random conversations, attraction and life thoughts

when i was growing up, i was believed that mutual attraction is the union of opposites; a never ending cycle of compliments; a concoction of appreciation and understanding of what lacks or whats different.

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as one of my grade 5 teachers will always say during her discussion with puberty; boys will always like girls and girls will always like boys. like magnets, opposite attracts and similar repel- thats the law of attraction. Then the year after, i’ve heard she was already handling religion.

when i was in highschool, it became somehow different. but it was only when i reached college, when i finally realized that not all boys like girls and not all girls like boys. same goes with not all gays guys only go with straight men and lesbians only go with straight women.

it was just the other day when some officemates and i noticed how P already developed this talent with his lips. discreetly pointing it to someone he finds cute. and being pros on our own fields, we found our own discreet ways and poses just to find his object of attraction. then eventually laugh with each other after realizing how stupid our efforts were.

"go after him," S advised.

"do you think he's gay too? what if hes straight?" P asked while still locking his stare at the guy.

"would it matter if he is?" T followed.

"of course, it does. i don't want to get myself smacked on the face after making the first move--- thats every gay guys hook up dilemna."

"but isn't that what gay guys after--- straight men?" R reacted.

i tried hard not to laugh. then thats the time i felt that the conversation is becoming very interesting and we will be extending our lunch.

"where are you from? still stuck in the 80s?" P reacted.

"gay guys can only go with straight men if there is money involve, at least that is how it was from how they’ve portrayed it in the movies," T followed.

"wait... so you mean, if a straight guy sleeps (with all the word connotes) with a gay guy with no money involves, he is no longer straight?" it was R.

"of course!"

"but what if the guy is just simply horny that time and just need to find something or someone to release it with, wouldn't that at least be an exception?"

"i believe that for sex to be called sex, there should be at least attraction involve to titillate your thing or at least work your drive--- "

the line "opposites attract, similar repel" whispered inside my head.

source

"so if the straight guy was able to have sex with a gay guy, he should be at least attracted to the latter." (T)

"right!" (P)

"so he is no longer straight!" (R)

"yes! because of the law of attraction---" (S)

Again, i repeated the line inside my head while S stated it,

"opposites attract, similar repel."

"at least if we are following the law of attraction, attraction is purely among opposite sex."

then T argued, "how about attraction with the opposite preference?"

now there goes a rebuttal statement. how a subject of differences, drawn out from a similarity, produces an attraction.

“straight curious,” P exclaimed.

R laughed, “theres such a thing?”

“are you really in the same timeline as we are?”

“i guess so.”

everyone laughed.

“but actually sometimes the label is more of a front,”

“for what?”

“market value...”

“what are you chicken?”

“hahaha! you see, in the world where i am at.”

“internet world i supposed,”

“right! hahaha!” P continued, “the more straight looking you are, the higher your market value.”

“so i’m right, gay guys still go after straight men,” R replied.

“theoretically, true. but technically, not really.”

“so how would you know if someone is just saying he’s straight curious for a front?”

“if he already slept with more than one guy and he is still saying he is curious.”--- more laugh.

“is that something absolute?”

“nop, just figured it out on my own.”

“but why do you need to look as straight as possible? and wheres this market?”

yes. sometimes or most of the time, R’s naive-ness is really beyond normal comprehension.

“its somewhere in the wet area of nepa-q mart. Just try asking the porters outside for directions.”

We all laughed.

“actually, i remember another gay friend who explained to me that he prefers looking straight and having another straight looking as a partner, makes them hidden from other people’s judgment.”

“yeah, make sense.”

everyone agreed even R got the idea.

“so wheres that cutie again?” S broke the silence.

“he’s gone!” R replied.

“tsss! sayang! who started this conversation ba kasi? kainis!”

hahahaha!

believe it or not, i didn’t say a single word from this conversation. i just realized, sometimes, it’s just fun to listen. set aside your views and discover what other people have to say.

seriously, i never really expected my officemates to have this kind of conversation. probably, i underestimated them. but yes, probably that is the wonder of not expecting to much from someone, they just surprise you.

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s,t, r, p and i came from different schools and courses; different family background and interests; hence, different views, ideologies and opinions. most of the time, we are only binded with topics regarding work. after lunch that day, i just realize that regardless of differences the openness and diversity of such issue have gradually found its place on our life thoughts---

just because of random conversations like this and if only people will just start to listen.

someone from the north

*free writing

i am in a place far away. always in transit; nurtured by hellos and farewells. but at the end of it all, it still leaves me wondering, what am i really looking for?

***

there was uncertain silence for every uncertain questions i threw.

but what i only know was he lives in a very remote tribe village in the north. a community, wherein time have already forgotten them. the thought of poverty as their dish served on empty plates and cold corruption as their resting beds.

then he looked at me. his eyes, a bit shy. clearing his throat and composing every words he was about to utter. he smiled again and made his eyes disappear in a dark uplifting arc.

then he said,

i don't know.

perhaps, i just go somewhere ---away here. i already 27 years and done all works just to find i really want. construction, farming, porting, even assistant pastor.

what i experience, i guess never find answer here. so if my response convince you that i true, then, you'll think that i am to do any job regardless small or hard it be. at least, i can something to start.

in an ordinary conversation, the uncertainty and softness of his words can just simply leave someone asking, what did he just actually said?

but for me, the word escape instantly appeared.

in a way, he kinda reminded me of myself a couple of years back or even until now. he made me realize how fortunate i still am and introduce me to the pettiness of my day-to-day rants.

i don't know how am i going to tell it to my boss. if i will lie and tell him he is qualified just to give him that favor. but after we shook hands, i figured that i just cannot stain the honesty of what he said. so i totally told everything to my boss.

and for some weird reason, he understood where the both of us were coming from. hence, i was so surprised when he asked me to contact him again and ask him to go with us to manila by the end of the month. i will find something that he can do and take him as a secret company scholar for a course he always wanted to get--- criminology.

i must admit it definitely gave me goosebumps.

for this lad at least gave me something to hold on; a small piece of what i am really looking for. i may not know what it really is for now. but it feels like i already made my first step going there--- wherever that maybe.

excuse my religion

*this will be a lengthy post.

never argue about religion.

this is the one thing that i have realized from multiple discussions i had so far. for me, regardless, of how interesting or promising the flow of the conversation may be, i always try to avoid it as much as possible; especially at times, when someone insist it to me.

let us admit it, it is never easy to tackle and question another people's belief. for first, it is simply disrespectful, not only to the individual, but to the long history of the community s/he belongs. and lastly, you will never ever reach a common point. it will always be just an (heated) arguement, rather than a healthy debate or conversation.

religion is the sum total of a long history of beliefs and traditions of a particular community. in sociology, it is believed to be practiced and observed for it is deemed appropriate, or better yet beneficial, for the survival of both human individual and society.

i was born and raised roman catholic. and i can say, that my family is pretty strict and compliant when it comes to our religion. signs of it include the fact that all of us studied in exclusive catholic schools. we observe novena everyday, attend mass during sundays, pray grace to each meal we have (even if its just small snacks and meriendas); and even required (by our parents) to memorize, fully understand and discuss each passages of the bible before we go to bed. i even remember my dad bringing me to a seminary when i was sent to the province to take highschool. but since i was a transferee from manila, the rector did not allow me. nonetheless, i never ended up being religious. but i could not classify myself neither as an agnostic nor atheist. i'd rather prefer being called spiritual.

for me, the belief of (a) god/s is always present. but i can not help myself from doubting some claims whenever it is being interpreted and applied by its institution (or the church) to my life. and other than these, i refuse to elaborate further. for as i have earlier mentioned, i am avoiding crossing other people's boundaries, until that day.

he was my immediate supervisor from my previous job. i never really knew him that well. all i knew was, he seriously wants to be a seminarian and hopefully to be a priest. but since the responsibilty of being the eldest son in the family indirectly called him, he set aside this ambition first and took the role of being the bread-winner of his family. nonetheless, he claims that he kept a spiritual adviser in contact whenever his devotion is put into the test because of work.

"eric, are you a catholic?" he politely asked me while i was busy signing some work-related documents.

"by paper, yes. by practice, no."

"meaning?"

"i believe in the presence of god. but i value my free will more than what my church calls for me."

"interesting. but why?"

"i am sorry, boss. but i am really not comfortable elaborating my answer."

"i understand. its okay."

i smiled at him as a sign that i appreciate him respecting my decision. but at the back of my head, i was also itching to know why he raised the question. thus,

"why did you ask?"

"nothing really. i just wondered, how are you with your teammates considering they are... you know.. they are..."

"gays and lesbians?"

yes. all of my teammates, if not for one straight guy , are gays and lesbians.

"i am pretty okay with them. actually, i enjoy their company and i never really considered their sexuality as a problem to their performance or to mine."

"it is surprising that you are pretty open and considerate with this."

"of course, why can't i?"

"you see, personally, i have already accepted this idea (idea??? strike one!), especially in this kind of industry (aha! stereotyping. strike two!). but as a religious person, all i can do is to tolerate. but what i am really against with is the... (he was already twitching just thinking of the word) sex or promiscousity associated with this kind of life style for it is a sin (SIN. strike three. OUT!)."

there goes my queu. gathering all the thoughts in my head, i composed myself and just smiled back at him. for i knew, he would definitely asked for my opinion.

"how about you? whats your stand about this?"

told you.

"for me, sex is neither a need or want. it is a drive. and human nature will tell us, that regardless if it is about sex or not, the more you repress or supress something, the more an individual reacts, craves and does it. thus, in terms of the behavior, we perceive it as being promiscous.

i guess, what i am just trying to say is that the behavior is due to the lack of institutional recognition; that is deemed wrong or a sin because of the absence of that one thing that justifies sex: marriage. though i am not really a big fan of the general concept, i still believe that it will definitely be beneficial to the general welfare of the individuals concerned and even to the society they belong; for the fact, still remains, that regardless of how non-traditional the concept may be, all of us are still deeply rooted with a big part of our common traditions and beliefs.

i believe that human nature is not as complex as what we think it is. what we just need to do is to try being more open to the wide variety of possibilities, in order for us to understand it. besides, there is no such thing as a stationary individual or society. each entity evolves based from each needs in order to survive. thus, if a society is faced with such problem, it does not mean that it needs to throw away everything that it has long-established and change entirely. what we are just being called for is to adjust, if deemed necessary, and then move further. for the only thing that changes in this world is time alone."

then i immediately looked at my supervisor's reaction and i swear, i heard a voice inside of my head saying, "nganga!" hahaha!

he did not follow up anything anymore. he just slowly nodded and asked me to go back to my desk. when i sat on my station, T was seated beside me, "what is that about? it took you guys almost an hour."

"nothing. just trying to know each other."

then i saw a subtle smile on the side of his lips.

"whatever, T."

days after i ended my contract, i received a text message from an unknown number.

"hey eric. how are you? i have heard of what happened. wanna have coffee this weekend?"

it was my supervisor, N.

the dare: what i can do to break someone's machismo

so what do you think are the major problems of the philippines?

it was a friday night and for most people, its a gimik night. but ideally, it was not for me since i have classes for the entire day of saturday. but for the past months, i used to attend classes and cram paper dues without a a descent sleep or had passed bad papers. i guess, friday night is just hard to resist.

so knowing myself, i still went out with my best friend and the rest of the gang in sarahs (the most popular inuman in UP diliman). its been a while since i saw them and i guess, in a way, i have forced myself to restrengthen the old knots.

we only had four bottles of beer. then we decided to call it a night because i'll be needing to help another friend for her thesis. but this friend, invited me to meet her other sets of friends for another drink. so the kaladkarin part of me, as usual, tagged along again.

when we arrived in drews along katipunan avenue, the place was jampacked. she introduced me to her friends. mostly, girls; loud but entertaining girls!

their gang decided to meet up because of m, one of their closest friends, who just recently came back from south korea as an exchange student. he walked in with a korean guy named henry. henry is goodlooking. he has this typical korean boyband look: tall, chinky eyes (of course), tall nose, thin red lips and his straight, to quote m.

then my second inuman started. i've realized, im beginning to be an alcoholic again since i've been drinking for weeks straight now.

anyhow, in the beginning of the inuman, i decided to limit my faction to the people i only know. although, the rest of the circle was quite distracting, for the rest of the girls started kissing each other, which i find very typical in this kind of bars.

then later on M, joined in in the lips ball and they started giving each other smacks and french kisses. while henry on the other hand, was just laughing and observing them.

i, or we, didn't mind it at all. i guess thats just how close and comfortable they were. my only consideration was that they dont really have to flaunt it that way--- or probably again, im just too old for it.

it didn't take me that long before the alcohol spirit kicks in, especially im not really into hard drinks. then i just realized, henry was already talking to me. asking me, what my endevours are? what do i do? if ive been to their country? etc. etc. etc.

so being the hospitable filipino that i am, i politely answered. though i must admit there was a bit of language barrier. but we pretty much understand each other. then, i asked him back.

so why the philippines? have you already served your military service? hows south korea with north korea so far? me, trying to move away from the conventional beauty contest questions, which i think had already asked from him a million times. well, for a 20 year old guy, i must say, he answers well. he thinks years more than the other korean people i've spoke to before. until i asked him, so what do you think are the major problems of the philippines?

without any pause, he immediately answered back. as if he already had a canned answer in mind. first, the government. then, smoking and drinking. lastly, and there too many gays.

ofcourse, among all the answers he said, it was the last line that struck me the most. why? why did you consider gays as a problem?

i appreciate them. im mascom (student) so i have gay friends. but you see, im also christian.

i then sense that henry was starting to get into everyone's nerves. well, i kinda expected it since everyone in the table were sociology graduates/students.

for me, i truly understand his faith and all that. probably because, by now, im already settled with the fact that religion or faith is perhaps the most difficult issue to debate with. noone really draws out a common meeting point because belief is not something that you can totally change over a conversation or even a day. if ever it will happen, it will be long process of dis and reassemblying.

nonetheless, considering homosexuality as a national problem is something i think goes over its definition of what a national problem really is. for me, its not that as if you'll control or prohibit one's sexuality, will basically help the country. considering the fact, that most homosexual nowadays, are active contributors and citizens that are no longer enclosed among the stereotyped professions. in my opinion, the filipino society has, so far, transgressed the issue of gender in a borderless professional space, where one is no longer classified based on his/her gender.

anyhow, i respected his answer. i guess, it was an opinion he is really entitled with since he came from a relatively different culture than ours. but then, he asked me if i were comfortable with that "problem." and in a way i said, yes. though i told him, i don't really considered it as a problem. then surprised with my answer, he asked me the same question thrice, which i answered back with greater stress and conviction in each repeats.

"really?! seriously?! no kiddin?!"

then he moved closely and whispered, "if you are really the person you claim to be, then can you give my gay friend here (M) a french kiss?"

by that time, i was already on the verge of a heart attack.

you see, despite my extrovert personality, i still consider myself as a very private person. a lot of people can actually atest to this. and kissing in public, especially in a well packed place, is something i would not really do. eventhough people wouldn't eallymind. but then again, i thought, if this would cause breaking another person's machismo, then perhaps its worth it and besides i remember putting "making out with a stranger" as one of my lifelist last year. so i heed to the challenge.

but i told henry that, i'll only give m a french kiss, if he'll do it to him too afterwards.

still convinced that i am bluffing, he agreed and sealed it with a handshake.

so i stood up from my chair, grab m's back neck, move him closer to my face and gave a good two minuter.

for me, everything just turned blank black. all i could sense was the crowd cheering. nothing else.

then we were done. i moved away, returned back to my seat and laughed while looking at henry's surprised face.

i admit, i was already too tipsy to mind the people from the other tables, who were also cheering that time. m then, extended his hand and congratulated me.

the poor henry, on the other hand, was still shocked in disbelief. and by the time the crowd turned their cheers to him, he asked for a moment. he prayed and started talking to m and explained to him beforehand what they're going to do will not mean a thing to him and that he is still straight. when m affirmed, henry then shut his eyes and just waited for the guy infront to kiss him. m then dived in with his tounge trying to get in in henry's closed lips.

the crowd then reacted that it was not a french kiss since there were really no tounge from both parties involved. so henry loosened up and allowed m's tounge to go through. in other words, the kiss went longer than it should have been.

when they were done, everyone cheered louder for all three of us.

suddenly the girls in our table asked henry to do it as well to me. but i refused, saying that its no longer part of the deal and the atmosphere was getting more immature than it used to be from the time i kissed m. no, from the moment harry came up with that dare.

but basically, henry and i shook each other's hands and in a way i am glad that we were both (hu)man enough to stand by our words.

after a while, we noticed henry started making the same moves toward the other girls. trying to throw the same dare we made earlier. but the girls politely refused, but then he kept on insisting until some of them were beginning to ask for my help.

i guess, it was already too much alcohol for most of us or the guy was just trying to reconfirm his sexuality by doing it to the girls. well, im just laughed at the thought of it. eventually, henry raised the white flag and officially ended his night by sleeping on the table. while us on the otherhand, decided to hit home.

it was definitely a long night. nonetheless, it was all worth it. probably because something new happened for me in an inuman. someone went out of his comfort zone and crossed a life list. while the other hopefully learned something out of it, thats if he still remember everything that happened when he wakes up.

something to ponder about

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A bunch of people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom

-Kat N., a wonderful friend

*repost*

today, december 1, is world AIDS day.

same day, gloria macapagal arroyo

is filing her candidacy

in congress

for the 2010 national election.

lesson of the day:

protect and respect

ganun ba talaga kahirap intindihin yun?

yes, another cory post

source

freedom and democracy

are the most over used words of the day.

yet i still dont feel it.

but who am i to say this, if what i have done and doing

is nothing

in comparison with what she have achieved.

we might have our own different stands

when it comes to her,

what she have done,

and what she was as a leader.

but one thing i am sure,

same reason why i am posting this,

because despite the CARP,

the billion dollar debts that she could have lifted

and even the hacienda luisita massacre,

she was the only person,

woman for that matter,

i felt that the majority of the filipino people

have united,

even

for just a day;

and even just for

that simple reason.

farewell,

corazon conjuanco-aquino.

(january 25, 1933 to August 1, 2009)

paradox: ang sobrang "aksyon" sa senado

isang araw sa loob ng senado, todo nagpapicture ako! oo kasi first time ko.

habang busy sa kahahanap ng pwedeng pag pikturan may isang sulok doon na sobrang kinagulat ko...

BULAGA!!!

honorable LITO LAPID.

shocking!!!

senador pala natin siya?

sobrang shock lang po. pasensiya na! kung sino man ang may alam kung ano ang nagawa niya sa kanyang SIX, yes ANIM na taon sa posisyon, pakimessage naman po sa entry na ito?

Hayyy, di ako maka move on...

matuloy na nga lang ang pag cacam whore... uy si KESO!!! aaaahhh!

appreciated

cj was one of those freshmen, craving for attention and trying to enter the senior's circle of the group. he was hyper active and was tag as boy bibo by most of us. but i never conceived it as something positive. probably because we were the complete opposite.

i was always the aloof one, trying to be a loner and observing a distance from everybody else. i never desired for attention and just wanted everything to be done by my own. in short, i deemed myself as the non-team player. but being the head of the group, i was obliged to socialize from the rest of the members and made sure that the group was intact. so it was inevitable for our paths to cross.

one day, 3 hours before our play starts, i was busy finishing and polishing some props and stage designs, when CJ popped up from nowhere. he was one of the supporting actors of the play and had the least thing to do while i was the technical director. since he was done with all of his rehearsals, he approached me and started eyeing what i was doing. although i know he was just getting my attention again, like he usually does, i felt really annoyed, especially because i get easily irritated whenever someone is disturbing what i am doing and to top it all up, he was actually insulting it.

i silently sighed and told myself, to be patient for he is just a freshman. i ignored him and continued what i was doing. but he would not just stop, i calmly asked him not to bother me since i am cramming. i moved all my things to the veranda and continued finishing it there. but CJ was really testing my patience. he followed me, picked one of my paint brushes and started stroking what i was doing. a heavier sigh moved my chest. then random thoughts spurred inside my head until i found myself asking him, minsan ba, hindi mo narerealize na hindi ka naapreciate ng ibang tao? (don't you sometimes realize that people don't appreciate you?)

then there was a sudden silence. puzzled, i slowly looked at him and saw his lips wide open, eyes bursting with tears but no sound came out of his mouth. i realized that he was not just offended, he was crying his heart out. he immediately ran inside the house, opened the door and hailed a cab. everyone inside was surprised and it created a big commotion within the group. but i did not run to follow him.

in a way, i felt guilty. but at the back of my head, i thought he deserved it. sometimes we just need to get hurt in order for us to have a wake up call.

three months had passed. CJ was still not talking to me. but i am not moved either. but i really felt his gradual change. he was no longer fishing for attention and quite sensitive in relating to others. i thought what i did actually helped him.

until one day, he started talking to me again. but it was no longer the way he used to. i saw his smile but it was quite different from before.

i know, i have seen that smile from others' faces before--- oh right! he's inlove! and later he confirmed.

i never saw him that happy before and it looked like my biases for him faded as well. he confessed that he is dating someone from another organization and was really thinking of taking it seriously. honestly, i was very happy for him.

then a month passed, CJ was no longer attending our meetings and i didn't see or felt his presence for a time. well, i understood. the guy is courting someone. what can we do?
until one day, i saw him slowly walking along the pathway; head down with a blank face. i never saw him that way or probably i am just not used of seeing him in his down moments. i asked him if he was alright? he just gave me a nod and went straight home.

i wondered what bothered him. then i saw the person he was dating with my former roommate, having the time of their lives together underneath oblation. in a way, i understood what he was going through.

then after an hour, i saw his housemates panicking. they informed me CJ committed suicide. it became a big news in the campus. fortunately, he survived.

weeks after, he was back again. but now with a bigger smile despite the murmurs of what he have done. he remained on his ground and pretended as if nothing really happened--- his life or better yet his second life continues.

the semester ended and another came through swiftly. then someone told me CJ was not enrolling and transferred to another campus. years passed and we lost contact. the campus also forgotten what happened. until one day, i have heard CJ was actively involved in another group in their province and was no longer with his family. until, i have heard that he already joined the movement. i was surprised. i never thought with my wildest imagination that a former freshman who once entered our audition, with a perky smile and whimpy attitude would sacrifice everything and hold a gun to fight for what he believes and uphold the rights of many.

i never heard from him anymore. the last time i saw him was here in manila which happened to be just a coincidence. we had a small chitchat in the middle of an ongoing rally which i just happened to pass by. he told me about his experiences, how he adjusted massively, and how fulfilled he was in what he is doing now.

his words moved me. i was actually having second thoughts if i am actually speaking to the same person. then in the middle of our conversation he asked,

do you still remember the time when you made me cry?

i chuckled.

do you still remember the exact line you have told me?

i paused and made a nod.

thanks--- that was the last word he said to me.

the son

this year's summer is terribly horrible. it reaches the point that i would wake up in the middle of my sleep soaked with sweat and forced to hit the bathroom and take a quick shower. i haven't had a decent sleep lately because of it and seriously, its driving me nuts.

but i didn't think that day would be hotter. i was riding the train on my way to work, still dripping with sweat, when suddenly i felt someone staring at me. i tried looking around to find where its coming from and in my surprise, i saw those pair of eyes not far from where i am standing at. 

those eyes were full of expression and probably one of the most attractive eyes i have seen. if it was not excitement, then i couldn't think of anything else inside it. i looked away and tried checking it on my periphery but it seemed like it was still staring. i tried making a glimpse and there it was still locked on my direction. the feeling was starting to be uncomfortable. probably, because i am not used to this situation.

the train stopped and doors opened. people hopped out while some moved in. most of the passengers are pushing and struggling their way inside. in my surprise, those eyes were already beside me without my notice. we were looking at the same direction, outside the window. staring the setting sun behind those towering buildings at everything swiftly passes, as fast as the adrenalin crazily rushing inside me.

i am quite familiar with the situation from the blogs and films i have seen. but its indeed different once your ass is into it. all i have to do now, is wait. if those eyes are really into me then it will make the first move. i even catched it staring at me thrice. so i know, i am the game. but no move has been done yet and were fast approaching my station. when the train reached my drop off, it was mix emotions. i was grateful for nothing happened but on the otherhand, the frustation and regret were annoying me. 

i was already standing in the escalator when the same feeling started again. i looked back and in my surprise, saw the same set of eyes still following me. in a way, i found myself slowing down.

why am i slowing down? i panicly asked myself, what if it does catch me? am i ready or even game for it? skipping work for that day was already out of the question. what bothered me was where to go, what to do, and how will everything end up? 

then suddenly, i felt a weight on my right shoulder. i turned around and saw those pair of eyes glaring with excitement more than before. 

"jeff?" the thin lips below those eyes uttered.

i was surprised, its been ages since i last heard someone called my first name. only my parents, relatives and friends before college call me that. everyone i met from college to the present know me as erick. 

i looked at those eyes carefully, searching for any resemblance or familiarity. but nothing came up. 

"aren't you vice's son?"

then it hit me. the eyes know my dad. i carefully nodded.

"ekso!" he exclaimed.

ekso is a bicolano term referring to godsibling or kinakapatid. my dad happens to be a politician in bicol and you would be surprise to know how many weddings and baptisms he had been as a godparent. 

"i know it was you when i saw you inside the train. you look exactly like your father."

i am unsure if that was a compliment or not. i smiled but no words came out of my lips. i don't even know his f*&$%$ name.

"you probably don't know me. my name is _____. i have been in your place a couple of times before but never had the chance to meet you since you studied in baguio. so i suppose you graduated now. are you working here in makati?"

yes, finally a word came out of my mouth. 

those eyes accompany me to my office and talked a lot of things over. mostly, about my dad. but my attention was elsewhere. i suddenly noticed that it gradually became just a regular pair of eyes as we walked our way. when we reached the front of my building, i looked back to it again. but despite its smile and how it arched above those prominent cheeks, i never saw even the slightest resemblance from earlier. we waived our goodbyes and parted ways. as i walked inside the office, all i could do was to release a heavy sigh.

it was damn close! i almost got busted. then suddenly, my phone beeped. its my dad. 

so you've met your ekso?

i just hate being a politician's son.

attacking the aggressor

the other day, my favorite aunt, whom i lived with, during childhood came home from hongkong. for me it was something i shouldn't miss. not because of the chocolates or the pasalubong but because of the fact that i have long considered her as one of my significant others and its been a while since i last saw her.

after she left the country and decided to live in hongkong, she landed as a bank supervisor and lives with her husband who is a senior journalist for a hongkong-based asian magazine.

so before my shift starts that afternoon, i have immediately stood from my bed and paid her a visit for lunch.

it was a long kamustahan. but ended up with a discussion about life living away from home. no wonder i never thought of going abroad.

but eventually the highlight of that lunch shifted to this certain chinese journalist who wrote an article calling the philippines a nation of servants.

then the same night, dabo sent me an email regarding the actual transcript of the said article. 

yes, i was dismayed on how this journalist used his position to demean other people. but reading the response from fellow filipinos made it worst. 

when someone hit you, smile back and give him a tap. you don't really have to stoop down to the aggresor's level, in order for other people to realize who is righteous between the both of you.

i never believed in dealing aggression with aggression. as much as possible, i tend to fireback with dignity and in the wittiest way i can be, and that for me is the sweetest among all form of revenge.

nonetheless, i have only three points about the article.

first, i don't really understand the point chip tsao is driving at in his article. it seems like he finds it offensive for filipinos, who help and assist his fellow chinese with their everday lives and be away from their families, and to quote him, for cheap labor, to protect a territory they believe to be theirs. but it is alright for him for russians to blow a hongkong freighter and kill seven of their people since stalin and lenin, who were both russians, were one of the pillars of their chinese ideology. also, it is just for japanese to plant their flag without due process and take complete ownership of diaoyu island for the simple reason that they love japanese animes. 

its a big HUH?!? if you'll ask me. 

second, being a best selling author and columnist, he should know that there is also a great wall in between being satire and being racist. and definitely this article is the least thing from being satire. satiric writing makes use of a smart humor in order to fish improvement from a pool of problems, conflicts and disputes. but it seemed like, i don't hear anyone laughing in this article or probably someone might have a poor sense of humor--- now, that is being satire.

lastly, hanging a map, giving a harsh lecture then threatening his filipino helper would still not make any sense at all. assuming that louisa indeed has a degree in international politics, would he expect her to argue with him, if he already posed a threat against her job? 

the ongoing dispute on who really owns the spratlys, nansha, kalayaan or quần Đảo trường sa islands is becoming an issue that transgresses from territorial claims to a deep dark well of racial discrimination. when everyone believed that modernity and globalization will be able to fill the depth of our racial prejudices against one another, it seemed like someone miscalculated the real depth that they have to patch up. 
history have already told us that the longest and most brutal wars the world has seen actually rooted from the same conflict that we are actually involve at- land. 

i just hope that no war will be witnessed again for the next decades and centuries to come, or better yet, no war at all. but of course, that is just my idealistic self speaking again

1017: sa paglaya ng aking salita

earlier, i woke up with this thing inside my head itching to go out. but i still didn't let go. but who knows? probably soon. probably by the time, i finish this story. probably by the time everything is already set.

but today, what is important is this favor that i am doing for a friend.




a story of two friends who ventured on a journey far more than what they have expected, tanggled within the complicated web of love, gender, politics and even within themselves. it highlighted the question, how hard is it to say what you really feel? and how difficult is it to accept the response?


"1017 gives pink films another face."- ricky lo


1017: Sa Paglaya ng Aking Salita
March 03, 2009
7:30 pm, UP Cine Adarna
UP-Diliman, Quezon City
tickets are available at the lobby or contact 09064755774

what is the filipino dream?

we popularly hear the american dream, which is more inclined with the economic aspect of living in the land of milk and honey, not only among americans but even among people living outside the us. but then i wondered, here in the philippines, do we actually have a dream of our own? is there such a thing as a filipino dream?

yes, we do. as silly as it can be imagined.

40 years ago, the national dream of every filipino is to become an actor/ actress. it was rooted within the extremity of the fan culture in the country during the late 60s to the early 70s. it was something more than the japanese people are now. it reached its peak when it reached the phenomenal vilma santos and nora aunor rivalry, where the country was literally put into half: the vilmanians and the noranians.

vilma became the icon of the tisay fairness that was typically the common definition of beauty in the country even up to now. but she proved to the people that she is more than that. she excelled in her craft by giving out sheer talent in acting (again, its acting, not singing), the same reason why she was loved and still love by her audience.


on the other hand, nora aunor redefined the philippine film industry by proving that a young, typically looking girl, who was once selling iced water along train rails in the province can actually be big in the industry. thus, it gave hope to almost all typically looking filipinos.


i even remember myself when i was a kid saying that i also wanted to be an actor someday, regardless how embarassing it was. but who doesn't wanted to be one, right? now, i am thinking, is it still the dominating definition of the filipino dream?

if the philippine dream before was reflected on how the show, "that's entertainment" rated. today, we could no longer determine it by watching the same host's show, "walang tulugan." darn, it will definitely show us an entirely different scenario.

if you want to know how is it still holding atleast in the metro, just turn on your tv and switch your channel to the tons of reality shows we have. if you are lucky enough, you might bump into the audition episodes and feast yourself upon the long pile or even seas of people doing everything as in EVERYTHING to win a slot in the show. as an audience we just get tired of hearing all the well fabricated and sometime inconsistent stories of their lives and their common aspiration to lift their family from poverty--- the typical filipino drama. most of these people are stuck with the belief that the only way to help their family is to become a star. but with all the challenges that a common filipino struggles with his everyday life just to land a decent job, who can blame them, right?

nonetheless, i believe that the filipino dream of becoming an actor/actress already seized down. in comparison, with what it was before. probably, after the stardom of nora aunor, no typically looking filipino followed her. thus, the filipino dream shifted from becoming an actor/actress to the filipino diaspora of leaving the country.

accept it or not, today, most filipinos mindset of success is anchored upon leaving the country and having a job elsewhere. this is clearly manifested on the kind of college courses we have. as of the moment, nursing, engineering and maritime are the three most populated courses in the country; and all of which are in demand professions all over the world.

then i wonder, is this really our filipino dream? and how is it different from the american dream? there are just too many questions running in my head right now, that i could no longer decipher how my personal dream differs from both dreams. at the end, i just have to ask myself, why do we really have to tie everything about ourselves to america?

sigh.

the lost me

for the longest time, i have preferred not to talk about anything political in this blog. the choice came from my conscious bias on where i stand regarding the country's political situation.some call it leftist. but for me, its more of being critical--- in the most objective way possible.
i have been an activist during my entire college stay. coincidentally, in a university, where majority of the students are deemed to be one, atleast during my time.


whenever i hear the news, i just can't stop myself from thinking, where will i be now? or what am i doing, if i opt in staying in the movement? will i be happier?


different from the common perception of people that being an activist is an idle person's activity, being cynical or even moves of the hopeless, it is actually the other way around.


honestly, i enjoyed my experiences being one. its not only the thrill of chasing with the police, ranting among rallies and mobilizations, and attending endless meetings. but more with regard to meeting various faces and stories and most of all learning and actually contributing something for the society. i must say that its definitely exhausting. but at the end of the day, i feel somehow fulfilled. regardless, if the results of all these that i am or we are fighting for are unsure. probably, this is what makes us going, believing for what you are fighting for and you know is right. but recently, i began losing track of this essence.


with all the news that is bombarding us, it seemed like regradless, how intense the rallies and movements are, everything ends up to nothing. thus, it makes me think is the country's government already hopeless? i wondered where jun lozada is, now? and how come despite tons of news about corruptions and anomalies in the government, majority of the people still care less?


a friend from baguio, who is now based here in manila, invited me to a demonstration in recto a couple of months back. but i declined the invitation because i felt that i have already outgrown that stage of my life and already have a different priority. but when i reached home that night, i felt frustrated, as if i haven't really accomplished anything. then i realized, what makes me different from these people who don't care about the government?


yes, ofcourse, it easier for us to say that we our contributing in our own ways? and yes, there are indeed a number of other ways for us to contribute. but the question is, are we really doing and living it?


someone once told me that probably filipinos are just tired of all these for they don't see any favorable results in joining such: going to the streets, conducting mobilizations and what have you. but i believe otherwise. for me, i believe that most filipinos just still feel guilty about the mistake of throwing an administration for another, which is worst. thus, no one dares to commit the same mistake again.


but one should know that in commiting mistake, it doesn't stop from just admitting it and accepting its consequences. we should all learn how to correct this mistake. one should also put in mind that there are actually no maximum numbers of committing mistakes in life.what matters is how many were we able to correct out of those mistakes.


upon writing this post, i have realized that if i will stop and will keep on believing that the country will be hopeless, then how can i see another people to believe for the same hope i have turned my back?


that's the burden i have to carry for myself.

and no, i am not the political messiah, this country is needing. i am just a boy sitting infront of his computer asking it to be faster... hehehe

to be sexual is to be political

boy meets girl, girl swings to girl, girl meets girl, girl swings to boy and boy swings to boy, then boy meets boy and who knows who else or how many more characters will be in this set up we call relationships.

source

relationships nowadays, are quite complicated from the one that our parents or grandparents had, or even more way different from what our ancestors knew about.

although, these non-conventional forms of relationships would have probably been present before, because of lack of knowledge about it, some have decided to conceal it from the ignorant mind of the public, especially since the word relationship is either tagged with love or the generally considered tabboo word, sex. nonetheless, it is a given fact that human relationships just like any elements of human societies evolve as men approach modernity.

modernity is an endless operative term for a society's survival. its main purpose is to clear ignorance and promote change. on the other hand, not all social changes just happen in an instant. for we have religion to censor, check and balance it with our established morals. religion is basically the product of human faith and at the same time the protector of established traditions, norms, mores and beliefs.

now, the question is, what happens when all these three elements deal with a particular social change?

probably, the best example to picture this out is the ongoing debate regarding the passage of the reproductive health bill in the congress. the pros of the bill say that this will help us in controling population explosion, in which also has a direct effect to what the nation is experiencing regarding poverty crisis. in addition, the proponents of the said bill are also alarmed about the growing number of infants, women and minors who dies and vulnerable against the threats of unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

while the cons of the bill contest it, because they claim that passing the bill will run over the nation's strong foundation of morality particularly within the christian faith: that it goes beyond the natural process of life.

well. i would no longer hide my stand behind my words, for my say into this topic would have probably been more pungent than any scent by now. i believe that there is no other time, place nor way to pass this bill than today.

who can blame me?

source

everyday, as i pass every single street here in manila, there is no instance that i didn't see a single street kid begging for alms. its just heart crushing to wonder where they're parents are or how they struggle to live the next day. these children are scattered all over the metro: in the stairs of the mrt station, in front of your building, beside your house, near your school and even infront of your face either blowing and inhaling solvent in a plastic bag or scavenging for left over food infront of a fastfood chain. aside from the fact that these scenes are just in metro manila alone.

i asked myself before, how come poor couples still keep on producing kids eventhough they know that they are not capable of supporting them financially, at the very least? someone then told me that it is because of lack of jobs. these people just make themselves productive with their partners. while others live within the belief that the more number of children one have the more chances of the parents to achieve a well off life. quite logical right? and i actually lived within those answer up until earlier.

i received an email from my thesis adviser regarding an online petition for the passage of the reproductive health bill. after running along the bill, i realized that it is not really the lack of things to do that drives these people to bear more and more children nor the raffle-like belief of most of us, that the more children (entries), the more chances of winning, rather it is the lack of information and available options for them to plan their family.

i believe that, like what the bible teaches us, freewill should always be observed and respected. in addition, it should also be provided with the complete and necessary options. one should be informed and educated about his/her options and not to be constrained with what other people/ institutions think as right or wrong. human beings deserve more than that, regardless what you're religious affiliation is.

the bill is all encompassing. it doesn't only tackle the issue of couples planning their family. but also the growing concerns regarding premarital, juvenile and homosexual sex cases anchored (only) upon the rising cases of sexually transmitted diseases, abortion and what have you.
the presence of such concepts are clear manifestations that there are already "morality" cracks in the very foundation that the church is protecting even without the passing of the said bill. this is a fact that all of us need to own and recognize. we should also remember that a bill is created in response to the call of its very society and at the same time a reflection of its very situations and needs. nonetheless, i am not blaming anyone because of this outcome. since this is a shared responsibility of everyone. with the various venues and media that modernity offer us, it is really difficult to cope up and take actions to balance things out. but i believe that providing options such as the proposals of the said bill gives as a good battling chance in achieving this.

lastly, everyone should understand that promoting the bill don't necessarily mean that it is promoting rampant and anarcheic view toward sex. in fact, i believe that it equips and develops us, people toward the necessary knowledge, responsibility and tools to cope up with the concept of sex, plain and simple.

probably, what i am really driving at is, changes are inevitable since it promises growth ofr everyone. but not all changes are necessary thus we need to sort it out and there is no better way to attack it than to have an open mind instead of a dogmatic one.
if you share the same sentiments. please free to attach your digital signature to this website. the organization is aiming to gather on emillion signatures to show the congress the wide support for the bill's passage.

http://www.PetitionOnline.com/rhan2008/petition.html

why stomachs matter in nation building

a social scientist, who devoted majority of his life living within the slummest area in manila once said that, despite the dominant poverty in the country, no filipino will ever die because of it. he strongly believes that filipinos are innately resourceful. they will come up with the most tactical way in order to survive another day, even if it means going to the extremes like eating leftover food outside fastfood chains and restaurants and the likes.
indeed, the saying as poor as a rat is one of the most common line heard among every filipino. probably because majority of us have experienced poverty (the filipino style) once in our life. nonetheless, we have survived or better yet, we are still surviving among these challenges.
but recently, one of the most alarming and disturbing news in the country came up. it was about a mother who committed suicide after poisoning her three children. she forced her children to drink a spoonful of toilet bowl cleaner out of hopelessness with their lives.
almost a year ago, an 11 year old girl also committed suicide by hanging herself after leaving a diary telling how she have lived out of extreme poverty.
what was common between the two stories, aside from the fact that both was regarding suicide out of poverty, was that financial and material aid, majority coming from the government poured to the families after that incident.
the thing is, it is already depressing to know that such horrible event could actually happen. the thought that filipinos are already beginning to lose hope with their lives: is also a clear reflection that they (or we) are beginning (or already) lose their trust to our social institutions specifically to the government.
but what is more aggravating with this, is the fact, that the government treats these aids as more of a momentary and individual response to such case rather than a general preventive measure to avoid such things.
yes, of course, running a country is not as easy and fun as playing sims. there isn't even any option where you could start it all over once problems are already hitting your characters. because aside from the political, economic and social factors within the country, the government also consider the global contexts.
but with all the price hikes, peso devaluation, mindanao conflicts and the rest of the news bombarding us, where will a typical juan dela cruz finds hope to his life, other than religion, if he could no longer trust the very institution that promised to guide and protect him?
the administration is even pushing the current government to federalism and charter change to answer these problems. but i believe regardless of what form of government we have or any constitution changes, if we are just putting in the same sets of monkeys on those seats, it will be just a waste of effort, time and another grand expenditure of public funds.
i believe it is more of changing our political culture and consciousness that could answer the call of our current context. if every citizen will be more politically conscious and participative (do you see the difference?), it will definitely make a big difference. this answer may be idealistic for some, especially to those who already lost their trust to our politics and more to the hope for change. but if the nation's cry is leaning towards it, then i believe it is worth a try. but how can we actually attract people to nourish their political consciousness and drive their participation if their trust in politics or the government to be more specific, is already gone?
i believe that the line, the easiest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, doesn't only apply to lovers. but could also be used as an effective political strategy. a nation is as good as its citizens. we may never win the entire nation's heart. but if you'll be able to feed atleast a person's stomach by assisting him to acquire all his needs to survive. then you'll be able to win him completely. if this deed is witnessed and experienced by others: and you are able to sustain and develop it, then you'll be able regain trust, rebuild hope and recall an entire nation to whatever goal it has or if it has one.

just my opinion.

outside the circle (part3): the farmer

at the midst of the meniggococemia hysteria in baguio city around 2005, a more historic event actually happened, it was the hacienda luisita massacre. unfortunately, because of the over-sensationalized news about the false alarmed outbreak of some media networks, only few learned about it.
i remember packing sacks and boxes of rice, vegetables and canned goods to platic bags days before we went to tarlac. we were actually among the first student delegations that went to hacienda after the gruesome killings.
the feeling was beyond words when we stepped off the bus. the sight of hundreds of farmers, consisting of the actual picket line, clapping and cheering at you in tears, was indeed something that you would forever remember. it felt like as if you're given a standing ovation after a delivered speech for an acceptance of a nobel peace award. nonetheless, for me and most of my peers, it is more of an obligation towards our fellowmen than an award that we should keep for ourselves.
you could never imagine the number and weight of various stories that was told to us by different individuals. stories that go about beyond the words of injustice, cruelty and almost inhumane. surprisingly, as much as i wanted not to believe it, all of the accounts are undeniably consistent with one another.
i've heard stories of how farmers almost tire and even kill themselves out in working in the vast sugar cane field. how they've lost their limbs and loved ones in the sharp edges of their own carits. and all of these for what? for a pay slip that is worth P9.50 for a week work. yes, its P9.50 a week!
probably a very small amount of money for most of us. its only a jeep ride from cubao to marikina, an extra rice in a fastfood chain, three pieces of tukneneng in the middle of gil puyat, two pieces of pan de coco in julie's bakery and roughly five marlboro lights sticks.
but for these farmers, P9.50 means a lot. it means a whole family to feed for a week, an amount that will mold their family's survival and future and basically defines the value of their lives.
so who can blame them if they want their voices to be heard by the conjuangcos? if they will form a picket line infront of the central azucarera just for their pleads to be noticed? will you blame them if they'll ask for a higher compensation for a week of hard work? well, i just hope not.
unfortunately for these farmers, the saddest part is yet to come.



november 2005--- after two unsuccesful attempts by the military and the hacienda's administration of crumbling down the line (first was through shield and sticks and the second was with the use of huge firetruck spraying them with a mixture of water, steel dust and liquid sosa), they've come up with their last resort.
the picket line was erected infront of the central azucarera's main gate to block all people who will come out of the premise. when all of a sudden, in the most unexpected time of the day, a huge army tank frocefully crossed and broke down the steel gate. then a number of army men followed the tank and fired their guns randomly. farmers, supporters and children ran for their lives towards the safety of the talling sugar cane field. the air was filled with unending gunfires, agonizing cries and people shouting for the names of their missing loved ones. if i was not mistaken, 19 people died and more than 20 were missings.
no wonder there were a lot of pictures posted on almost all tents when we arrived at the picket line. aside from the pictures of the people whose coffins are inside the tents, there were still other people who were missing and hoping to be found.
each of us were designated with a buddy to ensure our security while inside the hacienda. there, manong jojo was assigned to me. he was a small man, probably six inches smaller than me, his skin was evidence of how often he was under the schorching sun. nonetheless, he has the most wonderful smile among the other farmers.
while we were on our way to the next picket line, he told me a lot of stories about himself. i learned that he has been a farmer in the hacienda all his life and this was passed to him by his father, which was passed over by his father's father as well and so on. inshort, he came from a family of farmers older than the hacienda itself. but unfortunately, it seemed like manong jojo will be the last farmer of their line. he lost his son, JR, on the day of the killings. i was extremely in shock of what i have heard. no words came out of my mouth and even my breathing stopped for a moment. i never expected that for a man who has the most uplifting smile was actually one of those who had the heaviest hearts.

he told me that JR didn't actually join the picket. it was just that day when he thought of bringing his parents a gallon of water just in case there will be another tear gas attack. for the water source from the picket line was actually more or less a mile away. but unfortunately, when JR arrived in the picket line, he was stuck in the middle of the firings. and he was mistakenly assumed to be one of the people who were doing the picket. after the firings, JR's body was seen hanging in the azucarera's wall: his neck wrapped with chicken wires that was used to suspend him: and multiple gun shots and stabbed wounds were found all around his body.
probably if not for the size of the tears (probably the biggest and roundest tears i have ever seen) that were about to drop from manong jojo's eyes while we were takking and the actual pictures that he have shown me, i would not even, in my wildest imagination, believe that it happened. not to mention the fact, that JR's story was just one among the many other stories that happened that day.
on our last night, the media came. i saw one interviewing manong jojo. at last, everyone will now hear his story. that night a "parangal" was given to those who have sacrificed their lives and to to those who are still continuing what they're fighting for. there were cultural presentations from other delegations, solidary messages and speeches from the relatives and loved ones who passed away and those who are missing. that would probably be one of my most celebrated event in my tibak life.
the next morning we bid our farewells to the farmers of hacienda luisita. but before i went inside the bus, i immediately approached manong jojo and gave him a sketch that i tried finishing the night we were introduced. its a portrait of two men embracing one another. but they are separated by a carit's slash. we shook hands and gave our appreciation and gratitude to one another. i will never forget him. these are the things magical and overwhelming about being an activist. for such never really happens in a day to day basis.



when we arrived in baguio. i just took a quick shower and went to the sala to watch the nightly news. after a while, the news about the hacienda luisita came in. i saw the reporter who interviewed manong jojo and he was now talking in the screen. then there were clippings of the picket line. at the back of my head, there was a wishful thinking that i'll be seen. but it didn't. then manong jojo appeared. the actual interview that took probably 15 minutes was only aired for less than 30 seconds. basically, the reporter took first the side of the farmers and then took the side of the military. i really carefully listened to the army's part. the officer in charge, forgot his name though, was now being interview. he claimed that the reason that why their men fired at the farmers because of an intelligence report that claims there were actually npas integrated in the actual picket. then they showed a picture of dead men lying in a hospital floor with high ammunition guns beside them.i was about to explode when i saw the pictures. i was really aggitated watching it that i really began cursing at the top of my throat. i am no expert when it comes to military combats ethics and protocols. but i believe that it is a given fact that a military officer is forbidden to engage in combat around civilians. and even so, following the logic of the officer being interviewed, is it justifiable to assume that all of the people who are in the picket line and around the area as npas, thus, they can randomly shoot at them? second, it is dumb obvious that the high ammunitions were just set up and placed at the side of each of the bodies. who will bring a firearm that big inside any mass assembly?
but even so, sometimes, if you'll come to think of it, its a human and natural reaction that if someone has been stepped on and stripped off of their rights, they will definitely retaliate. although, i am more of the diplomatic type of person, i still believe that it will still and always depend on the personality and decision of the people involve.i really admire people who voice and/or act upon to their principles: determined to be heard regardless if its through the use of arms or in a more diplomatic way.its just sad that at present, most people could not care more about such issues: oil fare hike, corruption and the like. some say that joining rallies, lobbying or what have you, are already not as effective as before. while others just have had enough of seeing, hearing and reading. thus, they would not particpate and worst be empathetic.yes, it is easy for us to say that we actually do and deny the fact that we are sounding defensive. but have you ever thought, what have you really done to address these issues and how effective it is so far?well, i must admit that i, myself is guilty of the things that i am pointing at. and like most of these people, i also have so many things to consider and priorities to mind about. but at the end of the day, whenever i watch the news, i always remember manong jojo and asked myself, what happened?

the prize

"no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937

this would probably be one of the most powerful quotations I've encountered, if not the best. and it was just recently when i remembered and acted upon its essence.
I am seriously beginning to feel the toll of my upcoming semester. for i never thought that transferring to another school plus looking for a job that would not conflict with my classes or atleast, a day job was this exhausting. so i strolled inside a mall here in quezon city as a part of my usual regime whenever i am stressed out.
while i was walking and feeling the place, a chinky-eyed man, probably in his mid-30s, accidentally bumped against me. i knew it was nobody's fault since both of us didn't see one another coming. so out of politeness i immediately retaliated with apologies. but what i thought to be as a usual street bumps, was actually a nag from hell.
it was just that point that i determined that he was a foreigner (basing from the way he speaks) when he began shouting and pointing his forefinger to me. i've heard curses and prejudices in what was supposed to be an english litany. it was already just active listening and commonsense that was working in me to decipher what he was actually saying. but when i've heard the words: filipinos, stupid, dark-skinned and skin slugs, i knew it was already beyond the incident.

source

despite his attitude, i still allowed him to finish his monologue. i also noticed some passerbys pausing and sneaking in our lame commotion. but i didn't drop my ground. i remained silent and eyes directly staring at him. honestly, i was already thinking about more racist things inside my head, like i never thought your mind was more close than your eyes and etc. but i knew for a fact that i would not stoop down to his racist-ass level.
finally, he paused and before he could even open his mouth, i immediately owned the opportunity,
i even remember making a step forward and told him,
"from the way you reacted, mister, this would just prove to yourself and the rest of those who have heard that you are a hundred times worst than what you have foolishly said."
then i gracefully turned my back away from him and calmly walk away. i don't know if he just had difficulties understanding what i've said or did not at all. but he didn't actually chase me, as i have feared it to be.

i was already inside the train when everything began to sink in. it was a total disbelief for me, that i actualkly did that. considering i am not really the war freak or confrontational type of a guy.on the other hand, i knew from the moment he sounded racist, that iwas a major petpeeve that i wouldn't allow to pass.
i really felt good after the incident. i felt as if i have won the most victorious battle of my life: teaching someone that the foulest being is the one who throw foul things against other beings.

poor country. poor people. poor me.

a friend once told me that "here in the philippines, if you know how to drive you'll be alive! (ehem! it doesn't contain the exact words, its just that i find it cool if i'll make a rhyme out of it)". simply because if you know how to drive, you can always be a jeepney driver, taxi driver, tricycle driver, trucker and all of the "ER" that you could think of. no wonder the traffic in manila looks like the human digestive system.
so the next time, you'll ask yourself, how the philippines' poverty level is doing? just try climbing the roof deck of a building and try looking at edsa. if there will be a day that the ratio of private vehicles will be higher, even by a single digit, than the public ones, shoot it! then forward it to me and we will celebrate! i would even personally visit the president and hang her a necklace of everlasting and sampaguita with anthurium as the pendant for a job very well done.
back to what my friend said, i really never doubted the ingenuity and resourcefulness of somebody who is being digested by his own stomach, especially the filipinos. but i told him, its not always the case. imagine: with the rise of the oil price in both the national and international markets, not to mention the boundary that they have to save before these drivers could realize there job's worth, there's no telling if they'll be able to stir the wheel by the next day.
i always admire drivers especially those who drive taxis. i remember when i was in my first year here in manila. my shift starts around four in the morning. since katipunan avenue is so exclusive that it just have one jeepney route that passes from UP Diliman to Katipunan and vice versa (and its not even 24 hours), i would always ride a cab to go to tomas morato for work.
i noticed that there was no day that i've rode a cab with a driver either smoking, has puffy eyes and just woke up, or with a bottle of extrajoss on hand. but what was really surprising about this folks, is the fact that they actually drive their cab for one whole day, as in 24 hours straight. ofcourse, they can sleep during their shift. but if you're a cab driver always thinking of how many hours and oil left in your shift, you'll always think of the rides/income that you'll miss if you're going to take a rest. tendecy: they push theirselves to their limits!
probably, these are the reasons why i always make sure that there is always a P10 tip aside from the round offs that taxi drivers ask. left hand down the floor. while my right is doing my highest salute!



so please, manong taxi driver, through this post i wrote in your behalf, kindly return back the envelope i left in your cab. it holds their the realization of my life. sad because i also forgot to check your plate number because i am so drunk that night. i just hpe that you are also blogging and reading this!

poor people. poor country. poor me.