why i chose to draw with pens

on a supposed to be busy monday, i saw myself just staring blankly at my desk. i hear my phone endlessly ringing, people chattering, and my email profusely alarming.

its a bit odd for someone as visual as me to actually notice these. so i tried plunging on the difference. i  put my headset and played a cynthia alexander album on.

comfort in your strangeness. perfect!

***

i randomly reached a pen and started scribbling. funny how the lines and strokes fell on their places. how it decides its own length, how it figure out where to curve and how it weaved itself with the rest of the other lines.

eventually, the randomness turned its back from absence.

***

who can tell if they were really supposed to be there? who can say if they should be thin or thick? black or of a different color? or if its good or bad.

"why don't you use a pencil?" a friend wondered while he was staring at how i drew one boring afternoon.

"i guess, i am just more comfortable using pens," i answered.

"e, what if you made a mistake?"

"then i own it."

he startled.

"you take the mistake and make something out of it, that is the beauty of being imperfect. you just have to be brave enough not to hesitate because the moment you do, you will never know what is up ahead. and i guess, in this life, regret is the only thing worst than being selfish."

***
and for that, thank you for making me draw again.

compilations: 15 gloomiest entries

15. on thinking and moving (please click the title for the actual post)

solitary, color pen and paper

02/08/08

the face that i wore for each day i struggled to see you--- i never lose myself to desperation.

14. saan nagwawakas ang mga tula?

"freedom"

ink & paper

012308

sa alaala,

doon ka nagsimula

isang buwan, isang linggo

at tatlong araw

ang gunita mo'y patuloy na umaalingangaw

13. randomness

"in the eyes of a stalker"

ms paint

12/18/2006

moving on is not a matter of forgetting, rather its the process of coming up with simple acceptance and empty memories.

12. black saturday

caution

ink and paper

september 2009

they talked a lot of things along the way, probably the lengthiest conversation they had for the day. they talked about work, family, taking responsibilities and materializing dreams. for a moment, K felt that they are no longer kids anymore. but what made him moved was the fact that they never really talked about the past, their experiences before, or what was between them--- exactly a decade ago, on one of those humid summer nights, when their raging confusions rushed and engulfed them.

if K can only wish life to be seen in both perspectives just like in the movies.

K bet it will make living a little less complicated.

if only...

11. deeper mark

chasing time

ink and paper

october 2009

it was that night ,

when i thought that the silence between us will be clearer

but when you stood up from bed the next day,

without looking back,

i then realized that it was still a dream that i kept on believing at

10. after the ribbon cutting

outside this building

ink and paper

05/24/2009

minsan, hindi mahalaga kung sino ang taong nananakit sa atin, ang mas importante ay kung bakit natin hinahayaang masaktan tayo.

9. open letter: why is love not enough?

latak

paper and color pencil

041408

sometimes, even the stars in a clear moonless night is not enough to cradle you to sleep. neither a kiss nor a hug would assure you of tomorrow. for even the most genuine romance falls short to spell out certainty.

8. promises(?)

paglalakbay

(the journey)

ink & paper

111808

we hammer promises with our imperfections, we break them into pieces because of our shortcomings. but at the end, its our own guilt that eats us.

7. the ending

"blue and happy"

oil on canvas with etching

16"x24"

june 20, 2007

minsan tuloy naisip ko, sa ganitong buhay hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mas dapat, ang maging malandi pero panandalian o maging matino pero iniiwan?

6. silence: an open letter

"been there, done that"

8"x 11.5"

crayon etching

january 15, 2008

probably, this what makes it special. what makes everything unpredictable, a treasure. and why most people are also scared to take the risk. for its strips you off of all your hesitations to a point where you feel you're already bare and vulnerable. then you tend to cover yourself with what have been its remains. endlessly thinking that either you're giving in to much or you're offering nothing at all. but at the end of it, its funny for we still are hopefuls.

5. two things i realized today...

" fantasya"

ms paint

010207

last night i dreamed of you--- again

then i suddenly realized that

you will always be the memory

that i will perpetually fall in love with...

until the day the apparition of the prophecy

stands in front of me.

4. peter pan's shadow

at the end, ink & paper, february 2008

no one really said that being young assures us of not getting hurt. in fact, it is actually on that condition that leave us most vulnerable. hence, never be scared of falling because it is on that dive where the real life starts.

3. moving out from betweens: an open letter

ugnayan

(relation)

etching

09/15/2008

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

2. moving out from betweens: an open letter

underneath the bed

ink and paper

06/28/2009

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

1. clairvoyance

for those who have hold their silence forever

ink and paper

01/07

its funny how the place reminded me of J so much. though i dont remember us being here before. the place was deserted. there were a pair of bowing angels made in cold concrete, tainted broken glass panes, and an empty bench under a weeping tree.

randomness

i remember when i was small, i used to kill boredom and forget all my childish problems by drawing small stick figures on each side pages of my book or notebook. then slowly flipped and released each page and watch as my little stick figures move from one place to another. it amazes me how that 30seconder felt like time flew; like everything moves and falls the way i want them be. like for a moment, they're gone.

during that time, while kids, my age, dwell upon tv cartoons and fairy tales, i chose to create and escape through my drawings, which i guess, i have carried until now. obviously, it didn't solve anything. but in a way, it cleared my cluttered thoughts.

the past days have been tiring and exhausting. a number of things happened. i have been busy finishing some dues for my classes while straightening some other businesses on the side. some were successful, while some were just too frustrating to be solved. and it bothers me how frustrations can sometimes be so paralyzing. it leaves your body with nothing to do but makes your brain work 'til it dries.

last night, i rode a bus in makati going to fairview, and fell asleep out of exhaustion. when i woke up, the bus was still running along commonwealth avenue. but then i noticed that i was the only passenger inside. in a second, i felt very confused. even thought that probably i am still dreaming. but it was to vivid to be a dream. too lonely to be surreal.

then, i figured,



aaahhhhh...


probably, its the february breeze coming. hahaha!

ang emoterong paper crane

naging super busy lately. pero striving to catch up.

for now, i want to dedicate this animation that i did for a good friend, xall pierce as promised.



a.k.a. ang emoterang paper crane. hahaha! ang talambuhay mo ang inspirasyon ng animation na ito. nyahahaha!

ang paghahanap:a visual novel project

minsan, mas mahalaga ang sagot

sa tanong na paano kesa sa kelan.

chasing time

ink and paper

october 2009

...at maging sa sino kesa sa saan.

caution

ink and paper

september 2009

sabi ng isang kaibigan:

na-try ko na yata halos lahat ng klase ng relasyon, ang hindi ko na lang nasusubukan ay yung relasyong magtatagal...

panalo! hahaha!

kapag lahat gusto maging bida

at the end, ink and paper, february 2008

ganito ata nga talaga sa maynila, magastos ang magkaroon ng kaibigan, lalo na nang makakausap

...nang nakikinig na kausap.

naniniwala ako na ang ugat ng lahat ng problema ng tao ay ang kawalan natin ng inisyatib na makinig. gusto natin lagi tayong pinakikinggan. gusto natin lagi tayo ang bida. feeling natin, tayo lang ang may problema, na mas mabigat ang ating problema. kaya siguro walang nagkakaintindihan. kasi lahat gusto magsalita. kasi lahat gustong mapakinggan. subalit hindi naman handang makinig.

minsan, naalala ko ang dati kong trainor. sabi niya, with his napakaarteng american accent. there is a big difference between hearing and listening. nang tinanong namin kung ano, its for us to find out daw.
dahil mahina ako sa ingles, trinanslate ko sa isip ko. saka ko nagets. malaki nga naman talaga ang kinaibahan ng naririnig sa nakikinig, di ba?

pansinin mo, kapag magkikita-kita kayong magkakaibigan, alamin mo kung sino ang tahimik na nakikinig lang. yung tipong hinding-hindi siya magbubutt-in kapag may taong nagsasalita. yung hahayaan niyang matapos ka sa gusto mong sabihin. panigurado kapag hiningi mo ang payo niya tungkol sa problema mo, siya lang ang makapagbibigay sa iyo ng pinakamaganda at desenteng sagot. kasi siya lang naman talaga ang nakinig sa iyo.
hay, naisip ko, ang mahal na nga magkaroon ng kaibigan dito. hindi mo pa alam kung makikinig pa siya sa iyo.

ang hirap talaga kapag lahat gustong maging bida.

the nostalgic difference

papaano kung sasabihin ko sa inyong ako yang nasa ibaba?

na ako pala ay isang cross dresser?

na i am a loud and proud gay cross dresser who just want to have fun,


may magbabago ba?

98% ang titingin sa avatar ko sa kaliwa at ikukumpara ang picture sa itaas.

94% ang magsasabi ng "owwwwssss?"

89% ang magsasabi ng "talaga?"

85% ang magsasabi ng "ayyyyy...sayang naman."

83% ang magsasabing, "okay lang, wala naman magbabago."

pero, 62% sa mga ito ay maaring nagsisinungaling.

50% ang maninindigang open minded sila at tanggap nila homosexuality.

subalit, 42% sa kanila ang ilag naman makisalamuha o makatabi ng bakla o lesbiana.

40% ang magsasabing, "masyado kasi silang 'loud'."

samantalang 38% masyadong kasing obvious in public, takaw-biro-at-pito-ng-mga-tambay sa kanto at tampulan katatawanan.

30% ang takot dahil baka ma-sexually harrass sila,

habang 11% ang natatakot baka maassociate sila bilang karelasyon,

at 9% ang natatakot baka pagkamalan din silang kafederasyon.

minsan, hindi sapat ang sabihin mo'ng tanggap mo sila. sa simpleng kadahilanang malaki ang pagkakaiba ng salitang 'accepted' sa 'tolerated'

at

'tanggap' sa 'okay lang, basta wag lang nila ako'ng lalapitan' .

o pwede rin naman nag assume na naman ako at gumagawa ng kwento.

katulad ng pagganap ko bilang isang drag queen sa play na ito sa baguio, 3 years ago.

at the end of the day, you'll know that i am not a cross dresser. pero i wouldn't mind being one. hehehe!

actually, bigla ko lang ito naalala. tapos kung ano-ano na naman ang naiisip ko.

isang masagana at bonggang bonggang bong bong na bagong taon sa inyo!

ang paglalakbay

ang paglalakbay

ink and paper

11/18/2008

*huli man daw at magaling, huli pa rin.

to be sexual is to be political

boy meets girl, girl swings to girl, girl meets girl, girl swings to boy and boy swings to boy, then boy meets boy and who knows who else or how many more characters will be in this set up we call relationships.

source

relationships nowadays, are quite complicated from the one that our parents or grandparents had, or even more way different from what our ancestors knew about.

although, these non-conventional forms of relationships would have probably been present before, because of lack of knowledge about it, some have decided to conceal it from the ignorant mind of the public, especially since the word relationship is either tagged with love or the generally considered tabboo word, sex. nonetheless, it is a given fact that human relationships just like any elements of human societies evolve as men approach modernity.

modernity is an endless operative term for a society's survival. its main purpose is to clear ignorance and promote change. on the other hand, not all social changes just happen in an instant. for we have religion to censor, check and balance it with our established morals. religion is basically the product of human faith and at the same time the protector of established traditions, norms, mores and beliefs.

now, the question is, what happens when all these three elements deal with a particular social change?

probably, the best example to picture this out is the ongoing debate regarding the passage of the reproductive health bill in the congress. the pros of the bill say that this will help us in controling population explosion, in which also has a direct effect to what the nation is experiencing regarding poverty crisis. in addition, the proponents of the said bill are also alarmed about the growing number of infants, women and minors who dies and vulnerable against the threats of unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

while the cons of the bill contest it, because they claim that passing the bill will run over the nation's strong foundation of morality particularly within the christian faith: that it goes beyond the natural process of life.

well. i would no longer hide my stand behind my words, for my say into this topic would have probably been more pungent than any scent by now. i believe that there is no other time, place nor way to pass this bill than today.

who can blame me?

source

everyday, as i pass every single street here in manila, there is no instance that i didn't see a single street kid begging for alms. its just heart crushing to wonder where they're parents are or how they struggle to live the next day. these children are scattered all over the metro: in the stairs of the mrt station, in front of your building, beside your house, near your school and even infront of your face either blowing and inhaling solvent in a plastic bag or scavenging for left over food infront of a fastfood chain. aside from the fact that these scenes are just in metro manila alone.

i asked myself before, how come poor couples still keep on producing kids eventhough they know that they are not capable of supporting them financially, at the very least? someone then told me that it is because of lack of jobs. these people just make themselves productive with their partners. while others live within the belief that the more number of children one have the more chances of the parents to achieve a well off life. quite logical right? and i actually lived within those answer up until earlier.

i received an email from my thesis adviser regarding an online petition for the passage of the reproductive health bill. after running along the bill, i realized that it is not really the lack of things to do that drives these people to bear more and more children nor the raffle-like belief of most of us, that the more children (entries), the more chances of winning, rather it is the lack of information and available options for them to plan their family.

i believe that, like what the bible teaches us, freewill should always be observed and respected. in addition, it should also be provided with the complete and necessary options. one should be informed and educated about his/her options and not to be constrained with what other people/ institutions think as right or wrong. human beings deserve more than that, regardless what you're religious affiliation is.

the bill is all encompassing. it doesn't only tackle the issue of couples planning their family. but also the growing concerns regarding premarital, juvenile and homosexual sex cases anchored (only) upon the rising cases of sexually transmitted diseases, abortion and what have you.
the presence of such concepts are clear manifestations that there are already "morality" cracks in the very foundation that the church is protecting even without the passing of the said bill. this is a fact that all of us need to own and recognize. we should also remember that a bill is created in response to the call of its very society and at the same time a reflection of its very situations and needs. nonetheless, i am not blaming anyone because of this outcome. since this is a shared responsibility of everyone. with the various venues and media that modernity offer us, it is really difficult to cope up and take actions to balance things out. but i believe that providing options such as the proposals of the said bill gives as a good battling chance in achieving this.

lastly, everyone should understand that promoting the bill don't necessarily mean that it is promoting rampant and anarcheic view toward sex. in fact, i believe that it equips and develops us, people toward the necessary knowledge, responsibility and tools to cope up with the concept of sex, plain and simple.

probably, what i am really driving at is, changes are inevitable since it promises growth ofr everyone. but not all changes are necessary thus we need to sort it out and there is no better way to attack it than to have an open mind instead of a dogmatic one.
if you share the same sentiments. please free to attach your digital signature to this website. the organization is aiming to gather on emillion signatures to show the congress the wide support for the bill's passage.

http://www.PetitionOnline.com/rhan2008/petition.html

to define hiatus is to define one's self

ewik defines hiatus as a momentary absence from one's social activities and/or responsibilities. despite the presence of means to accomplish it, for the purpose of fulfilling one's self.

ugnayan. etching. 09/15/2008

i immediately went off from office and hailed a cab to cubao. even the weight of my bag didn't slow me down in reaching the bus station in cubao before it hits 6. the excitement of getting there in the soonest possible time became my extra joss against work exhaustion and lack of sleep and for some reason, also made the cab to take a 30 minute trip to less than 20.
when the bus went off to baguio, i had the hardest time of catching sleep. literally because, the only things in my mind were where to go first, who to meet and what to do for my entire stay there. i promised myself that i need to maximize my two days rest before i go back to manila again. but eventually i was able to take a short nap.
we were already at the bus stop in sison when i woke up. when the bus went off again for the remaining hour and a half, i couldn't put myself to sleep again. there was this unexplanable feeling in me when i felt the bus' inertia pushing and pulling me on my seat. i knew we were already in marcos highway. any moment now, i am already back in baguio.

the moment i stepped off the bus, the first thing i have appreciated was the mysterious effect of the highland fog. in such way, like when i first went here during my freshman year.
i took another cab and headed to my first destination, up baguio, to meet some friends. the first thing i noticed inside the cab was the road routes were not like before. the taxi driver informed me that the city government is actually experimenting this scheme to minimize traffic volume.

at the back of my head, i said, "baguio is really beginning to be overcrowded."
one thing i love and miss in baguio is the taxis. taxi drivers here literally give back your change up to the last 25 cents. although the additional 10 peso from the actual metered fare policy is also being implemented here, i can say that it is still more convenient to ride one here than in manila. the flag down rate is 25php and 1.50php for every additional 200 meters and aside from the fact that drivers here are more courteous, friendly and good-looking (unfortunately, i failed to take a shot as a proof of evidence).
when i arrived in up baguio, the place was almost entirely different from it used to be. there were a lot of new buildings and new faces, that made me realized what my age really is. there were also new POLICIES! like no SMOKING! honestly, this surprised me. since smoking before was one of those things that other universities envy us. but oh well, the university seems to be really serious when it comes to environment advocacies. well, who is not? everyone nowadays, is really into the green movement. no problem with that. but the ironic thing was, the vacant land which is owned and infront of the campus, is being planned to have a condominium be built.

anyhow, i immediately went to our beloved tambayan, hoping that some old friends were around. but when i went there, i just saw a bunch of new faces. so i then introduced myself as this and that and as expected the welcome was ridiculously funny but warm. later on, old friends started to appear and i was really overwhelmed with their kisses, hugs and "kamustahans'."
for a moment, i thought i was still in college talking and having the time of my life with them. but time is harsh whenever you are having it great. it is treacherous: it flies swiftly when you are enjoying it and can also be slower than mollasses if you are not. by the time, they told me they have to go their respective classes those are the moments that made me realize that i am no longer in college and i need to move on.

good thing i saw my crush the next day. Y still wearing that same silent and well-defined face, gave a warm nod at me. i responded with a quick smile. although i was exploding with joy deep inside.
we never really had the chance to talk and know each other before. all i know is, Y is a good musician and always aloof with everyone (thats my biggest turn on). but never fails to surprise everybody with that senseful and authoritative voice. a person with few words, as they say. unfortunately, i have heard that Y is already with a friend.

tsk! well, my line, mas madaling huliin ang manok kapag nakatali (it is easier to catch a chicken if it is tied---whatta translation?!), would not apply since we are talking with a friend here. nonetheless, i made sure that this trip would not end without me having to know Y. so i have decided to invite them for a drink. an invitation that they were forced to accept since its not everyday that they see me.
after watching a school activity we headed to engineer's hill. my first home here in baguio and to most up baguio students as well. its like the up village here. probably this is the only place in the city that didn't change drastically except for some drinking pubs and karenderya that were not there before.
we went to one of this beer bars, kanem, if i remember it right and immediately ordered bottles of beer. the place was full of familiar faces from school. well, drinking in a school night here in baguio is considered as a must. no wonder i have this kind of a belly.
later on, the beer already made us loose. eventually X, the friend who is with Y, opened up regarding their relationship while waiting for Y to arrive. basically, X told us the usual things like we seldom quarrel, the insecurities and what not. but i was surprised when X confessed to us they already broke up. i was aghast, if i may use the word. i feel sorry for X. but a great part of the pie is jumping in excitement because of the news. then Y arrived and later on confirmed about the news. so it was like double excitement. but i just decided to remain silent and pretended that i am not really affected.
well, both of them knew that i have a crush on Y. but its not really a big thing for them. few more of bottles and everybody were already quite tipsy. they were forcing me to extend my trip. but i refused and explained to them that i really need to go to work the next day. i beg them not to force me anymore because the majority of my decision gauge was to not leaving. honestly, i was scared. scared that if i will not leave tomorrow, i might stay there for good and leave everything i left here in manila. but i thought making a major turning point of your life over bottles of beer is almost the same thing as commiting suicide over a busted moment with your crush.
as the night went on, everyone seemed to be busy with their own world and bottle. then Y approached me and asked me about something i already forgot and eventually that question led to a conversation. Y even confessed to me that he already knew about "it" and from the looks of it, i could tell that Y is already tipsy.
then, out of the circumstance, i saw myself asking Y, "sabi ko naman sa iyo, sagutin mo lang ako, hindi na ako bababa ng manila e." then i thought, that was so college!!!

Y still trying to cope up with the conscious world then became speechless. i don't know if it was the beer or the things that i have just said that made Y blushed. good thing i am a good actor with the right timing, the question could be treated as either a serious offer or a joke. but Y remained silent and went for another gulp. so we have decided to drop the topic.
later on my friends, started to convince me again top extend my stay which again resisted. then Y asked, "sa bahay ka na lang matulog, kuya ewik." now, i was the one who became speechless. i wanted to bite the offer but Y is still living with X and i thought that it could be really ackward to stay there after everything that i have heard. so i took my bottle, bottomed it up and decided to call it a night.
the next day, i was already in the bus on my way to manila, still convincing myself that its over. everything was like a dream. but the depressing part was you knew that you were about to wake up and you just stay there and wait until your eyes open up: and that makes the dream more of a nightmare.
indeed, i have had a great time going and staying in baguio. for me, i considered it as my real home from the rest that i have lived in: manila, bicol and tarlac. and if ever i'll be able to settle down with my life i would definitely go back to baguio and settle there. unfortunately, i failed to foresee the part where i have to go back to manila because i was preoccupied about things when i was going to baguio. and now, i have to bear with it.
now, i am back to manila, back to the same routine. but definitely changed. for i have a new thing to look forward to and that is another hiatus. hehehe.

dreality

i was never fond of sleeping until recently.


whenever i had more than 7 hours of sleep, expect that i will be in a very bad mood. probably because i feel that i have passed so many things by the time i wake up. i haven't outgrown this feeling yet that started when i was still a little kid.
do you remember when we you were little that your parents will force you to take your after lunch siesta? that if you don't take it, pretend that you were sleeping the whole time, or just slept for less than an hour, you will not be allowed to play outside in the afternoon or have a tasty merienda?


i believe that this is a common childhood picture for all of us. our parents have this belief that sleeping after lunch makes a child grow tall and smart. well, i think that is true basing from what i am now (hehehe). but there was this one picture of it that i still haven't forgoten and clearly remembered. one day, i arrived in our home from school and immediately went to my room and took my siesta so that i'll be able to play text cards with my friends afterwards. but when i woke up, it was already about to get dark. when i look at the window, the sun was setting and painted the whole sky with a warm color of orange over dim dark scattered clouds. the picture was extremely depressing, if you'll ask me.


when i got out of my room, there was no one inside the house. my entire family went to the mall to dine in. i latter discovered that they have decided not to bother to wake me up anymore since i was sound asleep. then i went outside. the streets were already empty too. my friends who i were supposed to play with already went home since it was already dark. i felt very very lonely that, time that i don't know of any other way to defend myself from that feeling.

solitary. color pen and paper. 02/08/08

ever since that day, i developed a fear of experiencing the same feeling. thus, i would skip siesta, pretend that i was sleeping the entire time (because of this i actually learned the technique on how to make your eyelid still when you are acting that you are asleep) or make sure that i'll be the first one to wake up from the rest of my siblings. sleeping eventually became the least thing i would do and spend my time with.
but these past days, i am starting to sleep more than i usually do. i sleep for around 5 hours in a regular day. i considered it decadence already if i'll be able to complete it. during hectic days, 3 hour of sleep is already enough just for me to be able to replenish myself. but these past days, i was surprised when i realized that i am starting to get more than 7 hours of sleep. i also noticed that my dreams were beginning to be more vivid and even remember them when i wake up, which rarely happens.

the incident led me to the possibility that thinking too much these past days might be connected to the sudden change of my sleeping pattern.

yes, i am thinking too much again. there are too many things running inside my head that i could not even catch one and elaborate in this post. but what i could tell though is that a big part of the pie is more with regard to my personal frustrations.

i just recently took another leave from law school. it seemed like the load that i have for this semester was heavier than i have expected. it was even way heavier than the load that i got when i was in my freshman year, where i was able to juggle it with work. even dropping some subjects was not an option for me as of the moment, since i was a cross enrolled probee. so i decided to take another leave to save my grades and credentials. but in effect, being idle with the routine that i have, were hitting me big time. my frustrations are returning back again and they are driving me crazier this time.

i want to quit my job again. i want to start a new career. but i am scared that i might fall into another mediocre profession or be a bummer too long.

the other day, i even went to up diliman and filed for an application, i am considering taking a MA for the time being. for i thought that it seemed like my leave for law school will be longer this time. i don't know! i am just confused that i could not even think up straight. i have plans but i don't know how to patch them with my work, my goals and those yadadas.
it is so confusing and frustrating that i can't even talk about it to my friends or even to anyone anymore. and whenever i am conscious, i just can't stop myself from thinking about it. i tried looking for various venues where i could channel it. a form of escapism for some.

then i discovered the solace of sleeping. i noticed that, regardless how mushy this could be, i find peace of mind in this state. the only place where i don't have to think nor confront all of it. it even gave me answers, that in a moment, i thought was real. until i woke up and realized that it was just another dream.

each dream is actually liberating. here, it seemed like all of my frustrations are answered. although unreal, i still tend to believe in it. but once i wake up, i push myself back to sleep again. hoping that the dream will continue by its own. but most of the time, it doesn't. so i am forced to accept reality once more.

let me end this post, with a line in a movie that i have just recently watched. it basically says, "all of us live to make our dreams in reality. but what if those dreams already become one, but we didn't notice it because were so use of living with it that way, will we be able to realize the difference between the two at the end?"



*welcome to the club, guys. feel free to register. hehe.

when even trust and maturity fails

past sleep rejoice, ink and paper, 05/05/2008

is there something going on that i was not informed? how come i have a growing list of friends informing me that they have love problems? is it because of the summer heatwave? is it because i am bum? or is it because breakups are in trend?
now, i am beginning to believe that i was indeed a sponge in my past life.
although i am not complaining, don't get me wrong. its just that how come i don't have something like this to tackle about. hahaha!
i was shocked when i read a multiply post of a close friend living abroad. then there was a picture that basically gave me the gist of what was happening about her. but it was just yesterday, when we chatted that she explained to me what was going on. she is thinking of breaking up her boyfriend for more than two years. i was seriously affected because in a way i saw how she grew up with him. how she became more mature not only in the aspect of love, but how she views life even more. they even became my inspiration when it comes to relationship.
i asked if it was because of somebody.
she answered, not really. but in a way the guy she just recently met, confirmed her the growing doubts she has about her boyfirend or atleast the relationship they have. she told me that she thinks that everything between them is entirely different now. seriously, i got more depress than what i thought i could be upon hearing this.
then i thought, is it because the idea that they don't see or feel each other that weakened the bond of their relationship? is it because of the inevitably of meeting someone else along the way? or is it always a matter what is at present? is it simply a matter or loneliness? or probably i am just speculating so many things without really understanding the real deal.
i have been in a long distance relationship when i was in college. but the kind that i have back then was something different. because we never really have any commitments with my "partner." so i really don't have the idea about the pain, the considerations and the doubts one has to invest in such relationship.

now, i just felt bad of what i missed. it left me speechless and dumbdead when a friend needed my say about it.
i always have silence to answer whenever i am asked what i think about long distance relationships. because for me, nobody could really tell if indeed such is possible or not. probably the least i could answer, like most people would say, it would basically depend on the people involved: their trust to one another and the maturity they have.
but after hearing what my friend has to say, i realized it is not always the case. trust lacks because it needs more than assurance to be sustained. while maturity fails because it doesn't only consider one context. and if love is already complicated then the idea of long distance realtionship complicates it more.
the entire thing made me restless last night.
but then i thought, if there is one thing i am confident that i have shared to my friend, that would be assuring herself that whatever she takes just always make sure it is a win-win situation. and no matter how selfish it looks, as long as it would make her happy, do it. because everything would just return back to her for she is the only one who lives her life, afterall.

the kuya instinct

latak, paper and color pencil, 041408

last night, i met my sister for dinner in gate way to celebrate her recognition day.

two days from now, she will march her way out of college and get her degree in physical therapy at up manila. well i just can't wait to welcome her in the world of un(der) employed.

i was almost half way there, when my sister informed me that she will be with somebody. then i thought of her best friend from mindanao which is always with her whenever she goes out. although i've met her best friend for quite sometime, i am still not really comfortable meeting with her or my sister's friends. probably because i am really having hard time reaching out to people who i really don't know--- personally. nonetheless, it was my sister's night, so i just have to bear with it.

then, my sister told me it was not her best friend rather her boy friend.

i was shock. it was mix emotions.

probably because it was my first time to hear from a sibling that she is already in a relationship and being the eldest in the breed of four, its something really unexplainable. this is the the time where your blood rushes to your head and floods your rationality.

i know, it is inevitable. because sooner or later my siblings will have the family of their own. i also want to see them happily married and with children of their own. but this came unexpectedly. (although love indeed, comes unexpectedly...ewww, cheesy! BANG!)

probably this is what they call the kuya instinct, where you tend to be very protective with your younger siblings. this is the time, when you see every man as a cunning wolf waiting to attack you're vulnerable baby sister: and the state, where you don't have anything to think of than to hit every being that would approach her.

my imagination that time was so concrete and morbid. as if you are watcing a quentin tarantino or an eli roth's film. i have the urge to see somebody being beaten up to death. but without blood of course, since i am hemaphobic. i want the word "torture him" to be embarked on that man's forehead. i want to see him drying his tear ducts out and begging to stop. oh, the sound of him screaming at the top of his voice was a delight to my ear drums.

then, there they were. my sister smiling back at me as if nothing really big is happening. then she reached another person's hand (WHATTA!!! THEY"RE HOLDING HANDS!!!). she introduced me to her boyfriend, calvin.

calvin was short, dark and typically looking. at first glance. you'll know that he was the silent and shy type. i am probably almost a foot taller than him and i can just feel the power gathering inside my forefinger where i could just flick him and the impact will just fly him wherever the hell he came from.

he offered me his hand. the initial thinking was: crush it! crush it! but i gently reached it, gave him a type of smile that you can buy in a hobby shop and introduced myself.

then i went back to my sister and gave her something. i just told her my congratulations and excuse myself because i'll be needing to meet someone. from the tone of my voice, she already knew what i meant---it was something urgent. oh! i am such a good actor.

but i promised her that i'll be at her graduation and make it up there. i waived my goodbye to her and to calvin. he asked why i am not coming. my alter ego wanted to shout back: the hell you care! but i told him that i need to go somewhere else.

while i was my way home, i felt that it was indeed a weird experience. the feeling, the thoughts flying in my mind, everything.

then i thought is it really the kuya instinct that is making me feel this? or is it the fact, that i am just envious that my sister currently has one while i don't? hahaha.

well. whatever that be, i still think that it is something worth to post.

bayanihan

how far more?

02/20/2008

i remember during our sibika class way back in elementary, my favorite teacher, miss santillan, discussed to us how filipinos are unique from other societies. she said with her mellow well toned voice, that filipinos are hospitable (no wonder, we were so easily colonized), respectful because of the use of "po", "opo", "ate", "kuya" etc. (that is why most of us are afraid to express our opinions), god-fearing (we believed there is salvation for all of our hard times) and very helpful to our fellows which is portrayed with what was known as bayanihan.
it just came to me earlier the word, bayanihan. its been a while since i've heard of the word. basically, we imagine a group of people carrying a nipa hut whenever we heard of it. but come to think of it, we're you able to see an actual bayanihan before? because i really never had the chance.
i came up with the picture of bayanihan from movies, television shows and paintings mostly of galang's. as far as i could remember, the practice is usually done among families who need to relocate their house form one location to another. the people who participate it are usually friends and neighbors of the respondent family. they would cooperatively carry and move the house to its destination. after which, no compensation is expected in return. sometimes, the family would just offer food and drinks to the participant as a sign of gratitude.
but not in one chance that i was able to see an actual one. i even remembered before whenever we go to the province of my mom, i always asked if there would be bayanihan that would pass my grandmom's house. my uncle usually tell us that it is seldom happens during those days. because most of the houses in the barrio were already in concrete. there are only a few people left who prefers having nipa huts and most of them lives in the middle of the ricefields. ever since then, i lose hope of seeing an actual one.
i just realized, how does teachers or parents, nowadays discussed bayanihan to the younger ones without them actually witnessing it on their everyday life? is bayanihan only already a part of history and could only be seen among history books?
ofcourse, the absense of bayanihan would not mean that filipinos are no longer helpful. i think being helpful is innate among filipinos because our culture and traditions reared us to be one (bragging aside). but i just noticed that most of the time, people will either help and expect a compensation in return, would not help unless asked or would not help at all.
basically, the reason why i came up with this topic is because of what happened earlier. while thinking of something to post with inside a jeepny, a woman was trying to pass her fare to two passengers who were infront of each other next to her. the woman was struggling to hang her arms to reach the next person and saying 'bayad po! bayad po!" but the two people: a boy and a girl, pretended as if they were not hearing and seeing anything. they were expecting the next person to them to reach it instead. but what was really annoying about this two people was, the girl turned her back on the old woman and stared blankly outside the window. while the man pretended to be sleeping. i really can';t believe that was happening. i even thought that i was in wow mali or noypi and throwing a big joke on me that time. i was really anticipating that any moment somebody will just knocked me and spill the spoof. but nobody did.
i slid my butt against the bench and made the initiative to reach for the fare eventhough i was sitting on the other end. i checked out the girl and the man. but they are still on their act of ignoring the other passenger of the jeep. i was really on the verge of kicking them out, i swear.
for me, riding a jeep is like our modern version of bayanihan. you help each one for you to be able to reach your destination. if you don't want to cooperate then its better you stepped out of the vehicle and get yourself a cab so that no one will bother and asked you to pass the fare. it just give me the temper.

faded depressions

solitary

02/08/2008

color pen and paper

i was so faded last night, not because of the fair but because of somewhere else. after sandy asked a very big favor from me, which i really mean big (but not as big as brian though), we went to tomato kick a nearby pub in up village to get some drinks. brian and sandy just decided to get a bottle. while i got more. nothing as usual. i just wanted to get tipsy because i am having hard time of sleeping these past days. but it seemed like i exceeded my limits and still having the hang of it as i walked into work earlier.

anyhow, we were the chill type crowd, not really the party people type. normally, a couch, a bucket of beer, some finger food and lots of talk are basically the main ingredients of a blasting night for us. some might call us boring. but i really like the conversations we have and i find it more productive. although i must admit, we also dance thats if worst comes to worst especially if we are already drunk. go figure.

one of the highlights of our conversation was depression. along with it, it actually surprised me how depression attacks people all of a sudden. not because i never felt it but because of the intensity of its effects and how it varries to each individual. there are moments in which you feel very happy and then in a snap you'll just find yourself silent and depressed. the absurd thing is that most of the time, you wouldn't really know where is it coming from and this makes you more depress.

i know friends and relatives who actually seeked psychological help and medication because of severe depression, the type in which its actually affecting their everyday life and even their relationships to others. I know that going to a psychologist nowadays are just normal. but i find it quite rare especially in the philippines.

what i noticed about most people is that they tend to exaggerate depression. i believe that depression is normal and natural. it is basically essential for us to value and appreciate happiness more. but aside from the clinical depression type, i find most people actually exagerrating it. usually, there are people who tend to over analyze the reasons of their depression by adding up and branching out other non-related burdens. while some would actually create their own problems just to feel depress without formulating a way to resolve it internally. these are things that i really don't understand. probably, indeed, we find pleasure in hurting ourselves unconsciously. i really don't know.

whenever i feel depress, i tend to attack it alternatively. rather than allowing myself to be engulfed with such emotion. normally, i would grab my sketch pad and draw or go else where and meet my friends. i tend to shy away from the feeling by doing something else especially because i am living alone. but of course, its always a case to case basis.

for most people who suffer this condition, it seemed like they are carrying the entire world's burdens on their shoulder. there would actually be people who have just accepted the fact that there case sould no longer be resolve. some would engage into suicide. while some would isolate themselves from the rest. hopeless at it may seems but i think there are lots of people that has relatively bigger problems than theirs.

i remember a book of cris martinez' titled last order sa penguin, where a girl selling roses confronted one of the main characters of the story. she said, "buti nga kayo ang pinoproblema niyo ay pagkakaroon ng karelasyon. samantalang ako prinoproblema ko kung saan ako hahanap ng kakainin namin para bukas (you're rather fortunate because you are only thinking on how to have a relationship. while me, i am actually thinking where to find food for tomorrow)."

indeed, it struck me how we tend to look the gravity of our problems in a very "petty" way and how we can be so selfish to others. then i realized that for us to be able to experience happiness and surpass our own depressions, we just simply need to learn how to be contended on what we have and share to others whatever is in excess. simple yet ideal. but still its so damn practical.

oh, i just wish i could share to others my hang over. its just too much to bear.

outside this building

working inside a building of a big television network gives you the opportunity to meet different kinds of people. you'll see big personalities, celebrities, working professionals and common individuals who are hoping and striving for an instant better life through chances.

everyday, as early as 2 in the morning, there would already be a long pile of people, sleeping on the cold floor outside and waiting for the gates of respective game shows to open. the thing that was alarming about this was that most of them are old women and children who are struggling the cold of dusk by simply drinking hot drinks that they've brought and sharing a thin sheet of cloth.

you wouldn't imagine how its like falling in line on those piles. everybody are outwitting one another, screaming and engaging to fight cats because everybody claims that they came in first: just to learn that at the end of the day that there weren't able to make it to be a contestant. but this obviously wouldn't stop them from applying again and expect them to be on the next dusk, repeating the same viicious cycle.

there was one time, when i came out of work to buy a cigarette, a man was standing in front of the entrance door holding a wide manila paper that states his dismay for the crew of a local game show, who told him nasty things. the man claims that he crew screamed at him and rubbed into him that he doesn't have any chance to make it to the show even if he kept on applying everyday. he was addressing the letter to the host of the game show. i felt sad looking at the man while he was shouting in tears, requesting the host to go out of the building. no host went out.
one thing i also noticed was that there were a lot of psychologically challenged individuals who were walking around the station.

there is zorro, a vagrant along the vicinity that wears tattered and soiled clothes folded and sewed to form a mask and a cape. usually, he guards parked cars infront of the building and do traffic instructing as well. there is also the torch bearer, a vagrant who wears the same type of clothes. you would see him every morning jogging around the building raising an ice cream cone. there is also the talent scout. compare to the previous ones, she wears the typical clothes. but wears an oddly and thickly applied make up. you would see her roaming around coffee shops introducing herself to have lots of connections inside the network and asking people if they want to be an artist. the funny thing about it is there are still a number of people who would bite her offer.

everyday, new sets of people come, stay and go. sometimes they'll talk to you, ask for directions, borrow you lighter, ask for spare coins for jeepny fare and even touch your life.