weekend pebbles

something came out from the back, crossed above my shoulder and reached my hand. i heard a name despite the beat pounding music. while a wide and warm smile illuminated against the flickering darkness as i turned for its source. it was one of the shadows that were seating infront of our table that dragging friday night.

so i gave a name as i reached for that hand.

"hey kirby, my friend actually wants to meet you. i hope you don't mind?"

surprised but still calculating, i turned to my friends to ask them for their opinion. and with their approval, i excused myself for a minute and followed the shadow as it made its way to its friend.

compare to other people of my age, i must admit i am a newbie when it comes to this kind of acquaintanceship. perhaps because i can't get along with other people that easily. for me, if i am already having a hard time talking to my friends' friends, then what more to people you meet inside bars. or probably i still haven't outgrown what my parents had taught us when we were kids, to never talk to strangers.

but i realized in a place like that, any gesture of politeness is the best response to any act of appreciation.

J was older than me. but J looks younger than i am, and definitely more fit. i offered my hand and gave the same name i gave earlier. but J didn't greet me with a smile. instead, J grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward its body and gave me a tight hug, one of the tightest hug i could remember. then that was the time, confusion began to sink in.

this was not the same response i used to read in knoxx's entries, nor the same scenes in tristan's tales and definitely, not among the perfect moves of THE tripper.

i might missed something, i thought. but what?

being the paranoid me, the first thing that came in mind was to check for my pockets. but it seemed like everything were still there, and that made me more confused.

J didn't talk that much and neither do i. most of the time, i would catch J just staring at me that made me really conscious. there were already a number of things running inside my head: and most of them were fruits of my own paranoia, meaning, its not good.

after three dances or so, i felt i had to go back to my friends, so i had to excused myself to J. but even before i left, J then grabbed my hand and gave me a tightier hug. and i don't know if it was just me, or i didn't really feel any malice from it.

it was warm but at the same time it felt very lonely.

as we made our way to my friend's place, i have realized two things that morning: one, that appreciation is so rare these days for it seems like everybody keeps on striving it for themselves, that they have already forgotten on noticing and giving one to others; putting so much effort solely on how they look, act, behave and even to their works. call it a pick up move, but receiving one from others is such a precious and wonderful feeling. and by saying this, i also realized that perhaps for most people, appreciation is also one of those simple things that keeps them from going back to such places.

***

going out the next night was not in my list of how to spend a saturday night that day. but because of my rampant reputation of being kaladkarin, it didn't take a sweat from another set of friends to convince me to accompany them.

but honestly, i am really hesitant with the idea. not because, i am only wearing a simple gray shirt, a pair of jeans and hiking shoes, but because of many virtual memories of the place. not to mention the fact that aside from my friends, A also tagged along.

the place was filled with a concoction of expensive perfumes, decorated with moving sophistication, and gorgeous smiles. never thought that my eyes would dance that intense than my body.

but when the crowd started to clear the ledge to give way for the special acts, faces emerged and all the virtual memories began to materialize. the hesitations became regrets and the rest of it left me to become as hard as a rock.

i remember a friend, who once asked me, how do you manage to keep them?

i answered him, i don't. i just try.

sometimes you just have to bear the hurt in order for you to keep what is left from it. and at the end of the day, you just hope that you'll forget it, eventhough, you know it will be difficult.

i admit, i over rationalize things, to a point it over boards to the negative side. i lack spontaneity when the situation needs it. i shut down my emotions eventhough its just about to ignite. and above all, i pretend to be brave just because i know i am scared: scared of doing the same mistakes again and getting hurt. but what i didn't realize was that those impulses, mistakes and fears can also come up with good things, right decisions and timely actions, because that affirms other people that one is still human, capable of loving and being love.

thus, as we left the bar, i allowed my impulse to finally embrace me. an act was made not to restore anything from the past rather to come up with an answer for the next day. until the answer stood infront of my window, waived me goodbye and ran as fast as it could until it disappeared for the second time--- again.

picture sources: www.loupiote.com

outside the circle: the crossdresser (part2)

next was nat, a cross dresser.

i must admit that ever since i was a kid and even before i met nat, i had an irrational fear against cross dressers: and that was solely against them. i can be with effeminates, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals, fems, fairies, butches and what have you. but not crossdressers. it was something irrational and baseless. thus, i can't really explain why. probably the least i could think of, is the impression that was instilled to me by my environment and i have carried over when until i grew up.

although i don't really have anything against them personally (or so i thought), i just feel uncomfortable when i am near them. that despite millions of pages that i have read about homosexuality and probably thousand of discussions about it, it was still insufficient to eradicate my fear completely.

then came nat.i met him at work. although we really didn't talk that much at first.

nat is your typical crossdresser that would enter the office with his louis vitton bag, shiny scarf wrapped around his neck, body hugging statement shirt, skinny jeans, oversized dolce shades and stilletos. probably if you are new in the floor, you'll be nailed in your seat, looking at him and thinking whether or not he is a dude or a babe.

source

but the thing with nat was, he was always reserve. you will seldom see him laughing or talking at the top of his voice. though he is always approachable and would never ever raise his brow on you.

one day, i met him in the pantry and we took lunch together. in a moment we were both overwhelmed with silence. then he decided to break the ice. i must say that he is a very good conversationalist. i haven't heard a single term from him that refered to fashion and hollywood stars. probably, he knew that my interest didn't rest there. we talked about various things: from the operations in the office to society and politics.

i invited him downstairs to smoke, in which he gladly accepted although he don't smoke. we continued our talk there and waited until our lunch break was over. in a way, i felt quite guilty. for i thought that probably he was just refraining himself from talking about his own interests. but in second thought, from the way the conversation went, you would not feel that the topic was actually alienating him. in fact, he was so good and hooked into it that my words are already failing me. for the first time, i dropped my walls against a crossdresser.

the next day, he invited me over for lunch in the pantry. in which, i also accepted. from then on, we became regular lunch and conversation buddies until i resigned last april. thus, when i was asked to do a character in an independent film. but i didn't fit the character sketch. so i immediately referred nat to do it. fortunately he was able to get the main character and now the film was already done with its production. it will be shown in a local film festival so better watch for it.

meeting nat made me realized so many things about crossdressers. i realized how pitifully ignorant i was and people like me as well, to throw such things against them. you'll even be surprised to learn that they are experiencing probably the gravest of discriminations. for it is not only coming from heterosexuals. but also among fellow homosexuals.

in the society that we currently have, determining a homosexual in a crowd can probably be as difficult as looking for a needle in a haystack. by the introduction of various homosexual classifications such as bisexuals, straight-actings, gay males etc. especially within urban/metropolitan settings, the image of a male homosexuals have transcended from the typical cross dressers into a more "tolerable image." some would actually argue that such introduction have benefited some male homosexuals for the gradual change in the picture of them have lessened the effect of discrimination. some actually called it as chamelioning: camouflging or adapting to its environment to avoid potential attacks.

however, this did not appraise the status of the cross dressers at all. in fact, if you're going to look at it, this actually made their status in a way, worst. for they are already being discriminated by bisexuals etc as well. most of the latter argue that they don't want to be near cross dressers for they open themselves (in terms of cross dressing being too loud and effeminate) from the discrimination of others. in addition, this also made finding a lover or a partner very difficult than before. for almost all male homosexuals nowadays, prefer to have a more masculine and straight acting partner than having an effeminate and cross dressing one.

but i don't really feel bad or worried for nat. some may think that its something like parents feel, worrying about the future and happiness of their gay child. thus, they repress it. but i will never advice nat to be more masculine in order to be happy. for i already know that he already is and simply being himself will even make him happier than everybody else. and who knows, if he was able to realize and made write me these, he can actually do the same to every person he will meet in his life. that they will also learn, just like me, that the personality of a person should not be judge by how they look, what they wear and what there preferences are. they should be treated just like any other individual: respected based from what you have gained from them and value for the things that they have marked and thought you.

for the first time, let's talk about fashion naman

i have never tried writing an entry about fashion. in which, i find very appealing to most people. i notice a lot of people, even friends who would go to shopping sites and fashion blog and web sites.

i bet, you would probably have atleast two sites that you go to that is related with fashion.

unfortunately, like singing, fashion is something that i am not comfortable/confident discussing with. nonetheless, i am willing to take the risk. so for my first attempt, here is the fartherst i could get when it comes to the hippiest fashion trend in the country.

abner mercado (the trend setter)

friend: teka, teka, teka... di ba reporter yun? kelan pa siya naging trend setter?

ewik: eh di tanungin mo sa mga taong nagsusuot at nakikigaya sa scarf niya, kahit napakainit dito sa manila!

kung di mo naman kayang tanungin, imaginin mo na lang kung gaano ka moist ang mga leeg nila. hehehe!

i hope i made well for my first attempt. hehehe.