intellectualizing sex

L came to a point wherein he just want to fuck around. no expectations. no complications. easy.

source

L meets them up. go somewhere private. no more talking. just undress.

no need for staring; for appreciating. L has no time. he just need to satisfy his urge, which he thinks might be his own curse.  

skip the gestures. no kissing. no hugging.

L goes down. flips. moans. screams. clings. everything he needs to know how.

L turn his back. he cannot know. he cannot remember. L hates why he have to think about this. why does he need to rationalize this?

L feels the grip growing stronger. L moves faster. L loosen up the grip. it hurts. L breath shorter. L chases the rush. he feels the rush. until finally L surrenders and catches a half sigh.

then L stands up and put on his clothes. he opens the door and dashes his way out without turning back. after several steps, he leaned flat on the wall and firmly pressed his hand on his chest.

feeling.

listening.

he was just in time - before the next beat.

how i manage my own quarter life crisis

* a forward entry inspired by roundtable challenge's resurrection. 

several months before graduating, i remember sitting beside a good friend on an abandoned pavement. arms wrapped around my worn out sweats, chest touching my knees while we were sharing warmth from a single cigarette stick.

we still cannot believe that several months from that time, we have to leave the ups and downs of college and start another chapter of our lives. although its not goodbye, we knew that everything will change and somehow our tears were the indicators that we refused to be ready for it.

the first few years were nothing near what we have expected. there were always those murmurs at the back of our heads which keep on reminding us of our frustrations. we always thought coming from a reputable university with good grades, being student leaders and having outstanding extra-curricular achievements would give us better advantage in landing the goals we aimed for. but it didn't. for the companies we applied and worked with, we were nothing but redundant and dispensable gears just to secure the operation is working. but what i hated the most was how we were treated based on our lack of relevant work experience. but i just couldn't blame them.

every time we meet, we were always almost penniless, working and jumping to one job to another which to begin with, we did not even like and we even agreed not to talk about our lovelives. but what were worst was the fact that these were not even the highlights of our quarter life crises.

looking back at it now, so many things have changed. the murmurs gradually became silent. we eventually landed on the path we wanted. she went back to the university to teach while i took the corporate life.

we don't see each other as often as before. we hardly keep in touch and deciding a meeting date or place usually take weeks to do. although we both have these challenges, we still both know that we have each others' backs.

so how did i make it? through several realizations:

first, always have dream. a practical and manageable dream. but make sure you are ready to fail and that you are willing to invest a lot of time and patience in it. dreams are never achieved over night, not even months or years. surprisingly, i have realized mine were usually found in places where i didnt expect them to be - most of the time among hard, difficult and similarly stagnant places.

second, always think that there is no such thing as a "deadlock" job. although something has to pay the rent, people should stay and work for the knowledge and experience and not simply for the money and benefits. despite how stagnant or slow moving a job may be, as long as you are learning and gaining experience- stay; stay like a growing tree. whenever you are thinking of leaving, always ask yourself if you are willing to go back at step 1 in exchange of an additional grand.

third, build a career. build a career not defined by movies and TV series which are usually based on high salary, benefits, nice clothes, cars or fame. build yours based on  your own sense of fulfillment and success.

fourth, never go where the money is going; rather follow where your career goes. at the end, you will realize that money and fulfillment go to whoever follow their career.

fifth, learn to appreciate. although there are people who were born with a lot of goodluck genes, most people were just born. for most people, they achieved there dreams without even realizing it because an actualized dream may happen to be different from how we imagine it. hence, many tend to overlook it and less appreciative of what they have.

in writing this, it doesn't mean that i have already reached my goals. in fact, i am still working on an 8 to infinity shift, with OTTY (Over Time, Thank You) while stealing some time writing this entry. i have no car and i am still renting an apartment with a couple of friends who i need to share the expenses. but i am contended.

i like the feeling that despite the stress and work problems, i can still smile and feel a certain level of fulfillment whenever i go out of work. then i am greeted by a warm embrace when i arrive home.

i like the feeling that time flies because somehow i like what i am doing. and most specially, i know that the knowledge and experience i am gaining will eventually carry me to my next dream. so for those, experiencing this, just stay put and be a tree; patient but growing. its just a phase.

ten interesting things that makes me smile

how you would try stopping yourself from stopping me in experimenting or putting too much in everything i cook

how you would always discreetly watch, wait and catch me as i slowly sneak in my bed after a heavy meal then nag me the entire day

how you will wait for me the whole day and surprise me with a festive dinner (but also makes me sad because you are such a great cook!)

how you would always move away and just wait outside a grocery store just because you are too embarrass to buy "that"

how you would look at me while i am sleeping; completely having no idea that i am actually staring back at you

how you would be masungit when i am sweet and sweet when i am masungit: and realizing that being on the same state makes us a disaster to each other

how you could be as paranoid as i am about possibly overdoing so many things about us

how you would stop me from locking the door whenever i use the bathroom

how you will giggle whenever you recall the etymology of “kums” and “wabs”

and lastly, how you will probably smile after reading this 

*** 

thank you for staying and showing the strength in what others had given up to

a realist take on hope

They say hope is important to keep one going. It keeps him centered and focused with a certain aspiration of eventually achieve something; despite the sheer absence of its possibilities and/or presence of obstacles and challenges.

Hope fuels persuasion and hard work but at the same time it can also prolong agonies and sorrows. Hence, it makes one wonder, where do you draw that line between still hoping and finally surrendering and move on?    

Most of the time, what makes moving on difficult is no longer the feelings you have or had with the person rather it is more into one’s confrontation with change. Our attachments with patterns and routines have chained us within the comfort zone that we have built together with that person.  

Bottomline: we are just scared of what is ahead--- alone; that for the first time again, we are subject to this fear of starting over and going back to square one. And regreting everything we had invested, gained and practically, enjoyed. At the end, it makes us restless realizing that the feeling is a concoction of both that nagging fear and concentrated frustration that chain us from something we kept refusing to admit as over.   

Sometimes, concern to that person is no longer brought about by what many ‘believed’ to be affection, but more of an unconscious effort of one’s sense of self-preservation to justify hope and simply avoid change.     

But before people start identifying me more of a pessimist rather than a realist, I guess, my point being is  one needs to realize that its no longer hope if it hurts, that it is no longer hope if the mutual journey "now," is vaguer than its initial destination. People should know when to know if the hope for that relationship is already exhausted and when the building of another hope timely begins.  

introspect

sometimes

the mind whispers more than what

the body can comprehend

two bodies linger on what seem to be

an inconcrete sensation

looking

digging

deeper towards the recesses of memories

the bodies are perfect as usual

exactly, how we imagine

funny how fantasies titillate us

makes us craves

for a hundred fulfilling promises

set us to false journeys

then leave us with a cringing pain

funny

how at the end,

one will realize

it is only ourself who can provide us that reuniting pleasure

--- and only i,

can make myself moan

one stormy night

this was supposed to be last week and i know its been a while since i last posted an entry. and the topics to be written are adding to the piles of papers and post-its on my desk. but i promise, once i pull this project out, i'll get back to serious (?) writing again.

and in relation with, yj's post, i just wanted to post this video for a friend, kilala mo na kung sino ka!

haaay kahihiyan ito! hahaha! but goodluck sa akin este sa amin!

but wait! there's more! hahaha!

ikaw na lang ang kulang sa cast na ito... basta ako si mikee... bahala na kayo kung sino si donna at regine. hahaha!

mahal ka namin at ikaw ay special (special child! hahaha!) tandaan mo yan!

*TANG ENA this SHIT! ang mushy!*

then smile! hehehe

minsan, nakakapagod lang talaga mag reach out at ipa-feel sa iyo ang gusto mo mafeel. o siguro tumatanda na lang talaga tayong lahat! nagmamature investments tulad nila dabo, nagmamature priorities sa work at lablayf tulad ni mugen at xtian! at higit sa lahat nag mamature immaturities (hindi na lang ako magcocomment dito)! hahaha!

kitams! handa kaming magfalsetto at magsocial suicide para sa iyo! hahahaha!

kung ang july ay "topak month" para sa atin, we'll make sure ang august will be "our month." so huwag ka nang magpasuyo, halika na! mag spontaneous night ulit tayo!

bisitahin ulit natin ang midnight safari sa quezon city, mag foodtrip sa pinakamaruruming lugar sa manila, o di kaya magpa-blueballs sa tagaytay! hehehe!

we love you! mwah!

*teka, international friendship month ba ngayon?! hehehe

an open letter: dating a friend's former date

warning: the following depicts strong languages and ideas that are not suitable for idealists and hopeless romantics. read at your own risks.

catching yourself in between two good friends and another man is not always my frame of a scene.

honestly, i am really having hard time writing this post on top of my difficulties in catching up with my blog responsibilities over the past weeks. but i have decided that today, i am up for the challenge.

undeniably, in what seems to be a dogs-eat-dogs lifestyle where everyone tends or will try to know everyone, it’s not surprising for two friends to meet in the embrace of a common romantic (or even sexual) interest.

but what happens next is a trickier picture to be in.

source

though there don't seem to have a clear rule or guideline on such, i believe that like any common-sensical knowledge, it doesn't need any direct affirmation. its should be clear that no one is worth losing a good friendship.

but if the urge, want, need or whatever you may want to call it is unavoidable, there should be some things you may want to consider.

first, make sure its really and finally over. as cliche as it may sound, trust is the building foundation of friendship. and as we all know it, its something that is not easily given or acquired. sometimes it takes time and even solid proof for it to be shared. hence, if the feelings of a friend is not yet resolved then we should at least know and show to whose our loyalty is serve.

second, ask courtesy not permission. be mindful of your friend's gestures. for most of the time, "its okay!" doesn't necessarily mean its the truth. there will always be that awkward feeling on the friend's part looking at you and a former date at the back of his head (unless, he is truly and completely over). hence, being polite is the least possible resort he can dwell into.

third, know both the real score. it will always be helpful to know the reasons. it is within these reasons that set someone free either from his fantasy-like infatuation or from his "friendship-eating" guilt.

if the guy claims to your friend that he thinks he is not yet ready in this kind of relationship, then either he is just looking for a polite way of dumping him after a couple of good booty call or he really means it. either way, you may want to opt back in contemplating with item number one.

fourth, open yourself into ALL possible consequences. don't let this chance of someone liking you, overrule your capacity of being rational. most of the time and i guess its also safe to say that base from everyone's experience, such strong opportunities (reluctant in calling it as feelings) have the tendency to block our thoughts and make us just jump on that "exciting turbulent of fantasy rush." making us a bit looking desperate and selfish.

think of what will happen to the relationship you have with your friend, analyze the reputations it may entail on you and even how will it affect your other friends.

fifth, never think that you will be missing an opportunity (again). you are smart, good-looking and most importantly good-hearted fellow, whose characteristics are a bit rare to be seen in just one package. we would rather see you miss this "chance," but maintain the friendship and eventually meeting your match than taking this "chance-without-assurance" and start everything all over again.

and lastly, never think this is all about you being on the misunderstood-but-just-being-the-hopeless-romantic-me-side and your friend being why-is-always-about-him-being-on-the-good-side-while-i-am-on-the-other-side-side (whew! so many sides) because we all know that, at the end of the day, regardless of what happens, as a good friend, my only concern will always be on both of your welfares and of course, to our good friendship.

cheers!

8 signs na crush mo na ang isang tao

8. kapag wala ka sa mood lumabas kapag hindi siya kasama. pero kapag andun ka na't kasama siya, hindi ka naman nagsasalita. basically, kahit hindi mo naman siya tinitignan, kuntento ka nang nandun lang siya.

7. gumagawa ka ng eksena o okasyon para magkita kayo. kunyari, kahit wala ka'ng pera at katuldok na lang ang itim ng mata mo dahil sa gutom, magyayaya ka pa rin inuman at sagot mo pa, para lang pumunta siya.

6. kapag nag iisip ka ng gagawin o pupuntahan kasama siya prior ng pagkikita niyo. kapag nagkita na kayo, palalabasin mo'ng naisip mo lang ang ideya by the spur of the moment at hindi mo naman talaga pinagplanuhan.

5.kapag daig mo pa ang bagyo sa pag-eemote at ang sunset sa pagiging artistic. kapag hindi ka nabati tuwing nagkakasalubong kayo, feeling mo ang pangit pangit mo na, tapos sisihin mo pa siya dahil hindi niya kino-compensate yung attention na binibigay mo sa kanya. may pagkakataon din na sobrang nagiging artistic ka at sinisipag gumawa ng mga tula, kwento o kahit anu ano pa. kahit alam mo'ng wala ka naman talagang talent. kebs ba nila? art is a form of self expression.

4. everytime na gusto mo'ng itext siya, mandadamay ka ng iba at gagawin mo'ng group message para lang may lusot ka kapag nagkabukingan, kaya siguro nauso ang GM. pero kapag nagsireplyan naman, siya lang ang nirereplyan mo. may tama ka!

3. kapag nangungumusta ka na ng mga tao sa mga common friend/s niyo, tapos siya yung laging hinuhuli o ikalawa sa huli mo'ng kinakamusta, para di halatang atat ka'ng may malaman sa kanya. pero obvious naman kasi siya yung may pinakamahabang conversation.

2.kapag ginogoogle mo ang pangalan niyat tuwing wala ka'ng makita sinusubukan mo naman ang nickname niya, kung wala pa rin, ang palagay mo'ng nickname niya, school na pinanggalingan, work na pinagtra(tra)bahuhan. minsan kapag nakita mo'ng maraming results, pindot agad ng image. sabay print o di kaya save sa computer.

1. kapag dinedeny mo sa sarili mo'ng crush mo siya, kahit na 6 or more sa mga nabanggit ay guilty ka.

my great valentine plan

my GREAT VALENTINE PLAN...

uminom ng maraming tubig!!!

source

dahil sa panahon ngayon,

sa ihi na lang ako KINIKILIG!

hahahaha... :D

peter pan's shadow

youth is like a drug, that can sometimes be addicting and rebellious.

but it is not anchored upon any numbers or experiences. it is popularly determined by one's notion of idealism; trying to break traditions but at the same time, driven by carelessness.

several nights back, i heard my window rustled as cool breeze trespassed my room. the presence was overwhelming. it felt as if it was full of ideas and very determined to playfully outwit fate. it presented itself normless and drove my hormones into the corners they seldom venture.

source

but as we blossomed passion in thin air, i secretly found out something it kept for the world not to discover--- a shadow full of fear that was driven by uncertainty.

suddenly the image took the form of a kid. a child, who is also scared of tripping and getting hurt. definitely pretentious that it kept me wondering, how many times it cried? how many times it felt so helpless? and the number of times it promised itself never to feel that same feeling again?

then at the break of a rare chirpless dawn, while i was trying to gather my consciousness, the image vanished with a promise of coming back. but i asked myself, how can someone promise returning if s/he is even scared of a hard fall? how can someone soar high if s/he is too afraid at looking below?

suddenly, from the corner of my room, i heard a soft and mellow cry. and as the image arose, i realized that pages of a book was actually unfolding in front of me. it seemed like, in deed, another shadow decided to leave from its peter pan.

it slowly approached me, wondering if it could trust a conversation. so i took the queue. and from there, i completely understood.

source

if there is one thing i've realized from all the experiences i had, that is risk may take all forms. but its in its uncertainty that leads life to its actual destination. it may never be a wonderland at the end but it would definitely be something worth living for. no one really said that being young assures us of not getting hurt. in fact, it is actually on that condition that leave us most vulnerable. hence, never be scared of falling because it is on that dive where the real life starts.

its never bad to be a peter pan. to soar life with all its heights. but one should later realized peter pan is only a product of our own delusions, that our youth will never betray us. because at the end, we are all like wendy, michael and john, who will be just old characters, watching as another sets of youth take their chance of realizing how is it to be young.

two things i relaized today...

peripheral-views

last night i dreamed of you--- again

then i suddenly realized that

you will always be the memory

that i will perpetually fall in love with...

until the day the apparition of the prophecy

stands in front of me.

***

then when breakfast came,

the playful life served me
what it called,

the true love breakfast

you know why?

kasi kahit sabihin ng itlog na

maliit ang longganisa,

sasabihin pa rin ng longganisa

na you complete me,

'di ba?

hahahahaha!

a time traveler's letter

dear jeff,

honestly, i really dont know how to start this for i am not fond of writing letters like you do. for i know its rare for someone to send you a letter too. not to mention the fact, that this maybe the weirdest letter you will ever received to date.

i know that by this time, you are wondering who i am? how did this letter get to you or how did i know these things?

but as crazy as it may sound, i want you to know that i am YOU--- 11 years from the time you are reading this. in short, im writing you (myself) from the future. but before you go ballistic and hysterical or think that this maybe one of those crazy prick your classmates usually throw at you, i want you to hear me out first.

i know that you are going through a very difficult time right now. i know its difficult because you always keep it by yourself. you always tend to handle it by your own. but i want you to realize that its normal. thats what teacher sandy in your grade 5, T.H.E. class is telling you about--- puberty. you should have listen more to her rather than thinking of what cartoon character you're gonna draw that day.

puberty is tough. its like a snake shedding its skin for the first time. confused and anxious. always thinking of what s/he will become just to realize that at the end of the day s/he is just the same. s/he just grew bigger and wiser in order to survive another day.

i know you have good friends who are always there for you. so never hesitate to open up to them. if in case, anything change and they started moving away, just brush it off. for i am telling you, you will meet more acceptable friends along the way, the ones that will always be there for you through thick and thin.

do not also try to think about things too much. its not that i am telling you to completely shut your system down and move purely by your instincts. you just have to loosen up a little. everyone is entitled to commit mistakes because its on those mistakes that you become a better person. you might have probably be wondering now, what you will be reading after these, but its beyond the point.

you will do a number of stupid things on the days ahead. but by knowing this, never try to stop yourself. i want you to enjoy its superficial and temporary happiness then linger on what it seems to be its endless pain afterwards. i want you to experience all of these for i want you to know that i never regretted a single stupid thing that you have done and will do. because it is on those acts that i became stronger and wiser.

do not let yourself be defined by just one big incident. i want you to remember that despite life being one big incident, its still composed of small (good and bad) incidences and it will always up to you on what small incidences you want to fill it in.

hhmmm.. by this time i know you are already convinced and knowing you, you have probably just skimmed all the things that i've said above and just immediately jump into something about love, right?! hahaha!

im not gonna say that im committed as of the moment because that will be lying. and what is the sense of writing you from the future if i going to lie. but you don't have to worry, you will be fine. you will have a relatively deeper sense of love out from the relationships you will have, which some may neither understand nor appreciate. but this will equip you for your journey to finding that true love. fine! i admit you'll also gonna be a mushy lad in denial. probably because of some friends you'll gonna meet that i think it will be best not mentioning.

source

you see. its a big crazy world out here, my self. you have no idea. so do not rush, take your time. life may be full of uncertainty but remember that its on those uncertainties that will keep you going-- that will make you strive more. so whenever there will be days that you feel empty and lonely, just sketch what you feel and always remind yourself with these things i told you.

and NO! i am not gonna say how many partners you'll have. you have to find it out by yourself. hahahaha!

sex is not the only thing that you should look forward to when you reach your legal age. besides, you will lose your virginity even before you hit 18. alright, i think im saying too much now.

im sorry for being straight forward but i bet you will also be surprised on how i manage to get here--- being me now. and don't worry about your morals. there are still intact. im taking good care of it, at least from the last time i checked. but just in case, if this letter somehow moved you, please, remind yourself that your "future you," was also a bit late in accepting the fact, that he also has to loosen up and realize that setting his pride aside can also do him good sometimes. and that he should also realize that he should stop fighting himself; that somewhere in one's life, regardless how wise one claims to be, his/her libido will always be smarter in overcoming his/her rational. its just a matter of how you own such responsibility.

nonetheless, please remember that regardless how depressing life maybe, sometimes, never chase for happiness. try lessening your expectations. so you will never get frustrated. try embracing contentment but always challenge yourself with everything that you do. life is so short for regrets and depression. just enjoy riding the tide but at the same time, be wise in deciding where to start and stop. never limit yourself and always keep an open mind. try to talk more especially to those whose voice are unheard because its in their life stories where the real gems are.

source

4 years from today, you will be opening up a blog. yes, a blog. an online journal, where you will try to collate all your thoughts in english. do i have to repeat that again? hahaha!

so do not be scared on venturing to another skill other than sketching. you will learn a lot of things there and know a number of friends that will mold the person who is telling you all of these right now.

your future self,

ewik

*right! somewhere after graduating highschool you will then decide to live with your second name as a sign of a fresh start. again, best of luck!

nostalgia

first is the dream. next, we encounter routines. then choice follows. finally, we meet our considerations.
but if our considerations overruled our choice, we end up dreaming again.
***
you wake up bathing with sweat.
even your eyes still half close, you instantly reached your phone; already knew where it was even if it roamed all over your bed the entire night.

you checked for some messages and missed calls. then reply to them with the least sense you could pull out from your head. the dream is still fresh. it messes itself with reality. but you wanted to remember it and don't want to forget just like the rest. hence, you held on it.

after realizing you are no longer dreaming, you get out of your bed and head to the toilet.
after you're regime, you go back to your cradle and turn the tv on.

you scan for any interesting show in a typical afternoon.
once settled, you open your laptop and check for any emails. you surf for a number of websites until your tummy pleads, that becomes your queue.
you then decide to put your slippers and hit the streets. you drag yourself in search for a place that you haven't eaten yet. but the choices are thin, especially if you are living in the same place for the last four years.

source

after taming your stomach, you then return back home. sadden with the realization that you have no place else to go.
while walking, you'll calculate how many hours left (like you usually do) before you go to work again. once you have determined it, you'll squeeze yourself out for something worthwhile doing. but the prize is as scarce as a diamond in a pile of broken glasses. so at the end, you find yourself forced to watch either a movie that you have already seen for the sixth time or daisy siete when worst comes to worst.
by the time you need to prepare for work, that is the moment that you'll start bargaining for another 15 minutes with yourself. chances are, if the diligent ego wins, you will have an extra 30 minutes to smoke before going to work. but if the stubborn-you wins, you'll lose another 200 php for the taxi fare.
then after a long day of work, you'll find yourself exhausted from walking and commuting towards home--- alone.
nothing in mind but to lay down on your bed and sleep until you never wake up again. until you dream the same dream again. the dream that you again, have forgoten.
you'll tell yourself that your routine seems to be endless.
***
contentment is probably man's missing other half. almost everybody keeps on searching for it through material wealth, bodily pleasure, emotional stability and even intellectual satisfaction. but sometimes, once it is achieved, we will then realized that it is not actually what we are looking for; that something is still missing. thus, we look again.
everybody is endlessly chasing it: without even knowing what it truly is, regardless of how uncertain the path maybe.
nonetheless, everyone will agree, that not all of us have the same form of contentment. it may vary. and for some of us, we even find our own contentment in the very routine that we are taking.

well, i just wish that i am one of them, that i could learn how to live and love my routine.

wish stick

tonight, as the harsh cool night breeze escapes to my window, i find myself staring at my monitor screen again. reading my thesis, which is a week pass its deadline, for the hundredth time. and all i could do, was just to patiently wait for the right words to come.

i decided to take a break for the warning of an upcoming headache is at sight. i took a box out from my resting bag, opened it up and saw a couple of cigarette sticks. my brain already developed dependence to the dizziness a puff brings. i wonder, until where it can bring me tonight.

behind my cabinet were piles of fresh clothes neatly stacked and just like me, they too, were also waiting.

i lit my first cigarette and took a deep sip. but for some reasons, flashbacks instantly flew like pages of the already staled book in front of me.

i remembered the very first stick i had almost a decade ago. it was the sweetest stick i ever had, no wonder i still could not drop the vice until now. or perhaps, it was more than that.

perhaps its the search of having the same experience again. the thrill and excitement of not getting caught and called a newbie; pressured by new peers in an entirely different place. trying to be cool, pretending i am not.

unfortunately, when i was already in the group, it was already too late. i was completely caught tangled with it. i just hate when i am not in control, especially of something that pertain to myself. i guess there is no longer any way now, but to claim it. nonetheless, i am still hopeful that someday i will surpass this--- that i will totally overcome this addiction.

when i felt the heat crawling near my lips, i forcefully smashed the dying flame on the ash tray as if holding the very stick responsible for me, losing my own control. but then i took the box again and saw my last. i laughed at myself, realizing it was actually a wish stick. i laughed because of the realization that i am almost a decade smoker but i am still doing the same routine: still believing that i am entitled with something before finishing a pack.

honestly, i already lost count of how many wish sticks i had and how many wishes i had said. but if there is something that i am certain about, it is the fact that i have been saying the same wish for myself (other than whats for my parents and close friends) over and over again.

a couple of years back, i used to ask my friends or someone i knew, how it feels like to be 25? what did they do during that time? or what they should have done during that age?

but for some reason they would always give me that strange look and awkward answer. basically, they would always say its irrelevant and insignificant to who they are now, that its just the same, nothing really special.

but i remained unsatisfied with their answers. probably because, i just couldn't stop myself from escaping the realization that i am already nearing that corner of my life; that i am always in competition with time; and that i would be stuck with my own uncertainties and unfulfillable decisions of staying in a profession that i really do not like nor imagined myself for the rest of my life.

at the age of 23, i was already torturing myself with these kinds of life dilemmas. instead of enjoying things as they come and go, like i would always tell myself, i tend to wonder with the things that are miles ahead of me, otherwise. i guess, thats what the film boy culture meant, its difficult to live this kind of life for you think like you are already 40 even though you are just 14. but how can you blame them or me, if fear, in its full bloom, is (still) lurking around our presence.

last july, i just turned 25, still unemployed but blessed with a supportive family and circles of friends, ever understanding and supportive. nonetheless, i knew that it was still not enough. thus, i was then determined to take the risk, to change and make this something special. so without even thinking, i signed a job offer that is way more than what i used to earn despite my pending debts, due bills and even my rent.

suddenly my phone rang again. i answered it and heard a familiar voice.

"prepare your things. we have already booked you a flight. you are going to bicol." then the line dropped.

in an instant, i opened my email, printed my ticket and copies of my tasks. closed my laptop, approached the neatly stacks of fresh clothes behind my closet and put them inside my sack. i went out and hailed an approaching cab. then on my way to the airport, i felt a very uncomfortable thing bulging inside my pocket. i took it out, found the same cigarette box and saw my waiting wish stick inside. for a second, i caught myself staring at it. flashbacks instantly flew again. but in my surprise, i slowly closed it, put it aside and told myself,

it had to wait. i still have to come up with a new wish.

random summer thoughts

the summer heat came in early this year. so we decided to hit the beach earlier too...

its been a while since i've been to this so called mecca next to malate. and surprised to see how many people were there that time. isn't that peak season suppose to start around mid-march? well, i guess we should thank global warming for that.


***
though most of the beach tourists were filipinos, i was just surprised to see how many foreigners were there. no surprise to koreans, obviously, since they're everywhere (no pun intended). there were even a number of bars along the shore that seem to be cafe bola in greenbelt. foreigners sit there from sun rise to moon set. well, i guess, someone from the DOT is really doing his job.

***
i just miss the beach. despite the scorching summer heat that really whips the skin, the sea was surprisingly soothing and chilly. its even interesting to see how the beach strips off the hesitation from everyone. some were flaunting how gorgeous their bodies look, while some just didn't care.

***
the place was generally serene, calm(ing) and inspiring... too inspiring that im already thinking of getting into shape again.

so who i am with? i'm with some close online friends...

and the most popular among them is this guy...

can you guess who this guy is?

the tits clue should already be a give away. hahaha!

giving up???
alright, one more clue...

so who's your guess???


.

..


...










TAMA!!! he's my inspiration in getting back to shape!

ANLABO NOH???!!!

hahahaha!!

walang connection!


kaya nga random di ba?! hahaha!

enjoy your early summer ovulation este heat pala, guys!

*photos courtesy of pedrong kawali.

randomness

i remember when i was small, i used to kill boredom and forget all my childish problems by drawing small stick figures on each side pages of my book or notebook. then slowly flipped and released each page and watch as my little stick figures move from one place to another. it amazes me how that 30seconder felt like time flew; like everything moves and falls the way i want them be. like for a moment, they're gone.

during that time, while kids, my age, dwell upon tv cartoons and fairy tales, i chose to create and escape through my drawings, which i guess, i have carried until now. obviously, it didn't solve anything. but in a way, it cleared my cluttered thoughts.

the past days have been tiring and exhausting. a number of things happened. i have been busy finishing some dues for my classes while straightening some other businesses on the side. some were successful, while some were just too frustrating to be solved. and it bothers me how frustrations can sometimes be so paralyzing. it leaves your body with nothing to do but makes your brain work 'til it dries.

last night, i rode a bus in makati going to fairview, and fell asleep out of exhaustion. when i woke up, the bus was still running along commonwealth avenue. but then i noticed that i was the only passenger inside. in a second, i felt very confused. even thought that probably i am still dreaming. but it was to vivid to be a dream. too lonely to be surreal.

then, i figured,



aaahhhhh...


probably, its the february breeze coming. hahaha!

the person i don't want to be

if there was one thing i remembered about her youth, it was her ambition. her parents told her, she was the smartest among all the nine children they have. thus, being a poor family of farmers, they always had high hopes for her.

she dreamed of taking up a degree in economics and pursue a career out of it. she wanted to be a career woman, save up and live a life out from a land that they can't even call their own. but its hard to live a life when you started from scratch. thus, she pursued the (only) road most people like her usually takes--- it was an entirely different alley.

she took a vocational course and worked as a secretary in an appliance store in caloocan to save up for her dreams. but along the way, she met her employer's nephew. a young, charming seafarer with a big sense of humor. to make it short, she fell in love with him and before she knew it, she was already conceiving their first child.

source

so she had to set her dreams aside for the meantime and focus on the arrival of another unexpected path, being a wife and a mother.

then they decided to move together and eventually saw the downfalls of each other. the seafarer still in denial that he was about to become a father, began playing around. while she on the otherhand, was left inside a small apartment, he rented for them, brewing a strong concoction of frustration and depression.

i really can't speak on her behalf about what she was undergoing during that time. but if there was one thing i am sure of, it was very severe. so chronic that it actually cost us our supposed oldest sibling's life. but on the otherhand, it made my dad realized he was already a commited family man.

as time passed by, we then came, all four of us. two boys, two girls and me, now, being the eldest. and life flew above my mom like a swift passing breeze. it was so fast that she even forgot about the dream she once set aside. and for her, it was already too late now.

two months ago, my mom and i had a big fight over this huge favor i was desperately asking from her. she refused simply because my dad disagreed. i forgot the last time i went that ballistic. i was so mad at her that i decided to give her the silent treatment i thought she deserved.

i began asking questions like why can't she make up a decision of her own? why does she always link her life with other people? why can't she be independent? i guess, it was the feminist in me that added the flare in my anger.

for weeks i refused to get her calls. i never replied back whenever she sent me messages asking how am i? did i already find a job and all those other motherly questions, which i live for the most part of growing up.

basically, during that time, i lived a segment of my life telling myself, kung natiis niya ako, kaya ko din siyang tiisin. that was how far i could be when i am mad.

then early this morning, i woke up a bit awkward. i felt there was something different. then i realized, she was there. my entire family went back home here in manila to spend the holidays.

source

as usual, there she was again, living in her own world, built on that part of our house with a knife and a crop in her hands. silent, reserved and almost frail. though i always remember her to be very eager and a bit stronger before.

it always makes me wonder whats going on inside her head. i always wonder what she feels, about choosing to fulfill other people's life other than her own. i wonder what she will rant if given the chance or if she is even capable or brave enough to give out one? did she ever regret living a life behind us?

i grew up telling myself, i don't want to be like her. i don't want to live my entire life behind the shadows of other people. i don't want to lock and stagnate myself doing household chores only and that i will never allow love to hinder me from achieving my dreams. i want to live my life to the fullest. i want to be as successful as i can be until i will be remembered.

suddenly, she turned on my direction and caught me just staring at her. i was literally dumbstruck in that moment. for the first time, i couldn't think of anything that would get me out of that awkward situation. for i still want her to believe that i am still not okay and that i am still mad at her.

but then she smiled at me. something she rarely does and that completely swept away all the grudges i have for her. then she wrapped it all up by saying, "kumain ka na, pinagluto kita ng sinigang na baboy. tinanggalan ko na din yan ng buto para hindi mo na himayin tulad ng gusto mo"

thats when i realized, that indeed, if there is this one person who knows you better than anybdy else, it would be our parents, and for me it would be her.

i never thought, she knew. although it was a given fact in the family that sinigang is my favorite dish (probably because for me, my mom cooks the best sinigang in town like all other children will say about their mother).and compare to other kids who usually separate the fat part from the meat, i on the other hand, would never touch any meat which has bones with it and i hid this from my parents because of the fear that they will call me stubborn(again). eventually, i have outgrown this habit but never i have realized she would remember.

in that moment, as much as i want to deny it to myself and despite being taller and bigger than my mom now, i felt like a kid once again. her scent crumbles down all the knowledge and strength i have proudly acquired from my education and experiences. the touch of her warm skin as it accidentally brushed on mine, brings back memories of me crying for her name for refuge whenever i wake up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream. and her gentle voice can just conjure serenity and calmness, i kept looking for.

indeed, its really hard to talk or write something about the person you genuinely love. that is why i never wrote something about her until now.

i guess, i still don't want to be the person like her for the simple reason i can never be like her. she is beyond any words of description that only the child in me can comprehend. perhaps, she have already fulfilled her dreams, although not the dreams she intended to be but of a better one, and that is raising us well.

source

and now im writing this entry to affirm her success. so that every person who will read this will know that she has been as successful as she can be and she will be remembered to be the mother of this son who once wrote that simple but victorious story of her life.

also read:
letter in the closet

a tribute to friendship: one of the reasons why i love my college days part 2

"o bangon na, magnenevada daw tayo. pahiram ulit ng tshirt mo. hindi ako nakapagdala ng damit eh."

"puta ka! hindi mo pa nga nababalik yung mga pants ko."

she had this beautiful sets of long, colorful and wavy pants, about a three inches below the knees, that i love to wear to school. i never returned a single pair back. but i still keep all of them with me until now.

as cheesy as it may sound, we found another family in our friendship, that made our college days and nights more fruitful and worth recalling. i believe that its something not every college graduate is blessed.

even after we graduated, we have constant communication with each other. we would surprised each other with unexpected visits, eventhough some of us are back in our own provinces. catching what happened to our careers, lovelives and yes, even our sexlives.

until one day, she called for a meet up.

"talaga?! congrats!" S shouted with full astonishment.

"where?" i excitedly asked.

"in london. i just received the letter yesterday. the scholarship will cover everything for my masterals, except for the lodging, ofcourse. if i'll be able to finish all the requirements before the month ends. then perhaps i'll be leaving next month na."

then the realization dropped on us like heavy chunks of ice. we were happy that she had such opportunity abroad, but sad because someone has to leave again. its just hard to live in a country where citizens are their major exports, as if the state thinks that their people don't have friends, families or just simply apathetic.

a year swiftly passed by, but we heard nothing from her. she didn't leave us her numbers, never replied to our messages nor contacted us through friendster or facebook. we missed her and at the same kinda woried. but we have high hopes that she'll be able to tumble down any obstacles she may encounter in london. until i received an contact invitation in my facebook yesterday. it was her.

i immediately accepted her invitation and went to her page. left a message there saying, HUY! PUTANGINA KA! MUSTA KA NA, HAYUP KA! MISS NA MISS NA KITA! I LOVE YOU!

our sociology professor once told us, you can only and truly curse the people you love, that is why we learn to address each other with profanity.

it didn't take long when she replied back. we shifted in using IM. i could feel that there was something different based from the tone of her messages. she was not as perky as she used to, as if she was not that excited as i was. and most of all, she didn't curse back. until she finally admitted she is already in the country since last december, that she is now renting a condominium in qc, with her family. but what surprised me the most was when she said, "magkaka-inanaanak ka na ulit next year."

"what?! are you pregnant?"

"ay hindi, sa kuya ko close kayo nun di ba?! malamang sa akin. 5 months na."

"sinong ama? oh no, don't me tell me taga-london yan."

"hindi, sira. tinatanong pa ba yan?"

"oh no, si M?!"

"andami mo namang oh no... OH YES, si M nga."

"che! hahaha! hah? e di ba may nabuntis din siya dati?"

"oo. pero hindi sila magkasama. and he doesn't know."

"wait lang ha. medyo sumakit ang gspot ko sa iyo. bakit?"

"saka na. i've decided to tell him kapag nalabas ko na para isang paliwanagan na lang."

i was speechless after reading that line. i knew that shes strong, like she has always been. but in a strange way, she made me feel that she needs me, she needs us.

"whatever happens, or if you need anything, never hesitate to contact me ha. kahit ama para sa magiging anak mo, pwede ako."

she laughed.

"hey. seryoso ako," a long pause.

"salamat."

i could picture her crying.

we're both crying.