silent conversations: how i confronted my best friend after confessing being HIV positive

I guess meeting Y the following day was inevitable.

but i pondered hard how i will manage after learning the status.

what will i do? where do i start? and what will i even ask?

Y and i have probably seen each other in extremely rare occasions after graduation, more than a decade ago (damn, time flies). mostly, during blockmates' weddings, reunions and a spontaneous trip in tagaytay for lunch. but thanks to social media and perhaps our bond, its always as if it was just last week. so we never had any awkward moments when we are together.

"Y!," i exclaimed but Y did not respond. i knew Y  heard me. but somehow Y refused or perhaps did not have the strength to look back.

in a way, I immediately understood Y's dilemma on where to even start. from there, i knew that the pressure of starting the conversation was already on me.

as I approached Y, my head was telling me: lift the conversation up. enter with high energy. strike a joke. make it casual. as much as possible, let Y feel its just another day.

"musta ang malandi?" (how's the flirt?)

WTF.

I swore I saw the sudden change in Y's expression. by that time I am not sure whether or not I offended Y. yes, sometimes I say the most stupid things. but eventually both of us just laughed at it like the old times.

"grabe siya (you are harsh)." Y answered back.

"tara, dinner tayo! (come on, lets have dinner)" I said which Y obliged.

Y remained silent the entire time we were walking towards the restaurant; unmindful of the incoming wave of pedestrians and makati employees rushing home.

with a lowered head, Y was just staring straight right past through the sidewalk. perhaps, hoping to see and pick up anything along the way to at least start a conversation.

when we were in college, Y have always portrayed to be straight, had a number of straight relationships, been a varsity player throughout our college stay, and though Y have a number of gay peers, Y have always preferred to be surrounded with straight friends.

it was only the later part of our senior year, when Y told me that Y is also attracted with the same sex. and if Y did not admit it, i myself may have never knew.

eventually after college, Y discreetly pursued same-sex relationships and managed to remain straight in front of family, friends and even workmates. Y was so good at it that sometimes, i laughed on how clueless people were. so Y was determined to keep it that way even after knowing being HIV positive.

hence, it felt like hell when Y learned about it.

Y still remained silent even when our food arrived,

bothered, i recalled being very restless. nagging Y for confirmation of everything that was running inside my head. until i remembered a smart person once told me, that in order for you to smell the sweetest scent of a flower, you just have to wait for it to bloom.

obviously, i was stupid enough to bombard Y with so many unnecessary questions such as: do you already figure out how you get it? did you have any unprotected sex before? when was the last time you had sex? it pains me even now recalling it.

now, i realize that these questions no longer matter as they dwell from the past and do not promise any positive help for Y in the future. i realize that instead of accepting, I was actually unconsciously judging Y based on my narrowminded stigma i have with the virus.

but eventually, the conversation just naturally kicked in. then i learned that what was important that  moment was just to listen. no cutting, no asking. no anything. as i will never imagine the thought process and courage Y had to take just to say what Y wanted to say. because at the end of the day, the only question that will matter is a question to myself; simply about what I can do now to people like Y who may be needing me the most.

source

after dinner, Y and i went to my place to possibly further discuss about the situation --- or so we thought.

for hours, we spent silent conversations with ourselves without realizing how late it became.

I decided to invite Y to stay over after seeing tears and uncertainties fell over my couch. i thought that it was not the best idea for Y to be alone that night. but Y insisted to go home.

when Y assured me that it will be alright, I walked Y out of the door with heavy steps. funny, how I can still vividly remember the sound of the door when Y closed it shut as if it was telling me something.

then after a few minutes, i suddenly heard hard knocks on my door. i immediately rush downstairs and opened it. it was Y, with teary eyes and breaking voice. 

"I just cannot stop shaking."

intellectualizing sex

L came to a point wherein he just want to fuck around. no expectations. no complications. easy.

source

L meets them up. go somewhere private. no more talking. just undress.

no need for staring; for appreciating. L has no time. he just need to satisfy his urge, which he thinks might be his own curse.  

skip the gestures. no kissing. no hugging.

L goes down. flips. moans. screams. clings. everything he needs to know how.

L turn his back. he cannot know. he cannot remember. L hates why he have to think about this. why does he need to rationalize this?

L feels the grip growing stronger. L moves faster. L loosen up the grip. it hurts. L breath shorter. L chases the rush. he feels the rush. until finally L surrenders and catches a half sigh.

then L stands up and put on his clothes. he opens the door and dashes his way out without turning back. after several steps, he leaned flat on the wall and firmly pressed his hand on his chest.

feeling.

listening.

he was just in time - before the next beat.

confession of a male concubine

i dont know how long we have been lying down that time. all i could remember was the gentle rhythm of your snore and how i patiently followed the shadows in your wall.

i dont know if i have ever told you how i love looking at your window. amazed on how competing sky-rises have missed blocking such a rare urban sight from the inner view of your room: a moon set.

always finding a certain feeling of loneliness when the shadows have finally disappeared. its time for me to go back home.

i recalled the conversations we had last night after i asked you if feelings bother someone alike when it comes to sex.

you answered. it will be stupid for someone to equate sex with love. you have sex just to answer an urge. you fall in love to build something way more lasting, something more secured (i silently laughed at the last word).

i became silent. the answer could definitely put any hoping soul to their respective places and from their i already knew my part.

i pulled my pants up. hoping it will hold without my missing belt on. but it could only last for the next 12 steps before i have to pull it up again.

a close friend once told me how annoying i could be when i start talking and thinking about life's technicalities. its funny that i have thought of this while asking myself why shoes are designed to fit a specific side of the feet while socks don't.

if one should not equate sex to love, then why are there people who question love just because of sex?


its interesting how people paradoxically put confusing weight on the topic of sex and love. some will say its situational and practical while some say its selfish.

but if someone had sex with another other than his/her partner would that mean s/he doesn't love his partner anymore?

is relationship and fidelity exclusively anchored by sex, by love, by both or by something we always deny to matter?

our social contracts have told us that this is how it should be while the rest of our consciousness would clamor it should have been another way around.

before i could finally close the door, i took one last glimpse at you. your body at your side, pushing your legs to your center, hugging and looking for that warmth. honestly, i always liked this part; for this is the only time you are vulnerable. the only time i can be the one who leaves you behind.

i just hope that later, by the time the one who truly owns that bed space returns, s/he will feel my warmth on those sheets as it hugs across your body. just at the very least, s/he knows that i exist.

baler

 “Life is like the surf, so give yourself away like the sea”

- Ana, y tu mama tambien 

this year marks a good start of another way of communing with myself. 

through silent howls and dancing currents

through remnants of everything we have left behind

i have learned more how to commune with you

salamat, pare

*an attempt to write a coming of age short story for a writing class many years ago.

Sure na ako, Rod.

Saan?

Bakla si kuya.

Ang totoo, naloka talaga ako sa sinabing yun ni Jake nang minsang tawagan ko siya. Bigla akong nagdalawang isip kung itutuloy ko pa ang balak ko.

Kababalik ko lang nun fresh from the city of pines para sa halos isang buwang sem break. At siyempre, isa siya sa mga agad ko’ng tinawagan para tagpuin. Hindi na nga kami nagkabosesan. Matagal-tagal na din kasi ng huli kaming nag-usap. Alam mo na, busy sa college life, adjustments and all that. Lalo na sa mga pagbabagong narealize ko duon. Ang tanda ko na nga, may mga realizations nang nagaganap.

Nagulat ako nang makita ko si Jake. Bigla akong naniwalang may pag-asa pa ang world peace. Ang laki ng pinagbago niya. Hiyang-hiya ang Doc Martens, na suot-suot ko at mainit-init pa galing UK-UK, sa gara ng kanyang boy next door look, nang magkita kami. Ipagyayabang ko pa sanang bente pesos ko lang nabili ang suot ko.

Bumukol ang matipunong pangangatawan ni Jake sa suot niyang puting shirt. Kapansin-pansin ang gamunggo niyang mga utong sa likod nito; and I confess father, may biglang pumitik sa loob ng brief ko. Pero malice aside, hindi mapagkakailang lumabas ang tikas at likas na kagwapuhan niya ngayon. Malayo na sa gusgusin at pilyong bata na mahilig umakyat at pumapak ng hilaw na aratilis. Hindi na nga mapagkakailang lahi talaga sila ng mga modelo’t artista. Nasan ba kasi ang nanay ko nung single pa ang tatay niya? Ewan ko ba.

Kuya?

Oo, Kuya ko, si Kuya Mark.

Anim na taon ang tanda sa amin ni Mark. Pero technically, mas matanda kami sa kanya dahil leap year siya pinanganak. May minsan din na pinagdudahan namin na baka special child siya.

Pero habang lumalaki kami, madalang namin siyang makasama ni Jake. Tahimik at reserved kasi siya. Kundi nagpapawis sa basketball ay nagkukulong lang siya sa kwarto. Kaya hindi na ako magugulat kung pagkakamalan siyang may sariling facebook ng mga imaginary friends. Teka, nasabi ko na bang leap year siya pinanganak?

Pero in a serious note, noong namatay ang tatay nila isang taon matapos makapasa ni Mark sa engineering board, siya ang sumalo sa pamilya. Winner siya sa pagiging Gawad ulirang kapatid. Sabay niya kaming tinuturuan ni Jake sa mga assignments at review college entrance exams namin. At kahit ngayong patapos na kami sa kolehiyo, siya pa din ang nagiging takbuhan namin kapag may mahihirap kaming mga proyekto.

Paano mo naman nasabi?

Basta parang may nagbago kay kuya. Napansin ko lang, pare parang pasikip ng pasikip ang damit niya,

Huh?! bakit ikaw?

Rocker ako. E, Siya wala namang banda.

            Siguro ngayon alam niyo na kung bakit kami magkaibigan, he never fails to surprise me. Kung may sariling mundo si Mark, may sarili namang perception sa mga bagay-bagay itong si Jake.

At ang choice of colors, ang sakit-sakit sa mata, daig pa ang reflector ng jeep.

Ayaw mo nun hindi siya masasagasaan kapag gabi.

Tapos puro branded pa. Paborito niyang brand yung… yung folded and twang,

Folded and hung.

Ang brand na galit ata sa mga big-boned at obese dahil daig pa ang baby Guess at Osh Kosh Bigosh sa fit.

Oo yun! saka… saka yung people is people.

Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Basta ang alam ko magaling si Jake sa Math.

At meron pa minsan nakita ko tshirt niya, Kamiseta. Di ba brand pambabae yun?

Baka naman metrosexual lang si Mark. Magkaiba ang pagiging fashionable sa pagiging bakla no.

Sabihin mo metrosexual, isang metro na lang homosexual na.

Oo na, daig ko pa ang supot sa pagiging transparent at halata sa itsura ni Jake na hindi siya kumbinsido sa mga sinabi ko. Naisip ko tuloy, papaano ko na lang sasabihin sa kanya ang totoo?

Yun nga din ang naisip ko. Pero ito, pare, madalas kapag gabi, tuwing pinipick up ko yung extension ng telepono sa taas. Nahuhuli ko siyang laging may kausap na lalake.

Lalo akong kinabahan. Mukhang aagawin pa ata ni Mark ang moment ko. 

Baka naman best friend niya.

E, Babae ang best friend niya.

Oo nga pala si Shiela.

Akala ko nga girlfriend niya yun dati. Hindi pala. Ang weird pa nun, babae ang best friend niya. Hindi ka ba nagtataka? Madalang na may pinakikila si kuya na lalaking kaibigan pwera na lang sa mga teammates niya noon.

Bigla kong naisip ang basket ball team ni Mark. Kung sineryoso ko lang sana ang basketball noong tinuturuan kami ng tatay nila, e di sana may I join the varsity na din ako ngayon. Aba, libre kaya ang tuition fee ng mga varsity sa amin. May libreng tanghalian pa.

Hindi naman basehan yun.

Kunsabagay. Pero yun nga lang din, pare. Iniisip ko paano na lang kung magladlad si Kuya? Kanino na ako manghihiram ng damit kapag naka bestida't make up na siya? Sino na ang magiging kalaro ko ng basketball kapag lumamya na kilos niya? Imagine, ang rookie of the year at MVP ng school ay isa palang manash?!

            My God! 1990s pa ng huling narining ko ang salitang Manash. Naawa ako bigla kay Jake. Naturingan na best friend ko siya but he is so out dated with the latest lingo. Pero may I shift ang topic ng bigla kong napansin ang takot sa mga mata ni Jake.

Ang kaparehong takot na nakita ko sa mga mata ni mama noong hinatid nila ako sa bus terminal patungong Baguio, noong gabing nakipaghiwalay sa akin ang una kong girlfriend at noong inamin ko sa mga kabahay ko ang tunay kong pagkatao.

Bakit lahat ba ng lalaki tubero o karpentero? Lahat ba ng babae housewife? At kung magkaganunman, ano naman ang masama dun?

Tahimik na napatingin lang sa malayo si Jake. Doon ko na nafigure out, na ito na nga ata ang tinatawag nilang drama.

Naalala mo si Sir Arceo, yung paborito nating teacher sa Chemistry. Di ba inamin niya sa atin noong graduation na bakla siya. Tingin mo ba malalaman nating bakla siya kundi niya sinabi? At wala namang nagbago. Siya pa rin ang paborito nating teacher nun, ‘di ba?

Hindi pa din umimik si Jake. Na-isnab ang ganda ng Lola Arceo ko. 

E, si tito Mike, yung engineer na kasama nila papa sa firm. Si Dr. Uy yung doctor ng papa mo noon. Di ba bakla din---.

            Natigil ang eksenadorang speech ko nang nakita kong nakatingin na lang sa akin si Jake. Mas intense na ang mga mata niya. Mas deep, dark and mapang-usig. Yeeeess! mapang-usig.

Pamilyar ang mga titig na yun. Kung hindi lang Jolina Magdangal sabihin parang natutunaw ako sa mga titig niya, siguro bumigay na ako. But don’t get me wrong, tama na ang isang press release for the day. Dahil sa ngayon, mas kailangan ako ng kaibigan ko.

Madaling sabihin yan kapag ibang tao, Rod, pero ibang kaso na kapag malapit sa iyo ang pinag-uusapan.

Jake, ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin, hindi  lahat ng bakla parlorista. At hindi din naman masama maging parlorista. Ang mahalaga wala kang inaapakang iba. Respeto lang yan para irespeto din tayo.

Maya-maya’y nakaramdam ako ng bahagyang pagkailang ng unti-unti linapit ni Jake ang mukha niya. In that distance, halos mabilang ko na ang hibla ng kanyang makapal na pilik mata, ang mga linya sa kanyang mapulang labi at maging ang biglang pagbago ng ekspresyon ng kanyang malamlam na mata. Then I realized, na gusto ko na lang tumambling sa pagiging matalinghaga ko.

Nakkkksss, ang lalim.

Sira! Sabay kotong sa kanyang bumbunan.

Arayyy… Actually, pare. Okay lang naman kung bakla si kuya. Walang kaso dun, promise! Ang ayoko lang e yung  pagtatawanan o gagaguhin siya ng ibang tao dahil bakla siya.

Napatahimik ako sa sinabi ni Jake. Bigla ko’ng naisip ang mga kapatid ko. Ganun din kaya sila sa akin?

Mahal ko si kuya at alam mo kung ano ang pinagdaanan niya nung mamatay si papa.  Kaya nga kung tatanungin ako kung sinong tao ang pinaka deserving lumigaya, para sa akin, si kuya yun. Ayoko siyang makitang malungkot o umiiyak. Ayoko siyang kinukutya o pinagsasamantalahan. Makakapatay ako, pare. Pero ang mas kinakatakot ko ay ayoko din makitang tumanda siyang malungkot at nag-iisa.

Alam mo, Jake. May nagsabi sa akin dati, na ang pag-iisa ay hindi kapalaran ninuman. Ang kapalaran natin ay produkto ng sarili nating mga desisyon at ginawa sa buhay. At sa tingin ko sa lahat ng mga ginagawa ng kuya mo ngayon, hindi siya kailanman tatanda mag-isa. Dahil kung sakali man na wala siyang makikitang mapapangasawa o makakasama sa buhay, nandiyan ka, mga kaibigan niya at ang pamilya niyo para samahan siya.

Biglang may tumulong luha sa pisngi ni Jake. Ang totoo nagulat talaga ako nang makita ko siyang tuloy-tuloy nang umiyak. Yun ang unang beses na nakita ko siyang nagkaganun. Kinuha ko agad ang panyo ko sa bulsa at inabot sa kanya, habang pinagdadasal na hindi niya mapansing hindi R ang initial na nakaburda doon. I know, minsan my pagka-old school din ako.

Seryoso, tol. Siguro kung naririnig ka ng kuya mo ngayon, for sure sobrang proud yun sa iyo. Maswerte siya dahil kapatid ka niya.

Ulul! Mas maswerte ka dahil kaibigan mo ako at ikaw lang ang nakakakitang umiiyak ako. Halika nga dito.

Biglang inabot ni Jake ang kanyang braso sa akin. Yes, may ilangan factor noong una, pero inakap ko na din. Doon ko napagtantong, tumatanda na nga talaga kami. Marahil dahil sa tagal naming magkaibigan, virgin pa kami sa yakap ng isa’t isa. Pero ang totoo, natuwa ako at naiiyak na din.

Pare, Salamat! Sana dito ka na lang nag-aral para may nakakausap ako ng ganito. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ko katagal tinago ito. Gago ka! Ikaw lang pala ang makapaglalabas nito.  

Tumuloy-tuloy na ang pag-iyak ko nang narinig ko yun. Marahil namiss ko lang talaga ng husto si Jake.

Dahil din dun, mas lalo kong naramdaman ang importansiya namin sa isa’t isa. Malungkot isipin na hindi na kami tulad ng dati, wala na yung mga batang paglalaro lang ang iniisip, kung ano ang uso at kung saan village dadayo.  Pero kung ako ang tatanungin, mas masaya ako sa ganito dahil napag-uusapan namin ang mga bagay na di naming kayang sabihin noon.

            Malapit na, tol. Malapit na, bulong ko kay Jake habang yakap ko siya, at huwag kang mag-alala, dahil di ko kayang lokohin si Mark dahil mahal na mahal ko siya.

Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ni Jake pero sa wakas, nasabi ko na din ang gusto kong sabihin. Subalit imbes bumitaw, naramdaman ko ang lalong paghigpit ng yakap niya sa akin sabay sabing,

Salamat ulit, pare.  

why i chose to draw with pens

on a supposed to be busy monday, i saw myself just staring blankly at my desk. i hear my phone endlessly ringing, people chattering, and my email profusely alarming.

its a bit odd for someone as visual as me to actually notice these. so i tried plunging on the difference. i  put my headset and played a cynthia alexander album on.

comfort in your strangeness. perfect!

***

i randomly reached a pen and started scribbling. funny how the lines and strokes fell on their places. how it decides its own length, how it figure out where to curve and how it weaved itself with the rest of the other lines.

eventually, the randomness turned its back from absence.

***

who can tell if they were really supposed to be there? who can say if they should be thin or thick? black or of a different color? or if its good or bad.

"why don't you use a pencil?" a friend wondered while he was staring at how i drew one boring afternoon.

"i guess, i am just more comfortable using pens," i answered.

"e, what if you made a mistake?"

"then i own it."

he startled.

"you take the mistake and make something out of it, that is the beauty of being imperfect. you just have to be brave enough not to hesitate because the moment you do, you will never know what is up ahead. and i guess, in this life, regret is the only thing worst than being selfish."

***
and for that, thank you for making me draw again.

compilations: 15 gloomiest entries

15. on thinking and moving (please click the title for the actual post)

solitary, color pen and paper

02/08/08

the face that i wore for each day i struggled to see you--- i never lose myself to desperation.

14. saan nagwawakas ang mga tula?

"freedom"

ink & paper

012308

sa alaala,

doon ka nagsimula

isang buwan, isang linggo

at tatlong araw

ang gunita mo'y patuloy na umaalingangaw

13. randomness

"in the eyes of a stalker"

ms paint

12/18/2006

moving on is not a matter of forgetting, rather its the process of coming up with simple acceptance and empty memories.

12. black saturday

caution

ink and paper

september 2009

they talked a lot of things along the way, probably the lengthiest conversation they had for the day. they talked about work, family, taking responsibilities and materializing dreams. for a moment, K felt that they are no longer kids anymore. but what made him moved was the fact that they never really talked about the past, their experiences before, or what was between them--- exactly a decade ago, on one of those humid summer nights, when their raging confusions rushed and engulfed them.

if K can only wish life to be seen in both perspectives just like in the movies.

K bet it will make living a little less complicated.

if only...

11. deeper mark

chasing time

ink and paper

october 2009

it was that night ,

when i thought that the silence between us will be clearer

but when you stood up from bed the next day,

without looking back,

i then realized that it was still a dream that i kept on believing at

10. after the ribbon cutting

outside this building

ink and paper

05/24/2009

minsan, hindi mahalaga kung sino ang taong nananakit sa atin, ang mas importante ay kung bakit natin hinahayaang masaktan tayo.

9. open letter: why is love not enough?

latak

paper and color pencil

041408

sometimes, even the stars in a clear moonless night is not enough to cradle you to sleep. neither a kiss nor a hug would assure you of tomorrow. for even the most genuine romance falls short to spell out certainty.

8. promises(?)

paglalakbay

(the journey)

ink & paper

111808

we hammer promises with our imperfections, we break them into pieces because of our shortcomings. but at the end, its our own guilt that eats us.

7. the ending

"blue and happy"

oil on canvas with etching

16"x24"

june 20, 2007

minsan tuloy naisip ko, sa ganitong buhay hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mas dapat, ang maging malandi pero panandalian o maging matino pero iniiwan?

6. silence: an open letter

"been there, done that"

8"x 11.5"

crayon etching

january 15, 2008

probably, this what makes it special. what makes everything unpredictable, a treasure. and why most people are also scared to take the risk. for its strips you off of all your hesitations to a point where you feel you're already bare and vulnerable. then you tend to cover yourself with what have been its remains. endlessly thinking that either you're giving in to much or you're offering nothing at all. but at the end of it, its funny for we still are hopefuls.

5. two things i realized today...

" fantasya"

ms paint

010207

last night i dreamed of you--- again

then i suddenly realized that

you will always be the memory

that i will perpetually fall in love with...

until the day the apparition of the prophecy

stands in front of me.

4. peter pan's shadow

at the end, ink & paper, february 2008

no one really said that being young assures us of not getting hurt. in fact, it is actually on that condition that leave us most vulnerable. hence, never be scared of falling because it is on that dive where the real life starts.

3. moving out from betweens: an open letter

ugnayan

(relation)

etching

09/15/2008

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

2. moving out from betweens: an open letter

underneath the bed

ink and paper

06/28/2009

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

1. clairvoyance

for those who have hold their silence forever

ink and paper

01/07

its funny how the place reminded me of J so much. though i dont remember us being here before. the place was deserted. there were a pair of bowing angels made in cold concrete, tainted broken glass panes, and an empty bench under a weeping tree.

patience also waits

three years ago, there was a boy who just kept on ranting about almost everything after college. he ranted about how he missed his friends in baguio, how he needed to spend so much just to have a good conversation over stranger after strangers, how he struggled in watching movies alone and keep all his thoughts to himself after the curtains close; and how frustrated and lonely he was walking along empty streets just to go to work, which he didn't even like, every sunday.

like any fresh graduate, he was full of idealisms and ambitions. he wanted to achieve and experience so many things and believed that he can do far more than what he was doing during that time. he was very anxious; as if he was always in battle with time. though he never really wanted to be rich nor famous, he was just simply scared that he might end up not doing the things, even him was not sure what they were. but after countless searches and attempts, he started trimming his options; bothering himself every night asking, what he did wrong and what he didn't do?

countless days and futile nights passed. but the same shadow didn’t let him go. until hopelessness devoured him completely. he just started not caring; and crying. he laid down on his bed and just let time pass and win him over. it was as if its the only thing he know he could do. the feeling was always paralyzing.

until an opportunity came.

there were a number of considerations at first but he still grabbed it. the environment was completely different. even in his wildest dreams, he didn't imagine himself working as one. of course there were times when he got tired and almost gave up. but during those time, he will always go out, waive a cab, pass it along a familiar building and ask himself,

"do you still want to return back to this?," while looking at different (un)familiar faces smoking, talking and enjoying every last seconds of it outside. he will pause and then his answer will make the cab turn back.

never did he realized that most of the things he was worrying about before just started landing one at a time in front of him.

i guess thats what they call patience, a friend told him.

tonight, as he waits for everyone to bid there farewells to him, he thought of opening and rekindling those posts again. he read them from one page to the next and could believe, he actually wrote them.

some he have already forgotten.

while some he remembered though the memory of every thought made this man a stranger even to his own words.

so whats keeping him busy these past months?

mostly work,

about a new company project,

a new team he is handling

and most of all, MORE wandering...

luna

last night was a close fight

between the sandman and i.

i pleaded to see the moon

but he didn't let me.

i asked him why?

but he just looked at me unmoved,

a bit worried and

then whispered low,

for tonight,

the moon reveals something

that he have always hid

behind its darkest side.

that despite high regard,

it is also capable of bleeding.

and i don't want you to bow your head down

from the only thing

that keeps your hopes from falling.

black saturday

*been busy with work for the past weeks. its been a while so will try waking up my muse through spontaneous writing.

K still cannot believe it, seeing that well-carved gold wrapped around J's fourth finger.

decades had past. but K could still not stop thinking how fast time have escaped them. how so many things have changed. and how K have not prepared himself from it.

last saturday, it was brighter than expected. a reunion was spontaneously called and after exactly three years, K and J met again.

as usual, everything should remain the same, especially in front of everyone. it was just then that K have realized how good artists they were, never dropped the act even once. how they have lived behind pretensions and most importantly, how he managed to hold on to that weird churning feeling inside his stomach whenever they're together.

it never fails to make K smile. no matter how he try not to.

they drank the entire day, hopping from one bar to another. holding on to that excuse that its been awhile since they have been with each other.

nonetheless, K remain silent the entire time. he busied himself in stealing glances at J, trying to find flaws, and coming up with questions that he might have missed in the process of forgetting and moving on for the past ten years.

how J looks stupid in maintaining that cheap highlight. how ridiculous J's piercings look like. all these time, K believed that he is smart enough to know better. but he guess J is his kryptonite.

K even tried blaming it on adolescent crisis, with immature curiousness, or perhaps with that cheap romance tagalog pocket book he had chance of reading one sunday afternoon. but no matter how he dig deeper, the answers remained weak and refutable.

until K saw J removing the well-carved gold from the fourth finger, as they walked inside a bar full of people.

from then on he realized, there are still things or people left not to be changed--- completely. but what he saw made his thoughts more worst.

In the middle of the party, J stood up and walked away from their table with an excuse of going to the john. But its been almost 30 minutes and J still haven’t returned. Until, behind the thick crowd, K saw J with someone. nonetheless, K tried not to entertain the idea of getting hurt. basically, due to the absence of reason.

when the night ended, J offered K a bike ride to his hotel. there was a strange feeling being in that distance again. all K could do was to hold on to his narrow hips and take the harsh night chill as they go by the moving warm lights, as if bidding their goodbyes to the two.


they talked a lot of things along the way, probably the lengthiest conversation they had for the day. they talked about work, family, taking responsibilities and materializing dreams. for a moment, K felt that they are no longer kids anymore. but what made him moved was the fact that they never really talked about the past, their experiences before, or what was between them--- exactly a decade ago, on one of those humid summer nights, when their raging confusions rushed and engulfed them.

if K can only wish life to be seen in both perspectives just like in the movies.

K bet it will make living a little less complicated.

if only...

someone from the north

*free writing

i am in a place far away. always in transit; nurtured by hellos and farewells. but at the end of it all, it still leaves me wondering, what am i really looking for?

***

there was uncertain silence for every uncertain questions i threw.

but what i only know was he lives in a very remote tribe village in the north. a community, wherein time have already forgotten them. the thought of poverty as their dish served on empty plates and cold corruption as their resting beds.

then he looked at me. his eyes, a bit shy. clearing his throat and composing every words he was about to utter. he smiled again and made his eyes disappear in a dark uplifting arc.

then he said,

i don't know.

perhaps, i just go somewhere ---away here. i already 27 years and done all works just to find i really want. construction, farming, porting, even assistant pastor.

what i experience, i guess never find answer here. so if my response convince you that i true, then, you'll think that i am to do any job regardless small or hard it be. at least, i can something to start.

in an ordinary conversation, the uncertainty and softness of his words can just simply leave someone asking, what did he just actually said?

but for me, the word escape instantly appeared.

in a way, he kinda reminded me of myself a couple of years back or even until now. he made me realize how fortunate i still am and introduce me to the pettiness of my day-to-day rants.

i don't know how am i going to tell it to my boss. if i will lie and tell him he is qualified just to give him that favor. but after we shook hands, i figured that i just cannot stain the honesty of what he said. so i totally told everything to my boss.

and for some weird reason, he understood where the both of us were coming from. hence, i was so surprised when he asked me to contact him again and ask him to go with us to manila by the end of the month. i will find something that he can do and take him as a secret company scholar for a course he always wanted to get--- criminology.

i must admit it definitely gave me goosebumps.

for this lad at least gave me something to hold on; a small piece of what i am really looking for. i may not know what it really is for now. but it feels like i already made my first step going there--- wherever that maybe.