how i manage my own quarter life crisis

* a forward entry inspired by roundtable challenge's resurrection. 

several months before graduating, i remember sitting beside a good friend on an abandoned pavement. arms wrapped around my worn out sweats, chest touching my knees while we were sharing warmth from a single cigarette stick.

we still cannot believe that several months from that time, we have to leave the ups and downs of college and start another chapter of our lives. although its not goodbye, we knew that everything will change and somehow our tears were the indicators that we refused to be ready for it.

the first few years were nothing near what we have expected. there were always those murmurs at the back of our heads which keep on reminding us of our frustrations. we always thought coming from a reputable university with good grades, being student leaders and having outstanding extra-curricular achievements would give us better advantage in landing the goals we aimed for. but it didn't. for the companies we applied and worked with, we were nothing but redundant and dispensable gears just to secure the operation is working. but what i hated the most was how we were treated based on our lack of relevant work experience. but i just couldn't blame them.

every time we meet, we were always almost penniless, working and jumping to one job to another which to begin with, we did not even like and we even agreed not to talk about our lovelives. but what were worst was the fact that these were not even the highlights of our quarter life crises.

looking back at it now, so many things have changed. the murmurs gradually became silent. we eventually landed on the path we wanted. she went back to the university to teach while i took the corporate life.

we don't see each other as often as before. we hardly keep in touch and deciding a meeting date or place usually take weeks to do. although we both have these challenges, we still both know that we have each others' backs.

so how did i make it? through several realizations:

first, always have dream. a practical and manageable dream. but make sure you are ready to fail and that you are willing to invest a lot of time and patience in it. dreams are never achieved over night, not even months or years. surprisingly, i have realized mine were usually found in places where i didnt expect them to be - most of the time among hard, difficult and similarly stagnant places.

second, always think that there is no such thing as a "deadlock" job. although something has to pay the rent, people should stay and work for the knowledge and experience and not simply for the money and benefits. despite how stagnant or slow moving a job may be, as long as you are learning and gaining experience- stay; stay like a growing tree. whenever you are thinking of leaving, always ask yourself if you are willing to go back at step 1 in exchange of an additional grand.

third, build a career. build a career not defined by movies and TV series which are usually based on high salary, benefits, nice clothes, cars or fame. build yours based on  your own sense of fulfillment and success.

fourth, never go where the money is going; rather follow where your career goes. at the end, you will realize that money and fulfillment go to whoever follow their career.

fifth, learn to appreciate. although there are people who were born with a lot of goodluck genes, most people were just born. for most people, they achieved there dreams without even realizing it because an actualized dream may happen to be different from how we imagine it. hence, many tend to overlook it and less appreciative of what they have.

in writing this, it doesn't mean that i have already reached my goals. in fact, i am still working on an 8 to infinity shift, with OTTY (Over Time, Thank You) while stealing some time writing this entry. i have no car and i am still renting an apartment with a couple of friends who i need to share the expenses. but i am contended.

i like the feeling that despite the stress and work problems, i can still smile and feel a certain level of fulfillment whenever i go out of work. then i am greeted by a warm embrace when i arrive home.

i like the feeling that time flies because somehow i like what i am doing. and most specially, i know that the knowledge and experience i am gaining will eventually carry me to my next dream. so for those, experiencing this, just stay put and be a tree; patient but growing. its just a phase.

how am i?

i guess this is the time of the year when everyone turns back to where they have started. and i will not deny the fact that its been a while since i have posted an entry here.

it has been two years since i have decided to come up with a lifelist. and surprisingly, i was able to accomplish most of it. and while drafting this, i was able to cross out another one.

a saving's account. thanks to my boss who is trying to be a father to me for more than a year now. he ordered our finance manager to open me up one and argued that i need to be mature enough to think of my future. you will not believe what he tells me everyday at work, on top of business.

for the past months, i am just busy with work. probably, because i already have a team to manage and did not realize how difficult it is.

basically, i go to work at 8 and usually leave by 9 or 11 in the evening; that is from monday to saturday. but despite these, i am not complaining. in fact, if i did not write this post i will not realize that i have been doing this for the longest time now. lets just say i am simply enjoying what i am doing now because of what i have experienced before with the jobs that i really did not like doing (which i also chose not to dwell anymore).

last weekend, i had the chance to go to singapore and watch a broadway play that i always wanted to see, aside from rent and the phantom of the opera. it was wicked. the play just left me wordless whenever someone ask how was it. it was just too nice to be spoiled. but the trip also made me realize, a number of things i never expected will happen at least to me.

traversing this rich city opened me to a lot of things and even the possibility of working abroad, which i never really entertained before. the city provides almost everything a young professional would dream of, which simply equates to a more promising career. but beyond this, i decided not to be very hasty with my decision. try not to go with what other young people like me did.

honestly, my boss was a bit hesitant in allowing me to go to singapore. i knew he feared that i may not come back like what happened to his staff before me.

i am not even sure if what he told me was just to convince not to go or stay in singapore. but what he pointed at has some truth on it. he believes that the reason many young filipino professionals fail in singapore and returns back is because of lack of experience. most of them just risk going there after graduating because of the promise of a good opportunity without really equiping them with the right sets of skills and expertise. so having that in mind, i guess its will be just an open option for me. something that i could always go back to if worst comes to worst and if i already have the right skill sets and experience.

but it also made me think that i should travel more often. see the world more. a new lifelist for this year came in mind. 3 abroad and 5 (new) local destinations. luckily, someone asked me to do some "surprising engagements" in boracay next month. and regardless, how absurd it was, who can refuse an all expense paid trip?

after this, i am planning for another backpacking adventure in mindanao. i have only been to mindanao once. it was cagayan de oro last august, Eid al-Fitr to be exact. but it was more of a work engagement so i was not able to enjoy the place at all. hopefully, my itinerary and the people who are suppose to go with me (you know who you guys are), will push through. in fact, i have already my itinerary booklet prepared since last year. i have this thing with preparing itinerary booklets for each trip. see?

however, please be guided that i have no plans of turning my blog to a travel blog. let's just say i am widening my places to wander for wonders.

'til next time and take it easy, guys.

random conversations, attraction and life thoughts

when i was growing up, i was believed that mutual attraction is the union of opposites; a never ending cycle of compliments; a concoction of appreciation and understanding of what lacks or whats different.

source

as one of my grade 5 teachers will always say during her discussion with puberty; boys will always like girls and girls will always like boys. like magnets, opposite attracts and similar repel- thats the law of attraction. Then the year after, i’ve heard she was already handling religion.

when i was in highschool, it became somehow different. but it was only when i reached college, when i finally realized that not all boys like girls and not all girls like boys. same goes with not all gays guys only go with straight men and lesbians only go with straight women.

it was just the other day when some officemates and i noticed how P already developed this talent with his lips. discreetly pointing it to someone he finds cute. and being pros on our own fields, we found our own discreet ways and poses just to find his object of attraction. then eventually laugh with each other after realizing how stupid our efforts were.

"go after him," S advised.

"do you think he's gay too? what if hes straight?" P asked while still locking his stare at the guy.

"would it matter if he is?" T followed.

"of course, it does. i don't want to get myself smacked on the face after making the first move--- thats every gay guys hook up dilemna."

"but isn't that what gay guys after--- straight men?" R reacted.

i tried hard not to laugh. then thats the time i felt that the conversation is becoming very interesting and we will be extending our lunch.

"where are you from? still stuck in the 80s?" P reacted.

"gay guys can only go with straight men if there is money involve, at least that is how it was from how they’ve portrayed it in the movies," T followed.

"wait... so you mean, if a straight guy sleeps (with all the word connotes) with a gay guy with no money involves, he is no longer straight?" it was R.

"of course!"

"but what if the guy is just simply horny that time and just need to find something or someone to release it with, wouldn't that at least be an exception?"

"i believe that for sex to be called sex, there should be at least attraction involve to titillate your thing or at least work your drive--- "

the line "opposites attract, similar repel" whispered inside my head.

source

"so if the straight guy was able to have sex with a gay guy, he should be at least attracted to the latter." (T)

"right!" (P)

"so he is no longer straight!" (R)

"yes! because of the law of attraction---" (S)

Again, i repeated the line inside my head while S stated it,

"opposites attract, similar repel."

"at least if we are following the law of attraction, attraction is purely among opposite sex."

then T argued, "how about attraction with the opposite preference?"

now there goes a rebuttal statement. how a subject of differences, drawn out from a similarity, produces an attraction.

“straight curious,” P exclaimed.

R laughed, “theres such a thing?”

“are you really in the same timeline as we are?”

“i guess so.”

everyone laughed.

“but actually sometimes the label is more of a front,”

“for what?”

“market value...”

“what are you chicken?”

“hahaha! you see, in the world where i am at.”

“internet world i supposed,”

“right! hahaha!” P continued, “the more straight looking you are, the higher your market value.”

“so i’m right, gay guys still go after straight men,” R replied.

“theoretically, true. but technically, not really.”

“so how would you know if someone is just saying he’s straight curious for a front?”

“if he already slept with more than one guy and he is still saying he is curious.”--- more laugh.

“is that something absolute?”

“nop, just figured it out on my own.”

“but why do you need to look as straight as possible? and wheres this market?”

yes. sometimes or most of the time, R’s naive-ness is really beyond normal comprehension.

“its somewhere in the wet area of nepa-q mart. Just try asking the porters outside for directions.”

We all laughed.

“actually, i remember another gay friend who explained to me that he prefers looking straight and having another straight looking as a partner, makes them hidden from other people’s judgment.”

“yeah, make sense.”

everyone agreed even R got the idea.

“so wheres that cutie again?” S broke the silence.

“he’s gone!” R replied.

“tsss! sayang! who started this conversation ba kasi? kainis!”

hahahaha!

believe it or not, i didn’t say a single word from this conversation. i just realized, sometimes, it’s just fun to listen. set aside your views and discover what other people have to say.

seriously, i never really expected my officemates to have this kind of conversation. probably, i underestimated them. but yes, probably that is the wonder of not expecting to much from someone, they just surprise you.

source

s,t, r, p and i came from different schools and courses; different family background and interests; hence, different views, ideologies and opinions. most of the time, we are only binded with topics regarding work. after lunch that day, i just realize that regardless of differences the openness and diversity of such issue have gradually found its place on our life thoughts---

just because of random conversations like this and if only people will just start to listen.

dilemma

A and I decided to meet in glorietta at 7pm last saturday. i just came out from work while she came from the gym and we thought of pigging out in dads afterwards.

A is one the closest clients i had for a project. as unprofessional as it may sound, unexplainably, we were able to transgress our working relationship outside of business.

she is a very interesting woman. she has this weird fascination with lace and loves wearing them on her hair, stitched it on her dress and even make it as a bracelet and accessories. and regardless, how disconnected they were with her pink gym rubber shoes that day, she still chose to wear it. indeed, she is weird. but i like calling her unique. even her work is unique. well, she happens to be the only woman doing her job in the country. and no, she is not dra. fortun.

on our third plate, i called for a tummy break. darn! we weren't even on the dessert part yet. then i wondered,

"A, why haven't you settled down yet?"

oh no, did i just think it out loud? good thing she didn't take it personally.

"actually, i am not sure. i just can't find him, i guess. why did you ask?"

"mmm... just curious."

she is already on her 30s but looks way younger. she is pleasantly unique and good looking, intelligent, witty and funny. she confessed over one of our past dinners that she haven't had any serious relationships nor went back to the dating scene since she broke up with her last boyfriend years back.

"so who are you often with?"

then she started saying guy names. there i figured,

"all gay men i supposed?"

surprised, she asked, "how did you know?"

" well other than the times you keep on answering me with, 'WIT!' as 'NO' and asking me, "bakirt?" for "bakit?" is already a give away but realizing that you are still single and often hang out with gay guys actually made a lot of sense."

* * *

then i remember, a close friend, a self-confess hardcore fag hag.

"im convinced! i want to be a man in my next life."

"why? giving up in finding mr. right?"

"actually, it is the very reason why i want to be reincarnated as a man. i just find it easier for gay men to find a relationship."

"but have you ever thought how long these relationships last?"

"it doesn't matter! it is better to challenge yourself rather than just wait and witness life chances pass you by."

she actually made a point.

* * *

"i enjoy their company after my best friend introduce me to their circle," A explained.

"let me guess, is he your male best friend from college, who you fell in love with before you knew he was gay."

she laughed with embarrassment, "and the worst part of it, was i cried and blamed him for not telling me because i already have too much emotional investment and expectations on him."

we both laughed.

"imagine, when he introduced me to his secret circle in one of their parties. all good looking men that you will never have a hunch they were gay. i was just laughing the entire time. even came to the point that i end up sleeping in between them on a king-size bed that night and realize at the end that it was the safest place in the world. who needs a boyfriend if you have an entire crowd, right?"

"i think, you just don't know anymore."

"uhm. so are you playing fortune teller now? don't know what?"

"hahaha. you just don't know how to handle men anymore. i mean heterosexual men"

from there, i just noticed her turn red.

"perhaps, i just find straight men boring these days and difficult in keeping a good conversation with."

"OR you just can't stop comparing them with your gay friends."

silence.

"are you open with the idea of being single your entire life?" i was starting to be straight forward at that point.

"i think so."

"but do you still hope of having a family of your own?"

"of course!"

"A, I am not suggesting you detach yourself with your gay friends because i perfectly understand how you enjoy being with them but i guess, for the hope of you having a family, it will be best for you to prioritize."

"what do you mean?"

"lets say after this dinner, you received a text from that good looking new office mate of yours, inviting you for a coffee and then seconds after, you also receive an invitation from your best friend saying his throwing another house party. who will you say yes?"

another brief silence.

"i guess, i know what you mean. it just feels like im facing this dilemma and the only way out is to always go back to where i feel i am comfortable with."

"well, i guess, that's an innate response."

in the perception of some girls, particularly fag hags, gay guys are the epitome of a perfect man. they believe, most gay guys are smart, intelligent, possess remarkable sense of humor, emotional, thoughtful and most importantly, very sensitive and empathic. and if extremely lucky, they can also be really good looking and at the same time physically fit compare to other heterosexual men.

unfortunately though, they knew, being perfect is next to being impossible--- simply because of preference. while some are just believers. they believe that there is that hope that they can turn a gay guy (they like) straight then eventually end up crying but becoming the best of friends at the end.

i guess, i just find A a catch. a treasure that most men fail or miss to turn as of the moment. she may be unique on her own way but i believe that she can be the best other half for someone who is also looking for a lifetime partner.

funny what A told me before we called it a night. how she would love to be reincarnated as a gay guy too just to find mr. right easier (when i was just about to tell her that story of my close girlfriend).

if she only knew.

hey, did we just confirm a sign here or what? :)

exploring FREEdom

it will always be there. the rag of horses galloping inside my chest drawn by uncertainties. but the unfamiliar scent of the boarding area i took that day made me realize how different it was from the other lane i usually take.

the departure area was way more silent; almost barely empty; as if it was indeed a living machine brewing loneliness and griming farewells. i can just imagine how many people cried in this sea of waiting and lonely benches. while the lane at the other side was full of people excited to be reunited. honestly, being inside the departure area, didn't really help me with the fact that i will be going out of the country alone and for the first time.

the three hour flight was spent mostly of reading the same magazine (i've been reading in that airline for almost two months that time); writing mental notes and itineraries, practicing some commonly used local phrases and convincing myself that everything will be alright as long as my sense of direction will not fail me, that i know how to read and i have enough money in my pocket.

so as soon as the captain welcomed us to Suvarnabhumi Airport , i knew its wanderer mode on. so the first thing i did was to exchange my money to the local currency; buy a local sim card since our receptionist forgot to activate the roaming service of my line; and find a local map.

but never did i imagine that i will be welcomed by an immediate challenge.

looking my way out, the sign boards and maps made me felt like i was a five year old kid again just staring and figuring out what those doodles meant. so i thought of asking for directions instead.

from the airport, my plan was to get to khao-san road, where most of my friends recommended me to go because of cheap accommodation. just to realize later that its recommendable if you are coming from bangkok airport and not from Suvarnabhumi, which is like 2 hours away from khao-san during non-rush hours.

nonetheless, i politely approached and asked a man who was waiting for the shuttle service.

"sewasdi!" the first word i learned. the man warmly smiled, bowed his head while both palms are together. unlike here in the philippines, people in thais are more welcoming to people who looks like them.

pretty cool and nice, i thought.

but the moment i asked, "would you know how can i get to khao-san road from here?" his warm face turned into something that resembles into fear. he immediately waived his hand as a sign of rejection and immediately just move away from me.

what did i say wrong? is khao-san road a very dangerous place? and prohibited in this country to be talked about? did my friends just throw another prank at me?

that incident made me a bit paranoid. it felt as if i missed out something in the picture. it took me another thirty minutes just sitting on one of the airport's benches to come up with another strategy. luckily, i was able to spot a tourist assistance center. for travellers visiting thailand, these centers are friends!

the receptionist told me that there is no direct route going to khao-san from that airport and just take a cab from there.

but i told her, no cabs (still brave enough to keep up in challenging myself) and will just take local transportation.

she smiled and told me to take the shuttle service going to the bus terminal and from there take another ride going to this place and then i just totally did not understand what she said next. so i just did what i understood. i bravely took the shuttle service passing the airport and just told myself to drop off where the bulk of people are dropping off. luckily, the strategy worked. i reached the bus terminal and immediately looked for the bus going to khao san road. unfortunately, the ticketing officer told me that there was no bus trip going to khao san that day and asked me to ride another bus which was later on objected by one of the dispatcher. and the story got more complicated and complicated. regardless, he told me to take a van ride going to victory monument. so again, i did what i was told and understood--- the last.

there are a lot of backpackers during that time, august. since most of the schools abroad are on summer vacation and classes resume by september. i met a lot of backpackers along my trip.

probably the rule of backpacking is always accommodate questions when you know the answer because almost everyone pays it forward and they know the dilemma one traveller faces in each trips.

on my way to victory monument, i met two korean girls who just came from another backpacking trip in indonesia and headed to the same route i am going. though difficult in communicating in english, there were sweet enough to give me tips on how to go by bangkok.

we bid goodbyes when we reached victory monument. the place at 7 in the evening is like cubao. buses were everywhere. crowd are coming from different directions. and even the people's faces were almost the same faces you don't seem to notice whenever you commute.

it was already 8:30 in the evening and i still cannot locate the bus number, the korean girls told me to take going to khao-san. actually, the moment i started reading and locating the bus numbers on each of the waiting sheds i passed, i kinda forgot the bus number they told me to take.

but im pretty sure it was 18. so when i finally found it, i immediately jumped on a bus number 18 and find myself the nearest empty seat. the bus conductor was holding like a piece of bamboo where in all the coins and tickets were place. i told her, "khao san." as i expected, she asked me again. i repeated. then suddenly a man sitting in front of me, waived the same hand gesture as the man from the airport gave at me. i am now really developing this fear of talking about khao-san. the man talked to driver in thai then informed me that i took the wrong bus. he instructed the driver to drop me off to the nearest waiting shed and advise to take bus number 32. i felt a bit relieved.

the moment i stood up, i bowed at him, made the amen gesture and said, "kub kun kup." just to realize eventually that "kub kun kup" is thank you when refering to girls. it should have been "kub kun krap" since i am thanking a man.

it was total a disaster believe but all i can do that was to laugh at at myself the entire time. it was already 9:30 in the evening. so that will be 10:30 in manila since the latter is an hour ahead. it was really a long day and all i can think of is just to get a hotel and sleep the entire night. i figured, i just have to give up and hail a cab. so i tried. surprisingly, i noticed that it seemed like all the cab that pass by happened to have someone seated in the passenger seat. then i remembered, vehicles here are right-wheel drives! argh!

so already desperate, i hailed a tuktuk instead though i know they are far more expensive than taxis. eventually, we agreed with the amount and headed to khao san road.

to be continued.

patience also waits

three years ago, there was a boy who just kept on ranting about almost everything after college. he ranted about how he missed his friends in baguio, how he needed to spend so much just to have a good conversation over stranger after strangers, how he struggled in watching movies alone and keep all his thoughts to himself after the curtains close; and how frustrated and lonely he was walking along empty streets just to go to work, which he didn't even like, every sunday.

like any fresh graduate, he was full of idealisms and ambitions. he wanted to achieve and experience so many things and believed that he can do far more than what he was doing during that time. he was very anxious; as if he was always in battle with time. though he never really wanted to be rich nor famous, he was just simply scared that he might end up not doing the things, even him was not sure what they were. but after countless searches and attempts, he started trimming his options; bothering himself every night asking, what he did wrong and what he didn't do?

countless days and futile nights passed. but the same shadow didn’t let him go. until hopelessness devoured him completely. he just started not caring; and crying. he laid down on his bed and just let time pass and win him over. it was as if its the only thing he know he could do. the feeling was always paralyzing.

until an opportunity came.

there were a number of considerations at first but he still grabbed it. the environment was completely different. even in his wildest dreams, he didn't imagine himself working as one. of course there were times when he got tired and almost gave up. but during those time, he will always go out, waive a cab, pass it along a familiar building and ask himself,

"do you still want to return back to this?," while looking at different (un)familiar faces smoking, talking and enjoying every last seconds of it outside. he will pause and then his answer will make the cab turn back.

never did he realized that most of the things he was worrying about before just started landing one at a time in front of him.

i guess thats what they call patience, a friend told him.

tonight, as he waits for everyone to bid there farewells to him, he thought of opening and rekindling those posts again. he read them from one page to the next and could believe, he actually wrote them.

some he have already forgotten.

while some he remembered though the memory of every thought made this man a stranger even to his own words.

so whats keeping him busy these past months?

mostly work,

about a new company project,

a new team he is handling

and most of all, MORE wandering...

nostalgia

first is the dream. next, we encounter routines. then choice follows. finally, we meet our considerations.
but if our considerations overruled our choice, we end up dreaming again.
***
you wake up bathing with sweat.
even your eyes still half close, you instantly reached your phone; already knew where it was even if it roamed all over your bed the entire night.

you checked for some messages and missed calls. then reply to them with the least sense you could pull out from your head. the dream is still fresh. it messes itself with reality. but you wanted to remember it and don't want to forget just like the rest. hence, you held on it.

after realizing you are no longer dreaming, you get out of your bed and head to the toilet.
after you're regime, you go back to your cradle and turn the tv on.

you scan for any interesting show in a typical afternoon.
once settled, you open your laptop and check for any emails. you surf for a number of websites until your tummy pleads, that becomes your queue.
you then decide to put your slippers and hit the streets. you drag yourself in search for a place that you haven't eaten yet. but the choices are thin, especially if you are living in the same place for the last four years.

source

after taming your stomach, you then return back home. sadden with the realization that you have no place else to go.
while walking, you'll calculate how many hours left (like you usually do) before you go to work again. once you have determined it, you'll squeeze yourself out for something worthwhile doing. but the prize is as scarce as a diamond in a pile of broken glasses. so at the end, you find yourself forced to watch either a movie that you have already seen for the sixth time or daisy siete when worst comes to worst.
by the time you need to prepare for work, that is the moment that you'll start bargaining for another 15 minutes with yourself. chances are, if the diligent ego wins, you will have an extra 30 minutes to smoke before going to work. but if the stubborn-you wins, you'll lose another 200 php for the taxi fare.
then after a long day of work, you'll find yourself exhausted from walking and commuting towards home--- alone.
nothing in mind but to lay down on your bed and sleep until you never wake up again. until you dream the same dream again. the dream that you again, have forgoten.
you'll tell yourself that your routine seems to be endless.
***
contentment is probably man's missing other half. almost everybody keeps on searching for it through material wealth, bodily pleasure, emotional stability and even intellectual satisfaction. but sometimes, once it is achieved, we will then realized that it is not actually what we are looking for; that something is still missing. thus, we look again.
everybody is endlessly chasing it: without even knowing what it truly is, regardless of how uncertain the path maybe.
nonetheless, everyone will agree, that not all of us have the same form of contentment. it may vary. and for some of us, we even find our own contentment in the very routine that we are taking.

well, i just wish that i am one of them, that i could learn how to live and love my routine.

major major favor

"hey," said the message that popped up below my monitor screen.

"hey back. whats up?"

"can you do me a major favor?"

"let me see what i can do"

"can you temporarily delete me from your contacts?"

i was awkwardly surprised as million thoughts immediately flew in front of me, telling me bizarre reasons.

"why?"

"i'll call you. i'll explain it over the phone."

after a while, my phone rang. i answered it and heard a very uncertain voice; almost doubtful of whether he will say it or not. but i guess, cornered with the situation, he attempted. at least, he tried.

i knew M online. though we were never that close, we check each other once in a while and its been ages since we last did. so i was really interested on what M is going to say.

"can you check someone for me? but he shouldn't know that we know each other."

"how do you want me to check him?"

"pretend as if you are someone."

"someone like what?"

fillers. silence. more fillers.

i knew it was beginning to be uncomfortable for M. though a bit confused, i asked for the person's name and checked his digital prints.

"i just want you to pretend as if you are someone filthy capable of offering him an indecent proposal. i just want to know if he will bite it."

i felt as if something cold rushed to my head, screaming, HUWAAAATTTT??!!! but i figured i have to hear him out.

"i guess, he is a model?"

"yes."

"PLU?"

"no."

"hmmmm....so what am i going to do with him again?"

"alright. i'll be honest. i am currently managing him. but i have my doubts."

"doubts of what?"

"that he is using me?"

"you already slept with him, noh?"

silence.

"and now, you are developing feelings for him na din?"

longer and more awkward silence.

"how did you know?"

"booking."

"you had the same experience?"

"im referring to the movie."

"does he know?"

"i guess so.why are you making this favor so tough?"

"dude, of course. i need to know everything."

"alright, yes."

"why?"

M already refused to answer my questions.

"i cannot promise you anything. but let me see what i can do."

besides, my job has landed me to worst and i don't think it will hurt that much anymore especially if i am doing it for a friend.

***

but after we ended the call, it really made me think about it.

denial

sometimes, just like a shape sorter toy, regardless of how we force ourselves in the picture, how we fight for us to belong in the same frame and how we struggle and wish to be another , we simply just can't.

for the simple reason that we are who we are. instead of drowning ourselves with frustrations, we should learn how to plow the best out from it.

depression

i can sense that M totally understand this: that regardless of how perfect the picture maybe inside his head and how marvelous tomorrow maybe for them, the realization will still hit him that what M wants only serves himself and that M is silly to believe that M would eventually be accepted and appreciated, more than what he is receiving now.

its paradoxical how they are completely different despite being the same.

anger

M knows, this is just plain business. that what happened to both of them could probably be the guy's ways of gaining his real intentions. but M still insists.

why?

bargaining

because M believes that it is no longer the possibility that matters now. what he only wants is the guy's better welfare, that he will be a good husband and father to his family. M is no longer expecting anything in return. M just wants to be the good Samaritan to him, his angel, to put it on his words.

but at the end of the day, i only hope that when the lights are turned off and silence starts to creep in, this fulfillment will be enough to cradle his loneliness to sleep.

and

acceptance... to follow.

thinking post

finally...

source

when a close blockmate from college invited me to pass my resume in the company she is currently working at, i no longer hesitated. i immediately updated my cv and sent it to the email address she gave me.

fortunate enough, i received a phone call from an unknown number on the same day. it was a girl on the other end. she introduced herself, the company and a brief introduction with the job opening that i applied for. but what really got my attention was when the first question she asked me was,

"how tall are you?"

"i am around 5'10," i weakly answered. hesitant that i might have heard her question differently.

"good."

though relieved that i have heard it right, i was a bit confused on how my height was related to the work i am applying for, until the next day.

i came in 10 minutes before the appointed time. wearing a dark long sleeves and pair of black slacks, which i always wanted to wear. a girl in her 20s, wearing a floral blouse and a classy black skirt welcomed me and took my hand. from the tone of her voice, i instantly recognized that she was the same girl i talked to yesterday.

she handed me three sets of pamphlets as she walked me inside the testing room. inside, were three other applicants answering the same questionnaires. from the looks on their faces, i knew it will be not like the other application test exams i have taken before and true enough it wasn't. although there was the common IQ and abstract reasoning exams, the remaining parts of it was more of challenging your wits which i really enjoyed. some of the questions were:

"there are two US coins that adds up to 30cents but the other coin is not a dime. what are the two coins?"

"the tallest mountain is mt. everest. but what is the tallest mountain before it was discovered?"

"your friend is holding a photograph. when you asked him who was in the picture. he answered you in rhyme, the person has no siblings, the man's father is my father's son. who is the in the picture?"

and luckily, among the four of us, i was the only one who was asked to do the interview and the final test.

it was already after lunch, when the HR manager asked me to join the rest of my fellow trainees who already started their training since monday (i went in on a wednesday). from then on, i prepared myself for the next things to happen.

true enough, i was surprised with the training. it really felt like i was evelyn salt, with lips really pouting in every challenge that were asked from us. we enter malls, hotels, airports, commercial centers, bringing to life different covers. there i played a desperate applicant, an aspiring model, an executive secretary for a certain VIP waiting in the hotel lobby and many more.

there were even times when we were asked to walk certain areas in makati and memorize all access points, traffic flows, street lights and street signs. and even assigned to stand up on a certain spot in ayala avenue during rush hour and count all passing vehicles, their color, brand model and the last two digits of their plate number. while a co-trainee was doing the same thing on the other block, hoping that our tally would match.

honestly, the job is difficult and tiring.

most of the time, i go home with my feet or body killing me: or find it hard to catch sleep because i keep on thinking what my next cover will be on the following day.

but whenever i feel like ranting, i just keep on reminding myself of the days, when i used to wish for a job more exciting than sitting in front of my monitor screen--- feeling so hopeless.

rant

i believe its a common dream for everyone to say in his dying day that he have lived his life the way he really wanted it to be; with fulfillment sliding inside his pocket and mistakes wrapped around happiness and tied without regrets.
after almost a year, i finally saw myself walking along the still sleeping streets of ortigas, with the fresh ray of sun glistening on my face and soft morning breeze greeting my long dreamed corporate attire. i almost lost all hopes for this time to come. very thrilled and delighted, i was really looking forward of what the day have stored for me.
but i guess, the past is something that will not easily let you go. if only i have learned this sooner i should have wondered why its too easy to get in. then perhaps i would have realized the difficulty of going out.
i feel fear whenever i see myself on each tiring face that passes me, heading towards the opposite direction. while calming and telling myself that i will no longer take the same route again.
though it was not really something that i want to do for the rest of my life, atleast i want to believe that it was the next door to that.
until one day, i was woke up by the alarm of my cellphone. the name of my supervisor appeared above the message, telling me its time to wake up from this dream. that the past was not exactly my past rather it was a blot of a sheer possibility that it was my actually my fate to do this for the rest of my life.
i have never asked so much for myself. all i really wanted was to do something not exactly what i want but something that will atleast fill my contentment and give me a sense of my being.
some say just smile. for i have just reached the time of my life, where i have to choose of what path to take. unfortunately, i was born in a country, where options are not as vast as others. no wonder we are set to believe that options tend to complicate life more, to be (under) contended and that its always noble to leave.
but honestly, i have already reached the point, where the question what do i i really want to do in life became very very tiring and paralyzing at the same time. seriously, i would not regret missing half of my life if i would fast track my life five to ten years from now. i just want to do this and go over with it--- or perhaps this is just my frustration talking.
with these thoughts still haunting me, i decided to take a walk. hoping a heartful lunch will calm the turbulence and turmoil i was feeling inside. then i passed by this huge house right across the corner street. infront were two adorable dogs: a pomeranian in full coat running in circles inside a huge steel cage and a proud rottweiler with a leash tied around his neck. both of them were looking at the same direction, restless. so out of curiosity, i traced the direction where they were looking at, wondering what it was. then in my surprise it was another dog. a thin, dirty stray dog, sniffing for small hopes that will satiate his hunger.
from there i saw myself questioning again, who do i prefer the dogs whose master treats them well in exchange of their freedom or the stray dog who enjoys his liberty but scavenge for pity to buy him more time?



i know, decisions are always tough.

*i hate growing up. i hate adult life.

why i don't go to malate: a different angle

malate is indeed a place of the unexpecteds. it has this distinct characteristic of breaking norms, of opening possibilities and revealing unnoticed realities. its ironic how it promises sudden escapes, decadent fantasies and false hopes despite the evident sullied cloak of striving humanity.

after three years, a friend have finally convinced me to go back to malate last week. i admit, i was really quite hesitant at first. but not because of any downbeat reasons. perhaps, i just find the place not or no longer my turf. but then i thought of giving it a try again.

source

we were walking down the long and busy saturday stretch of nakpil. I could see the pounding music of every establishment mildly shaking the tables soaked with warm and blinking lights along the sidewalk. men on their tight shirts were calling out passer bys. i must say that they were carefully handpicked for the job. but we decided to have dinner first since the night was still young. when suddenly, we saw a familiar face, it was Y. he was gracious enough to invite us over their table and we were able to convince them to join us afterwards.

but while we were having dinner, I could not help to notice how interesting the place have combined the diversity of people: rich, bourgeois, poor, straight, gay, local, foreigners and the classification could be endless. But malate has this certain magic that dissolved these differences, to a point where everyone could only care less. I am not sure though if this is already acceptance, or tolerance or perhaps it could go as far as sheer apathy. And probably, I am there that night to realize it myself.

the place had a very large crowd that night. but my company told me that it was actually smaller than usual. a number of people approached our table. I could no longer remember there faces. but their begs definitely echoed inside my ears up to this very moment. there were vendors selling almost everything. A woman, probably in her 40s, even offered us to tell our fortunes. there was a father showing us a piece of paper, asking for his son’s medication. a mute who was wearing a two piece bikini and vibrantly dancing to each table for change. a group of children eagerly waiting for our leftovers. Until a familiar woman stood in front of our table, face sunk and cheekbones swollen, her body was the frailest I have ever seen and has a voice that scratches the deepest of our conscience.

source

now I remember her. she was the same woman in this local show, where they reunite separated relatives. how could I forget? It was her episode that I was moved the most.

when she was young, she abandoned her family in mindanao to look for a greener pasture here in manila. she never wrote to her family and basically cut her communication from them. many years have passed, but her life here in the city went from bad to worst and when she thought she had the nastiest blow, she found out she has cancer. the show’s staff tried to look for her family and bring them back together, only to know that the woman’s mother just recently passed away. while the furious father would not just simply accept her despite her conditions. probably, if I did not see her there in malate that night, it would not occur to me that the staff made them to look that the father finally accepted her, just for the sake of the show.

all I could do that very moment was to look at her as she moved away, carrying a sackful of empty bottles and cans. she approached all occupied tables that night but none of them spare her some change. i could see on her face that she has been numbed with the same blank reaction from people. Then I thought, when all cancer patients are resting and gaining all the strength they can have lying on their beds, she was there in the wee hours of the night getting all the trash and pity she can have to live and staring how life for most people are being enjoyed. i could imagine how horrible that could be.

when another friend arrived we decided to hit the bar. I pulled a couple of bucks from my wallet, with the picture of the woman still in my head. as I hand it over to the doorman, i then realized, how happiness could cost that much. how we can have the most advantage and benefits in life while some simply don’t no matter how they strive. and lastly, how decadence can make me realize all these.

as we entered the place, I was surprised how dark and many people were inside. it was an explosion of senses: the ear popping music, the humid, clashing sweating bodies and probably a hundred of faces that welcomed us, as we made our way inside. I only had three bottles that night, stripping almost all my hesitations with a friend and just allowing the spirit of the place, succumb me. but at the end of it all, as I was riding a cab home, beating the sun rise, i realized that life in malate was not really what’s inside its bars rather whats outside of it.

Now, I know why I don’t go to malate anymore, because in a way it reminds me of how my life was before. true enough, malate is a destination of escape to many, while a place of hope to some.

well, enough said.

i will just leave the rest to the mind of the master.hahaha. wink! wink!

the stage

she slowly lowered her hips and gracefully grind it to mine. then she neared her topless body on my sweating face. i could see her nipples from that distance. they were as hard and smooth as seashore pebbles that reminded me of the young ladies from our province splashing in the morning tide.

i wondered what is her name? her real name? where she came from? where she is living? and hows her life before and after this?

she then found her position above my lap and guided my hands towards her smooth back and slided it right on her behind. i could tell she have been doing this for quite sometime now. but what stuck me the most was the strong foundation scent on her body, that reminded me of my grandma who used to wear the same scent as she goes to church every dusk five years ago before she died.

then, she lightly pressed her breast on my bleeding cheeks as it revealed what she was hiding beneath her skin. if she have pressed it a little harder, i could have already loss my lips.

i then recalled the first girl i have laid my lips almost a decade ago. i know i was stil young and immature back then. but now, recalling it, i am proud to say that it was atleast the purest kiss i ever gave and received from someone.

suddenly she removed my glasses and tossed it to the air. for a moment i felt i was sharing the same bareness with her. she moved her way above me, body still touching each other. she was already a couple of feet above my head: standing on my seat and legs wide apart, when she revealed to me what everyone came for.

the crowd screamed. but i was still partly clueless for what will happen. all i know was my heart roared like it never did before. then i saw her pelvis coming. it was something that i didn't expect since we didn't get the vip room and just sat on the regular couch. i took a deep breath as if making a big plunge into something unknown. the cheering grew louder when she rapidly humped her behind right on my face. it was a complete shut down, i tell you. until she jumped off the couch and danced her way back to the stage. then she stared back at me. on that moment, she was no longer smiling, no more suggestive look neither a tempting grin. all i saw was just a blank and emotionless face that somehow told me a lot of stories about her.

suddenly, rapid flashes of images of my mom flew across my head. i knew that stare was familiar. until i realized that it was the same set of eyes that my mom used to give me whenever she pays me a visit here in manila and leaves back to bicol the next day. then i wondered if she has kid/s as well and if she gives the same stare before she goes here every night.

the night went through with more women dancing. most were topless. while some gathered all there courage to go out completely naked. you could see among everyone outside the stage that they were dying with their own anticiaptions. but for me it was more questions and more stories to contemplate.

until she finally came out of the darkness again. this time, she was covering her breast and vagina. she has this innocent stare, that just made everyone flying with their imaginations. they were completely out of their touches, not because of the alcohol they were drinking all night but rather with the sight infront of them.

then the next thing that happened was unexpected she dived right down with a split, lowered her breast until it touched the floor, pointed her finger to her lips, then acted as if she didn't have a clue of what happened. i honestly loss count of how many bottles i have drunk. all i could remember was i emptied half of my bottle in one gulp. then i thought, such desperate move might be calling for something really big.

when the music ended, almost 30 ladies came out and piled infront of the stage with number tags hanging on their bikinis. then the dj started talking and bargaining. everyone gave their best smiles and poses. for a moment, i felt like i am inside a market looking at the best catches for the day. as numbers were announced, each of the girls came down the stage and went to their respective tables. i was dead scared with the thought that one of my friends might ask for one as well. fortunately, they didn't.

when the time finally ran out, only five girls were left and one of them was her, standing on that almost empty stage. their smiles were no longer as wide as they had it earlier. but it wasn't clear what kind of emotion they were wearing.

nonetheless, for me, it was actually mixed emotions. i was happy because this would mean that they will be going home early that morning and atleast live the life away from this for the rest of their day. on the other hand, i felt sad for them, specifically to her, because afterall she have done for the entire night, she will be going home with thousands lesser than the rest of the girls. meaning, more nights to endure before she could actually save and live the life she really wanted.

after we called it a night and parted ways, i then realized that this experience just affirmed the feminist in me, and most especially the humanity in me.

if only people can just read stories behind whats actually infront of them, then perhaps, we can be more of the mirons than we are now.

when work talks

"do you remember a single day that i didn't tell you that i don't want to go to work?"

i am into it again, thinking of quitting my current job. the feeling is almost exactly the same as when i was with my previous work. although, the current is way better than my previous company, in terms of a million of things: salary, incentives, work load and even my interaction with my colleagues. but still, i keep on looking for something that will truly make me stay.

promotion? no, thank you. i don't want to put more baggages on my shoulder.
love life? can you just encash it?
additional bonuses and packages? i already have a complete set of the company's freebies and samples.
trip to any destination of your station? like how many miles are talking here? hehehe.

"there is a big difference between work and job. work is something that you do because you are force to do it. while a job is something, that despite of its disadvantages, you still do it because of the simple reason that you like doing it."

last monday, i met with some friends for coffee, a popular way of saying updating one another. then, i noticed the watch one of the guys was wearing. it was trendy and hip. so i asked him where did he get it. then he pouted his lips and pointed it to one of our friends. then the rest was the history, the next thing i knew i was creating an online shop. the result is promising.

"i feel envious with trees because they manage to grow and blossom eventhough they are just standing in one place," mugen.

a friend (?) taught me in essense that in life, it is not easy to achieve things you wanted them to be. you always need to comprise something in order to live with a part of that goal that you are wanting or better yet, needing.

as unfair as it may sound, that is how life goes. we may have our own riskful decisions, unbreakable determination and outstanding instruments to nail it, but still, it doesn't spell any guarantee. nonetheless, i am not going to be eaten out by my own pessimisms.

i can say that i am more determined and wiser than before. probably, just waiting for the perfect timing. i have already learned my lessons you know: never swivel a life turning point just because you woke up in the wrong side of the bed because you will end up broke for two famishing months. i have my plans and so far, i don't want to spill it out. as we say it in our place, "baka maudlot" (it may not push through).


let's just cross our fingers and give it a high toast!


and by the way, someone is going to go down!