how i manage my own quarter life crisis

* a forward entry inspired by roundtable challenge's resurrection. 

several months before graduating, i remember sitting beside a good friend on an abandoned pavement. arms wrapped around my worn out sweats, chest touching my knees while we were sharing warmth from a single cigarette stick.

we still cannot believe that several months from that time, we have to leave the ups and downs of college and start another chapter of our lives. although its not goodbye, we knew that everything will change and somehow our tears were the indicators that we refused to be ready for it.

the first few years were nothing near what we have expected. there were always those murmurs at the back of our heads which keep on reminding us of our frustrations. we always thought coming from a reputable university with good grades, being student leaders and having outstanding extra-curricular achievements would give us better advantage in landing the goals we aimed for. but it didn't. for the companies we applied and worked with, we were nothing but redundant and dispensable gears just to secure the operation is working. but what i hated the most was how we were treated based on our lack of relevant work experience. but i just couldn't blame them.

every time we meet, we were always almost penniless, working and jumping to one job to another which to begin with, we did not even like and we even agreed not to talk about our lovelives. but what were worst was the fact that these were not even the highlights of our quarter life crises.

looking back at it now, so many things have changed. the murmurs gradually became silent. we eventually landed on the path we wanted. she went back to the university to teach while i took the corporate life.

we don't see each other as often as before. we hardly keep in touch and deciding a meeting date or place usually take weeks to do. although we both have these challenges, we still both know that we have each others' backs.

so how did i make it? through several realizations:

first, always have dream. a practical and manageable dream. but make sure you are ready to fail and that you are willing to invest a lot of time and patience in it. dreams are never achieved over night, not even months or years. surprisingly, i have realized mine were usually found in places where i didnt expect them to be - most of the time among hard, difficult and similarly stagnant places.

second, always think that there is no such thing as a "deadlock" job. although something has to pay the rent, people should stay and work for the knowledge and experience and not simply for the money and benefits. despite how stagnant or slow moving a job may be, as long as you are learning and gaining experience- stay; stay like a growing tree. whenever you are thinking of leaving, always ask yourself if you are willing to go back at step 1 in exchange of an additional grand.

third, build a career. build a career not defined by movies and TV series which are usually based on high salary, benefits, nice clothes, cars or fame. build yours based on  your own sense of fulfillment and success.

fourth, never go where the money is going; rather follow where your career goes. at the end, you will realize that money and fulfillment go to whoever follow their career.

fifth, learn to appreciate. although there are people who were born with a lot of goodluck genes, most people were just born. for most people, they achieved there dreams without even realizing it because an actualized dream may happen to be different from how we imagine it. hence, many tend to overlook it and less appreciative of what they have.

in writing this, it doesn't mean that i have already reached my goals. in fact, i am still working on an 8 to infinity shift, with OTTY (Over Time, Thank You) while stealing some time writing this entry. i have no car and i am still renting an apartment with a couple of friends who i need to share the expenses. but i am contended.

i like the feeling that despite the stress and work problems, i can still smile and feel a certain level of fulfillment whenever i go out of work. then i am greeted by a warm embrace when i arrive home.

i like the feeling that time flies because somehow i like what i am doing. and most specially, i know that the knowledge and experience i am gaining will eventually carry me to my next dream. so for those, experiencing this, just stay put and be a tree; patient but growing. its just a phase.

salamat, pare

*an attempt to write a coming of age short story for a writing class many years ago.

Sure na ako, Rod.

Saan?

Bakla si kuya.

Ang totoo, naloka talaga ako sa sinabing yun ni Jake nang minsang tawagan ko siya. Bigla akong nagdalawang isip kung itutuloy ko pa ang balak ko.

Kababalik ko lang nun fresh from the city of pines para sa halos isang buwang sem break. At siyempre, isa siya sa mga agad ko’ng tinawagan para tagpuin. Hindi na nga kami nagkabosesan. Matagal-tagal na din kasi ng huli kaming nag-usap. Alam mo na, busy sa college life, adjustments and all that. Lalo na sa mga pagbabagong narealize ko duon. Ang tanda ko na nga, may mga realizations nang nagaganap.

Nagulat ako nang makita ko si Jake. Bigla akong naniwalang may pag-asa pa ang world peace. Ang laki ng pinagbago niya. Hiyang-hiya ang Doc Martens, na suot-suot ko at mainit-init pa galing UK-UK, sa gara ng kanyang boy next door look, nang magkita kami. Ipagyayabang ko pa sanang bente pesos ko lang nabili ang suot ko.

Bumukol ang matipunong pangangatawan ni Jake sa suot niyang puting shirt. Kapansin-pansin ang gamunggo niyang mga utong sa likod nito; and I confess father, may biglang pumitik sa loob ng brief ko. Pero malice aside, hindi mapagkakailang lumabas ang tikas at likas na kagwapuhan niya ngayon. Malayo na sa gusgusin at pilyong bata na mahilig umakyat at pumapak ng hilaw na aratilis. Hindi na nga mapagkakailang lahi talaga sila ng mga modelo’t artista. Nasan ba kasi ang nanay ko nung single pa ang tatay niya? Ewan ko ba.

Kuya?

Oo, Kuya ko, si Kuya Mark.

Anim na taon ang tanda sa amin ni Mark. Pero technically, mas matanda kami sa kanya dahil leap year siya pinanganak. May minsan din na pinagdudahan namin na baka special child siya.

Pero habang lumalaki kami, madalang namin siyang makasama ni Jake. Tahimik at reserved kasi siya. Kundi nagpapawis sa basketball ay nagkukulong lang siya sa kwarto. Kaya hindi na ako magugulat kung pagkakamalan siyang may sariling facebook ng mga imaginary friends. Teka, nasabi ko na bang leap year siya pinanganak?

Pero in a serious note, noong namatay ang tatay nila isang taon matapos makapasa ni Mark sa engineering board, siya ang sumalo sa pamilya. Winner siya sa pagiging Gawad ulirang kapatid. Sabay niya kaming tinuturuan ni Jake sa mga assignments at review college entrance exams namin. At kahit ngayong patapos na kami sa kolehiyo, siya pa din ang nagiging takbuhan namin kapag may mahihirap kaming mga proyekto.

Paano mo naman nasabi?

Basta parang may nagbago kay kuya. Napansin ko lang, pare parang pasikip ng pasikip ang damit niya,

Huh?! bakit ikaw?

Rocker ako. E, Siya wala namang banda.

            Siguro ngayon alam niyo na kung bakit kami magkaibigan, he never fails to surprise me. Kung may sariling mundo si Mark, may sarili namang perception sa mga bagay-bagay itong si Jake.

At ang choice of colors, ang sakit-sakit sa mata, daig pa ang reflector ng jeep.

Ayaw mo nun hindi siya masasagasaan kapag gabi.

Tapos puro branded pa. Paborito niyang brand yung… yung folded and twang,

Folded and hung.

Ang brand na galit ata sa mga big-boned at obese dahil daig pa ang baby Guess at Osh Kosh Bigosh sa fit.

Oo yun! saka… saka yung people is people.

Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Basta ang alam ko magaling si Jake sa Math.

At meron pa minsan nakita ko tshirt niya, Kamiseta. Di ba brand pambabae yun?

Baka naman metrosexual lang si Mark. Magkaiba ang pagiging fashionable sa pagiging bakla no.

Sabihin mo metrosexual, isang metro na lang homosexual na.

Oo na, daig ko pa ang supot sa pagiging transparent at halata sa itsura ni Jake na hindi siya kumbinsido sa mga sinabi ko. Naisip ko tuloy, papaano ko na lang sasabihin sa kanya ang totoo?

Yun nga din ang naisip ko. Pero ito, pare, madalas kapag gabi, tuwing pinipick up ko yung extension ng telepono sa taas. Nahuhuli ko siyang laging may kausap na lalake.

Lalo akong kinabahan. Mukhang aagawin pa ata ni Mark ang moment ko. 

Baka naman best friend niya.

E, Babae ang best friend niya.

Oo nga pala si Shiela.

Akala ko nga girlfriend niya yun dati. Hindi pala. Ang weird pa nun, babae ang best friend niya. Hindi ka ba nagtataka? Madalang na may pinakikila si kuya na lalaking kaibigan pwera na lang sa mga teammates niya noon.

Bigla kong naisip ang basket ball team ni Mark. Kung sineryoso ko lang sana ang basketball noong tinuturuan kami ng tatay nila, e di sana may I join the varsity na din ako ngayon. Aba, libre kaya ang tuition fee ng mga varsity sa amin. May libreng tanghalian pa.

Hindi naman basehan yun.

Kunsabagay. Pero yun nga lang din, pare. Iniisip ko paano na lang kung magladlad si Kuya? Kanino na ako manghihiram ng damit kapag naka bestida't make up na siya? Sino na ang magiging kalaro ko ng basketball kapag lumamya na kilos niya? Imagine, ang rookie of the year at MVP ng school ay isa palang manash?!

            My God! 1990s pa ng huling narining ko ang salitang Manash. Naawa ako bigla kay Jake. Naturingan na best friend ko siya but he is so out dated with the latest lingo. Pero may I shift ang topic ng bigla kong napansin ang takot sa mga mata ni Jake.

Ang kaparehong takot na nakita ko sa mga mata ni mama noong hinatid nila ako sa bus terminal patungong Baguio, noong gabing nakipaghiwalay sa akin ang una kong girlfriend at noong inamin ko sa mga kabahay ko ang tunay kong pagkatao.

Bakit lahat ba ng lalaki tubero o karpentero? Lahat ba ng babae housewife? At kung magkaganunman, ano naman ang masama dun?

Tahimik na napatingin lang sa malayo si Jake. Doon ko na nafigure out, na ito na nga ata ang tinatawag nilang drama.

Naalala mo si Sir Arceo, yung paborito nating teacher sa Chemistry. Di ba inamin niya sa atin noong graduation na bakla siya. Tingin mo ba malalaman nating bakla siya kundi niya sinabi? At wala namang nagbago. Siya pa rin ang paborito nating teacher nun, ‘di ba?

Hindi pa din umimik si Jake. Na-isnab ang ganda ng Lola Arceo ko. 

E, si tito Mike, yung engineer na kasama nila papa sa firm. Si Dr. Uy yung doctor ng papa mo noon. Di ba bakla din---.

            Natigil ang eksenadorang speech ko nang nakita kong nakatingin na lang sa akin si Jake. Mas intense na ang mga mata niya. Mas deep, dark and mapang-usig. Yeeeess! mapang-usig.

Pamilyar ang mga titig na yun. Kung hindi lang Jolina Magdangal sabihin parang natutunaw ako sa mga titig niya, siguro bumigay na ako. But don’t get me wrong, tama na ang isang press release for the day. Dahil sa ngayon, mas kailangan ako ng kaibigan ko.

Madaling sabihin yan kapag ibang tao, Rod, pero ibang kaso na kapag malapit sa iyo ang pinag-uusapan.

Jake, ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin, hindi  lahat ng bakla parlorista. At hindi din naman masama maging parlorista. Ang mahalaga wala kang inaapakang iba. Respeto lang yan para irespeto din tayo.

Maya-maya’y nakaramdam ako ng bahagyang pagkailang ng unti-unti linapit ni Jake ang mukha niya. In that distance, halos mabilang ko na ang hibla ng kanyang makapal na pilik mata, ang mga linya sa kanyang mapulang labi at maging ang biglang pagbago ng ekspresyon ng kanyang malamlam na mata. Then I realized, na gusto ko na lang tumambling sa pagiging matalinghaga ko.

Nakkkksss, ang lalim.

Sira! Sabay kotong sa kanyang bumbunan.

Arayyy… Actually, pare. Okay lang naman kung bakla si kuya. Walang kaso dun, promise! Ang ayoko lang e yung  pagtatawanan o gagaguhin siya ng ibang tao dahil bakla siya.

Napatahimik ako sa sinabi ni Jake. Bigla ko’ng naisip ang mga kapatid ko. Ganun din kaya sila sa akin?

Mahal ko si kuya at alam mo kung ano ang pinagdaanan niya nung mamatay si papa.  Kaya nga kung tatanungin ako kung sinong tao ang pinaka deserving lumigaya, para sa akin, si kuya yun. Ayoko siyang makitang malungkot o umiiyak. Ayoko siyang kinukutya o pinagsasamantalahan. Makakapatay ako, pare. Pero ang mas kinakatakot ko ay ayoko din makitang tumanda siyang malungkot at nag-iisa.

Alam mo, Jake. May nagsabi sa akin dati, na ang pag-iisa ay hindi kapalaran ninuman. Ang kapalaran natin ay produkto ng sarili nating mga desisyon at ginawa sa buhay. At sa tingin ko sa lahat ng mga ginagawa ng kuya mo ngayon, hindi siya kailanman tatanda mag-isa. Dahil kung sakali man na wala siyang makikitang mapapangasawa o makakasama sa buhay, nandiyan ka, mga kaibigan niya at ang pamilya niyo para samahan siya.

Biglang may tumulong luha sa pisngi ni Jake. Ang totoo nagulat talaga ako nang makita ko siyang tuloy-tuloy nang umiyak. Yun ang unang beses na nakita ko siyang nagkaganun. Kinuha ko agad ang panyo ko sa bulsa at inabot sa kanya, habang pinagdadasal na hindi niya mapansing hindi R ang initial na nakaburda doon. I know, minsan my pagka-old school din ako.

Seryoso, tol. Siguro kung naririnig ka ng kuya mo ngayon, for sure sobrang proud yun sa iyo. Maswerte siya dahil kapatid ka niya.

Ulul! Mas maswerte ka dahil kaibigan mo ako at ikaw lang ang nakakakitang umiiyak ako. Halika nga dito.

Biglang inabot ni Jake ang kanyang braso sa akin. Yes, may ilangan factor noong una, pero inakap ko na din. Doon ko napagtantong, tumatanda na nga talaga kami. Marahil dahil sa tagal naming magkaibigan, virgin pa kami sa yakap ng isa’t isa. Pero ang totoo, natuwa ako at naiiyak na din.

Pare, Salamat! Sana dito ka na lang nag-aral para may nakakausap ako ng ganito. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ko katagal tinago ito. Gago ka! Ikaw lang pala ang makapaglalabas nito.  

Tumuloy-tuloy na ang pag-iyak ko nang narinig ko yun. Marahil namiss ko lang talaga ng husto si Jake.

Dahil din dun, mas lalo kong naramdaman ang importansiya namin sa isa’t isa. Malungkot isipin na hindi na kami tulad ng dati, wala na yung mga batang paglalaro lang ang iniisip, kung ano ang uso at kung saan village dadayo.  Pero kung ako ang tatanungin, mas masaya ako sa ganito dahil napag-uusapan namin ang mga bagay na di naming kayang sabihin noon.

            Malapit na, tol. Malapit na, bulong ko kay Jake habang yakap ko siya, at huwag kang mag-alala, dahil di ko kayang lokohin si Mark dahil mahal na mahal ko siya.

Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ni Jake pero sa wakas, nasabi ko na din ang gusto kong sabihin. Subalit imbes bumitaw, naramdaman ko ang lalong paghigpit ng yakap niya sa akin sabay sabing,

Salamat ulit, pare.  

change

i feel guilty whenever i visit my blog and recall all the memories i used to write in it.

i feel guilty because its not as active as it was before.

i feel sad for my recent entries for they seemed forced.

just to have something to post.

i feel sad when i write something in it just because i feel down.

funny, how change makes you realize how you are so not ready for it, after crying so long for it to happen before.

well i guess, now, i have more reasons to write again--- to write for this change, and the change to change this change.

*now, feeling better.

how am i?

i guess this is the time of the year when everyone turns back to where they have started. and i will not deny the fact that its been a while since i have posted an entry here.

it has been two years since i have decided to come up with a lifelist. and surprisingly, i was able to accomplish most of it. and while drafting this, i was able to cross out another one.

a saving's account. thanks to my boss who is trying to be a father to me for more than a year now. he ordered our finance manager to open me up one and argued that i need to be mature enough to think of my future. you will not believe what he tells me everyday at work, on top of business.

for the past months, i am just busy with work. probably, because i already have a team to manage and did not realize how difficult it is.

basically, i go to work at 8 and usually leave by 9 or 11 in the evening; that is from monday to saturday. but despite these, i am not complaining. in fact, if i did not write this post i will not realize that i have been doing this for the longest time now. lets just say i am simply enjoying what i am doing now because of what i have experienced before with the jobs that i really did not like doing (which i also chose not to dwell anymore).

last weekend, i had the chance to go to singapore and watch a broadway play that i always wanted to see, aside from rent and the phantom of the opera. it was wicked. the play just left me wordless whenever someone ask how was it. it was just too nice to be spoiled. but the trip also made me realize, a number of things i never expected will happen at least to me.

traversing this rich city opened me to a lot of things and even the possibility of working abroad, which i never really entertained before. the city provides almost everything a young professional would dream of, which simply equates to a more promising career. but beyond this, i decided not to be very hasty with my decision. try not to go with what other young people like me did.

honestly, my boss was a bit hesitant in allowing me to go to singapore. i knew he feared that i may not come back like what happened to his staff before me.

i am not even sure if what he told me was just to convince not to go or stay in singapore. but what he pointed at has some truth on it. he believes that the reason many young filipino professionals fail in singapore and returns back is because of lack of experience. most of them just risk going there after graduating because of the promise of a good opportunity without really equiping them with the right sets of skills and expertise. so having that in mind, i guess its will be just an open option for me. something that i could always go back to if worst comes to worst and if i already have the right skill sets and experience.

but it also made me think that i should travel more often. see the world more. a new lifelist for this year came in mind. 3 abroad and 5 (new) local destinations. luckily, someone asked me to do some "surprising engagements" in boracay next month. and regardless, how absurd it was, who can refuse an all expense paid trip?

after this, i am planning for another backpacking adventure in mindanao. i have only been to mindanao once. it was cagayan de oro last august, Eid al-Fitr to be exact. but it was more of a work engagement so i was not able to enjoy the place at all. hopefully, my itinerary and the people who are suppose to go with me (you know who you guys are), will push through. in fact, i have already my itinerary booklet prepared since last year. i have this thing with preparing itinerary booklets for each trip. see?

however, please be guided that i have no plans of turning my blog to a travel blog. let's just say i am widening my places to wander for wonders.

'til next time and take it easy, guys.

exploring FREEdom

it will always be there. the rag of horses galloping inside my chest drawn by uncertainties. but the unfamiliar scent of the boarding area i took that day made me realize how different it was from the other lane i usually take.

the departure area was way more silent; almost barely empty; as if it was indeed a living machine brewing loneliness and griming farewells. i can just imagine how many people cried in this sea of waiting and lonely benches. while the lane at the other side was full of people excited to be reunited. honestly, being inside the departure area, didn't really help me with the fact that i will be going out of the country alone and for the first time.

the three hour flight was spent mostly of reading the same magazine (i've been reading in that airline for almost two months that time); writing mental notes and itineraries, practicing some commonly used local phrases and convincing myself that everything will be alright as long as my sense of direction will not fail me, that i know how to read and i have enough money in my pocket.

so as soon as the captain welcomed us to Suvarnabhumi Airport , i knew its wanderer mode on. so the first thing i did was to exchange my money to the local currency; buy a local sim card since our receptionist forgot to activate the roaming service of my line; and find a local map.

but never did i imagine that i will be welcomed by an immediate challenge.

looking my way out, the sign boards and maps made me felt like i was a five year old kid again just staring and figuring out what those doodles meant. so i thought of asking for directions instead.

from the airport, my plan was to get to khao-san road, where most of my friends recommended me to go because of cheap accommodation. just to realize later that its recommendable if you are coming from bangkok airport and not from Suvarnabhumi, which is like 2 hours away from khao-san during non-rush hours.

nonetheless, i politely approached and asked a man who was waiting for the shuttle service.

"sewasdi!" the first word i learned. the man warmly smiled, bowed his head while both palms are together. unlike here in the philippines, people in thais are more welcoming to people who looks like them.

pretty cool and nice, i thought.

but the moment i asked, "would you know how can i get to khao-san road from here?" his warm face turned into something that resembles into fear. he immediately waived his hand as a sign of rejection and immediately just move away from me.

what did i say wrong? is khao-san road a very dangerous place? and prohibited in this country to be talked about? did my friends just throw another prank at me?

that incident made me a bit paranoid. it felt as if i missed out something in the picture. it took me another thirty minutes just sitting on one of the airport's benches to come up with another strategy. luckily, i was able to spot a tourist assistance center. for travellers visiting thailand, these centers are friends!

the receptionist told me that there is no direct route going to khao-san from that airport and just take a cab from there.

but i told her, no cabs (still brave enough to keep up in challenging myself) and will just take local transportation.

she smiled and told me to take the shuttle service going to the bus terminal and from there take another ride going to this place and then i just totally did not understand what she said next. so i just did what i understood. i bravely took the shuttle service passing the airport and just told myself to drop off where the bulk of people are dropping off. luckily, the strategy worked. i reached the bus terminal and immediately looked for the bus going to khao san road. unfortunately, the ticketing officer told me that there was no bus trip going to khao san that day and asked me to ride another bus which was later on objected by one of the dispatcher. and the story got more complicated and complicated. regardless, he told me to take a van ride going to victory monument. so again, i did what i was told and understood--- the last.

there are a lot of backpackers during that time, august. since most of the schools abroad are on summer vacation and classes resume by september. i met a lot of backpackers along my trip.

probably the rule of backpacking is always accommodate questions when you know the answer because almost everyone pays it forward and they know the dilemma one traveller faces in each trips.

on my way to victory monument, i met two korean girls who just came from another backpacking trip in indonesia and headed to the same route i am going. though difficult in communicating in english, there were sweet enough to give me tips on how to go by bangkok.

we bid goodbyes when we reached victory monument. the place at 7 in the evening is like cubao. buses were everywhere. crowd are coming from different directions. and even the people's faces were almost the same faces you don't seem to notice whenever you commute.

it was already 8:30 in the evening and i still cannot locate the bus number, the korean girls told me to take going to khao-san. actually, the moment i started reading and locating the bus numbers on each of the waiting sheds i passed, i kinda forgot the bus number they told me to take.

but im pretty sure it was 18. so when i finally found it, i immediately jumped on a bus number 18 and find myself the nearest empty seat. the bus conductor was holding like a piece of bamboo where in all the coins and tickets were place. i told her, "khao san." as i expected, she asked me again. i repeated. then suddenly a man sitting in front of me, waived the same hand gesture as the man from the airport gave at me. i am now really developing this fear of talking about khao-san. the man talked to driver in thai then informed me that i took the wrong bus. he instructed the driver to drop me off to the nearest waiting shed and advise to take bus number 32. i felt a bit relieved.

the moment i stood up, i bowed at him, made the amen gesture and said, "kub kun kup." just to realize eventually that "kub kun kup" is thank you when refering to girls. it should have been "kub kun krap" since i am thanking a man.

it was total a disaster believe but all i can do that was to laugh at at myself the entire time. it was already 9:30 in the evening. so that will be 10:30 in manila since the latter is an hour ahead. it was really a long day and all i can think of is just to get a hotel and sleep the entire night. i figured, i just have to give up and hail a cab. so i tried. surprisingly, i noticed that it seemed like all the cab that pass by happened to have someone seated in the passenger seat. then i remembered, vehicles here are right-wheel drives! argh!

so already desperate, i hailed a tuktuk instead though i know they are far more expensive than taxis. eventually, we agreed with the amount and headed to khao san road.

to be continued.

patience also waits

three years ago, there was a boy who just kept on ranting about almost everything after college. he ranted about how he missed his friends in baguio, how he needed to spend so much just to have a good conversation over stranger after strangers, how he struggled in watching movies alone and keep all his thoughts to himself after the curtains close; and how frustrated and lonely he was walking along empty streets just to go to work, which he didn't even like, every sunday.

like any fresh graduate, he was full of idealisms and ambitions. he wanted to achieve and experience so many things and believed that he can do far more than what he was doing during that time. he was very anxious; as if he was always in battle with time. though he never really wanted to be rich nor famous, he was just simply scared that he might end up not doing the things, even him was not sure what they were. but after countless searches and attempts, he started trimming his options; bothering himself every night asking, what he did wrong and what he didn't do?

countless days and futile nights passed. but the same shadow didn’t let him go. until hopelessness devoured him completely. he just started not caring; and crying. he laid down on his bed and just let time pass and win him over. it was as if its the only thing he know he could do. the feeling was always paralyzing.

until an opportunity came.

there were a number of considerations at first but he still grabbed it. the environment was completely different. even in his wildest dreams, he didn't imagine himself working as one. of course there were times when he got tired and almost gave up. but during those time, he will always go out, waive a cab, pass it along a familiar building and ask himself,

"do you still want to return back to this?," while looking at different (un)familiar faces smoking, talking and enjoying every last seconds of it outside. he will pause and then his answer will make the cab turn back.

never did he realized that most of the things he was worrying about before just started landing one at a time in front of him.

i guess thats what they call patience, a friend told him.

tonight, as he waits for everyone to bid there farewells to him, he thought of opening and rekindling those posts again. he read them from one page to the next and could believe, he actually wrote them.

some he have already forgotten.

while some he remembered though the memory of every thought made this man a stranger even to his own words.

so whats keeping him busy these past months?

mostly work,

about a new company project,

a new team he is handling

and most of all, MORE wandering...

para sa bewtdey boy

para sa taong mas mabilis pa sa mga motor ng edsa kung magcut at change ng topic.

para sa taong nagtratransform pagpatak ng 10PM kahit hindi full moon.

para sa taong mahilig magsulot ng pekpek short na ang slit on both sides ay 2/3 na buong haba ng tela.

para sa taong may nakakarimarim na poot sa kapitbahay na mahilig magvideoke buong araw.

para sa taong nag-maMATURE INVESTMENTS na sa pagbili ng kama, washing machine at iba pang appliances.

para sa taong naging kaibigan ko noong 21 pa lang ako habang siya ay 25 naman at ngayon, 25 na ako habang siya ay bumalik sa pagiging 18.

para sa kaibigang laging may baong mahigpit na yakap at "namiss na kita" kahit noong isang araw lang kami nagkita.

para sa kaibigang hindi natakot sabihan akong papansin sa text noon. HAHAHAHA! ouch!

para sa kaibigang laging nanlilibre ng YAKIMIX...hehehe!

para sa kaibigang lubos na maasahan sa paglilinis ng bahay kapag lumilipat (hindi tulad ng ibang nangangako dyan---hahaha!)

para sa kaibigang laging bukas ang isip at... ay! sige ISIP na lang muna pala...hahaha

para sa kaibigang napakatamis at STABLE ng ngiti ngayon,

at para sa (toot!) years old na pinakamamahal ko...

HAMPEY BEWTDEY DABO!!!

love with passionate sex,

kabitchesa

the men of the old house

it felt it was just last month, when a young boy fresh from college took all his courage and decided to find life in the city.

without any family, relatives nor friends with him, he saw himself renting a small room in katipunan together with an old landlord.

for almost four years the two men stayed under the same roof. but they managed not to divulge into a conversation. there relationship was constrained with brief nods or small talks whenever the boy pays his rent. there were even times when the boy catches the old man just waiting for him sitting on an old dusty couch as if cornering him to finally know who his tenant was.

but the boy, though as polite as he can, would always excuse himself with alibis of something important to do. then he will just catch the old man's dismay through his eyes. He will then feel loneliness radiating on his face.

It seemed like the boy just cannot stand the gloominess and coldness of the room. it was as if he was watching a very depressing film. hence he would always just stays inside his own space.

one time, the boy woke up realizing the landlord was not in the house. there was no coughing down stairs. no radio turned on. it was just plain silence. so he finally went out of his lair and decided to explore the entire house. then he realized, it actually took him a year before he have done this.

ang maarteng kurtina

in general, it was old enormous house, where dust already covered its elegance and time already stole it from being a home.

there was an old piano dead waiting on the corner. above it were frames of blurred old photos; of people who the boy have never seen before. but somewhere among the frames, he managed to identify his landlord. a young radiant man who was laughing while hugging a woman carrying a baby. the boy figured it must be his family. and no, he no longer attempted asking where they are now? he just left his curiosity inside boxes of piled stained letters, post cards and peeking photos. the mere thought made him really down and was even magnified when a cold smooth breeze brushed his arms.

it had been over a month since the boy learned his landlord was back. surprisingly, he was no longer waiting for him downstairs, sitting on that old dusty couch and listening to a struggling radio box. however, he noticed a woman, probably in her 40s, cleaning and bringing food to his landlord's room. she was also silent. eyes blank and lip tucked.

when the end of the month came, someone knocked on the boy's room. it was the woman. she said the landlord wanted to see him.

so the boy hurried, dressed up, took his rent from his pocket and went downstairs. when he opened the door, he was shocked. the old man was look entirely different. his frail body seemed way weaker than before, his swollen eyes sunk deeper towards his face. cheekbones almost vanished and skin paler than the cream blanket covering him. the boy almost did not recognize the man. pity started engulfing him.

the boy also barely recognized the old man's voice. though the message was clear. it was almost over. he wanted the boy to find another place; afraid that he can no longer maintain his house. he just wanted to rest and go back to another waiting. At least thats how the boy understood it.

the words struck him. he (boy) was speechless. there was just that automatic response of handling over his rent and go out. guess, he just can't bare the feeling or perhaps the conscience asking him why he cannot give the old man very small amount of his time before, just to make him forget or at they very least alter his routine.

but before he even made his second step, the old man stopped him. he refused to take the payment and advised the boy to use it for his next space. then he smiled. the boy almost surrendered to his own tears. he thanked the old man and left.

when he arrived in his room, he just stood in front the closed door and looked at the space he called at that time called his home, along with the things that he have brought inside; all the memories that he have met for the past four years.

goodbye has never been his thing probably because he always has difficulties of starting over. but if theres one thing he have learned from the old man, its simply waiting in between is far more worst than starting or ending something.

now, after four months of checking ins and sleeping overs, the young boy had finally moved over to his new place. brewing a new line of stories. and hopefully, this time, he will have the time to spare for other people to share their own stories with him.

J.A.P.A.N. (Just Always Pray At Night) Japan!

when i heard the news, the first thing i thought was 2012, the alleged end of the world.

but it was actually my next thought that really drove me to post something in my status,

"wait lang 2012... bigyan mo muna ulit ako ng lovelife. its been a year, nalimutan ko na..."

then while waiting for a response, i saw a picture that made me realize how stupid, insenstive and selfish the status was. hence, i immediately deleted it and contemplated.

for at the end of each day, this is just one of the scenes, that goes beyond any selfishness and hope one will never see in his/her life.

source

all my prayers to the victims of the recent earthquake and tsunami in japan.

my valentine moves

facebook:

wanderingcommuter is in a relationship with himself (masabi lang na hindi single this valentines... HAHAHAHA)

reply ni facebook:

X You cannot create a relationship with yourself

reply ko:

ABER, WHY NOT???!!! mas marunong ka pa sa akin... puso mo 'to??!

hahaha

reply niyo (audience participation):

ilabas mo dila mo...

anong lasa ng hangin???

ANG PAIT NO?!

NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

my great valentine craving

since its in season din naman,

parang gusto ko din

magpa-kwan...

este PAKWAN!

source

HAHAHAHA!

my great valentine plan

my GREAT VALENTINE PLAN...

uminom ng maraming tubig!!!

source

dahil sa panahon ngayon,

sa ihi na lang ako KINIKILIG!

hahahaha... :D

life inside moving boxes

i woke up smelling a strong scent of farewell, that made me feel very unease with my own space. wondering if its just upset or feeling betrayed of whats going to happen with the following days.
so despite the gloomy and heavy weather, i stood up and look at the piles of boxes just waiting in front of me. never did i imagine that the last four years of my life could fit in just eight boxes. made me wonder how many will be added in a year span? what will be inside each? and how much more will it be a day before i die?

source

even memories were absent in each corners of my room that day despite all the turbulent turns that happened; all the faces, acts and events. in a way, the absence made me feel, indeed, very hollow. it was if nothing really changed. that the same boy, who went down to the city four years ago from the comfort of a place he already called home; will still try his luck and be gathering all his courage again to gamble with another set of cards.

i guess, this is another version of what they call (literally) moving on.

but its just surprising how everything and everyone can be put inside boxes. how life can be placed in corners. and how my life, at least in this picture, is included inside it. the mere thought even made the day gloomier. or probably its just me again, always having hard time saying goodbye despite all the clutter.

a time traveler's letter

dear jeff,

honestly, i really dont know how to start this for i am not fond of writing letters like you do. for i know its rare for someone to send you a letter too. not to mention the fact, that this maybe the weirdest letter you will ever received to date.

i know that by this time, you are wondering who i am? how did this letter get to you or how did i know these things?

but as crazy as it may sound, i want you to know that i am YOU--- 11 years from the time you are reading this. in short, im writing you (myself) from the future. but before you go ballistic and hysterical or think that this maybe one of those crazy prick your classmates usually throw at you, i want you to hear me out first.

i know that you are going through a very difficult time right now. i know its difficult because you always keep it by yourself. you always tend to handle it by your own. but i want you to realize that its normal. thats what teacher sandy in your grade 5, T.H.E. class is telling you about--- puberty. you should have listen more to her rather than thinking of what cartoon character you're gonna draw that day.

puberty is tough. its like a snake shedding its skin for the first time. confused and anxious. always thinking of what s/he will become just to realize that at the end of the day s/he is just the same. s/he just grew bigger and wiser in order to survive another day.

i know you have good friends who are always there for you. so never hesitate to open up to them. if in case, anything change and they started moving away, just brush it off. for i am telling you, you will meet more acceptable friends along the way, the ones that will always be there for you through thick and thin.

do not also try to think about things too much. its not that i am telling you to completely shut your system down and move purely by your instincts. you just have to loosen up a little. everyone is entitled to commit mistakes because its on those mistakes that you become a better person. you might have probably be wondering now, what you will be reading after these, but its beyond the point.

you will do a number of stupid things on the days ahead. but by knowing this, never try to stop yourself. i want you to enjoy its superficial and temporary happiness then linger on what it seems to be its endless pain afterwards. i want you to experience all of these for i want you to know that i never regretted a single stupid thing that you have done and will do. because it is on those acts that i became stronger and wiser.

do not let yourself be defined by just one big incident. i want you to remember that despite life being one big incident, its still composed of small (good and bad) incidences and it will always up to you on what small incidences you want to fill it in.

hhmmm.. by this time i know you are already convinced and knowing you, you have probably just skimmed all the things that i've said above and just immediately jump into something about love, right?! hahaha!

im not gonna say that im committed as of the moment because that will be lying. and what is the sense of writing you from the future if i going to lie. but you don't have to worry, you will be fine. you will have a relatively deeper sense of love out from the relationships you will have, which some may neither understand nor appreciate. but this will equip you for your journey to finding that true love. fine! i admit you'll also gonna be a mushy lad in denial. probably because of some friends you'll gonna meet that i think it will be best not mentioning.

source

you see. its a big crazy world out here, my self. you have no idea. so do not rush, take your time. life may be full of uncertainty but remember that its on those uncertainties that will keep you going-- that will make you strive more. so whenever there will be days that you feel empty and lonely, just sketch what you feel and always remind yourself with these things i told you.

and NO! i am not gonna say how many partners you'll have. you have to find it out by yourself. hahahaha!

sex is not the only thing that you should look forward to when you reach your legal age. besides, you will lose your virginity even before you hit 18. alright, i think im saying too much now.

im sorry for being straight forward but i bet you will also be surprised on how i manage to get here--- being me now. and don't worry about your morals. there are still intact. im taking good care of it, at least from the last time i checked. but just in case, if this letter somehow moved you, please, remind yourself that your "future you," was also a bit late in accepting the fact, that he also has to loosen up and realize that setting his pride aside can also do him good sometimes. and that he should also realize that he should stop fighting himself; that somewhere in one's life, regardless how wise one claims to be, his/her libido will always be smarter in overcoming his/her rational. its just a matter of how you own such responsibility.

nonetheless, please remember that regardless how depressing life maybe, sometimes, never chase for happiness. try lessening your expectations. so you will never get frustrated. try embracing contentment but always challenge yourself with everything that you do. life is so short for regrets and depression. just enjoy riding the tide but at the same time, be wise in deciding where to start and stop. never limit yourself and always keep an open mind. try to talk more especially to those whose voice are unheard because its in their life stories where the real gems are.

source

4 years from today, you will be opening up a blog. yes, a blog. an online journal, where you will try to collate all your thoughts in english. do i have to repeat that again? hahaha!

so do not be scared on venturing to another skill other than sketching. you will learn a lot of things there and know a number of friends that will mold the person who is telling you all of these right now.

your future self,

ewik

*right! somewhere after graduating highschool you will then decide to live with your second name as a sign of a fresh start. again, best of luck!