sabay tayo.



*** eto naman para kay jepoi sa lrt2, pussycat dolls, jai ho.



**** ito para kay dabo sa gym, pussycat dolls, sway.



*****
at ito ara kay mugen, moony, im flying away.



o kaya naman si tripper na nakatopless, low rise jeans at walang brief doing florida's low.



at humanda na kayo para sa isang ultimate dance number na hindi niyo malilimutan! HAHAHAHA!

siyempre kelangan pumayag muna sila! hahahaha

haay, i am such a bummer! hahaha!