in vino

"i like you," those were the words i heard as i drew my face near the shadow that grabbed me from my P7 bacardi coke and mojito.

"how about introducing myself first?" i said.

the shadow smiled.

"james, and you are?"

"A"

"pleasure."

A introduce himself as swedish, who was with another swedish friend (who A later revealed to be A's lawyer).

"care for another round of drinks for you and your friends? my treat."

but before i could refuse, A immediately went to the bar to get us a round of tequila. when A went back, all of my friends were already screaming, dancing off-beat and sweating profusely.

it was the first time, i saw them these loose. but i cannot blame them for we have drunk our three nights limit that night.

it was indeed a very wild night. honestly, no one can even remember clearly what happened. everyone has their own story of another.

someone had to carry someone from station 2 to the end of station 1, marking the entire trail of with what he had for dinner.

someone knelt on his bed and peed on his pillow.

someone almost lost his iphone but lucky enough to retrieve it after bravely slipping his hand inside another person's pocket after hearing it ring.

while someone had the chance to touch a couple of guys' 6 packs abs just to decide whose nicer.

it was just crazy.

"wanna go out from here?"

"i think i need to attend to my friend first. he is already wasted."

"you are just a sweetheart."

please. i am just not fond of compliments.

not our friend. hahaha!

"i don't know if i would take that as a compliment though."

"you should and seriously i like you," A repeated.

"just excuse my friend. A has a tendency to reiterate something A wants to point out, especially when the person also has the tendency not to believe it." then C winked.

"i bet you two are really good friends."

then we all laughed. A still insisted but the picture of my friends already slumbering in front of the comfort room was something my conscience could not really bear. but before we called it a night, A requested a favor.

"can i borrow your phone for a second?"

realizing the place to be a bit crowded and it would difficult for anyone to make a quick escape, i handed it over.

it was some digits and an email address. but what really caught my attention was As complete name.

a complete name:

first,

middle

and family name.

then it struck me.

***

honesty is just a breather nowadays, especially in a place where everything was supposed to be kept hidden.

thank you for the smile. appreciate it guys while is still genuine.

a time traveler's letter

dear jeff,

honestly, i really dont know how to start this for i am not fond of writing letters like you do. for i know its rare for someone to send you a letter too. not to mention the fact, that this maybe the weirdest letter you will ever received to date.

i know that by this time, you are wondering who i am? how did this letter get to you or how did i know these things?

but as crazy as it may sound, i want you to know that i am YOU--- 11 years from the time you are reading this. in short, im writing you (myself) from the future. but before you go ballistic and hysterical or think that this maybe one of those crazy prick your classmates usually throw at you, i want you to hear me out first.

i know that you are going through a very difficult time right now. i know its difficult because you always keep it by yourself. you always tend to handle it by your own. but i want you to realize that its normal. thats what teacher sandy in your grade 5, T.H.E. class is telling you about--- puberty. you should have listen more to her rather than thinking of what cartoon character you're gonna draw that day.

puberty is tough. its like a snake shedding its skin for the first time. confused and anxious. always thinking of what s/he will become just to realize that at the end of the day s/he is just the same. s/he just grew bigger and wiser in order to survive another day.

i know you have good friends who are always there for you. so never hesitate to open up to them. if in case, anything change and they started moving away, just brush it off. for i am telling you, you will meet more acceptable friends along the way, the ones that will always be there for you through thick and thin.

do not also try to think about things too much. its not that i am telling you to completely shut your system down and move purely by your instincts. you just have to loosen up a little. everyone is entitled to commit mistakes because its on those mistakes that you become a better person. you might have probably be wondering now, what you will be reading after these, but its beyond the point.

you will do a number of stupid things on the days ahead. but by knowing this, never try to stop yourself. i want you to enjoy its superficial and temporary happiness then linger on what it seems to be its endless pain afterwards. i want you to experience all of these for i want you to know that i never regretted a single stupid thing that you have done and will do. because it is on those acts that i became stronger and wiser.

do not let yourself be defined by just one big incident. i want you to remember that despite life being one big incident, its still composed of small (good and bad) incidences and it will always up to you on what small incidences you want to fill it in.

hhmmm.. by this time i know you are already convinced and knowing you, you have probably just skimmed all the things that i've said above and just immediately jump into something about love, right?! hahaha!

im not gonna say that im committed as of the moment because that will be lying. and what is the sense of writing you from the future if i going to lie. but you don't have to worry, you will be fine. you will have a relatively deeper sense of love out from the relationships you will have, which some may neither understand nor appreciate. but this will equip you for your journey to finding that true love. fine! i admit you'll also gonna be a mushy lad in denial. probably because of some friends you'll gonna meet that i think it will be best not mentioning.

source

you see. its a big crazy world out here, my self. you have no idea. so do not rush, take your time. life may be full of uncertainty but remember that its on those uncertainties that will keep you going-- that will make you strive more. so whenever there will be days that you feel empty and lonely, just sketch what you feel and always remind yourself with these things i told you.

and NO! i am not gonna say how many partners you'll have. you have to find it out by yourself. hahahaha!

sex is not the only thing that you should look forward to when you reach your legal age. besides, you will lose your virginity even before you hit 18. alright, i think im saying too much now.

im sorry for being straight forward but i bet you will also be surprised on how i manage to get here--- being me now. and don't worry about your morals. there are still intact. im taking good care of it, at least from the last time i checked. but just in case, if this letter somehow moved you, please, remind yourself that your "future you," was also a bit late in accepting the fact, that he also has to loosen up and realize that setting his pride aside can also do him good sometimes. and that he should also realize that he should stop fighting himself; that somewhere in one's life, regardless how wise one claims to be, his/her libido will always be smarter in overcoming his/her rational. its just a matter of how you own such responsibility.

nonetheless, please remember that regardless how depressing life maybe, sometimes, never chase for happiness. try lessening your expectations. so you will never get frustrated. try embracing contentment but always challenge yourself with everything that you do. life is so short for regrets and depression. just enjoy riding the tide but at the same time, be wise in deciding where to start and stop. never limit yourself and always keep an open mind. try to talk more especially to those whose voice are unheard because its in their life stories where the real gems are.

source

4 years from today, you will be opening up a blog. yes, a blog. an online journal, where you will try to collate all your thoughts in english. do i have to repeat that again? hahaha!

so do not be scared on venturing to another skill other than sketching. you will learn a lot of things there and know a number of friends that will mold the person who is telling you all of these right now.

your future self,

ewik

*right! somewhere after graduating highschool you will then decide to live with your second name as a sign of a fresh start. again, best of luck!

things inside my pocket

even the thought of clearing my throat was not an option. it was already too late when i have realized that my own courage already abandoned me inside that cold ruin. paralyzed and confused.

the only things left were two familiar objects i always kept inside my pocket and another one, which i always deny bringing.

it was not the first time i have been with this ghost. but regardless of how much i shield myself against it, my body still reacts indifferently. it drops down 'til i chill. my heart turns cold like a snail, but my face burns as if its melting all the coming intuitions.

then i opened my eyes wide and bravely watched as the shadows danced and swept time and everything away. it is just fascinating how it weaved empty memories. honestly, i never really thought that i would still live up to that day to witness and be mesmerized by it. something not all are privileged to see, for they chose not to see it.

though the thoughts of freezing vodka mingling on the tip of tongues was tempting, something inside my pocket just pulled me back. the same moment when i have realized that a cold sheet of pure impulsiveness almost devoured me. thus, with a weak but definite voice, i pulled myself together and marched away. dressing myself with a distinct pallet of two entirely different colors of victory and loneliness.

all i could hear then was the last drops of a drying rain pour, and a deafening silence behind the door in front of me.

for a moment, i felt scared of what i was to embrace. but the urge of not looking back was stronger than the shackles that kept and defined me for the longest time.

so this time, i promised myself that there will no longer be any room for regrets.

demons and wonderlands

"why don't you face your own demons, erick?"

"because i think if i do i will be miserable."

this is my own way of dealing my issues. hearing and thinking of others' stories as an escape from mine.

basically, i tend to clutter my thoughts. tire it 'til it goes pitch dark, 'til it gives out white noise. i may not be totally victorious, but atleast i have burried them down for the meantime. though they kept on casting stones at my window last night, leaving me sleepless.

thinking is something very tiring to do, especially these past few days. its like looking for something that you haven't met before though you feel its presence. its exhausting and its draining. while some say its liberating. but can someone really claim his total freedom?

for me, facing your demons is like standing on the edge of a deep dark well. either you jump over it and walk forward or you surrender yourself in an eternal free fall.

everyone has their own demons in them, regardless of any classifications. these are those things that keep on itching inside you and struggling to go out. but we keep on pushing them back, trying to hold them as perpetual secrets. we repress it for we are scared of its possible outcomes like acts that may go out of control; feelings that may overcome rationality; and even lust that may lead to addiction.

i admit, i am not that brave to face nor conquer my own. and admitting this is the only brave thing i could do so far. but if this is the only thing that will keep me intact and sane, can you blame me for it?

for in a world full of vicious and conniving wolves, where all are hidden underneath deceiving sheep skins, its really difficult for one to look and join his "real" flock. but the thing is, if one keeps on rubbing about his lays and petty talks of superficiality as if they are the only things that actually move life, will you expect people to take him seriously? can he blame the universe for not giving him the other half of their soul? or can he even point others for always being left behind?

sad to say, but i guess, the definition of machismo has already reached its universality and this isle of desolation; expressed by the number of sex, depicted by rounded off inches and measured by face trophies. and the worst part of it is that it already made the game borderless and endless, to the point that everybody is already trying to play alice, just to justify things through their own self-built wonderlands.

at the end of the day, i can say that i am no preacher nor moral thrower. but if these are the demons that life had set for me, then perhaps, not facing them is "my" right track.

BUSted

recently, i am fond of riding buses.

i love how it slows down time. how it tells so much about life in and outside of it, about people that ride and pass by. and of course, about me sitting alone in my cold seat.

how an old, fragile and petite woman, probably in his late 40s, can be so freakingly frightening as she argues with the bus conductor over a peso or two during the entire trip. how men nowadays, redefine chivalry by just remaining seated right beside a lady standing. while whispering the words "women empowerment" over and over again. how even i could also be surprised realizing that i've hold on to my bus tickets 'til i dropped on my destination. probably the longest thing i have kept so far.

then suddenly the bus stopped.

a guy in his early 20s climbed inside the bus and struggled his way along the moving aisle. despite the sunlight behind him, you could still see how the movement of his eyes struggled in making a decision of what to take. typical, but not on situations like this.

then he saw this other fellow, sitting in front of me, and their gaze met. as if they were trying to recall where they have seen or if they know each other. but no one actually gestured or said a word.

the guy took the empty seat across the other fellow and still exchanging glances. for a moment, the guy would look away. while the other would try pretending he was looking at something or someone else. then again, their eyes would meet.

suddenly, the guy pulled out his mobile phone. now, this is something familiar. then the other would pull out his too. now, its only a matter of minutes before something will be confirmed.

public pick ups/hook ups are the things that always amazes me. how can someone make that huge and indefinite risk without the fear of its possible consequences? where do they pull out that courage? how can they be so sure? or is there a manual for this that i have missed?

i always wanted to try it. but never really have the guts to do it; not even the motives. its just plain curiosity with some excitement embellished on it, i admit.

then the guy shouted "para po!" as we were fast approaching techno hub. when he stood up, he made a last glimpse to the other fellow, who i've heard earlier would be dropping off in city hall. i swear i saw an exchange of brief smiles.

later on, the guy will receive a message, asking for his name and age.

the other fellow would reply back with, "who is this?" although he was already expecting it.

"the guy in the bus." it briefly reads.

"hey whats up. im adrian, 24. you?"

"cool. james, 23. do you have a place?"

"of course i do." (but isn't he going to ask what does the other party do, or some brief profiles, or if he has some serial killer tendencies?)

"can i drop by your place later?"

like the bus, the ride of the conversation was too fast that made everyone confused of where to call for a halt. scared of either missing their destination or dropping off way too far.

"no, i dont think so. but it was nice knowing you."

then the guy sent a couple of messages more. but "I" no longer made any response to any of it anymore.

call it curiosity, boredom or just plain power tripping. but there was something in me that moment that made me pull my cellphone too. i turned my bluetooth on and quickly reedit my device name to "0917 (my number)." and if my instincts were correct, it was that fellow in front who bit my bait.

its funny how our resourcefulness, regardless of how petty it is, proves how many of us device ways and send means across to others without any direct communication. as if we are indeed thinking alike. how our repressions blur out our rationality as well as our hesitations and creates a common psyche.

but i guess, in this case, its all a matter of motives and outlook differences. something that i should have not meddled into in the first place. but although i knew it was coming, i still didn't regret it. for i know i will still continue riding buses until i finally reach my own destination.

obsession

"i guess i haven't overcome that obsession yet"

x uttered while were busy editing our project.

"what obsession?" i asked.

"that attraction with straight men."

after hours of being in front of my monitor screen, i have finally turned away from it and looked at x. it was just then that i have realized that he was wearing a red shirt. a color he would rarely wear. i looked at him and waited. hoping he could elaborate his answer more. but there was just a long pause, he never said another word.

ever since we've met, x was not really fond of talking about his intimate life. thus, we, as friends never really bothered asking him about it. probably that is the wall that we have to respect. so we really consider it as one of those rare moments whenever he would disclose something to us. basically, all i know was the last time he had sex was with his high school girlfriend (he was in college during that time). after he broke up with her, for some reason, another form of attraction or realization emerged.

he never really had any serious relationships with all the men he went out with. he always had this lame excuse that they were just good friends. although something else was itching inside our heads, we still respected his excuse.

one time, in the middle of an inuman, he went over his limits and got too drunk to censor what was going on inside his head. he suddenly ranted about all the guys he went out with. saying, how selfish they were. how immature and inconsiderate and so on. in vino veritas (in wine, we find truth).

but i, or we, never really took it against him. in the first place, it was his right to hide and make his life private. but what really bothered me the most, was this obsession he mentioned.

source

ever since i was a kid, i grew up with this believe that gay men only go out with straight men. of course, living in a very traditional and conservative family plus studying in an exclusive catholic school for boys for most part of my life, i lived believing only on the existence of this relationship alone when it comes to homosexual partnership and this is never lasting and very parasitic. eventually, when i went to college, my outlook in life, particularly in relationships made a full turn.

academically, we were introduced to the diversity of culture, the various preferences individuals invent, choose and live with and even got the chance to talk and mingle with them. eventually, i have learned that for most part of human life, one cannot really box anyone to the studies and classifications academicians can come up with. its too complex that even language cannot claim knowing.

later on, i met and lived with (close) friends and housemates who chose to live their lives with partners of the same sex. thus, i already assumed that people who go out with homosexuals are no longer straight people but homosexuals too, regardless if they claim they're bisexuals or just trippers.

then here come x, who somehow reminded me of that long forgotten belief. it was bothering probably because of all people, it was him who opened it up. all this time, i really thought he was no different from other people i have met and knew when it comes to such preference.

but is it really possible for a gay man to end up with a straight guy?

later that night, the itch inside my head went crazier, to the point that i could no longer resist asking x, "what's with straight guys? "

for a second, i really thought i am doomed, that i will be missing another contact in my facebook, that i will never see x again and above all, that i will never finish my project on time (since it was x who was really helping me for the most part of the process). what did i just say? where is the respect that i am flaunting earlier? me and my big pakialamero mouth.

but fortunately, he politely answered back,

i don't know. i guess, theres just this craving in me to turn any straight guy gay when an opportunity stands infront of me.

and what happens next when he gives in?

i drop him off.

but why?

because technically, he is no longer straight.

so are you saying your just up for the challenge.

i guess, you can say it that way.

but isn't that unfair?

well life is never fair.

for a moment, i almost doubted if it was really x that i am talking to. i guess, that was the part of him i haven't acquainted myself with until that night.

then what does that makes you?

nothing. i admit, i can't call myself straight because i go out with men. but no one can tag me as gay either because i never really had sex with any of them.

you never had sex with them? then how can you say that they're already gay?

they confess.

and what do you get from it?

i dunno thats why i call it an obsession.

seriously, i am doubtful about his claims. quite bias because it was so UN-him. i am certain that i am missing a picture. but i guess whatever that be, all i can do is to respect him for now because i know, eventually he'll be needing to make a decision; and hopefully, he'll stand by it.

for me, respect is the most important thing when it comes to dealing with people. you may never know whether they are right or wrong unless you go deeper to where they are coming from. but for situations like this, i believe that its quite unfair for someone to push another to be what s/he wants him/her to be, just to feed an ego, just to feed an obsession.

as the old golden rule say. don't do to others what you don't want others do to you. one cannot simply objectify another to mere prize or trophy for making an impossible possible. because at the end of the day, we all know that we all have our own battles to win and we don't want another obstacle just to outwit another person's whims.

or probably again, its just me ranting.

noodle express

standing on the same spot, she was a holding a bowl of hot noodles again; staring a variety of thick sauces and carefully studying what to put, as if its her life that is at stake.
everyday, she pays the noodle kiosk a visit before going home. she would always order a bowl of noodles and takes a long time in deciding what a variety of sauce to try. surprisingly, she never finished a bowl.

***

four years ago, a girl had a huge crush with her friend. but the boy never really knew about it. they were childhood friends, neighbors and even went to the same school. in short, they grew up together and were almost inseparable.

until one day, the boy broke the news to the girl, that he was leaving for abroad. dark gray clouds fell upon her.

she locked herself in her room. never received any messages nor calls and would even refuse any invitations, especially if its from the boy. until the boy took the initiative to visit and persuaded her to go out with him. eventually, the girl sourly agreed.

they walked without any destination and with only silence in between them. the boy didn't ask nor explain. while the girl just didn't bother. time went through like all the light posts they passed, unnoticed. until they found themselves standing infront of a noodle kiosk.

the boy ordered two bowls of noodles. yet, no one still took the chance to break the silence. when the man with a tired smile handed over their order. the boy put spoonfuls of different sauces; that was the good thing about the dish: it gives you the liberty to choose but reminds you where you went wrong after. he mixed it slowly and patiently, as if brewing something special then hand it over to her.

source

the girl, like everything unknown to her, was very hesitant at first. but eventually she was able convinced herself to try it. thinking, it will be the last request she will do for him.

but then the mixed sauce melted and lingered on her tongue as if it conveyed a thousand promise. the noodles, though partially uncooked, became the tastiest strings of flour she ever tasted. she enjoyed it or better yet loved it. it was as if she ended a long search and finally found what she was looking for all along.

a smile appeared on the boy's lips, that sealed the day and the following years that came.

***

ever since the boy left, the girl religiously visit the same kiosk, trying to produce the same mix the boy prepared for her, believing it would bring him back.

for years, she played with lemon sauce, chili oil, teriyaki, oyster and garlic. but none of them brought him back.

until one day, she received a message from the boy, stating that he is finally coming back home. ofcourse, the girl was excited; too excited that she almost jumped of her seat.

when the day came, the girl patiently waited behind their gate. wondering if the door bell will still sound the same or if it will produce a special timber or tone. she never even felt their tiled floor this warm. then suddenly, her phone rung. it was him.

"hey! can you meet me somewhere else? i am currently not at home. so i thought if we will be going out, i could just meet you there, wherever that may be."

the girl then suggested the same noodle kiosk and the boy with a confused tone affirmed.

hours later, the girl saw herself standing infront of an entirely different person. the boy, now a completely grown up man, is almost half a foot taller, wearing a quite formal attire for the place (different from the baggy clothes he used to wear) and a smile that seemed to be long forgotten by innocence. in a way, she felt a sudden awkwardness. they both felt a little bit uncomfortable.

after brief hellos, the girl immediately ordered two bowls of noodles to a now different vendor, but still wearing the same tired smile. she then excitedly hand it over to the boy, who looks a bit confused at first.

but when he finally remembered. he took the girl's bowl and randomly put different sauces in it. the girl then tried to memorize every sauce that he put: 2 spoon of oyster, a spoonful of teriyaki, a bit of chili and lemon sauces.

the girl with her buds excitedly anticipating, dig a forkful of rich sauced noodles. she pressed it deeper to her tongue, pressing the taste to linger her buds. she played the noodles inisde her lips until it lost its firm. but she found no memories. no picture of the boy nor the taste she once knew.until she eventually realized that she became a stranger to her own present and feelings.

the street raconteur

they walk under the cloak of darkness. nourishing their frailing bodies with deep breathe of sweet grease. but no matter how they extend their arms to every shadow that passes infront, it seemed like they still remain invisible from them.

source

everyday i see these three vagabonds infront of an abandon ruin, either sitting beside time or sleeping their hunger away. but despite their silence, i still hear their tragic stories. i feel the turmoils of every single drop of pity they receive. despite being the only true raconteur of this fast and apathetic realm. painting life with their pungent scent and mixing the remaining flavors of humanity.

but when all the sufferings could no longer be hold and the only thing left was hopelessness, someone finally heed their plead. tears began to fall, carrying the promise of cleansing the grime of human selfishness. it was so abrupt that no one even thought of building an arc. as if nothing was really meant to survive.

source

then suddenly, after the indolences and differences were washed away, everyone started claiming their were them. they started mimicing the same melancholic rhythms with their own tales, begging for the same appeals and stretching the same arms. nonetheless, they were heard.

source

at last, everyone heard their stories; discovered and showed what care is all about. now they could finally say that their tale already reached its final page.

but yesterday, three weeks after the catastrophe, i passed by the same ruins and noticed it empty. i wondered, where they are? where they have been at the time when everyone has no place to go, even in the ruins? if the slightest care even reached them? or if after everything that happened, they simply left, still without other people noticing them.

source

in memory of those, whose names were not known.

first day bummer

A wink of reality in a make believe

set up we've made
Both peeking into the holes
of our imaginations
seeking for the perfection
we keep on denying

A play of struggle,
from the steaming pot of lust
and lost box of love
we keep losing track

weave me,
your delicate satin
And let us cover ourselves
baring the emptiness inside
for the whole world
to witness and feast
with laughs and prejudice

*entitled, knealing plead, dated 11/2005

INTERMISSION NUMBER:
cast your vote kung sinong blogger ang gusto niyong sumayaw ng mga sumusunod:

**si joaqui miguel sa megamall, marian rivera, sabay sabay tayo.



*** eto naman para kay jepoi sa lrt2, pussycat dolls, jai ho.



**** ito para kay dabo sa gym, pussycat dolls, sway.



*****
at ito ara kay mugen, moony, im flying away.



o kaya naman si tripper na nakatopless, low rise jeans at walang brief doing florida's low.



at humanda na kayo para sa isang ultimate dance number na hindi niyo malilimutan! HAHAHAHA!

siyempre kelangan pumayag muna sila! hahahaha

haay, i am such a bummer! hahaha!

jumping dresses over hot heads

come to think of it, we came from the same school of thought, social sciences. you are in psychology, while i am in social anthropology.

source

although we (should) know, how "glamorous and empowering" these fields are, considering we are able to explain and observe human behaviors and interactions, we are still bound to its flaws and shortcomings. thus, we should not put ourselves above the rest. for regardless how predictable and general human behaviors can be, we still cannot limit them on certain categories and underestimate how human mind works.

no wonder we don't have laws and just rely on theories, and these theories are never constant either. they evolve, give birth to another and will never stop until they become a law--- until absolute truth is reach (which i believe is still a long way to go).

for you, crossdressing and transgender are abnormalities. while for me, it is a matter of preferrence. basically, what i am just driving at is the moment you tag them as abnormalities or disorders, you are already implying that they are atleast a disease, contagious or genetics and curable or controlable.

but, in my perspective, it is a preference. cross-dressers and transgenders are like that because they chose to be one, reared by their personal and social environments and not by certain gay genes or hormones.
although, most would argue that hormonal stimuli are still factors to be considered, it could still not be denied that such identity is brought about more by their own personal decision.

source

then, you raised that it is scientific, that through psychiatry and its empirical means, psychology or atleast you have established that such cases are indeed abnormalities and disorders.

but history have already decided this, through the 1973 convention by the American Psychiatric Association, where they have already removed homosexuality as a mental disorder and not universally viewed as a pathology.

if these are still not enough, then lets just simplify things for the benefit of you and to those who are not in related to our field. perhaps, you are starting to tag me as know-it-all again.

but you have said it yourself, whenever you attend mass. it annoys you how much the church could be judgmental and discriminatory to homosexuals. but how is this different from your standpoint?

source

following the analogy, if church views it as evil, while psychology deemed it as an abnormality, would it also be the same if we say that while bible condemned it as a sin, psychology books identify it as a disorder?
i (will) never impose my standpoint into to you or anyone vis-a-vis the discpline i belong, and neither tell you that you should drop yours to give way to mine. for me, this was suppose to be a healthy arguement regarding interdisciplinary views to homosexuality, but the moment, you called me, "makitid ang utak," that was beyond my patience to endure.

i tried being as objective as i can be, like most of the arguement i had been. but you were the one who pushed me to my subjectivities. i am sorry, if i called you names. i am sorry, if i wasn't able to meet your expectations. and i am sorry, if i can't change myself and my opinions just for you.
let's just drop this off.

* ewik in his pa-intellectual tampuhan blues.
** no, this doesn't happen often. i can still make tampo because of lovelife, sexlife or even with the kikay earings that you are wearing-- and see i can also be konyo! (probably, joaqui is now laughing and enjoying this!)
*** and above all, no i am not a crossdresser or transgender, not because i find something wrong about it. or do you also want to have a piece of my pa-intellectual tampuhan blues?

**** this isn't funny, dabo, don't laugh?! hahaha.

can we blame them? chronicle: ang kondesa at ang reyna (the last installment)

sa isang malayo at tagong-tagong kareynaan, may dalawa makapangyarihan nilalang ang nag-aagawan ng kapangyarihan: si kondesa botomesa, ang mangbibiyak ng mga turumpong kangkarot at si reyna tirada, ang tirador ng mga mesang punggok.

walang mga mandirigma ang kareynaan dahil hindi sila naniniwala sa agresyon o pisikal na labanan. ang siste kasi, ang anumang hindi pagkakaunawaan o away ay dinadaan sa lambingan. pinagsasama ang magkakaaway o hindi nagkakaunawaan sa iisang bubungan.

walang kondisyon ang kasunduan. Pwede nilang gawin ang kahit anong gusto nilang gawin basta magkasama. paliligo, pagtatae, pagplupluck ng bulbol at kahit pagtatalik ng nakasabit sa puno ng balete, pwede.

walang din tiyak na pagtatapos ito. magpapatuloy hanggang sa may isa ang bumigay, manghina ang tuod at mahulog ang loob. samakatuwid, ang unang mainlove, talo at kung anuman ang pinagtatalunan ay ipapanig o ibibigay kung sino ang nanalo.

ito ang batas ng kanilang kareynaan.

kilala si kondesa botomesa at reyna tirada bilang mga kilabot ng kasunduan. naging mayaman at makapangyarihan ang dalawa dahil dito. madalas kapag may gusto silang makuha, gumagawa sila ng paraan para maagaw ito sa may-ari. madalas, dahil sa takot na mainlab, sinusuko na lang ng mga may-ari ang kanilang ari-arian sa mga ito.

kilala si kondesa botomesa sa kanyang pamatay na bongang-barurotan-teknik. samantalang si reyna tirada naman sa kanyang con-todo-romansa-totnak-teknik. madaming nahumaling sa kanilang dalawa, nainlove, nabaliw at may ilan ding nagpatiwakal.

pero ang pinagtatakhan ng lahat, ni minsan ay hindi nangahas ang dalawa na kalabanin ang isa't isa.

hanggang sa isang araw ay kumalat ang balitang namatay si emperetris versosa---AHHH! at kinailangan ng kareynaan ng bagong pinuno. nag-unahan ang dalawang hitad sa registration. nahati ang pila na kasing haba ng edsa sa dalawa. nag unahan ng naka full panggayak, kahon na lang ang kulang at animoy may ibuburol na.

sabay na nakarating sa unahan ang dalawa. nagkaroon ng pagtatalo kung sino ang nauna. BINGO! pinataw ng kareynaan ang batas sa kanila at napagkasunduang kung sino ang unang sumuko ay siya ang papalit sa na namatay na empretris versosa--- AHHH!

nagsama nga sila.
sa kanilang pagsasama, tatlong taon, silang hindi nag-usap at naghintayan kung sino ang gagawa ng unang hakbang. mga 6 and a half years nung, di sinasadyang magtama ang kamay nila habang natutulog. then another 15 years, 5months and 21 days, nang narinig nila sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ang boses ng isa't-isa. Nung nagcelebrate silang ng silver anniversary, unti-unti ng naging pisikal ang kanilang relasyon. kailangan nang masahehin ng kondesa ang kumekebang na spine ng reyna. samantalang finafacial naman ng reyna ang tinutubuan na ng kamoteng mukha ng kondesa. di naglaon naging malapit sila sa isa't-isa hanggang sa natutunan ng humirit at mang alaska. at sa unang pagkakataon nagtalik sila. lumabas ang kani-kanilang natatagong mga teknik. sabay-sabay na biyak ang mga trumpong kangkarot at napilayan ang mga mesang punggok.

nagsigawan ang mga tao. nag-alunlungan ang mga aso. nagkatitigan ang reyna at kondesa. hinihintay kung sino ang unang bibitaw. inabot ng umaga ang titigan, animoy unang kumurap na ang labanan. hanggang sa pareho silang sumuko at nagyakapan. magkahawak kamay silang naglakad. tiyak nilang naghihintay na ang mga tao sa labas at inaabangan kung sino ang nagtagumpay. sabay nilang binuksan ang pintuan at nagulat sa nakita. wala na ang buong kareynaan.

walang nagtagumpay.